The journey through loss and grief | Jason B. Rosenthal

Translator: Anastha Eka Susanti Reviewer: Azfa Adid

There are three words that explain why I am here.

Ada tiga kata yang menjelaskan mengapa saya ada di sini,

They are "Amy Krouse Rosenthal."

yakni "Amy Krouse Rosenthal."

At the end of Amy's life,

Di akhir hayat Amy,

hyped up on morphine and home in hospice,

di bawah pengaruh morfin dan dirawat di rumah,

the "New York Times" published an article she wrote

"New York Times" menerbitkan artikel yang ia tulis

for the "Modern Love" column on March 3, 2017.

untuk kolom "Modern Love" edisi 3 Maret 2017.

It was read worldwide by over five million people.

Dibaca lebih dari lima juta orang di seluruh dunia.

The piece was unbearably sad,

tulisan itu sedih tak terkira,

ironically funny

ironis namun lucu,

and brutally honest.

dan sangat blak-blakan.

While it was certainly about our life together,

Meski jelas menceritakan tentang kehidupan kami berdua,

the focus of the piece was me.

fokusnya adalah saya.

It was called, "You May Want to Marry My Husband."

Judulnya, "Anda Mungkin Mau Menikahi Suamiku."

It was a creative play on a personal ad for me.

Sebuah iklan diri yang kreatif tentang saya.

Amy quite literally left an empty space for me to fill

Amy jelas meninggalkan ruang kosong untuk saya isi

with another love story.

dengan kisah cinta yang lain.

Amy was my wife for half my life.

Amy-lah istri selama separuh hidup saya.

She was my partner in raising three wonderful, now grown children,

Dialah rekan dalam membesarkan tiga anak kami yang kini sudah dewasa,

and really, she was my girl, you know?

dan dia benar-benar gadis pujaan saya.

We had so much in common.

Kami punya banyak kesamaan.

We loved the same art,

Kami menyukai karya seni,

the same documentaries, the same music.

film dokumenter, dan musik yang sama.

Music was a huge part of our life together.

Musik berperan besar dalam kehidupan kami berdua.

And we shared the same values.

Nilai-nilai hidup kami pun sama.

We were in love,

Kami saling mencintai,

and our love grew stronger up until her last day.

dan cinta kami terus menguat hingga hari kepergiannya.

Amy was a prolific author.

Amy adalah penulis yang produktif.

In addition to two groundbreaking memoirs,

Selain dua memoar yang inventif,

she published over 30 children's books.

dia menerbitkan lebih dari 30 buku anak.

Secara anumerta, buku yang ditulisnya bersama anak kami, Paris,

Posthumously, the book she wrote with our daughter Paris,

called "Dear Girl,"

berjudul "Dear Girl",

reached the number one position on the "New York Times" bestseller list.

mencapai posisi pertama dalam daftar buku terlaris "New York Times".

She was a self-described tiny filmmaker.

Amy menyebut dirinya sendiri sineas kecil-kecilan.

She was 5'1" and her films were not that long.

Tinggi badannya 152 cm dan durasi filmnya pun tak lama.

(Laughter)

(Tawa)

Her films exemplified her natural ability to gather people together.

Film-film Amy mencerminkan kemampuan alaminya untuk menyatukan orang.

She was also a terrific public speaker,

Ia juga seorang pembicara publik yang luar biasa,

talking with children and adults of all ages

berbincang dengan anak-anak hingga orang dewasa

all over the world.

di seluruh dunia.

Now, my story of grief is only unique in the sense of it being rather public.

Kini, kisah duka saya menjadi unik hanya karena berkesan terbuka.

However, the grieving process itself was not my story alone.

Namun proses berkabung sendiri bukan cuma pengalaman saya seorang.

Amy gave me permission to move forward, and I'm so grateful for that.

Amy mengizinkan saya untuk terus hidup, dan saya amat mensyukurinya.

Now, just a little over a year into my new life,

Kini, setelah lebih dari setahun menjalani kehidupan baru,

I've learned a few things.

saya belajar beberapa hal.

I'm here to share with you part of the process of moving forward

Saya akan berbagi sebagian proses melanjutkan hidup

through and with grief.

melewati dan bersama rasa duka.

But before I do that, I think it would be important

Tapi sebelumnya, menurut saya penting untuk

to talk a little bit about the end of life,

menyinggung sedikit tentang kematian

because it forms how I have been emotionally since then.

karena hal itulah yang membentuk kondisi emosi saya.

