Ash Beckham: When to take a stand -- and when to let it go

譯者: Wilde Luo 審譯者: Chih Ying (Naomi) Chuang

This summer I was back in Ohio for a family wedding,

今年夏天我回俄亥俄州 去參加一個親戚的婚禮。

and when I was there,

當我在那裡，

there was a meet and greet with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."

與他人會面時，被《冰雪奇緣》中的 安娜（Anna）和艾莎（Elsa）迎接。

Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen,"

噢，那當然不是《冰雪奇緣》中的安娜和艾莎，

as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event.

因為這並不是迪士尼公司批准的活動。

These two entrepreneurs had a business of running princess parties.

這兩個商人有公主派對的業務。

Your kid is turning five?

如果你的小孩五歲了，

They'll come sing some songs, sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great.

她們會來唱一些歌，撒一些“仙塵”， 這太棒了。

And they were not about to miss out on the opportunity

並且她們不想錯過

that was the phenomenon and that was "Frozen."

那些關於《冰雪奇緣》等 熱門現象的機會。

So they get hired by a local toy store,

所以她們受僱於當地玩具店，

kids come in on a Saturday morning,

在一個星期六上午，孩子們來了，

buy some Disney swag, get their picture taken with the princesses,

買一些迪士尼飾品，和公主們合影留念，

call it a day.

然後到此為止。

It's like Santa Claus without the seasonal restrictions.

這就像聖誕老人一樣，只不過沒有時令限制。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece Samantha was in the thick of it.

並且我三歲半的外甥女薩曼莎對這正來勁。

She could care less that these two women were signing posters and coloring books

她根本就不在乎這兩個女人，在海報和彩色畫冊上 以“Snow Queen（雪女王）”以及

as Snow Queen and Princess Ana with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits.

為了避免版權訴訟的 "Princess Ana (只有一個字母N的阿娜公主)" 的名字簽名。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

According to my niece and the 200-plus kids in the parking lot that day,

對我的外甥女和 那天在停車場的200多個孩子來說，

this was the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."

她們就是《冰雪奇緣》中的安娜和艾莎。

It is a blazing hot Saturday morning in August in Ohio.

那是個八月裡俄亥俄州 熾熱的星期六上午。

We get there at 10 o'clock, the scheduled start time,

我們在十點鐘到達， 即計劃中開始的時間，

and we are handed number 59.

我們被排到第59號。

By 11 o'clock they had called numbers 21 through 25;

直到十一點整，他們終於叫了21到25號。

this was going to be a while,

但還得再等上一段時間。

and there is no amount of free face painting or temporary tattoos

而這裡沒有能夠阻擋店外 那令人崩潰的炎熱之氣，

that could prevent the meltdowns that were occurring outside of the store.

免費的面部彩繪或臨時紋身貼

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So, by 12:30 we get called:

所以，到十二點半，終於輪到了我們，

"56 to 63, please."

“56到63號，請進。”

And as we walk in, it is a scene I can only describe you

當我們進入時，我能給你描述的就只是

as saying it looked like Norway threw up.

好像挪威嘔吐了一樣

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

There were cardboard cut-out snowflakes covering the floor,

雪花硬紙剪畫鋪滿了整個地板，

到處都有亮片裝飾著每個平面， 冰柱遍佈在每一堵墻上。

glitter on every flat surface, and icicles all over the walls.

And as we stood in line

當我們排隊站著，

in an attempt to give my niece a better vantage point

為了讓我外甥女有一個

than the backside of the mother of number 58,

比起在58號孩子母親的背側 更有利的位置

我把她舉到了我肩膀上

I put her up on my shoulders,

and she was instantly riveted by the sight of the princesses.

而當她一看見公主的模樣就被迷住了

And as we moved forward, her excitement only grew,

我們向前走時，她越來越興奮，

and as we finally got to the front of the line,

當我們終於到了隊伍的最前面，

and number 58 unfurled her poster to be signed by the princesses,

58號孩子攤開了她 即將被公主們簽名的海報時，

I could literally feel the excitement running through her body.

