How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | Emily Nagoski

Prevodilac: Kristina Radosavljević Lektor: Ivana Krivokuća

I'm sitting in a bar with a couple of friends --

Sedim u baru sa parom prijatelja -

literally, a couple, married couple.

bukvalno, parom, bračnim parom.

They're the parents of two young children,

Oni su roditelji dvoje male dece,

seven academic degrees between them,

zajedno imaju sedam akademskih diploma,

big nerds, really nice people but very sleep-deprived.

pravi štreberi, stvarno fini ljudi, ali veoma neispavani.

And they ask me the question I get asked more than any other question.

Postavljaju mi pitanje koje dobijam češće nego bilo koje drugo.

They go, "So, Emily,

Kreću sa: „Pa, Emili,

how do couples, you know, sustain a strong sexual connection

kako parovi, znaš, održavaju snažnu seksualnu vezu

over multiple decades?"

tokom više decenija?"

I'm a sex educator, which is why my friends ask me questions like this,

Ja sam seksualni edukator i zbog toga mi prijatelji

često postavljaju slična pitanja,

and I am also a big nerd like my friends.

i takođe sam štreber, baš kao i moji prijatelji.

I love science, which is why I can give them something like an answer.

Volim nauku i zato mogu da im pružim nešto nalik na odgovor.

Research actually has pretty solid evidence

Istraživanja u stvari daju prilično čvrst dokaz

that couples who sustain strong sexual connections

da parovi koji održe jaku seksualnu povezanost

over multiple decades

tokom decenija

have two things in common.

imaju dve zajedničke stvari.

Before I can tell my friends what those two things are,

Pre nego što kažem prijateljima koje su te dve stvari,

moram da im kažem par stvari koje to nisu.

I have to tell them a few things that they are not.

These are not couples who have sex very often.

To nisu parovi koji često upražnjavaju seks.

Almost none of us have sex very often.

Skoro niko od nas ne upražnjava često seks.

We are busy.

Zauzeti smo.

They are also not couples who necessarily have wild, adventurous sex.

To takođe nisu nužno parovi kod kojih je seks divlji i avanturistički.

One recent study actually found

Nedavna studija je u stvari pokazala

that the couples who are most strongly predicted

da parovi sa najvećom verovatnoćom

to have strong sexual and relationship satisfaction,

da imaju snažno seksualno zadovoljstvo i ispunjenost vezom,

the best predictor of that

najbolji pokazatelj toga

is not what kind of sex they have

nije vrsta seksa koju upražnjavaju

or how often or where they have it

niti koliko često i gde to rade,

but whether they cuddle after sex.

nego da li se maze posle seksa.

And they are not necessarily couples

I to nisu nužno parovi

who constantly can't wait to keep their hands off each other.

koji ne mogu skinuti ruke jedno sa drugog.

Some of them are.

Neki od njih jesu takvi.

They experience what the researchers call "spontaneous desire,"

Oni imaju doživljaj nečega što istraživači zovu „spontana želja”,

that just sort of seems to appear out of the blue.

koja se, kako se čini, pojavljuje iznenada.

Erika Moen, the cartoonist who illustrated my book,

Erika Moen, karikaturista koja je ilustrovala moju knjigu,

draws spontaneous desire as a lightning bolt to the genitals --

prikazuje spontanu želju kao munju koja pogađa genitalije -

kaboom! -- you just want it out of the blue.

bum! - poželite to iz vedra neba.

That is absolutely one normal, healthy way to experience sexual desire.

Ovo je potpuno normalan, zdrav način da se doživi seksualna želja.

But there's another healthy way to experience sexual desire.

Ali postoji još jedan zdrav način da se doživi seksualna želja.

It's called "responsive desire."

Zove se „reaktivna želja”.

Where spontaneous desire seems to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,

Dok spontana želja, kako se čini, proističe iz iščekivanja zadovoljstva,

responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.

reaktivna želja se pojavljuje kao odgovor na zadovoljstvo.

There's a sex therapist in New Jersey named Christine Hyde,

Postoji seksualni terapeut u Nju Džerziju, po imenu Kristina Hajd,

who taught me this great metaphor she uses with her clients.

od koje sam naučila sjajnu metaforu koju ona koristi sa klijentima.

She says, imagine that your best friend invites you to a party.

