3 secrets of resilient people | Lucy Hone

Transcriber: Ivana Korom Reviewer: Joanna Pietrulewicz

譯者: Marssi Draw 審譯者: Bruce Sung

So I'd like to start, if I may, by asking you some questions.

讓我先從問各位幾個問題開始。

If you've ever lost someone you truly love,

你是否曾失去深愛的人、

ever had your heart broken,

曾經心碎、

ever struggled through an acrimonious divorce,

曾因撕破臉的離婚過程而心力交瘁，

or been the victim of infidelity,

或曾是伴侶外遇的受害者，

please stand up.

請起立。

If standing up isn't accessible to you, you can put your hand up.

如果你不方便站，可以舉手。

Please, stay standing,

請繼續站著，

and keep your hand up there.

把手舉著。

If you've ever lived through a natural disaster,

如果你經歷過天災，

been bullied or been made redundant,

或是曾被霸凌、裁員，

stand on up.

請起立。

If you've ever had a miscarriage,

如果你曾流產、

if you've ever had an abortion

墮胎，

or struggled through infertility,

或因為不孕受苦，

please stand up.

請起立。

Finally, if you, or anyone you love,

最後，如果你或是你愛的人，

has had to cope with mental illness, dementia,

曾需面對心理疾病、失智、

some form of physical impairment,

某種肢體障礙，

or cope with suicide,

或自殺，

please stand up.

請起立。

Look around you.

請大家看看四周。

Adversity doesn't discriminate.

逆境不挑人。

If you are alive,

如果你活著，

you are going to have to, or you've already had to,

未來你必然，或是你早就已經

deal with some tough times.

面對一些艱難時刻。

Thank you, everyone, take a seat.

謝謝大家，請坐。

I started studying resilience research a decade ago,

我從十年前開始研究韌性，

at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.

當時我在費城的賓夕法尼亞大學。

It was an amazing time to be there,

在那裡做研究很棒，

because the professors who trained me

因為訓練我的教授

had just picked up the contract to train all 1.1 million American soldiers

才剛簽了一份合約， 要訓練 110 萬名美軍，

to be as mentally fit as they always have been physically fit.

讓他們的心智 就跟他們的身體一樣健康。

As you can imagine,

各位可以想像，

you don't get a much more skeptical discerning audience

說到多疑又有好眼力的聽眾，

than the American drill sergeants returning from Afganistan.

沒有人比得過從阿富汗 返美的教育班長。

So for someone like me,

所以對像我這樣的人，

whose main quest in life is trying to work out

這輩子首要之務是

how we take the best of scientific findings out of academia

把科學中發現的精華帶出學術界，

and bring them to people in their everyday lives,

然後帶進大家的日常生活中，

it was a pretty inspiring place to be.

因此那裡會是非常鼓舞人心的地方。

I finished my studies in America,

我在美國做完研究，

and I returned home here to Christchurch

就回到在基督城這裡的家，

to start my doctoral research.

開始我的博士研究。

I'd just begun that study

我剛開始研究沒多久，

when the Christchurch earthquakes hit.

基督城地震就發生了。

So I put my research on hold,

所以我先把研究放在一邊，

and I started working with my home community

開始在我的社區服務，

to help them through that terrible post-quake period.

幫助他們度過那個可怕的震後期。

I worked with all sorts of organizations

我和各種不同的組織合作，

from government departments to building companies,

從官方部門到建築公司，

and all sorts of community groups,

還有各式各樣的社區組織，

teaching them the ways of thinking and acting

教他們能夠增強韌性的 思考和行動方式，

that we know boost resilience.

I thought that was my calling.

我以為那是我的天命。

My moment to put all of that research to good use.

把我研究毫不保留 拿出來用的好時機。

But sadly, I was wrong.

很遺憾的是我錯了。

For my own true test came in 2014

我自己的考驗是在 2014 年，

on Queen's Birthday weekend.

那個週末是英女皇壽辰假期。

We and two other families had decided

我們和另外兩個家庭決定

to go down to Lake Ohau and bike the outs to ocean.