我確實可以感受到從她身體透出的那股興奮。

老實講，當下我也是相當興奮的。

And let's be honest, at that point, I was pretty excited too.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I mean, the Scandinavian decadence was mesmerizing.

我的意思是說，那種北歐斯坎地納維亞頹廢的場景 的確非常迷人。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So we get to the front of the line,

所以我們終於到了隊伍前，

and the haggard clerk turns to my niece and says,

面帶倦容的店員朝我的外甥女說：

"Hi, honey. You're next!

“嗨，親愛的，你是下一個！

Do you want to get down, or you're going to stay

你是想下來，

on your dad's shoulders for the picture?'

還是繼續待在你爸爸的肩上合影？“

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I was, for a lack of a better word, frozen.

那時，語塞的我，凍若木雞。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It's amazing that in an unexpected instant we are faced with the question,

令人驚訝的是，在那個不預期的時刻， 我們面對著這一個問題：

who am I?

我是誰？

Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate?

我是一個阿姨嗎？ 或者問，我是一個倡導者？

Millions of people have seen my video about how to have a hard conversation,

數百萬的人們看過我的有關 如何對那些難以啟齒的事開口的錄影帶，

and there one was, right in front of me.

而現在這個，就在我面前。

At the same time,

同一時刻，

there's nothing more important to me than the kids in my life,

沒有什麼比那些在我生命中的孩子更重要了，

so I found myself in a situation that we so often find ourselves in,

所以我發現我自己在一種 我們經常察覺自己深陷其中，

torn between two things, two impossible choices.

被兩件事，或者兩個不可能的選擇拉扯著。

Would I be an advocate?

我會是個倡導者嗎？

Would I take my niece off my shoulders and turn to the clerk and explain to her

我會把我的外甥女放下來， 轉身去朝店員解釋說

that I was in fact her aunt, not her father,

事實上，我是她的阿姨， 不是她的爸爸嗎？

and that she should be more careful

並且說，她應該更加留心，

and not to jump to gender conclusions based on haircuts and shoulder rides --

不要根據髮型以及把小孩扛在肩上這種事 拿來判定一個人的性別——

(Laughter) --

（笑聲）

and while doing that,

且在做這件事的時候，

miss out on what was, to this point, the greatest moment of my niece's life.

錯過了在某種程度上， 對我外甥女來說是一生中最美好的時刻。

Or would I be an aunt?

或者讓我只是一個阿姨？

Would I brush off that comment, take a million pictures,

我可以忽略那句評論，照很多相片，

and not be distracted for an instant from the pure joy of that moment,

而絲毫不從那單純的歡樂中被打斷，

and by doing that,

但如果這麼做，

walk out with the shame that comes up for not standing up for myself,

我將帶著未為自己據理力爭的羞恥感， 走出店門。

especially in front of my niece.

尤其是，在我外甥女面前。

Who was I?

我到底是誰？

Which one was more important? Which role was more worth it?

到底哪一個比較重要？ 哪一個角色值得得多？

Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate?

我是一位阿姨嗎？ 或者我是一個倡導者？

And I had a split second to decide.

我只有一剎那的時間去決定。

We are taught right now

現在我們被教導

that we are living in a world of constant and increasing polarity.

我們生活在一個不斷極化、對立的世界，

It's so black and white, so us and them, so right and wrong.

就像黑與白，我們與他們，對與錯。

There is no middle, there is no gray, just polarity.

在這其中，沒有中間狀態， 沒有灰色地帶，只是對立。

Polarity is a state in which two ideas or opinions

對立指的是： 1. 一種兩個想法或觀點

are completely opposite from each other;

完全相反的狀態；

a diametrical opposition.

2. 截然相反的敵對。

Which side are you on?

