How I unlearned dangerous lessons about masculinity | Eldra Jackson

翻译人员: jacks peng 校对人员:

Big boys don't cry.

男儿有泪不轻弹。

Suck it up.

要忍耐！

Shut up and rub some dirt on it.

闭上嘴，变坚强。

Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.

没有理由则不要随意哭泣。

These are just a few of the phrases

这些只是

that contribute to a disease in our society,

我们社会中导致某种疾病 的诸多短语的缩影，

and more specifically, in our men.

更具体来说是针对男人的疾病。

It's a disease that has come to be known as "toxic masculinity."

这是一种被称为“有害的男子气概”的疾病。

It's one I suffered a chronic case of,

这是我长期患有的疾病，

so much so that I spent 24 years of a life sentence in prison

以致我被判了24年的监禁

for kidnapping, robbery, and attempted murder.

由于绑架小孩、抢劫和谋杀未遂。

Yet I'm here to tell you today that there's a solution for this epidemic.

然而，我今天要告诉大家， 这种传染病有一个解决方案。

I know for a fact the solution works, because I was a part of human trials.

我知道这个解决方案是可行的， 因为我就亲身试验过。

The solution is a mixture of elements.

该解决方案由多种元素构成。

It begins with the willingness to look at your belief system

治疗始于你重新审视自己的信仰，

and how out of alignment it is

它是多么地脱位，

and how your actions negatively impact not just yourself,

你意识到你的行为 不仅对自己产生负面的影响，

but the people around you.

也影响了身边的人。

The next ingredient is the willingness to be vulnerable with people

另一点是，你开始愿意示弱，

who would not just support you, but hold you accountable.

不仅仅对那些支持你的人， 也对那些你负有责任的人。

But before I tell you about this,

但在我告诉你这些之前，

I need to let you know that in order to share this,

我想让你们知道， 为了分享这些，

I have to bare my soul in full.

我必须袒露一切。

And as I stand here,

我站在这里，

with so many eyes fixed on me,

有如此多的眼睛注视着我，

I feel raw and naked.

我觉得浑身赤裸。

When this feeling is present,

当这种感觉出现时，

I'm confident that the next phase of healing is on the horizon,

我相信下一阶段的治疗即将到来，

and that allows me to share my story in full.

这让我能够完整地分享自己的故事。

For all appearances' sake, I was born into the ideal family dynamic:

从表面看， 我出生在一个理想的家庭：

mother, father, sister, brother.

母亲、父亲、姐妹、兄弟。

Bertha, Eldra Jr., Taydama and Eldra III.

伯莎、埃尔德拉、泰达玛和埃尔德拉三世，

That's me.

也就是我。

My father was a Vietnam veteran who earned a Purple Heart

我的父亲是一名越战老兵， 他赢得了紫心勋章，

and made it home to find love, marry, and begin his own brood.

回国寻到了真爱并结婚， 开始了自己的家庭生活。

So how did I wind up serving life in the California prison system?

那么，我是如何沦落到在 加州的监狱里服刑的呢？

Keeping secrets,

保守秘密，

believing the mantra that big boys don't cry,

相信“男儿有泪不轻弹”这句俗语，

not knowing how to display any emotion confidently other than anger,

不知道如何表达愤怒之外的情绪，

participating in athletics

参加体育运动，

and learning that the greater the performance on the field,

并且知道在场上表现得越好，

the less the need to worry about the rules off it.

就越不需要担心规则。

It's hard to pin down any one specific ingredient

在我的诸多症状中，

of the many symptoms that ailed me.

很难找到造成我疾病的特定成分。

Growing up as a young black male in Sacramento, California in the 1980s,

作为一位20世纪80年代，在加州 萨克拉门托长大的年轻黑人男性，

there were two groups I identified as having respect:

我认为只有两类人有尊严：

athletes and gangsters.

运动员和黑帮。

I excelled in sports,

我擅长体育，

that is until a friend and I chose to take his mom's car for a joyride and wreck it.

直到我和一个朋友开车兜风， 把他妈妈的车给毁了。

With my parents having to split the cost of a totaled vehicle,

我父母不得不分摊 报废汽车的费用，

I was relegated to a summer of household chores and no sports.

整个夏天我只能做家务， 而不能去运动。

No sports meant no respect.

没有运动意味着无法赢得尊重。

No respect equaled no power.

没有尊重意味着没有权力。

Power was vital to feed my illness.

权力是导致我疾病的重要因素。

It was at that point the decision to transition from athlete to gangster

就在那个时候， 从运动员转型做黑帮成员，

was made and done so easily.

