3 secrets of resilient people | Lucy Hone

Transcriber: Ivana Korom Reviewer: Joanna Pietrulewicz

翻译人员: Bing Wang 校对人员: Yolanda Zhang

So I'd like to start, if I may, by asking you some questions.

如果可以的话， 我想先问大家几个问题，

If you've ever lost someone you truly love,

如果你曾失去过爱人，

ever had your heart broken,

曾经历过心碎，

ever struggled through an acrimonious divorce,

曾经历过一场沸沸扬扬的离婚，

or been the victim of infidelity,

或曾因婚姻里的不忠受伤，

please stand up.

麻烦站起来。

If standing up isn't accessible to you, you can put your hand up.

如果不方便站起来的话可以举手。

Please, stay standing,

麻烦保持站立，

and keep your hand up there.

将手举好。

If you've ever lived through a natural disaster,

如果你曾遭遇自然灾害，

been bullied or been made redundant,

遭受过凌辱或经历过裁员，

stand on up.

请起立。

If you've ever had a miscarriage,

如果你流过产,

if you've ever had an abortion

曾堕过胎，

or struggled through infertility,

或因不孕不育而感到困扰，

please stand up.

请站起来。

Finally, if you, or anyone you love,

最后，如果你，或你爱的人，

has had to cope with mental illness, dementia,

不得不经受精神疾病、痴呆症，

some form of physical impairment,

某种身体残障、

or cope with suicide,

或自杀的困扰，

please stand up.

请站起来。

Look around you.

看看你的周围。

Adversity doesn't discriminate.

逆境从不歧视。

If you are alive,

人只要活着，

you are going to have to, or you've already had to,

就总会经历或已经经历了

deal with some tough times.

一些艰难的时期。

Thank you, everyone, take a seat.

谢谢大家，请就坐。

I started studying resilience research a decade ago,

大概从十几年前开始，

at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.

我就开始在费城的宾夕法尼亚大学 研究心理韧性。

It was an amazing time to be there,

在那里我度过了一段精彩的时光，

because the professors who trained me

因为带我的教授们 当时正好接下了一个项目，

had just picked up the contract to train all 1.1 million American soldiers

要去训练 110 万美国军人，

to be as mentally fit as they always have been physically fit.

使他们在精神上 也能像肉体般强壮。

As you can imagine,

你能想象得到，

you don't get a much more skeptical discerning audience

不会再有比 从阿富汗回来的美军军官

than the American drill sergeants returning from Afganistan.

怀疑心更重的听众了。

So for someone like me,

因此，

whose main quest in life is trying to work out

对于像我这样，

how we take the best of scientific findings out of academia

致力于将学术研究成果应用到日常，

and bring them to people in their everyday lives,

并以此为最重要的使命的人来说，

it was a pretty inspiring place to be.

那是一个很具启发性的地方。

I finished my studies in America,

结束了在美国的学习之后，

and I returned home here to Christchurch

我回到了新西兰，也就是这里， 我的家乡基督城，

to start my doctoral research.

继续我的博士后研究项目。

I'd just begun that study

研究工作刚开始不久，

when the Christchurch earthquakes hit.

基督城就发生了地震 （2011 年新西兰大地震）。

So I put my research on hold,

于是我放下手头上的研究，

and I started working with my home community

与家乡的同伴一起，

to help them through that terrible post-quake period.

努力度过这段糟糕的震后时期。

I worked with all sorts of organizations

我与各类组织都建立了合作，

from government departments to building companies,

从政府部门到建筑公司，

and all sorts of community groups,

及各种社区组织，

teaching them the ways of thinking and acting

教导他们增强心理韧性的

that we know boost resilience.

思维及行为模式。

I thought that was my calling.

我以为这就是我的使命。

My moment to put all of that research to good use.

我终于可以将 这些年的研究付诸实践。

But sadly, I was wrong.

然而，很遗憾，我错了。

For my own true test came in 2014

真正的考验发生在 2014 年

on Queen's Birthday weekend.

