How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | Emily Nagoski

212,763 views ใƒป 2019-10-17

TED


ูŠุฑุฌู‰ ุงู„ู†ู‚ุฑ ู†ู‚ุฑู‹ุง ู…ุฒุฏูˆุฌู‹ุง ููˆู‚ ุงู„ุชุฑุฌู…ุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ ุฃุฏู†ุงู‡ ู„ุชุดุบูŠู„ ุงู„ููŠุฏูŠูˆ.

ุงู„ู…ุชุฑุฌู…: Ghada Khalil ุงู„ู…ุฏู‚ู‘ู‚: Ayman Hosny
00:12
I'm sitting in a bar with a couple of friends --
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ูƒูู†ุชู ุฌุงู„ุณุฉู‹ ููŠ ุญุงู†ุฉู ู…ุน ุตุฏูŠู‚ูŽูŠู†ุŒ
ุชุญุฏูŠุฏู‹ุงุŒ ุงุซู†ูŠู† ู…ูุชุฒูˆุฌูŠู†ุŒ
00:15
literally, a couple, married couple.
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00:16
They're the parents of two young children,
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ูˆูˆุงู„ูุฏูŠู† ู„ุทูู„ูŠู† ุตุบูŠุฑูŠู†.
00:19
seven academic degrees between them,
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ูŠุดุชุฑูƒุงู† ููŠ ุณุจุน ุฏุฑุฌุงุชู ุนู„ู…ูŠุฉุŒ
00:21
big nerds, really nice people but very sleep-deprived.
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ูˆู‡ู…ุง ู…ูุญุจู‘ูŽุงู† ู„ู„ุนูู„ู… ุจุดุฏุฉุŒ ูˆู„ุทูŠูุงู† ุญู‚ู‘ู‹ุงุŒ ู„ูƒู†ู‘ู‡ู…ุง ู…ุญุฑูˆู…ุงู† ู…ู† ุงู„ู†ูˆู… ู„ู„ุบุงูŠุฉ.
00:25
And they ask me the question I get asked more than any other question.
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ูˆุณุฃู„ุงู†ูŠ ุงู„ุณุคุงู„ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ูŠูุทุฑูŽุญ ุนู„ูŠู‘ ุฏูˆู…ู‹ุง ุฃูƒุซุฑ ู…ู† ุบูŠุฑู‡.
00:31
They go, "So, Emily,
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ู‚ุงู„ุง: "ุญุณู†ู‹ุงุŒ ุฅูŠู…ูŠู„ูŠุŒ
00:33
how do couples, you know, sustain a strong sexual connection
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ูƒูŠู ูŠูู…ูƒู† ู„ู„ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌ ุฃู† ูŠุถู…ู†ูˆุง ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุญู…ูŠู…ูŠุฉ ู‚ูˆูŠุฉ ูˆู…ูุณุชุฏุงู…ุฉ
00:39
over multiple decades?"
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ุนู„ู‰ ู…ุฏู‰ ุนูู‚ูˆุฏู ุนุฏูŠุฏุฉุŸ"
00:42
I'm a sex educator, which is why my friends ask me questions like this,
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ุฃู†ุง ุฃุฎุตุงุฆูŠุฉ ููŠ ุงู„ุซู‚ุงูุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉุŒ ูˆู„ุฐู„ูƒ ูŠุณุฃู„ู†ูŠ ุฃุตุฏู‚ุงุฆูŠ ู…ูุซู„ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ุฃุณุฆู„ุฉ.
00:45
and I am also a big nerd like my friends.
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ูƒู…ุง ุฃู†ู†ูŠ ุฃูŠุถุงู‹ ู…ูุญูุจุฉ ู„ู„ุนูู„ู… ูˆุงู„ุฏุฑุงุณุฉ ู…ุซู„ู‡ู…ุงุ›
00:48
I love science, which is why I can give them something like an answer.
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ูุฃู†ุง ู…ููˆู„ุนุฉูŒ ุจุงู„ุนู„ูˆู…ุŒ ูˆู„ุฐู„ูƒ ุฃุณุชุทูŠุน ุฃู† ุฃุนุทูŠู‡ู… ุฅุฌุงุจุฉู‹ ู…ุง.
00:52
Research actually has pretty solid evidence
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ููŠ ุงู„ูˆุงู‚ุนุŒ ุชุณุชู†ุฏ ุงู„ุฃุจุญุงุซ ุนู„ู‰ ุฃุฏู„ุฉู ู‚ูˆูŠุฉู ุชู‚ูˆู„ ุจุฃู†
00:54
that couples who sustain strong sexual connections
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ุงู„ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌ ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ูŠุถู…ู†ูˆู† ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุญู…ูŠู…ูŠุฉ ู‚ูˆูŠุฉ ูˆู…ูุณุชุฏุงู…ุฉุŒ
00:57
over multiple decades
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ุนู„ู‰ ู…ุฏู‰ ุนู‚ูˆุฏู ุนุฏูŠุฏุฉุŒ
00:58
have two things in common.
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ูŠู…ุชู„ูƒูˆู† ุดูŠุฆูŽูŠู† ู…ูุดุชุฑูƒูŠู†.
01:01
Before I can tell my friends what those two things are,
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ู‚ุจู„ ุฃู† ุฃูุฎุจุฑ ุตุฏูŠู‚ูŠู‘ูŽ ุจู‡ูŽุฐูŠู† ุงู„ุดูŠุฆูŠู† ุงู„ู…ูุดุชุฑูƒูŠู†ุŒ
ูƒุงู† ุนู„ูŠู‘ ุฃู† ุฃูุฎุจุฑู‡ู…ุง ุจุงู„ุฃู…ูˆุฑ ุบูŠุฑ ุงู„ู…ูุดุชุฑูƒุฉ.
01:04
I have to tell them a few things that they are not.
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01:06
These are not couples who have sex very often.
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ุฃูˆู„ุฆูƒ ุงู„ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌ ู„ูŠุณูˆุง ู…ู…ู‘ู† ูŠู…ุงุฑุณูˆู† ุงู„ุฌู†ุณ ูƒุซูŠุฑู‹ุง.
01:10
Almost none of us have sex very often.
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ูˆู„ุง ุฃุญุฏ ู…ู†ู‘ุง ุชู‚ุฑูŠุจู‹ุง ูŠูู…ุงุฑุณ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณ ูƒุซูŠุฑู‹ุง.
01:14
We are busy.
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ูู†ุญู† ู…ุดุบูˆู„ูˆู†.
ูƒู…ุง ุฃู†ู‡ู… ุฃูŠุถู‹ุง ู„ูŠุณูˆุง ุจุงู„ุถุฑูˆุฑุฉ ู…ู…ู‘ู† ูŠุชู…ุชุนูˆู† ุจุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ ุฌุงู…ุญุฉ ูˆู…ู„ูŠุฆุฉ ุจุงู„ู…ุบุงู…ุฑุฉ.
01:16
They are also not couples who necessarily have wild, adventurous sex.