Ona kaže: zamisli da te najbolji prijatelj pozove na žurku.

You say yes because it's your best friend and a party.

Pristaješ, zato što je to tvoj najbolji prijatelj i zato što je to žurka.

But then, as the date approaches, you start thinking,

Ali kako se datum približava, počinješ da razmišljaš:

"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.

„Ah, biće gužva u saobraćaju.

We have to find child care.

Treba da nađemo ko će čuvati dete.

Am I really going to want to put my party clothes on

Da li ću stvarno želeti da obučem svoje odelo za izlazak

and get there at the end of the week?"

i odem tamo krajem nedelje?”

But you put on your party clothes and you show up to the party,

Ipak, oblačite svoje odelo za izlazak, pojavljujete se na žurci

and what happens?

i šta se dešava?

You have a good time at the party.

Dobro se zabavite na žurci.

If you are having fun at the party,

Ako se zabavljate na žurci,

you are doing it right.

radite pravu stvar.

When it comes to a sexual connection, it's the same thing.

Ista stvar je i kada govorimo o seksualnoj povezanosti.

You put on your party clothes,

Oblačite svoje odelo za izlazak,

you set up the child care,

nalazite ko će čuvati dete,

you put your body in the bed,

smeštate telo u krevet,

you let your skin touch your partner's skin

dopustite da vaša koža dotakne kožu partnera

and allow your body to wake up and remember,

i dozvolite vašem telu da se probudi i seti.

"Oh, right! I like this.

„Ah, da! Sviđa mi se ovo.

I like this person!"

Sviđa mi se ova osoba!”

That's responsive desire,

To je reaktivna želja,

and it is key to understanding the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection

i to je ključ razumevanja parova koji održavaju snažnu seksualnu povezanost

over the long term,

dugi niz godina,

because -- and this is the part where I tell my friends

zato što - i to je momenat kada kažem prijateljima

the two characteristics of the couples who do sustain a strong sexual connection --

dve osobine koje imaju parovi koji održe snažnu seksualnu povezanost -

one, they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship.

prva, imaju snažno prijateljstvo kao osnov svog odnosa.

Specifically, they have strong trust.

Posebno je izraženo jako poverenje.

Relationship researcher and therapist,

Istraživač međuljudskih odnosa i terapeut,

developer of emotionally focused therapy,

osnivač emocionalno fokusirane terapije,

Sue Johnson,

Su Džonson,

boils trust down to this question:

svodi poverenje na pitanje:

Are you there for me?

da li si tu za mene?

Especially, are you emotionally present and available for me?

Posebno, da li si emocionalno prisutan i dostupan za mene?

Friends are there for each other.

Prijatelji su tu jedan za drugog.

One.

To je prva.

The second characteristic is that they prioritize sex.

Druga karakteristika je da oni seks stavljaju kao prioritet.

They decide that it matters for their relationship.

Odlučuju da je on važan za njihov odnos.

They choose to set aside all the other things that they could be doing --

Odlučuju da ostave po strani sve drugo što bi mogli da rade -

the children they could be raising and the jobs they could be going to,

decu koju bi mogli da odgajaju, poslove na koje bi mogli da odu,

the other family members to pay attention to,

članove porodice kojima bi mogli posvećivati pažnju,

the other friends they might want to hang out with.

prijatelje sa kojima bi mogli provoditi vreme.

God forbid they just want to watch some television or go to sleep.

Ili, ne daj bože, da samo gledaju TV ili spavaju.

Stop doing all that stuff and create a protected space

Prestanite da radite sve to i stvorite zaštićeni prostor

where all you're going to do is put your body in the bed

u kome jedino što ćete raditi je da smestite svoje telo u krevet

and let your skin touch your partner's skin.

i dopustite koži da dotakne kožu vašeg partnera.

So that's it:

I to je to:

best friends,

najbolji prijatelji,

prioritize sex.

seks kao prioritet.

So I said this to my friends in the bar.

Kažem to svojim prijateljima u baru.

I was like, best friends, prioritize sex, I told them about the party,

Najbolji prijatelji, seks kao prioritet, kažem im za žurku,

kažem, stavite svoju kožu uz kožu partnera.

I said you put your skin next to your partner's skin.

And one of the partners I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."

I onda jedan od partnera kaže: „Uuuh”.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And I was like, "OK, so, there's your problem."

