The journey through loss and grief | Jason B. Rosenthal

翻译人员: psjmz mz 校对人员: Yolanda Zhang

There are three words that explain why I am here.

可以用三个词来解释 为什么我会在这里。

They are "Amy Krouse Rosenthal."

那就是 “艾米 · 克劳斯 · 罗森塔尔 （Amy Krouse Rosenthal）”。

At the end of Amy's life,

在艾米生命的最后时刻，

hyped up on morphine and home in hospice,

当她还在靠吗啡因支撑着， 并在家里接受了临终关怀的时候，

the "New York Times" published an article she wrote

《纽约时代》在 2017 年 3 月 3 日《现代爱情》专栏中，

for the "Modern Love" column on March 3, 2017.

刊登了她的一篇文章。

It was read worldwide by over five million people.

全球有超过 500 万人 阅读了这个专栏。

The piece was unbearably sad,

这篇文章让人极度悲伤，

ironically funny

却又带着讽刺的趣味，

and brutally honest.

真实得近乎残酷。

While it was certainly about our life together,

虽然这确实是关于我们的共同生活，

the focus of the piece was me.

但这篇文章的焦点却是我。

It was called, "You May Want to Marry My Husband."

它的题目是《你可能想嫁给我丈夫》。

It was a creative play on a personal ad for me.

这是为我个人量身打造的 一则创意广告。

Amy quite literally left an empty space for me to fill

艾米也确实给我留下了一段空白，

with another love story.

等着我用另一段爱情故事填补。

Amy was my wife for half my life.

艾米是我半生的伴侣。

She was my partner in raising three wonderful, now grown children,

我们共同抚育了三个小孩， 现在均已长大成人。

and really, she was my girl, you know?

我们是天造地设的一对，

We had so much in common.

在很多方面都非常相似。

We loved the same art,

我们热爱同样的艺术、

the same documentaries, the same music.

同样的纪录片、同样的音乐。

Music was a huge part of our life together.

音乐是我们共同生活的重要部分。

And we shared the same values.

并且我们有相同的价值观。

We were in love,

我们相亲相爱，

and our love grew stronger up until her last day.

我们的爱情与日俱增， 直到她最后离去。

Amy was a prolific author.

艾米是一位多产的作家。

In addition to two groundbreaking memoirs,

除了两本开创性的回忆录，

she published over 30 children's books.

她还出版了超过 30 本儿童图书。

Posthumously, the book she wrote with our daughter Paris,

在她走后，她和我们女儿 帕丽斯合著的

called "Dear Girl,"

《亲爱的女儿》

reached the number one position on the "New York Times" bestseller list.

斩获了《纽约时报》最佳销量书榜首。

She was a self-described tiny filmmaker.

她自诩为小电影制片人。

She was 5'1" and her films were not that long.

她身高 1 米 55， 但她的电影没有那么长。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Her films exemplified her natural ability to gather people together.

她的电影展示了她与生俱来的能力—— 将人们聚在一起。

She was also a terrific public speaker,

她也是一名出色的公众演说家，

talking with children and adults of all ages

能够与来自全世界不同年龄段的人

all over the world.

自如的交流。

Now, my story of grief is only unique in the sense of it being rather public.

这个悲伤的故事唯一的 独特之处在于，它是公开的。

However, the grieving process itself was not my story alone.

然而，我的故事却不仅仅是关于悼念。

Amy gave me permission to move forward, and I'm so grateful for that.

艾米允许我继续前行， 我对此非常感激。

Now, just a little over a year into my new life,

在开始新生活的大约一年后，

I've learned a few things.

我学到了一些东西。

I'm here to share with you part of the process of moving forward

我想在这里与各位分享

through and with grief.

在悲伤中继续前进的一些片段。

But before I do that, I think it would be important

但在此之前，我认为必须要

to talk a little bit about the end of life,

谈谈生命的终结，

because it forms how I have been emotionally since then.

因为它塑造了我在那之后的感情状态。

Death is such a taboo subject, right?

毕竟，死亡是一个禁忌话题，对吧？

Amy ate her last meal on January 9, 2017.

2017 年 1 月 9 号， 艾米吃完她最后的一顿晚餐。

She somehow lived an additional two months

在那之后，她靠着流食

without solid food.

又坚持了两个月。

Her doctors told us we could do hospice at home

她的医生告诉我们，我们可以

在家或者在医院 进行最后的临终关怀。

or in the hospital.

They did not tell us that Amy would shrink to half her body weight,

但他们没有告诉我们， 艾米的体重会下降一半，

that she would never lay with her husband again,

她再也不能与她的丈夫同床共枕，

and that walking upstairs to our bedroom would soon feel like running a marathon.

而且很快，上楼进入卧室 开始变得像跑了场马拉松一样。

Home hospice does have an aura of being a beautiful environment to die in.

