Let's get honest about our money problems | Tammy Lally

Translator: Polona Ramšak Reviewer: Nika Kotnik

Have you every had to break your family's rules?

Ste že kdaj morali prekršiti družinska pravila?

Today, I'm breaking mine,

Jaz bom danes prekršila svojega

around money, secrecy and shame.

o denarju, skrivnostnosti in sramoti.

In 2006, on my brother Keith's 40th birthday, he called.

Leta 2006 me je brat Keith poklical na svoj 40. rojstni dan.

"Tam, I'm in dire straits.

"Tam, v težavah sem.

I wouldn't ask unless I had to.

Ne bi te prosil, če ne bi bilo nujno.

Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?"

Mi posodiš 7500 dolarjev?"

This wasn't the first time he needed quick cash,

To ni bilo prvič, da je na hitro potreboval gotovino.

but this time, his voice frightened me.

A tokrat me je njegov glas prestrašil.

I had never heard him so beaten down and shameful,

Še nikoli ga nisem slišala tako potolčenega in osramočenega,

and it was on his 40th birthday.

pa še njegov 40. rojstni dan je bil.

After a few basic questions that we would all ask,

Po nekaj osnovnih vprašanjih, ki bi jih vsi zastavili,

I agreed to loan him the money, but under one condition:

sem privolila, da mu bom posodila denar, a pod enim pogojem:

that as the financial professional in the family,

da se kot finančna strokovnjakinja v naši družini

I wanted to meet with him and his wife

srečam z njim in njegovo ženo,

to see what was really happening.

da vidim, kaj se res dogaja.

Weeks later, we met at the local Starbucks,

Nekaj tednov kasneje smo se sestali v bližnjem Starbucksu

and I started right in with the tough-love budget conversation.

in začela sem kruti pogovor o denarju.

"You should sell the house, downsize to something you can afford,

"Prodajta hišo, kupita kaj manjšega, kar si lahko privoščita,

sell the toys.

prodajta 'igrače'.

And Starbucks?

In Starbucks?

Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee."

Odpovejta se vsakodnevni kavi za 5 dolarjev.

You know, all the trappings that we do to keep up with the Joneses.

Saj veste, vsem vidnim znamenjem moči, samo da bi bili boljši kot sosedje.

Quickly, my brother and his wife went into a fearsome blame game,

Brat in njegova žena sta se hitro zapletla v strašno igro obtoževanja

and it got messy.

in postalo je zoprno.

I vacillated between therapist and pissed-off sister.

Omahovala sem med terapevtom in besno sestro.

I wanted them to be better than this.

Želela sem, da bi bila boljša kot to.

"Come on, you two. Get your shit together.

"Dajta no, vzemita se v roke.

You're parents.

Starša sta.

Grow up and buck up."

Odrastita že in glavo pokonci."

After we left, I called my mom,

Ko smo se poslovili, sem poklicala mamo,

but Keith beat me to it,

a Keith me je prehitel

and he told her that I wasn't helpful.

in ji povedal, da nisem bila koristna.

In fact, he was hurt and felt ganged-up on.

Bil je užaljen in je imel občutek, da sem se zarotila proti njemu.

Of course he did. I shamed him with my tough-love budget conversation.

Seveda se je. Osramotila sem ga s svojim krutim pogovorom o denarju.

Two months went by when I received a call.

Čez dva meseca sem prejela klic.

"Tam? I have bad news.

"Tam, slabo novico imam.

Keith committed suicide last night."

Keith je sinoči naredil samomor."

Days later, at his home, I went looking for answers,

Nekaj dni kasneje sem pri njemu doma iskala odgovore

in his "office" -- the garage.

v njegovi 'pisarni' - v garaži.

There, I found a stack of overdue credit card bills

Našla sem kupe zapadlih računov za kreditne kartice

and a foreclosure notice served to him on the day that he died.

in obvestilo o zasegi hipoteke, ki ga je prejel na dan, ko je umrl.

