What kids can teach adults about asking for help | YeYoon Kim

Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier Reviewer: Krystian Aparta

譯者: Yunchi Hsu 審譯者: Amanda Zhu

What can we learn from children about being better humans?

我們能從孩子身上學習到甚麼 以成為一個更好的人呢？

They're fiercely loyal to their friends,

他們對朋友極度忠誠、

fast to defend, quick to apologize

防禦心強、勇於道歉，

and swift to forgive.

也不吝於寬恕別人。

But as a past kindergarten teacher --

但是作為一個前幼稚園老師──

always a kindergarten teacher at heart --

到現在一直也以幼稚園老師自居──

I want to share with you

我想要和你分享

a surprising lesson I learned from them about being asked for help.

我從他們身上學到關於求助的 意外又寶貴的一課。

I love human behaviors --

我對人類的行為很感到興趣

how we act differently in different situations and environments --

──我們如何因不同的情境與環境 做出不同的行動──

and these cute five-year-olds with their adorable cheeks

而這些有雙可愛臉頰

and the perfect height to give warm, morning hugs to

以及讓人想要在早晨 給一個溫暖擁抱的完美身高

and almost a competitive love for high fives,

又酷愛擊掌的五歲小孩

were so interesting.

是如此的有趣。

My first class was called a Mars class.

我帶的第一個班叫做火星班。

I had 10 students,

我有十位學生，

and each were so full of character.

而每個人都充滿個性。

But there was this one kid I'll never forget.

但是有一位小孩令我印象非常深刻。

Let's call him Sam.

我們就稱作他「山姆」吧。

Sam behaved like he forgot he was only five.

山姆的舉止表現 不像是一位只有五歲的小孩。

He was so independent.

他非常獨立自主。

Not only did he know how to tie his own shoelaces,

他不僅知道如何自己綁鞋帶，

but he knew how to tie other kids' shoelaces too.

他還知道如何幫其他小孩綁鞋帶。

He also never took home a dirty thermos,

他總是帶著乾淨的熱水瓶回家，

because he would clean it after his lunch.

因為他午餐後都會去清洗它。

And if something happened and he needed a change of clothes,

而當他因某些緣故需要換衣服時，

he would do so very quietly and discreetly by himself.

他總是非常安靜而謹慎地一個人做。

He didn't ask for help much himself,

他自己不太會來求助，

but he was the one that his classmates went to for help --

但他都是那位同學來求助的人，

help on things like,

像是幫忙吃完他們的泡菜， 因為太辣了。

can he help them finish their kimchi? Because it's too spicy.

He didn't like showing any type of affection to teachers

他不太喜歡對老師流露任何感情

and came across as "the cool kid."

並表現出一副「酷酷的」模樣。

If you gave him a good-morning hug,

如果你想要給他一個早安的擁抱，

he would roll his eyes

他會對你翻白眼

and make a funny face as to show discontent,

並做鬼臉來表現不滿，

but also stand there and wait if he didn't get his morning hug.

但如果他沒得到擁抱， 他仍會站在那裡並等著你來抱他。

He was so smart and reliable

他是如此的聰明且可靠，

that even I would forget that he was only five.

甚至連我有時都會忘記 他只有五歲而已。

As a novice teacher,

做為一位新手老師，

I spent a lot of time observing

我花很多時間去觀察

how more experienced teachers interacted with their students.

較有經驗的老師如何 與他們的學生互動。

And I noticed something very peculiar.

而我注意到一件非常特別的現象。

Oftentimes when kids fall,

經常，當小朋友跌到時，

they don't start crying immediately.

他們並不會立刻就哭出來。

They would stand up, puzzled,

他們會起來，感到困惑，

as if trying to make up their mind --

彷彿他們還在考慮──

you know, "What just happened?"

「剛剛發生了甚麼事？」

"Is this a big enough deal for me to cry?

「這有嚴重到我需要哭的地步嗎？

Does this hurt? What's going on?"

這樣會痛嗎？發生了甚麼事？」

Usually kids will be OK until they lock eyes with an adult:

小孩通常會沒事，直到他們的 視線落在一個大人身上：

one that they trust and know can do something for them.