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01:19
One recent study actually found
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ููŠ ุงู„ูˆุงู‚ุนุŒ ู„ู‚ุฏ ุชูˆุตู‘ู„ุช ุฏุฑุงุณุฉ ุญุฏูŠุซุฉ
01:21
that the couples who are most strongly predicted
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ุฅู„ู‰ ุฃู† ุงู„ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌ ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ูƒุงู† ูŠูู†ุธุฑ ุฅู„ูŠู‡ู… ุจู‚ูˆุฉู
01:25
to have strong sexual and relationship satisfaction,
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ุฃู†ู‡ู… ูŠุชู…ุชุนูˆู† ุจุฅุดุจุงุนูŒ ุฌู†ุณูŠ ู‚ูˆูŠ ูˆุฑุถุงุกูŒ ุนุงู… ุนู† ุนู„ุงู‚ุชู‡ู…ุŒ
01:29
the best predictor of that
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ู„ู… ูŠูƒูู† ุฃูุถู„ ู…ุคุดุฑ ุนู„ู‰ ุฐู„ูƒ
01:30
is not what kind of sex they have
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ู‡ูˆ ู†ูˆุน ุงู„ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ ุงู„ุชูŠ ุจูŠู†ู‡ู…
01:32
or how often or where they have it
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ุฃูˆ ุนุฏุฏ ุงู„ู…ุฑุงุช ุฃูˆ ุงู„ู…ูƒุงู†ุ›
01:34
but whether they cuddle after sex.
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ุจู„ ู…ุง ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู†ูˆุง ูŠุชุนุงู†ู‚ูˆู† ุจุนุฏ ุงู„ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ ุฃู… ู„ุง.
01:37
And they are not necessarily couples
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ูƒู…ุง ุฃู†ู‡ู… ู„ูŠุณูˆุง ุจุงู„ุถุฑูˆุฑุฉ ู…ู† ุงู„ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌ
01:39
who constantly can't wait to keep their hands off each other.
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ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ู„ุง ูŠุณุชุทูŠุนูˆู† ู…ูู‚ุงูˆู…ุฉ ู„ูŽู…ุณ ุจุนุถู‡ู… ู„ุจุนุถู ุทูˆุงู„ ุงู„ูˆู‚ุช.
01:42
Some of them are.
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ุงู„ุจุนุถ ู…ู†ู‡ู… ูƒุฐู„ูƒุŒ
01:43
They experience what the researchers call "spontaneous desire,"
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ุญูŠุซ ูŠุดุนุฑูˆู† ุจู…ุง ูŠุณู…ูŠู‡ ุงู„ุจุงุญุซูˆู† "ุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ ุงู„ุนููˆูŠุฉ"ุŒ
01:47
that just sort of seems to appear out of the blue.
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ูˆุงู„ุชูŠ ูŠุจุฏูˆ ุฃู†ู‡ุง ุชุธู‡ุฑ ุจุฏูˆู† ู…ูู‚ุฏู‘ู…ุงุช.
01:49
Erika Moen, the cartoonist who illustrated my book,
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ู‚ุงู…ุช "ุฅุฑูŠูƒุง ู…ูˆูŠู†"ุŒ ุฑุณู‘ุงู…ุฉ ุงู„ูƒุงุฑูƒุงุชูŠุฑ ุงู„ุชูŠ ุตู…ู‘ู…ุช ุงู„ุฑู‘ูุณูˆู… ููŠ ูƒุชุงุจูŠุŒ
01:52
draws spontaneous desire as a lightning bolt to the genitals --
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ุจุฑูŽุณู… ุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ ุงู„ุนููˆูŠุฉ ูƒุตุงุนู‚ุฉู ุชูุตูŠุจ ุงู„ุฃุนุถุงุก ุงู„ุชู†ุงุณู„ูŠุฉุŒ
01:56
kaboom! -- you just want it out of the blue.
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ูƒุงุจูˆูˆูˆู…! ูุฃู†ุช ุชุดุนุฑ ุจุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ ูุฌุฃุฉ.
01:59
That is absolutely one normal, healthy way to experience sexual desire.
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ูˆู‡ูŠุŒ ุจุงู„ุชุฃูƒูŠุฏุŒ ุทุฑูŠู‚ุฉ ุทุจูŠุนูŠุฉ ูˆุตุญูŠุฉ ู„ู„ุดุนูˆุฑ ุจุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ.
02:03
But there's another healthy way to experience sexual desire.
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ุชูˆุฌุฏ ุทุฑูŠู‚ุฉ ุตุญูŠุฉ ุฃุฎุฑู‰ ู„ู„ุดุนูˆุฑ ุจุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ.
02:06
It's called "responsive desire."
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ุชูุณู…ู‘ูŽู‰ ุจู€"ุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ ุงู„ู‚ุงุฆู…ุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุงุณุชุฌุงุจุฉ".
02:09
Where spontaneous desire seems to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
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ุจูŠู†ู…ุง ุชุธู‡ูŽุฑ ุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ ุงู„ุนููˆูŠุฉ ุชุฑู‚ู‘ูุจู‹ุง ู„ู„ู…ุชุนุฉุŒ
02:14
responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.
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ูุฅู† ุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ ุงู„ู‚ุงุฆู…ุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุงุณุชุฌุงุจุฉ ุชุธู‡ูŽุฑ ุงุณุชุฌุงุจุฉู‹ ู„ู„ู…ุชุนุฉ.
02:18
There's a sex therapist in New Jersey named Christine Hyde,
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ุชูˆุฌุฏ ู…ูุนุงู„ูุฌุฉ ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ ููŠ ู†ูŠูˆ ุฌูŠุฑุณูŠ ุชูุฏุนู‰ "ูƒุฑูŠุณุชูŠู† ู‡ุงูŠุฏ"ุŒ
02:21
who taught me this great metaphor she uses with her clients.
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ูˆู‡ูŠ ุงู„ุชูŠ ุนู„ู‘ูŽู…ูŽุชู†ูŠ ุฐู„ูƒ ุงู„ุชุดุจูŠู‡ ุงู„ุนุธูŠู… ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุชุณุชุฎุฏู…ู‡ ู…ุน ู…ูŽุฑุถุงู‡ุง.
ุญูŠุซ ุชู‚ูˆู„ุŒ ุชุฎูŠู‘ูŽู„ ุฃู† ุตุฏูŠู‚ูƒ ุงู„ู…ูู‚ุฑู‘ูŽุจ ู‚ุงู… ุจุฏุนูˆุชูƒ ุฅู„ู‰ ุญูู„ู.
02:24
She says, imagine that your best friend invites you to a party.
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02:27
You say yes because it's your best friend and a party.
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ูˆุฃู†ุช ูˆุงูู‚ุชูŽ ู„ุฃู†ู‡ ุตุฏูŠู‚ูƒ ุงู„ู…ูู‚ุฑู‘ูŽุจ ูˆุณุชุฐู‡ุจุงู† ู…ุนู‹ุง ุฅู„ู‰ ุญูู„ู.