Death is such a taboo subject, right?

Kematian adalah topik yang tabu, 'kan?

Amy ate her last meal on January 9, 2017.

Amy terakhir makan pada 9 Januari 2017.

She somehow lived an additional two months

Entah bagaimana dia bisa bertahan dua bulan

without solid food.

tanpa makanan padat.

Her doctors told us we could do hospice at home

Para dokter memberi tahu bahwa kami bisa merawatnya di rumah

or in the hospital.

atau di rumah sakit.

They did not tell us that Amy would shrink to half her body weight,

Mereka tak memberi tahu bahwa Amy akan menyusut hingga setengah berat badannya,

that she would never lay with her husband again,

bahwa dia tak lagi bisa tidur dengan suaminya,

and that walking upstairs to our bedroom would soon feel like running a marathon.

dan menaiki tangga menuju kamar kami akan terasa seperti maraton baginya.

Home hospice does have an aura of being a beautiful environment to die in.

Perawatan rumah memang terkesan seperti kondisi yang ideal untuk mati.

How great that you don't have the sounds of machines beeping

Betapa nyaman jika Anda tak perlu mendengar bunyi mesin

and going on and off all the time,

menyala dan mati setiap saat,

no disruptions for mandatory drug administration,

tidak terganggu jadwal rutin pemberian obat,

home with your family to die.

meninggal di rumah dikelilingi keluarga.

We did our best to make those weeks as meaningful as we could.

Sebisa mungkin, kami menjadikan minggu-minggu terakhir itu berarti.

We talked often about death.

Kami kerap membicarakan kematian.

Everybody knows it's going to happen to them, like, for sure,

Semua orang tahu bahwa mereka pasti akan mati,

but being able to talk openly about it was liberating.

tapi membicarakannya dengan terbuka terasa membebaskan.

We talked about subjects like parenting.

Kami bicara tentang pengasuhan anak.

I asked Amy how I could be the best parent possible to our children in her absence.

Saya menanyakan pada Amy, cara terbaik mengasuh anak tanpa kehadirannya.

In those conversations, she gave me confidence

Dalam pembicaraan itu, dia membuat saya percaya diri

by stressing what a great relationship I had with each one of them,

dengan menekankan kuatnya hubungan saya dan masing-masing anak kami.

and that I can do it.

Dia yakin saya bisa.

I know there will be many times

Saya sadar akan ada banyak waktu

where I wish she and I can make decisions together.

ketika saya berharap bisa membuat keputusan bersamanya.

We were always so in sync.

Kami selalu selaras.

May I be so audacious as to suggest

Kalau boleh, saya sarankan

that you have these conversations now,

Anda membicarakannya sekarang

when healthy.

selama masih sehat.

Please don't wait.

Mohon jangan menundanya.

As part of our hospice experience, we organized groups of visitors.

Sebagai bagian dari perawatan rumah, kami mengatur waktu kunjungan.

How brave of Amy to receive them, even as she began her physical decline.

Amy begitu tegar menerima mereka, bahkan saat fisiknya terus melemah.

We had a Krouse night,

Ada waktu bagi keluarga Krouse,

her parents and three siblings.

orangtua dan tiga saudaranya.

Friends and family were next.

Kemudian teman dan keluarga lain.

Each told beautiful stories of Amy and of us.

Masing-masing bercerita yang baik tentang Amy dan kami.

Amy made an immense impact on her loyal friends.

Amy punya dampak besar pada teman-teman terdekatnya.

But home hospice is not so beautiful for the surviving family members.

Tapi perawatan rumah tak seindah itu bagi keluarga yang ditinggalkan.

I want to get a little personal here and tell you that to this date,

Saya akan berbagi hal yang sangat personal bahwa hingga hari ini

I have memories of those final weeks that haunt me.

saya masih dihantui ingatan akan minggu-minggu terakhir itu.

I remember walking backwards to the bathroom,

Saya ingat berjalan mundur ke kamar mandi,

assisting Amy with each step.

menuntun Amy selangkah demi selangkah.

I felt so strong.

Rasanya, saya begitu kuat.

I'm not such a big guy,

Tubuh saya tak besar,

but my arms looked and felt so healthy compared to Amy's frail body.

tapi lengan saya terlihat dan terasa lebih bugar daripada tubuh ringkihnya.

And that body failed in our house.

Dan tubuh itu menyerah di rumah kami.

On March 13 of last year,

Pada 13 Maret tahun lalu,

my wife died of ovarian cancer in our bed.

istri saya direnggut oleh kanker rahim di tempat tidur kami.

