Ash Beckham: When to take a stand -- and when to let it go

翻译人员: Coco Shen 校对人员: Lidong Zhuo

This summer I was back in Ohio for a family wedding,

这个夏天， 我回俄亥俄州参加了一场家庭婚礼。

and when I was there,

当我到那后，

there was a meet and greet with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."

参加了一个《冰雪奇缘》中的安娜与艾尔莎 欢迎会。

Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen,"

并不是真的《冰雪奇缘》里的 安娜和艾尔莎，

as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event.

因为这并非迪斯尼官方活动。

These two entrepreneurs had a business of running princess parties.

而是两名创业者专门从事公主派对业务

Your kid is turning five?

你的孩子要满5岁了吗？

They'll come sing some songs, sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great.

她们会来唱唱歌，洒洒仙尘， 效果棒极了。

And they were not about to miss out on the opportunity

她们当然也不会错过现在流行的

that was the phenomenon and that was "Frozen."

《冰雪奇缘》给她们带来的商机。

So they get hired by a local toy store,

她们受雇于当地一家玩具店，

kids come in on a Saturday morning,

孩子们周六早晨光顾时，

buy some Disney swag, get their picture taken with the princesses,

买些迪斯尼玩偶，再和公主们合个影。

call it a day.

这就是孩子完美的一天。

It's like Santa Claus without the seasonal restrictions.

就好像没有季节性限制的圣诞老人。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece Samantha was in the thick of it.

而我三岁半的小侄女萨曼莎正对公主 疯狂迷恋。

She could care less that these two women were signing posters and coloring books

她毫不在意这两个女人作为 ”白雪皇后“和“安娜公主”

as Snow Queen and Princess Ana with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits.

给海报或者彩色书签名时 只签了个“N” 以避免版权纠纷。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

According to my niece and the 200-plus kids in the parking lot that day,

根据我侄女和 当天在场的200多个孩子的描述，

this was the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."

这就是《冰雪奇缘》里的安娜和艾尔莎。

It is a blazing hot Saturday morning in August in Ohio.

那是俄亥俄州八月一个酷热的周六早晨。

We get there at 10 o'clock, the scheduled start time,

我们到达时刚刚10点， 正是安排的开始时间，

and we are handed number 59.

而我们的排号为59.

By 11 o'clock they had called numbers 21 through 25;

11点时，叫号叫到了21至25号

this was going to be a while,

轮到我们还有好一会儿，

and there is no amount of free face painting or temporary tattoos

却已经没有免费的脸部彩绘和文身贴纸

能抵御店外面快让人融化的高温了。

that could prevent the meltdowns that were occurring outside of the store.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So, by 12:30 we get called:

12点半 终于叫到我们了

"56 to 63, please."

”56到63号，这边请。“

And as we walk in, it is a scene I can only describe you

当我们走进商店， 那有一个布景我只能给你们形容为

as saying it looked like Norway threw up.

就像是一个废弃的挪威。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

There were cardboard cut-out snowflakes covering the floor,

地板上铺满硬纸板剪出的雪花，

glitter on every flat surface, and icicles all over the walls.

每个平面都银光闪烁， 墙面上还坠满冰柱。

And as we stood in line

当我们站在队伍里，

in an attempt to give my niece a better vantage point

为了能给我侄女更好的视角，

than the backside of the mother of number 58,

而不只是前面58号妈妈的背影，

我把她抱起放在肩膀上。

I put her up on my shoulders,

and she was instantly riveted by the sight of the princesses.

而她的视线也马上凝聚在了公主们身上。

And as we moved forward, her excitement only grew,

随着我们往前移动，她越来越兴奋。

and as we finally got to the front of the line,

而当我们最终到达队伍最前端，

and number 58 unfurled her poster to be signed by the princesses,

前面的58号已经展开海报让公主们 签名时，

I could literally feel the excitement running through her body.

我能实实在在地感受到 贯穿我侄女全身的激动。

And let's be honest, at that point, I was pretty excited too.

老实说，那时我其实也是激动异常。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I mean, the Scandinavian decadence was mesmerizing.

我的意思是，这个“斯堪的纳维亚”废墟 实在太有魅力了。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So we get to the front of the line,

当我们到了队伍的最前面，

and the haggard clerk turns to my niece and says,

那个面容憔悴的店员转身对我侄女说，

"Hi, honey. You're next!

“嗨，亲爱的，下一个就是你了！”

Do you want to get down, or you're going to stay

你是想下来自己站着，还是继续留在

on your dad's shoulders for the picture?'