02:31
But then, as the date approaches, you start thinking,
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ูˆู„ูƒู† ุจุนุฏ ุฐู„ูƒุŒ ู…ุน ุงู‚ุชุฑุงุจ ุงู„ู…ูˆุนูุฏุŒ ุชุจุฏุฃ ููŠ ุงู„ุชููƒูŠุฑุŒ
02:34
"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.
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"ุฃูˆู‡ุŒ ุณูŠูƒูˆู† ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ุงุฒุฏุญุงู… ู…ุฑูˆุฑูŠ.
02:36
We have to find child care.
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ูŠุฌุจ ุฃู† ู†ุนุซูุฑ ุนู„ู‰ ุฌู„ูŠุณู ู„ู„ุฃุทูุงู„.
02:38
Am I really going to want to put my party clothes on
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ู‡ู„ ุฃูุฑูŠุฏ ุญู‚ู‘ู‹ุง ุงุฑุชุฏุงุก ู…ู„ุงุจุณ ุงู„ุญูู„
ูˆุงู„ุฐู‡ุงุจ ุฅู„ูŠู‡ ููŠ ุนุทู„ุฉ ู†ู‡ุงูŠุฉ ุงู„ุฃุณุจูˆุนุŸ"
02:41
and get there at the end of the week?"
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02:42
But you put on your party clothes and you show up to the party,
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ูˆู„ูƒู†ูƒ ุชุฑุชุฏูŠ ู…ู„ุงุจุณ ุงู„ุญูู„ ูˆุชุฐู‡ุจ ุฅู„ูŠู‡ุŒ
02:46
and what happens?
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ูˆู…ุงุฐุง ูŠุญุฏูุซุŸ
02:47
You have a good time at the party.
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ุชุญุธูŽู‰ ุจูˆู‚ุชู ุฌูŠุฏู ููŠ ุงู„ุญูู„.
02:49
If you are having fun at the party,
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ูˆุฅุฐุง ูƒูู†ุชูŽ ุชุณุชู…ุชุน ุจู‡ุŒ
ูู‚ุฏ ู‚ูู…ุชูŽ ุจุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ุงู„ุตุญูŠุญ ุฅุฐู†.
02:52
you are doing it right.
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02:54
When it comes to a sexual connection, it's the same thing.
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ูˆุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ู†ูุณู‡ ูŠู†ุทุจู‚ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉุŒ
02:57
You put on your party clothes,
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ูุฃู†ุช ุชุฑุชุฏูŠ ู…ู„ุงุจุณ ุงู„ุญูู„ุŒ
02:58
you set up the child care,
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ูˆุชุฃุชูŠ ุจุฌู„ูŠุณู ู„ุฑุนุงูŠุฉ ุงู„ุฃุทูุงู„ุŒ
03:00
you put your body in the bed,
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ูˆุชุณุชู„ู‚ูŠ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ููุฑุงุดุŒ
03:02
you let your skin touch your partner's skin
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ุซูู… ุชุฏูŽุน ุฌุณุฏูŽูƒ ูŠูู„ุงู…ุณ ุฌุณุฏ ุดุฑูŠูƒููƒุŒ
03:04
and allow your body to wake up and remember,
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ูˆุชุณู…ุญ ู„ุฌุณุฏูƒ ุฃู† ูŠุณุชููŠู‚ ูˆูŠุชุฐูƒุฑุŒ
03:07
"Oh, right! I like this.
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"ุฃูˆู‡ุŒ ุตุญูŠุญ! ูŠุนุฌุจู†ูŠ ุฐู„ูƒ.
03:09
I like this person!"
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ูˆุฃู†ุง ู…ุนุฌุจ ุจู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ุดุฎุต!"
03:11
That's responsive desire,
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ุชู„ูƒ ู‡ูŠ ุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ ุงู„ู‚ุงุฆู…ุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ุงุณุชุฌุงุจุฉ.
03:13
and it is key to understanding the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection
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ูˆู‡ูŠ ุงู„ู…ูุชุงุญ ู„ูู‡ู… ุงู„ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌ ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ูŠุญุงูุธูˆู† ุนู„ู‰ ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุญู…ูŠู…ูŠุฉ ู‚ูˆูŠุฉ ูˆู…ูุณุชุฏุงู…ุฉ
03:18
over the long term,
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ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ู…ุฏู‰ ุงู„ุจุนูŠุฏ.
03:19
because -- and this is the part where I tell my friends
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ู„ุฃู†ุŒ ู‡ุฐุง ู‡ูˆ ุงู„ุฌุฒุก ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุฃุฎุจุฑุชู ููŠู‡ ุตุฏูŠู‚ูŠู‘ูŽ
03:22
the two characteristics of the couples who do sustain a strong sexual connection --
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ุจุงู„ุณู‘ูู…ุชูŠู† ุงู„ู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏุชูŠู† ู„ุฏู‰ ุงู„ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌ ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ูŠุญุงูุธูˆู† ุนู„ู‰ ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ ู‚ูˆูŠุฉุŒ
03:26
one, they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship.
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ุฃูˆู„ุงู‹ุŒ ู„ุฏูŠู‡ู… ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุตุฏุงู‚ุฉ ู‚ูˆูŠุฉ ูƒุฃุณุงุณู ู„ุนู„ุงู‚ุชู‡ู…ุŒ
03:31
Specifically, they have strong trust.
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ูˆุนู„ู‰ ูˆุฌู‡ ุงู„ุชุญุฏูŠุฏุŒ ุชูˆุฌูŽุฏ ุจูŠู†ู‡ู…ุง ุซู‚ุฉูŒ ูƒุจูŠุฑุฉ.
03:34
Relationship researcher and therapist,
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ุงู„ุจุงุญุซุฉ ููŠ ุงู„ุนู„ุงู‚ุงุช ูˆุงู„ู…ูุนุงู„ูุฌุฉุŒ
03:36
developer of emotionally focused therapy,
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ูˆู…ูุทูˆู‘ูุฑุฉ ุงู„ุนู„ุงุฌ ุงู„ุนุงุทููŠุŒ
03:38
Sue Johnson,
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"ุณููˆ ุฌูˆู†ุณูˆู†"ุŒ
03:39
boils trust down to this question:
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ุชูู„ุฎู‘ุต ุงู„ุซู‚ุฉ ููŠ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ุณุคุงู„:
03:41
Are you there for me?
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ู‡ู„ ุฃู†ุช ู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏ ู„ุฃุฌู„ูŠุŸ
03:44
Especially, are you emotionally present and available for me?
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ูˆุชุญุฏูŠุฏู‹ุงุŒ ู‡ู„ ุฃู†ุช ุญุงุถุฑ ุนุงุทููŠุงู‹ ูˆู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏ ู„ุฃุฌู„ูŠุŸ
03:48
Friends are there for each other.
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ูุงู„ุฃุตุฏู‚ุงุก ู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏูˆู† ู„ุฃุฌู„ ุจุนุถู‡ู….
03:51
One.
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ูƒุงู† ู‡ุฐุง ุฑู‚ู… ูˆุงุญุฏ.
03:52
The second characteristic is that they prioritize sex.