I carried her lifeless body

Saya mengangkat tubuh tak bernyawanya

down our stairs,

menuruni tangga,

through our dining room

melewati ruang makan

and our living room

dan ruang keluarga kami

to a waiting gurney

ke brankar yang menunggu

to have her body cremated.

untuk membawanya ke krematorium.

I will never get that image out of my head.

Bayangan itu tak akan hilang dari kepala.

If you know someone who has been through the hospice experience,

Jika Anda kenal orang yang pernah mengalami perawatan rumah,

acknowledge that.

hormatilah.

Just say you heard this guy Jason

Bilang saja Anda dengar dari Jason

talk about how tough it must be to have those memories

tentang beratnya menghadapi kenangan seperti itu

and that you're there if they ever want to talk about it.

dan Anda siap mendengarkan jika mereka ingin bercerita.

They may not want to talk,

Mungkin mereka enggan bercerita,

but it's nice to connect with someone living each day with those lasting images.

tapi rasanya menenangkan bisa tahu ada yang mengalami hal serupa.

I know this sounds unbelievable, but I've never been asked that question.

Ini sulit dipercaya, tapi belum ada yang bilang begitu pada saya.

Amy's essay caused me to experience grief in a public way.

Artikel Amy membuat saya mengalami duka secara terbuka.

Many of the readers who reached out to me wrote beautiful words of reflection.

Banyak pembaca yang menghubungi saya menuliskan kata-kata renungan yang indah.

The scope of Amy's impact was deeper and richer

Dampak yang Amy buat menjangkau jauh lebih dalam, lebih kaya

than even us and her family knew.

dari yang kami dan keluarganya ketahui.

Some of the responses I received helped me with the intense grieving process

Sebagian respons itu membantu saya melewati proses berkabung yang hebat

because of their humor,

karena rasa humor mereka.

like this email I received from a woman reader

Seperti surel ini, yang saya terima dari

who read the article, declaring,

seorang pembaca wanita. Katanya,

"I will marry you when you are ready --

"Aku akan menikahimu saat kau siap --

(Laughter)

(Tawa)

"provided you permanently stop drinking.

asal kau berhenti minum alkohol selamanya.

No other conditions.

Tak ada syarat lain.

I promise to outlive you.

Aku janji akan mati setelah kau.

Thank you very much."

Terima kasih banyak."

Now, I do like a good tequila, but that really is not my issue.

Nah, saya masih suka tequila, tapi bukan itu masalahnya.

Yet how could I say no to that proposal?

Tetap saja, bagaimana bisa saya menolaknya?

(Laughter)

(Tawa)

I laughed through the tears when I read this note from a family friend:

Saya tertawa sambil menangis saat membaca pesan dari seorang kerabat:

"I remember Shabbat dinners at your home

"Aku ingat saat makan malam Sabat di rumahmu

and Amy teaching me how to make cornbread croutons.

dan Amy mengajariku membuat roti kering dari kue jagung.

Only Amy could find creativity in croutons."

Cuma Amy yang bisa sekreatif itu."

(Laughter)

(Tawa)

On July 27, just a few months after Amy's death,

Pada 27 Juli, beberapa bulan setelah kepergian Amy,

my dad died of complications

ayah saya meninggal karena

related to a decades-long battle with Parkinson's disease.

komplikasi penyakit Parkinson yang diidapnya berpuluh-puluh tahun.

I had to wonder: How much can the human condition handle?

Saya bertanya-tanya: Seberapa jauh manusia bisa menanggung ini?

What makes us capable of dealing with this intense loss

Apa yang membuat kita kuat menghadapi rasa kehilangan yang hebat,

and yet carry on?

namun tetap bisa bertahan?

Was this a test?

Apakah ini ujian?

Why my family and my amazing children?

Mengapa keluarga dan anak-anak saya?

Looking for answers, I regret to say, is a lifelong mission,

Mencari jawaban itu, sayangnya, adalah misi seumur hidup.

but the key to my being able to persevere

Namun kunci kegigihan saya

is Amy's expressed and very public edict

adalah deklarasi Amy yang begitu terbuka dan jelas

that I must go on.

bahwa saya harus melanjutkan hidup.

Throughout this year, I have done just that.

Sepanjang tahun ini, hanya itu yang saya lakukan.

I have attempted to step out and seek the joy and the beauty

Saya berusaha keluar dan mencari keceriaan dan keindahan

that I know this life is capable of providing.

yang saya tahu selalu bisa disediakan oleh hidup.

