How I unlearned dangerous lessons about masculinity | Eldra Jackson

譯者: Ann Chen 審譯者: Carol Wang

Big boys don't cry.

男子漢有淚不輕彈。

Suck it up.

吞回去！

Shut up and rub some dirt on it.

閉上嘴，想辦法克服。

Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.

再哭哭啼啼的話，小心我揍你。

These are just a few of the phrases

上面的話只是幾個例子，

that contribute to a disease in our society,

這類字眼造成我們社會的一種病，

and more specifically, in our men.

特別是在男性社群中。

It's a disease that has come to be known as "toxic masculinity."

這種病就是眾所周知的 「毒性男子氣概」。

It's one I suffered a chronic case of,

我長期蒙受這種病害，

so much so that I spent 24 years of a life sentence in prison

致使我坐監服刑了 24 年，

for kidnapping, robbery, and attempted murder.

因為我綁架、搶劫及殺人未遂。

Yet I'm here to tell you today that there's a solution for this epidemic.

但今天我在這裡要告訴各位， 這種流行病有解藥。

I know for a fact the solution works, because I was a part of human trials.

我之所以知道這解藥有效， 是因為我是該人體實驗的一份子。

The solution is a mixture of elements.

這解藥是多種元素的混合體。

It begins with the willingness to look at your belief system

首先你要願意檢視自己的信念，

and how out of alignment it is

檢視信念偏離正軌的程度，

and how your actions negatively impact not just yourself,

以及檢視你的行為如何負面地 不只影響你自己，

but the people around you.

還殃及你周遭的人。

The next ingredient is the willingness to be vulnerable with people

這解藥的下個成分是， 在支持你且要求你負責任的人面前，

who would not just support you, but hold you accountable.

你願意展示自己脆弱的一面。

But before I tell you about this,

但在我告訴各位這些之前，

I need to let you know that in order to share this,

我需要讓各位知道， 為了分享這個，

I have to bare my soul in full.

我必須完全袒露自己的心靈。

And as I stand here,

當我站在這裡，

with so many eyes fixed on me,

如此多雙眼睛注視著我，

I feel raw and naked.

我感到赤身露體。

When this feeling is present,

當有這種感覺時，

I'm confident that the next phase of healing is on the horizon,

我很自信下個復原階段即將發生，

and that allows me to share my story in full.

我才能和各位分享我全部的故事。

For all appearances' sake, I was born into the ideal family dynamic:

從表面看，我出生於 家人互動美好的家庭：

mother, father, sister, brother.

有母親、父親、姐姐、哥哥、

Bertha, Eldra Jr., Taydama and Eldra III.

伯莎、小艾爾達、泰達瑪、埃爾德拉三世，

That's me.

那就是我。

My father was a Vietnam veteran who earned a Purple Heart

我父親是得過紫心勳章的 越戰退伍軍人，

and made it home to find love, marry, and begin his own brood.

回到家找到愛、結婚， 建立了自己的小家庭。

So how did I wind up serving life in the California prison system?

而我是怎麼會 進入加州的監獄服刑呢？

Keeping secrets,

保守秘密、

believing the mantra that big boys don't cry,

相信男子漢有淚不輕彈的口號、

not knowing how to display any emotion confidently other than anger,

participating in athletics

我參與體育運動，

and learning that the greater the performance on the field,

了解到在運動場上表現越好，

the less the need to worry about the rules off it.

就越不需要擔心場外的規則。

It's hard to pin down any one specific ingredient

在眾多症狀中，

很難確定是哪個特殊因素困擾了我。

of the many symptoms that ailed me.

Growing up as a young black male in Sacramento, California in the 1980s,

我是在 1980 年代，於加州沙加緬度市 成長的年輕黑人男性，

there were two groups I identified as having respect:

我發現有兩群人受到尊敬：

athletes and gangsters.

運動員和幫派份子。

I excelled in sports,

我在運動方面很出色，

that is until a friend and I chose to take his mom's car for a joyride and wreck it.

直到我和朋友偷開他母親的車子， 飆速兜風而撞毀了它。

With my parents having to split the cost of a totaled vehicle,

因為我父母必須分擔 被毀車子的費用，

I was relegated to a summer of household chores and no sports.

我被分派做了一個暑假的家務， 而且不准運動。

No sports meant no respect.

無運動即無尊敬，

No respect equaled no power.

無尊敬即無權力，

Power was vital to feed my illness.

對我的「有毒男子氣概」病來說， 權力顯得尤其至關重要。

It was at that point the decision to transition from athlete to gangster

就在這節骨眼， 我決定從運動員轉為幫派份子，

was made and done so easily.