家庭临终关怀能让她 在舒适的环境中离开人世。

How great that you don't have the sounds of machines beeping

没有医疗器械启动、运行

and going on and off all the time,

和关闭的杂音，

no disruptions for mandatory drug administration,

没有强制用药干预的打扰，

home with your family to die.

走之前能有家人相伴，是多么美好。

We did our best to make those weeks as meaningful as we could.

我们竭尽全力， 想让她仅剩的几周生命更有意义。

We talked often about death.

我们常常谈论死亡。

Everybody knows it's going to happen to them, like, for sure,

每个人都知道，人终有一死，

but being able to talk openly about it was liberating.

但能够公开讨论这个话题， 则是一种解脱。

We talked about subjects like parenting.

我们谈论了育儿的话题。

I asked Amy how I could be the best parent possible to our children in her absence.

我问艾米，在她离开后， 我如何才能成为孩子们最好的监护人。

In those conversations, she gave me confidence

在那些谈话中， 她给了我很大的信心，

by stressing what a great relationship I had with each one of them,

强调了我与孩子们的亲密关系，

and that I can do it.

告诉我，我一定能做到。

I know there will be many times

我知道，在未来将会有无数次，

where I wish she and I can make decisions together.

我希望她能和我一起做决定。

We were always so in sync.

我们总是那么合拍。

May I be so audacious as to suggest

请允许我大胆地建议，

that you have these conversations now,

现在就进行这些谈话，

when healthy.

趁着你们还健康。

Please don't wait.

请不要等待。

As part of our hospice experience, we organized groups of visitors.

作为临终关怀的一部分， 我们安排了一些访客。

How brave of Amy to receive them, even as she began her physical decline.

尽管身体每况愈下， 艾米仍勇敢地接待了他们，

We had a Krouse night,

我们和她的父母， 以及三个兄弟姐妹

her parents and three siblings.

度过了一个狂欢之夜。

Friends and family were next.

然后是朋友和家人。

Each told beautiful stories of Amy and of us.

每个人都讲述了 艾米和我们两人的美好故事。

Amy made an immense impact on her loyal friends.

艾米对她的挚友产生了巨大的影响。

But home hospice is not so beautiful for the surviving family members.

但家庭临终关怀对活着的家人来说 并不那么美好。

I want to get a little personal here and tell you that to this date,

在此，我摊点死人的话题， 我想告诉你们，直到今天，

I have memories of those final weeks that haunt me.

我仍然无法忘怀 艾米离世前的最后几周。

I remember walking backwards to the bathroom,

我记得我是倒着进入卫生间，

assisting Amy with each step.

协助艾米一步步走进去。

I felt so strong.

我感到强劲有力。

I'm not such a big guy,

我不是个很高大的人，

but my arms looked and felt so healthy compared to Amy's frail body.

但我的手臂相比艾米脆弱的 身体是如此的健康。

And that body failed in our house.

房间里那虚弱的躯体 再也支撑不下去了。

On March 13 of last year,

在去年 3 月 13 号，

my wife died of ovarian cancer in our bed.

我妻子因卵巢癌逝世。

I carried her lifeless body

我抱着她的遗体

down our stairs,

走下楼梯，

through our dining room

穿过我们的餐厅

and our living room

和起居室，

to a waiting gurney

直到在那里等候着的推床上，

to have her body cremated.

将她送去火化。

I will never get that image out of my head.

我永远无法忘却那个画面。

If you know someone who has been through the hospice experience,

如果你知道有人经历过临终关怀，

acknowledge that.

都会认可这一点。

Just say you heard this guy Jason

只需要说， 你听过这个叫杰森的人说，

talk about how tough it must be to have those memories

怀揣着那些回忆是多么的艰难，

and that you're there if they ever want to talk about it.

并且告诉他们，如果想要 谈论这件事，可以随时找你。

They may not want to talk,

他们可能不想交谈，

but it's nice to connect with someone living each day with those lasting images.

但与那些每天生活在 这些永恒画面中的人交流是件好事。

I know this sounds unbelievable, but I've never been asked that question.

我知道这听起来难以置信， 但我从没被问过这个问题。

Amy's essay caused me to experience grief in a public way.

艾米的文章使我以一种 公开的方式经历了悲伤。

Many of the readers who reached out to me wrote beautiful words of reflection.

许多读者都联系了我， 用优美的文字写下了他们的想法。

The scope of Amy's impact was deeper and richer

艾米的影响范围广泛而深远，

than even us and her family knew.

远超我们和她家人的想象。

Some of the responses I received helped me with the intense grieving process

我收到的一些回复十分幽默，

because of their humor,

帮助我度过了极度悲痛的岁月。

like this email I received from a woman reader

比如，我从一个 读了那篇文章的女读者那儿

who read the article, declaring,

收到了这封邮件，

"I will marry you when you are ready --

“我会嫁给你，当你准备好了——”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"provided you permanently stop drinking.

