What kids can teach adults about asking for help | YeYoon Kim

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2020-10-28・ 1373    48


Visit http://TED.com to get our entire library of TED Talks, transcripts, translations, personalized talk recommendations and more. Do you need some help? It's OK to ask, says YeYoon Kim, a former kindergarten teacher who learned from her students how powerful and courageous it can be to reach out for support. Sharing the story of one of the most difficult periods in her life, Kim explores the happiness and joy that can come from leaning on those you love in times of need -- and encourages the rest of us to start asking for help more often. The TED Talks channel features the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design -- plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. You're welcome to link to or embed these videos, forward them to others and share these ideas with people you know. Follow TED on Twitter: http://twitter.com/TEDTalks Like TED on Facebook: http://facebook.com/TED Subscribe to our channel: http://youtube.com/TED TED's videos may be used for non-commercial purposes under a Creative Commons License, Attribution–Non Commercial–No Derivatives (or the CC BY – NC – ND 4.0 International) and in accordance with our TED Talks Usage Policy (https://www.ted.com/about/our-organization/our-policies-terms/ted-talks-usage-policy). For more information on using TED for commercial purposes (e.g. employee learning, in a film or online course), please submit a Media Request at https://media-requests.ted.com

Instruction

Double-click on the English captions to play the video from there.

00:00
Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Krystian Aparta
Translator: Inés Blanco Reviewer: Xosé María Moreno
00:13
What can we learn from children about being better humans?
Que podemos aprender dos nenos sobre ser mellores persoas?
00:16
They're fiercely loyal to their friends,
Son moi leais cos seus amigos,
00:18
fast to defend, quick to apologize
deféndense, descúlpanse
00:20
and swift to forgive.
e perdoan rápidamente.
00:22
But as a past kindergarten teacher --
Pero como antiga mestra de infantil,
00:24
always a kindergarten teacher at heart --
profesión que sempre levo no corazón,
00:26
I want to share with you
quero compartir con vós
00:27
a surprising lesson I learned from them about being asked for help.
unha sorprendente lección que aprendín deles cando me pedían axuda.
00:31
I love human behaviors --
Adoro o comportamento humano,
00:32
how we act differently in different situations and environments --
as diferentes maneiras nas que nos comportamos dependendo da situación,
00:36
and these cute five-year-olds with their adorable cheeks
e estos nenos tan riquiños de 5 años coas súas meixeliñas,
00:39
and the perfect height to give warm, morning hugs to
coa altura perfecta para darlles apertas polas mañás
00:41
and almost a competitive love for high fives,
e ese amor case competitivo para chocar as cinco,
00:44
were so interesting.
que é ata fascinante.
00:46
My first class was called a Mars class.
A meu primer grupo chamábase Clase Marte.
00:48
I had 10 students,
Tiña 10 estudantes
00:50
and each were so full of character.
e cada un tiña moita personalidade.
00:52
But there was this one kid I'll never forget.
Pero había un neno do que nunca me esquecerei.
00:54
Let's call him Sam.
Digamos que se chamaba Sam.
00:57
Sam behaved like he forgot he was only five.
Comportábase como se non tivese 5 anos.
01:00
He was so independent.
Era moi independente.
01:02
Not only did he know how to tie his own shoelaces,
Era capaz de anoar os seus propios amallós
01:04
but he knew how to tie other kids' shoelaces too.
e incluso os dos seus compañeiros.
01:07
He also never took home a dirty thermos,
Nunca volvía á casa co termo sucio
01:10
because he would clean it after his lunch.
porque sempre o limpaba despois de comer.
01:12
And if something happened and he needed a change of clothes,
E se pasaba algo e tiña que mudar a súa roupa,
01:15
he would do so very quietly and discreetly by himself.
facíao de maneira moi silenciosa e discreta.