女王生日的那个周末。

We and two other families had decided

我们和其他两个家庭决定

to go down to Lake Ohau and bike the outs to ocean.

先开车到奥豪湖， 然后再骑车到海边。

At the last minute,

临行前，

my beautiful 12-year-old daughter Abi

我 12 岁的漂亮女儿艾比

decided to hop in the car with her best friend, Ella, also 12,

决定跟她的同龄好朋友 艾拉坐同一辆车，

and Ella's mom, Sally, a dear, dear friend of mine.

还有艾拉的母亲莎莉， 我非常非常好的朋友。

On the way down, as they traveled through Rakaia

一路往下开着， 正要经过汤普森步道上的

on Thompsons Track,

拉凯阿峡道，

a car sped through a stop sign,

一辆车加速驶过停止标记，

crashing into them

撞向了她们的车，

and killing all three of them instantly.

导致她们三人当场身亡。

In the blink of an eye,

眨眼之间，

I find myself flung to the other side of the equation,

我发现自己不再是之前的自己，

waking up with a whole new identity.

而是以一个新的身份存在。

Instead of being the resilience expert,

我不再是一个心理韧性的专家，

suddenly, I'm the grieving mother.

突然间，我成了一名悲伤的母亲。

Waking up not knowing who I am,

醒来时已经不知道自己是谁，

trying to wrap my head around unthinkable news,

只想着捂住头，不去想，不去管，

my world smashed to smithereens.

我的世界已经崩溃了。

Suddenly, I'm the one on the end of all this expert advice.

突然间，我才是 需要专家意见的那一个。

And I can tell you,

并且可以告诉你们，

I didn't like what I heard one little bit.

我什么意见也不想听。

In the days after Abi died,

艾比死后，

we were told we were now prime candidates for family estrangement.

我们被告知，我们已经成为 家庭疏离的主要受害者。

That we were likely to get divorced

我们很有可能会因此离婚，

and we were at high risk of mental illness.

且很有可能会患上精神疾病。

"Wow," I remember thinking,

“哇，” 我记得当时心想，

"Thanks for that, I though my life was already pretty shit."

“真谢谢了，我以为我的 生活已经够糟糕的了。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Leaflets described the five stages of grief:

我收到的宣传单上 描述了悲痛的五个阶段：

anger, bargaining, denial, depression, acceptance.

愤怒、抗拒、否定、抑郁、接受。

Victim support arrived at our door

受害者资助服务人员 来到我们家门口，

and told us that we could expect to write off the next five years to grief.

让我们做好准备，接下来的五年， 我们可能会在悲痛中度过。

I know the leaflets and the resources meant well.

我明白这些传单还有 资源是为我们好。

But in all of that advice,

然而所有的这些建议

they left us feeling like victims.

只会让我们感觉像是受害者，

Totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead,

让我们对前路感到不知所措，

and powerless to exert any influence over our grieving whatsoever.

无论如何也无力去摆脱 这场悲痛带来的影响。

I didn't need to be told how bad things were.

我不需要别人来提醒我 这一切有多糟糕了。

Believe me, I already knew things were truly terrible.

相信我，我已经知道 事情真的很糟糕。

What I needed most was hope.

但我最需要的是一点希望。

I needed a journey through all that anguish,

我需要一趟旅程 去消化所有的愤怒、

pain and longing.

伤痛及思念。

Most of all,

尤其是，

I wanted to be an active participant in my grief process.

我希望在我经历悲痛的过程中 成为一名积极的参与者。

So I decided to turn my back on their advice

因此，我决定抛开 他们所给的建议，

and decided instead to conduct something of a self-experiment.

而是开始进行一项自我试验。

I'd done the research, I had the tools,

研究我已经做了，工具也有了，

I wanted to know how useful they would be to me now

我想知道的是， 当要攀登一座如此巨大的高山时，

in the face of such an enormous mountain to climb.

它们能多有效。

Now, I have to confess at this point,

现在，我必须承认，

I didn't really know that any of this was going to work.

我并不知道这样做是不是真的有用。

Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged

丧亲之痛已经被广泛认为是

as the hardest of losses to bear.

