3 secrets of resilient people | Lucy Hone

Transcriber: Ivana Korom Reviewer: Joanna Pietrulewicz

Prevoditelj: Mirela Ivoš Recezent: Gordan Prakiš

So I'd like to start, if I may, by asking you some questions.

Dakle, počela bih, ako mogu, postavljajući vam nekoliko pitanja.

If you've ever lost someone you truly love,

Ako ste ikada izgubili nekoga koga ste zaista voljeli,

ever had your heart broken,

ako vam je ikada slomljeno srce,

ever struggled through an acrimonious divorce,

ako ste se ikada nosili s teškom rastavom,

or been the victim of infidelity,

ili ste bili žrtva preljuba,

please stand up.

molim vas da ustanete.

If standing up isn't accessible to you, you can put your hand up.

Ako niste u mogućnosti ustati, možete podići ruku.

Please, stay standing,

Molim vas, ostanite stajati

and keep your hand up there.

i ostavite ruku u zraku.

If you've ever lived through a natural disaster,

Ako ste ikada preživjeli prirodnu katastrofu,

been bullied or been made redundant,

bili zlostavljani ili izolirani,

stand on up.

ustanite.

If you've ever had a miscarriage,

Ako ste ikada imali spontani pobačaj,

if you've ever had an abortion

ako ste ikada abortirali

or struggled through infertility,

ili ste se borili s neplodnošću,

please stand up.

molim vas, ustanite.

Finally, if you, or anyone you love,

Konačno, ako ste se vi, ili bilo tko koga volite,

has had to cope with mental illness, dementia,

morali nositi s mentalnom bolešću, demencijom,

some form of physical impairment,

nekim oblikom tjelesnog oštećenja,

or cope with suicide,

ili sa suicidom,

please stand up.

molim vas, ustanite.

Look around you.

Pogledajte oko sebe.

Nesreća ne diskriminira.

Adversity doesn't discriminate.

If you are alive,

Ako ste živi,

you are going to have to, or you've already had to,

morat ćete, ili se već jeste

deal with some tough times.

nosili s nekim teškim razdobljima.

Thank you, everyone, take a seat.

Hvala vam svima, sjednite.

I started studying resilience research a decade ago,

Počela sam proučavati otpornost prije 10 godina

at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.

na Sveučilištu Pennsylvania u Philadelphiji.

It was an amazing time to be there,

Bilo je odlično vrijeme za boraviti ondje

because the professors who trained me

jer su profesori koji su me uvježbavali

had just picked up the contract to train all 1.1 million American soldiers

tada potpisali ugovor da uvježbavaju svih 1,1 milijun američkih vojnika

to be as mentally fit as they always have been physically fit.

kako bi bili mentalno spremni onako kako su uvijek bili fizički spremni.

As you can imagine,

Kao što možete zamisliti,

you don't get a much more skeptical discerning audience

nećete dobiti skeptičniju i pronicljiviju publiku

than the American drill sergeants returning from Afganistan.

od američkih narednika koji su se upravo vratili iz Afganistana.

So for someone like me,

Dakle, za nekoga poput mene,

whose main quest in life is trying to work out

čiji je glavni životni cilj pokušati razraditi

how we take the best of scientific findings out of academia

najbolji način kojim uzeti znanstvene nalaze iz akademije

and bring them to people in their everyday lives,

i pružiti ih ljudima u njihovu svakodnevnom životu,

it was a pretty inspiring place to be.

bilo je to prilično inspirativno mjesto za boraviti.

I finished my studies in America,

Završila sam svoje studije u Americi

and I returned home here to Christchurch

i vratila se kući ovdje u Christchurch

to start my doctoral research.

kako bih započela svoje doktorsko istraživanje.

I'd just begun that study

Upravo sam započela to istraživanje

when the Christchurch earthquakes hit.

kad je Christchurch pogodio potres.