01:19
He didn't ask for help much himself,
Normalmente, non pedía axuda
01:21
but he was the one that his classmates went to for help --
pero os outros rapaces sempre acudían a el cando o precisaban.
01:24
help on things like,
Incluso, os axudaba
01:25
can he help them finish their kimchi? Because it's too spicy.
a rematar o kimchi cando estaba moi picante.
01:28
He didn't like showing any type of affection to teachers
Non lle gustaba mostrar afecto aos mestres
01:31
and came across as "the cool kid."
polo que lle chamaban "o neno xenial".
01:33
If you gave him a good-morning hug,
Se lle dabas unha aperta pola mañá
01:35
he would roll his eyes
poñía os ollos en branco
01:36
and make a funny face as to show discontent,
e facía una cara rara para mostrar descontento,
01:39
but also stand there and wait if he didn't get his morning hug.
pero tamén esperaba en fronte túa até receber a súa aperta.
01:42
He was so smart and reliable
Era moi listo e responsable,
01:44
that even I would forget that he was only five.
que incluso eu esquecía que soamente tiña 5 anos.
01:47
As a novice teacher,
Cando aínda era novata,
01:48
I spent a lot of time observing
pasaba moito tempo observando
01:50
how more experienced teachers interacted with their students.
como os mestres máis experimentados interactuaban cos alumnos.
01:53
And I noticed something very peculiar.
E deime conta de algo moi peculiar.
01:55
Oftentimes when kids fall,
Polo xeral, cando un rapaz cae,
01:57
they don't start crying immediately.
non dá en chorar inmediatamente,
01:59
They would stand up, puzzled,
senón que se levanta desconcertado
02:01
as if trying to make up their mind --
pensando sobre o que ocurriu:
02:03
you know, "What just happened?"
Que pasou?
02:04
"Is this a big enough deal for me to cry?
Foi tan importante como para chorar?
02:06
Does this hurt? What's going on?"
Dóeme algo? Que é o que pasa?
02:09
Usually kids will be OK until they lock eyes with an adult:
Normalmente, os rapaces están ben ata que miran a un adulto no que confían
02:12
one that they trust and know can do something for them.
e que pode facer algo por eles.
02:16
Eyes lock, and then, they burst out in tears.
Miran fixamente e, xusto despois, rompen a chorar.
02:19
When I noticed this, I so wanted it to happen to me,
Cando me dei conta disto, quería que me pasase
02:22
because to me, that meant that you had earned a kid's trust
porque iso significaba que os rapaces confiaban en min
02:25
and had proven that you're capable to help them with anything.
e que lles podía axudar con calquera cousa.
02:28
You were a hero to them.
É dicir, unha heroína para eles.
02:31
Weeks went by of me just watching other teachers
Pasaban as semanas e só vía alumnos chorando
02:33
have kids run to them in tears,
e correndo ata os profesores,
02:35
and I'd watch in jealousy.
mentras os miraba con celos.
02:37
Oh, was I jealous.
Estaba moi celosa.
02:38
I mean, of course I didn't want the kids to fall,
Obviamente, non quería que os rapaces caesen,
02:41
but I really wanted that moment of validation
pero sí quería ese momento de validación
02:43
that yes, I had earned a kid's trust enough to be the one to help them.
no que consegues a confianza dun neno.
02:47
Then, it finally happened.
E, finalmente, ocurriu.
02:49
It was a beautiful day.
Foi un día moi bonito.
02:51
It was during recess at the indoor playground.
Ocurriu no recreo no patio interno.
02:53
The kids were playing
Os nenos estaban xogando
02:55
and I was getting some things laminated --
e eu estaba plastificando algunhas cousas,
02:57
because teachers are forever laminating stuff --
porque os mestres sempre o plastifican todo,
02:59
in the teacher's room next door.
na sala de profesores do lado.
03:01
Then I heard a kid yell, "Teacher, teacher, Sam fell down."
Entón oín un rapaz que berraba: "Profe, profe. O Sam caeu".