But here's the reality:

Namun ini kenyataannya:

those family gatherings,

pertemuan keluarga,

attending weddings and events honoring Amy,

hadir di acara pernikahan dan peringatan untuk Amy,

as loving as they are,

selembut apa pun kasih mereka,

have all been very difficult to endure.

tetaplah sangat sulit untuk dijalani.

People say I'm amazing.

Orang bilang saya hebat,

"How do you handle yourself that way during those times?"

"Bagaimana kau bisa membawa diri melewati masa-masa itu?"

They say, "You do it with such grace."

Kata mereka, "Kau menjalaninya dengan tenang."

Well, guess what?

Yah, coba tebak?

I really am sad a lot of the time.

Saya merasa amat sedih setiap waktu.

I often feel like I'm kind of a mess,

Saya sering merasa berantakan,

and I know these feelings apply to other surviving spouses,

dan saya tahu perasaan ini juga terjadi kepada pasangan,

children, parents

anak, orangtua,

and other family members.

dan keluarga yang ditinggalkan.

In Japanese Zen, there is a term "Shoji,"

Dalam konsep Zen dari Jepang, ada istilah "Shoji,"

which translates as "birth death."

yang terjemahannya "lahir-mati."

There is no separation between life and death

Tak ada pemisahan antara lahir dan mati

other than a thin line that connects the two.

selain garis tipis yang menghubungkannya.

Birth, or the joyous, wonderful, vital parts of life,

Kelahiran, atau bagian hidup yang riang, indah, dan vital,

and death, those things we want to get rid of,

dan kematian, hal-hal yang ingin kita singkirkan,

are said to be faced equally.

katanya harus dihadapi dengan setara.

In this new life that I find myself in,

Dalam hidup baru yang sekarang saya jalani,

I am doing my best to embrace this concept as I move forward with grieving.

saya berusaha merangkul konsep itu sebaik mungkin sambil menghadapi duka.

In the early months following Amy's death, though,

Toh, pada bulan-bulan awal setelah kematian Amy,

I was sure that the feeling of despair would be ever-present,

saya yakin bahwa perasaan putus asa itu akan selalu hadir,

that it would be all-consuming.

akan sangat menguasai saya.

Soon I was fortunate to receive some promising advice.

Tak lama, saya beruntung bisa menerima nasihat yang optimistis.

Many members of the losing-a-spouse club

Banyak anggota kelab kehilangan pasangan

reached out to me.

yang menghubungi saya.

One friend in particular who had also lost her life partner kept repeating,

Seorang teman yang juga pernah kehilangan pasangan berulang kali berkata,

"Jason, you will find joy."

"Jason, kau akan menemukan keceriaan."

I didn't even know what she was talking about.

Saya awalnya tak mengerti apa yang ia katakan.

How was that possible?

Bagaimana bisa?

But because Amy gave me very public permission

Namun karena secara terbuka Amy telah mengizinkan

to also find happiness,

saya menemukan kebahagiaan,

I now have experienced joy from time to time.

kini saya bisa mengalami sukacita dari waktu ke waktu.

There it was, dancing the night away at an LCD Soundsystem concert,

Ada di sana, saat berdansa semalaman di konser LCD Soundsystem,

traveling with my brother and best friend or with a college buddy on a boys' trip

melancong dengan saudara dan sahabat, atau teman kuliah saat trip khusus cowok

to meet a group of great guys I never met before.

bertemu orang-orang hebat yang baru dikenal.

From observing that my deck had sun beating down on it on a cold day,

Saat mengamati beranda rumah dilimpahi sinar matahari pada hari yang dingin,

stepping out in it, laying there,

melangkah di atasnya, lalu berbaring,

the warmth consuming my body.

membiarkan kehangatan menyelimuti saya.

The joy comes from my three stunning children.

Sukacita yang datang dari tiga anak saya yang menakjubkan.

There was my son Justin,

Anak laki-laki saya, Justin,

texting me a picture of himself with an older gentleman

mengirimkan fotonya dengan seorang pria tua

with a massive, strong forearm and the caption, "I just met Popeye,"

berlengan besar dan kekar, dan menulis pesan, "Aku ketemu Popeye,"

with a huge grin on his face.

sambil menyeringai lebar.

