3 secrets of resilient people | Lucy Hone

Transcriber: Ivana Korom Reviewer: Joanna Pietrulewicz

Translator: Noelia Collazo Boullosa Reviewer: Xosé María Moreno

So I'd like to start, if I may, by asking you some questions.

Empezarei facéndolles unhas preguntas, se lles parece ben.

If you've ever lost someone you truly love,

Se algunha vez perderon a unha persoa moi querida,

ever had your heart broken,

rompéronlles o corazón,

ever struggled through an acrimonious divorce,

atravesaron un agre proceso de divorcio

or been the victim of infidelity,

ou foron vítimas dunha infidelidade,

please stand up.

por favor, érganse.

If standing up isn't accessible to you, you can put your hand up.

Se non poden erguerse, poden erguer a man.

Please, stay standing,

Por favor, queden de pé,

and keep your hand up there.

ou manteñan a man en alto.

If you've ever lived through a natural disaster,

Se algunha vez viviron un desastre natural,

been bullied or been made redundant,

foron acosados ou despedidos,

stand on up.

érganse.

If you've ever had a miscarriage,

Se algunha vez pasaron por un aborto,

if you've ever had an abortion

natural ou non,

or struggled through infertility,

ou tiveron problemas de infertilidade,

please stand up.

por favor, en pé.

Finally, if you, or anyone you love,

Por último, se vostedes ou calquera ser querido

has had to cope with mental illness, dementia,

tivo que lidar con enfermidades mentais, demencia,

some form of physical impairment,

algún tipo de discapacidade física,

or cope with suicide,

ou facerlle fronte ao suicidio,

please stand up.

por favor, érganse.

Look around you.

Miren ao seu redor.

Adversity doesn't discriminate.

A adversidade non discrimina.

If you are alive,

Se están vivos

you are going to have to, or you've already had to,

van ter que soportar, ou xa o fixeron,

deal with some tough times.

momentos realmente duros.

Thank you, everyone, take a seat.

Grazas a todos, poden sentar.

I started studying resilience research a decade ago,

Comecei a estudar a busca da resiliencia hai unha década,

at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.

na universidade de Pensilvania en Filadelfia.

It was an amazing time to be there,

Era o momento perfecto para estar alí,

because the professors who trained me

xa que os profesores que me formaron

had just picked up the contract to train all 1.1 million American soldiers

acababan de comprometerse en formar a 1,1 millóns de soldados americanos

to be as mentally fit as they always have been physically fit.

para que chegasen a estar tan ben mentalmente como o estaban fisicamente.

As you can imagine,

Como poden imaxinar,

you don't get a much more skeptical discerning audience

dubido que exista un público máis escéptico e esixente

than the American drill sergeants returning from Afganistan.

ca os sarxentos instrutores americanos que volvían de Afganistán.

So for someone like me,

Para alguén coma min,

whose main quest in life is trying to work out

cuxa misión principal na vida consiste en descubrir

how we take the best of scientific findings out of academia

como levar o mellor dos descubrimentos científicos máis alá do ámbito académico

and bring them to people in their everyday lives,

e achegarllo á xente e á súa vida diaria,

it was a pretty inspiring place to be.

era un lugar no que estar bastante inspirador.

I finished my studies in America,

Rematei os meus estudos nos Estados Unidos

and I returned home here to Christchurch

e volvín aquí, ao meu fogar, Christchurch

to start my doctoral research.

para comezar a miña investigación doutoral.

I'd just begun that study

Acababa de comezar ese estudo

when the Christchurch earthquakes hit.

cando tiveron lugar os terremotos de Christchurch.

So I put my research on hold,

Así que parei a miña investigación

and I started working with my home community

e comecei traballar coa miña comunidade

to help them through that terrible post-quake period.

para axudarlles a superar o terrible período posterior ao sismo.

I worked with all sorts of organizations

Traballei con todo tipo de organizacións

from government departments to building companies,

dende departamentos gobernamentais ata empresas construtoras,

and all sorts of community groups,

e todo tipo de grupos comunitarios,

teaching them the ways of thinking and acting

amosándolles maneiras de pensar e actuar

that we know boost resilience.

que sabemos que estimulan a resiliencia.

I thought that was my calling.

Pensei que era a miña obriga.

My moment to put all of that research to good use.

O meu momento para darlle un bo uso a toda a miña investigación.

But sadly, I was wrong.

Por desgraza, estaba equivocada.

For my own true test came in 2014

O meu verdadeiro exame chegou en 2014,

on Queen's Birthday weekend.

na fin de semana do Aniversario da Raíña.