你站在那一邊？

Are you unequivocally and without question antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty,

你真的是斬釘截鐵地 反對戰爭，讚成合法墮胎，反對死刑，

pro-gun regulation, proponent of open borders and pro-union?

主張槍支管制，主張開放邊境， 並且支持聯邦政府嗎？

Or, are you absolutely and uncompromisingly

或者，你又的確毫不含糊地

pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty,

主戰，反墮胎，主張死刑，

a believer that the Second Amendment is absolute,

認為政府應當允許公民持有並使用槍支，

anti-immigrant and pro-business?

反對移民並且親企業？

It's all or none, you're with us or against us.

是與否，支持我們與反對我們——

That is polarity.

這就是對立。

The problem with polarity and absolutes is that

對立化與絕對化的癥結，在於——

it eliminates the individuality of our human experience

它忽略了我們的人生閱歷所帶來的個人特點，

and that makes it contradictory to our human nature.

也與人性相違背。

But if we are pulled in these two directions,

我們或許在對立中不知所措，

but it's not really where we exist --

但，對立的世界並不真的是我們所存在的世界——

polarity is not our actual reality --

現實並不總是對立的——

where do we go from there?

我們由現實去向何方？

What's at the other end of that spectrum?

而在另一個極端的，又是什麼？

I don't think it's an unattainable, harmonious utopia,

我不認為這是一個達不到的和諧烏托邦，

我認為對立的反面是二元性。

I think the opposite of polarity is duality.

Duality is a state of having two parts,

二元性是： 1. 一種雙重性的狀態，

but not in diametrical opposition,

但不是針鋒相對。

in simultaneous existence.

2. 同時存在。

Don't think it's possible?

你難道不認為那是可能的嗎？

Here are the people I know:

就提我所知道的一些人為例：

I know Catholics who are pro-choice, and feminists who wear hijabs,

我認識提倡墮胎合法的天主教徒， 戴頭巾的女權主義者

and veterans who are antiwar,

反戰的退伍軍人，

and NRA members who think I should be able to get married.

以及那些認為我應該能結婚的全國步槍協會 （其反對強制限制）的工作人員。

Those are the people I know, those are my friends and family,

那些是我認識的人， 那些是我的朋友和家人。

那是我們社會的大多數， 那是你，那是我。

that is the majority of our society, that is you, that is me.

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Duality is the ability to hold both things.

二元性是一種能夠包容兩種事物的能力。

But the question is: Can we own our duality?

但問題是：我們能擁有屬於我們的二元性嗎？

Can we have the courage to hold both things?

我們有能夠包容兩種事物的勇氣嗎？

I work at a restaurant in town,

我在鎮上的一家餐廳上班，

I became really good friends with the busser.

我與服務員助理成了很要好的朋友。

I was a server and we had a great relationship,

而我是一個服務員，我們關係很好。

we had a really great time together.

我們在一起度過了非常美好的時光。

Her Spanish was great

她的西班牙語很好，

because she was from Mexico.

因為她來自墨西哥 （墨西哥官方語言為西班牙語）。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

That line actually went the other way.

看來這句話實際上起了反效果。

Her English was limited, but significantly better than my Spanish.

她的英語有限，但明顯比我的西班牙語強啊！

But we were united by our similarities,

但我們因為我們的相似性而合作無間，

not separated by our differences.

而不會因為我們的不同而分離。

And we were close, even though we came from very different worlds.

即使我們來自非常不同的世界，我們仍很親近。

She was from Mexico,

她來自墨西哥，

she left her family behind so she could come here

她離開了她的家庭， 是為了能來這裡工作，

and afford them a better life back home.

補貼家用，讓他們在家能過上更好的生活。

She was a devout conservative Catholic,

她是個虔誠的天主教徒，

a believer in traditional family values,

那種深信傳統家庭價值觀、

stereotypical roles of men and women,

傳統性別角色的人，

and I was, well, me.