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ูˆุงู„ุณู‘ูู…ุฉ ุงู„ุซุงู†ูŠุฉ ู‡ูŠ ุฃู†ู‡ู… ูŠูุนุทูˆู† ู„ู„ุฌู†ุณ ุฃูˆู„ูˆูŠุฉ.
03:57
They decide that it matters for their relationship.
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ุญูŠุซู ูŠูู‚ุฑุฑูˆู† ุฃู†ู‡ ู…ู‡ู…ูŒ ู…ู† ุฃุฌู„ ุนู„ุงู‚ุชู‡ู….
04:01
They choose to set aside all the other things that they could be doing --
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ูˆูŠุฎุชุงุฑูˆู† ุชู†ุญูŠุฉ ูƒู„ ุงู„ุฃู…ูˆุฑ ุงู„ุฃูุฎุฑู‰ ุงู„ุชูŠ ุชูุจู‚ูŠู‡ู… ู…ุดุบูˆู„ูŠู† ุฌุงู†ุจุงู‹ุ›
04:06
the children they could be raising and the jobs they could be going to,
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ูƒุชุฑุจูŠุฉ ุงู„ุฃุทูุงู„ ูˆุงู„ุงู†ุดุบุงู„ ุจุงู„ุนู…ู„ุŒ
04:09
the other family members to pay attention to,
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ูˆุงู„ุงู‡ุชู…ุงู… ุจุงู„ุขุฎุฑูŠู† ู…ู† ุฃูุฑุงุฏ ุงู„ุนุงุฆู„ุฉุŒ
04:12
the other friends they might want to hang out with.
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ูˆุงู„ุฃุตุฏู‚ุงุก ุงู„ุขุฎุฑูŠู† ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ู‚ุฏ ูŠุฑุบุจูˆู† ููŠ ู…ูู‚ุงุจู„ุชู‡ู…ุŒ
04:14
God forbid they just want to watch some television or go to sleep.
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ู„ูŠุณ ู„ุฃู†ู‡ู… ูู‚ุท ูŠูุฑูŠุฏูˆู† ู…ูุดุงู‡ุฏุฉ ุงู„ุชู„ูุงุฒ ุฃูˆ ุงู„ู†ูˆู… ู„ุง ุณู…ุญ ุงู„ู„ู‡!
04:17
Stop doing all that stuff and create a protected space
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ุชูˆู‚ู‘ูŽู ุนู† ุงู„ุงู†ุดุบุงู„ ุจูƒู„ ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ุฃู…ูˆุฑุŒ ูˆู‚ูู… ุจุฎูŽู„ู‚ ู…ุณุงุญุฉู ุขู…ู†ุฉ
04:21
where all you're going to do is put your body in the bed
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ุจุญูŠุซ ูŠูƒูˆู† ูƒู„ ู…ุง ุนู„ูŠูƒ ูุนู„ู‡ ู‡ูˆ ุฃู† ุชุณุชู„ู‚ูŠ ููŠ ูุฑุงุดูƒ
04:24
and let your skin touch your partner's skin.
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ูˆุชุฏูŽุน ุฌุณุฏูŽูƒ ูŠูู„ุงู…ุณ ุฌุณุฏ ุดุฑูŠูƒูƒ.
ู‡ุฐุง ู‡ูˆ ูƒู„ ู…ุง ููŠ ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ุฅุฐู†.
04:28
So that's it:
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04:29
best friends,
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ู‡ูู… ุฃุตุฏู‚ุงุกูŒ ู…ูู‚ุฑู‘ุจูˆู†ุŒ
04:30
prioritize sex.
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ูˆูŠุนุทูˆู† ุฃูˆู„ูˆูŠุฉ ู„ู„ุฌู†ุณ.
04:33
So I said this to my friends in the bar.
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ูˆู‚ู„ุช ุฐู„ูƒ ู„ุตุฏูŠู‚ูŠู‘ูŽ ููŠ ุงู„ุญุงู†ุฉ.
ุฃุฎุจุฑุชู‡ู…ุง ุนู† ุงู„ุฃุตุฏู‚ุงุก ุงู„ู…ูู‚ุฑู‘ุจูŠู† ูˆุฅุนุทุงุก ุงู„ุฌู†ุณ ุฃูˆู„ูˆูŠุฉุŒ ูˆุฃุฎุจุฑุชู‡ู…ุง ุนู† ู…ุซุงู„ ุงู„ุญูู„ุŒ
04:35
I was like, best friends, prioritize sex, I told them about the party,
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04:38
I said you put your skin next to your partner's skin.
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ูƒู…ุง ู‚ูู„ุช ู„ู‡ู…ุง ุฃู† ูŠุฌุนู„ุง ุฌุณุฏูŠู‡ู…ุง ูŠุชู„ุงู…ุณุงู†
04:41
And one of the partners I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."
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ูุนู„ู‘ูŽู‚ ุฃุญุฏ ุงู„ุฒูˆุฌูŠู† ุงู„ู„ุฐูŠู’ู† ูƒูู†ุชู ุฃูุญุฏู‘ูุซู‡ู…ุง ู‚ุงุฆู„ู‹ุง: "ุขุขุขุขุขุขู‡".
04:46
(Laughter)
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(ูŽุถุญูƒ)
04:47
And I was like, "OK, so, there's your problem."
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ูู‚ูู„ุช: "ุญุณู†ุงู‹ุŒ ู‡ุง ู‡ูŠ ู…ูุดูƒู„ุชูƒู…ุง".
04:49
(Laughter)
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(ุถุญูƒ)
04:50
The difficulty was not that they did not want to go to the party, necessarily.
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ู„ู… ุชูƒูู† ุงู„ู…ูุดูƒู„ุฉ ุจุงู„ุถุฑูˆุฑุฉ ุฃู†ู‡ู…ุง ู„ู… ูŠูุฑูŠุฏุง ุงู„ุฐู‡ุงุจ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ุญูู„ุŒ
04:54
If the difficulty is just a lack of spontaneous desire for party,
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ู„ุฃู†ู‡ ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู†ุช ุงู„ู…ูุดูƒู„ุฉ ู‡ูŠ ุงู†ุนุฏุงู… ุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ ุงู„ุนููˆูŠุฉ ููŠ ุงู„ุญูู„ุŒ
ูุฃู†ุช ุชุนุฑู ู…ุง ุนู„ูŠูƒ ุงู„ู‚ูŠุงู… ุจู‡:
04:58
you know what to do:
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04:59
you put on your party clothes and show up for the party.
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ูˆู‡ูˆ ุฃู† ุชุฑุชุฏูŠ ู…ู„ุงุจุณ ุงู„ุญูู„ ุซู… ุชุฐู‡ุจ ุฅู„ูŠู‡.
05:01
If you're having fun at the party, you're doing it right.
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ูˆุฅุฐุง ูƒูู†ุชูŽ ุชุณุชู…ุชุน ุจู‡ุŒ ูุฐู„ูƒ ูŠุนู†ูŠ ุฃู†ูƒ ู‚ูู…ุชูŽ ุจุงู„ุดูŠุก ุงู„ุตุญูŠุญ.
