What kids can teach adults about asking for help | YeYoon Kim

Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Krystian Aparta

翻译人员: Yidai Song 校对人员: Nan Yang

What can we learn from children about being better humans?

关于如何变成更好的人， 我们能从孩子身上学到什么呢？

They're fiercely loyal to their friends,

他们对待朋友十分忠诚，

fast to defend, quick to apologize

他们义无反顾地捍卫他人， 也能干脆利落地道歉，

and swift to forgive.

更能爽快地原谅。

But as a past kindergarten teacher --

但作为一位前幼儿教师——

always a kindergarten teacher at heart --

在心底也永远是幼教——

I want to share with you

我想与你们分享，孩子们教会我的

a surprising lesson I learned from them about being asked for help.

有关寻求帮助的惊喜一课。

I love human behaviors --

我喜欢观察人类的行为——

how we act differently in different situations and environments --

在不同的情景和环境之下， 我们的表现截然不同——

and these cute five-year-olds with their adorable cheeks

而这些有着可爱脸蛋，

以及让人想要在早晨 给一个温暖拥抱的完美身高

and the perfect height to give warm, morning hugs to

and almost a competitive love for high fives,

又特别爱击掌的萌萌五岁小孩们

were so interesting.

是如此有趣。

My first class was called a Mars class.

我教的第一个班级叫火星班，

I had 10 students,

班里有十个学生，

and each were so full of character.

每个人都个性十足。

But there was this one kid I'll never forget.

但其中有一个孩子令我印象深刻，

Let's call him Sam.

我们暂且称他为山姆。

Sam behaved like he forgot he was only five.

山姆表现得仿佛不记得自己只有五岁。

He was so independent.

他太独立了，

Not only did he know how to tie his own shoelaces,

他不仅知道如何自己系鞋带，

but he knew how to tie other kids' shoelaces too.

还知道怎么给其他孩子系鞋带。

He also never took home a dirty thermos,

他从不会把脏水壶带回家，

because he would clean it after his lunch.

因为他每次吃过午饭后都会把它洗好。

And if something happened and he needed a change of clothes,

就算发生了什么需要他换衣服的事情，

he would do so very quietly and discreetly by himself.

他也会悄悄并谨慎得 自己把衣服换好。

He didn't ask for help much himself,

他很少向别人寻求帮助，

but he was the one that his classmates went to for help --

但班里的其他同学总会来找他帮忙。

help on things like,

比如说，

can he help them finish their kimchi? Because it's too spicy.

韩国泡菜太辣了， 山姆能不能帮忙吃掉？

He didn't like showing any type of affection to teachers

山姆不喜欢向老师表露情感，

and came across as "the cool kid."

常以 “酷孩子” 的形象示人。

If you gave him a good-morning hug,

如果你想在早上抱抱他，

he would roll his eyes

他会翻起白眼，

and make a funny face as to show discontent,

并且做鬼脸以示不满；

but also stand there and wait if he didn't get his morning hug.

但要是不去抱他的话， 他又会乖乖站着等待。

He was so smart and reliable

他实在太过聪明可靠，

that even I would forget that he was only five.

以至于连我都会忘记他只有五岁而已。

As a novice teacher,

当时作为一名新幼师，

I spent a lot of time observing

我花了很长时间观察

how more experienced teachers interacted with their students.

经验丰富的老教师 是如何和学生们交流的。

And I noticed something very peculiar.

我由此发现了一件奇特的事，

Oftentimes when kids fall,

当孩子们摔倒的时候，

they don't start crying immediately.

他们常常不会立刻放声大哭，

They would stand up, puzzled,

他们会先站起来，满脸茫然，

as if trying to make up their mind --

仿佛试图理清思路：

you know, "What just happened?"

“刚刚发生了什么？”

"Is this a big enough deal for me to cry?

“我有没有必要哭？”

Does this hurt? What's going on?"

“有没有摔疼？现在是什么情况？”

Usually kids will be OK until they lock eyes with an adult:

孩子们往往不会有大碍， 直到他们的目光与大人的相撞，

one that they trust and know can do something for them.