We and two other families had decided

Nós e dúas familias máis decidimos

to go down to Lake Ohau and bike the outs to ocean.

ir ao lago Ohau e baixar en bici ata o océano.

At the last minute,

No último momento,

my beautiful 12-year-old daughter Abi

Abi, a miña fermosa filla de 12 anos,

decided to hop in the car with her best friend, Ella, also 12,

decidiu ir no coche coa súa amiga Ella, tamén de 12 anos,

and Ella's mom, Sally, a dear, dear friend of mine.

e coa súa nai, Sally, unha moi boa amiga miña.

On the way down, as they traveled through Rakaia

De camiño, cando cruzaban Rakaia,

on Thompsons Track,

en Thompsons Track,

a car sped through a stop sign,

un coche saltou un sinal de stop,

crashing into them

chocou contra eles

and killing all three of them instantly.

e matounos aos tres instantaneamente.

In the blink of an eye,

No que tarda un pestanexo,

I find myself flung to the other side of the equation,

atopeime arrastrada ao outro lado da ecuación,

waking up with a whole new identity.

espertando cunha identidade totalmente nova.

Instead of being the resilience expert,

En lugar de ser unha experta en resiliencia,

suddenly, I'm the grieving mother.

de súpeto, era unha nai de loito.

Waking up not knowing who I am,

Espertei sen saber quen era,

trying to wrap my head around unthinkable news,

intentando situarme naquel mar de impensables noticias,

my world smashed to smithereens.

o meu mundo esnaquizouse.

Suddenly, I'm the one on the end of all this expert advice.

De súpeto, son a que está máis lonxe deses consellos especializados.

And I can tell you,

E podo dicirlles,

I didn't like what I heard one little bit.

que non me gustaba nin unha chisca o que me dicían.

In the days after Abi died,

Nos días posteriores á morte de Abi,

we were told we were now prime candidates for family estrangement.

dixéronnos que tiñamos todas a papeletas para que a nosa familia se distanciase.

That we were likely to get divorced

Que era moi probable que nos divorciásemos

and we were at high risk of mental illness.

e que tiñamos perigo de contraer unha enfermidade mental.

"Wow," I remember thinking,

"Diantres!", foi o que pensei,

"Thanks for that, I though my life was already pretty shit."

"Grazas polos ánimos, pensaba que a miña vida xa era unha merda."

(Laughter)

(Risas)

Leaflets described the five stages of grief:

Os folletos describían os cinco estados do loito:

anger, bargaining, denial, depression, acceptance.

ira, negociación, negación, depresión e aceptación.

Victim support arrived at our door

O apoio ás vitimas petou na nosa porta

and told us that we could expect to write off the next five years to grief.

e dixéronnos que contásemos con dedicarlle cinco anos ao loito.

I know the leaflets and the resources meant well.

Sei que a intención dos folletos e dos recursos era boa.

But in all of that advice,

Pero todos eses consellos

they left us feeling like victims.

facían que nos sentísemos como vítimas.

Totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead,

Totalmente abatidos polo que se nos viña enriba

and powerless to exert any influence over our grieving whatsoever.

e incapaces de influír en absoluto no noso loito.

I didn't need to be told how bad things were.

Non precisaba que ninguén me dixese que mal ían as cousas.

Believe me, I already knew things were truly terrible.

Créanme, sabía de sobra que as cousas eran realmente horribles.

What I needed most was hope.

O que máis precisaba era esperanza.

I needed a journey through all that anguish,

Precisaba unha viaxe a través de toda esa angustia,

pain and longing.

dor e nostalxia.

Most of all,

Pero sobre todo,

I wanted to be an active participant in my grief process.

quería ser unha participante activa no meu proceso de loito.

So I decided to turn my back on their advice

Así que decidín virarlle as costas a aqueles consellos

and decided instead to conduct something of a self-experiment.

e, no canto diso, decidín levar a cabo unha especie de "autoexperimento".

I'd done the research, I had the tools,

Xa investigara, tiña as ferramentas,

I wanted to know how useful they would be to me now

e quería saber como de útiles me serían nese momento

in the face of such an enormous mountain to climb.

no que tiña fronte a min unha montaña enorme que escalar.

Now, I have to confess at this point,

Agora, chegados a este punto, debo confesar

I didn't really know that any of this was going to work.

que non sabía realmente se algo diso ía funcionar.

Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged

A perda dun fillo ou filla está xeralmente considerada

as the hardest of losses to bear.

como a perda máis difícil de superar.

But I can tell you now, five years on,

Pero agora podo afirmarlles, despois de cinco anos,

what I already knew from the research.

o que xa sabía grazas á investigación.