那位他們所信任 而且能為他們做點甚麼的人。

Eyes lock, and then, they burst out in tears.

跟那位大人視線鎖定後， 接著，他們便開始嚎啕大哭。

When I noticed this, I so wanted it to happen to me,

當我注意到這件事時， 我多希望它能發生在我身上，

because to me, that meant that you had earned a kid's trust

因為對我來說，那意味著 你已贏得了一個小朋友的信任，

and had proven that you're capable to help them with anything.

並且證明了你有能力 為他們提供任何幫助。

You were a hero to them.

你就是他們的英雄。

Weeks went by of me just watching other teachers

過了幾個禮拜，我目睹小孩們噙著淚水

have kids run to them in tears,

跑向其他老師的懷抱，

and I'd watch in jealousy.

而我只能在一旁羨慕地看著。

Oh, was I jealous.

噢，我真是羨慕他們。

I mean, of course I didn't want the kids to fall,

當然，我並不是希望小孩子跌倒受傷，

but I really wanted that moment of validation

但我十分渴望能夠證明 自己的那一刻會到來，

that yes, I had earned a kid's trust enough to be the one to help them.

證明我已經得到小孩足夠的信任， 他們覺得我也能幫助他們。

Then, it finally happened.

然後，那一刻終於來臨了。

It was a beautiful day.

那是一個美好的一天。

It was during recess at the indoor playground.

事情發生在下課時間的室內遊樂區。

The kids were playing

孩子們正在玩耍，

and I was getting some things laminated --

而我正在護貝東西

because teachers are forever laminating stuff --

──因為老師總是一直在護貝東西──

in the teacher's room next door.

他們在教師室隔壁的房間裡。

Then I heard a kid yell, "Teacher, teacher, Sam fell down."

接著我聽到一個小孩喊著： 「老師！老師！山姆跌倒了！」

So I went out to peak,

所以我就出去看，

looked around for Sam,

尋找山姆的所在。

and there he was, looking very puzzled,

我看到他了，他看起來非常困惑，

as if he was trying to add double digits.

彷彿像是在思考 二位數的加法怎麼做一樣。

Then he looked at me,

然後他看著我，

our eyes locked,

我們的視線對上，

and then it happened.

而事情就發生了。

His lower lip started to tremble

他的下唇開始顫抖，

and his tiny eyes started to fill with tears.

而他小巧的雙眼開始盈滿淚水。

Then he burst out in tears running towards me,

接著，他開始大哭，朝著我奔來，

and it was glorious.

我永遠都不會忘記

I'll never forget that moment.

這美妙的一刻。

He let me give him a big hug to help him calm down,

他讓我給他一個大大的擁抱 使他冷靜下來，

and it turns out that yes, he did trip over his own two feet

事實證明，沒錯， 他的確是自己失足絆倒的，

so there was no one other than the floor to reprimand.

所以唯一的罪魁禍首 沒有別人，只有地板。

We checked to make sure that he wasn't hurt

我們檢查並確定他有沒有受傷，

and he overcame that with not even a bruise.

而他也撐過去了，連個瘀青都沒有。

It was in that moment, oddly --

奇怪的是，在那一刻，

it didn't feel like I was there to help Sam,

我覺得我並不是在幫忙山姆，

but rather he was giving me this gift,

而是他送給我這一份禮物，

this opportunity to help him.

一個幫忙他的機會。

And it's something very weird that I struggle putting down in words.

而我難以用言語來形容 這種十分奇異的感覺。

With his vulnerability

因為他的脆弱，

in coming to me for help as if I could do something about it,

來向我求助，好像我可以做點甚麼，

you would think that gives me the power,

你會認為這件事會給我權力，

but in that moment,

但在那一刻，

no, it was quite the opposite,

不是的，完全相反，

and the power shifted even more so to him.

反而是更多權力轉移到他的身上。

Being asked for help is a privilege:

被請求幫忙是一份榮幸：

a gift for you to do something for someone,

這份禮物讓你能夠幫某人做某事，

especially when it's coming from their place of vulnerability.

