Let's get honest about our money problems | Tammy Lally

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

Have you every had to break your family's rules?

你們是否曾經必須要打破家規？

Today, I'm breaking mine,

今天，我要打破我的家規，

around money, secrecy and shame.

關於金錢、秘密，以及羞恥的家規。

In 2006, on my brother Keith's 40th birthday, he called.

2006 年，我哥哥基斯在他 四十歲生日的那一天打電話來。

"Tam, I'm in dire straits.

「譚美，我的狀況非常糟。

I wouldn't ask unless I had to.

不到必要關頭，我不會問的。

Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?"

我能否跟你借 7500 美金？」

This wasn't the first time he needed quick cash,

那並不是他第一次急需現金，

but this time, his voice frightened me.

但這一次，他的聲音嚇著了我。

I had never heard him so beaten down and shameful,

我從來沒有聽過他這麼 潦倒、羞恥的聲音，

and it was on his 40th birthday.

且那天是他的四十歲生日。

After a few basic questions that we would all ask,

問了幾個大家都會問的 基本問題之後，

I agreed to loan him the money, but under one condition:

我同意借他錢，但有一個條件：

that as the financial professional in the family,

身為家中的財務專家，

I wanted to meet with him and his wife

我想要和他及他太太見面，

to see what was really happening.

了解真正的狀況。

Weeks later, we met at the local Starbucks,

幾週之後，我們在 當地的星巴克裡見面，

and I started right in with the tough-love budget conversation.

我一開始就切入談起 「嚴苛的愛」生活費。

"You should sell the house, downsize to something you can afford,

「你應該把房子賣了， 換到小一點但能負擔的房子，

sell the toys.

把『玩具』賣掉。

And Starbucks?

至於星巴克呢？

Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee."

放棄每天五美金的咖啡。」

You know, all the trappings that we do to keep up with the Joneses.

你知道的，所有為了 和別人比較而做的虛飾。

Quickly, my brother and his wife went into a fearsome blame game,

很快地，我哥哥和他太太 就開始了可怕的怪罪比賽，

and it got messy.

場面很難看。

I vacillated between therapist and pissed-off sister.

我在治療師和被惹毛的妹妹 這兩個身分之間遊走。

I wanted them to be better than this.

我希望他們做得比現在這樣更好。

"Come on, you two. Get your shit together.

「拜託，兩位，別再瞎搞了。

You're parents.

你們是父母。

Grow up and buck up."

成熟一點，振作一點。」

After we left, I called my mom,

我們離開後，我打電話給我母親，

but Keith beat me to it,

但基斯比我快了一步，

and he told her that I wasn't helpful.

他跟母親說我都不幫忙。

In fact, he was hurt and felt ganged-up on.

事實上，他很受傷， 覺得大家都聯手對付他。

Of course he did. I shamed him with my tough-love budget conversation.

他當然會有這種反應。我用我那段 嚴苛的愛生活費談話來羞辱他。

Two months went by when I received a call.

兩個月之後，我接到一通電話。

"Tam? I have bad news.

「譚美？我有壞消息。

Keith committed suicide last night."

基斯昨晚自殺了。」

Days later, at his home, I went looking for answers,

幾天後，在他家，我去尋找答案，

in his "office" -- the garage.

我進到他的「辦公室」——車庫。

There, I found a stack of overdue credit card bills

在那裡，我找到一疊 過期的信用卡帳單，

and a foreclosure notice served to him on the day that he died.

還有一份回贖權取消通知， 在他過世的那天交給他。

My brother left behind his beautiful 10-year-old daughter,

我哥哥留下了一個美麗的十歲女兒，

his brilliant 18-year-old son, weeks before his high school graduation,

一個聰明的十八歲兒子， 幾週後就要高中畢業，

and his wife of 20 years.

還有結婚二十年的太太。

How did this happen?

這是怎麼發生的？

My brother was caught in our family's money-shame cycle,

我哥哥陷入了我家的 「金錢羞恥」循環中，

and he was far from alone in this.

且他不是唯一的一個人。

Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64

從 1999 年開始， 40 到 64 歲的成人

have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.

自殺率上升了近 40%。

Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures

近 40% 的自殺死者遇到

were present in nearly 40 percent of the deaths,

失業、破產，和回贖權 取消的狀況，

with white middle-aged men accounting for seven out of 10 suicides.

十個自殺者當中 就有七個是中年白人，

What I've learned

我們發現，

is that our self-destructive and self-defeating financial behaviors

我們的自我毀滅

和自取滅亡的財務行為

are not driven by our rational, logical minds.

並不是由理性、邏輯的大腦所控制。

Instead, they are a product of our subconscious belief systems

反之，這些行為是我們

潛意識信念系統的產物，

rooted in our childhoods

深根於我們的童年，

and so deeply ingrained in us,

在我們體內非常根深蒂固，

they shape the way that we deal with money our entire adult lives,

形塑了我們在整個成年期中 處理金錢的方式，

and so many of you are left believing that you're lazy,

所以，許多人就會

相信自己是懶惰、

crazy or stupid -- or just bad with money.

