How understanding divorce can help your marriage | Jeannie Suk Gersen

Translator: Reno Kanti Riananda Reviewer: Karen Winardi

"Till death do us part."

"Sampai maut memisahkan kita."

When we get married, we make vows.

Saat menikah, kita berjanji.

To love, to honor,

Untuk mencintai, menghargai,

to forsake all others.

untuk meninggalkan yang lainnya.

Or as a friend of mine put it,

Atau seperti yang dikatakan teman saya,

"Not to leave dirty socks all over the house."

"Jangan tinggalkan kaus kaki kotor sembarangan."

(Laughter)

[Tawa]

We may fall short of some of our promises

Mungkin kita tak selalu bisa menepati semua janji itu

some of the time,

dalam banyak kesempatan,

but one that will always hold true is that first one:

namun satu yang selalu benar adalah janji yang pertama:

"Till death do us part."

"Sampai maut memisahkan kita."

Because spouses are bound together by their decisions,

Karena tiap pasangan terikat oleh keputusan bersama,

in marriage and in divorce.

baik dalam pernikahan maupun perceraian.

So, a mentor of mine once told me,

Mentor saya pernah berkata,

"You should always marry your second husband first."

"Anda harus menikahi suami kedua terlebih dahulu."

(Laughter)

[Tawa]

What did that mean?

Apa maksudnya?

It didn't mean that Mr. Right is somehow waiting behind door number two.

Bukan berarti jodoh Anda ada di kesempatan yang kedua.

It meant that if you want to understand

Maksudnya adalah jika Anda ingin memahami

what makes a marriage work,

apa yang membuat pernikahan langgeng,

you should think about how a marriage ends.

Anda harus memahami mengapa pernikahan bisa berakhir.

Divorce makes extremely explicit

Perceraian membuat aturan-aturan tak tertulis dalam pernikahan

what the tacit rules of marriage are.

menjadi sangat gamblang.

And everyone should understand those rules,

Dan semua orang harus memahami aturan-aturan tersebut,

because doing so can help us build better marriages from the beginning.

karena itu semua membantu kita membentuk pernikahan yang lebih baik sejak awal.

I know, it doesn't sound very romantic,

Iya, kedengarannya sangat tak romantis,

but sometimes the things we do out of love

tapi hal-hal yang kita lakukan demi cinta

can be the very things that make it hard for that love to last.

justru bisa menjadi hal-hal yang mempersulit cinta itu untuk bertahan.

I am a family-law professor.

Saya seorang guru besar di bidang hukum keluarga.

I have taught students,

Saya pernah mengajar,

I've been an attorney,

Saya pernah menjadi pengacara,

I'm a mediator

saya seorang mediator pernikahan,

and I've also been divorced.

dan saya juga pernah bercerai.

And I'm now happily married to my actual second husband.

Dan sekarang saya sudah bahagia dengan suami yang kedua.

(Laughter)

[Tawa]

The reason that I think this is so important

Alasan saya merasa ini sangat penting

is that I think everyone should be having some of these very painful conversations

adalah karena saya pikir semua orang harus berbicara tentang hal-hal menyakitkan

that divorced people experience.

seperti yang dialami pasangan bercerai.

These are painful conversations about what we contributed,

Percakapan menyakitkan ini tentang apa saja yang telah kita berikan,

what we owe,

apa yang kita terima,

what we are willing to give

apa yang mau kita berikan

and what we give up.

dan apa yang kita tinggalkan.

And also, what's important to us.

Dan juga, apa yang penting untuk kita.

Those conversations should be happening in a good marriage,

Percakapan ini seharusnya dilakukan dalam pernikahan yang baik,

not after it is broken.

bukan setelah pernikahan tersebut retak.

Because when you wait until it's broken,

Karena jika Anda menunggu sampai pernikahan itu retak,

it's too late.

maka sudah terlambat.

But if you have them early on,

Namun jika Anda melakukannya dari awal,

they can actually help build a better marriage.

percakapan ini dapat membangun pernikahan yang lebih baik.

