What kids can teach adults about asking for help | YeYoon Kim

Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Krystian Aparta

Translator: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Thomas Bedin

Hva kan barn lære oss om det å bli bedre mennesker?

De er trofaste mot vennene sine,

raske til å forsvare, si unnskyld

og tilgi.

What can we learn from children about being better humans?

Fordi, en gang førskolelærer –

alltid førskolelærer –

They're fiercely loyal to their friends,

så vil jeg å dele

fast to defend, quick to apologize

noe overraskende de lærte meg om å bli spurt om hjelp.

and swift to forgive.

But as a past kindergarten teacher --

Jeg elsker hvordan mennesker

always a kindergarten teacher at heart --

reagerer ulikt i forskjellige situasjoner og miljø,

I want to share with you

a surprising lesson I learned from them about being asked for help.

og disse søte femåringene med sine nydelige kinn

i perfekt høyde for varme og gode klemmer,

I love human behaviors --

how we act differently in different situations and environments --

så ivrige etter high-fives,

var så interessante.

and these cute five-year-olds with their adorable cheeks

Min første gruppe ble kalt Marsgruppa.

and the perfect height to give warm, morning hugs to

Jeg hadde 10 barn og

and almost a competitive love for high fives,

hver elev hadde sin personlighet.

were so interesting.

Men det var en gutt jeg aldri vil glemme.

My first class was called a Mars class.

Vi kaller ham Sam.

I had 10 students,

Sam glemte at han bare var fem år.

and each were so full of character.

But there was this one kid I'll never forget.

Han var veldig selvstendig.

Han kunne knyte sine egne sko.

Let's call him Sam.

Han kunne også knyte de andre barnas sko.

Sam behaved like he forgot he was only five.

Han tok aldri en skitten termos med seg hjem,

He was so independent.

fordi han vasket den etter lunsj.

Not only did he know how to tie his own shoelaces,

but he knew how to tie other kids' shoelaces too.

Hvis noe skjedde og han måtte skifte klær,

He also never took home a dirty thermos,

gjorde han det stille og diskré selv.

because he would clean it after his lunch.

Han ba ikke om mye hjelp til seg selv,

And if something happened and he needed a change of clothes,

men han var den som de andre i gruppen kom til for hjelp –

he would do so very quietly and discreetly by himself.

til ting som

å hjelpe dem å spise opp kimchien. Den var for sterk.

He didn't ask for help much himself,

Han likte ikke å vise følelser overfor de voksne,

but he was the one that his classmates went to for help --

og ble oppfattet som "han kule".

help on things like,

can he help them finish their kimchi? Because it's too spicy.

Hvis du ga ham en god morgen-klem,

himlet han med øynene

He didn't like showing any type of affection to teachers

og laget tulle-fjes,

men stod likevel og ventet til han fikk sin morgenklem.

and came across as "the cool kid."

If you gave him a good-morning hug,

Han var så smart og pålitelig at

he would roll his eyes

and make a funny face as to show discontent,

jeg ofte glemte at han bare var fem.

Som fersk førskolelærer,

but also stand there and wait if he didn't get his morning hug.

brukte jeg tid på å studere

hvordan lærere med erfaring omgikk barna.

He was so smart and reliable

that even I would forget that he was only five.

Jeg la merke til noe spesielt.

As a novice teacher,

Ofte når barn faller,

I spent a lot of time observing

starter de ikke gråten umiddelbart.

how more experienced teachers interacted with their students.

De reiser seg litt forvirret

And I noticed something very peculiar.

prøver å bestemme seg –

"Hva skjedde?"

Oftentimes when kids fall,

"Skal jeg gråte?"

they don't start crying immediately.

"Gjør det vondt? Hva skjer?"

They would stand up, puzzled,

Vanligvis er barna OK helt til de møter blikket til en voksen,

as if trying to make up their mind --

you know, "What just happened?"

"Is this a big enough deal for me to cry?

en de stoler på og vet kan hjelpe dem.

Does this hurt? What's going on?"

Blikkene møtes, og så kommer tårene.