So I put my research on hold,

Tako sam ostavila svoje istraživanje po strani

and I started working with my home community

i počela raditi sa svojom lokalnom zajednicom

to help them through that terrible post-quake period.

kako bih pomogla u tom teškom razdoblju nakon potresa.

I worked with all sorts of organizations

Radila sam sa svakakvim organizacijama,

from government departments to building companies,

od državnih odjela do građevinskih tvrtki,

and all sorts of community groups,

i raznim grupama u zajednici,

teaching them the ways of thinking and acting

učeći ih načinima razmišljanja i ponašanja

that we know boost resilience.

za koje znamo da potiču otpornost.

I thought that was my calling.

Mislila sam kako je to moj poziv.

My moment to put all of that research to good use.

Moj trenutak u kojem ću svo to istraživanje staviti u dobru primjenu.

But sadly, I was wrong.

Ali nažalost, bila sam u krivu.

For my own true test came in 2014

Jer moj je pravi test došao 2014.

on Queen's Birthday weekend.

za rođendanski vikend kraljice.

We and two other families had decided

Mi i još dvije obitelji odlučili smo

to go down to Lake Ohau and bike the outs to ocean.

otići do jezera Ohau i odvesti se biciklima do oceana.

At the last minute,

U zadnjoj minuti,

my beautiful 12-year-old daughter Abi

moja predivna dvanaestogodišnja kćer Abi

decided to hop in the car with her best friend, Ella, also 12,

odlučila je sjesti u auto sa svojom najboljom prijateljicom Ellom, također 12,

and Ella's mom, Sally, a dear, dear friend of mine.

i Ellinom mamom Sally, mojom dragom, dragom prijateljicom.

On the way down, as they traveled through Rakaia

Na putu dolje, dok su putovale Rakaiom

on Thompsons Track,

cestom Thompsons,

a car sped through a stop sign,

auto je proletio kroz znak stop,

crashing into them

zabijajući se u njih

and killing all three of them instantly.

i ubivši ih na mjestu.

In the blink of an eye,

U treptaju oka

I find myself flung to the other side of the equation,

našla sam se bačenom na drugu stranu jednadžbe,

waking up with a whole new identity.

budeći se s potpuno novim identitetom.

Instead of being the resilience expert,

Umjesto da budem stručnjak za otpornost,

suddenly, I'm the grieving mother.

iznenada, ja sam ožalošćena majka.

Waking up not knowing who I am,

Budim se ne znajući tko sam,

trying to wrap my head around unthinkable news,

pokušavam shvatiti nezamislive vijesti

my world smashed to smithereens.

da se moj svijet razbija na komadiće.

Suddenly, I'm the one on the end of all this expert advice.

Iznenada, ja sam ta koja je na kraju svih tih stručnih savjeta.

And I can tell you,

I mogu vam reći,

I didn't like what I heard one little bit.

nije mi se to nimalo sviđalo.

In the days after Abi died,

U danima nakon što je Abi umrla,

we were told we were now prime candidates for family estrangement.

rečeno nam je da smo sada glavni kandidati za obiteljsku otuđenost.

That we were likely to get divorced

Bilo je vjerojatno da ćemo se rastati

and we were at high risk of mental illness.

i bili smo u visokom riziku razvoja mentalne bolesti.

"Wow," I remember thinking,

"Wow", sjećam se da sam mislila,

"Thanks for that, I though my life was already pretty shit."

"Hvala na tome, mislila sam da je moj život ionako dovoljno usran."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Leaflets described the five stages of grief:

Letci su opisivali pet faza žalovanja:

anger, bargaining, denial, depression, acceptance.

ljutnja, cjenjkanje, poricanje, depresija, prihvaćanje.

Victim support arrived at our door

Potpora žrtvama pojavila se na vratima

and told us that we could expect to write off the next five years to grief.

i rekla kako idućih pet godina možemo otpisati na žalovanje.

I know the leaflets and the resources meant well.

Znam da su letci i izvori pomoći imali dobru namjeru.

But in all of that advice,

Ali u svim tim savjetima

they left us feeling like victims.

i dalje smo se osjećali kao žrtve.

Totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead,

Potpuno preplavljeni putovanjem pred nama

and powerless to exert any influence over our grieving whatsoever.

i nemoćni izvršiti bilo kakav utjecaj na svoje žalovanje.

I didn't need to be told how bad things were.

Nije mi trebalo reći kako su loše stvari bile.

Believe me, I already knew things were truly terrible.

Vjerujte mi, već sam znala da su stvari zaista užasne.

What I needed most was hope.

Ono što sam najviše trebala bila je nada.

I needed a journey through all that anguish,

Trebala sam putovanje kroz svu tu muku,

pain and longing.

bol i čežnju.

Most of all,

Više od svega,

I wanted to be an active participant in my grief process.

htjela sam biti aktivni sudionik u svom procesu žalovanja.

So I decided to turn my back on their advice

Stoga sam odlučila okrenuti leđa njihovim savjetima

and decided instead to conduct something of a self-experiment.

i umjesto toga odlučila provesti nešto kao eksperiment na sebi.

I'd done the research, I had the tools,

Napravila sam istraživanja, imala sam alate,

I wanted to know how useful they would be to me now

htjela sam znati koliko će mi koristiti sada

in the face of such an enormous mountain to climb.

dok pokušavam prijeći tako visoku planinu.

Now, I have to confess at this point,

Sada, u ovom dijelu moram priznati da

I didn't really know that any of this was going to work.

nisam zapravo znala hoće li išta od toga uspjeti.

Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged

Gubitak djeteta široko je poznat

as the hardest of losses to bear.

kao najteži gubitak za podnijeti.

But I can tell you now, five years on,

Ali mogu vam reći sada, pet godina kasnije,

what I already knew from the research.

ono što sam već znala iz istraživanja.

That you can rise up from adversity,

Da se možete uzdići iz nedaća,

that there are strategies that work,

da postoje strategije koje funkcioniraju,

that it is utterly possible

da je sasvim moguće

to make yourself think and act in certain ways

navesti sebe da razmišljate i ponašate se na određene načine

that help you navigate tough times.

koji će vam pomoći u snalaženju u teškim vremenima.

There is a monumental body of research on how to do this stuff.

Postoji značajan broj istraživanja o tome kako to napraviti.

Today, I'm just going to share with you three strategies.

Danas, podijelit ću s vama tri strategije.

These are my go-to strategies that I relied upon

To su strategije kojima se okrećem i na koje sam se oslanjala

and saved me in my darkest days.

i koje su me spasile u mojim najtežim danima.

They're three strategies that underpin all of my work,

To su tri strategije na kojima se temelji sav moj rad

and they're pretty readily available to us all,

i koje su lako dostupne svima nama,

anyone can learn them,

svi ih mogu naučiti,

you can learn them right here today.

možete ih naučiti upravo ovdje danas.

So number one,

Pa, pod brojem jedan,

resilient people get that shit happens.

otporni ljudi znaju da se sranja događaju.

They know that suffering is part of life.

Oni znaju da je patnja dio života.

This doesn't mean they actually welcome it in,

To ne znači da je dočekuju širom otvorenih ruku,

they're not actually delusional.

ne žive u zabludi.

Just that when the tough times come,

Samo znači da kad teško vrijeme dođe,

they seem to know

čini se da znaju

that suffering is part of every human existence.

kako je patnja dio postojanja svake osobe.

And knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against

I znanje o tome sprječava vas da se osjećate diskriminirano

when the tough times come.

kad teška vremena dođu.

Never once did I find myself thinking,

Nikad se nisam upitala:

"Why me?"

"Zašto ja?"

In fact, I remember thinking,

Zapravo, sjećam se razmišljanja:

"Why not me?

"Zašto ne ja?

Terrible things happen to you,

Grozne su ti se stvari dogodile,

just like they do everybody else.

baš kao i svima.

That's your life now,

To je tvoj život sada,

time to sink or swim."

vrijeme je da potoneš ili plivaš".