Onda ja kažem: „Okej, to je tvoj problem.”

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

The difficulty was not that they did not want to go to the party, necessarily.

Problem nije nužno bio u tome da oni nisu želeli da idu na žurku.

If the difficulty is just a lack of spontaneous desire for party,

Ako je problem samo nedostatak spontane želje za zabavom,

you know what to do:

znate šta vam je činiti:

you put on your party clothes and show up for the party.

obučete svoje odelo za izlazak i pojavite se na žurci.

If you're having fun at the party, you're doing it right.

Ako se zabavljate na žurci, odlično vam ide.

Njihov problem je bio što je ovo bila žurka

Their difficulty was that this was a party

where she didn't love what there was available to eat,

gde se njoj nije sviđala hrana,

the music was not her favorite music,

muzika nije bila njena omiljena,

and she wasn't totally sure she felt great about her relationships with people

i nije baš bila sigurna da se oseća dobro povodom odnosa sa ljudima

koji su bili na žurci.

who were at the party.

And this happens all the time:

I to se stalno dešava:

nice people who love each other come to dread sex.

fini ljudi koji se vole počnu da se užasavaju seksa.

These couples, if they seek sex therapy,

Te parove, ako potraže seksualnu terapiju,

the therapist might have them stand up

terapeut može zamoliti da ustanu

and put as much distance between their bodies as they need

i naprave razmak između svojih tela,

koliko god da im je potrebno da bi se osećali prijatno,

in order to feel comfortable,

and the less interested partner will make 20 feet of space.

a manje zainteresovani partner će se udaljiti 6 metara.

And the really difficult part is that space is not empty.

Ono što je teško jeste da taj prostor nije prazan.

It is crowded with weeks or months or more

On je ispunjen nedeljama, mesecima ili još dužim periodom

of the, "You're not listening to me,"

sa: „Ti me ne slušaš,”

and "I don't know what's wrong with me but your criticism isn't helping,"

„Ne znam u čemu je moj problem, ali tvoje kritike ne pomažu”,

and, "If you loved me, you would," and, "You're not there for me."

„Da me voliš, ti bi” i „Nisi tu kad te trebam.”

Years, maybe, of all these difficult feelings.

Godinama, možda, svih ovih teških osećanja.

In the book, I use this really silly metaphor

U knjizi koristim ovu prilično šašavu metaforu

of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs

teških osećanja kao uspavanih ježeva

that you are fostering until you can find a way to set them free

koje gajite dok ne pronađete način da ih oslobodite

by turning toward them with kindness and compassion.

obraćajući im se sa dobrotom i saosećanjem.

And the couples who struggle to maintain a strong sexual connection,

Kod parova koji se muče da održe snažnu seksualnu povezanost,

the distance between them is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.

ovaj prostor između njih je ispunjen tim uspavanim ježevima.

And it happens in any relationship that lasts long enough.

To se dešava u svim vezama koje traju dugo.

You, too, are fostering a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs

Vi takođe gajite bodlje uspavanih ježeva

between you and your certain special someone.

između vas i vaše posebne osobe.

The difference between couples who sustain a strong sexual connection

Razlika između parova koji imaju jaku seksualnu povezanost

i onih koji je nemaju

and the ones who don't

nije u tome što ovi prvi nemaju ta teška i bolna osećanja,

is not that they don't experience these difficult hurt feelings,

it's that they turn towards those difficult feelings

nego što oni gledaju na njih

with kindness and compassion

sa dobrotom i saosećajnošću,

so that they can set them free

kako bi mogli da ih se oslobode

and find their way back to each other.

i pronađu put nazad jedno ka drugom.

So my friends in the bar are faced with the question under the question,

Moji prijatelji u baru su suočeni sa pitanjem skrivenim u pitanju,

not, "How do we sustain a strong connection?"

ne: „Kako da održimo jaku seksualnu povezanost?”

but, "How do we find our way back to it?"

nego: „Kako da pronađemo način da je vratimo?”

And, yes, there is science to answer this question,

I da, tu je nauka da da odgovor na ovo pitanje,

but in 25 years as a sex educator,

ali tokom 25 godina kao seksualni edukator,

one thing I have learned is sometimes, Emily,

naučila sam jednu stvar, a to je da ponekad, Emili,

less science,

treba manje nauke,

more hedgehogs.

više ježeva.