要去奧豪湖，然後馳騁於 Alps 2 Ocean 自行車道。

At the last minute,

要出發前的最後一刻，

my beautiful 12-year-old daughter Abi

我可愛的 12 歲女兒艾比 決定跳上另一臺車，

decided to hop in the car with her best friend, Ella, also 12,

那臺車上有她最要好的朋友 艾拉，她也 12 歲，

and Ella's mom, Sally, a dear, dear friend of mine.

還有艾拉的媽媽莎莉， 是我非常要好的朋友。

On the way down, as they traveled through Rakaia

他們開在湯普森線道上，

on Thompsons Track,

穿越拉凱阿鎮的時候，

a car sped through a stop sign,

有輛車在該暫停的路口加速通過，

crashing into them

撞上他們那臺車，

and killing all three of them instantly.

他們三人當場死亡。

In the blink of an eye,

一轉眼間，

I find myself flung to the other side of the equation,

我發現我的世界天翻地覆，

waking up with a whole new identity.

一覺醒來已經是完全不同的人。

Instead of being the resilience expert,

我從研究韌性的專家

suddenly, I'm the grieving mother.

突然間變成了悲傷的母親。

Waking up not knowing who I am,

醒來不知道自己是誰，

trying to wrap my head around unthinkable news,

試著理解這難以置信的消息，

my world smashed to smithereens.

我的世界支離破碎。

Suddenly, I'm the one on the end of all this expert advice.

突然間，我是坐在專家對面 聽所有建言的那個人。

And I can tell you,

我可以跟各位說，

I didn't like what I heard one little bit.

他們講的我一點也不喜歡。

In the days after Abi died,

艾比死後那段日子裡，

we were told we were now prime candidates for family estrangement.

我們聽說，我們是 家庭分居的頭號人選。

That we were likely to get divorced

我們有可能會離婚，

and we were at high risk of mental illness.

患有精神疾病的風險很高。

"Wow," I remember thinking,

「哇！」我記得當時心想，

"Thanks for that, I though my life was already pretty shit."

「多謝提供資訊，我以為 我的人生已經夠悲慘了。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Leaflets described the five stages of grief:

傳單上列出悲傷的五個階段：

anger, bargaining, denial, depression, acceptance.

生氣、討價還價、 拒絕、憂鬱、接受。

Victim support arrived at our door

支援受害者的人到我家門前，

and told us that we could expect to write off the next five years to grief.

告訴我們可以預期 未來五年都用來悲傷。

I know the leaflets and the resources meant well.

我知道那些傳單和資源都立意良善。

But in all of that advice,

但所有那些建議

they left us feeling like victims.

都讓我覺得自己是個受害者。

Totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead,

完全無法招架未來的人生旅程，

and powerless to exert any influence over our grieving whatsoever.

無力對我們的悲傷發揮任何影響力。

I didn't need to be told how bad things were.

不必跟我說，情況有多糟。

Believe me, I already knew things were truly terrible.

相信我，我已經知道有多悲慘了。

What I needed most was hope.

我最需要的是希望。

I needed a journey through all that anguish,

我需要一段能夠度過這一切悲傷、

pain and longing.

痛苦和渴望的旅程。

Most of all,

最重要的是，

I wanted to be an active participant in my grief process.

我想成為自己悲傷歷程中的 積極參與者。

So I decided to turn my back on their advice

所以我決定不管他們的建議，

and decided instead to conduct something of a self-experiment.

然後自己進行一個自我實驗。

I'd done the research, I had the tools,

我做過研究，我有工具，

I wanted to know how useful they would be to me now

我想知道這些東西 對現在的我有多少幫助，

in the face of such an enormous mountain to climb.

在我要攀越這座巨山之際。

Now, I have to confess at this point,

現在，我得要坦承，

I didn't really know that any of this was going to work.

我其實之前不知道 這些東西有沒有用。

Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged

喪子之痛是公認

as the hardest of losses to bear.

最難以承受的痛。

But I can tell you now, five years on,

但我可以跟各位說，過了五年，

what I already knew from the research.