My brother left behind his beautiful 10-year-old daughter,

Moj brat je zapustil prelepo desetletno hčerko,

his brilliant 18-year-old son, weeks before his high school graduation,

brilijantnega osemnajstletnega sina in to nekaj tednov pred maturo,

and his wife of 20 years.

ter ženo, s katero je bil poročen 20 let.

How did this happen?

Kako je prišlo do tega?

My brother was caught in our family's money-shame cycle,

Moj brat je bil ujet v sramotnem finančnem začaranem krogu naše družine

and he was far from alone in this.

in še zdaleč ni bil sam.

Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64

Število samomorov pri odraslih med 40. in 64. letom starosti

have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.

se je od leta 1999 zvišalo za skoraj 40 odstotkov.

Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures

Izguba službe, bankrot in zaplemba hipoteke

were present in nearly 40 percent of the deaths,

so bili prisotni v skoraj 40 odstotkih teh smrti,

with white middle-aged men accounting for seven out of 10 suicides.

pri belih moških srednjih let pa so predstavljali 7 od 10 samomorov.

What I've learned

Kar sem se iz tega naučila,

is that our self-destructive and self-defeating financial behaviors

je, da našega samouničujočega finančnega vedenja

are not driven by our rational, logical minds.

ne vodi racionalen, logičen razum.

Instead, they are a product of our subconscious belief systems

Namesto tega je rezultat naših podzavestnih prepričanj,

rooted in our childhoods

ki so ukoreninjeni v našem otroštvu

and so deeply ingrained in us,

in tako zelo zažrti v nas,

they shape the way that we deal with money our entire adult lives,

da oblikujejo naš odnos do denarja skozi vse naše odraslo življenje

and so many of you are left believing that you're lazy,

Mnogi ste prepričani, da ste leni,

crazy or stupid -- or just bad with money.

nori ali neumni - ali pa samo ne znate z denarjem.

This is what I call money shame.

To imenujem finančni sram.

Dr. Brené Brown, a well-known shame researcher,

Dr. Brené Brown, svetovno znana raziskovalka sramu,

defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience

sram definira kot 'intenzivno boleč občutek ali izkušnjo

of believing that we are flawed,

prepričanja, da smo pokvarjeni

and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."

in torej nevredni ljubezni in pripadanja'.

Based on this definition, here's how I'm defining money shame:

Na podlagi te definicije jaz finančni sram definiram takole:

"the intensely painful feeling or experience

'intenzivno boleč občutek ali izkušnja

of believing that we are flawed,

prepričanja, da smo pokvarjeni

and therefore unworthy of love and belonging,

in torej nevredni ljubezni in pripadanja,

based on our bank account balances,

na podlagi našega finančnega stanja,

our debts, our homes, our cars

naših dolgov, naših domov, naših avtov

and our job titles."

in naših službenih nazivov.'

Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean.

Naj vam dam nekaj primerov.

I believe that we all have money shame,

Verjamem, da vsi nosimo finančni sram,

whether you earn 10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,

pa naj zaslužimo 10 000 ali 10 milijonov dolarjev na leto,

and it's because we give money all of our power.

in to zato, ker denarju dajemo vso moč.

Here's what it would look like if someone that you love, or you,

Takole izgleda, če nekdo, ki ga ljubite, ali vi sami

might have money shame.

morda ima finančni sram.

They play the big shot, always picking up the check,

Dela se veliko živino, vedno pobere račun,

financially rescuing family and friends.

finančno rešuje družino in prijatelje.

They are financially secure,

Finančno je varen,

but they live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.

a živi v stanju kronične nezadostnosti.

They drive a Mercedes, but their budget really only can afford a Honda.

Vozi mercedesa, zares pa si lahko privošči le hondo.

And they're looking good at every cost.

In za vsako ceno dobro izgleda.

