How I unlearned dangerous lessons about masculinity | Eldra Jackson

Translator: Doris Mangalu Reviewer: Nelson Simfukwe

Big boys don't cry.

Wavulana wakubwa hawalii.

Suck it up.

Imezee.

Shut up and rub some dirt on it.

Kaa kimya na ufutie vumbi juu yake.

Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.

Acha kulia kabla sijakupa kitu cha kulilia.

These are just a few of the phrases

Hizi ni baadhi tu ya vishazi

that contribute to a disease in our society,

vinavyochangia kwenye ugonjwa ndani ya jamii yetu,

and more specifically, in our men.

na hasa zaidi, kwa wanaume wetu.

It's a disease that has come to be known as "toxic masculinity."

Ni ugonjwa uliokuja kujulikana kama "sumu ya uwanaume."

It's one I suffered a chronic case of,

Ni moja niliyoteseka kwa kesi sugu,

so much so that I spent 24 years of a life sentence in prison

kiasi kwamba nilitumia miaka 24 ya kifungo cha maisha gerezani

for kidnapping, robbery, and attempted murder.

kwa utekaji nyara, wizi, na jaribio la mauaji.

Yet I'm here to tell you today that there's a solution for this epidemic.

Bado nipo hapa kuwaambia leo kuwa kuna suluhisho la hili janga.

I know for a fact the solution works, because I was a part of human trials.

Najua suluhisho linafanya kazi kwa sababu nilikua kwenye majaribio ya binadamu.

The solution is a mixture of elements.

Suluhisho ni mchanganyiko wa mambo.

It begins with the willingness to look at your belief system

Inaanza na nia ya kuangalia mfumo wa imani yako

and how out of alignment it is

na jinsi imetoka nje ya mpangilio

and how your actions negatively impact not just yourself,

na jinsi matendo yako yana athari za hasi sio tu kwako,

but the people around you.

na pia watu wanaokuzunguka.

The next ingredient is the willingness to be vulnerable with people

Sehemu inayofuata ni nia ya kukabiliwa na watu

who would not just support you, but hold you accountable.

ambao hawatakusaidia tu, bali watakufanya uwajibike.

But before I tell you about this,

Ila kabla sijakuambia kuhusu hili,

I need to let you know that in order to share this,

Ninahitaji kukujulisha kua ili niwashirikishe hili,

I have to bare my soul in full.

ninatakiwa kufunua roho yangu kikamilifu.

And as I stand here,

Na ninaposimama hapa,

with so many eyes fixed on me,

na macho mengi yakiniangalia,

I feel raw and naked.

najisikia mbichi na mtupu.

When this feeling is present,

Pale hisia hii inapokuwepo,

I'm confident that the next phase of healing is on the horizon,

ninajiamini kua hatua ijayo ya uponyaji inawadia,

and that allows me to share my story in full.

na inaniruhusu kushirikisha hadithi kikamilifu.

For all appearances' sake, I was born into the ideal family dynamic:

Kwa ajili ya muonekano wote, nilizaliwa kwenye familia ya hali bora:

mother, father, sister, brother.

mama, baba, dada, kaka.

Bertha, Eldra Jr., Taydama and Eldra III.

Bertha, Eldra mdogo, Taydama na Eldra wa tatu.

That's me.

Huyo ni mimi.

My father was a Vietnam veteran who earned a Purple Heart

Baba yangu alikua mwanajeshi wa Vietnam mwenye Moyo wa Zambarau

and made it home to find love, marry, and begin his own brood.

na kurudi nyumbani kupata upendo, kuoa, na kuanzisha kizazi chake.

So how did I wind up serving life in the California prison system?

Sasa niliishiaje kutumikia maisha kwenye gereza la California?

Keeping secrets,

Kutunza siri,

believing the mantra that big boys don't cry,

kuamini mantra kua wavulana wakubwa hawalii,

not knowing how to display any emotion confidently other than anger,

kutokujua jinsi ya kuonyesha hisia yoyote kwa ujasiri zaidi ya hasira,

participating in athletics

kushiriki kwenye riadha

and learning that the greater the performance on the field,

na kujifunza kua ukubwa wa utendaji uwanjani,

the less the need to worry about the rules off it.

udogo wa hitaji la kua na wasiwasi juu ya kanuni zake.

It's hard to pin down any one specific ingredient

Ni ngumu kuwekea msumari sehemu moja maalumu

of the many symptoms that ailed me.

ya dalili nyingi zilizoniuguza.