05:04
Their difficulty was that this was a party
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ูˆูƒุงู†ุช ุงู„ู…ูุดูƒู„ุฉ ู„ุฏูŠู‡ู…ุง ุฃู†ู‡ ูƒุงู† ุญูู„ู‹ุง
05:06
where she didn't love what there was available to eat,
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ู„ู… ุชูุญุจ ู‡ูŠ ุงู„ุทุนุงู… ุงู„ู…ูู‚ุฏู‘ูŽู… ุฅู„ูŠู‡ุง ููŠู‡ุŒ
05:10
the music was not her favorite music,
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ูˆุงู„ู…ูˆุณูŠู‚ู‰ ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ู„ู… ุชูƒูู† ู…ูˆุณูŠู‚ุงู‡ุง ุงู„ู…ููุถู‘ู„ุฉุŒ
05:12
and she wasn't totally sure she felt great about her relationships with people
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ูƒู…ุง ุฃู†ู‡ุง ุชูƒูู† ู…ุชุฃูƒุฏุฉ ุชู…ุงู…ุงู‹ ุฃู†ู‡ุง ู…ูุณุชู…ุชุนุฉ ููŠ ุนู„ุงู‚ุชู‡ุง ู…ุน ุงู„ุฃุดุฎุงุต
05:16
who were at the party.
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ุงู„ู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏูŠู† ููŠ ุงู„ุญูู„.
05:17
And this happens all the time:
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ูˆูŠุญุฏูุซ ุฐู„ูƒ ุทูˆุงู„ ุงู„ูˆู‚ุชุŒ
05:19
nice people who love each other come to dread sex.
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ุฃู† ู†ุฌุฏ ุฃุดุฎุงุตู‹ุง ุฑุงุฆุนูŠู† ูˆู…ูุญุจูŠู† ู„ุจุนุถู‡ู… ูˆู„ูƒู†ู‡ู… ูŠู†ูุฑูˆู† ู…ู† ู…ูู…ุงุฑุณุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณ.
05:25
These couples, if they seek sex therapy,
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ูˆุนู†ุฏู…ุง ูŠู„ุฌุฃ ู‡ุคู„ุงุก ุงู„ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌ ุฅู„ูŠ ุงู„ุนู„ุงุฌ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠุŒ
05:27
the therapist might have them stand up
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ู‚ุฏ ูŠุทู„ูุจ ุงู„ู…ูุนุงู„ุฌ ู…ู† ุงู„ุฒูˆุฌูŠู† ุงู„ูˆู‚ูˆู
05:29
and put as much distance between their bodies as they need
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ูˆุฅุจุนุงุฏ ุฌุณุฏูŠู‡ู…ุง ุจุงู„ู…ุณุงูุฉ ุงู„ู…ูู†ุงุณุจุฉ ุจูŠู†ู‡ู…ุง ุจุงู„ุดูƒู„ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ูŠุญุชุงุฌุงู† ุฅู„ูŠู‡
05:32
in order to feel comfortable,
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ุญุชูŠ ูŠุดุนูุฑุง ุจุงู„ุฑุงุญุฉุŒ
05:34
and the less interested partner will make 20 feet of space.
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ููŠู‚ูˆู… ุงู„ุดุฑูŠูƒ ุงู„ุฃู‚ู„ ุฑุบุจุฉู‹ ุจุงู„ุงุจุชุนุงุฏ ุจู…ุณุงูุฉ 20 ู‚ุฏู…ู‹ุง.
05:39
And the really difficult part is that space is not empty.
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ูˆุงู„ุฌุฒุก ุงู„ุฃุตุนุจ ู‡ูˆ ุฃู† ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู…ุณุงุญุฉ ู„ูŠุณุช ูุงุฑุบุฉ.
05:43
It is crowded with weeks or months or more
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ุจู„ ู…ู„ูŠุฆุฉ ุจุฃุณุงุจูŠุน ุฃูˆ ุดู‡ูˆุฑู ุฃูˆ ุฃูƒุซุฑ
05:48
of the, "You're not listening to me,"
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ุนู„ู‰ ุดุงูƒู„ุฉ: "ุฃู†ุช ู„ุง ุชุณุชู…ุน ุฅู„ูŠ"ุŒ
05:50
and "I don't know what's wrong with me but your criticism isn't helping,"
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ูˆ"ู„ุง ุฃุฏุฑูŠ ู…ุง ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุญู„ู‘ูŽ ุจูŠุŒ ู„ูƒู† ุงู†ุชู‚ุงุฏุงุชูƒ ู„ุง ุชูุณุงุนุฏู†ูŠ ุฃูŠุถู‹ุง"ุŒ
05:53
and, "If you loved me, you would," and, "You're not there for me."
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ูˆูƒุฐู„ูƒ "ู„ูˆ ูƒูู†ุช ุชุญุจู†ูŠุŒ ู„ูƒุงู†ุช ู„ุฏูŠูƒ ุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ"ุŒ ูˆ"ุฃู†ุช ู„ุณุชูŽ ู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏู‹ุง ู„ุฃุฌู„ูŠ".
05:56
Years, maybe, of all these difficult feelings.
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ูˆู‚ุฏ ุชุชุฑุงูƒู… ูƒูู„ ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู…ุดุงุนุฑ ุงู„ุตุนุจุฉ ู„ุฃุนูˆุงู…ูุŒ
06:00
In the book, I use this really silly metaphor
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ููŠ ูƒุชุงุจูŠุŒ ุงุณุชุฎุฏู…ุชู ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ุชุดุจูŠู‡ ุงู„ุจุณูŠุท ุญู‚ุงู‹
06:03
of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs
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ู„ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู…ุดุงุนุฑ ุงู„ุตุนุจุฉ ูƒุฃู†ู‡ุง ู‚ู†ุงูุฐ ู†ุงุฆู…ุฉ
06:06
that you are fostering until you can find a way to set them free
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ุชู‚ูˆู… ุจุงู„ุงุนุชู†ุงุก ุจู‡ุง ุฅู„ู‰ ุฃู† ุชุณุชุทูŠุน ุฅูŠุฌุงุฏ ุทุฑูŠู‚ุฉู ู„ุฅุทู„ุงู‚ ุณุฑุงุญู‡ู…ุ›
06:10
by turning toward them with kindness and compassion.
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ุนู† ุทุฑูŠู‚ ู…ูุนุงู…ู„ุชู‡ู… ุจุฑูู‚ู ูˆุฑุญู…ุฉู.
06:14
And the couples who struggle to maintain a strong sexual connection,
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ูˆุงู„ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌ ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ูŠูˆุงุฌู‡ูˆู† ู…ูุดูƒู„ุฉู‹ ููŠ ุงู„ุฅุจู‚ุงุก ุนู„ู‰ ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุญู…ูŠู…ูŠุฉ ู‚ูˆูŠุฉุŒ
06:17
the distance between them is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.