I know that we can break free from the grips of money shame,

Vem, da se lahko rešimo iz krempljev finančnega sramu,

because I did.

ker sem se tudi jaz.

Shortly after my brother's death, the Recession hit.

Kmalu po bratovi smrti je udarila recesija.

I lost my business and faced bankruptcy.

Zgubila sem svoj posel in se soočila z bankrotom.

Secretly, I was terrified.

Na skrivaj sem bila na smrt prestrašena.

I stayed in my home for a year, thinking I did something wrong,

Eno leto sem ostala doma, prepričana, da sem naredila nekaj narobe.

told myself, "What did you do? What happened?"

Govorila sem si: "Kaj si naredila? Kaj se je zgodilo?"

I stayed silent, while all along, I went outside and smiled.

Molčala sem, a ves čas sem hodila ven in se smehljala.

Nobody knew.

Nihče ni vedel.

That's money shame.

To je finančni sram.

So what I had to do was let go of the grip that I had

Kar sem morala narediti, je, izviti se iz krempljev prepričanja,

on knowing all the answers.

da imam vse odgovore.

I was the know-it-all in my family,

V svoji družini sem bila pametnjakovič.

and I had to give up the idea that a new financial plan

In morala sem opustiti idejo, da je novi finančni načrt

was the solution.

rešitev.

And so just like everything in my life, for me,

In tako so mi kot vedno v življenju

I was sent a human to help,

poslali človeka na pomoč

and I accepted the help,

in sprejela sem pomoč,

but I had to do major self-inquiry

a morala sem se lotiti veliko samoizpraševanja

about my family's money history

o finančni zgodovini svoje družine

and my money beliefs.

in svojih prepričanjih o denarju.

We have to start having this conversation.

Moramo se začeti pogovarjati o tem.

Money can no longer be a taboo topic.

Denar ne more več biti tabu tema.

We have to get honest with each other that we're suffering with money issues,

Pošteni moramo biti drug z drugim, da trpimo zaradi finančnih težav

and let's get real -- we have to stop numbing out our pain.

in nehajmo ga že lomiti - prenehati moramo blažiti bolečino.

In order to uncover the painful parts

Da bi odkrili boleče dele

of your money story and your money history,

svoje finančne zgodbe in zgodovine,

you can't be numb.

ne moremo biti otopeli.

We have to let go of our past in order to be free.

Preteklost moramo pustiti za sabo, da bi se osvobodili.

Letting go of the past happens through surrender,

Puščanje preteklosti za sabo se zgodi skozi predajo,

faith and forgiveness.

vero in odpuščanje.

Debt is the tangible manifestation of not forgiving.

Dolg je otipljiva manifestacija neodpuščanja.

If you have debt, you've not completely forgiven your past,

Če imate dolg, svoje preteklosti še niste popolnoma oprostili,

so it's our work to forgive ourselves and others

zato je naša naloga, da odpustimo sebi in drugim,

so that we can live freely.

da bomo lahko svobodno zaživeli.

Otherwise, our history will continue to repeat.

Drugače se bo naša zgodovina še naprej ponavljala.

This is not a quick fix, and I know we all want one,

To ni hitra rešitev in vem, da si jo vsi želimo,

but it's a slow wake-up.

a to je počasno prebujanje.

This is another level of work.

To je druga stopnja dela.

We have to go higher to get it,

Iti moramo višje, da jo bomo dobili,

to get at it.

da jo bomo dosegli,

So try this: follow your dollars.

Poskusite tole: sledite svojemu denarju.

Your money will show you right away what you value.

Denar vam bo takoj pokazal, kaj cenite.

Where's it going?

Kam gre?

And then ask yourself: Do I really value all this stuff?

Potem pa se vprašajte: so mi te stvari res tako pomembne?

And get curious about what you're feeling when you're spending.

Naj vas zanima, kako se počutite, ko zapravljate.

Are you lonely?