The real tragedy

Prava tragedija je

is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer.

što mnogo nas to više ne zna.

We seem to live in an age

Čini se da živimo u vremenu

where we're entitled to a perfect life,

gdje imamo pravo na savršen život,

where shiny, happy photos on Instagram are the norm,

gdje su sjajni sretni ljudi na Instagramu norma,

when actually,

dok je zapravo,

as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk,

kao što ste svi pokazali na početku moga govora,

the very opposite is true.

upravo suprotno istina.

Number two,

Drugo,

resilient people

otporni ljudi

are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention.

stvarno su dobri u pomnom biranju gdje usmjeravaju svoju pažnju.

They have a habit of realistically appraising situations,

Oni imaju naviku realistično procijeniti situacije,

and typically, managing to focus on the things that they can change,

i obično, uspijevaju se fokusirati na stvari koje mogu promijeniti

and somehow accept the things that they can't.

i nekako prihvatiti stvari koje ne mogu.

This is a vital, learnable skill for resilience.

Ovo je ključna vještina za otpornost koju je moguće naučiti.

As humans, we are really good

Kao ljudi, zaista smo dobri

at noticing threats and weaknesses.

u primjećivanju prijetnji i slabosti.

We are hardwired for that negative.

Umreženi smo za negativno.

Mi smo vrlo, vrlo dobri u njihovu uočavanju.

We're really, really good at noticing them.

Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro,

Neugodne emocije lijepe se na nas kao čičak,

whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.

dok se ugodne emocije i iskustva odbijaju kao teflon.

Being wired in this way is actually really good for us,

To što smo umreženi na takav način zapravo je dobro za nas

and served us well from an evolutionary perspective.

i dobro nam je služilo s evolucijske perspektive.

So imagine for a moment I'm a cavewoman,

Pa zamislite na trenutak da sam špiljska žena

and I'm coming out of my cave in the morning,

i izlazim ujutro iz svoje špilje,

and there's a saber-toothed tiger on one side

sabljozubi tigar je s jedne strane,

and a beautiful rainbow on the other.

a prekrasna duga s druge.

It kind of pays for my survival for me to notice this tiger.

Nekako se isplati primijetiti tigra da bih preživjela.

The problem is,

Problem je što

we now live in an era where we are constantly bombarded

danas živimo u dobu gdje smo konstantno bombardirani

by threats all day long,

prijetnjama cijeli dan

and our poor brains treat every single one of those threats

i naši jadni mozgovi svaku od tih prijetnju tretiraju

as though they were a tiger.

kao da je u pitanju tigar.

Our threat focus, our stress response,

Naš fokus na prijetnju, naš odgovor na stres

is permanently dialed up.

trajno je prisutan.

Resilient people don't diminish the negative,

Otporni ljudi ne umanjuju negativno,

but they also have worked out a way

ali su također smislili način

of tuning into the good.

okretanja dobrome.

One day, when doubts were threatening to overwhelm me,

Jednog dana, kad su sumnje prijetile da će me preplaviti,

I distinctly remember thinking,

jasno se sjećam razmišljanja:

"No, you do not get to get swallowed up by this.

"Sad, ne možeš dopustiti da te ovo proguta!

You have to survive.

Moraš preživjeti!

You've got so much to live for.

Imaš toliko toga za što trebaš živjeti.

Choose life, not death.

Odaberi život, ne smrt.

Don't lose what you have

Nemoj izgubiti ono što imaš

to what you have lost."

zbog onoga što si već izgubila."

In psychology, we call this benefit finding.

U psihologiji, ovo zovemo pronalaženjem koristi.

In my brave new world,

U mojem hrabrom novom svijetu

it involved trying to find things to be grateful for.

to je uključivalo pokušaj pronalaženja stvari zbog kojih mogu biti zahvalna.

At least our wee girl

Barem naša mala djevojčica

hadn't died of some terrible, long, drawn-out illness.

nije umrla od neke grozne, duge, iscrpljujuće bolesti.

