What kids can teach adults about asking for help | YeYoon Kim

39,299 views ・ 2020-10-28

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Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Krystian Aparta
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What can we learn from children about being better humans?
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They're fiercely loyal to their friends,
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fast to defend, quick to apologize
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and swift to forgive.
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But as a past kindergarten teacher --
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always a kindergarten teacher at heart --
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I want to share with you
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a surprising lesson I learned from them about being asked for help.
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I love human behaviors --
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how we act differently in different situations and environments --
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and these cute five-year-olds with their adorable cheeks
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and the perfect height to give warm, morning hugs to
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and almost a competitive love for high fives,
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were so interesting.
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My first class was called a Mars class.
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I had 10 students,
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and each were so full of character.
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But there was this one kid I'll never forget.
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Let's call him Sam.
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Sam behaved like he forgot he was only five.
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He was so independent.
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Not only did he know how to tie his own shoelaces,
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but he knew how to tie other kids' shoelaces too.
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He also never took home a dirty thermos,
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because he would clean it after his lunch.
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And if something happened and he needed a change of clothes,
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he would do so very quietly and discreetly by himself.
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He didn't ask for help much himself,
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but he was the one that his classmates went to for help --
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help on things like,
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can he help them finish their kimchi? Because it's too spicy.
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He didn't like showing any type of affection to teachers
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and came across as "the cool kid."
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If you gave him a good-morning hug,
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he would roll his eyes
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and make a funny face as to show discontent,
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but also stand there and wait if he didn't get his morning hug.
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He was so smart and reliable
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that even I would forget that he was only five.
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As a novice teacher,
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I spent a lot of time observing
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how more experienced teachers interacted with their students.
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And I noticed something very peculiar.
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Oftentimes when kids fall,
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they don't start crying immediately.
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They would stand up, puzzled,
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as if trying to make up their mind --
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you know, "What just happened?"
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"Is this a big enough deal for me to cry?
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Does this hurt? What's going on?"
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Usually kids will be OK until they lock eyes with an adult:
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one that they trust and know can do something for them.
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Eyes lock, and then, they burst out in tears.
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When I noticed this, I so wanted it to happen to me,
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because to me, that meant that you had earned a kid's trust
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and had proven that you're capable to help them with anything.
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You were a hero to them.
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Weeks went by of me just watching other teachers
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have kids run to them in tears,
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and I'd watch in jealousy.
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Oh, was I jealous.
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I mean, of course I didn't want the kids to fall,
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but I really wanted that moment of validation
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that yes, I had earned a kid's trust enough to be the one to help them.
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Then, it finally happened.
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It was a beautiful day.
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It was during recess at the indoor playground.
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The kids were playing
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and I was getting some things laminated --
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because teachers are forever laminating stuff --
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in the teacher's room next door.
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Then I heard a kid yell, "Teacher, teacher, Sam fell down."
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So I went out to peak,
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looked around for Sam,
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and there he was, looking very puzzled,
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as if he was trying to add double digits.
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Then he looked at me,
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our eyes locked,
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and then it happened.
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His lower lip started to tremble
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and his tiny eyes started to fill with tears.
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Then he burst out in tears running towards me,
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and it was glorious.
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I'll never forget that moment.
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He let me give him a big hug to help him calm down,
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and it turns out that yes, he did trip over his own two feet
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so there was no one other than the floor to reprimand.
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We checked to make sure that he wasn't hurt
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and he overcame that with not even a bruise.
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It was in that moment, oddly --
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it didn't feel like I was there to help Sam,
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but rather he was giving me this gift,
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this opportunity to help him.
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And it's something very weird that I struggle putting down in words.
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With his vulnerability
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in coming to me for help as if I could do something about it,
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you would think that gives me the power,
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but in that moment,
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no, it was quite the opposite,
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and the power shifted even more so to him.
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Being asked for help is a privilege:
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a gift for you to do something for someone,
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especially when it's coming from their place of vulnerability.