你爸爸肩头和公主们拍照？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And I was, for a lack of a better word, frozen.

而我，一时语塞，僵住了。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It's amazing that in an unexpected instant we are faced with the question,

神奇地 在一个不经意的瞬间 我们面临了这样一个问题：

who am I?

我是谁？

Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate?

我是一个姨妈？ 或者我是一名激励讲师？

Millions of people have seen my video about how to have a hard conversation,

无数朋友已看过我的视频， 描述如何处理尴尬的对话，

and there one was, right in front of me.

而此时此刻 我面前就有一个

At the same time,

与此同时，

there's nothing more important to me than the kids in my life,

我知道我生活中没有什么 能比孩子更重要，

so I found myself in a situation that we so often find ourselves in,

于是我发现我处在一个大家都会经常 遇到的两难境地，

torn between two things, two impossible choices.

面临两件事、两种不可能的选择。

Would I be an advocate?

我应该回归激励讲师的身份吗？

Would I take my niece off my shoulders and turn to the clerk and explain to her

我是否应该把我的侄女从肩头放下 并和店员解释

that I was in fact her aunt, not her father,

我实际上是她的姨妈，而非父亲。

and that she should be more careful

而店员以后也应多小心，

and not to jump to gender conclusions based on haircuts and shoulder rides --

不要根据发型 或肩扛孩子 就随便妄断别人性别。

(Laughter) --

（笑声）

and while doing that,

但这么做，

miss out on what was, to this point, the greatest moment of my niece's life.

我将错过我侄女生活中 最激动人心的一刻。

Or would I be an aunt?

或者我应该做一个好姨妈？

Would I brush off that comment, take a million pictures,

抛开我的意见，和侄女好好拍照，

and not be distracted for an instant from the pure joy of that moment,

享受那时那刻的愉悦，一刻也不分心。

and by doing that,

但这么做，

walk out with the shame that comes up for not standing up for myself,

走出店门时， 我会为没有替自己辩护而心怀羞愧

especially in front of my niece.

特别是在我侄女面前

Who was I?

我到底应该是谁？

Which one was more important? Which role was more worth it?

哪一个更重要？哪个角色更值得？

Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate?

我是个姨妈？还是个激励讲师？

And I had a split second to decide.

我不免有一秒的出神在纠结这个问题。

We are taught right now

我们现在被教导

that we are living in a world of constant and increasing polarity.

我们正生活在一个不断两极分化的世界。

It's so black and white, so us and them, so right and wrong.

这个世界太强调非黑即白，非此即彼， 非对即错。

There is no middle, there is no gray, just polarity.

没有中庸中立，没有灰色地带， 只有极端化。

Polarity is a state in which two ideas or opinions

极端化指的是两种主张或意见

are completely opposite from each other;

完全互为对立的状态；

a diametrical opposition.

是非此即彼的对立。

你会站在哪一边？

Which side are you on?

Are you unequivocally and without question antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty,

你会坚定不移毫无疑问地反对战争， 支持堕胎权，反死刑，

pro-gun regulation, proponent of open borders and pro-union?

认可枪支管理，支持边界开放和联盟吗？

Or, are you absolutely and uncompromisingly

或者你是绝对完全毫无妥协地

pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty,

支持战争，反堕胎，认可死刑，

a believer that the Second Amendment is absolute,

坚信第二修正案至高无上，

anti-immigrant and pro-business?

反移民，认可重商主义？

It's all or none, you're with us or against us.

要么都是，要么都不是。要么是朋友， 要么是敌人。

That is polarity.

这就是极端化。

The problem with polarity and absolutes is that

极端化和绝对化的问题是

it eliminates the individuality of our human experience

它消除了我们的个性与人文体验，

and that makes it contradictory to our human nature.

而这和我们的自然本性是相悖的。

But if we are pulled in these two directions,

但如果我们被迫二选一，

but it's not really where we exist --

而这些极端又不代表我们的真实存在，

polarity is not our actual reality --

两级对立并不是我们的实际生活，

where do we go from there?

我们又应该去向何处？

What's at the other end of that spectrum?

哪儿才是这段宽广范围中的另一端？

I don't think it's an unattainable, harmonious utopia,

我并不认为这只是一个不能达到的 和谐的乌托邦，

I think the opposite of polarity is duality.

我认为和极性相对立的是二元性。

Duality is a state of having two parts,

二元性是一种两部分共生的状态，

but not in diametrical opposition,

但这两部分不是你死我活的对立，

in simultaneous existence.

而是共存互生。

Don't think it's possible?