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ุชู…ุชู„ุฆ ุงู„ู…ุณุงูุฉ ุจูŠู†ู‡ู… ุจุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู‚ู†ุงูุฐ ุงู„ู†ุงุฆู…ุฉุŒ
06:21
And it happens in any relationship that lasts long enough.
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ูˆู‡ูˆ ู…ุง ูŠุญุฏูุซ ููŠ ุฃูŠุฉ ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุชุณุชู…ุฑ ู„ูุชุฑุฉ ุทูˆูŠู„ุฉ.
06:24
You, too, are fostering a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs
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ูุฃู†ุช ุฃูŠุถู‹ุง ู„ุฏูŠูƒ ุงู„ู‚ู„ูŠู„ ู…ู† ุงู„ู‚ู†ุงูุฐ ุงู„ู†ุงุฆู…ุฉ
06:28
between you and your certain special someone.
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ุงู„ู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏุฉ ุจูŠู†ูƒ ูˆุจูŠู† ุงู„ุดุฎุต ุงู„ู…ูู…ูŠู‘ูŽุฒ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุชูุญุจู‡.
06:30
The difference between couples who sustain a strong sexual connection
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ุงู„ูุฑู‚ ุจูŠู† ุงู„ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌ ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ูŠูุจู‚ูˆู† ุนู„ู‰ ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุญู…ูŠู…ูŠุฉ ู‚ูˆูŠุฉ
06:34
and the ones who don't
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ูˆุงู„ุฐูŠู† ู„ุง ูŠูุนู„ูˆู† ุฐู„ูƒุŒ
06:35
is not that they don't experience these difficult hurt feelings,
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ู„ูŠุณ ุฃู†ู‡ู… ู„ุง ูŠุชุนุงุทูˆู† ู…ุน ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู…ุดุงุนุฑ ุงู„ุตุนุจุฉ ูˆุงู„ู…ุคู„ูู…ุฉุŒ
06:39
it's that they turn towards those difficult feelings
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ุจู„ ุฃู†ู‡ู… ูŠุชุนุงุทูˆู† ู…ุน ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู…ุดุงุนุฑ ุงู„ุตุนุจุฉ
06:41
with kindness and compassion
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ุจุฑูู‚ู ูˆุฑุญู…ุฉูุŒ
06:44
so that they can set them free
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ุญุชู‰ ูŠุชู…ูƒู†ูˆุง ู…ู† ุฅุทู„ุงู‚ ุณุฑุงุญู‡ุง
06:46
and find their way back to each other.
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ูˆุฅูŠุฌุงุฏ ุทุฑูŠู‡ู… ู„ู„ุนูˆุฏุฉ ู„ุจุนุถู‡ู… ุงู„ุจุนุถ.
06:49
So my friends in the bar are faced with the question under the question,
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ูˆุจุงู„ุชุงู„ูŠุŒ ูุตุฏูŠู‚ุงูŠ ููŠ ุงู„ุญุงู†ุฉ ูƒุงู†ุง ูŠูˆุงุฌู‡ุงู† ุณุคุงู„ู‹ุง ุขุฎูŽุฑ ู…ุชูุฑุนู‹ุง ู…ู† ุงู„ุณุคุงู„ ุงู„ุฃูˆู„ุŒ
06:53
not, "How do we sustain a strong connection?"
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ูู‡ูˆ ู„ูŠุณ: "ูƒูŠู ูŠูู…ูƒู†ู†ุง ุงู„ุญูุงุธ ุนู„ู‰ ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุญู…ูŠู…ูŠุฉ ู‚ูˆูŠุฉุŸ"
06:56
but, "How do we find our way back to it?"
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ุจู„: "ูƒูŠู ูŠูู…ูƒู†ู†ุง ุฅูŠุฌุงุฏ ุทุฑูŠู‚ู†ุง ู„ู„ุนูˆุฏุฉ ุฅู„ูŠู‡ุง ู…ุฌุฏุฏู‹ุงุŸ"
06:59
And, yes, there is science to answer this question,
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ุฃุฌู„ุŒ ุชูˆุฌุฏ ุฅุฌุงุจุฉ ุนู„ู…ูŠุฉ ู„ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ุณุคุงู„ุŒ
ูˆู„ูƒู† ุฎู„ุงู„ ุนู…ูŽู„ูŠ ูƒุฃุฎุตุงุฆูŠุฉ ููŠ ุงู„ุชุซู‚ูŠู ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠ ู„ู…ุฏุฉ 25 ุนุงู…ู‹ุงุŒ
07:02
but in 25 years as a sex educator,
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07:04
one thing I have learned is sometimes, Emily,
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ู‡ู†ุงูƒ ุดูŠุก ู‚ุฏ ุชุนู„ู…ุชูู‡ุ› ูˆู‡ูˆ ุฃู† ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ูŠุชุทู„ู‘ุจ ุฃุญูŠุงู†ู‹ุง
07:06
less science,
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ุงู„ู‚ู„ูŠู„ ู…ู† ุงู„ุนูู„ู…ุŒ
07:09
more hedgehogs.
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ูˆุงู„ู…ุฒูŠุฏ ู…ู† ุงู„ู‚ู†ุงูุฐ.
07:10
So I told them about me.
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ู„ุฐู„ูƒ ุฃุฎุจุฑุชู‡ู… ุนู†ู‘ูŠ.
07:12
I spent many months writing a book about the science of women's sexual well-being.
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ูƒูู†ุช ุฃู…ุถูŠุชู ุดู‡ูˆุฑู‹ุง ุนุฏูŠุฏุฉ ุฃูƒุชูุจ ุนู† ุนูู„ู… ุงู„ุตุญุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ ู„ู„ู…ุฑุฃุฉ.
07:18
I was thinking about sex all day, every day,
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ูˆูƒุงู† ุชููƒูŠุฑูŠ ูŠุฏูˆุฑ ุญูˆู„ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณ ุทูˆุงู„ ุงู„ูŠูˆู…ุŒ ูƒู„ ูŠูˆู….
07:21
and I was so stressed by the project that I had zero -- zero! -- interest
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ูˆูƒู†ุชู ู…ูุฑู‡ู‚ุฉู‹ ูˆู…ูุชูˆุชุฑุฉ ู„ู„ุบุงูŠุฉ ุจุณุจุจ ุนู…ูŽู„ูŠ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ุญุฏ ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุฃุตุจุญุชู ููŠู‡
ุจู„ุง ุฃูŠ ุฑุบุจุฉ ู„ู…ูู…ุงุฑุณุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณ ููŠ ุงู„ูˆุงู‚ุน.
07:25
in actually having any sex.
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07:28
And then I spent months traveling all over,
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ุซู… ู‚ุถูŠุชู ุดู‡ูˆุฑู‹ุง ููŠ ุงู„ุณูุฑ ุญูˆู„ ุงู„ุนุงู„ู…ุŒ
07:30
talking with anyone who would listen
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ุฃุชุญุฏุซู ู…ุน ุฃูŠ ุดุฎุต ู‚ุฏ ูŠุฑุบุจ ููŠ ุงู„ุงุณุชู…ุงุน
07:32
about the science of women's sexual well-being.