That you can rise up from adversity,

Que podes loitar contra a adversidade,

that there are strategies that work,

que existen estratexias que funcionan,

that it is utterly possible

que é completamente posible

to make yourself think and act in certain ways

conseguir chegar a pensar e actuar de certas formas

that help you navigate tough times.

que che axuden a guiarte nos momentos difíciles.

There is a monumental body of research on how to do this stuff.

Existe un descomunal conxunto de investigacións sobre como facelo.

Today, I'm just going to share with you three strategies.

Hoxe, só vou compartir con vostedes tres estratexias.

These are my go-to strategies that I relied upon

Estas son as miñas estratexias que seguir, nas que me apoiei

and saved me in my darkest days.

e que me salvaron nos meus días máis escuros.

They're three strategies that underpin all of my work,

Son tres estratexias que formaron a base do meu traballo

and they're pretty readily available to us all,

e que se atopan facilmente ao alcance de todos nós,

anyone can learn them,

calquera pode aprendelas,

you can learn them right here today.

poden aprendelas hoxe aquí mesmo.

So number one,

Empecemos coa primeira.

resilient people get that shit happens.

A xente resiliente comprende que pasan cousas malas.

They know that suffering is part of life.

Comprende que o sufrimento forma parte da vida.

This doesn't mean they actually welcome it in,

Isto non significa que o reciban de boa gana,

they're not actually delusional.

non están tan mal da cabeza.

Just that when the tough times come,

Simplemente que cando chegan os momentos difíciles

they seem to know

parecen ser conscientes

that suffering is part of every human existence.

de que o sufrimiento forma parte da existencia humana.

And knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against

Ser consciente disto, fai que non te sintas discriminado

when the tough times come.

cando veñen os momentos difíciles.

Never once did I find myself thinking,

En ningún momento cheguei a preguntarme:

"Why me?"

"Por que a min?"

In fact, I remember thinking,

De feito, recordo preguntarme:

"Why not me?

"Por que non a min?

Terrible things happen to you,

Pásanche cousas horribles

just like they do everybody else.

como lle pasan a todo o mundo.

That's your life now,

Esta é a túa vida agora,

time to sink or swim."

é o momento de nadar ou afogar."

The real tragedy

A verdadeira traxedia

is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer.

é que a maioría da xente parece descoñecer todo isto.

We seem to live in an age

Vivimos nunha era

where we're entitled to a perfect life,

na que cremos ter dereito a unha vida perfecta,

where shiny, happy photos on Instagram are the norm,

na que as fotos perfectas e felices de Instagram son a norma,

when actually,

cando en realidade,

as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk,

como demostraron ao comezo da charla,

the very opposite is true.

a verdade é todo o contrario.

Number two,

A segunda:

resilient people

á xente resiliente

are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention.

dáselle moi ben escoller prudentemente a que lle dedican a súa atención.

They have a habit of realistically appraising situations,

Adoitan avaliar as situacións dunha maneira moi realista,

and typically, managing to focus on the things that they can change,

e normalmente, conseguen centrarse naquelas cousas que poden cambiar,

and somehow accept the things that they can't.

e dalgún xeito aceptan as que non poden.

This is a vital, learnable skill for resilience.

Esta é unha habilidade vital e que se pode aprender para a resiliencia.

As humans, we are really good

Como seres humanos, dásenos realmente ben

at noticing threats and weaknesses.

percibir ameazas e puntos febles.

We are hardwired for that negative.

Estamos programados para ser negativos.

We're really, really good at noticing them.

Dásenos realmente ben percibir esas cousas.

Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro,

As emocións negativas péganse a nós coma o velcro,

whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.

mentres que as emocións e experiencias positivas rebotan como o teflón.

Being wired in this way is actually really good for us,

Estar programados así é, de feito, bo para nós,

and served us well from an evolutionary perspective.

e resúltanos útil dende unha perspectiva evolutiva.

So imagine for a moment I'm a cavewoman,

Imaxinen por un instante que son unha cavernícola

and I'm coming out of my cave in the morning,

que sae da cova pola mañá

and there's a saber-toothed tiger on one side

e hai un tigre dentes de sabre nun lado

and a beautiful rainbow on the other.

e un precioso arco da vella no outro.

It kind of pays for my survival for me to notice this tiger.

Se quero sobrevivir non me queda outra que decatarme de que ese tigre está aí.

The problem is,

O problema é

we now live in an era where we are constantly bombarded

que vivimos nunha era na que estamos constantemente bombardeados

by threats all day long,

por ameazas todo o día,

and our poor brains treat every single one of those threats

e o noso pobre cerebro trata cada unha desas ameazas

as though they were a tiger.

como se fosen un tigre.

