I grew up in the Westboro Baptist Church. Here's why I left | Megan Phelps-Roper

譯者: Regina Chu 審譯者: SF Huang

I was a blue-eyed, chubby-cheeked five-year-old

那時我是個碧眼豐頰的五歲小孩，

when I joined my family on the picket line for the first time.

第一次跟著家人一起去示威抗議。

My mom made me leave my dolls in the minivan.

我媽媽要我把洋娃娃留在休旅車上。

I'd stand on a street corner in the heavy Kansas humidity,

我站在悶濕的堪薩斯街角，

surrounded by a few dozen relatives,

幾十個親戚圍繞在身邊，

with my tiny fists clutching a sign that I couldn't read yet:

我的拳頭緊握著 一個我還看不懂的示威牌：

"Gays are worthy of death."

「同性戀該死。」

This was the beginning.

那就是開端。

Our protests soon became a daily occurrence

我們的抗議很快就變成日常事件，

and an international phenomenon,

以及國際注目的焦點，

and as a member of Westboro Baptist Church,

身為威斯特布路浸信會的一員，

I became a fixture on picket lines across the country.

我成為到全國示威的固定班底。

The end of my antigay picketing career

我反同性戀的示威生涯，

and life as I knew it,

以及我熟悉的那種生活，

came 20 years later,

在 20 年後結束，

triggered in part by strangers on Twitter

有一部分是因為推特上的陌生人，

who showed me the power of engaging the other.

他們讓我看見與他人互動的力量。

In my home,

在我家，

life was framed as an epic spiritual battle between good and evil.

生活被框架成善惡間的 偉大屬靈爭戰。

The good was my church and its members,

善的是我的教會與教友，

and the evil was everyone else.

惡的則是其他所有人。

My church's antics were such

我的教會古怪的論點是，

that we were constantly at odds with the world,

我們是不屬這世界的，

and that reinforced our otherness on a daily basis.

而那每天都在 加深我們與別人的不同。

"Make a difference between the unclean and the clean,"

「要把潔淨的和不潔淨的 都分別出來。」

the verse says,

經上這麼說，

and so we did.

我們就如此行。

From baseball games to military funerals,

從棒球比賽到國軍葬禮，

we trekked across the country with neon protest signs in hand

我們全國旅行尾隨在後， 舉著閃亮的示威牌，

to tell others exactly how "unclean" they were

告訴別人他們有多「不潔淨」，

and exactly why they were headed for damnation.

以及為什麼他們將被定罪。

This was the focus of our whole lives.

這是我們一生的重點。

This was the only way for me to do good in a world that sits in Satan's lap.

這是我在撒但懷抱的世界中 唯一能做的善事。

And like the rest of my 10 siblings,

就像我其他十位手足，

I believed what I was taught with all my heart,

我由衷相信我所受的教導，

and I pursued Westboro's agenda with a special sort of zeal.

而我也以特別火熱的心 追求威斯特布路的計畫。

In 2009, that zeal brought me to Twitter.

2009 年，這份火熱把我帶到推特。

Initially, the people I encountered on the platform

一開始，我在那個平台上遇到的人

were just as hostile as I expected.

就像我預期般的不友善。

They were the digital version of the screaming hordes

他們就是我從小在示威裡看到的

I'd been seeing at protests since I was a kid.

網路版叫囂者。

But in the midst of that digital brawl,

但是在這片數位世界的吶喊中，

a strange pattern developed.

發展出一個奇特的模式。

Someone would arrive at my profile with the usual rage and scorn,

有人會在我的版上 留下憤怒與蔑視的話，

I would respond with a custom mix of Bible verses, pop culture references

我就會用一段混合著 聖經經文、流行文化

and smiley faces.

及笑臉的文字回應。

They would be understandably confused and caught off guard,

你可以理解他們會覺得 有點糊塗、措手不及，

but then a conversation would ensue.

然後對話就會隨之開展。

And it was civil --

這很文明 ──

full of genuine curiosity on both sides.

兩邊都充滿了純粹的好奇心。

How had the other come to such outrageous conclusions about the world?