“只要你保证永远戒酒，

No other conditions.

没其他条件了。

I promise to outlive you.

我保证比你活得长久。

Thank you very much."

谢谢。”

Now, I do like a good tequila, but that really is not my issue.

我的确很喜欢龙舌兰酒， 但那真的算不上一个严重的问题。

Yet how could I say no to that proposal?

然而，我怎么能拒绝这个求婚呢？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I laughed through the tears when I read this note from a family friend:

当我读到这封亲朋的信时， 忍不住笑中带泪：

"I remember Shabbat dinners at your home

“我还记得在你家吃的安息日晚餐，

and Amy teaching me how to make cornbread croutons.

艾米教我做玉米油炸面包丁。

Only Amy could find creativity in croutons."

只有艾米能在面包丁上找到创意。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

On July 27, just a few months after Amy's death,

在 7 月 27 号， 就在艾米去世的几个月后，

my dad died of complications

我父亲死于

related to a decades-long battle with Parkinson's disease.

伴随他数十年的帕金森氏症 所引发的并发症。

I had to wonder: How much can the human condition handle?

我不禁想知道：一个人 能承受多少意外和悲痛？

What makes us capable of dealing with this intense loss

是什么让我们有能力 面对如此悲痛欲绝的失去，

and yet carry on?

却还能继续或下去？

Was this a test?

这是一个测试吗？

Why my family and my amazing children?

为什么偏偏是我的家人 和我可爱的孩子？

Looking for answers, I regret to say, is a lifelong mission,

我只能遗憾地说， 找寻答案是一个终生的任务，

but the key to my being able to persevere

但让我坚持下来的，

is Amy's expressed and very public edict

是艾米要我继续生活下去的

that I must go on.

公开布告。

Throughout this year, I have done just that.

今年以来，我就是这样做的。

I have attempted to step out and seek the joy and the beauty

我尝试走出悲痛， 并寻找据我所知，

that I know this life is capable of providing.

生活所能提供的所有喜悦和美好。

But here's the reality:

但现实却是：

those family gatherings,

那些家庭聚会，

attending weddings and events honoring Amy,

婚礼和致敬艾米的聚会，

as loving as they are,

无论多么美好，

have all been very difficult to endure.

全都让我难以承受。

People say I'm amazing.

人们说我很了不起。

"How do you handle yourself that way during those times?"

“你是怎么那段时间的？”

They say, "You do it with such grace."

他们说：“你处理得如此优雅。”

Well, guess what?

事实呢？

I really am sad a lot of the time.

大多数时间我都感到伤心欲绝。

I often feel like I'm kind of a mess,

我常常感到我的生活一团糟，

and I know these feelings apply to other surviving spouses,

其他在世的配偶、孩子、父母

children, parents

和其他家庭成员

and other family members.

应该也会感同身受。

In Japanese Zen, there is a term "Shoji,"

在日本禅宗中，有一个词叫“Shoji”，

which translates as "birth death."

意思是“新生死亡”。

There is no separation between life and death

生死之间没有阻隔，

other than a thin line that connects the two.

只由一条细线相连。

Birth, or the joyous, wonderful, vital parts of life,

新生，或者是生活中 快乐、美好、重要的部分，

and death, those things we want to get rid of,

还有死亡，或是那些 我们想要摆脱的东西，

are said to be faced equally.

都是平等的。

In this new life that I find myself in,

在我的新生活中，

I am doing my best to embrace this concept as I move forward with grieving.

我正尽自己最大的努力去接受这个概念， 好让我在悲伤中艰难前行。

In the early months following Amy's death, though,

在艾米逝世后的前几个月，

I was sure that the feeling of despair would be ever-present,

我确信那种绝望的感觉会永远存在，

that it would be all-consuming.

它会消耗我全部的精力。

Soon I was fortunate to receive some promising advice.

不久后，我得到了 一些很有远见的建议。

Many members of the losing-a-spouse club

“丧偶俱乐部”的许多成员

reached out to me.

向我伸出援手。

One friend in particular who had also lost her life partner kept repeating,

其中一个同样失去了 人生伴侣的朋友不停地提醒我：

"Jason, you will find joy."

“杰森，你会找到快乐的。”

I didn't even know what she was talking about.

我那时甚至不知道她在说什么。

How was that possible?

这怎么可能？

But because Amy gave me very public permission

但因为艾米公开地允许了我

to also find happiness,

去寻找幸福，

I now have experienced joy from time to time.