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ู„ู…ุนู„ูˆู…ุงุชู ุนู† ุนูู„ู… ุงู„ุตุญุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ ู„ู„ู…ุฑุฃุฉ.
07:34
And by the time I got home, you know,
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ูˆุญูŠู†ู…ุง ูƒู†ุชู ุฃุนูˆุฏ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ู…ู†ุฒู„ุŒ
07:36
I'd show up for the party, put my body in the bed,
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ูƒู†ุชู ุฃุฐู‡ุจ ุฅู„ู‰ ุงู„ุญูู„ุŒ ูˆุฃุณุชู„ู‚ูŠ ุจุฌุณุฏูŠ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ูุฑุงุด
07:39
let my skin touch my partner's skin,
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ูˆุฃุฏูŽุนู ุฌุณุฏูŠ ูŠูู„ุงู…ุณ ุฌุณุฏ ุดุฑูŠูƒูŠุŒ
07:41
and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I would just cry and fall asleep.
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ูˆุฃู†ุง ููŠ ุดุฏุฉ ุงู„ุฅุฌู‡ุงุฏ ูˆุงู„ุฅุฑู‡ุงู‚ ุฅู„ู‰ ุฏุฑุฌุฉ ุฃู†ู†ูŠ ูƒู†ุชู ุฃุจูƒูŠ ุซู… ูŠุบู„ุจู†ูŠ ุงู„ู†ู‘ูุนุงุณ.
07:46
And the months of isolation fostered fear and loneliness
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ูˆุดู‡ูˆุฑ ู…ู† ุงู„ุนุฒู„ุฉ ุนุฒู‘ูŽุฒูŽุช ู…ู† ู…ุดุงุนุฑ ุงู„ุฎูˆู ูˆุงู„ูˆุญุฏุฉ
07:52
and frustration.
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ูˆุงู„ุฅุญุจุงุท.
07:54
So many hedgehogs.
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ุงู„ูƒุซูŠุฑ ู…ู† ุงู„ู‚ู†ุงูุฐ.
07:57
My best friend, this person I love and admire,
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ูุตุฏูŠู‚ูŠ ุงู„ู…ูู‚ุฑู‘ูŽุจุŒ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ุดุฎุต ุงู„ุฐูŠ ุฃูุญุจู‡ ูˆุฃุชุทู„ู‘ุน ุฅู„ูŠู‡ ุจุฅุนุฌุงุจูุŒ
08:01
felt a million miles away.
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ูƒู†ุชู ุฃุดุนุฑ ูƒุฃู†ู‡ ุนู„ู‰ ุจูุนุฏ ู…ู„ุงูŠูŠู† ุงู„ุฃู…ูŠุงู„ ู…ู†ู‘ูŠ.
08:05
But ...
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ู„ูƒู†...
08:07
he was still there for me.
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ูƒุงู† ู„ุง ูŠุฒุงู„ ู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏู‹ุง ู„ุฃุฌู„ูŠ.
08:08
No matter how many difficult feelings there were,
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ุจุบูŽุถ ุงู„ู†ุธุฑ ุนู† ูƒูŽู…ู‘ู ุงู„ู…ุดุงุนุฑ ุงู„ุตุนุจุฉ ุงู„ุชูŠ ูƒุงู†ุช ู…ูˆุฌูˆุฏุฉุŒ
08:12
he turned toward them with kindness and compassion.
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ูƒุงู† ูŠุชุนุงู…ู„ ู…ุนู‡ุง ุจุฑูู‚ู ูˆุฑุญู…ุฉูุŒ
08:14
He never turned away.
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ูˆู„ู… ูŠุชุฎู„ู‘ูŽ ุนู†ู‘ูŠ ุฃุจุฏู‹ุง.
08:17
And what was the second characteristic
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ูˆู…ุงุฐุง ูƒุงู†ุช ุงู„ุณู‘ูู…ุฉ ุงู„ุซุงู†ูŠุฉ
08:19
of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection?
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ู„ู„ุฃุฒูˆุงุฌ ุงู„ุฐูŠู† ูŠุถู…ู†ูˆู† ุนู„ู‰ ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุญู…ูŠู…ูŠุฉ ู‚ูˆูŠุฉุŸ
08:22
They prioritize sex.
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ูŠุนุทูˆู† ู„ู„ุฌู†ุณ ุฃูˆู„ูˆูŠุฉ.
08:24
They decide that it matters for their relationship,
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ูŠู‚ุฑุฑูˆู† ุฃู†ู‡ ู…ูู‡ู…ูŒ ู„ุนู„ุงู‚ุชู‡ู…ุŒ
08:27
that they do what it takes to find their way back to the connection.
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ูƒู…ุง ูŠู‚ูˆู…ูˆู† ุจู…ุง ูŠุชุทู„ุจู‡ ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ู…ู† ุฃุฌู„ ุฅูŠุฌุงุฏ ุทุฑูŠู‚ุฉู ู„ุงุณุชุนุงุฏุฉ ุงู„ุชูˆุงุตูู„ ูˆุงู„ุญู…ูŠู…ูŠุฉ.
08:31
I told my friends what sex therapist and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.
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ุฃุฎุจุฑุชู ุตุฏูŠู‚ูŠู‘ูŽ ุจู…ูŽุง ู‚ุงู„ุชู‡ ุงู„ู…ูุนุงู„ูุฌุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ ูˆุงู„ุจุงุญุซุฉ "ุจูŠุฌูŠ ูƒู„ุงูŠู†ุจู„ุงุชุฒ".
08:34
She asks: What kind of sex is worth wanting?
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ุญูŠุซ ุณุฃู„ูŽุชู†ุง: ู…ุง ู‡ูˆ ู†ูˆุน ุงู„ุฌู†ุณ ุงู„ู…ุซูŠุฑ ู„ู„ุฑุบุจุฉุŸ
08:39
My partner and I looked at the quality of our connection
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ูุชุฃู…ู„ุชู ุฃู†ุง ูˆุดุฑูŠูƒูŠ ู…ุฏู‰ ุญู…ูŠู…ูŠุฉ ุงู„ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุฃุซู†ุงุก ุงุชุตุงู„ู†ุง
08:43
and what it brought to our lives,
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ูˆู…ุง ุฃุถุงููŽุชู‡ ุฅู„ู‰ ุญูŠุงุชู†ุงุŒ
08:45
and we looked at the family of sleepy hedgehogs
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ูˆุชุฃู…ู„ู†ุง ู…ุฌู…ูˆุนุฉ ุงู„ู‚ู†ุงูุฐ ุงู„ู†ุงุฆู…ุฉ
08:48
I had introduced into our home.
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ุงู„ุชูŠ ูƒูู†ุชู ู‚ุฏ ุฌู„ูŽุจุชูู‡ุง ุฅู„ู‰ ู…ู†ุฒู„ู†ุง.
08:53
And we decided it was worth it.
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ุซู… ู‚ุฑุฑู†ุง ุฃู† ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ูƒุงู† ูŠุณุชุญู‚ ุงู„ุนู†ุงุก.