She died suddenly, instantly,

Umrla je iznenada, u trenutku,

sparing us and her that pain.

pošteđujući nas i sebe te boli.

We had a huge amount of social support from family and friends

Imali smo ogromnu društvenu podršku obitelji i prijatelja

to help us through.

koji su nam pomogli proći kroz to.

And most of all,

I najviše od svega,

we still had two beautiful boys to live for,

još uvijek smo imali dva prekrasna dječaka za koje trebamo živjeti,

who needed us now,

koji su nas sada trebali

and deserved to have as normal a life as we could possibly give them.

i koji su zaslužili imati najnormalniji život koji smo im mogli pružiti.

Being able to switch the focus of your attention

Moći prebaciti svoju pažnju

to also include the good

da uključi i ono dobro

has been shown by science to be a really powerful strategy.

pokazalo se od strane znanosti kao iznimno jaka strategija.

So in 2005, Martin Seligman and colleagues conducted an experiment.

Dakle, 2005. Martin Seligman i kolege proveli su eksperiment.

And they asked people, all they asked people to do,

I zamolili su ljude, sve što su ih zamolili da naprave

was think of three good things that had happened to them each day.

jest da promisle o tri dobre stvari koje su im se dogodile tog dana.

What they found, over the six months course of this study,

Ono što su otkrili, tijekom šest mjeseci ovog istraživanja,

was that those people showed higher levels of gratitude,

jest da su ti ljudi pokazivali više razine zahvalnosti,

higher levels of happiness

više razine sreće

and less depression over the course of the six-month study.

i manje depresije tijekom šest mjeseci istraživanja.

When you're going through grief,

Kada prolazite kroz žalovanje,

you might need a reminder,

možda vam treba podsjetnik

or you might need permission to feel grateful.

ili vam treba dopuštenje da budete zahvalni.

In our kitchen, we've got a bright pink neon poster

U svojoj kuhinji, mi imamo jarki ružičasti neonski poster

that reminds us to "accept" the good.

da nas podsjeti da ''prihvatimo'' dobro.

In the American army,

U američkoj vojsci

they framed it a little bit differently.

to su malo drugačije uokvirili.

They talked to the army about hunting the good stuff.

Pričali su vojsci o lovu na dobre stvari.

Find the language that works for you,

Pronađite jezik koji funkcionira za vas,

but whatever you do,

ali što god napravite,

make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort

neka to bude namjeran, svjestan, trajan napor

to tune into what's good in your world.

da biste se uključili u ono što je dobro u vašem svijetu.

Number three,

Treće,

resilient people ask themselves,

otporni se ljudi zapitaju:

"Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?"

"Pomaže li mi ovo što radim ili odmaže?"

This is a question that's used a lot in good therapy.

Ovo je pitanje koje se često koristi u dobroj terapiji.

And boy, is it powerful.

I, čovječe, kako je moćno!

This was my go-to question

Ovo je pitanje kojem sam se vraćala

in the days after the girls died.

u danima nakon što su cure umrle.

I would ask it again and again.

Postavljala sam ga iznova i iznova.

"Should I go to the trial and see the driver?

"Trebam li ići na suđenje i vidjeti vozača?

Would that help me or would it harm me?"

Bi li mi to pomoglo ili me povrijedilo?"

Well, that was a no-brainer for me,

Pa, ja o tome nisam morala razmišljati,

I chose to stay away.

odlučila sam držati se podalje.

But Trevor, my husband, decided to meet with the driver

Ali Trevor, moj suprug, odlučio je upoznati vozača

at a later time.

nešto vremena kasnije.

Late at night, I'd find myself sometimes poring over old photos of Abi,

Kasno noću, znala sam se uhvatiti kako gledam stare Abine fotografije

getting more and more upset.

i sve se više uzrujavam.

I'd ask myself,

Upitala bih se:

"Really? Is this helping you or is it harming you?

"Stvarno? Pomaže li ti ovo ili odmaže?