而我是，呃，還是我。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But the things that bonded us were when she asked about my girlfriend,

但讓我們結合的東西是 她打聽我的女朋友的時刻，

or she shared pictures that she had from her family back home.

或者是她分享了來自她家裡的照片。

Those were the things that brought us together.

就是那些東西讓我們更接近彼此。

So one day, we were in the back,

所以有一天， 我們在儲藏室，

scarfing down food as quickly as we could, gathered around a small table,

聚在一塊小桌旁， 盡我們所能狼吞虎嚥地吃，

during a very rare lull,

在罕見的平靜中，

and a new guy from the kitchen came over --

一個新來的傢伙從廚房裡過來了——

who happened to be her cousin --

那人碰巧是她堂弟——

and sat down with all the bravado and machismo

帶著20歲的他所能表現出來的 虛張聲勢以及男子氣概

that his 20-year-old body could hold.

坐下了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And he said to her, [in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?"

他對她說： “（西語）阿什有男朋友嗎？”

And she said, [in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend."

她回答： “（西語）不，她有一個女朋友。”

And he said, [in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?"

他又說： “（西語）一個，女朋友？！”

And she set down her fork, and locked eyes with him,

她放下了她的餐叉， 盯著他的眼睛說：

and said, [in Spanish] "Yes, a girlfriend. That is all."

“（西語）是的。一個女朋友。就是這樣。”

And his smug smile quickly dropped to one of maternal respect,

他那自命不凡的微笑很快就變成了 那種對母親的尊重的笑容。

grabbed his plate, walked off, went back to work.

他抓著他的盤子走開了， 又回去工作。

She never made eye contact with me.

她說這話時對我從沒有眼神接觸。

She left, did the same thing --

她也走了，做著同樣的事——

it was a 10-second conversation, such a short interaction.

這是一次十秒鐘的談話， 如此短的互動。

And on paper, she had so much more in common with him:

理論上，她和他多的是相似之處：

language, culture, history, family, her community was her lifeline here,

語言、文化、歷史、家庭， 甚至她的社區，是她在這裡的生命線，

but her moral compass trumped all of that.

但她道德羅盤所指引的，卻勝過所有。

And a little bit later, they were joking around in the kitchen in Spanish,

過了一會，他們又在廚房裡用西班牙語

that had nothing to do with me,

開著那些和我無關的玩笑，

and that is duality.

這，就是二元性。

She didn't have to choose some P.C. stance on gayness over her heritage.

她不必為了選擇站在同性戀立場 而捨棄了她的傳承。

She didn't have to choose her family over our friendship.

她不必為了選擇她的家庭 而捨棄我們的友誼。

It wasn't Jesus or Ash.

這不是耶穌或者阿什。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Her individual morality was so strongly rooted

她的個人道德觀念是如此根深蒂固，

that she had the courage to hold both things.

讓她有能包容兩件事物的勇氣。

Our moral integrity is our responsibility

維持我們道德的完整性，是我們的責任，

and we must be prepared to defend it even when it's not convenient.

我們為了保護它必須做好準備， 即使是在困難的時候。

That's what it means to be an ally, and if you're going to be an ally,

這就是成為一名支持者的意義， 如果你要成為一名支持者，

you have to be an active ally:

你只能是一個活躍的支持者：

提出問題，在聽到不適當的話語時行動，

Ask questions, act when you hear something inappropriate,

actually engage.

全心全意的投入。

I had a family friend who for years used to call my girlfriend my lover.

我有一個家人的朋友， 她幾年來都習慣叫我的女朋友 “我的愛人”。

Really? Lover?

真的嗎？愛人？

So overly sexual,

這過度性感，

so '70s gay porn.

就像是70年代的同性戀色情。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But she was trying, and she asked.

但她在嘗試，她也問過了。

She could have called her my friend,

她本可以叫我的女朋友 “我的朋友”，

or my "friend," or my "special friend" --

或者 “朋友”，或者 “摯友”——

(Laughter) --

（笑聲）

or even worse, just not asked at all.