Usually kids will be OK until they lock eyes with an adult:

Da ønsket jeg at det skulle skje med meg,

one that they trust and know can do something for them.

fordi dette betydde at du hadde fått et tilliten til et barn

Eyes lock, and then, they burst out in tears.

og vist at du kan hjelpe dem med hva som helst.

When I noticed this, I so wanted it to happen to me,

Du ble helten deres.

because to me, that meant that you had earned a kid's trust

I flere uker så jeg de andre lærerne

and had proven that you're capable to help them with anything.

ta i mot gråtende barn,

og var misunnelig.

You were a hero to them.

Jeg var sjalu.

Selvsagt ønsket jeg ikke at barna skulle falle,

Weeks went by of me just watching other teachers

men jeg ønsket virkelig den bekreftelsen,

have kids run to them in tears,

den tilliten fra barna om at jeg var den som kunne hjelpe.

and I'd watch in jealousy.

Oh, was I jealous.

I mean, of course I didn't want the kids to fall,

Endelig skjedde det.

but I really wanted that moment of validation

Det var en nydelig dag.

Det var i pausen i lekeområdet inne.

that yes, I had earned a kid's trust enough to be the one to help them.

Ungene lekte

og jeg laminerte noen ting –

Then, it finally happened.

fordi lærere laminerer alt mulig alltid –

It was a beautiful day.

It was during recess at the indoor playground.

på lærerværelse like ved.

Jeg hørte en av ungene rope: “Lærer, Sam falt ned.”

The kids were playing

and I was getting some things laminated --

because teachers are forever laminating stuff --

Jeg tittet ut,

så etter Sam,

in the teacher's room next door.

og han så veldig forvirret ut,

Then I heard a kid yell, "Teacher, teacher, Sam fell down."

som om han løste en vanskelig oppgave.

So I went out to peak,

Han ser på meg,

blikket vårt møtes,

looked around for Sam,

and there he was, looking very puzzled,

så skjedde det.

Underleppen begynte å skjelve

as if he was trying to add double digits.

og øynene hans ble fylt med tårer.

Then he looked at me,

Han begynte å gråte og løp mot meg,

our eyes locked,

and then it happened.

og det var praktfullt.

His lower lip started to tremble

Jeg glemmer det aldri.

and his tiny eyes started to fill with tears.

Jeg fikk gi ham en klem, for å roe ham,

Then he burst out in tears running towards me,

han hadde snublet i bena sine

and it was glorious.

så ingen andre enn gulvet kunne få kjeft.

I'll never forget that moment.

He let me give him a big hug to help him calm down,

Vi sjekket at han ikke var skadet

og han klarte seg uten en skramme.

and it turns out that yes, he did trip over his own two feet

Det var i dette øyeblikket, at –

so there was no one other than the floor to reprimand.

det ikke føltes som jeg hjalp Sam,

We checked to make sure that he wasn't hurt

men at han ga meg en gave,

and he overcame that with not even a bruise.

en mulighet til å hjelpe ham.

It was in that moment, oddly --

Dette er underlig og vanskelig å sette ord på.

it didn't feel like I was there to help Sam,

but rather he was giving me this gift,

Med sin sårbarhet

ved å be om hjelp fra meg, tro at jeg kan gjøre noe med det,

this opportunity to help him.

And it's something very weird that I struggle putting down in words.

det gir kanskje meg kontrollen,

men i det øyeblikket,

With his vulnerability

ble det motsatt,

in coming to me for help as if I could do something about it,

og kontrollen flyttet seg til ham.

you would think that gives me the power,

Å bli bedt om å hjelpe er et privilegium;

but in that moment,

en gave du får gi til noen,

no, it was quite the opposite,

and the power shifted even more so to him.

spesielt når det kommer fra noen som er sårbare.

Being asked for help is a privilege:

Med lærdom fra barnehagen,

eller som førskolelærer,

a gift for you to do something for someone,

taklet jeg andre utfordringer i livet.

especially when it's coming from their place of vulnerability.