另一邊的人怎麼會對這世界 做出這麼怪的結論？

Sometimes the conversation even bled into real life.

有時候對話還會在真實生活上演。

People I'd sparred with on Twitter

在推特上與我爭論互罵的人

would come out to the picket line to see me

會到我的示威地點來看我，

when I protested in their city.

如果我正好在他們的城市裡。

A man named David was one such person.

一位名叫大衛的男士就是其中之一。

He ran a blog called "Jewlicious,"

他有個部落格叫「猶太真妙」，

and after several months of heated but friendly arguments online,

在數個月激烈但友善的網上辯論後，

he came out to see me at a picket in New Orleans.

他跑出來到我在 紐奧良的示威地點看我。

He brought me a Middle Eastern dessert from Jerusalem, where he lives,

他從住的地方耶路撒冷 帶了一種中東點心給我，

and I brought him kosher chocolate

而我帶了一盒符合猶太教規 潔淨認證的巧克力給他，

and held a "God hates Jews" sign.

手上還拿著「神恨猶太人」的標牌。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

There was no confusion about our positions,

我們的立場壁壘分明，

but the line between friend and foe was becoming blurred.

但是彼此之間的 敵友界線卻愈來愈模糊。

We'd started to see each other as human beings,

我們以同而為人的觀點來展開碰面，

and it changed the way we spoke to one another.

這也改變我們彼此交談的態度。

It took time,

這要花點時間，

but eventually these conversations planted seeds of doubt in me.

但最終這些對話 在我的心中種下懷疑的種子。

My friends on Twitter took the time to understand Westboro's doctrines,

我在推特上的朋友花時間 了解威斯特布路的教義，

and in doing so,

也因為這樣，

they were able to find inconsistencies I'd missed my entire life.

他們能找到我一輩子 都沒看到的矛盾點。

Why did we advocate the death penalty for gays

為什麼我們強烈主張 同性戀要判死刑，

when Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?"

耶穌卻說「你們中間誰是沒有罪的， 誰就可以先拿石頭打她」？

How could we claim to love our neighbor

我們怎麼能宣稱我們愛自己的鄰舍，

while at the same time praying for God to destroy them?

卻在同時禱告神摧毀他們？

The truth is that the care shown to me by these strangers on the internet

真相是這些人在網路上 對我顯出的關心，

was itself a contradiction.

本身就是一場矛盾。

It was growing evidence

愈來愈多的證據顯示

that people on the other side were not the demons I'd been led to believe.

另一邊的人並不是 我被教導相信的惡魔。

These realizations were life-altering.

這樣的領悟改變了我的人生。

Once I saw that we were not the ultimate arbiters of divine truth

一旦我看到我們並不是 神聖真理的終極審判者，

but flawed human beings,

而是不完美的人類，

I couldn't pretend otherwise.

我再也不能假裝下去。

I couldn't justify our actions --

我再也無法把我們的行動合理化──

especially our cruel practice of protesting funerals

特別是我們抗議葬禮的殘酷行動，

and celebrating human tragedy.

以及慶祝人類的悲劇。

These shifts in my perspective

這些自身觀點的改變，

contributed to a larger erosion of trust in my church,

大舉侵蝕我對所屬教會的信任，

and eventually it made it impossible for me to stay.

最終讓我無法再待下去。

In spite of overwhelming grief and terror, I left Westboro in 2012.

壟罩在悲傷與害怕之下， 我於 2012 年離開威斯特布路。

In those days just after I left,

剛離開的時候，

the instinct to hide was almost paralyzing.

想要躲起來的本能幾乎要癱瘓我。

I wanted to hide from the judgement of my family,

我想要從家人的批判聲中躲起來，

who I knew would never speak to me again --

我知道他們這一輩子 都不會再跟我說話 ──

people whose thoughts and opinions had meant everything to me.

而他們的想法及意見 對我卻意味著一切。

And I wanted to hide from the world I'd rejected for so long --

我也想從我拒絕已久的 世界中藏起來 ──

people who had no reason at all to give me a second chance

這些人沒有任何道理 要給我第二次機會，

after a lifetime of antagonism.