觉得这不可能？

Here are the people I know:

这些是我认识的一些人：

I know Catholics who are pro-choice, and feminists who wear hijabs,

我认识支持堕胎的天主教徒， 戴遮面纱巾的女权主义者。

and veterans who are antiwar,

反对战争的老兵，

and NRA members who think I should be able to get married.

认为我应结婚的全国枪支协会会员。

Those are the people I know, those are my friends and family,

这些都是我认识的人， 是我的朋友和家人。

that is the majority of our society, that is you, that is me.

这些才是我们社会的大多数， 这是你，也是我。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Duality is the ability to hold both things.

二元性是能包容事物的能力。

But the question is: Can we own our duality?

但问题是，我们能达成二元性吗？

Can we have the courage to hold both things?

我们有足够勇气去包容不同观点吗？

I work at a restaurant in town,

我在镇上一家餐馆工作，

I became really good friends with the busser.

我和洗碗工成了好朋友。

I was a server and we had a great relationship,

我是服务员，我们保持了不错的友谊，

we had a really great time together.

Her Spanish was great

我们一起经历了很多美好时光。

她的西班牙语很棒，

because she was from Mexico.

因为她来自墨西哥。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

That line actually went the other way.

这情况我这边也一样。

Her English was limited, but significantly better than my Spanish.

她的英文水平有限， 但也比我的西班牙语好得多。

我们因共同点而凝聚在一起，

But we were united by our similarities,

not separated by our differences.

也没有因为我们的不同而分开。

And we were close, even though we came from very different worlds.

我们非常亲近， 尽管我们来自不同的地方。

She was from Mexico,

she left her family behind so she could come here

她是墨西哥人，

离开家人只身来到美国，

and afford them a better life back home.

努力工作以期给墨西哥的家人 提供更好的生活。

She was a devout conservative Catholic,

她是虔诚的保守派天主教徒，

a believer in traditional family values,

坚信传统家庭观念，

stereotypical roles of men and women,

以及男人和女人的固有社会角色。

and I was, well, me.

而我，你们知道的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But the things that bonded us were when she asked about my girlfriend,

而把我们联结在一起的是 当问到我女友的时刻，

or she shared pictures that she had from her family back home.

是分享她墨西哥家人照片的时刻。

Those were the things that brought us together.

正是这些 让我们的关系密切起来。

So one day, we were in the back,

一天，我们正在餐馆后台

scarfing down food as quickly as we could, gathered around a small table,

围着一张小餐桌狼吞虎咽，

during a very rare lull,

因为休息间歇太短，

and a new guy from the kitchen came over --

从厨房走来一名新员工，

who happened to be her cousin --

碰巧是她的堂弟。

and sat down with all the bravado and machismo

他表现出一种20岁青年所拥有的 男子气概，

that his 20-year-old body could hold.

虚张声势地坐在我们面前。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And he said to her, [in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?"

他问她，（西班牙语）： “阿什有男友了吗？”

And she said, [in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend."

她答道，（西班牙语）： “没有，但她有女朋友。”

And he said, [in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?"

他反问道，（西班牙语）：“女朋友？”

And she set down her fork, and locked eyes with him,

而她放下叉子，盯着他，

and said, [in Spanish] "Yes, a girlfriend. That is all."

再次答道，（西班牙语） “对，她有女朋友，就是这样。”，

And his smug smile quickly dropped to one of maternal respect,

他自鸣得意的微笑迅速转变为 某种对女性长辈的尊重

grabbed his plate, walked off, went back to work.

拿起他的盘子，转身回到厨房干活。

She never made eye contact with me.

期间她和我没有任何眼神交流。

She left, did the same thing --

随后她也离开了，和她的堂弟一样。

it was a 10-second conversation, such a short interaction.

这次谈话持续了10秒钟， 却是一次短暂的互动。

And on paper, she had so much more in common with him:

按理说，她和他才会有更多共同点：

语言，文化，历史，家庭， 社区以及她的生活。

language, culture, history, family, her community was her lifeline here,

but her moral compass trumped all of that.

但她道义上的包容胜过了所有这些。

And a little bit later, they were joking around in the kitchen in Spanish,

不久后，他们又一起在厨房 用西班牙语开玩笑，

that had nothing to do with me,

而这已和我没有任何关系。

那 就是二元包容性。

and that is duality.

She didn't have to choose some P.C. stance on gayness over her heritage.

在同性恋和传统信仰之间， 她没必要非得对前者采取政治正确的立场，

She didn't have to choose her family over our friendship.

