How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | Emily Nagoski

Prevoditelj: Martina Peraic Recezent: Sanda L

I'm sitting in a bar with a couple of friends --

Sjedim u kafiću s parom prijatelja --

literally, a couple, married couple.

doslovno s parom, vjenčanim parom.

They're the parents of two young children,

Roditelji su dvoje male djece,

seven academic degrees between them,

zajedno imaju sedam završenih obrazovanja,

big nerds, really nice people but very sleep-deprived.

veliki štreberi, zaista krasni ljudi, ali s velikim manjkom sna.

And they ask me the question I get asked more than any other question.

I postave mi pitanje koje me ljudi pitaju češće od bilo kojeg drugog pitanja.

They go, "So, Emily,

Kažu, "Pa, Emily,

how do couples, you know, sustain a strong sexual connection

kako da parovi, znaš, održe jaku seksualnu povezanost

over multiple decades?"

tijekom više desetljeća?"

Ja sam edukatorica o spolnosti, zbog čega me prijatelji ispituju ovakva pitanja,

I'm a sex educator, which is why my friends ask me questions like this,

and I am also a big nerd like my friends.

a također sam i veliki štreber poput mojih prijatelja.

I love science, which is why I can give them something like an answer.

Obožavam znanost, zbog čega im i mogu ponuditi nekakav odgovor.

Research actually has pretty solid evidence

Istraživanja zapravo nude vrlo čvrste dokaze

that couples who sustain strong sexual connections

da parovi koji održavaju jako seksualnu povezanost

over multiple decades

tijekom više desetljeća,

have two things in common.

imaju dvije zajedničke stvari.

Before I can tell my friends what those two things are,

Prije negoli kažem svojim prijateljima koje su to dvije stvari,

I have to tell them a few things that they are not.

moram im spomenuti nekoliko stvari koje to nisu.

These are not couples who have sex very often.

To nisu parovi koji često imaju spolne odnose.

Almost none of us have sex very often.

Gotovo nitko od nas nema često spolne odnose.

We are busy.

Zauzeti smo.

They are also not couples who necessarily have wild, adventurous sex.

To nisu ni parovi koji nužno imaju divlji, avanturistički seks.

One recent study actually found

Nedavna studija zapravo je otkrila

that the couples who are most strongly predicted

da parovi za koje je najvjerojatnije

to have strong sexual and relationship satisfaction,

da će imati jako zadovoljstvo vezom i spolnošću,

the best predictor of that

najbolje predviđanje za to

is not what kind of sex they have

nije kakav seks imaju,

or how often or where they have it

ni koliko često, niti gdje,

but whether they cuddle after sex.

nego maze li se nakon seksa.

And they are not necessarily couples

I to nisu nužno parovi

who constantly can't wait to keep their hands off each other.

koji neprestano ne mogu maknuti ruke jedno s drugoga.

Some of them are.

Neki od njih su takvi.

They experience what the researchers call "spontaneous desire,"

Oni doživljavaju ono što istraživači nazivaju "spontanom žudnjom",

that just sort of seems to appear out of the blue.

koja se nekako samo pojavi niotkud.

Erika Moen, the cartoonist who illustrated my book,

Erika Moen, crtačica stripova koja je ilustrirala moju knjigu,

draws spontaneous desire as a lightning bolt to the genitals --

crta spontanu žudnju kao munju koja sijevne u genitalija --

kaboom! -- you just want it out of the blue.

bum! -- samo odjednom to poželiš.

That is absolutely one normal, healthy way to experience sexual desire.

To je sasvim jedan normalan, zdrav način doživljavanja spolne žudnje.

But there's another healthy way to experience sexual desire.

Ali postoji još jedan zdrav način doživljavanja spolne žudnje.

It's called "responsive desire."

Naziva se "reaktivna žudnja".

Where spontaneous desire seems to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,

Dok se spontana žudnja pojavi u očekivanju ugode,

responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.

reaktivna žudnja se pojavi kao reakcija na ugodu.

There's a sex therapist in New Jersey named Christine Hyde,

Seksualna terapeutkinja u New Jerseyu, Christine Hyde,

who taught me this great metaphor she uses with her clients.

naučila me sjajnoj metafori koju koristi sa svojim klijentima.

She says, imagine that your best friend invites you to a party.

Kaže, zamisli da te najbolji prijatelj pozove na tulum.

You say yes because it's your best friend and a party.