Three ideas that I want to put on the table

Ada tiga pemikiran yang ingin saya sampaikan

for you to consider.

untuk Anda pertimbangkan.

One, sacrifice should be thought of as a fair exchange.

Pertama, pengorbanan harus diposisikan sebagai hubungan timbal balik yang setara.

Two, there's no such thing as free childcare.

Kedua, tidak ada yang namanya pengasuhan anak gratis.

And three, what's yours probably becomes ours.

Dan ketiga, yang semula milik Anda kemungkinan akan menjadi milik bersama.

So let me talk about each of these ideas.

Saya akan menjelaskan tiap pemikiran ini.

The first one,

Yang pertama,

sacrifice should be a fair exchange.

pengorbanan sebagai hubungan timbal balik yang setara.

Take the example of Lisa and Andy.

Ambil contoh Lisa dan Andy.

Lisa decides to go to medical school early in the marriage,

Lisa memutuskan untuk sekolah kedokteran di awal pernikahan,

and Andy works to support them.

dan Andy bekerja untuk menghidupi mereka.

And Andy works night shifts in order to do that,

Agar berhasil, Andy harus bekerja di malam hari

and he also gives up a great job in another city.

dan melepas pekerjaan bagus di kota lain.

He does this out of love.

Andy melakukan ini karena cinta.

But of course, he also understands

Tapi dia juga memahami

that Lisa's degree will benefit them both in the end.

bahwa gelar yang didapat Lisa akan menguntungkan mereka berdua.

But after a few years, Andy becomes neglected and resentful.

Namun beberapa tahun kemudian, Andy merasa marah dan terabaikan.

And he starts drinking heavily.

Ia mulai minum berlebihan.

And Lisa looks at her life and she looks at Andy and she thinks,

Lisa merenungi hidupnya dan Andy, dan ia berpikir,

"This is not the bargain I wanted to make."

"Bukan ini yang saya inginkan."

A couple of years go by,

Dua tahun berlalu,

she graduates from medical school,

Lisa menyelesaikan sekolahnya,

and she files for a divorce.

dan mengajukan cerai.

So in my perfect world,

Dalam kehidupan sempurna yang saya bayangkan,

some kind of marriage mediator would have been able to talk to them

seorang mediator pernikahan bisa saja berdiskusi dengan mereka

before Lisa went to medical school.

sebelum Lisa memutuskan untuk kuliah.

And at that point, that mediator might have asked,

Pada saat itu, mediator mungkin akan bertanya,

"How exactly does fair exchange work?

"Bagaimanakah cara kerja dari timbal balik yang setara?

What does it look like in your marriage?

Seperti apa bentuknya di pernikahan Anda?

What are you willing to give and what are you willing to owe?"

Apa yang Anda rela berikan, dan bagaimana Anda mau dibantu?"

So in a divorce,

Jadi dalam perceraian,

Lisa now probably is going to owe Andy financial support for years.

Lisa berutang atas dukungan keuangan yang diterima dari Andy selama bertahun-tahun.

And Andy ...

Dan Andy ...

no amount of financial support is going to make him feel compensated

dukungan finansial sebesar apa pun tidak akan dapat menggantikan

for what he gave up,

hal-hal yang telah ia korbankan

and the lost traction in his career.

serta kemandekan karirnya.

If the two of them had thought about their split early on,

Jika keduanya sejak awal memikirkan kemungkinan perceraian,

what might have gone differently?

apa yang mungkin berbeda?

Well, it's possible that Lisa would have decided

Mungkin saja Lisa memutuskan

that she would take loans or work a part-time job

untuk mengambil pinjaman atau bekerja paruh waktu

in order to support her own tuition

untuk membiayai biaya sekolahnya

so that Andy wouldn't have had to bear the entire burden for that.

sehingga Andy tak perlu menanggung semua beban sendirian.