或者更糟，根本都不問。

Believe me, we would rather have you ask.

相信我吧，我們寧可你問。

I would rather have her say lover, than say nothing at all.

比起什麼也不說，我寧可讓她說“愛人”。

People often say to me, "Well, Ash, I don't care.

人們經常對我說，“好吧，阿什，我其實不在乎。

I don't see race or religion or sexuality.

我並不關心人種、宗教或者性別之類的。

It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."

這些跟我沒關係。我不在意它們。”

But I think the opposite of homophobia and racism and xenophobia is not love,

但我認為，對同性戀的憎惡、 種族主義以及仇外主義的反面並不是愛，

it's apathy.

是冷漠。

If you don't see my gayness, then you don't see me.

如果你並不在意我是同性戀者， 那麼你也不會在意我。

If it doesn't matter to you who I sleep with,

如果對你來說我和誰睡覺並不重要，

then you cannot imagine what it feels like

那麼你也無法想像那種

when I walk down the street late at night holding her hand,

當我在深夜裡牽著她的手走在街上的感覺，

and approach a group of people and have to make the decision

尤其在接近一群人時， 做出決定

if I should hang on to it or if I should I drop it

看是要繼續牽著，還是要放手

when all I want to do is squeeze it tighter.

而我其實只想握得更緊；

And the small victory I feel

以及我不必再放手時

when I make it by and don't have to let go.

所感受到的小小勝利。

And the incredible cowardice and disappointment I feel when I drop it.

以及當我放手的時候所感到 那令人難以置信的懦弱和失望。

If you do not see that struggle

如果你看不出那些掙扎，

that is unique to my human experience because I am gay, then you don't see me.

它是屬於我獨一無二的經驗，因為我是同性戀者——那麼你也不會看到我。

If you are going to be an ally, I need you to see me.

如果你想成為一個盟友， 我需要你在意我、看到我。

As individuals, as allies, as humans,

作為個體，作為夥伴，作為人類，

we need to be able to hold both things:

我們需要能夠包容兩件事：

both the good and the bad,

好與壞，

the easy and the hard.

難和易。

You don't learn how to hold two things just from the fluff,

你從順境中是學不會如何包容兩件事的，

you learn it from the grit.

你是從磨練中學到它的。

And what if duality is just the first step?

再說，如果二元性還只是第一步？

What if through compassion and empathy and human interaction

如果通過同情心與惻隱之心以及人際互動

we are able to learn to hold two things?

我們就能夠學會包容兩件事呢？

And if we can hold two things, we can hold four,

而且如果我們能包容兩件事物， 那我們同樣也能包容四件。

and if we can hold four, we can hold eight,

如果我們能包容四件事物， 那我們同樣也能包容八件。

and if we can hold eight, we can hold hundreds.

如果我們能包容八件事物， 那我們同樣也能包容成百上千件事物。

We are complex individuals,

我們是多元化的個體，

swirls of contradiction.

矛盾的漩渦。

You are all holding so many things right now.

你們現在已經包容了很多事情。

What can you do to hold just a few more?

為了能夠多包容一點， 你還能做些什麼？

So, back to Toledo, Ohio.

那麼，回到俄亥俄州的托萊多市。

I'm at the front of the line,

我在那條隊伍前，

niece on my shoulders, the frazzled clerk calls me Dad.

肩上扛著外甥女， 疲憊的店員稱我為父親。

Have you ever been mistaken for the wrong gender?

你曾經被認錯性別嗎？

甚至不只是這樣，

Not even that.

Have you ever been called something you are not?

你曾經被人誤稱嗎？

Here's what it feels like for me:

這就是我的感受：

我立刻被捲入由相斥的情感 混雜而成的風暴中。

I am instantly an internal storm of contrasting emotions.