因我們已經敵對了這麼久。

And yet, unbelievably,

然而，不可置信的是，

they did.

他們給了。

The world had access to my past because it was all over the internet --

這個世界看得到我的過去， 因為網路上記錄了所有──

thousands of tweets and hundreds of interviews,

成千上萬的推文，數以百計的訪談，

everything from local TV news to "The Howard Stern Show" --

從地方電視台到 全國的「霍華史登秀」──

but so many embraced me with open arms anyway.

卻還是有這麼多人張開膀臂擁抱我。

I wrote an apology for the harm I'd caused,

我寫了篇文章為我造成的傷害賠罪，

but I also knew that an apology could never undo any of it.

但是我也知道一篇道歉文 並不能消彌什麼。

All I could do was try to build a new life

我能做的就是試著建立新生活，

and find a way somehow to repair some of the damage.

找個方法彌補過去的傷害。

People had every reason to doubt my sincerity,

他們有理由懷疑我的誠意，

but most of them didn't.

但是大部分的人都沒有懷疑。

And --

而且，

given my history,

考慮到我的歷史，

it was more than I could've hoped for --

這真的超過我所求的 ──

forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt.

饒恕與寧願相信我。

It still amazes me.

這仍然讓我驚訝。

I spent my first year away from home

我離家的第一年

adrift with my younger sister,

和我的妹妹四處流浪，

who had chosen to leave with me.

她選擇跟我一起離開。

We walked into an abyss,

我們走進一個黑暗的深淵，

but we were shocked to find the light and a way forward

但是我們很驚訝地發現 帶領我們前進的光及道路，

in the same communities we'd targeted for so long.

竟然來自我們許久以來 一直攻擊的同一個社群。

David,

大衛，

my "Jewlicious" friend from Twitter,

我在推特上交到的妙猶太朋友，

invited us to spend time among a Jewish community in Los Angeles.

邀請我們待在一個 位於洛杉磯的猶太社區。

We slept on couches in the home of a Hasidic rabbi and his wife

我們睡在一對哈西迪派 猶太拉比夫婦家的沙發上，

and their four kids --

他們有四個小孩 ──

the same rabbi that I'd protested three years earlier

三年前我曾對這位拉比抗議過，

with a sign that said, "Your rabbi is a whore."

我舉牌說「你們的拉比是娼妓！」

We spent long hours talking about theology and Judaism and life

我們花了好長的時間談論 猶太教的神學及生活，

while we washed dishes in their kosher kitchen

同時我們也在他們符合 猶太教義的潔淨廚房洗碗，

and chopped vegetables for dinner.

切菜準備晚餐。

They treated us like family.

他們待我們就像家人。

They held nothing against us,

他們並不責難我們，

and again I was astonished.

我再次感到驚訝。

That period was full of turmoil,

那段時間充滿了混亂，

but one part I've returned to often

但是我常常提到的一點，

is a surprising realization I had during that time --

是在那段期間意外領悟到的一件事：

that it was a relief and a privilege to let go of the harsh judgments

那是一種解脫及恩典，

我再也不用對 幾乎我看到的每一個人，

that instinctively ran through my mind about nearly every person I saw.

直覺地從心中發出嚴厲批判。

I realized that now I needed to learn.

我領悟到我需要學習。

I needed to listen.

我需要傾聽。

This has been at the front of my mind lately,

最近這件事一直在我的心中掛懷，

because I can't help but see in our public discourse

因為我實在不能不看見 在公眾演講中，

so many of the same destructive impulses that ruled my former church.

充斥著太多破壞性的衝動行事， 就像我的前教會一樣。

We celebrate tolerance and diversity more than at any other time in memory,

我們從沒有像現在一樣 如此歌頌著包容心與多樣化，

and still we grow more and more divided.

然而我們卻愈來愈分裂。

We want good things --

我們想要好的東西 ──

justice, equality, freedom, dignity, prosperity --

正義、平等、自由、尊嚴、繁榮──

but the path we've chosen

然而我們選擇的路徑

looks so much like the one I walked away from four years ago.

