The journey through loss and grief | Jason B. Rosenthal

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Yanyan Hong

There are three words that explain why I am here.

用九個字可以解釋 為什麼我會在這裡。

They are "Amy Krouse Rosenthal."

「艾米．克魯塞．羅森塔爾」。

At the end of Amy's life,

艾米的生命走到終點時，

hyped up on morphine and home in hospice,

她因為嗎啡而興奮， 在家中安寧療護，

the "New York Times" published an article she wrote

《紐約時報》刊出了一篇她寫的文章，

for the "Modern Love" column on March 3, 2017.

刊在 2017 年 3 月 3 日的 《摩登情愛》專欄。

It was read worldwide by over five million people.

全世界有超過五百萬人讀這個專欄。

The piece was unbearably sad,

這篇文章讓人悲傷到無法自己，

ironically funny

卻又帶著諷刺的趣味，

and brutally honest.

和殘酷的誠實。

While it was certainly about our life together,

雖然這篇文章絕對是 在寫我們一起的生活，

the focus of the piece was me.

但焦點是在我身上。

It was called, "You May Want to Marry My Husband."

文章主題叫做 「你可能會想要嫁給我先生」。

It was a creative play on a personal ad for me.

那是個為我做的個人廣告，很有創意。

Amy quite literally left an empty space for me to fill

艾米真的留了一個空間給我，

讓我填入另一個愛情故事。

with another love story.

Amy was my wife for half my life.

我的人生有一半的時間， 艾米都是我的太太。

She was my partner in raising three wonderful, now grown children,

我們一起養大了三個美好的孩子， 他們現在都已長大，

and really, she was my girl, you know?

而且，說真的，她是我的女孩。

We had so much in common.

我們有好多共同點。

We loved the same art,

我們愛同樣的藝術、

the same documentaries, the same music.

同樣的紀錄片、同樣的音樂。

Music was a huge part of our life together.

在我們一起的生活中， 音樂佔了很大一部分。

And we shared the same values.

我們還有相同的價值觀。

We were in love,

我們愛著彼此，

and our love grew stronger up until her last day.

我們的愛不斷成長茁壯， 直到她的最後一天。

Amy was a prolific author.

艾米是位多產的作家。

In addition to two groundbreaking memoirs,

除了兩本開創性的自傳之外，

she published over 30 children's books.

她還出版了超過三十本童書。

Posthumously, the book she wrote with our daughter Paris,

在她過世後，她和我們的女兒 帕里絲一起寫的書

called "Dear Girl,"

《親愛的女孩》，

reached the number one position on the "New York Times" bestseller list.

爬到《紐約時報》 暢銷書排行榜的第一名。

She was a self-described tiny filmmaker.

她自稱是位小電影工作者。

She was 5'1" and her films were not that long.

她只有五呎一吋， 且她的電影也沒那麼長。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Her films exemplified her natural ability to gather people together.

她的電影就是很好的例子， 呈現她天生善於把人聚集在一起能力。

She was also a terrific public speaker,

她也是位很出色的公開演說家，

talking with children and adults of all ages

演說對象包括兒童 及各種年齡的成人，

all over the world.

且到世界各地演說。

Now, my story of grief is only unique in the sense of it being rather public.

只有一點讓我的悲慟故事很獨特， 那點就是：它是公開的。

However, the grieving process itself was not my story alone.

然而，我的故事不只是哀悼的過程。

Amy gave me permission to move forward, and I'm so grateful for that.

艾米允許我向前走下去， 我對此心懷感激。

Now, just a little over a year into my new life,

進入我的新生活大約一年多之後，

I've learned a few things.

我學到了幾件事。

I'm here to share with you part of the process of moving forward

我來這裡和各位分享的， 是我帶著悲慟

through and with grief.

向前穿過悲慟的過程。

But before I do that, I think it would be important

但在我分享之前，我認為必須要

to talk a little bit about the end of life,

稍微談談臨終，

because it forms how I have been emotionally since then.