Growing up as a young black male in Sacramento, California in the 1980s,

Nikikua kama kijana mweusi wa kiume Sacramento, California miaka ya 1980.

there were two groups I identified as having respect:

kulikua na makundi mawili niliyoyatambua kua na heshima:

athletes and gangsters.

wanamichezo na majambazi.

I excelled in sports,

Nilishinda kwenye michezo,

that is until a friend and I chose to take his mom's car for a joyride and wreck it.

mpaka rafiki yangu alipouchukua gari la mama yake na kuliendesha na kuliharibu.

With my parents having to split the cost of a totaled vehicle,

Na wazazi wangu wakigawanya gharama za gari lililoharibika,

I was relegated to a summer of household chores and no sports.

nilitelekezwa kwenye likizo ya kazi za nyumbani na bila michezo.

No sports meant no respect.

Bila michezo ilimaanisha bila heshima.

No respect equaled no power.

Bila heshima ni sawa na bila nguvu.

Power was vital to feed my illness.

Nguvu ilikua muhimu kulisha ugonjwa wangu.

It was at that point the decision to transition from athlete to gangster

Ilikua kwenye hatua hiyo uamuzi wa kubadilika kutoka mwanamichezo kuwa jambazi

was made and done so easily.

ulifanywa na kukamilika kirahisi sana.

Early life experiences had set the stage for me to be well-suited

Uzoefu wa maisha wa mapema uliweka jukwaa kwa mimi kufaa sana

to objectify others,

kushusha hadhi za wengine,

act in a socially detached manner,

kuwa na tabia inayojitenga kijamii,

and above all else, seek to be viewed as in a position of power.

na zaidi ya yote, kutafuta kuonekana kwenye sehemu ya nguvu.

A sense of power

Hisia ya nguvu

(Sighs)

(Akiguna)

equaled strength in my environment,

nguvu sawa kwenye mazingira yangu,

but more importantly, it did so in my mind.

muhimu zaidi, ilifanya hivyo kweye akili yangu.

My mind dictated my choices.

Akili yangu iliamuru maamuzi yangu.

My subsequent choices put me on the fast track to prison life.

Maamuzi ya baadae yaliniweka kwenye njia ya haraka ya maisha gerezani.

And even once in prison, I continued my history

Na hata nilivyokuwa gerezani, niliendelea na historia yangu

of running over the rights of others,

ya kuponda haki za wengine,

even knowing that that was the place that I would die.

hata kujua kua hiyo ni sehemu ambayo ningeweza kufa.

Once again, I wound up in solitary confinement

Mara nyingine, nikaishia kwenye kifungo cha upweke

for stabbing another prisoner nearly 30 times.

kwa kumchoma mfungwa mwingine karibia mara 30.

I'd gotten to a place where I didn't care how I lived or if I died.

Nilifikia sehemu ambapo sikujali jinsi nilivyoishi au kama ningekufa.

But then, things changed.

Lakini, vitu vikabadilika.

One of the best things that happened in my life to that point

Moja ya vitu bora vilivyotokea kwa hatua hiyo ya maisha yangu

was being sent to New Folsom Prison.

ilikuwa kupelekwa kwenye gereza la New Folsom.

Once there, I was approached to join a group called Inside Circle.

Nilipokua pale, nilifatwa kujiunga kikundi kiitwacho Duara la Ndani.

Initially, I was hesitant to join a group referred to around the yard

Mwanzoni nilisita kujiunga na kundi linalojulikana maeneno ya uga

as "hug-a-thug."

kama "mkumbatie-mhuni."

(Laughter)

(Kicheko)

Initially, yeah, that was a little much,

Mwanzoni, kweli, ilikuwa imezidi kidogo,

but eventually, I overcame my hesitancy.

lakini hatimaye, nikashinda usitaji wangu.

As it turned out, the circle was the vision of a man named Patrick Nolan,

Kama ilivyoonekana, duara lilikuwa ndoto ya mtu mmoja aitwae Patrick Nolan,

who was also serving life

ambae pia alikuwa anatumikia maisha

and who had grown sick and tired of being sick and tired

na ambae alikuwa amechoshwa na kuchoka

of watching us kill one another

kutuona sisi tukiuana wenyewe

over skin color,

juu ya rangi ya ngozi,

rag color,

rangi ya tambara,

being from Northern or Southern California,

kutokea Kaskazini au Kusini mwa California,

or just plain breathing in the wrong direction on a windy day.

au tu kuhema kwa wazi kwenye muelekeo mbaya siku yenye upepo.