Pristaneš zato što je to tvoj najbolji prijatelj i radi se o tulumu.

But then, as the date approaches, you start thinking,

Ali onda, kako se bliži taj dan, počneš razmišljati,

"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.

"Uh, bit će toliko prometa.

We have to find child care.

Moramo se pobrinuti za dadilju.

Am I really going to want to put my party clothes on

Hoću li doista željeti obući odjeću za tulumarenje

and get there at the end of the week?"

i otići tamo na kraju tjedna?"

But you put on your party clothes and you show up to the party,

Ali obučeš odjeću za tulumarenje i pojaviš se na tulumu,

and what happens?

i što se dogodi?

You have a good time at the party.

Dobro se provedeš na tulumu.

If you are having fun at the party,

Ako se zabavljaš na tulumu,

you are doing it right.

činiš ispravnu stvar.

When it comes to a sexual connection, it's the same thing.

Kada se radi o spolnoj povezanosti, potpuno je jednako.

You put on your party clothes,

Obučeš odjeću za tulumarenje,

you set up the child care,

pobrineš se za dadilju,

you put your body in the bed,

staviš svoje tijelo u krevet,

you let your skin touch your partner's skin

dopustiš svojoj koži da dira partnerovu kožu,

and allow your body to wake up and remember,

i dopustiš svome tijelu da se probudi i podsjeti,

"Oh, right! I like this.

"Pa da! Sviđa mi se ovo.

I like this person!"

Sviđa mi se ova osoba!"

That's responsive desire,

To je reaktivna žudnja,

and it is key to understanding the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection

i ključna je za razumijevanje parova koji održavaju jaku spolnu povezanost

over the long term,

u dugotrajnom razdoblju,

because -- and this is the part where I tell my friends

zato što -- i ovo je dio kada kažem prijateljima

the two characteristics of the couples who do sustain a strong sexual connection --

dvije osobine parova koji održavaju jaku spolnu povezanost --

one, they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship.

prvo, imaju snažno prijateljstvo u temelju svoje veze.

Specifically, they have strong trust.

Posebno imaju jako povjerenje.

Relationship researcher and therapist,

Istraživačica veza i terapeutkinja,

developer of emotionally focused therapy,

koja je razvila terapiju usmjerenu na emocije,

Sue Johnson,

Sue Johnson,

boils trust down to this question:

sažima povjerenje na ovo pitanje:

Are you there for me?

Jesi li tu za mene?

Especially, are you emotionally present and available for me?

Osobito, jesi li emocionalno prisutan i jesi li mi dostupan?

Friends are there for each other.

Prijatelji su tu jedni za druge.

One.

Prvo.

The second characteristic is that they prioritize sex.

Druga osobina jest da stavljaju seks na vrh prioriteta.

They decide that it matters for their relationship.

Odluče da im je on važan za vezu.

They choose to set aside all the other things that they could be doing --

Odabiru staviti postrani sve ostale stvari koje bi mogli raditi --

the children they could be raising and the jobs they could be going to,

djecu koju bi mogli odgajati i poslove na koje bi mogli odlaziti,

the other family members to pay attention to,

druge članove obitelji kojima bi mogli posvetiti pažnju,

the other friends they might want to hang out with.

druge prijatelje s kojima se možda žele družiti.

God forbid they just want to watch some television or go to sleep.

Ili, nedajbože, samo žele gledati televiziju ili spavati.

Stop doing all that stuff and create a protected space

Prestanite činiti sve te stvari i stvorite zaštićen prostor

where all you're going to do is put your body in the bed

u kojem će sve što činite biti da stavite svoje tijelo u krevet

and let your skin touch your partner's skin.

i dopustite svojoj koži da dira kožu vašeg partnera.

So that's it:

I to je to:

best friends,

najbolji prijatelji,

prioritize sex.

stavljanje seksa na vrh prioriteta.

So I said this to my friends in the bar.

Pa sam to rekla prijateljima u kafiću.

I was like, best friends, prioritize sex, I told them about the party,

Rekla sam, najbolji prijatelji, seks kao prioritet, ispričala sam im o tulumu,

I said you put your skin next to your partner's skin.

rekoh im, stavi svoju kožu uz partnerovu.

And one of the partners I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."

I jedan od partnera s kojima sam pričala kaže "Aaah".

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And I was like, "OK, so, there's your problem."