因為它造成了我之後情緒上的狀況。

Death is such a taboo subject, right?

死亡是個禁忌的話題，對吧？

Amy ate her last meal on January 9, 2017.

艾米在 2017 年 1 月 9 日 吃完了她的最後一餐。

She somehow lived an additional two months

不知怎麼，她又多活了兩個月，

without solid food.

沒有吃固態食物。

Her doctors told us we could do hospice at home

她的醫生告訴我們， 我們能讓她在家做臨終安寧，

or in the hospital.

或在醫院也可以。

They did not tell us that Amy would shrink to half her body weight,

他們沒有告訴我們， 艾米的體重只剩下一半，

that she would never lay with her husband again,

且她永遠無法再和 她的丈夫同床共眠，

and that walking upstairs to our bedroom would soon feel like running a marathon.

且走上樓到我們的臥房 很快就變得像跑馬拉松一樣。

Home hospice does have an aura of being a beautiful environment to die in.

在家安寧，能讓她 在美麗的環境中離開人世。

How great that you don't have the sounds of machines beeping

身邊沒有機器一直嗶嗶叫、

and going on and off all the time,

開開關關，這樣有多好？

no disruptions for mandatory drug administration,

也不用因為強制用藥而被打斷，

home with your family to die.

能在家裡離開人世， 有家人陪伴在身邊。

We did our best to make those weeks as meaningful as we could.

我們盡力而為，

讓最後這幾個星期變得更有意義。

We talked often about death.

我們常常會談死亡。

Everybody knows it's going to happen to them, like, for sure,

大家都知道，每個人都一定會死，

but being able to talk openly about it was liberating.

但能開放地談它， 讓人覺得很解放。

We talked about subjects like parenting.

我們談的主題包括教養子女。

I asked Amy how I could be the best parent possible to our children in her absence.

我問艾米，當她不在了以後， 我要如何為孩子們扮演最好的爸爸？

In those conversations, she gave me confidence

在那些對談中，她給我信心，

by stressing what a great relationship I had with each one of them,

強調我和我們的每個孩子 都有很棒的關係，

and that I can do it.

強調我能做到。

I know there will be many times

我知道將來會有許多時刻，

where I wish she and I can make decisions together.

我會希望她能和我一起做決定。

We were always so in sync.

我們過去總是同頻的。

May I be so audacious as to suggest

我能不能大膽地建議各位

that you have these conversations now,

現在就進行這些談話，

when healthy.

趁還健康時。

Please don't wait.

請不要等。

As part of our hospice experience, we organized groups of visitors.

在我們的安寧過程中， 我們安排了訪客群。

How brave of Amy to receive them, even as she began her physical decline.

艾米十分勇敢地接待他們， 即使她的身體狀況已經越來越糟。

We had a Krouse night,

我們有個克魯塞之夜，

her parents and three siblings.

先和她的父母及三個手足。

Friends and family were next.

接下來是朋友和家人。

Each told beautiful stories of Amy and of us.

每次都訴說了關於艾米 和關於我們的美好故事。

Amy made an immense impact on her loyal friends.

艾米對她忠誠的朋友 造成了很大的影響。

But home hospice is not so beautiful for the surviving family members.

但對於留下來的家人而言， 居家安寧並沒有那麼美好。

I want to get a little personal here and tell you that to this date,

在此我想跟各位說比較 個人化的事，那就是，至今，

I have memories of those final weeks that haunt me.

最後這幾週的記憶仍然揮之不去。

I remember walking backwards to the bathroom,

我還記得我倒退著走進廁所，

assisting Amy with each step.

協助艾米踏出每一步。

I felt so strong.

我感到很強壯。

I'm not such a big guy,

我的個頭不高大，

but my arms looked and felt so healthy compared to Amy's frail body.

但和艾米虛弱的身體相比， 我的手臂看起來且感覺起來好健康。

And that body failed in our house.