也不必因为偏向家庭而亏待了友谊。

这不是选耶稣，还是选阿什的问题。

It wasn't Jesus or Ash.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

（掌声）

(Applause)

Her individual morality was so strongly rooted

她个人的道义感如此根深蒂固，

that she had the courage to hold both things.

以至于她又有足够的勇气包容两种观念。

Our moral integrity is our responsibility

我们的道德良心是我们的责任，

and we must be prepared to defend it even when it's not convenient.

即使在不太方便的时候， 我们也必须呵护它。

That's what it means to be an ally, and if you're going to be an ally,

这就是成为盟友的意义。 而如果你想要成为盟友，

you have to be an active ally:

你必须是一个积极的盟友。

提出问题， 听到不恰当的观点时积极回应，

Ask questions, act when you hear something inappropriate,

actually engage.

切实参与进去。

I had a family friend who for years used to call my girlfriend my lover.

我认识个家族朋友， 多年来一直把我的女友称为我的”情人“。

Really? Lover?

真的吗？情人？

So overly sexual,

性的意味有点重啊，

so '70s gay porn.

很像70年代美国的同性恋情色文学。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

但她在尝试，她积极询问我们的意见。

But she was trying, and she asked.

She could have called her my friend,

她本可以叫我女友"我的朋友“

or my "friend," or my "special friend" --

或我的”朋友“，或我的”特殊朋友“。

(Laughter) --

（笑声）

or even worse, just not asked at all.

或者更糟的是，完全不打招呼。

Believe me, we would rather have you ask.

相信我，我们更愿意你们把意见说出来。

I would rather have her say lover, than say nothing at all.

我更愿意她叫我女友”情人“， 也好过什么都不说。

People often say to me, "Well, Ash, I don't care.

人们常和我说：”阿什，我不在乎。

I don't see race or religion or sexuality.

我看不到种族，宗教或性别问题。

It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."

它们对我没意义，我完全不在乎。“

But I think the opposite of homophobia and racism and xenophobia is not love,

但我认为反同性恋， 种族主义和仇外的对立面不是爱，

而是冷漠。

it's apathy.

If you don't see my gayness, then you don't see me.

如果你没关注我的同性恋倾向， 你就等于不认识我。

If it doesn't matter to you who I sleep with,

如果你觉得我和谁睡觉对你无关紧要，

then you cannot imagine what it feels like

那么你也无法想象 当我在深夜

when I walk down the street late at night holding her hand,

牵着我女友的手走在街上时是什么感觉。

and approach a group of people and have to make the decision

我们走进人群，而我却不得不决定

if I should hang on to it or if I should I drop it

究竟应该是继续双手相握 还是不得已分开。

而我当时所希望的却是可以握得更紧。

when all I want to do is squeeze it tighter.

And the small victory I feel

当我保持紧握 不理会别人眼光时，

when I make it by and don't have to let go.

我能感受到小小的胜利。

And the incredible cowardice and disappointment I feel when I drop it.

但当手松开，我也会体会到难以置信的 懦弱和失望。

If you do not see that struggle

如果你们没有看见我的挣扎，没有体会到

that is unique to my human experience because I am gay, then you don't see me.

我因为同性恋身份而特有的体验，你们 就是没认识我。

If you are going to be an ally, I need you to see me.

如果你想要成为一名盟友，我需要你们 先认清我。

As individuals, as allies, as humans,

作为个人，朋友，有人性的人，

we need to be able to hold both things:

我们需要能够包容事物的两面：

both the good and the bad,

好的一面和坏的一面，

the easy and the hard.

容易的一面和困难的一面。

You don't learn how to hold two things just from the fluff,

你不仅要从失误中学会包容两面性，

you learn it from the grit.

你还需要从磨砺中学到。

And what if duality is just the first step?

如果二元包容性只是第一步呢？

What if through compassion and empathy and human interaction

如果通过包容，移情和人性互动，

we are able to learn to hold two things?

我们能够学到并接受事物的两面， 下一步又会如何？

And if we can hold two things, we can hold four,

我们能接受事物的两面， 我们就能接受的四面，

and if we can hold four, we can hold eight,

如果我们能接受四面， 我们就能接受八面，

and if we can hold eight, we can hold hundreds.

而如果我们能接受八面， 我们就能接受无穷。

我们都是复杂的个体，

We are complex individuals,

swirls of contradiction.

是矛盾的漩涡。

You are all holding so many things right now.

你们现在正接受着各种事物和观点。

What can you do to hold just a few more?