是个很容易作出的决定。

Early life experiences had set the stage for me to be well-suited

早年生活经历让我容易

to objectify others,

将他人物化，

act in a socially detached manner,

以一种超脱社会的方式行事，

and above all else, seek to be viewed as in a position of power.

最重要的是， 要让别人觉得你有权势。

A sense of power

权力的感觉

(Sighs)

（叹息）

equaled strength in my environment,

在我所处的环境中等同于力量，

but more importantly, it did so in my mind.

但更重要的， 我的大脑也是这样认为的。

My mind dictated my choices.

我的大脑支配着我的选择。

My subsequent choices put me on the fast track to prison life.

我后来的选择很快地将我送入监狱。

And even once in prison, I continued my history

甚至一度在监狱，我也继续着

of running over the rights of others,

我践踏他人权利的历史，

even knowing that that was the place that I would die.

即便知道那是我要死去的地方。

Once again, I wound up in solitary confinement

我又一次被单独监禁，

for stabbing another prisoner nearly 30 times.

因为我刺了另一位囚犯近30次。

I'd gotten to a place where I didn't care how I lived or if I died.

我已经到了不在乎生死的境地。

But then, things changed.

但后来，事情改变了。

One of the best things that happened in my life to that point

我生命中最美好的事情之一就是

was being sent to New Folsom Prison.

被送进了新福尔森监狱。

Once there, I was approached to join a group called Inside Circle.

一到那，我就受邀加入一个 名为“内圈”的组织。

Initially, I was hesitant to join a group referred to around the yard

起初，我犹豫要不要加入一个在狱中

as "hug-a-thug."

被称为“拥抱暴徒”的组织。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Initially, yeah, that was a little much,

一开始，是的，很犹豫，

but eventually, I overcame my hesitancy.

但最终，我克服了我的犹豫。

As it turned out, the circle was the vision of a man named Patrick Nolan,

原来， 圈子是 帕特里克·诺兰的愿景，

who was also serving life

他也曾被判终身服刑，

and who had grown sick and tired of being sick and tired

他厌倦了

of watching us kill one another

看着我们互相残杀，

over skin color,

因为肤色，

rag color,

因为衣服的颜色，

being from Northern or Southern California,

因为来自北加州或南加州，

or just plain breathing in the wrong direction on a windy day.

或者仅仅是因为在大风天 朝向错了。

Circle time is men sitting with men

在“内圈”时，人们坐在一块儿，

and cutting through the bullshit,

不说废话，

challenging structural ways of thinking.

挑战结构化的思考。

I think the way that I think

我按我的方式思考，

and I act the way that I act

我按我的风格行事，

because I hadn't questioned that.

因为我从没质疑过。

Like, who said I should see a woman walking down the street,

比如，谁说我看到 一个女人走在大街上，

turn around and check out her backside?

就应该转过身去看看她的臀部？

Where did that come from?

这种想法从何而来呢？

If I don't question that, I'll just go along with the crowd.

如果我不质疑这点， 我就会随大流。

The locker-room talk.

谈论黄色八卦。

In circle, we sit and we question these things.

在圈子里，我们质疑这些事情。

Why do I think the way that I think?

为什么我要按这种方式思考？

Why do I act the way that I act?

为什么我要按这种风格处事？

Because when I get down to it, I'm not thinking,

因为当我做事时，我没有思考，

I'm not being an individual,

我不是一个独立的人，

I'm not taking responsibility for who I am

我没有为自己负责，

and what it is I put into this world.

也没有为我的行为负责。

It was in a circle session that my life took a turn.

我的人生因为这个组织发生改变。

I remember being asked who I was,

我曾被问过我是谁，

and I didn't have an answer,

而我当时没有答案，

at least not one that felt honest

至少在那个满屋子都是 寻求真相的人的面前，

in a room full of men who were seeking truth.

我没有真正的答案。

It would have been easy to say,

有些东西说出来容易，

"I'm a Blood,"

“我是热血，”

or, "My name is Vegas,"

或者，“我叫维加斯，”

or any number of facades I had manufactured to hide behind.

或者任何可以让我藏匿起来的人设。

It was in that moment and in that venue that the jig was up.

就在那一刻，在那个地方， 那些伎俩没用了。

I realized that as sharp as I believed I was,

我意识到，尽管我相信自己很敏锐，

I didn't even know who I was

但我甚至不知道自己是谁，

or why I acted the way that I acted.

也不知道自己行为背后的意义。

I couldn't stand in a room full of men who were seeking to serve and support

我无法站在一个满是 寻求帮助的人们的房间中，

and present an authentic me.