一个他们信任的， 并且知道会帮助他们的大人。

Eyes lock, and then, they burst out in tears.

一旦目光锁定， 孩子们立刻会嚎啕大哭。

When I noticed this, I so wanted it to happen to me,

当我留意到这点时， 我特别希望我也能体验一番，

because to me, that meant that you had earned a kid's trust

因为这代表着 你已经赢得了一个孩子的信任，

and had proven that you're capable to help them with anything.

并且证明了 你有能力帮助他们做任何事，

You were a hero to them.

你就是他们的英雄。

Weeks went by of me just watching other teachers

几周过去了，

我只能满怀羡慕地望着

have kids run to them in tears,

and I'd watch in jealousy.

孩子们哭着奔向其他老师，

Oh, was I jealous.

我真的太嫉妒了。

I mean, of course I didn't want the kids to fall,

当然，我不想让孩子们跌倒，

but I really wanted that moment of validation

可我真的好想获得那一瞬间的肯定，

that yes, I had earned a kid's trust enough to be the one to help them.

确认自己已赢得了 一个孩子足够的信任来帮助他们。

Then, it finally happened.

然后，我终于梦想成真了。

It was a beautiful day.

那是十分美好的一天，

It was during recess at the indoor playground.

是在室内操场课间休息的时候，

The kids were playing

孩子们在玩耍，

and I was getting some things laminated --

我在办公室整理东西，

because teachers are forever laminating stuff --

因为老师们

in the teacher's room next door.

好像永远在隔壁房间整理东西。

Then I heard a kid yell, "Teacher, teacher, Sam fell down."

之后我听到一个孩子在喊： “老师，老师，山姆摔倒了！”

So I went out to peak,

于是我出门张望，

looked around for Sam,

四处寻找山姆的身影，

and there he was, looking very puzzled,

他就在那里，看上去十分迷茫，

as if he was trying to add double digits.

好像正在算十位数加法一样。

Then he looked at me,

接着他看向我，

our eyes locked,

我们的目光交汇了，

and then it happened.

这时神奇的事情发生了。

His lower lip started to tremble

他的下嘴唇开始颤抖，

and his tiny eyes started to fill with tears.

小小的眼睛逐渐充满泪水。

Then he burst out in tears running towards me,

然后他大哭起来，边哭边跑向我，

and it was glorious.

那一瞬间我倍感光荣，

I'll never forget that moment.

我永远也不会忘记那个时刻。

He let me give him a big hug to help him calm down,

他让我给了他一个大大的拥抱 来帮助他平复心情，

and it turns out that yes, he did trip over his own two feet

后来我们发现， 他的确是被自己绊倒了，

so there was no one other than the floor to reprimand.

要怪的话只能怪地板。

We checked to make sure that he wasn't hurt

我们仔细检查了一番， 确保他没有受伤，

and he overcame that with not even a bruise.

他没事了，全身没有一处淤青。

It was in that moment, oddly --

但奇怪的是在那一瞬间，

it didn't feel like I was there to help Sam,

我仿佛感觉自己不是来帮助山姆的，

but rather he was giving me this gift,

而是他给了我这份馈赠、

this opportunity to help him.

这个机会去帮助他。

And it's something very weird that I struggle putting down in words.

这太奇怪了，奇怪到无法用语言形容。

With his vulnerability

他来找我帮忙的时候

in coming to me for help as if I could do something about it,

显得那么脆弱， 好像我能做点什么似的。

you would think that gives me the power,

你可能会认为这给予了我权力，

but in that moment,

但在那一瞬间，

no, it was quite the opposite,

恰恰相反，

and the power shifted even more so to him.

这种权力更多地转移到了他身上。

Being asked for help is a privilege:

被寻求帮助是一种荣幸，

a gift for you to do something for someone,

是一份礼物，

especially when it's coming from their place of vulnerability.