卻更像我在四年前 所選擇離開的道路。

We've broken the world into us and them,

我們把世界分成我們與他們，

only emerging from our bunkers long enough

只有要對另一個陣營進行 言語的轟炸攻擊時，

to lob rhetorical grenades at the other camp.

才會從自己的地堡中探出身來。

We write off half the country as out-of-touch liberal elites

我們大筆一揮，就把一半的國家寫成 不知民間疾苦的自由派菁英，

or racist misogynist bullies.

或是有種族偏見、厭惡女性的霸凌。

No nuance, no complexity, no humanity.

沒有細分、沒有複雜性、沒有人性。

Even when someone does call for empathy and understanding for the other side,

即使有人喊出對另一方 要有同理心及了解，

the conversation nearly always devolves

對話幾乎都會變成

into a debate about who deserves more empathy.

辯論誰該得到更多同理心。

And just as I learned to do,

就像我學到的，

we routinely refuse to acknowledge the flaws in our positions

我們也一直拒絕承認自己的不完美，

or the merits in our opponent's.

或是敵對方的優點。

Compromise is anathema.

妥協該受咒詛。

We even target people on our own side when they dare to question the party line.

我們甚至攻擊自己人， 因為他們膽敢質問政策路線。

This path has brought us cruel, sniping, deepening polarization,

這條路為我們帶來殘酷、 抨擊，加深兩極化，

and even outbreaks of violence.

甚至暴力相向。

I remember this path.

我還記得這條路。

It will not take us where we want to go.

它不會帶我們達到目的。

What gives me hope is that we can do something about this.

我之所以還懷抱希望， 是因為我們能為之做點什麼。

The good news is that it's simple,

好消息是它很簡單，

and the bad news is that it's hard.

壞消息是它很難。

We have to talk and listen to people we disagree with.

我們必須與意見相左的人 對話及聆聽。

It's hard because we often can't fathom

這很難，因為我們經常無法了解

how the other side came to their positions.

另一邊的人怎麼會有這樣的立場。

It's hard because righteous indignation,

這很難，因為義憤填膺，

that sense of certainty that ours is the right side,

我們的自以為是，

is so seductive.

是如此難以抗拒。

It's hard because it means extending empathy and compassion

這很難，因為這意味著 我們要展示出同理與同情，

to people who show us hostility and contempt.

對象卻是向自己顯現 敵意和蔑視的人。

The impulse to respond in kind is so tempting,

要顯露善意的衝動是如此誘人，

but that isn't who we want to be.

然而我們不想成為那樣的人。

We can resist.

我們可以抗拒。

And I will always be inspired to do so by those people I encountered on Twitter,

在推特上所遇到的人 總是啟發著我這麼做，

apparent enemies who became my beloved friends.

表面上看似敵對的人 卻變成我心愛的朋友。

And in the case of one particularly understanding and generous guy,

有一位特別諒解又很寬大的人，

my husband.

就是我的丈夫。

There was nothing special about the way I responded to him.

我回應他的方式一點都不特別。

What was special was their approach.

特別的是他們對待我的方法。

I thought about it a lot over the past few years

過去幾年我常常在想這件事，

and I found four things they did differently

我發現有四件事他們做得很不一樣，

that made real conversation possible.

讓真正的對話成為可能。

These four steps were small but powerful,

這四個步驟很小，但是很有力，

and I do everything I can to employ them in difficult conversations today.

在現今棘手困難的對談中， 我盡其所能地努力實踐它們。

The first is don't assume bad intent.

第一就是不要假設對方的意圖不好。

My friends on Twitter realized

我在推特上的朋友明白

that even when my words were aggressive and offensive,

即使我的詞語激進、帶著攻擊性，

I sincerely believed I was doing the right thing.

我是真的相信我在做對的事。

Assuming ill motives almost instantly cuts us off

假設動機不良幾乎立即切斷機會

from truly understanding why someone does and believes as they do.