去展示一个真实的我。

It was in that moment that I graduated to a place within

就在那一刻，我内心想好了，

that was ready for transformation.

准备转变。

For decades,

几十年来，

I kept being the victim of molestation at the hands of a babysitter a secret.

我一直保守着被保姆猥亵的秘密。

I submitted to this under the threat of my younger sister being harmed.

在我妹妹的安全被威胁的情况下， 我屈服了。

I was seven, she was three.

我当时7岁，她3岁。

I believed it was my responsibility to keep her safe.

我相信保护她的安全是我的责任。

It was in that instant

就在那一刻，

that the seeds were sown for a long career of hurting others,

我播下了长期伤害他人的种子，

be it physical, mental or emotional.

无论是身体上的， 精神上的还是情感上的。

I developed, in that instant,

在那一瞬间，我产生了一种信念，

at seven years old,

在我七岁的时候，

the belief that going forward in life,

那就是要在生活中前进，

if a situation presented itself where someone was going to get hurt,

如果出现有人必定会受伤的情况，

I would be the one doing the hurting.

我就是那个伤害别人的人。

I also formulated the belief that loving put me in harm's way.

我还形成了这样一种观念： 爱会使我处于危险之中。

I also learned that caring about another person made me weak.

我也学到了关心他人 会让我变得脆弱。

So not caring, that must equal strength.

所以冷血，就等于力量。

The greatest way to mask a shaky sense of self

掩盖脆弱的最好方法

is to hide behind a false air of respect.

就是隐藏在虚伪的空气背后。

Sitting in circle resembles sitting in a fire.

参加“内圈”的活动就像坐在火里。

It is a crucible that can and does break.

这是一个自我重塑的熔炉。

It broke my old sense of self,

它打破了我原有的自我意识，

diseased value system

病态的价值体系

and way of looking at others.

和看待他人的方式。

My old stale modes of thinking were invited into the open

我陈旧的思维方式被曝光，

to see if this is who I wanted to be in life.

我需要审视 这是否是我想要的生活。

I was accompanied by skilled facilitators

经验丰富的辅导员陪我

on a journey into the depths of myself

走进我内心的深处，

to find those wounded parts that not only festered

寻找那些受伤的，不仅会腐烂

but seeped out to create unsafe space for others.

甚至还会危害他人的地方。

At times, it resembled an exorcism,

有时，它就像驱魔仪式，

and in essence, it was.

本质上，它就是。

There was an extraction of old, diseased ways of thinking,

旧的、病态的思维方式被驱逐出去，

being and reacting

与此同时，

and an infusion of purpose.

注入新的目标。

Sitting in those circles saved my life.

参加组织的活动， 使我重获新生。

I stand here today as a testament to the fact of the power of the work.

我今天站在这里 想证明这项工作的力量。

I was paroled in June 2014,

2014年6月我被假释，

following my third hearing before a panel of former law-enforcement officials

在我第三次出席 由前执法官员组成的听证会之后，

who were tasked with determining my current threat level to society.

他们的任务是确定我 目前对社会的威胁程度。

I stand here today for the first time since I was 14 years old

今天我站在这里， 是我14岁以来第一次

not under any form of state supervision.

没有受到任何形式的国家监督。

I'm married to a tremendous woman named Holly,

我和一个叫霍莉的 了不起的女人结了婚，

and together, we are raising two sons

我们养育了两个儿子，

who I encourage to experience emotions in a safe way.

我鼓励他们以安全的方式体验情绪。

I let them hold me when I cry.

我让他们在我哭泣时拥抱我。

They get to witness me not have all the answers.

他们明白我并非无所不知。

My desire is for them to understand

我的愿望是让他们明白，

that being a man is not some machismo caricature,

男人并不是 大男子主义漫画中的样子，

and that characteristics usually defined as weaknesses

那些脆弱的特征也是

are parts of the whole healthy man.

健康男人的一部分。

So today, I continue to work not just on myself,

所以今天， 我继续工作不只是为了自己，

but in support of young males in my community.

更是为了支持我们社区里的青年。

The challenge is to eradicate this cycle

我们面临的挑战是要消除

of emotional illiteracy and groupthink

这种情感文盲和群体思维的循环，

that allows our males to continue to victimize others as well as themselves.

这种循环让我们的男性 继续伤害他人和自己。

As a result of this,

因此，

they develop new ways of how they want to show up in the world

他们可以以新面貌出现在世人面前，

and how they expect this world to show up on their behalf.

并且他们也可以被这个世界所接纳。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）