So I told them about me.

Ispričala sam im o sebi.

I spent many months writing a book about the science of women's sexual well-being.

Provela sam mnogo meseci pišući knjigu o nauci o ženskom seksualnom blagostanju.

I was thinking about sex all day, every day,

Razmišljala sam o seksu ceo dan, svaki dan,

and I was so stressed by the project that I had zero -- zero! -- interest

i bila sam toliko opterećena projektom da sam imala nula - nula! - želje

in actually having any sex.

za stvarnim seksom.

And then I spent months traveling all over,

Zatim sam provela mesece putujući naokolo,

talking with anyone who would listen

pričajući sa svima voljnim da slušaju

about the science of women's sexual well-being.

o nauci o ženskom seksualnom blagostanju.

And by the time I got home, you know,

Kada bih stigla kući, znate,

I'd show up for the party, put my body in the bed,

pojavila bih se na žurci, strpala svoje telo u krevet,

let my skin touch my partner's skin,

dopustila da moja koža dotakne kožu mog partnera,

and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I would just cry and fall asleep.

ali bila sam toliko iscrpljena i preplavljena emocijama

da bih samo plakala i zaspala.

And the months of isolation fostered fear and loneliness

Meseci izolacije su iznedrili strah, usamljenost

and frustration.

i frustraciju.

So many hedgehogs.

Toliko ježeva.

My best friend, this person I love and admire,

Moj najbolji prijatelj, osoba koju volim i kojoj se divim,

felt a million miles away.

činila se kilometrima udaljenom.

But ...

Ali...

he was still there for me.

i dalje je bio tu za mene.

No matter how many difficult feelings there were,

Bez obzira na to koliko je teških osećanja bilo,

he turned toward them with kindness and compassion.

on im se obratio sa dobrotom i saosećanjem.

He never turned away.

Nikad nije okrenuo glavu.

And what was the second characteristic

A koja je druga osobina

of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection?

parova koji održavaju snažnu seksualnu povezanost?

They prioritize sex.

Seks kao prioritet.

They decide that it matters for their relationship,

Oni odlučuju da je to važno u njihovom odnosu,

that they do what it takes to find their way back to the connection.

da će uraditi šta god je potrebno da pronađu način da se ponovo povežu.

I told my friends what sex therapist and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.

Rekla sam prijateljima

šta kaže seksualni terapeut i istraživač, Pegi Klajnplac.

She asks: What kind of sex is worth wanting?

Ona pita: „Kakav seks je vredan želje?“

My partner and I looked at the quality of our connection

Partner i ja smo pogledali kvalitet naše veze

and what it brought to our lives,

i šta je ona donela u naš život,

and we looked at the family of sleepy hedgehogs

i pogledali smo porodicu uspavanih ježeva

I had introduced into our home.

koju sam ja unela u naš dom.

And we decided it was worth it.

Odlučili smo da vredi.

We decided -- we chose -- to do what it took to find our way,

Odlučili smo - izabrali smo - da učinimo sve što je potrebno da pronađemo način,

turning towards each of those sleepy hedgehogs,

posvetivši se svakom od tih uspavanih ježeva,

those difficult hurt feelings,

tih teških osećanja povređenosti,

with kindness and compassion

sa dobrotom i saosećanjem,

and setting them free so that we could find our way back

i oslobađajući ih kako bismo mogli da pronađemo put

to the connection that mattered for our relationship.

ka povezivanju koje nam je bilo važno u odnosu.

This is not the story we are usually told

Ovo nije priča koju često čujemo

about how sexual desire works in long-term relationships.

o tome kako seksualna želja funkcioniše u dugoročnim odnosima.

But I can think of nothing more romantic,

Ali ja ne mogu da zamislim ništa romantičnije,

nothing sexier,

seksepilnije,

than being chosen as a priority

nego biti izabran kao prioritet

because that connection matters enough,

zato što ta veza dovoljno znači,

even after I introduced all of these difficult feelings into our relationship.

čak i nakon što sam unela sva ta teška osećanja u našu vezu.

How do you sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term?

Kako održati snažnu seksualnu povezanost na duge staze?

You look into the eyes of your best friend,

Pogledajte u oči svog najboljeg prijatelja,

and you keep choosing to find your way back.

i stalno birajte da pronađete put natrag do njega.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)