尤其在他人脆弱的时候， 你可以借此为他们做点什么。

With everything I learned from kindergarten,

我在幼儿园里学到的一切，

or in "teaching" kindergarten,

或者说是 “教学” 中学到的一切，

I went to conquer other things in life.

也帮助我征服生活中的其他事情。

Fast-forward nine years,

九年过后，

and I landed in an association for project management professionals

我已成为某个 项目管理专业人士协会的一员，

in a role that works extensively with volunteers.

而我负责的岗位 要求和志愿者进行广泛合作。

Working with volunteers is a wonderful experience,

虽然与他们共事是一段美妙的经历，

but there are some things I wish had a been warned about,

但有些事情 我还是希望事先得到过提醒，

like how to set boundaries.

比如界限设定的问题。

It's very easy to fall into the rabbit hole

我很陷入“因为他们是志愿者”

of "because they're volunteers."

这套说辞，

Late night calls?

半夜三更打来的电话？

Yes, because they're volunteers and have day jobs.

得接，因为他们是志愿者， 所以白天还要工作；

Business trips that are almost exclusively only on weekends?

只能在周末出差？

Yes, because they're volunteers and have day jobs.

得批准，因为他们是志愿者， 所以白天还要工作。

Not to pat myself on the back,

我不是安慰自己，

but I got quite good at my job.

但我的确很擅长这份工作，

I was thriving off of the relationships I was building.

我不断与他人建立关系，并乐在其中。

And the best way I knew how to judge whether I had earned someone's trust

而我用来判断自己是否 赢得了他人信任的最佳方式，

was if they would come and ask me for help.

就是看他们是否会找我帮忙，

I loved it.

我爱这种体验。

Every time we did year-end retreats

每次我们举办年终聚会，

and we talked about what we wanted to be in the next year,

谈论到来年的心愿时，

my keywords were always "help" or "helpful."

我的关键词总是 “帮助”或者“帮的上忙的“。

The problem was that I wasn't being just helpful.

可问题是，我不仅总是在帮助别人，

Over time, I put more and more pressure on myself

时间长了， 我也不断在为自己施加压力：

to always be busy

要永远让自己保持繁忙的状态，

and to always do a good job.

要永远要把工作做好。

Soon my self-worth became associated with my performance at work,

很快，我就将自我价值 和工作表现挂上了钩，

which is basically a recipe for disaster.

这简直是一切灾祸的根源。

But don't worry, because I had the best coping mechanism,

但别担心，因为我有绝佳的应对机制，

which was denial,

那就是否认：

distraction with even more work

我会用更多的工作分散注意力，

and drinking --

或者喝酒——

and lots of it.

喝很多。

I was so busy being helpful and independent

我一直忙着帮助别人，忙着保持独立，

and being a great Sam

仿佛是长大版的山姆，

that I forgot how to ask for help when I needed it.

以至于我自己需要帮助的时候 却忘记了该如何开口，

All I had to do was ask,

我要做的仅仅是开口询问，

and if I truly believed that asking for help was a gift,

并且如果我真的相信 寻求帮助是件馈赠，

then I should have been doing it more, right?

那么我反而应当多这样做，不是吗？

Well, we don't always practice what we preach,

看来我们往往不一定说到做到。

but about two years ago,

但差不多两年前，

I was slapped with a big, fat reminder.

我被一巴掌拍醒了。

To say that I was burned-out at the time was an understatement,

要说我筋疲力竭， 在当时都是轻描淡写，

but thanks to my coping mechanism, drinking,

但多亏了我的应对机制以及喝酒解忧，

it looked like I was just having a great time.

我看上去还算过得开心。

But one day,

然而有一天，

just like Sam in the playground,

正如那天操场上的山姆一样，

I tripped over my own two feet.

我也不小心被自己绊倒了。

I blacked out

当时我眼前一黑，

and woke up with a big cut on my foot from broken pieces of glass,

再清醒过来时，发现脚上 被碎玻璃割了一道大口。

eyes swollen from crying

我当时大概一直在哭，

and a voice so hoarse that I'd most likely been wailing.