特別是當他們感到脆弱的時候。

With everything I learned from kindergarten,

靠著我在幼稚園學到的一切，

or in "teaching" kindergarten,

或者說在幼稚園「教學」的經驗，

I went to conquer other things in life.

我克服了人生中的其他挑戰。

Fast-forward nine years,

時間跳至九年後，

and I landed in an association for project management professionals

我加入了一個 專案管理專業人員的協會，

in a role that works extensively with volunteers.

並接下與志工廣泛合作的職責。

Working with volunteers is a wonderful experience,

和志工一起工作是一個很棒的經驗，

but there are some things I wish had a been warned about,

但有些事情， 我真希望當初能早點知道，

like how to set boundaries.

像是如何設好界線。

It's very easy to fall into the rabbit hole

「因為他們是志工」的想法

of "because they're volunteers."

很容易讓人使自己陷入窘境。

Late night calls?

半夜還打電話來？

Yes, because they're volunteers and have day jobs.

當然，因為他們是志工， 白天還有工作要做。

Business trips that are almost exclusively only on weekends?

周末的時候還必須要出差？

Yes, because they're volunteers and have day jobs.

沒辦法，因為他們是志工， 平日還有工作要做。

Not to pat myself on the back,

我並不是想炫耀自己，

but I got quite good at my job.

但是我在這份工作表現得挺好的。

I was thriving off of the relationships I was building.

我因我與他人所建立的關係感到滿足，

And the best way I knew how to judge whether I had earned someone's trust

而據我所知，判斷我是否獲得 他人信任的最好方法

was if they would come and ask me for help.

即是，他們是否會前來向我求助。

I loved it.

我很愛這種感覺。

Every time we did year-end retreats

每當我們舉辦教會的年終靜修會，

and we talked about what we wanted to be in the next year,

而我們談論來年 想要成為甚麼樣的人時，

my keywords were always "help" or "helpful."

我的關鍵字總是「助人」， 或是「樂於助人」。

The problem was that I wasn't being just helpful.

問題是，我不只是樂於助人而已，

Over time, I put more and more pressure on myself

隨著時間過去， 我給自己越來越多的壓力，

to always be busy

總是讓自己過得忙碌，

and to always do a good job.

並經常要求自己有好表現。

Soon my self-worth became associated with my performance at work,

很快地，我的自我價值 變得與工作表現有關，

which is basically a recipe for disaster.

基本上這簡直是災難的禍源。

But don't worry, because I had the best coping mechanism,

但不用擔心，我有絕佳的應付機制，

which was denial,

分別是：否認、

distraction with even more work

用更多的工作讓自己分心、

and drinking --

以及飲酒，

and lots of it.

而且喝很多。

I was so busy being helpful and independent

我忙著當一位獨立且樂於助人的人，

and being a great Sam

當一位很棒的「小山姆」，

that I forgot how to ask for help when I needed it.

卻忘記了如何在 我需要幫助時出聲求助。

All I had to do was ask,

我只需要開口，

and if I truly believed that asking for help was a gift,

而且，如果我真的相信 求助是給別人的一份禮物，

then I should have been doing it more, right?

那我應該更常去做，對吧？

Well, we don't always practice what we preach,

不過，我們並不總是言行一致，

but about two years ago,

但大約兩年前，

I was slapped with a big, fat reminder.

發生一件事，給了我沉痛的提醒。

To say that I was burned-out at the time was an understatement,

要說我那時是疲勞過度， 都還太輕描淡寫了，

but thanks to my coping mechanism, drinking,

但是多虧我的應對機制──飲酒，

it looked like I was just having a great time.

表面上，我看起來過得很開心。

But one day,

但有一天，

just like Sam in the playground,

就像遊樂場裡的山姆，

I tripped over my own two feet.

我失足跌倒了。

I blacked out

我失去知覺，

and woke up with a big cut on my foot from broken pieces of glass,

一醒來便發現， 腳上被碎玻璃割出大大的傷口，

eyes swollen from crying

眼睛哭得腫腫的，

and a voice so hoarse that I'd most likely been wailing.