08:55
We decided -- we chose -- to do what it took to find our way,
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ู‚ุฑุฑู†ุง ูˆุงุฎุชุฑู†ุง ุฃู† ู†ู‚ูˆู… ุจู…ุง ูŠุชุทู„ุจู‡ ุงู„ุฃู…ุฑ ู„ุฅูŠุฌุงุฏ ุทุฑูŠู‚ู†ุงุŒ
09:00
turning towards each of those sleepy hedgehogs,
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ูˆู†ูˆุงุฌู‡ ูˆู†ุชุนุงู…ู„ ู…ุน ูƒู„ ูˆุงุญุฏู ู…ู† ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู‚ู†ุงูุฐ ุงู„ู†ุงุฆู…ุฉุŒ
09:02
those difficult hurt feelings,
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ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ู…ุดุงุนุฑ ุงู„ุตุนุจุฉ ูˆุงู„ู…ุคู„ู…ุฉุŒ
09:04
with kindness and compassion
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ุจุฑูู‚ู ูˆุฑุญู…ุฉู
09:05
and setting them free so that we could find our way back
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ุซู… ู†ูุทู„ู‚ ุณุฑุงุญู‡ู… ู„ูŠุชุณู†ู‘ู‰ ู„ู†ุง ุฃู† ู†ุฌุฏ ุทุฑูŠู‚ู†ุง ู„ู„ุนูˆุฏุฉ
09:08
to the connection that mattered for our relationship.
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ู„ู„ุชูˆุงุตู„ ูˆุงู„ุญู…ูŠู…ูŠุฉ ุงู„ุชูŠ ุจูŠู†ู†ุง ูˆุงู„ู…ู‡ู…ุฉ ู…ู† ุฃุฌู„ ุนู„ุงู‚ุชู†ุง.
09:13
This is not the story we are usually told
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ู„ูŠุณุช ู‡ุฐู‡ ู‡ูŠ ุงู„ู‚ุตุฉ ุงู„ุชูŠ ุชูุฑูˆูŽู‰ ู„ู†ุง ุนุงุฏุฉู‹
09:15
about how sexual desire works in long-term relationships.
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ุนู† ูƒูŠููŠุฉ ุงุณุชู…ุฑุงุฑ ุงู„ุฑุบุจุฉ ุงู„ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ ููŠ ุงู„ุนู„ุงู‚ุงุช ุทูˆูŠู„ุฉ ุงู„ุฃุฌู„.
09:19
But I can think of nothing more romantic,
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ู„ูƒู†ู†ูŠ ู„ุง ุฃุณุชุทูŠุน ุงู„ุชููƒูŠุฑ ููŠ ุดูŠุก ุฃูƒุซุฑ ุฑูˆู…ุงู†ุณูŠุฉู‹ุŒ
09:23
nothing sexier,
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ูˆู„ุง ุฃุดุฏ ุฅุซุงุฑุฉุŒ
09:24
than being chosen as a priority
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ู…ู† ูˆุถุนู ุงู„ุดู‘ูŽุฑูŠูƒ ูƒุฃูˆู„ูˆูŠุฉ
09:29
because that connection matters enough,
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ู„ุฃู† ุชู„ูƒ ุงู„ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุงู„ุญู…ูŠู…ูŠุฉ ู…ู‡ู…ุฉ ู„ู„ุบุงูŠุฉุŒ
09:32
even after I introduced all of these difficult feelings into our relationship.
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ุญุชู‰ ุจุนุฏ ุฃู† ุฌู„ุจุชู ูƒู„ ู‡ุฐู‡ ุงู„ู…ุดุงุนุฑ ุงู„ุตุนุจุฉ ุฅู„ู‰ ุนู„ุงู‚ุชู†ุง.
09:38
How do you sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term?
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ูƒูŠู ุชุถู…ู† ุนู„ุงู‚ุฉ ุฌู†ุณูŠุฉ ู‚ูˆูŠุฉ ูˆู…ูุณุชุฏุงู…ุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ุงู„ู…ุฏู‰ ุงู„ุจุนูŠุฏุŸ
09:44
You look into the eyes of your best friend,
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ุชู‚ูˆู… ุจุงู„ู†ุธุฑ ููŠ ุนูŠู†ูŽูŠ ุตุฏูŠู‚ูƒ ุงู„ู…ูู‚ุฑู‘ุจุŒ
09:47
and you keep choosing to find your way back.
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ูˆุชุณุชู…ุฑุงู† ููŠ ุงุฎุชูŠุงุฑ ุฃู† ุชุจุญุซุง ุนู† ุทุฑูŠู‚ ุงู„ุนูˆุฏุฉ ุฅู„ู‰ ุจุนุถูƒู…ุง ู…ุฌุฏุฏู‹ุง.
09:51
Thank you.
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ุดููƒุฑุงู‹ ู„ูƒู….
09:53
(Applause)
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(ุชุตููŠู‚)
ุญูˆู„ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ู…ูˆู‚ุน

ุณูŠู‚ุฏู… ู„ูƒ ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ู…ูˆู‚ุน ู…ู‚ุงุทุน ููŠุฏูŠูˆ YouTube ุงู„ู…ููŠุฏุฉ ู„ุชุนู„ู… ุงู„ู„ุบุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ. ุณุชุฑู‰ ุฏุฑูˆุณ ุงู„ู„ุบุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ ุงู„ุชูŠ ูŠุชู… ุชุฏุฑูŠุณู‡ุง ู…ู† ู‚ุจู„ ู…ุฏุฑุณูŠู† ู…ู† ุงู„ุฏุฑุฌุฉ ุงู„ุฃูˆู„ู‰ ู…ู† ุฌู…ูŠุน ุฃู†ุญุงุก ุงู„ุนุงู„ู…. ุงู†ู‚ุฑ ู†ู‚ุฑู‹ุง ู…ุฒุฏูˆุฌู‹ุง ููˆู‚ ุงู„ุชุฑุฌู…ุฉ ุงู„ุฅู†ุฌู„ูŠุฒูŠุฉ ุงู„ู…ุนุฑูˆุถุฉ ุนู„ู‰ ูƒู„ ุตูุญุฉ ููŠุฏูŠูˆ ู„ุชุดุบูŠู„ ุงู„ููŠุฏูŠูˆ ู…ู† ู‡ู†ุงูƒ. ูŠุชู… ุชู…ุฑูŠุฑ ุงู„ุชุฑุฌู…ุงุช ุจุงู„ุชุฒุงู…ู† ู…ุน ุชุดุบูŠู„ ุงู„ููŠุฏูŠูˆ. ุฅุฐุง ูƒุงู† ู„ุฏูŠูƒ ุฃูŠ ุชุนู„ูŠู‚ุงุช ุฃูˆ ุทู„ุจุงุช ุŒ ูŠุฑุฌู‰ ุงู„ุงุชุตุงู„ ุจู†ุง ุจุงุณุชุฎุฏุงู… ู†ู…ูˆุฐุฌ ุงู„ุงุชุตุงู„ ู‡ุฐุง.

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