Our threat focus, our stress response,

O noso enfoque cara ás ameazas e a nosa resposta ao estrés,

is permanently dialed up.

están totalmente automatizados.

Resilient people don't diminish the negative,

As persoas resilientes non só reducen o negativo,

but they also have worked out a way

senón que tamén atoparon a maneira

of tuning into the good.

de convertelo en algo positivo.

One day, when doubts were threatening to overwhelm me,

Un día, cando as dúbidas ameazaban con superarme,

I distinctly remember thinking,

recordo pensar claramente:

"No, you do not get to get swallowed up by this.

"Non, non podes permitir que isto te devore.

You have to survive.

Tes que sobrevivir.

You've got so much to live for.

Tes moito polo que vivir.

Choose life, not death.

Escolle a vida, non a morte.

Don't lose what you have

Non perdas o que tes

to what you have lost."

por aquilo que xa perdiches."

In psychology, we call this benefit finding.

En psicoloxía, chámaselle percepción de beneficios.

In my brave new world,

No meu feliz mundo novo

it involved trying to find things to be grateful for.

significaba intentar atopar cousas polas que estar agradecida.

At least our wee girl

Polo menos a nosa pequena

hadn't died of some terrible, long, drawn-out illness.

non morrera dunha horrible e interminable enfermidade.

She died suddenly, instantly,

Morreu de repente, de forma instantánea,

sparing us and her that pain.

aforrándonos a nós e mais a ela esa dor.

We had a huge amount of social support from family and friends

Tivemos moitísima axuda da familia e dos amigos

to help us through.

para poder seguir adiante.

And most of all,

E o máis importante de todo,

we still had two beautiful boys to live for,

seguimos tendo dous nenos fermosos polos que seguir vivindo,

who needed us now,

que nos necesitaban

and deserved to have as normal a life as we could possibly give them.

e merecían ter unha vida todo o normal que lle pudiésemos dar.

Being able to switch the focus of your attention

Ser quen de cambiares o foco da atención

to also include the good

para incluír tamén as cousas boas

has been shown by science to be a really powerful strategy.

está demostrado pola ciencia que é unha estratexia moi potente.

So in 2005, Martin Seligman and colleagues conducted an experiment.

En 2005, Martin Seligman e compañía levaron a cabo un experimento.

And they asked people, all they asked people to do,

O único que lle pediron á xente que fixese

was think of three good things that had happened to them each day.

foi que pensasen en tres cousas boas que lles pasaran ao longo de cada día.

What they found, over the six months course of this study,

O que descubriron, despois de seis meses de estudo,

was that those people showed higher levels of gratitude,

foi que esas persoas mostraban niveis máis altos de gratitude,

higher levels of happiness

niveis máis altos de felicidade

and less depression over the course of the six-month study.

e menos depresión no transcurso dos seis meses de estudo.

When you're going through grief,

Cando atravesas un período de loito

you might need a reminder,

pode que precises un recordatorio

or you might need permission to feel grateful.

ou pode que precises un permiso para sentíreste agradecida.

In our kitchen, we've got a bright pink neon poster

Na nosa cociña, temos un póster rosa brillante de neon

that reminds us to "accept" the good.

que nos recorda que debemos "aceptar" as cousas boas.

In the American army,

No exército estadounidense

they framed it a little bit differently.

abordaban o tema dunha maneira diferente.

They talked to the army about hunting the good stuff.

Dicíanlles que debían perseguir as cousas boas.

Find the language that works for you,

Utilicen as palabras que lles sirvan,

but whatever you do,

pero sexa como for

make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort

fagan un esforzo deliberado e continuo

to tune into what's good in your world.

por sintonizar coas cousas positivas do seu mundo.

Number three,

Terceira estratexia:

resilient people ask themselves,

a xente resiliente faise esta pregunta:

"Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?"

"O que estou facendo estame a axudar ou a prexudicar?"

This is a question that's used a lot in good therapy.

Esta é unha pregunta que se emprega moito en terapia.

And boy, is it powerful.

E abofé que é poderosa.

This was my go-to question

Esta era a pregunta que me facía

in the days after the girls died.

nos días posteriores á morte das nenas.

I would ask it again and again.

Preguntábamo unha e outra vez:

"Should I go to the trial and see the driver?

"Debería ir ao xuízo e ver o condutor?

Would that help me or would it harm me?"

Axudaríame en algo ou prexudicaríame"?