我现在不时体验着快乐。

There it was, dancing the night away at an LCD Soundsystem concert,

譬如，在一个 LCD 音响系统音乐会上彻夜跳舞，

traveling with my brother and best friend or with a college buddy on a boys' trip

和我的兄弟以及最好的朋友一起旅行， 或者和大学挚友一同踏上男子汉之旅，

to meet a group of great guys I never met before.

去认识一群从没见过的有趣的伙伴。

From observing that my deck had sun beating down on it on a cold day,

在寒冷中，看到印在甲板上的阳光，

stepping out in it, laying there,

走出去，躺在上面，

the warmth consuming my body.

让温暖融化我的身体。

The joy comes from my three stunning children.

还有我的三个孩子带来的喜悦。

There was my son Justin,

我的孩子贾斯汀，

texting me a picture of himself with an older gentleman

给我发了一张

with a massive, strong forearm and the caption, "I just met Popeye,"

他和一位前臂粗壮有力的 年长绅士的合照，标题写着:

with a huge grin on his face.

“我刚遇到了大力水手。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

There was his brother Miles, walking to the train

他哥哥麦尔斯在大学毕业后

for his first day of work after graduating college,

第一天步行去乘火车上班，

who stopped and looked back at me and asked,

他停下来回头问我，

"What am I forgetting?"

“我有没有忘记什么？”

I assured him right away, "You are 100 percent ready. You got this."

我当即向他保证， “你 100% 准备好了，你行的。”

And my daughter Paris,

还有我的女儿帕丽斯，

walking together through Battersea Park in London,

我们一起在伦敦巴特西公园散步，

the leaves piled high,

身边是高高堆砌的树叶，

the sun glistening in the early morning on our way to yoga.

在我们去练瑜伽的路上， 清晨的阳光灿烂夺目。

I would add that beauty is also there to discover,

我想补充的是，美就在那里， 等待着我们去发现，

and I mean beauty of the wabi-sabi variety

我指的是那种侘寂之美，

but beauty nonetheless.

但仍然是美丽的事物。

On the one hand, when I see something in this category, I want to say,

一方面，当我看到 这一类东西时，我想说，

"Amy, did you see that? Did you hear that?

“艾米，你看到了吗？你听到了吗？

It's too beautiful for you not to share with me."

这太美了，你却没能与我一起分享。”

On the other hand,

另一方面，

I now experience these moments

我现在以一种全新的方式

in an entirely new way.

体验着这些瞬间。

There was the beauty I found in music,

我在音乐中发现了音乐之美，

like the moment in the newest Manchester Orchestra album,

就像最新的曼彻斯特管弦乐队专辑里，

when the song "The Alien"

当歌曲《异形》

seamlessly transitions into "The Sunshine,"

和谐地过渡到《阳光》的那一瞬间，

or the haunting beauty of Luke Sital-Singh's "Killing Me,"

或是卢克·西塔尔·辛格（Luke Sital-Singh）的 《杀死我》那萦绕心头的美，

whose chorus reads,

他们合唱道，

"And it's killing me that you're not here with me.

“你不在我身边，让我痛不欲生。

I'm living happily, but I'm feeling guilty."

我过得很幸福，但却愧疚不已。”

There is beauty in the simple moments that life has to offer,

这种美丽就在 生活所提供的简单瞬间中，

a way of seeing that world that was so much a part of Amy's DNA,

以这种看世界的方式， 是艾米 DNA 中的一部分，

like on my morning commute,

就像我早上上班的时候，

looking at the sun reflecting off of Lake Michigan,

欣赏密歇根湖反射的阳光；

or stopping and truly seeing how the light shines

或是停下来，认真观察光线

at different times of the day

在一天的不同时间

in the house we built together;

是如何照射到 我们共同建造的房子里的；

even after a Chicago storm, noticing the fresh buildup of snow

即使在芝加哥的暴风雪后， 我也会留意堆满整个社区的

throughout the neighborhood;

新的积雪；

or peeking into my daughter's room

或者当女儿练习贝斯的时候，

as she's practicing the bass guitar.

偷瞄她的房间。

Listen, I want to make it clear that I'm a very fortunate person.

别误会，我想说的是， 我是个非常幸运的人。

I have the most amazing family that loves and supports me.

我有这么棒的家人，爱我、支持我。

I have the resources for personal growth during my time of grief.

在我悲伤的时候， 还有资源能让我继续个人成长。

But whether it's a divorce,

但不管是离婚，

losing a job you worked so hard at

失去你竭尽全力的工作，

or having a family member die suddenly

或者有家人突然

or of a slow-moving and painful death,

或缓慢痛苦地去世时，

I would like to offer you

我都想给予你们

what I was given:

我所得到的：

a blank of sheet of paper.

一张白纸。

What will you do with your intentional empty space,

你会如何处理你的专属留白空间，

with your fresh start?

如何全新开始？

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（鼓掌）