And Andy might have decided to take that job in that other city

Dan Andy bisa mengambil pekerjaan bagus di luar kota

and maybe the two of them would have commuted for a couple of years

dan mungkin keduanya harus pulang-pergi kerja selama beberapa tahun

while Lisa finished her degree.

sementara Lisa menyelesaikan studinya.

So let's take another couple, Emily and Deb.

Mari kita lihat pasangan yang lain, Emily dan Deb.

They live in a big city,

Mereka tinggal di kota besar,

they have two children, they both work.

memiliki dua orang anak, dan keduanya bekerja.

Emily gets a job in a small town,

Emily mendapat pekerjaan di sebuah kota kecil,

and they decide to move there together.

dan mereka memutuskan untuk pindah.

And Deb quits her job to look after the children full-time.

Deb berhenti dari pekerjaannya khusus untuk mengurus anak-anak.

Deb leaves behind an extended family,

Deb meninggalkan keluarga besarnya,

her friends

teman-temannya

and a job that she really liked.

serta pekerjaan yang sangat ia sukai.

And in that small town, Deb starts to feel isolated and lonely.

Di kota kecil itu, Deb merasa terisolasi dan kesepian.

And 10 years later, Deb has an affair,

Dan 10 tahun kemudian, Deb berselingkuh,

and things fall apart.

dan semuanya menjadi berantakan.

Now, the marriage mediator who would have come in

Mediator pernikahan yang bisa menengahi

before they moved and before Deb quit her job

sebelum mereka pindah dan Deb berhenti dari pekerjaannya

might have asked them,

mungkin akan bertanya,

"What do your choices about childcare

"Bagaimana pilihan pengasuhan anak

do to the obligations you have to each other?

mempengaruhi kewajiban Anda terhadap satu sama lain?

How do they affect your relationship?

Bagaimana itu mempengaruhi hubungan Anda?

Because you have to remember

Karena Anda harus ingat,

that there is no such thing as free childcare."

tidak ada pengasuhan anak yang gratis."

If the two of them had thought about their split beforehand,

Jika mereka sebelumnya memikirkan kemungkinan perceraian,

what would have gone differently?

apa yang berbeda?

Well, maybe Deb would have realized a little better

Mungkin Deb bisa menyadari

how much her family and her friends were important to her

seberapa penting dukungan keluarga dan teman-teman baginya

precisely in what she was taking on,

terutama atas keputusannya

which is full-time parenthood.

menjadi orang tua penuh waktu.

Perhaps Emily,

Mungkin Emily,

in weighing the excitement of the new job offer

sewaktu mempertimbangkan tawaran pekerjaan baru

might have also thought about what that would mean for the cost to Deb

juga memikirkan apa yang akan dikorbankan Deb

and what would be owed to Deb

dan menjadi utang Emily pada Deb

as a result of her taking on full-time parenthood.

saat Deb menjadi orang tua penuh waktu.

So, let's go back to Lisa and Andy.

Kembali ke Lisa dan Andy.

Lisa had an inheritance from her grandmother

Lisa mendapat warisan dari neneknya

before the marriage.

sebelum menikah.

And when they got married, they bought a home,

Dan ketika menikah, mereka membeli rumah

and Lisa put that inheritance toward a down payment on that home.

dan Lisa menggunakan warisan tadi sebagai uang muka.

And then Andy of course worked to make the mortgage payments.

Kemudian Andy bekerja untuk melunasi cicilan.

And all of their premarital and marital property

Sehingga harta sebelum dan setelah mereka menikah

became joined.

menjadi bercampur.

That inheritance is now marital property.

Warisan itu sekarang menjadi harta pernikahan.

Sehingga dalam perceraian, apa yang akan terjadi?

So, in a split, what's going to happen?

They're going to have to sell the house and split the proceeds,

Mereka harus menjual rumah dan membagi hasil penjualannya,

or one of them can buy the other out.

atau salah satu dari mereka dapat membeli rumah tersebut.