Kažem, "U redu, eto, u tome je vaš problem."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

The difficulty was not that they did not want to go to the party, necessarily.

Problem nije nužno bio u tome što oni ne bi željeli ići na tulum.

If the difficulty is just a lack of spontaneous desire for party,

Ako je problem samo manjak spontane žudnje za tulumom,

you know what to do:

znate što vam je činiti:

you put on your party clothes and show up for the party.

obučete odjeću za tulumarenje i pojavite se na tulumu.

If you're having fun at the party, you're doing it right.

Ako se zabavljate na tulumu, sve činite ispravno.

Njihov problem bio je da na ovom tulumu

Their difficulty was that this was a party

where she didn't love what there was available to eat,

njoj se nisu sviđala ponuđena jela,

the music was not her favorite music,

nije joj se sviđala glazba,

and she wasn't totally sure she felt great about her relationships with people

i nije bila posve sigurna da se dobro osjeća u odnosima s drugim ljudima

who were at the party.

koji su bili na tulumu.

And this happens all the time:

I ovo se neprestano događa:

nice people who love each other come to dread sex.

dragi ljudi koji se vole s vremenom se počnu užasavati seksa.

These couples, if they seek sex therapy,

Takvi parovi, ako zatraže spolnu terapiju,

the therapist might have them stand up

terapeut će im vjerojatno reći da ustanu

and put as much distance between their bodies as they need

i odmaknu se na udaljenost između tijela koliko im je potrebno

in order to feel comfortable,

kako bi se osjećali ugodno,

and the less interested partner will make 20 feet of space.

a partner s manje interesa će se udaljiti na šest metara.

And the really difficult part is that space is not empty.

Ono što je stvarno komplicirano jest da taj prostor nije prazan.

It is crowded with weeks or months or more

Ispunjen je tjednima, mjesecima ili duže

of the, "You're not listening to me,"

ovoga: "Ne slušaš me",

and "I don't know what's wrong with me but your criticism isn't helping,"

i "Ne znam u čemu griješim, ali tvoje kritike mi ne pomažu",

and, "If you loved me, you would," and, "You're not there for me."

i "Ako me voliš, učinio bi to", i "Nisi tu za mene".

Years, maybe, of all these difficult feelings.

Možda i godine svih tih zamršenih osjećaja.

In the book, I use this really silly metaphor

U knjizi koristim jednu smiješnu metaforu

of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs

zamršenih osjećaja kao pospanih ježeva

that you are fostering until you can find a way to set them free

o kojima se brinete sve dok ne nađete način da ih oslobodite

by turning toward them with kindness and compassion.

na način da im priđete nježnošću i suosjećanjem.

And the couples who struggle to maintain a strong sexual connection,

A kod parova koji se bore da zadrže jaku seksualnu povezanost,

the distance between them is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.

udaljenost među njima je nagužvana takvim pospanim ježevima.

And it happens in any relationship that lasts long enough.

I to se događa u bilo kojoj dovoljno dugoj vezi.

You, too, are fostering a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs

I vi također brinete o nakupini bodlji tih pospanih ježeva

between you and your certain special someone.

između vas i vaše posebne osobe.

The difference between couples who sustain a strong sexual connection

Razlika između parova koji održe jaku seksualnu povezanost

i onih koji to ne uspiju

and the ones who don't

nije u tome da oni ne dožive te zamršene povređujuće osjećaje,

is not that they don't experience these difficult hurt feelings,

it's that they turn towards those difficult feelings

nego u tome da se oni okrenu tim zamršenim osjećajima

with kindness and compassion

nježnošću i suosjećanjem

so that they can set them free

kako bi ih mogli osloboditi

and find their way back to each other.

i pronaći put natrag jednog ka drugome.

So my friends in the bar are faced with the question under the question,

Pa su se moji prijatelji u kafiću suočili s pitanjem ispod pitanja,

not, "How do we sustain a strong connection?"

ne "Kako da održimo jaku povezanost?",

but, "How do we find our way back to it?"

nego "Kako da nađemo put nazad k njoj?"

And, yes, there is science to answer this question,

I da, znanost može odgovoriti na to pitanje,

but in 25 years as a sex educator,

ali u svojih 25 godina kao edukator o spolnosti,

one thing I have learned is sometimes, Emily,

naučila sam jednu stvar, ponekad, Emily,

less science,

manje znanosti,

more hedgehogs.

više ježeva.

So I told them about me.