那虛弱的身體， 在我們的家中衰竭了。

On March 13 of last year,

去年 3 月 13 日，

my wife died of ovarian cancer in our bed.

我太太因為卵巢癌， 在我們的床上過世。

I carried her lifeless body

我扛著她沒有生命的身體，

down our stairs,

走下我們的樓梯，

through our dining room

穿過我們的餐廳

and our living room

和我們的客廳，

to a waiting gurney

到在那等候著的推床上，

to have her body cremated.

將她的屍體火化。

I will never get that image out of my head.

我腦中永遠會留有這個影像。

If you know someone who has been through the hospice experience,

如果你認識一個 曾經經歷過臨終安寧的人，

acknowledge that.

請認可他。

Just say you heard this guy Jason

就說，你聽過這個叫傑森的傢伙，

talk about how tough it must be to have those memories

談過留著那些記憶是多麼艱難的事，

and that you're there if they ever want to talk about it.

如果他們想要找人談談， 可以隨時找你。

They may not want to talk,

他們可能不會想談，

but it's nice to connect with someone living each day with those lasting images.

但能夠和每天都帶著那些持久記憶 過日子的人有所連結，是很好的。

I know this sounds unbelievable, but I've never been asked that question.

我知道這聽起來難以置信， 但從來沒有人問過我那個問題。

Amy's essay caused me to experience grief in a public way.

艾米的文章讓我 以公開的方式經驗這段悲慟。

Many of the readers who reached out to me wrote beautiful words of reflection.

有許多讀者向我伸出手， 他們用美麗的文字寫下他們的想法。

The scope of Amy's impact was deeper and richer

艾米的影響力， 比我們和她的家人所知道的

than even us and her family knew.

還要更深、更豐富。

Some of the responses I received helped me with the intense grieving process

我收到的一些回覆， 協助我度過這段強烈的哀悼過程，

because of their humor,

因為他們的幽默，

like this email I received from a woman reader

就像我收到一位女性讀者的郵件，

who read the article, declaring,

她讀了那篇文章，宣稱：

"I will marry you when you are ready --

「當你準備好之後，我會嫁給你──」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"provided you permanently stop drinking.

「前提是你要永遠停止飲酒。

No other conditions.

沒有其他條件。

I promise to outlive you.

我保證會活得比你久。

Thank you very much."

非常謝謝你。」

Now, I do like a good tequila, but that really is not my issue.

我確實很喜歡好喝的龍舌蘭酒， 但我並沒有酗酒問題。

Yet how could I say no to that proposal?

但我要如何對那樣的求婚說不？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I laughed through the tears when I read this note from a family friend:

當我讀到這段我們家人的朋友 寫的文字時，我是笑中帶淚的：

"I remember Shabbat dinners at your home

「我還記得在你們家吃的安息日晚餐，

and Amy teaching me how to make cornbread croutons.

艾米教我如何做玉米油炸麵包丁。

Only Amy could find creativity in croutons."

只有艾米能夠在 油炸麵包丁中找到創意。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

On July 27, just a few months after Amy's death,

7 月 27 日，艾米過世後幾個月，

my dad died of complications

我長期在和帕金森氏症對抗的父親，

related to a decades-long battle with Parkinson's disease.

也因為併發症而過世了。

I had to wonder: How much can the human condition handle?

我不得不納悶， 一個人能夠承受多少？

What makes us capable of dealing with this intense loss

是什麼讓我們有辦法處理 這麼強烈的失去，

and yet carry on?

且還能走下去？

Was this a test?

這是個試煉嗎？

Why my family and my amazing children?

為什麼選上我的家人 和我那麼棒的孩子？

Looking for answers, I regret to say, is a lifelong mission,

很遺憾，我得要說， 尋找這個答案是一生的任務。

but the key to my being able to persevere

但讓我能堅持下去的關鍵，

is Amy's expressed and very public edict

是艾米非常公開的公告，

that I must go on.

要我一定要走下去。

Throughout this year, I have done just that.