最无法承受的失去。

But I can tell you now, five years on,

但我现在可以告诉你，五年过后，

what I already knew from the research.

我从研究中收获了什么。

That you can rise up from adversity,

那就是你可以从逆境中站起来，

that there are strategies that work,

有方法可以让你做到。

that it is utterly possible

你完全可以改变自己的

to make yourself think and act in certain ways

思维及行为模式，

that help you navigate tough times.

借此来度过这段艰难的日子。

There is a monumental body of research on how to do this stuff.

关于具体应该如何操作， 已经有了大量的研究。

Today, I'm just going to share with you three strategies.

今天，我会跟你们分享三个方法。

These are my go-to strategies that I relied upon

它们是我手边的锦囊，

and saved me in my darkest days.

在最黑暗的日子拯救了我。

They're three strategies that underpin all of my work,

这三个方法支撑起了我的整个研究，

and they're pretty readily available to us all,

且唾手可得。

anyone can learn them,

谁都可以学会。

you can learn them right here today.

今天，在这里，你们就能学到。

So number one,

那么第一，

resilient people get that shit happens.

坚韧的人明白， 谁都有不走运的一天。

They know that suffering is part of life.

他们明白，苦难是生活的一部分。

This doesn't mean they actually welcome it in,

这并不是说他们想让这些破事发生。

they're not actually delusional.

他们并不真的那么天真。

Just that when the tough times come,

只是当不顺来临时，

they seem to know

他们可以明白

that suffering is part of every human existence.

苦难是人类体验的一部分。

And knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against

明白这一点会让你在遇到逆境时

when the tough times come.

不再觉得上天对你不公。

Never once did I find myself thinking,

我从没想过，

"Why me?"

“为什么偏偏是我？”

In fact, I remember thinking,

事实上，我记得我脑子里想的是，

"Why not me?

“为什么不是我？

Terrible things happen to you,

不顺的事情会发生在你身上，

just like they do everybody else.

就像发生在其他人身上一样。

That's your life now,

现在这是你的人生了，

time to sink or swim."

是时候选择下沉或上游。”

The real tragedy

真正的悲剧是，

is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer.

只有少部分人明白这一点。

We seem to live in an age

我们仿佛生活在这样一个时代——

where we're entitled to a perfect life,

我们的人生必须完美，

where shiny, happy photos on Instagram are the norm,

Instagram 上只会出现 光鲜亮丽的照片，

when actually,

而实际上，

as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk,

就像开场时我们看到的一样，

the very opposite is true.

事实正好相反。

Number two,

第二点，

resilient people

坚韧的人

are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention.

非常善于将他们的注意力 放在恰当的地方。

They have a habit of realistically appraising situations,

他们实事求是，

and typically, managing to focus on the things that they can change,

且将精力集中在可以改变的事情上，

and somehow accept the things that they can't.

同时接受那些不可改变的。

This is a vital, learnable skill for resilience.

对于心理韧性来说， 这是重要且可以学习到的能力。

As humans, we are really good

身为人类，我们非常善于

at noticing threats and weaknesses.

捕捉到威胁和弱点。

We are hardwired for that negative.

我们本能地对消极敏感，

We're really, really good at noticing them.

而且非常非常善于留意到它们。

Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro,

我们常常无法摆脱负面情绪，

whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.

而正能量和积极的体验 则无法靠近我们。

Being wired in this way is actually really good for us,

这种本能其实对我们是有好处的，

and served us well from an evolutionary perspective.

且从进化论的角度来说很合理。

So imagine for a moment I'm a cavewoman,

想象我是一个女原始人，

and I'm coming out of my cave in the morning,

今天早晨我从洞里出来，

and there's a saber-toothed tiger on one side

发现洞口的一侧有一只剑齿虎，

and a beautiful rainbow on the other.

而另一侧则有一道很美的彩虹。

It kind of pays for my survival for me to notice this tiger.