Ni år fram i tid,

var jeg en del av en gruppe profesjonelle prosjektledere,

With everything I learned from kindergarten,

or in "teaching" kindergarten,

hvor jeg jobbet mye med frivillige.

I went to conquer other things in life.

Å jobbe med frivillige er en fin erfaring,

Fast-forward nine years,

and I landed in an association for project management professionals

men noen ting skulle jeg ha blitt advart mot,

in a role that works extensively with volunteers.

som hvordan sette grenser.

Det er lett å falle i fellen

Working with volunteers is a wonderful experience,

med "fordi de er frivillige."

but there are some things I wish had a been warned about,

Seine kvelder?

like how to set boundaries.

Ja, fordi frivillige har vanlige dagjobber.

It's very easy to fall into the rabbit hole

Forretningsreiser kun i helgene?

of "because they're volunteers."

Ja, fordi frivillige har vanlige dag jobber.

Late night calls?

Yes, because they're volunteers and have day jobs.

Ikke for å skryte,

Business trips that are almost exclusively only on weekends?

men jeg gjorde en god jobb.

Jeg blomstret i nettverket jeg bygget.

Yes, because they're volunteers and have day jobs.

Og jeg visste jeg hadde noens tillit

Not to pat myself on the back,

but I got quite good at my job.

hvis de spurte meg om hjelp.

I was thriving off of the relationships I was building.

Jeg elsket det.

Hver gang vi hadde årsavslutning

And the best way I knew how to judge whether I had earned someone's trust

og snakket om hva vi ønsket å være neste år,

was if they would come and ask me for help.

var mine nøkkelord “hjelpe” og “hjelpsom.”

I loved it.

Problemet var at jeg var ikke bare hjelpsom.

Every time we did year-end retreats

and we talked about what we wanted to be in the next year,

Over tid la jeg mer og mer press på meg selv

til å alltid ha det travelt

my keywords were always "help" or "helpful."

og alltid gjøre en god jobb.

The problem was that I wasn't being just helpful.

Min selvrespekt ble knyttet til prestasjonene mine på jobb,

Over time, I put more and more pressure on myself

en oppskrift på ulykke.

to always be busy

and to always do a good job.

Ikke være redd, jeg håndterte dette bra

Soon my self-worth became associated with my performance at work,

med fornektelse,

distraherte meg med mer arbeid, og drikking –

which is basically a recipe for disaster.

mye av det.

But don't worry, because I had the best coping mechanism,

Jeg var så opptatt med å være hjelpsom og selvstendig,

which was denial,

og være den flinke Sam

at jeg glemte å be om hjelp når jeg trengte det.

distraction with even more work

and drinking --

and lots of it.

Jeg trengte bare spørre,

I was so busy being helpful and independent

hvis det å be om hjelp var en gave,

and being a great Sam

burde jeg gjøre det oftere.

that I forgot how to ask for help when I needed it.

Vel, vi lever ikke alltid som vi lærer,

All I had to do was ask,

men for to år siden,

and if I truly believed that asking for help was a gift,

fikk jeg en kraftig påminnelse.

At jeg var utbrent var en underdrivelse,

then I should have been doing it more, right?

Well, we don't always practice what we preach,

men takket være drikkingen,

but about two years ago,

I was slapped with a big, fat reminder.

så det ut som jeg hadde det gøy.

To say that I was burned-out at the time was an understatement,

Men en dag,

akkurat som Sam på lekeplassen,

but thanks to my coping mechanism, drinking,

snublet jeg i føttene mine.

it looked like I was just having a great time.

Jeg fikk en blackout

og våknet med et stort kutt i foten fra knust glass,

But one day,

just like Sam in the playground,

øyne hovne av gråt

I tripped over my own two feet.

og hes stemme, antakelig fra hulking.

I blacked out

and woke up with a big cut on my foot from broken pieces of glass,

Jeg husker lite av det som hadde hendt,

eyes swollen from crying

men jeg husker jeg følte meg frustrert, trist og redd.

and a voice so hoarse that I'd most likely been wailing.