去了解他們為什麼相信自己所為。

We forget that they're a human being

我們忘記了他們也是人，

with a lifetime of experience that shaped their mind,

他們一生的經歷塑造了他們的想法，

and we get stuck on that first wave of anger,

而我們卻卡在自己第一波的憤怒中，

and the conversation has a very hard time ever moving beyond it.

使彼此的對話很難超過這種反應。

But when we assume good or neutral intent,

但是如果我們假設他們的 意圖良善或是中立，

we give our minds a much stronger framework for dialogue.

我們的頭腦就架構出 更適合對話的方式。

The second is ask questions.

第二是要問問題。

When we engage people across ideological divides,

與意識形態相左的人交手時，

asking questions helps us map the disconnect

問問題會幫助我們

between our differing points of view.

把兩方的歧見連起來。

That's important because we can't present effective arguments

這很重要，因為如果我們 不了解對方真正的來意，

if we don't understand where the other side is actually coming from

我們就無法提出有效的論據；

and because it gives them an opportunity to point out flaws in our positions.

而且這也讓他們有機會指出 我們立場的缺陷之處。

But asking questions serves another purpose;

但是問問題還有另一個目的：

it signals to someone that they're being heard.

它告訴對方我們在聽。

When my friends on Twitter stopped accusing

我在推特上的朋友停止控訴

and started asking questions,

並開始問問題後，

I almost automatically mirrored them.

我幾乎自動模仿他們。

Their questions gave me room to speak,

他們的問題讓我有空間說話，

but they also gave me permission to ask them questions

但是他們也允許我對他們問問題，

and to truly hear their responses.

也很認真地聽他們的反應。

It fundamentally changed the dynamic of our conversation.

這從根本改變了我們對話的動態。

The third is stay calm.

第三是保持冷靜。

This takes practice and patience,

這要練習及耐心，

but it's powerful.

但這很有力。

At Westboro, I learned not to care how my manner of speaking affected others.

在威斯特布路，我學會不去在乎 自己的言行對他人的影響。

I thought my rightness justified my rudeness --

我想我的自以為義合理化了無禮──

harsh tones, raised voices, insults, interruptions --

尖刻的語氣、提高的聲量、 侮辱、插嘴 ──

but that strategy is ultimately counterproductive.

但是這種策略最終適得其反。

Dialing up the volume and the snark is natural in stressful situations,

在壓力大的情況下我們很自然 會提高聲量及加重尖酸話語，

but it tends to bring the conversation to an unsatisfactory, explosive end.

但這會使對話以不滿及暴躁結束。

When my husband was still just an anonymous Twitter acquaintance,

當我的丈夫在推特上 還是個匿名的網友時，

our discussions frequently became hard and pointed,

我們的討論經常變的嚴酷尖銳，

but we always refused to escalate.

但是我們總是拒絕升高戰事。

Instead, he would change the subject.

他反而會改變話題。

He would tell a joke or recommend a book

他會說個笑話或推薦一本書，

or gently excuse himself from the conversation.

或是很委婉的找個理由離開對話。

We knew the discussion wasn't over,

我們知道討論還沒結束，

just paused for a time to bring us back to an even keel.

只是暫停一下，讓我們回穩。

People often lament that digital communication makes us less civil,

大家常常悲嘆數位溝通 讓我們變得不文明，

but this is one advantage that online conversations have over in-person ones.

但是這也是網路對話 相較於面對面的好處之一，

We have a buffer of time and space

當我們發現對方提出 令我們沮喪的想法和觀點時，

between us and the people whose ideas we find so frustrating.

我們會有緩衝的時間與空間，

We can use that buffer.

我們可以運用那種緩衝。

Instead of lashing out, we can pause, breathe,

與其破口大罵， 我們可以暫停、喘口氣，

change the subject or walk away,

改變話題或離開，

and then come back to it when we're ready.

然後在我們覺得準備好時回來。

And finally ...

最後 ──

make the argument.