而且聲音非常沙啞， 看來我很可能哭了很久。

I don't have much recollection of what actually happened,

我對實際到底發生甚麼事 沒有太多的記憶，

but I remember feeling frustrated, sad and afraid.

但我記得我感到挫折、沮喪又害怕。

Now you've known me for only about 10 minutes,

雖然你只認識我大約十分鐘的時間，

but you can probably tell that this was really not like me,

但你大概感覺得出來， 這一點都不像我，

so when I came to my senses about what had happened,

所以當我清醒過來 並弄清楚發生了甚麼事時，

I was in shock.

我非常地震驚。

There was no other way of saying it other than that I needed help,

除了「我需要幫助」以外， 沒有別的說法了，

both in the sense of I needed some type of therapy help,

這意思既是我需要 某種心理治療的幫助，

but also help in getting out of that situation.

也意味著我需要有人來 幫我脫離那個處境。

It was one of the lowest moments of my life,

那是我人生中的低潮之一，

and even in that moment,

而即使是在那種時刻，

my mind was running at hyperspeed into problem-solving mode.

我的腦袋還是立刻飛快地 進入問題解決的模式，

What do I do with this?

我該怎麼做？

If I don't fix this, then I'm even more of a disappointment.

如果我不好好處理的話， 那我會讓別人對我更加失望。

If I don't resolve this, then I'm even more of a failure.

如果我沒有解決這問題的話， 那我更是一個失敗的人。

Those are things that were running through my mind,

這些想法在我的腦袋中迅速閃過，

and it didn't even occur to me that I could ask for help.

而我根本就沒想到 可以請求別人幫忙。

I was surrounded by so many people who cared for me and wanted to help,

我周邊有那麼多人關心我 而且願意幫我的忙，

but I just couldn't see them.

但我就是看不到他們。

Until finally, my good friend had to literally hold me by my shoulders

直到最後，我的好朋友 必須抓住我的肩膀，

and force me to ask for help.

並要我開口求助。

"Can you do this?"

「妳辦得到嗎？」

"No."

「不行。」

"Do you need help?"

「妳需要幫忙嗎？」

"Yes."

「是。」

"Can I help you?"

「我可以幫妳嗎？」

"Yes."

「可以。」

"Can I get others that love and care for you to help you too?"

「我可以叫其他愛妳、 關心你的人也來幫妳嗎？」

"Yes."

「可以。」

That was my grown-up version of locking eyes with my teacher.

這是我大人版的「和老師對上視線」。

And just like that,

而就像那樣，

as soon as I said, "Yes, you may help me,"

當我一說完「可以，你可以幫我。」

I felt a tingling of hope

我感覺到一絲希望

and some sort of control coming back.

也拿回了一點對於生活的掌控。

And if you think about it,

而如果你想一想，這不是很奇怪嗎？

isn't it so weird we spend all of childhood

當我們還是小孩時，

being so good at asking for help

我們如此地擅於尋求幫助，

and are expected to grow up to be these self-reliant human beings

但長大後，卻被期望 要成為一個能自力更生的人，

and we get so good at it

而我們做得太好，

that we have to be reminded that it's OK to ask for help?

反而需要有人提醒我們， 讓別人幫忙其實是沒關係的。

Later, that moment helped me realize so many things.

之後，那剎那讓我明白好多東西。

I'm always so happy to help others and I love it.

我總是熱愛且樂於幫助別人，

Why wouldn't others be willing to help me?

那其他人怎麼會不願意幫我的忙呢？

And more importantly,

更重要的是，

why wouldn't I want others to feel the happiness and joy

我怎麼會不想讓別人也體會到

that comes from helping the Sams of the world?

幫助世界上的小山姆們 所得到的的快樂與喜悅呢？

We all want to be the best Sams in life:

在人生中，我們都想成為最棒的山姆：

to be strong, independent and self-reliant,

成為一個堅強、獨立且自力更生的人。

but we don't always have to be.

但是我們並不用一直都這樣子。

So let's start asking for help more often,

所以，更頻繁地開口求助吧，

because helping Sams is a privilege and a gift.

因為幫助山姆是一份榮幸與禮物。

Thank you.

感謝聆聽。