我早就從研究裡知道的幾點。

That you can rise up from adversity,

像是你可以從逆境中站起來、

that there are strategies that work,

有些方法很有效、

that it is utterly possible

完全有可能

to make yourself think and act in certain ways

讓自己用某種方式思考和行動，

that help you navigate tough times.

幫助自己度過難關。

There is a monumental body of research on how to do this stuff.

有一大堆研究在講要怎麼做。

Today, I'm just going to share with you three strategies.

今天，我只想和各位分享三個策略。

These are my go-to strategies that I relied upon

這些是我必備的三個策略，

and saved me in my darkest days.

在最黑暗的時刻拯救了我。

They're three strategies that underpin all of my work,

我的所有研究由這三個策略構成，

and they're pretty readily available to us all,

很易讀，也很容易上手，

anyone can learn them,

每個人都可以學，

you can learn them right here today.

各位今天就可以在這裡學。

So number one,

第一，

resilient people get that shit happens.

有韌性的人了解，人生難免有鳥事。

They know that suffering is part of life.

他們知道受苦是人生中的一部分。

This doesn't mean they actually welcome it in,

這不代表他們真的歡迎苦難降臨，

they're not actually delusional.

他們也不是在幻想。

Just that when the tough times come,

只是在碰到難關的時候，

they seem to know

他們似乎知道

that suffering is part of every human existence.

苦難是每個生命存有的一部分。

And knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against

知道這點會讓你碰到難關 不會覺得自己受到差別待遇。

when the tough times come.

Never once did I find myself thinking,

我不只一次心想：

"Why me?"

「為什麼是我？」

In fact, I remember thinking,

其實我記得自己想：

"Why not me?

「為什麼不是我？

Terrible things happen to you,

壞事發生在你身上，

just like they do everybody else.

就像每個人都會碰到壞事一樣。

That's your life now,

現在這是你的人生，

time to sink or swim."

成敗只能靠自己。」

The real tragedy

真正悲哀的是

is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer.

我們似乎大都忘了這點。

We seem to live in an age

我們似乎活在一個時代，

where we're entitled to a perfect life,

人人都被賦予完美人生，

where shiny, happy photos on Instagram are the norm,

社群網站上閃耀、 快樂的照片是常態，

when actually,

但事實上，

as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk,

如同各位在我演說一開始所表達的，

the very opposite is true.

事實完全相反。

Number two,

第二，

resilient people

有韌性的人

are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention.

很擅於小心選擇 他們要把注意力放在哪裡。

They have a habit of realistically appraising situations,

他們習慣根據事實評估情況，

and typically, managing to focus on the things that they can change,

基本上能夠聚焦在 他們可以改變的事情上，

and somehow accept the things that they can't.

然後以某種方式 接受他們無法接受的事。

This is a vital, learnable skill for resilience.

這很重要，也是能夠 習得的韌性技巧。

As humans, we are really good

身而為人，我們很擅於

at noticing threats and weaknesses.

注意威脅和弱點。

We are hardwired for that negative.

我們內建負面思想。

We're really, really good at noticing them.

我們真的非常擅長注意這些事。

Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro,

負面情緒像魔鬼氈黏著我們，

whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.

而正面情緒和經驗似乎 總像鐡氟龍一樣不沾黏。

Being wired in this way is actually really good for us,

有這種內建的線路 其實對我們來說是好的，

and served us well from an evolutionary perspective.

從進化的觀點來說，對我們有利。

So imagine for a moment I'm a cavewoman,

想像一下，我是山頂洞人，

and I'm coming out of my cave in the morning,

我早上走出洞穴，

and there's a saber-toothed tiger on one side

一邊是張牙舞爪的劍齒虎，

and a beautiful rainbow on the other.

另一邊是美麗的彩虹。

It kind of pays for my survival for me to notice this tiger.

我為了存活要付出代價， 就是注意到那隻老虎。

The problem is,

問題是，

we now live in an era where we are constantly bombarded

現在這個時代，

整天都有威脅不斷襲來，

by threats all day long,

and our poor brains treat every single one of those threats

我們可憐的大腦把每個威脅

as though they were a tiger.