So this marriage mediator,

Jadi si mediator pernikahan,

if they had talked to them before all of this happened,

jika Lisa dan Andy berbicara padanya sebelum ini terjadi,

that person would have asked,

ia akan bertanya,

"What do you want to keep separate and what do you want to keep together?

"Apa saja yang Anda inginkan untuk menjadi milik sendiri dan milik bersama?"

And how does that choice

Dan bagaimana pilihan tersebut

actually support the security of the marriage?

dapat mendukung keamanan pernikahan?

Because you have to remember

Karena Anda harus ingat

that what's yours, probably, will become ours,

apa yang sebelumnya milik Anda, kemungkinan menjadi milik bersama,

unless you actually are mindful and take steps to do otherwise."

kecuali Anda sadar dan mengambil langkah yang berbeda."

So if they had thought about their split,

Jika mereka memikirkan kemungkinan perceraian,

maybe they would have decided differently,

mungkin mereka akan membuat keputusan yang berbeda.

maybe Lisa would have thought,

mungkin Lisa berpikir,

"Maybe the inheritance can stay separate,"

"Lebih baik warisan tetap terpisah,"

and saved for a day when they might actually need it.

dan menyimpannya hingga saat mereka benar-benar membutuhkannya.

And maybe the mortgage that they took on wouldn't have been as onerous,

Dan mungkin pinjaman yang mereka ambil tak akan terlalu berat,

and maybe Andy wouldn't have had to work so hard to make those payments.

dan mungkin Andy tak perlu bekerja terlalu keras untuk melunasi cicilan.

And maybe he would have become less resentful.

Mungkin dia tak akan memendam amarah.

Maybe they would have lived in a smaller house

Mereka bisa tinggal di rumah yang lebih kecil

and been content to do that.

dan merasa puas.

The point is,

Intinya adalah,

if they had had a divorce-conscious discussion

jika mereka berdiskusi dengan menyadari kemungkinan perceraian

about what to keep separate,

tentang apa yang harus tetap terpisah,

their marriage might have been more connected and more together.

pernikahan mereka mungkin lebih kompak dan menyatu.

Too often in marriage, we make sacrifices,

Dalam pernikahan kita terlalu sering berkorban,

and we demand them,

dan kita menuntut hal itu,

without reckoning their cost.

tanpa mempertimbangkan harga yang harus dibayar.

But there is wisdom in looking at the price tags

Ada hikmah dari melihat harga

attached to our marital decisions

dari setiap keputusan dalam pernikahan

in just the way that divorce law teaches us to do.

seperti yang diajarkan oleh hukum perceraian.

What I want

Yang saya inginkan adalah

is for people to think about their marital bargains

agar setiap orang memikirkan tawar-menawar dalam pernikahan

through the lens of divorce.

dari kacamata perceraian.

And to ask,

Dan bertanya,

"How is marriage a sacrifice,

"Bagaimana jika pernikahan bukan sekedar pengorbanan,

but an exchange of sacrifice?

tetapi timbal balik atas pengorbanan?

How do we think about our exchange?"

Bagaimana kita melihat timbal balik tersebut?"

Second:

Kedua:

"How do we think about childcare

"Bagaimana kita memandang pengasuhan anak

and deal with the fact

dan menerima fakta

that there is no such thing as free childcare?"

bahwa tidak ada pengasuhan anak yang gratis?"

"How do we deal with the fact

"Bagaimana kita menerima fakta

that some things can be separate and some things can be together,

bahwa tak semua hal harus menjadi milik bersama,

and if we don't think about it,

jika kita tak memikirkannya,

then it will all be part of the joint enterprise."

maka semua akan menjadi milik bersama."

So basically,

Pada dasarnya,

what I want to leave you with is that in marriage or divorce,

saya ingin menyampaikan bahwa dalam pernikahan atau perceraian,

people should think about the way

kita harus ingat bahwa

that "till death do us part" marriage

janji "sampai maut memisahkan"

is forever.

berlaku selamanya.

Thank you.

Terima kasih.

(Applause)

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