03:05
So I went out to peak,
Así que fun mirar,
03:07
looked around for Sam,
busquei a Sam,
03:08
and there he was, looking very puzzled,
e alí estaba, moi desconcertado,
03:11
as if he was trying to add double digits.
como se estivese facendo sumas de dúas cifras.
03:13
Then he looked at me,
Despois miroume,
03:15
our eyes locked,
eu quedei ollando para el
03:16
and then it happened.
e logo ocurriu.
03:18
His lower lip started to tremble
O beizo inferior comezou a tremer
03:20
and his tiny eyes started to fill with tears.
e os seus pequenos ollos enchéronse de bágoas.
03:23
Then he burst out in tears running towards me,
Despois rompeu a chorar correndo cara a min.
03:25
and it was glorious.
Foi magnífico.
03:27
I'll never forget that moment.
Nunca esquecerei ese intre.
03:28
He let me give him a big hug to help him calm down,
Deixoume darlle unha gran aperta para poder calmalo
03:32
and it turns out that yes, he did trip over his own two feet
e, si, tropezou cos dous pés
03:35
so there was no one other than the floor to reprimand.
así que o único que tiña a culpa era o chan.
03:38
We checked to make sure that he wasn't hurt
Revisamos que non tivese feridas
03:40
and he overcame that with not even a bruise.
e saiu da caída sen rabuñadas.
03:42
It was in that moment, oddly --
Curiosamente, nese intre
03:44
it didn't feel like I was there to help Sam,
non sentía como que o estivera axudando,
03:46
but rather he was giving me this gift,
senón que era el quen me daba un galano,
03:49
this opportunity to help him.
unha oportunidade para axudalo.
03:51
And it's something very weird that I struggle putting down in words.
E é algo tan estraño que me custa describilo con palabras.
03:54
With his vulnerability
Con esa vulnerabilidade
03:56
in coming to me for help as if I could do something about it,
ao vir cara a min a pedir axuda, como se eu puidese axudalo,
03:59
you would think that gives me the power,
un pensa que iso lle dá poder,
04:01
but in that moment,
mais nese intre,
04:03
no, it was quite the opposite,
é todo o contrario
04:04
and the power shifted even more so to him.
e el quen incluso ten máis poder ca min.
04:07
Being asked for help is a privilege:
Que che pidan axuda é un privilexio:
04:10
a gift for you to do something for someone,
un agasallo que che dan para facer algo por alguén,
04:12
especially when it's coming from their place of vulnerability.
especialmente cando vén de parte de alguén máis vulnerable.
04:16
With everything I learned from kindergarten,
Con todo o que aprendín en infantil
04:18
or in "teaching" kindergarten,
ou "ensinando" en infantil,
04:20
I went to conquer other things in life.
conseguín outras cousas na vida.
04:22
Fast-forward nine years,
Nove anos despois,
04:23
and I landed in an association for project management professionals
traballei nunha asociación de profesionais de xestión de proxectos
04:27
in a role that works extensively with volunteers.
nun posto no que se traballa principalmente con voluntarios.
04:30
Working with volunteers is a wonderful experience,
Traballar cos voluntarios é unha experiencia marabillosa,
04:33
but there are some things I wish had a been warned about,
mais preferiría que avisasen dalgunhas cousas como,
04:36
like how to set boundaries.
por exemplo, establecer límites.
04:38
It's very easy to fall into the rabbit hole
É moi sinxelo caer na trampa
04:40
of "because they're volunteers."
de "que son voluntarios".
04:43
Late night calls?
Chamadas tarde pola noite?
04:44
Yes, because they're volunteers and have day jobs.
Si, porque son voluntarios e traballan todo o día.
04:47
Business trips that are almost exclusively only on weekends?
Viaxes de negocios que son exclusivamente durante os fins de semana?
04:50
Yes, because they're volunteers and have day jobs.
Si, porque son voluntarios e traballan todo o día.