(Laughter)

(Tawa)

There was his brother Miles, walking to the train

Kakak laki-lakinya, Miles, saat memasuki kereta

for his first day of work after graduating college,

pada hari pertama kerja setelah menamatkan kuliah,

who stopped and looked back at me and asked,

berhenti, berbalik ke saya seraya bertanya,

"What am I forgetting?"

"Apa ada yang tertinggal?"

I assured him right away, "You are 100 percent ready. You got this."

Saya langsung meyakinkannya, "Kau sudah 100% siap. Kau pasti bisa."

And my daughter Paris,

Dan anak perempuan saya, Paris,

walking together through Battersea Park in London,

berjalan bersama saya melalui Battersea Park di London,

the leaves piled high,

dedaunan bertumpuk tinggi,

the sun glistening in the early morning on our way to yoga.

matahari berkilauan di pagi hari saat kami menuju tempat yoga.

I would add that beauty is also there to discover,

Perlu saya tambahkan bahwa keindahan ada di sana untuk ditemukan.

and I mean beauty of the wabi-sabi variety

Maksud saya, keindahan berjenis wabi-sabi

but beauty nonetheless.

namun bagaimanapun tetap indah.

On the one hand, when I see something in this category, I want to say,

Pada satu sisi, saat melihat suatu hal seperti ini, saya ingin bilang,

"Amy, did you see that? Did you hear that?

"Amy, apa kau lihat juga? Kau dengar?

It's too beautiful for you not to share with me."

Terlalu cantik untuk tak kaubagi denganku."

On the other hand,

Pada sisi lain,

I now experience these moments

kini saya mengalami momen-momen ini

in an entirely new way.

dengan sama sekali berbeda.

There was the beauty I found in music,

Ada keindahan yang saya temukan di musik,

like the moment in the newest Manchester Orchestra album,

seperti saat mendengarkan album terbaru Manchester Orchestra,

when the song "The Alien"

ketika lagu "The Alien"

seamlessly transitions into "The Sunshine,"

beralih dengan mulus ke "The Sunshine",

or the haunting beauty of Luke Sital-Singh's "Killing Me,"

atau keindahan yang mengusik dari lagu "Killing Me" oleh Luke Sital-Singh,

whose chorus reads,

yang refreinnya berbunyi,

"And it's killing me that you're not here with me.

"Dan ini membunuhku bahwa kau tak di sini bersamaku.

I'm living happily, but I'm feeling guilty."

Aku hidup bahagia, namun aku merasa berdosa."

There is beauty in the simple moments that life has to offer,

Ada keindahan dalam momen sederhana yang dibawa oleh hidup --

a way of seeing that world that was so much a part of Amy's DNA,

cara untuk melihatnya menjadi bagian besar dari DNA Amy --

like on my morning commute,

seperti ketika berangkat di pagi hari,

looking at the sun reflecting off of Lake Michigan,

menatap pantulan matahari pada permukaan Danau Michigan,

or stopping and truly seeing how the light shines

atau berhenti dan seutuhnya memandang bagaimana cahaya bersinar

at different times of the day

pada bagian hari yang berbeda

in the house we built together;

di dalam rumah yang kami bangun bersama;

even after a Chicago storm, noticing the fresh buildup of snow

bahkan setelah badai di Chicago, memperhatikan tumpukan salju yang baru

throughout the neighborhood;

di sepanjang lingkungan rumah;

or peeking into my daughter's room

atau mengintip kamar anak perempuan saya

as she's practicing the bass guitar.

saat ia sedang berlatih bas.

Listen, I want to make it clear that I'm a very fortunate person.

Dengarlah, saya ingin memperjelas bahwa saya amat beruntung.

I have the most amazing family that loves and supports me.

Saya punya keluarga yang luar biasa, yang menyayangi dan mendukung saya.

I have the resources for personal growth during my time of grief.

Saya punya sumber daya untuk berkembang pada waktu-waktu berduka.

But whether it's a divorce,

Tapi apakah itu perceraian,

losing a job you worked so hard at

kehilangan pekerjaan yang Anda perjuangkan,

or having a family member die suddenly

atau anggota keluarga yang meninggal

or of a slow-moving and painful death,

baik dengan tiba-tiba maupun perlahan dan menyakitkan,

I would like to offer you

saya ingin menawarkan Anda

what I was given:

anugerah yang saya dapat:

a blank of sheet of paper.

secarik kertas kosong.

What will you do with your intentional empty space,

Apa yang akan Anda perbuat pada ruang kosong milik Anda,

with your fresh start?

dengan awal yang baru?

Thank you.

Terima kasih.

(Applause)

(Tepuk tangan)