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With everything I learned from kindergarten,
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or in "teaching" kindergarten,
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I went to conquer other things in life.
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Fast-forward nine years,
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and I landed in an association for project management professionals
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in a role that works extensively with volunteers.
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Working with volunteers is a wonderful experience,
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but there are some things I wish had a been warned about,
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like how to set boundaries.
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It's very easy to fall into the rabbit hole
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of "because they're volunteers."
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Late night calls?
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Yes, because they're volunteers and have day jobs.
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Business trips that are almost exclusively only on weekends?
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Yes, because they're volunteers and have day jobs.
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Not to pat myself on the back,
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but I got quite good at my job.
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I was thriving off of the relationships I was building.
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And the best way I knew how to judge whether I had earned someone's trust
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was if they would come and ask me for help.
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I loved it.
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Every time we did year-end retreats
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and we talked about what we wanted to be in the next year,
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my keywords were always "help" or "helpful."
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The problem was that I wasn't being just helpful.
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Over time, I put more and more pressure on myself
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to always be busy
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and to always do a good job.
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Soon my self-worth became associated with my performance at work,
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which is basically a recipe for disaster.
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But don't worry, because I had the best coping mechanism,
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which was denial,
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distraction with even more work
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and drinking --
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and lots of it.
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I was so busy being helpful and independent
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and being a great Sam
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that I forgot how to ask for help when I needed it.
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All I had to do was ask,
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and if I truly believed that asking for help was a gift,
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then I should have been doing it more, right?
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Well, we don't always practice what we preach,
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but about two years ago,
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I was slapped with a big, fat reminder.
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To say that I was burned-out at the time was an understatement,
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but thanks to my coping mechanism, drinking,
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it looked like I was just having a great time.
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But one day,
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just like Sam in the playground,
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I tripped over my own two feet.
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I blacked out
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and woke up with a big cut on my foot from broken pieces of glass,
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eyes swollen from crying
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and a voice so hoarse that I'd most likely been wailing.
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I don't have much recollection of what actually happened,
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but I remember feeling frustrated, sad and afraid.
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Now you've known me for only about 10 minutes,
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but you can probably tell that this was really not like me,
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so when I came to my senses about what had happened,
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I was in shock.
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There was no other way of saying it other than that I needed help,
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both in the sense of I needed some type of therapy help,
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but also help in getting out of that situation.
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It was one of the lowest moments of my life,
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and even in that moment,
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my mind was running at hyperspeed into problem-solving mode.
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What do I do with this?
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If I don't fix this, then I'm even more of a disappointment.
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If I don't resolve this, then I'm even more of a failure.
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Those are things that were running through my mind,
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and it didn't even occur to me that I could ask for help.
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I was surrounded by so many people who cared for me and wanted to help,
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but I just couldn't see them.
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Until finally, my good friend had to literally hold me by my shoulders
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and force me to ask for help.
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"Can you do this?"
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"No."
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"Do you need help?"
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"Yes."
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"Can I help you?"
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"Yes."
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"Can I get others that love and care for you to help you too?"
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"Yes."
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That was my grown-up version of locking eyes with my teacher.
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And just like that,
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as soon as I said, "Yes, you may help me,"
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I felt a tingling of hope
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and some sort of control coming back.
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And if you think about it,
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isn't it so weird we spend all of childhood
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being so good at asking for help
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and are expected to grow up to be these self-reliant human beings
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and we get so good at it
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that we have to be reminded that it's OK to ask for help?
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Later, that moment helped me realize so many things.
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I'm always so happy to help others and I love it.
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Why wouldn't others be willing to help me?
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And more importantly,
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why wouldn't I want others to feel the happiness and joy
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that comes from helping the Sams of the world?
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We all want to be the best Sams in life:
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to be strong, independent and self-reliant,
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but we don't always have to be.
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So let's start asking for help more often,
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because helping Sams is a privilege and a gift.
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Thank you.
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