04:54
Not to pat myself on the back,
Non é por gabarme
04:55
but I got quite good at my job.
mais era moi boa no meu traballo.
04:57
I was thriving off of the relationships I was building.
Estaba mellorando grazas as relacións que construía.
05:00
And the best way I knew how to judge whether I had earned someone's trust
E a mellor forma de saber se gañaba a confianza de alguén
05:04
was if they would come and ask me for help.
era se viñan xunto a min e pedían axuda.
05:06
I loved it.
Encantábame.
05:08
Every time we did year-end retreats
Cando faciamos retiros a fin de ano
05:09
and we talked about what we wanted to be in the next year,
e falabamos sobre o que queriamos para o ano seguinte,
05:12
my keywords were always "help" or "helpful."
o que sempre repetía era "axudar" e "útil".
05:14
The problem was that I wasn't being just helpful.
O problema é que non estaba sendo soamente útil.
05:17
Over time, I put more and more pressure on myself
Pouco a pouco, comecei a esixirme máis,
05:20
to always be busy
estar sempre ocupada
05:21
and to always do a good job.
e sempre facer ben o meu traballo.
05:23
Soon my self-worth became associated with my performance at work,
Axiña, a miña autoestima comezou a se relacionar co meu rendemento laboral,
05:27
which is basically a recipe for disaster.
o que vaticina o desastre.
05:30
But don't worry, because I had the best coping mechanism,
Aínda así, tiña a miña propia maneira de afrontalo
05:33
which was denial,
mediante a negación,
05:35
distraction with even more work
a distracción con máis traballo
05:36
and drinking --
e a bebida,
05:37
and lots of it.
moita bebida.
05:39
I was so busy being helpful and independent
Estaba tan ocupada sendo útil e independente,
05:41
and being a great Sam
sendo como Sam,
05:43
that I forgot how to ask for help when I needed it.
que esquecín pedir axuda cando a precisaba.
05:46
All I had to do was ask,
Só tiña que preguntar,
05:48
and if I truly believed that asking for help was a gift,
e se de verdade cría que pedir axuda era un regalo,
05:51
then I should have been doing it more, right?
entón debería facelo máis a miúdo, non sí?
05:53
Well, we don't always practice what we preach,
Bueno, non sempre facemos o que predicamos,
05:55
but about two years ago,
mais hai dous anos,
05:56
I was slapped with a big, fat reminder.
recibín o recordatorio que merecía.
05:59
To say that I was burned-out at the time was an understatement,
Dicir que estaba exhausta era pouco
06:02
but thanks to my coping mechanism, drinking,
mais grazas á maneira de afontalo e á bebida
06:05
it looked like I was just having a great time.
parecía que o estaba a pasar moi ben.
06:07
But one day,
Mais un día,
06:09
just like Sam in the playground,
como Sam no patio,
06:11
I tripped over my own two feet.
tropecei cos dous pés.
06:13
I blacked out
Esvaecinme
06:14
and woke up with a big cut on my foot from broken pieces of glass,
e espertei cun corte profundo no pé por culpa de cristais rotos,
06:18
eyes swollen from crying
os ollos inchados de chorar
06:20
and a voice so hoarse that I'd most likely been wailing.
e cunha voz tan rouca que moi probablemente estiven saloucando.
06:24
I don't have much recollection of what actually happened,
Non teño moi claro o que pasou,
06:26
but I remember feeling frustrated, sad and afraid.
mais recordo sentirme frustada, triste e asustada.
06:30
Now you've known me for only about 10 minutes,
Polo de agora, só levas comigo uns 10 minutos,
06:32
but you can probably tell that this was really not like me,
mais podes pensar que eu non me comporto desa maneira,
06:35
so when I came to my senses about what had happened,
así que cando me decatei do que sucedera
06:38
I was in shock.
estaba paralizada.