而且很容易就辦到了。

Early life experiences had set the stage for me to be well-suited

早期的生活經驗讓我很容易

to objectify others,

將他人視為物品，

act in a socially detached manner,

用與社會脫節的方式行事，

and above all else, seek to be viewed as in a position of power.

而且最重要的是 找尋被視為權力的地位。

A sense of power

權力的感覺

(Sighs)

（嘆息聲）

equaled strength in my environment,

在我生活環境中就等於權勢，

but more importantly, it did so in my mind.

但更重要的是 在我心中也是這麼想。

My mind dictated my choices.

我的想法主宰了我的選擇，

My subsequent choices put me on the fast track to prison life.

我之後的各種選擇 將我快速地送進監獄生活。

And even once in prison, I continued my history

而且甚至入監服刑， 我仍延續過去所作所為

of running over the rights of others,

傾軋別人的權利，

even knowing that that was the place that I would die.

即使明知我可能會死在那裡。

Once again, I wound up in solitary confinement

再次，我被單獨拘禁，

for stabbing another prisoner nearly 30 times.

因為捅了另一位犯人將近 30 刀。

I'd gotten to a place where I didn't care how I lived or if I died.

我已走到我不在乎 如何活或是否會死的地步。

But then, things changed.

但接著，事情有了變化。

One of the best things that happened in my life to that point

從我有生以來，發生最好的事之一

was being sent to New Folsom Prison.

就是被送到新佛森監獄。

Once there, I was approached to join a group called Inside Circle.

一到那兒，我被找去 加入一個「內省圈」的團體。

Initially, I was hesitant to join a group referred to around the yard

剛開始，我猶豫 是否要加入被囚犯稱為

as "hug-a-thug."

「擁抱一個暴徒」的團體。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Initially, yeah, that was a little much,

一開始，是啊，有一點太過了。

but eventually, I overcame my hesitancy.

但最後，我克服了我的猶豫。

As it turned out, the circle was the vision of a man named Patrick Nolan,

事實上，這個內省圈 是位名叫帕特里克·諾蘭的構想，

who was also serving life

他也在服刑，

and who had grown sick and tired of being sick and tired

他已經厭倦、也受夠了 看著我們互相殘殺，

of watching us kill one another

over skin color,

而殘殺只因為我們的膚色、

rag color,

衣服顏色、

being from Northern or Southern California,

來自加州北方或南方，

or just plain breathing in the wrong direction on a windy day.

或只是在一個有風的日子 朝著錯誤的方向呼吸。

Circle time is men sitting with men

聚會時間男男比肩而坐，

and cutting through the bullshit,

撇開胡扯廢話，

challenging structural ways of thinking.

直接質疑結構思維方式。

I think the way that I think

我用我的想法來思考，

and I act the way that I act

我依我的作風來行事，

because I hadn't questioned that.

因為我從沒對此懷疑過。

Like, who said I should see a woman walking down the street,

例如，誰說看一個女生走在路上時，

turn around and check out her backside?

我應該轉頭看她的屁股？

Where did that come from?

這是從那裡開始的？

If I don't question that, I'll just go along with the crowd.

假如我不去質疑， 我就只會從眾行事，

The locker-room talk.

說些下流粗俗的話。

In circle, we sit and we question these things.

我們圍成圓圈坐著，質疑那些事。

Why do I think the way that I think?

為什麼我會那樣想？

Why do I act the way that I act?

為什麼我會那樣做？

Because when I get down to it, I'm not thinking,

因為當我執著於此， 我就根本沒有在思考。

I'm not being an individual,

我不是一個個體，

I'm not taking responsibility for who I am

我沒有為我是什麼樣的人，

and what it is I put into this world.

及對世界有什麼貢獻而負責。

It was in a circle session that my life took a turn.

一次自省會扭轉了我的生命，

I remember being asked who I was,

我記得被問到我是誰，

and I didn't have an answer,

我沒有答案。

at least not one that felt honest

在這個坐滿追求真理的男人的房間裡，

in a room full of men who were seeking truth.

沒有一個答案感覺是真的。

It would have been easy to say,

本來這應該很容易說出來，

"I'm a Blood,"

「我是熱血的人。」

or, "My name is Vegas,"

或「我的名字是維加斯。」

or any number of facades I had manufactured to hide behind.

或我曾經做過許多的虛偽面具。

It was in that moment and in that venue that the jig was up.

就在那一刻、那個會場， 我整個被揭露了。

I realized that as sharp as I believed I was,

我發現雖然我覺得自己很聰明，

I didn't even know who I was

我甚至不知道我是誰，

or why I acted the way that I acted.