Put away the photos,

Odloži fotografije,

go to bed for the night,

idi u krevet večeras,

be kind to yourself."

budi dobra prema sebi."

This question can be applied to so many different contexts.

Ovo se pitanje može primijeniti u mnogo različitih situacija.

Is the way I'm thinking and acting helping or harming you,

Pomaže li ti način na koji razmišljaš i ponašaš se ili odmaže,

in your bid to get that promotion,

u pokušaju da dobiješ to promaknuće,

to pass that exam,

da položiš taj ispit,

to recover from a heart attack?

da se oporaviš od srčanog udara?

So many different ways.

Toliko različitih načina.

I write a lot about resilience,

Puno pišem o otpornosti

and over the years, this one strategy

i tijekom godina, ta je strategija

has prompted more positive feedback than any other.

dobila više pozitivnih reakcija od ijedne druge.

I get scores of letters and emails and things

Dobivam na desetke pisama, mailova i stvari

from all over the place of people saying

odasvud od ljudi koji govore

what a huge impact it's had on their lives.

kako velik utjecaj je imala na njihove živote.

Whether it is forgiving family ancient transgressions, arguments

Bilo da se radi o obiteljskom opraštanju davnih prijestupa, prepirki

from Christmases past,

s prijašnjih proslava Božića,

or whether it is just trolling through social media,

ili se radi o još jednom zadirkivanju preko društvenih mreža,

whether it is asking yourself

ili se pitate

whether you really need that extra glass of wine.

trebate li popiti još jednu čašu vina.

Asking yourself whether what you're doing, the way you're thinking,

Propitkivanje sebe je li ono što radite, način na koji razmišljate,

the way you're acting

način na koji se ponašate

is helping or harming you,

od pomoći ili vam odmaže,

puts you back in the driver's seat.

stavlja vas ponovno na vozačko mjesto.

It gives you some control over your decision-making.

Daje vam određenu kontrolu nad vlastitim donošenjem odluka.

Three strategies.

Tri strategije.

Pretty simple.

Prilično jednostavne.

They're readily available to us all,

Već su nam svima dostupne,

anytime, anywhere.

bilo kada, bilo gdje.

They don't require rocket science.

Nije to kvantna fizika.

Resilience isn't some fixed trait.

Otpornost nije fiksna osobina.

It's not elusive,

Nije nedostižna

that some people have and some people don't.

tako da je neki imaju, a drugi ne.

It actually requires very ordinary processes.

Zapravo zahtijeva potpuno uobičajene procese.

Just the willingness to give them a go.

Samo volju da ih isprobate.

I think we all have moments in life

Mislim da svi imamo trenutke u životu

where our life path splits

kad se naš životni put podijeli

and the journey we thought we were going down

i put kojim smo mislili da idemo

veers off to some terrible direction

krene u potpuno užasnom smjeru

that we never anticipated,

kojeg nikad nismo ni očekivali

and we certainly didn't want.

i zasigurno nismo željeli.

It happened to me.

To se dogodilo meni.

It was awful beyond imagining.

Bilo je nezamislivo grozno.

If you ever find yourselves in a situation where you think

Ako se ikada nađete u situaciji gdje mislite:

"There's no way I'm coming back from this,"

"Nema šanse da se oporavim od ovoga",

I urge you to lean into these strategies

pozivam vas da se oslonite na ove strategije

and think again.

i promislite još jednom.

I won't pretend

Neću se pretvarati

that thinking this way is easy.

da je ovakvo razmišljanje lako.

And it doesn't remove all the pain.

I ne otklanja svu bol.

But if I've learned anything over the last five years,

Ali ako sam išta naučila tijekom zadnjih pet godina,

it is that thinking this way really does help.

to je da takvo razmišljanje zaista pomaže.

More than anything,

Više no išta,

it has shown me that it is possible

pokazalo mi je da je moguće

to live and grieve at the same time.

živjeti i tugovati u isto vrijeme.

And for that, I would be always grateful.

I na tome ću zauvijek biti zahvalna.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)