我们应该怎么做去接受更多更广呢？

所以，回到俄亥俄州的托莱多市。

So, back to Toledo, Ohio.

I'm at the front of the line,

我正站在队伍的最前端，

niece on my shoulders, the frazzled clerk calls me Dad.

肩上坐着我的小侄女， 疲惫的店员说我是她爸。

Have you ever been mistaken for the wrong gender?

你们有过被人认错性别的经历吗？

Not even that.

不仅于此。

Have you ever been called something you are not?

你们曾经被别人认错过吗？

Here's what it feels like for me:

这是我当时的感觉：

我顿时感到五味杂陈。

I am instantly an internal storm of contrasting emotions.

I break out into a sweat that is a combination of rage and humiliation,

愤怒和羞辱让我汗流不止，

I feel like the entire store is staring at me,

我觉得整个商店的人都在盯着我，

and I simultaneously feel invisible.

同时也感到自己像个隐形人。

我既想一阵狂骂，

I want to explode in a tirade of fury,

又恨不得马上钻到地下。

and I want to crawl under a rock.

And top all of that off with the frustration that I'm wearing

而所有这一切中，撇开挫折感， 最糟糕的是我当时穿了一件

an out-of-character tight-fitting purple t-shirt,

不符合我性格的紧身紫色T恤，

so this whole store can see my boobs,

所以商店里每个人能看见我的胸部，

穿这个就是为了保证不发生这种事的

to make sure this exact same thing doesn't happen.

（笑声）

(Laughter)

But, despite my best efforts to be seen as the gender I am,

尽管我竭尽全力表明我的性别，

it still happens.

还是发生了这样的事。

And I hope with every ounce of my body that no one heard --

我真真切切地都希望当时没人听见 （店员误认我是小侄女她爸），

not my sister, not my girlfriend, and certainly not my niece.

不希望我的姐妹，女友听到， 当然也包括侄女。

I am accustomed to this familiar hurt,

我对这种伤害已经习以为常了，

but I will do whatever I need to do to protect the people I love from it.

但我要尽我所能保护我爱的人免遭伤害。

But then I take my niece off my shoulders,

于是我从肩上放下我的小侄女，

and she runs to Elsa and Anna --

她马上跑向了艾尔莎和安娜，

the thing she's been waiting so long for --

她等这一刻等了这么久。

所有的那些烦恼也随之烟消云散。

and all that stuff goes away.

All that matters is the smile on her face.

真正重要的是她脸上的笑容。

And as the 30 seconds we waited two and a half hours for comes to a close

我们花两个半小时等来的30秒时光 快接近尾声时，

we gather up our things, and I lock eyes with the clerk again;

我收拾好我们的东西， 又向那个店员看了一眼；

and she gives me an apologetic smile and mouths,

她报以歉意的微笑 并用口型对我说，

"I am so sorry!"

”我真的十分抱歉！“

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And her humanity, her willingness to admit her mistake disarms me immediately,

她的仁慈和认错的意愿 让我瞬间卸下了心理防备，

then I give her a: "It's okay, it happens. But thanks."

我回答说：“没关系，有些事情无可避免 不过还是谢谢你。”

And I realize in that moment

我意识到 在那一刻

that I don't have to be

我不是一定

要么是姨妈，要么是激励讲师， 我可以兼顾两个角色。

either an aunt or an advocate, I can be both.

I can live in duality, and I can hold two things.

我可以以二元包容性的姿态活着 我可以同时掌控两件事。

And if I can hold two things in that environment,

而如果我在那样的环境下可以兼顾两者，

I can hold so many more things.

那么我也可以接受更多的事情。

As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands and skip out the front of the door,

当我女友和小侄女牵手跨出店门时，

我转向我妹妹问到，”这值得吗？“

I turn to my sister and say, "Was it worth it?"

And she said, "Are you kidding me?

她回答：“你在开玩笑吗？

Did you see the look on her face? This was the greatest day of her life!"

你没看见她脸上的笑容吗？这是她生命 里最快乐的一天！“

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"It was worth the two and a half hours in the heat,

”在酷热中等待两个半小时很值得，

it was worth the overpriced coloring book that we already had a copy of."

那本标价过高的彩色图书， 虽然我们已经有一本了，但仍然值得。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"It was even worth you getting called Dad."

“甚至你被误认为是她爸也是值得的。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And for the first time ever in my life, it actually was.

生命中的第一次 我同意她的话。

Thank you, Boulder. Have a good night.

谢谢波尔得市。祝大家晚安。

(Applause)

（掌声）