都看成是老虎。

Our threat focus, our stress response,

我們的威脅聚焦， 我們對壓力的反應，

is permanently dialed up.

這些都已經長久內建在身體裡。

Resilient people don't diminish the negative,

有韌性的人不會貶低負面的事，

but they also have worked out a way

但他們也發展出一種方式，

of tuning into the good.

去留意週遭的好事。

One day, when doubts were threatening to overwhelm me,

有天我被懷疑的感覺壓得喘不過氣，

I distinctly remember thinking,

我清楚記得自己心想：

"No, you do not get to get swallowed up by this.

「你不必被這種感覺吞噬。

You have to survive.

你要活下來。

You've got so much to live for.

還有很多值得你活下來的事。

Choose life, not death.

選擇活下來，不要死。

Don't lose what you have

不要讓你現在還擁有的

to what you have lost."

也一併失去。」

In psychology, we call this benefit finding.

在心理學中，我們稱此為 尋找正向意義。

In my brave new world,

在我勇敢面對的新世界裡，

it involved trying to find things to be grateful for.

也包括了我要試著找出要感恩的事。

At least our wee girl

至少我們的小女孩

hadn't died of some terrible, long, drawn-out illness.

沒有因為生病長期飽受煎熬而死。

She died suddenly, instantly,

她死得很突然也很快，

sparing us and her that pain.

讓她和我們都少了點痛苦。

We had a huge amount of social support from family and friends

我從親友那邊得到很多的社會支持，

to help us through.

他們幫我們度過難關。

And most of all,

最重要的是，

we still had two beautiful boys to live for,

我們還要為兩個美好的兒子活下來，

who needed us now,

他們現在需要我們，

and deserved to have as normal a life as we could possibly give them.

而且他們值得擁有 我們能夠給予的正常生活。

Being able to switch the focus of your attention

把注意力的焦點轉換到

to also include the good

也接納好的事情，

has been shown by science to be a really powerful strategy.

這點在科學上已證實 是很強大的策略。

So in 2005, Martin Seligman and colleagues conducted an experiment.

馬汀．塞利格曼和他同事 在 2005 年做了一個實驗。

And they asked people, all they asked people to do,

他們給大家任務只有一個，

was think of three good things that had happened to them each day.

就是每天想三件 發生在自己身上的好事。

What they found, over the six months course of this study,

他們在六個月的研究中發現，

was that those people showed higher levels of gratitude,

那些人更感恩、

higher levels of happiness

更快樂，

and less depression over the course of the six-month study.

也更少憂鬱了， 就在這六個月的研究過程中。

When you're going through grief,

你經歷悲痛的時候，

you might need a reminder,

也許需要有人提醒，

or you might need permission to feel grateful.

也許需要得到感到感恩的許可。

In our kitchen, we've got a bright pink neon poster

我們在廚房掛了張亮粉紅色的海報，

that reminds us to "accept" the good.

提醒我們要「接受」好事。

In the American army,

在美國軍隊裡，

they framed it a little bit differently.

他們採取不太一樣的方式。

They talked to the army about hunting the good stuff.

他們告訴軍隊要獵捕好事。

Find the language that works for you,

運用對你有效的語言，

but whatever you do,

不管你怎麼做，

make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort

有意、蓄意、不斷努力，

to tune into what's good in your world.

留意你週遭的好事。

Number three,

第三，

resilient people ask themselves,

有韌性的人會自問：

"Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?"

「我現在做的是幫助自己 還是在害自己？」

This is a question that's used a lot in good therapy.

在好的療程裡常問這個問題。

And boy, is it powerful.

而且這個問題真的很強大。

This was my go-to question

這是我在女兒過世後的 日子裡必問的問題。

in the days after the girls died.

I would ask it again and again.

我會反覆自問。

"Should I go to the trial and see the driver?

「我要去審判現場見那個駕駛嗎？

Would that help me or would it harm me?"

這是在幫我還是害我？」

Well, that was a no-brainer for me,

這問題我不用想就知道，

I chose to stay away.