Circle time is men sitting with men

Muda wa duara ni wanaume kukaa na wanaume

and cutting through the bullshit,

na kukata kati kwenye upuuzi,

challenging structural ways of thinking.

kushindanisha njia za mifumo ya kufikiri.

I think the way that I think

Ninafikiri jinsi ninavyofikiri

and I act the way that I act

na ninatenda jinsi ninavyotenda

because I hadn't questioned that.

kwa sababu sijajiuliza hilo.

Like, who said I should see a woman walking down the street,

Kama, nani kasema ninapomuona mwanamke akitembea mtaani,

turn around and check out her backside?

nigeuke na kuangalia makalio yake?

Where did that come from?

Hiyo imetokea wapi?

If I don't question that, I'll just go along with the crowd.

Kama nisipouliza hilo, nitafuata tu mkumbo.

The locker-room talk.

Misemo ya chumba cha kubadilisha.

In circle, we sit and we question these things.

Kwenye duara, tunakaa na kuuliza haya mambo.

Why do I think the way that I think?

Kwanini ninafikiri jinsi ninavyofikiri?

Why do I act the way that I act?

Kwanini ninatenda jinsi ninavyotenda?

Because when I get down to it, I'm not thinking,

Kwa sababu ninapoangalia kwa umakini, sifikirii,

I'm not being an individual,

siwi kama mtu binafsi,

I'm not taking responsibility for who I am

sichukui wajibu wa mimi ni nani

and what it is I put into this world.

na ni nini ninachoweka kwenye hii dunia.

It was in a circle session that my life took a turn.

Ilikua kwenye kipindi cha duara ambapo maisha yangu yaligeuka.

I remember being asked who I was,

Nakumbuka kuulizwa mimi ni nani,

and I didn't have an answer,

na sikuwa najibu,

at least not one that felt honest

angalau hata moja lililokuwa kweli

in a room full of men who were seeking truth.

kwenye chumba kilichojaa wanaume waliokuwa wakitafuta ukweli.

It would have been easy to say,

Ingekua rahisi kusema,

"I'm a Blood,"

"Mimi ni Mwanakundi,"

or, "My name is Vegas,"

au, "Jina langu ni Vegas,"

or any number of facades I had manufactured to hide behind.

au idadi yeyote ya ngao nilizotengeneza kujifichia.

It was in that moment and in that venue that the jig was up.

Ilikua kwenye huo muda na hiyo sehemu ambapo ngoma ilipoisha.

I realized that as sharp as I believed I was,

Niligundua kuwa kadri nilivyoamini nilikua mkali,

I didn't even know who I was

nilikua hata sijui nilikua nani

or why I acted the way that I acted.

au kwanini nilitenda jinsi nilivyotenda.

I couldn't stand in a room full of men who were seeking to serve and support

Sikuweza kusimama kwenye chumba kilichojaa wanaume waliotaka kuhudumia na kusaidia

and present an authentic me.

na kuwasilisha mimi niliye halisi.

It was in that moment that I graduated to a place within

Ilikuwa kwenye huo mda nilipohitimu kwenye sehemu ya ndani

that was ready for transformation.

ambayo ilikua tayari kwa mabadiliko.

For decades,

Kwa miongo,

I kept being the victim of molestation at the hands of a babysitter a secret.

niliweka kuwa muathirika wa ubakaji kwenye mikono ya yaya kama siri.

I submitted to this under the threat of my younger sister being harmed.

Nilitii kwa hili chini ya tishio la mdogo wangu wa kike kuumizwa.

I was seven, she was three.

Nilikua na miaka saba, alikua na mitatu.

I believed it was my responsibility to keep her safe.

Ninaamini ilikua wajibu wangu kumweka salama.

It was in that instant

Ilikuwa papo hapo

that the seeds were sown for a long career of hurting others,

kuwa mbegu zilipopandwa kwa kazi ndefu ya kuumiza wengine

be it physical, mental or emotional.

iwe kimwili, kiakili au kihisia.

I developed, in that instant,

Nilitengeneza kwa mara moja,

at seven years old,

katika miaka saba,

the belief that going forward in life,

imani ya kuendelea mbele na maisha,

if a situation presented itself where someone was going to get hurt,

kama hali ilijiwasilisha yenyewe ambapo mtu angeenda kuumia,

I would be the one doing the hurting.

ingekua ni mimi wa kuumiza.

I also formulated the belief that loving put me in harm's way.

Niliunda pia imani kuwa kupenda kuliniweka kwenye njia ya madhara.

I also learned that caring about another person made me weak.

Nilijifunza pia kujali kuhusu mtu mwingine kulinifanya niwe dhaifu.