I break out into a sweat that is a combination of rage and humiliation,

我因憤怒與屈辱而出了一身的熱汗。

I feel like the entire store is staring at me,

我覺得整間商店都在盯著我看。

and I simultaneously feel invisible.

同時我感覺不被看見。

I want to explode in a tirade of fury,

我想在千言萬語的憤怒中爆發，

and I want to crawl under a rock.

我想鑽到地洞裡去。

And top all of that off with the frustration that I'm wearing

但最令人沮喪的是：我特意穿了

an out-of-character tight-fitting purple t-shirt,

一件不相稱的緊身紫色T恤， 好讓這整個商店的人

so this whole store can see my boobs,

都可以看到我的胸部。

to make sure this exact same thing doesn't happen.

來確保這種認錯性別的事不會發生。

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

But, despite my best efforts to be seen as the gender I am,

但是，雖盡了我的最大努力 讓別人認清我的性別，

it still happens.

這種事仍然發生了。

And I hope with every ounce of my body that no one heard --

我希望我身體不被人聽到的一點一滴——

not my sister, not my girlfriend, and certainly not my niece.

不是我的姐妹，我的女朋友， 當然更不是我的外甥女。

I am accustomed to this familiar hurt,

我已習慣這種熟悉的傷害，

but I will do whatever I need to do to protect the people I love from it.

但我會盡我所能去 保護我所愛的人不受這種傷害。

But then I take my niece off my shoulders,

但接下來我把我的外甥女從肩頭放下，

and she runs to Elsa and Anna --

她朝艾莎和安娜跑去——

the thing she's been waiting so long for --

那是她等了那麼久所期待的——

and all that stuff goes away.

但一切的一切都遠離了我。

All that matters is the smile on her face.

她臉上的微笑，付出一切都值得。

And as the 30 seconds we waited two and a half hours for comes to a close

我們為那30秒等了兩個半小時 也即將結束時，

we gather up our things, and I lock eyes with the clerk again;

我們收拾我們的東西， 而且我再一次盯著那位店員；

and she gives me an apologetic smile and mouths,

她給了我一個歉意的微笑， 並且不出聲地說：

"I am so sorry!"

“我實在很抱歉！”

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And her humanity, her willingness to admit her mistake disarms me immediately,

她的人性化，她的勇於承認錯誤 立刻瓦解了我。

then I give her a: "It's okay, it happens. But thanks."

然後我對她說： “沒關係，偶爾會發生，但謝謝。”

And I realize in that moment

在那個時刻我意識到

that I don't have to be

我沒有必要

either an aunt or an advocate, I can be both.

只能選擇當阿姨或倡導者， 我能同時扮演兩個角色。

I can live in duality, and I can hold two things.

我能二元性地生活， 並且我能包容兩件事物。

And if I can hold two things in that environment,

並且如果我能在那種情境中 包容兩件事物，

I can hold so many more things.

那麼我能包容更多的事物。

As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands and skip out the front of the door,

當我的女朋友和我的外甥女牽著手，溜出前門時，

I turn to my sister and say, "Was it worth it?"

我朝著我的姊妹說： “這值得嗎？”

And she said, "Are you kidding me?

她回答：“你在開玩笑嗎？

Did you see the look on her face? This was the greatest day of her life!"

你看到她臉上的樣子了嗎？ 這是她生命中最棒的一天！“

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"It was worth the two and a half hours in the heat,

”這兩個半小時在炎熱中的等待是值得的，

it was worth the overpriced coloring book that we already had a copy of."

甚至是那本我們已經擁有的 超貴彩色畫冊也是值得的。”

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"It was even worth you getting called Dad."

“你被叫做‘爸爸’同樣也是值得的。”

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And for the first time ever in my life, it actually was.

這是我生命中的第一次，它真的是值得的。

Thank you, Boulder. Have a good night.

謝謝大家，謝謝 TEDxBoulder，晚安。

(Applause)

（掌聲）