還是要提出論證。

This might seem obvious,

這聽起來理所當然，

but one side effect of having strong beliefs

但是有強烈信念的副作用之一，

is that we sometimes assume

就是我們有時候假設

that the value of our position is or should be obvious and self-evident,

我們所持立場的價值觀， 是或應該是顯而易見、不言而喻，

that we shouldn't have to defend our positions

我們不需要為自己的立場辯護，

because they're so clearly right and good

因為它們是如此地正確與良善，

that if someone doesn't get it, it's their problem --

如果有人不懂，那是他們的問題──

that it's not my job to educate them.

那不是我的職責去教育他們。

But if it were that simple,

但是如果事情有那麼簡單，

we would all see things the same way.

我們早就用同樣的方法看事情了。

As kind as my friends on Twitter were,

就像我在推特上的益友一樣，

if they hadn't actually made their arguments,

如果他們沒有真的提出論據，

it would've been so much harder for me to see the world in a different way.

對我而言用不同的眼光 看世界會更加困難。

We are all a product of our upbringing,

我們都是教養出來的產物，

and our beliefs reflect our experiences.

我們的信念反映了自己的經歷。

We can't expect others to spontaneously change their own minds.

我們不能期望別人能自動改變想法。

If we want change,

如果我們想改變，

we have to make the case for it.

我們必須為之提出解釋。

My friends on Twitter didn't abandon their beliefs or their principles --

我在推特上的朋友 沒有放棄自己的信念或原則 ──

only their scorn.

只有放棄他們的責難。

They channeled their infinitely justifiable offense

他們將自己極其正當的攻擊，

and came to me with pointed questions tempered with kindness and humor.

化作帶著好心及幽默的 尖銳問題來問我。

They approached me as a human being,

他們以人本的角度與我溝通，

and that was more transformative

這樣的改變力量

than two full decades of outrage, disdain and violence.

比整整二十年的憤怒、 鄙視和暴力更大。

I know that some might not have the time or the energy or the patience

我知道有些人可能沒有 時間或精力或耐心

for extensive engagement,

更廣泛地去參與，

but as difficult as it can be,

但是無論多困難，

reaching out to someone we disagree with

與持反對意見的人接觸，

is an option that is available to all of us.

是我們所有人都能做的事。

And I sincerely believe that we can do hard things,

我衷心相信我們能做困難的事，

not just for them but for us and our future.

不只是為了他們， 也為了我們及未來。

Escalating disgust and intractable conflict

加劇厭惡感及棘手的衝突

are not what we want for ourselves,

不是我們想要的，

or our country

也不是我們國家

or our next generation.

或下一代想要的。

My mom said something to me a few weeks before I left Westboro,

在我離開威斯特布路的幾星期前， 媽媽曾對我說過一些事，

when I was desperately hoping

當時我死命盼望

there was a way I could stay with my family.

我還有辦法能留在家裡。

People I have loved with every pulse of my heart

他們是我真心全意摯愛的家人，

since even before I was that chubby-cheeked five-year-old,

在我是那個碧眼豐頰的五歲小孩，

standing on a picket line holding a sign I couldn't read.

拿著我還看不懂的牌子 站著示威前就如此了。

She said, "You're just a human being,

她說：「妳只是個人，

my dear, sweet child."

我可愛的乖孩子。」

She was asking me to be humble --

她要我謙卑 ──

not to question but to trust God and my elders.

不要質問，只要相信神及長老就好。

But to me, she was missing the bigger picture --

但是對我而言，她只是以管窺天──

that we're all just human beings.

她沒看到我們全都只是人。

That we should be guided by that most basic fact,

她沒看到我們應該 受那最基本的事實引導，

and approach one another with generosity and compassion.

用慷慨和同情的態度接觸彼此。

Each one of us contributes to the communities

我們每一個人都對我們構成的社區、

and the cultures and the societies that we make up.

文化及社會有貢獻。

The end of this spiral of rage and blame begins with one person

要終結這急遽上升的憤怒及責難，

要從某個人願意

who refuses to indulge these destructive, seductive impulses.

拒絕沉迷在這充滿破壞性 卻誘人的衝動開始。

We just have to decide that it's going to start with us.

我們只需要決定這要由自己做起。

Thank you.

謝謝！

(Applause)

（掌聲）