Pa sam im ispričala o sebi.

I spent many months writing a book about the science of women's sexual well-being.

Provela sam mnogo mjeseci pišući knjigu o znanosti ženskog seksualnog blagostanja.

I was thinking about sex all day, every day,

Razmišljala sam o seksu cijeli dan, svakodnevno,

and I was so stressed by the project that I had zero -- zero! -- interest

i bila sam toliko nervozna zbog tog projekta da sam imala nula interesa

in actually having any sex.

za ikakve seksualne odnose.

And then I spent months traveling all over,

Zatim sam provela mjesece putujući posvuda,

talking with anyone who would listen

pričajući s bilo kim tko bi poslušao

about the science of women's sexual well-being.

o znanosti ženskog seksualnog blagostanja.

And by the time I got home, you know,

Dok sam se vratila kući, znate,

I'd show up for the party, put my body in the bed,

pojavila bih se na tulumu, stavila bih svoje tijelo u krevet,

let my skin touch my partner's skin,

pustila bih da moja koža dira partnerovu,

and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I would just cry and fall asleep.

i bila sam toliko iscrpljena i opterećena da bih se rasplakala i zaspala.

And the months of isolation fostered fear and loneliness

Mjeseci odvojenosti stvorili su strah, usamljenost

and frustration.

i frustraciju.

So many hedgehogs.

Toliko ježeva.

My best friend, this person I love and admire,

Moj najbolji prijatelj, ta osoba koju volim i kojoj se divim,

felt a million miles away.

činio se udaljen milijun kilometara.

But ...

Ali...

he was still there for me.

i dalje je bio tu za mene.

No matter how many difficult feelings there were,

Bez obzira koliko zamršenih osjećaja postojalo,

he turned toward them with kindness and compassion.

okrenuo se k njima nježnošću i suosjećanjem.

He never turned away.

Nikada im nije okrenuo leđa.

And what was the second characteristic

I koja je bila druga osobina

of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection?

parova koji održavaju jaku seksualnu povezanost?

They prioritize sex.

Stavljaju seks na vrh prioriteta.

They decide that it matters for their relationship,

Odlučuju da je on važan za njihovu vezu,

that they do what it takes to find their way back to the connection.

da će učiniti što je potrebno kako bi pronašli put natrag do te povezanosti.

Rekla sam prijateljima ono što govori terapeutkinja Peggy Kleinplatz.

I told my friends what sex therapist and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.

She asks: What kind of sex is worth wanting?

Ona pita: kakav seks je vrijedno željeti?

My partner and I looked at the quality of our connection

Moj partner i ja ispitali smo kvalitetu naše povezanosti

and what it brought to our lives,

i što je ona unosila u naše živote,

and we looked at the family of sleepy hedgehogs

ispitali smo obitelj pospanih ježeva

I had introduced into our home.

koje sam unijela u naš dom.

And we decided it was worth it.

I odlučili smo da je vrijedna toga.

We decided -- we chose -- to do what it took to find our way,

Odlučili smo -- odabrali smo učiniti što je potrebno da pronađemo svoj način,

turning towards each of those sleepy hedgehogs,

okrenuti se svakom od tih pospanih ježeva,

those difficult hurt feelings,

tih zamršenih povređujućih osjećaja,

with kindness and compassion

nježnošću i suosjećanjem,

and setting them free so that we could find our way back

i osloboditi ih kako bismo pronašli put natrag

to the connection that mattered for our relationship.

prema povezanosti koja je bila važna za našu vezu.

This is not the story we are usually told

Ovo nije priča koju nam obično pričaju

about how sexual desire works in long-term relationships.

o tome kako spolna žudnja funkcionira u dugotrajnim vezama.

But I can think of nothing more romantic,

Ali ne mogu zamisliti ništa romantičnije,

nothing sexier,

ništa spolno privlačnije,

than being chosen as a priority

nego biti odabran kao prioritet

because that connection matters enough,

jer je ta povezanost dovoljno važna,

even after I introduced all of these difficult feelings into our relationship.

čak i nakon što sam unijela sve te zamršene osjećaje u našu vezu.

How do you sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term?

Kako da održite jaku seksualnu povezanost tijekom dugog razdoblja?

You look into the eyes of your best friend,

Pogledajte u oči svog najboljeg prijatelja

and you keep choosing to find your way back.

i nastavite birati da nađete svoj put natrag.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)