06:40
There was no other way of saying it other than that I needed help,
Era a maneira máis clara de pedir axuda
06:43
both in the sense of I needed some type of therapy help,
non só algún tipo de axuda terapéutica,
06:46
but also help in getting out of that situation.
senón tamén axuda para saír desa situación.
06:48
It was one of the lowest moments of my life,
Foi un dos peores momentos da miña vida,
06:51
and even in that moment,
e incluso nese intre,
06:52
my mind was running at hyperspeed into problem-solving mode.
a miña mente quería resolver rápidamente todos os problemas.
06:56
What do I do with this?
Que fago con isto?
06:57
If I don't fix this, then I'm even more of a disappointment.
Se non o soluciono, serei incluso máis decepcionante.
07:01
If I don't resolve this, then I'm even more of a failure.
Se non resolvo isto, serei incluso máis que unha fracasada.
07:04
Those are things that were running through my mind,
Eu tiña ese tipo de pensamentos,
07:06
and it didn't even occur to me that I could ask for help.
mais aínda así, non pensei en pedir axuda.
07:10
I was surrounded by so many people who cared for me and wanted to help,
Estaba rodeada de moita xente que me quería e quería axudarme,
07:13
but I just couldn't see them.
pero aínda así, non as vía.
07:16
Until finally, my good friend had to literally hold me by my shoulders
Ata que un bo amigo tivo que, literalmente, agarrarme polos ombros
07:21
and force me to ask for help.
e obligarme a pedir axuda.
07:24
"Can you do this?"
"Podes facer isto?"
07:25
"No."
"No."
07:26
"Do you need help?"
"Precisas axuda?"
07:28
"Yes."
"Si."
07:29
"Can I help you?"
"Pódote axudar?"
07:31
"Yes."
"Si."
07:32
"Can I get others that love and care for you to help you too?"
"Podo buscar a outras persoas ás que lles importas para que te axuden?"
07:36
"Yes."
"Si."
07:38
That was my grown-up version of locking eyes with my teacher.
Esa foi a versión adulta da mirada fixa co profesor.
07:41
And just like that,
E tan sinxelo como iso,
07:42
as soon as I said, "Yes, you may help me,"
Ao dicir: "Si, pódesme axudar",
07:44
I felt a tingling of hope
sentín un alento de esperanza
07:46
and some sort of control coming back.
e algo máis de control.
07:48
And if you think about it,
E se pensas sobre iso,
07:49
isn't it so weird we spend all of childhood
non é raro que pasemos toda a nosa infancia
07:51
being so good at asking for help
sendo tan bos en pedir axuda,
07:53
and are expected to grow up to be these self-reliant human beings
e que se espere de nós que sexamos autosuficientes
07:57
and we get so good at it
e moi bos
07:58
that we have to be reminded that it's OK to ask for help?
que nos teñan que recordar que non pasa nada por pedir axuda?
08:02
Later, that moment helped me realize so many things.
Despois, grazas a ese intre deime conta de moitas cousas.
08:05
I'm always so happy to help others and I love it.
Estou sempre contenta de axudar aos outros e encántame.
08:08
Why wouldn't others be willing to help me?
Por que os outros non ían querer axudarme?
08:10
And more importantly,
E o máis importante,
08:12
why wouldn't I want others to feel the happiness and joy
por que non ía querer que outros sentisen a alegría
08:14
that comes from helping the Sams of the world?
de axudar a outros Sams no mundo?
08:17
We all want to be the best Sams in life:
Todos queremos ser os mellores Sams:
08:20
to be strong, independent and self-reliant,
ser fortes, independendes e autosuficientes.
08:23
but we don't always have to be.
mais non o temos que ser sempre.
08:25
So let's start asking for help more often,
Así que, comecemos pedindo axuda máis a miúdo
08:27
because helping Sams is a privilege and a gift.
porque axudar a Sams é un privilexio e un agasallo.
08:31
Thank you.
Grazas.
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