但为了活命， 我不得不关注这只老虎。

The problem is,

问题是，

we now live in an era where we are constantly bombarded

现在我们活在一个

by threats all day long,

终日被威胁轰炸的年代，

and our poor brains treat every single one of those threats

且我们可怜的小脑瓜 不得不把它们每一个

as though they were a tiger.

都看做是一只老虎。

Our threat focus, our stress response,

我们不停地将精力集中在侦测威胁，

is permanently dialed up.

也不停地想方设法来应对。

Resilient people don't diminish the negative,

坚韧的人不会否定这些负面影响，

but they also have worked out a way

只是他们找到了合适的方法

of tuning into the good.

将其转化成积极的能量。

One day, when doubts were threatening to overwhelm me,

有一天，这些疑虑又来搅扰我时，

I distinctly remember thinking,

我清楚地记得当时心想，

"No, you do not get to get swallowed up by this.

“不，你不能陷在这些情绪里。

You have to survive.

要继续生存下去。

You've got so much to live for.

你的人生还有很多希望。

Choose life, not death.

选择生存，而不是死亡。

Don't lose what you have

不要为了一棵树，

to what you have lost."

而失去了整片森林。”

In psychology, we call this benefit finding.

心理学上，我们称之为“创伤修复”。

In my brave new world,

在我的勇敢新世界里，

it involved trying to find things to be grateful for.

这包括了尝试找出值得感恩的事情。

At least our wee girl

起码我们的小女儿

hadn't died of some terrible, long, drawn-out illness.

不是死于某种可怕的， 长期无法治愈的病症。

She died suddenly, instantly,

她去得很快，只是一瞬间的事，

sparing us and her that pain.

省去了对我们还有 她自己的这份折磨。

We had a huge amount of social support from family and friends

亲人和朋友给予了我们 大量的社会支持，

to help us through.

以帮助我们渡过难关。

And most of all,

最重要的是，

we still had two beautiful boys to live for,

我们还有两个可爱的儿子，

who needed us now,

需要我们的照顾，

and deserved to have as normal a life as we could possibly give them.

他们值得拥有正常的生活。

Being able to switch the focus of your attention

转移注意力到

to also include the good

发现美好的事物上

has been shown by science to be a really powerful strategy.

在科学上已被证明 是非常有效的方法。

So in 2005, Martin Seligman and colleagues conducted an experiment.

在 2005 年，马丁·赛里格曼（Martin Seligman） 和同事进行了一个实验。

And they asked people, all they asked people to do,

他们要求实验参与者

was think of three good things that had happened to them each day.

每天想出三件发生在 他们身上的好事。

What they found, over the six months course of this study,

经过六个月的研究，他们发现，

was that those people showed higher levels of gratitude,

参与者更懂得感恩，

higher levels of happiness

更加觉得幸福，

and less depression over the course of the six-month study.

且在这六个月时间里， 抑郁的症状有所缓解。

When you're going through grief,

悲痛过后，

you might need a reminder,

你可能需要一个提醒，

or you might need permission to feel grateful.

或一个感恩的机会。

In our kitchen, we've got a bright pink neon poster

在我们家的厨房挂着 一张亮粉色的霓虹海报，

that reminds us to "accept" the good.

来提醒我们“接受”那些美好。

In the American army,

而在美国军队中，

they framed it a little bit differently.

说法有些许不同。

They talked to the army about hunting the good stuff.

他们鼓励军人去捕获美好的事物。

Find the language that works for you,

找到适合你自己的表达，

but whatever you do,

但不管做些什么，

make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort

记得要有目标， 刻意且持续不断地努力，

to tune into what's good in your world.

转向生命中那些美好的事物。

Number three,

第三点，

resilient people ask themselves,

坚韧的人会问自己，

"Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?"

“现在我做的对我是 有益的还是有害的？”

This is a question that's used a lot in good therapy.

很多有效的治疗里 都会问到这一个问题。

And boy, is it powerful.

多有力量啊！

This was my go-to question

这也是我在女儿死后

in the days after the girls died.

问自己的问题。

I would ask it again and again.

我一次一次地问，

"Should I go to the trial and see the driver?