Dere har kun kjent meg i cirka 10 minutter,

I don't have much recollection of what actually happened,

men dere kan tenke at dette var ikke helt likt meg,

but I remember feeling frustrated, sad and afraid.

jeg kom til meg selv og forstod hva som hadde skjedd.

Jeg var i sjokk.

Now you've known me for only about 10 minutes,

Det var ingen annen måte å si det enn at jeg trengte hjelp,

but you can probably tell that this was really not like me,

både i form av terapi,

so when I came to my senses about what had happened,

samt hjelp til å komme ut av situasjonen.

I was in shock.

There was no other way of saying it other than that I needed help,

Jeg var langt nede,

og selv i dette øyeblikket,

both in the sense of I needed some type of therapy help,

gikk hodet mitt rett i problemløsning-modus.

but also help in getting out of that situation.

Hva kan jeg gjøre?

It was one of the lowest moments of my life,

Hvis jeg ikke fikser dette, blir jeg en større skuffelse.

and even in that moment,

my mind was running at hyperspeed into problem-solving mode.

Hvis jeg ikke løser dette, blir jeg enda mer mislykket.

What do I do with this?

Dette gikk gjennom hodet mitt,

If I don't fix this, then I'm even more of a disappointment.

jeg tenkte ikke på å be om hjelp.

If I don't resolve this, then I'm even more of a failure.

Jeg var omgitt av mennesker som brydde seg og som ville hjelpe,

Those are things that were running through my mind,

men jeg klarte ikke å se dem.

and it didn't even occur to me that I could ask for help.

Helt til min gode venn måtte ta meg i skuldrene

I was surrounded by so many people who cared for me and wanted to help,

og tvinge meg til å be om hjelp.

but I just couldn't see them.

"Klarer du dette?"

Until finally, my good friend had to literally hold me by my shoulders

"Nei."

"Trenger du hjelp?"

"Ja."

and force me to ask for help.

"Kan jeg hjelpe deg?"

"Ja."

"Can you do this?"

“Kan jeg få andre som er glad i deg til å hjelpe deg også?”

"No."

"Do you need help?"

"Yes."

"Ja."

"Can I help you?"

Det var min voksen-versjon av å møte blikket til læreren.

"Yes."

"Can I get others that love and care for you to help you too?"

Og nettopp sånn,

når jeg sa, "Ja, du kan hjelpe meg,"

"Yes."

kjente jeg et glimt av håp

og jeg fikk noe kontroll tilbake.

That was my grown-up version of locking eyes with my teacher.

Hvis du tenker over det,

And just like that,

er det ikke rart at vi hele barndommen

as soon as I said, "Yes, you may help me,"

er så flinke til å spørre om hjelp

I felt a tingling of hope

og det forventes at vi blir voksne og selvstendige mennesker,

and some sort of control coming back.

And if you think about it,

og vi blir så flinke til det,

isn't it so weird we spend all of childhood

at vi må minnes på at det er OK å be om hjelp?

being so good at asking for help

and are expected to grow up to be these self-reliant human beings

Dette har senere hjulpet meg å forstå mange ting.

and we get so good at it

Jeg er så glad i å hjelpe andre.

that we have to be reminded that it's OK to ask for help?

Hvorfor skulle ikke andre ønske å hjelpe meg?

Later, that moment helped me realize so many things.

Og viktigere,

hvorfor skal ikke andre få føle lykken

I'm always so happy to help others and I love it.

med å hjelpe andre personer som Sam?

Why wouldn't others be willing to help me?

Vi vil alle være det beste Sam er:

And more importantly,

sterk, uavhengig og selvhjulpen,

why wouldn't I want others to feel the happiness and joy

that comes from helping the Sams of the world?

men vi må ikke alltid være det.

La oss be om hjelp oftere,

We all want to be the best Sams in life:

fordi å hjelpe en Sam er et privilegium og en gave.

to be strong, independent and self-reliant,

Tusen takk.

but we don't always have to be.

So let's start asking for help more often,

because helping Sams is a privilege and a gift.

Thank you.