Well, that was a no-brainer for me,

Bueno, para min non había dúbida,

I chose to stay away.

decidín manterme á marxe.

But Trevor, my husband, decided to meet with the driver

Pero Trevor, o meu marido, decidiu quedar co condutor

at a later time.

tempo despois.

Late at night, I'd find myself sometimes poring over old photos of Abi,

De madrugada, atopábame analizando fotos antigas de Abi,

getting more and more upset.

e enfadándome máis e máis cada vez.

I'd ask myself,

Debía preguntarme:

"Really? Is this helping you or is it harming you?

"de verdade? Isto axúdache ou prexudícate?

Put away the photos,

Garda as fotos,

go to bed for the night,

ponte a durmir,

be kind to yourself."

sé amable contigo mesma."

This question can be applied to so many different contexts.

Esta pregunta pódese aplicar a moitísimos contextos.

Is the way I'm thinking and acting helping or harming you,

A maneira na que penso e actúo axúdame ou prexudícame?

in your bid to get that promotion,

Tanto no intento de conseguir ese ascenso,

to pass that exam,

de pasar ese exame,

to recover from a heart attack?

como no de recuperarme dun infarto.

So many different ways.

Serve para moitísimas cousas.

I write a lot about resilience,

Escribo moito sobre resiliencia

and over the years, this one strategy

e ao longo dos anos, esta estratexia

has prompted more positive feedback than any other.

provocou un resultado máis positivo que ningunha outra.

I get scores of letters and emails and things

Recibo un montón de cartas, correos e cousas

from all over the place of people saying

de todas partes en que a xente me explica

what a huge impact it's had on their lives.

o grandísimo impacto que isto tivo nas súas vidas.

Whether it is forgiving family ancient transgressions, arguments

Xa sexa para perdoar antigos errores familiares,

from Christmases past,

discusións de Nadais pasados,

or whether it is just trolling through social media,

ou simplemente non provocar nas redes sociais,

whether it is asking yourself

ou preguntarse a un mesmo

whether you really need that extra glass of wine.

se realmente precisas ese vaso de viño extra.

Asking yourself whether what you're doing, the way you're thinking,

Preguntarse a un mesmo se o que fas, a maneira na que pensas,

the way you're acting

a maneira na que actúas,

is helping or harming you,

che axuda ou te prexudica,

puts you back in the driver's seat.

fai que te sentes de novo no asento do condutor.

It gives you some control over your decision-making.

Proporciónache control sobre as decisións que tomas.

Three strategies.

Tres estratexias.

Pretty simple.

Bastante sinxelas.

They're readily available to us all,

Están facilmente dispoñibles para todos nós,

anytime, anywhere.

en calquera momento e lugar.

They don't require rocket science.

Non hai que ser enxeñeiros aeroespaciais.

Resilience isn't some fixed trait.

A resiliencia non é unha cualidade fixa.

It's not elusive,

Non é evasiva,

that some people have and some people don't.

algo que certa xente ten e certa xente non.

It actually requires very ordinary processes.

En realidade require un proceso moi corrente.

Just the willingness to give them a go.

Tan só a vontade de darlle unha oportunidade.

I think we all have moments in life

Creo que todos pasamos por momentos na vida

where our life path splits

nos que o noso camiño se divide

and the journey we thought we were going down

e o carreiro que pensabamos que iamos seguir

veers off to some terrible direction

desvíase nunha dirección horrible

that we never anticipated,

que non fomos quen de anticipar,

and we certainly didn't want.

e que definitivamente non queriamos.

It happened to me.

Pasoume a min.

It was awful beyond imagining.

Foi máis atroz do imaxinable.

If you ever find yourselves in a situation where you think

Se algunha vez vostedes se atopan nuna situación na que pensan:

"There's no way I'm coming back from this,"

"non hai maneira de que me poida recuperar disto",

I urge you to lean into these strategies

anímoos a que se apoien nestas tres estratexias

and think again.

e o pensen de novo.

I won't pretend

Non finxirei

that thinking this way is easy.

que pensar desta maneira é algo sinxelo.

And it doesn't remove all the pain.

E non elimina toda a dor.

But if I've learned anything over the last five years,

Pero se algo aprendín durante os últimos cinco anos

it is that thinking this way really does help.

é que pensar desta maneira si que axuda.

More than anything,

Máis que ningunha outra cousa.

it has shown me that it is possible

Amosoume que é posible

to live and grieve at the same time.

vivir e sufrir ao mesmo tempo.

And for that, I would be always grateful.

E respecto a iso, sempre estarei agradecida.

Thank you.

Grazas.

(Applause)

(Aplausos)