Ste osamljeni?

Are you bored?

Ste zdolgočaseni?

Or are you just excited?

Ali ste samo vznemirjeni?

But there's deeper work that needs to happen.

A še globlje je treba iti.

How did you get all these money beliefs to begin with?

Kako ste sploh dobili vsa ta prepričanja o denarju?

I call this your money autobiography,

To imenujem finančna avtobiografija

and as a money coach, this is the first step I take with my clients.

in zame, finančno terapevtko, je to prvi korak, ki ga naredim s strankami.

Think back to your earliest childhood money memory.

Pomislite nazaj na svoj prvi otroški spomin, povezan z denarjem.

What did it feel like when you got money?

Kako ste se počutili, ko ste dobili denar?

Were you excited, proud or confused?

Ste bili vznemirjeni, ponosni ali zmedeni?

And what did you do with the money?

In kaj ste naredili z denarjem?

Did you run with the candy store, or did you run to the bank?

Ste tekli v trgovino s slaščicami ali v banko?

And what did you hear your parents say,

In kaj so rekli vaši starši?

and what did you see your parents do with the money?

Kaj so vaši starši počeli z denarjem?

My brother and I heard,

Moj brat in jaz sva slišala:

"More money will make us happy."

"Več denarja nas bo osrečilo."

Every day.

Vsak dan.

"More money will make us happy."

"Več denarja nas bo osrečilo."

And we internalized that into the money belief

To sva ponotranjila v prepričanje,

that our self worth was equal to our net worth

da je najina notranja vrednost enaka najinemu premoženju,

as we watched our mom live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.

ko sva gledala svojo mamo, kako živi v kroničnem stanju nezadostnosti.

And she numbed the pain with sugar and shopping.

Bolečino je utapljala s sladkorjem in nakupi.

So what did we do?

In kaj sva naredila midva?

Keith played out my mother's life.

Keith je odigral mamino življenje.

He was an underearner, longed to be financially rescued,

Zaslužil je malo, hrepenel je po finančni rešitvi

and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.

in topel bolečino z alkoholom.

I did the opposite.

Jaz sem delala ravno nasprotno.

I became a high earner,

Postala sem nekdo, ki veliko zasluži

rescuer,

in ki rešuje,

and I numbed the pain out with self-help books.

bolečino pa sem utapljala s knjigami za samopomoč.

But what we had in common was our money belief.

A imela sva enako finančno prepričanje.

We both believed that our bank account balance

Oba sva verjela, da je stanje na najinem bančnem računu

was equal to our self worth.

enako najini notranji vrednosti.

Looking back at the Starbucks meeting with my brother ...

Ko se ozrem na srečanje z bratom v Starbucksu ...

he didn't need a budget and my judgment.

ni potreboval finančnega načrta, ne mojega obsojanja.

He needed a breakthrough from his suffering,

Potreboval je preboj iz svojega trpljenja

and he needed my compassion.

in potreboval je moje sočutje.

Keith ni mogel biti tisti, ki spregovori

Keith was not able to be the one to speak up

and break our family money shame cycle,

in razbije začarani krog finančnega sramu naše družine,

so he left me to do the work and share his legacy.

zato mi je pustil, da to naredim jaz in delim njegovo zapuščino.

Change is difficult,

Sprememba je težka,

but in my family, not changing is fatal.

a v moji družini je usodno, če se ne spremeniš.

So I did the work,

Tako sem vse naredila

and I have experienced deep and profound forgiveness,

in občutila globoko odpuščanje,

and as I stand here today,

in ko danes tu stojim,

I am living on purpose,

živim z ciljem,

I serve, and money serves me.

služim in denar služi meni.

It only takes one person in your family

Dovolj je samo en človek v vaši družini,

to break through the money-shame cycle.

da prekine sramotni finančni krog.

I want you to be the one.

Želim, da ste ta oseba vi.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(aplavz)