So not caring, that must equal strength.

Hivyo kutokujali, lazima iwe sawa na nguvu.

The greatest way to mask a shaky sense of self

Njia kuu ya kufunika hisia binafsi zisizo imara

is to hide behind a false air of respect.

ni kuwa nyuma ya hewa ya uongo ya heshima.

Sitting in circle resembles sitting in a fire.

Kukaa kwenye duara kunafanana na kukaa kwenye moto.

It is a crucible that can and does break.

Ni chombo ambacho kinaweza na kinavunjika.

It broke my old sense of self,

Ilivunja hisia zangu binafsi za zamani,

diseased value system

mfumo wa thamani wenye ugonjwa

and way of looking at others.

na namna ya kuangalia wengine.

My old stale modes of thinking were invited into the open

Njia zangu za kizamani na zilizokauka za kufikiri zilikaribishwa kwenye uwazi

to see if this is who I wanted to be in life.

kuona kama hivi ndivyo nilivyotaka kuwa maishani.

I was accompanied by skilled facilitators

Nilifuatana na wawezeshaji wenye ujuzi

on a journey into the depths of myself

kwenye safari ya kina cha mimi mwenyewe

to find those wounded parts that not only festered

kutafuta hizo sehemu zilizojeruhiwa ambazo hazikuweka tu jipu

but seeped out to create unsafe space for others.

ila pia zilitiririka nje kuumba sehemu isiyo salama kwa wengine.

At times, it resembled an exorcism,

Mara nyingine, ilifanana kama zinguo,

and in essence, it was.

na kimsingi, ilikuwa hivyo.

There was an extraction of old, diseased ways of thinking,

Kulikua na utoaji wa njia za zamani, zenye ugonjwa wa kufikiri,

being and reacting

kuwa na kuguswa

and an infusion of purpose.

na upenyezaji wa madhumuni.

Sitting in those circles saved my life.

Kuwa kwenye duara kuliokoa maisha yangu.

I stand here today as a testament to the fact of the power of the work.

Nasimama hapa leo kama ushahidi wa ukweli wa nguvu ya hiyo kazi.

I was paroled in June 2014,

Nilitoka gerezani kwa masharti Juni 2014,

following my third hearing before a panel of former law-enforcement officials

kufuatia usikilizaji kesi wa tatu na jopo la maafisa wa utekelezaji sheria wa zamani

who were tasked with determining my current threat level to society.

ambao walikua na kazi ya kuamua kiwango changu cha tishio kwenye jamii.

I stand here today for the first time since I was 14 years old

Nasimama hapa leo kwa mara ya kwanza tangu nilivyokuwa miaka 14

not under any form of state supervision.

nikiwa sipo chini ya namna yoyote ya usimamizi wa nchi

I'm married to a tremendous woman named Holly,

Nimemuoa mwanamke mkubwa aitwae Holly,

and together, we are raising two sons

na kwa pamoja, tunalea wavulana wawili

who I encourage to experience emotions in a safe way.

ambao ninawahamasisha kupata uzoefu wa hisia kwa njia salama.

I let them hold me when I cry.

Ninawaruhusu wanishike ninapolia.

They get to witness me not have all the answers.

Wanapata kunishuhudia mimi nisipokua na majibu yote.

My desire is for them to understand

Nina tamani kwa wao kuelewa

that being a man is not some machismo caricature,

kuwa kua mwanaume sio namna ya ugumu wa kibonzo.

and that characteristics usually defined as weaknesses

na kua tabia mara nyingi zinazofafanuliwa kama udhaifu

are parts of the whole healthy man.

ni sehemu za mwanaume mzima mwenye afya.

So today, I continue to work not just on myself,

Hivyo leo, naendelea kufanya kazi sio tu kwangu mwenyewe,

but in support of young males in my community.

ila kwenye kusaidia vijana wa kiume kwenye jamii yangu.

The challenge is to eradicate this cycle

Changamoto ni kutokomeza huu mzunguko

of emotional illiteracy and groupthink

wa ujinga wa hisia na wazokundi

that allows our males to continue to victimize others as well as themselves.

unaoruhusu vijana wetu kuendelea kuathiri wengine pamoja na wenyewe.

As a result of this,

Matokeo ya haya,

they develop new ways of how they want to show up in the world

wanaendeleza njia mpya za jinsi wanataka kutokea kwenye dunia

and how they expect this world to show up on their behalf.

na jinsi wanategemea hii dunia kutokea kwa niaba yao.

Thank you.

Asanteni.

(Applause)

(Makofi)