因为后来我眼睛哭肿了，声音也哑了。

I don't have much recollection of what actually happened,

虽然我已记不清具体的情形，

but I remember feeling frustrated, sad and afraid.

但我还能记起自己有多沮丧与害怕。

Now you've known me for only about 10 minutes,

而现在，你们虽然 才认识了我差不多十分钟，

but you can probably tell that this was really not like me,

但你们或许也能猜出 那时的我表现得并不像我。

so when I came to my senses about what had happened,

所以，当我恢复了理智 并弄清楚发生了什么后，

I was in shock.

我大吃一惊。

There was no other way of saying it other than that I needed help,

没有什么可说的了， 那时的我太需要帮助了，

both in the sense of I needed some type of therapy help,

不仅需要物理上的治疗，

but also help in getting out of that situation.

也需要有人帮助我摆脱困境。

It was one of the lowest moments of my life,

那是我人生中最低谷的时刻之一，

and even in that moment,

但即使在那时，

my mind was running at hyperspeed into problem-solving mode.

我的脑子还在高速运转， 切换到解决问题的模式：

What do I do with this?

我能对此做些什么吗？

If I don't fix this, then I'm even more of a disappointment.

如果我不解决这个问题， 那么我会陷入更深的失望之中；

If I don't resolve this, then I'm even more of a failure.

如果我不解决这个问题， 我会更加失败。

Those are things that were running through my mind,

当时我满脑子都是这些念头，

and it didn't even occur to me that I could ask for help.

甚至从没想到可以向别人寻求帮助。

I was surrounded by so many people who cared for me and wanted to help,

我周围有那么多关心我、 想帮助我的人，

but I just couldn't see them.

但我却对他们视而不见。

Until finally, my good friend had to literally hold me by my shoulders

直到最后，我的好朋友 不得不摁住我的肩膀，

and force me to ask for help.

强迫我允许她帮忙：

"Can you do this?"

“你能做的来这个吗？”

"No."

“不能。”

"Do you need help?"

“你需要帮助吗？”

"Yes."

“是的。”

"Can I help you?"

“我可以帮你吗？”

"Yes."

“可以。”

"Can I get others that love and care for you to help you too?"

“那我能让其他爱你、 在乎你的人来帮你吗？”

"Yes."

“可以。”

That was my grown-up version of locking eyes with my teacher.

这简直是和老师目光交汇 发生在我身上的成人版，

And just like that,

就这样，

as soon as I said, "Yes, you may help me,"

当我终于说出 “是的，你可以帮我” 后，

I felt a tingling of hope

我便感到了一丝希望的悸动，

and some sort of control coming back.

好像重新夺回了某种掌控权。

And if you think about it,

如果你思考一下，

isn't it so weird we spend all of childhood

我们整个童年都十分擅长寻求帮助，

being so good at asking for help

可长大后人们却期盼着我们独立自强，

and are expected to grow up to be these self-reliant human beings

而有时我们又太过独立，

and we get so good at it

以至于经常需要被提醒，

that we have to be reminded that it's OK to ask for help?

寻求帮助并不可耻， 这难道不奇怪吗？

Later, that moment helped me realize so many things.

后来，那一刻发生的事情 让我明白了许多，

I'm always so happy to help others and I love it.

我很高兴能提供帮助， 我也很喜欢这样做，

Why wouldn't others be willing to help me?

别人对我又何尝不是如此呢？

And more importantly,

更重要的是，

why wouldn't I want others to feel the happiness and joy

我又何尝不希望大家都能 从帮助像山姆一类的人中，

that comes from helping the Sams of the world?

获得快乐与幸福呢？

We all want to be the best Sams in life:

我们每个人都渴望成为山姆，

to be strong, independent and self-reliant,

他们坚定有力，独立自强，

but we don't always have to be.

但我们不必总是这样。

So let's start asking for help more often,

多向他人寻求帮助吧！

because helping Sams is a privilege and a gift.

因为帮助山姆们是一种荣幸和馈赠。

Thank you.

谢谢大家。