或為什麼我依我的作風來行事。

I couldn't stand in a room full of men who were seeking to serve and support

屋裡坐滿想要幫助我、 支持我找到真正自我的男人，

and present an authentic me.

我再也無法無動於衷了。

It was in that moment that I graduated to a place within

就在那時，我達到了一個

that was ready for transformation.

準備轉化的境界。

For decades,

數十年來，

I kept being the victim of molestation at the hands of a babysitter a secret.

我保守曾受到保姆性騷擾的秘密，

I submitted to this under the threat of my younger sister being harmed.

我是在我妹妹 會被傷害的威脅下屈服的。

I was seven, she was three.

那時我七歲、她三歲，

I believed it was my responsibility to keep her safe.

我堅信保護她的安全是我的責任，

It was in that instant

在那時候，

that the seeds were sown for a long career of hurting others,

種下了我長期傷害他人

be it physical, mental or emotional.

身體、心理或感情生涯的種子。

I developed, in that instant,

從那時候，

at seven years old,

就是七歲開始，

the belief that going forward in life,

我開始相信日後

if a situation presented itself where someone was going to get hurt,

在某人會被傷害的情況下，

I would be the one doing the hurting.

我將是那個執行傷害的人。

I also formulated the belief that loving put me in harm's way.

我還想出一個念頭， 愛會使我受傷害。

I also learned that caring about another person made me weak.

我還學到關心他人會使我軟弱，

So not caring, that must equal strength.

所以不關心就一定等於力量。

The greatest way to mask a shaky sense of self

掩飾不知道真實自我的最好方法

is to hide behind a false air of respect.

就是躲在尊敬的虛幻感覺後面。

Sitting in circle resembles sitting in a fire.

坐在自省會裡，就像坐在火中，

It is a crucible that can and does break.

它是一個真正會打開人心扉的熔爐。

It broke my old sense of self,

它打破了陳舊的自我、

diseased value system

病態的價值觀、

and way of looking at others.

以及審視他人的方式。

My old stale modes of thinking were invited into the open

我老舊的思考模式 被攤開來檢視

to see if this is who I wanted to be in life.

是否這就是我所要的人生。

I was accompanied by skilled facilitators

一路上，有熟練的引導員

on a journey into the depths of myself

陪同我作深度自省，

to find those wounded parts that not only festered

去尋找一些創傷， 這些傷口既潰爛又滲出，

but seeped out to create unsafe space for others.

因而導致別人活在不安全中。

At times, it resembled an exorcism,

有時，就像驅鬼除魔，

and in essence, it was.

而實質上它就是。

There was an extraction of old, diseased ways of thinking,

從身上取出陳舊思想、

being and reacting

行為及反應，

and an infusion of purpose.

並且注入人生的目的。

Sitting in those circles saved my life.

坐在自省會中拯救了我的生命。

I stand here today as a testament to the fact of the power of the work.

今天我站在這裡證明治療的成效。

I was paroled in June 2014,

我在 2014 年六月獲得假釋，

following my third hearing before a panel of former law-enforcement officials

第三次聽證會後假釋的， 聽證會上，一組前任執法的人員

who were tasked with determining my current threat level to society.

評估了我目前對社會威脅的程度。

I stand here today for the first time since I was 14 years old

自我 14 歲以來，我首次站在這裡，

not under any form of state supervision.

不受政府任何形式的監管。

I'm married to a tremendous woman named Holly,

我與一位了不起的女性結婚， 她名叫荷莉。

and together, we are raising two sons

我們一起養育兩個兒子，

who I encourage to experience emotions in a safe way.

我鼓勵他們用安全的方式 來表達情緒。

I let them hold me when I cry.

當我哭泣時，我讓他們擁抱我，

They get to witness me not have all the answers.

他們目睹我並不是無事不曉。

My desire is for them to understand

我想要他們了解

that being a man is not some machismo caricature,

做為一位男性 不要像故事中的大男人，

and that characteristics usually defined as weaknesses

還有那些常被視為軟弱的特徵

are parts of the whole healthy man.

是正常健康男性的一部分。

So today, I continue to work not just on myself,

所以今天，我持續服務， 不只是用在我身上，

but in support of young males in my community.

還支援我社區裡的年輕男性。

The challenge is to eradicate this cycle

現在的挑戰是消弭 情緒文盲與團體迷思的惡性循環，

of emotional illiteracy and groupthink

that allows our males to continue to victimize others as well as themselves.

這循環讓我們男性 持續去傷害別人和自己。

As a result of this,

消弭後的結果，

they develop new ways of how they want to show up in the world

是他們想出新方法， 如何在這世界展現自己，

and how they expect this world to show up on their behalf.

以及如何期待這世界為他們而展現。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）