所以我選擇不去。

But Trevor, my husband, decided to meet with the driver

但我老公崔弗後來 決定去見那位駕駛。

at a later time.

Late at night, I'd find myself sometimes poring over old photos of Abi,

我發現自己有時候會在深夜 翻出所有艾比的老照片，

getting more and more upset.

然後變得更加沮喪。

I'd ask myself,

我自問：

"Really? Is this helping you or is it harming you?

「這樣真的是在幫你嗎？ 還是其實是在害你？

Put away the photos,

把照片收起來，

go to bed for the night,

上床去睡一晚，

be kind to yourself."

對自己仁慈一點。」

This question can be applied to so many different contexts.

這個問題適用在各種不同情境。

Is the way I'm thinking and acting helping or harming you,

我思考和行動的方式 是在幫你還是害你？

in your bid to get that promotion,

能幫你升遷、

to pass that exam,

通過考試，

to recover from a heart attack?

從心臟病發康復嗎？

So many different ways.

很多不同的面向都適用。

I write a lot about resilience,

我寫很多關於韌性的文章，

and over the years, this one strategy

經過這麼多年，這個策略

has prompted more positive feedback than any other.

比其它的引起更多正面回響。

I get scores of letters and emails and things

很多人寫信和電子郵件給我，

from all over the place of people saying

寫信的人來自世界各地，

what a huge impact it's had on their lives.

他們說這個方式帶給 他們的生活很大的幫助。

Whether it is forgiving family ancient transgressions, arguments

不論是要原諒家人過去 在聖誕節犯下的罪過還是衝突，

from Christmases past,

or whether it is just trolling through social media,

還是只是在社群網站上當酸民，

whether it is asking yourself

又或是自問，

whether you really need that extra glass of wine.

是不是真的還要再喝一杯酒。

Asking yourself whether what you're doing, the way you're thinking,

問問你自己，你的行為、想法，

the way you're acting

你做事的方式，

is helping or harming you,

是在幫你還是在害你，

puts you back in the driver's seat.

會讓你重新找回控制感。

It gives you some control over your decision-making.

這個舉動會讓你 有自己做決定的控制感。

Three strategies.

三個策略。

Pretty simple.

非常簡單。

They're readily available to us all,

每個人隨時隨地都可以立即操作。

anytime, anywhere.

They don't require rocket science.

這不是什麼了不起的大學問。

Resilience isn't some fixed trait.

韌性不是無法改變的人格特質。

It's not elusive,

也並非難以捉摸，

that some people have and some people don't.

不是專屬於某些人。

It actually requires very ordinary processes.

擁有韌性需要的 只有非常一般的程序。

Just the willingness to give them a go.

只要你願意嘗試。

I think we all have moments in life

我想我們生命裡都會有些時刻，

where our life path splits

我們的人生道路出現岔路，

and the journey we thought we were going down

我們原以為要前往的旅程

veers off to some terrible direction

偏離朝一個很可怕的方向，

that we never anticipated,

一個出乎意料之外的地方，

and we certainly didn't want.

而且我們根本不想去。

It happened to me.

這樣的事發生在我身上。

It was awful beyond imagining.

悲慘到讓人難以想像。

If you ever find yourselves in a situation where you think

如果你曾經因為碰到某件事而想過：

"There's no way I'm coming back from this,"

「我一定沒辦法安然度過這一關」，

I urge you to lean into these strategies

我大力鼓吹你採取這些策略，

and think again.

然後再想一次。

I won't pretend

我不會謊稱

that thinking this way is easy.

這樣想很簡單。

And it doesn't remove all the pain.

這些方式無法解除所有的痛苦。

But if I've learned anything over the last five years,

但如果我在過去五年有學到什麼，

it is that thinking this way really does help.

那就是這種思維真的有幫助。

More than anything,

比任何事都有幫助，

it has shown me that it is possible

讓我知道

生活和悲傷有可能共存。

to live and grieve at the same time.

And for that, I would be always grateful.

為此，我永遠都心存感激。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）