今年，我就是在做這件事。

I have attempted to step out and seek the joy and the beauty

我嘗試著踏出去， 尋求我知道這個人生

that I know this life is capable of providing.

能夠提供的喜悅和美麗。

But here's the reality:

但現實卻是：

those family gatherings,

那些家庭聚會、

attending weddings and events honoring Amy,

出席婚禮，以及追思艾米的活動，

as loving as they are,

雖然都充滿了愛，

have all been very difficult to endure.

但對我來說都好難承受。

People say I'm amazing.

大家都說我很了不起。

"How do you handle yourself that way during those times?"

「你如何能用那樣的方式 來面對那些時刻？」

They say, "You do it with such grace."

他們說：「你表現得非常優雅。」

Well, guess what?

你猜怎樣？

I really am sad a lot of the time.

大部分的時候，我其實很傷心。

I often feel like I'm kind of a mess,

我常覺得我自己一團糟，

and I know these feelings apply to other surviving spouses,

我知道其他留下的遺眷 也都會有那些感受，

children, parents

配偶、孩子、父母，

and other family members.

及其他家屬都會。

In Japanese Zen, there is a term "Shoji,"

在日本的禪道中， 有個詞叫「shoji」，

which translates as "birth death."

翻譯為「生死」。

There is no separation between life and death

生與死之間沒有阻隔，

other than a thin line that connects the two.

只有一條很細的線連結兩者。

Birth, or the joyous, wonderful, vital parts of life,

生，或是說人生中喜悅的、 美好的、充滿活力的部分，

and death, those things we want to get rid of,

以及死，我們想要擺脫的那些事物，

are said to be faced equally.

都要被平等面對。

In this new life that I find myself in,

在我的新人生當中，

I am doing my best to embrace this concept as I move forward with grieving.

我帶著悲慟向前走時， 我盡力而為去擁抱這個概念。

In the early months following Amy's death, though,

不過，在艾米剛過世的那幾個月，

I was sure that the feeling of despair would be ever-present,

我很確定絕望的感受會經常出現，

that it would be all-consuming.

它會吞噬一切。

Soon I was fortunate to receive some promising advice.

沒多久，我很幸運， 收到了很棒的忠告。

Many members of the losing-a-spouse club

失去配偶俱樂部的許多成員

reached out to me.

都向我伸出手。

One friend in particular who had also lost her life partner kept repeating,

特別有一位朋友，她也失去了 人生的另一半，她不斷重覆：

"Jason, you will find joy."

「傑森，你將來會找到喜悅的。」

I didn't even know what she was talking about.

我當時甚至不知道她在說什麼。

How was that possible?

那怎麼有可能？

But because Amy gave me very public permission

但因為艾米非常公開地允許我

to also find happiness,

去找到幸福，

I now have experienced joy from time to time.

我現在也偶爾會感受到喜悅了。

There it was, dancing the night away at an LCD Soundsystem concert,

喜悅就這麼出現了，夜晚用 LCD 音響系統聽音樂會時跟著起舞，

traveling with my brother and best friend or with a college buddy on a boys' trip

和兄弟及好友旅行， 或和同事伙計來一趟男孩之旅，

to meet a group of great guys I never met before.

去認識一群我從來沒有見過 但很棒的先生們。

From observing that my deck had sun beating down on it on a cold day,

從觀察到在一個冷天 我的甲板上有陽光照射，

stepping out in it, laying there,

我開始走出去，躺在甲板上，

the warmth consuming my body.

讓溫暖充滿我的身體。

The joy comes from my three stunning children.

喜悅來自我那三位讓人驚奇的孩子。

There was my son Justin,

比如我的兒子賈斯汀，

texting me a picture of himself with an older gentleman

他傳給我一張他和一位 較年長的男士的照片，

with a massive, strong forearm and the caption, "I just met Popeye,"

那位男士的前臂非常強壯，他加註 「我剛遇到了大力水手卜派」，

with a huge grin on his face.