“是不是应该去参加审判， 看看那个司机？

Would that help me or would it harm me?"

这对我有好处吗？”

Well, that was a no-brainer for me,

对我来说答案很明显，

I chose to stay away.

我选择回避。

But Trevor, my husband, decided to meet with the driver

然而，我的丈夫特雷弗 在过了一段时间后，

at a later time.

决定去见见那个司机。

Late at night, I'd find myself sometimes poring over old photos of Abi,

到了晚上，有时我会翻看艾比的照片，

getting more and more upset.

看着看着便难过了起来。

I'd ask myself,

我便问自己，

"Really? Is this helping you or is it harming you?

“真的吗？这对你有好处吗？

Put away the photos,

把照片放回去，

go to bed for the night,

已经很晚了，到床上去休息，

be kind to yourself."

对自己好一点。”

This question can be applied to so many different contexts.

这个问题适用于各种不同的场合。

Is the way I'm thinking and acting helping or harming you,

当面临升职、

in your bid to get that promotion,

重要的考试、

to pass that exam,

从心脏病发作中康复，

to recover from a heart attack?

我所想所做的对我有没有好处？

So many different ways.

我用了多种不同的方式，

I write a lot about resilience,

写下了大量关于坚韧性的内容，

and over the years, this one strategy

而时间证明，比起其它任何方法，

has prompted more positive feedback than any other.

这个策略能激起更多积极的回应。

I get scores of letters and emails and things

我收到了从世界各地的人们

from all over the place of people saying

寄来的信件及电邮，谈到了

what a huge impact it's had on their lives.

这对他们的生有着多大的影响。

Whether it is forgiving family ancient transgressions, arguments

无论是与去年圣诞节

from Christmases past,

家庭里发生的矛盾和解，

or whether it is just trolling through social media,

还是单纯浏览社交媒体，

whether it is asking yourself

或是在问自己

whether you really need that extra glass of wine.

是不是真的需要借酒消愁？

Asking yourself whether what you're doing, the way you're thinking,

问问自己你的所做所想，

the way you're acting

你的行动方式

is helping or harming you,

是在帮助你还是在害你，

puts you back in the driver's seat.

拿回对事情的主控权。

It gives you some control over your decision-making.

这会让你在做决定时更主动。

Three strategies.

就是这三个秘诀。

Pretty simple.

非常简单。

They're readily available to us all,

唾手可得，

anytime, anywhere.

随时随地都可以实践。

They don't require rocket science.

它们并不复杂。

Resilience isn't some fixed trait.

坚韧性并不是什么特定的品质。

It's not elusive,

它并非遥不可及，

that some people have and some people don't.

任何人都可以拥有。

It actually requires very ordinary processes.

实际上它只需要 一些很简单的步骤，

Just the willingness to give them a go.

和一颗愿意去尝试的心。

I think we all have moments in life

我想我们都会有

where our life path splits

走到人生岔路口的那一刻，

and the journey we thought we were going down

可能接下来的生命旅程

veers off to some terrible direction

会出现可怕的走向，

that we never anticipated,

让我们措手不及，

and we certainly didn't want.

也不是我们想要的。

It happened to me.

这样的事已经在我的身上发生了。

It was awful beyond imagining.

痛苦的程度难以想象。

If you ever find yourselves in a situation where you think

如果你发现自己 身处某种境地，让你觉得

"There's no way I'm coming back from this,"

“我永远不可能走出来”，

I urge you to lean into these strategies

我鼓励你利用这些方法

and think again.

再重新想一想。

I won't pretend

我不会假装

that thinking this way is easy.

这很容易。

And it doesn't remove all the pain.

这么做也并不会让痛苦消失。

But if I've learned anything over the last five years,

但如果要说过去五年内 我学到了什么，

it is that thinking this way really does help.

那就是这么去想的确是有帮助的。

More than anything,

这个方法比 任何其他方法都有效，

it has shown me that it is possible

因为它让我知道，

to live and grieve at the same time.

生活与悲伤是可以共存的。

And for that, I would be always grateful.

我将永远为此而感恩。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）