他臉上是個露齒的大微笑。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

There was his brother Miles, walking to the train

還有他的兄弟邁爾斯，走向火車，

for his first day of work after graduating college,

那是他大學畢業後第一天去工作，

who stopped and looked back at me and asked,

他停下腳步，回頭看著我，問：

"What am I forgetting?"

「我忘了什麼？」

I assured him right away, "You are 100 percent ready. You got this."

我馬上向他保證：「你 100% 準備好了。你沒問題的。」

And my daughter Paris,

還有我女兒帕里絲，

walking together through Battersea Park in London,

我和她一起散步穿過 倫敦的巴特西公園，

the leaves piled high,

樹葉堆得很高，

the sun glistening in the early morning on our way to yoga.

我們一大清早去做瑜伽的路上， 陽光在閃耀著。

I would add that beauty is also there to discover,

我想補充一下， 美麗也在那裡等著被發掘，

我指的是侘寂多樣性的美麗， （註：不完美的美學）

and I mean beauty of the wabi-sabi variety

but beauty nonetheless.

但也仍然是美麗。

On the one hand, when I see something in this category, I want to say,

另一方面，當我看到 這類事物時，我想要說：

"Amy, did you see that? Did you hear that?

「艾米，你看到了嗎？ 你聽到了嗎？

It's too beautiful for you not to share with me."

這太美了，你不能不與我分享。」

On the other hand,

另一方面，

I now experience these moments

我現在以一種整體的新方式

in an entirely new way.

來體驗那些時刻。

There was the beauty I found in music,

我在音樂中能找到美麗，

like the moment in the newest Manchester Orchestra album,

比如在曼徹斯特管絃搖滾樂團 最新的專輯中，

when the song "The Alien"

當「外星人」這首歌

seamlessly transitions into "The Sunshine,"

無縫地轉換到「陽光」的時候，

or the haunting beauty of Luke Sital-Singh's "Killing Me,"

或是像路克西塔爾辛的專輯 「要我的命」，有種難忘的美麗，

whose chorus reads,

他的合唱團唱著：

"And it's killing me that you're not here with me.

「你不在這裡陪我，真是要我的命。

I'm living happily, but I'm feeling guilty."

我活得很快樂，但我覺得很罪惡。」

There is beauty in the simple moments that life has to offer,

在人生中帶給我們的 那些簡單時刻裡，就有美麗，

a way of seeing that world that was so much a part of Amy's DNA,

把這個世界看成是 艾米 DNA 的一部分，

like on my morning commute,

比如我早上通勤時，

looking at the sun reflecting off of Lake Michigan,

看著密西根湖上反映的太陽，

or stopping and truly seeing how the light shines

或是停下腳步真正去欣賞

at different times of the day

一天不同時刻中，光是如何

in the house we built together;

照耀我們一同建造的房子；

even after a Chicago storm, noticing the fresh buildup of snow

甚至在芝加哥暴風雨之後， 注意到在整個街坊中

throughout the neighborhood;

雪是如何漸漸堆起；

or peeking into my daughter's room

或是窺視我女兒的房間，

as she's practicing the bass guitar.

偷看她練低音吉他。

Listen, I want to make it clear that I'm a very fortunate person.

我想說清楚一件事， 我是一個非常幸運的人。

I have the most amazing family that loves and supports me.

我有著最棒的家人， 他們愛我、支持我。

I have the resources for personal growth during my time of grief.

在我悲慟的過程中， 我有資源可以做個人成長。

But whether it's a divorce,

但不論是離婚、

losing a job you worked so hard at

失去你很努力在維持的工作，

or having a family member die suddenly

或有親人突然過世，

or of a slow-moving and painful death,

或以緩慢痛苦的方式離世，

I would like to offer you

我都想要給予你

what I was given:

我所得到的：

a blank of sheet of paper.

一張白紙。

What will you do with your intentional empty space,

當意識裡有個空白的空間， 你也會面對一個全新的開始，

with your fresh start?

那麼，你打算要做什麼？

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）