瘋了，或是愚蠢， 或就是不擅長處理錢。

This is what I call money shame.

這就是我所謂的金錢羞恥。

Dr. Brené Brown, a well-known shame researcher,

布芮尼布朗博士 是一位著名的羞恥研究者，

defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience

她把羞恥定義為

「極度痛苦的感覺或經驗，

of believing that we are flawed,

相信我們有瑕疵，

and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."

因此不值得被愛及有所歸屬。」

Based on this definition, here's how I'm defining money shame:

根據這個定義， 我把金錢羞恥定義如下：

"the intensely painful feeling or experience

「極度痛苦的感覺或經驗，

of believing that we are flawed,

相信我們有瑕疵，

and therefore unworthy of love and belonging,

因此不值得被愛及有所歸屬，

based on our bank account balances,

依據的是我們的銀行帳戶餘額、

our debts, our homes, our cars

我們的負債、 我們的房子、我們的車子，

and our job titles."

以及我們的工作頭銜。」

Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean.

讓我舉幾個例子來說明我的意思。

I believe that we all have money shame,

我相信我們都有金錢羞恥，

whether you earn 10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,

不論你的年收入是 一萬美金或一千萬美金，

and it's because we give money all of our power.

原因是因為我們把 所有的權力都交給金錢。

Here's what it would look like if someone that you love, or you,

如果你所愛的人或是你本身 有金錢羞恥的話，

might have money shame.

看起來會是這個樣子的：

They play the big shot, always picking up the check,

他們會裝作是大人物， 總是要當付錢的人，

financially rescuing family and friends.

在財務上去拯救家人和朋友。

They are financially secure,

他們在財務上是安全的，

but they live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.

但他們生活在一種長期 都不覺得足夠的狀態。

They drive a Mercedes, but their budget really only can afford a Honda.

他們開賓士汽車，但他們的預算 其實只負擔得起本田汽車。

And they're looking good at every cost.

他們會不計代價想 讓自己看起來很棒。

I know that we can break free from the grips of money shame,

我知道我們可以脫離 金錢羞恥的掌心，

because I did.

因為我就做過。

Shortly after my brother's death, the Recession hit.

在我哥哥過世後不久， 發生經濟衰退，

I lost my business and faced bankruptcy.

我失去了我的事業，面臨破產。

Secretly, I was terrified.

私底下，我害怕極了。

I stayed in my home for a year, thinking I did something wrong,

我待在我家裡一整年， 認為是我做錯了什麼事，

told myself, "What did you do? What happened?"

我問自己：「你做了什麼？ 發生了什麼事？」

I stayed silent, while all along, I went outside and smiled.

我保持沉默，但我一直都會 走到外面對大家微笑。

Nobody knew.

沒有人知道。

That's money shame.

那就是金錢羞恥。

So what I had to do was let go of the grip that I had

我必須要放下，

不能再覺得我知道所有的答案。

on knowing all the answers.

I was the know-it-all in my family,

在我家，我就是那個 什麼都知道的人，

and I had to give up the idea that a new financial plan

我得要放棄認為新的財務計畫

就是解決方案的想法。

was the solution.

And so just like everything in my life, for me,

所以，就像我人生中的一切一樣，

I was sent a human to help,

有個人來幫助我，

and I accepted the help,

而我接受了那幫助，

but I had to do major self-inquiry

但我得要做重要的自我探索，

about my family's money history

探索我家族的金錢史

and my money beliefs.

以及我的金錢信仰。

We have to start having this conversation.

我們得要開始進行這樣的談話。

Money can no longer be a taboo topic.

金錢不能夠再是禁忌的話題。

We have to get honest with each other that we're suffering with money issues,

我們得要對彼此誠實，

坦誠我們遇到了金錢問題，

and let's get real -- we have to stop numbing out our pain.

而且，咱們要實際點—— 我們得要停止去麻木我們的痛苦。

In order to uncover the painful parts

為了要揭露出你的金錢故事

of your money story and your money history,

及你的金錢歷史中的痛苦部分，

you can't be numb.

你不能麻木。

We have to let go of our past in order to be free.

我們得要放下過去，才能夠自由。

Letting go of the past happens through surrender,

要透過屈服、信念，以及寬恕，

faith and forgiveness.

才能放下過去。

Debt is the tangible manifestation of not forgiving.

債務就是不寬恕的實質具體呈現。

If you have debt, you've not completely forgiven your past,

如果你還欠債，你就還沒有 完全寬恕你的過去，

so it's our work to forgive ourselves and others

所以，我們要做的是寬恕 我們自己以及他人，

so that we can live freely.

這樣我們才能自由地生活。

Otherwise, our history will continue to repeat.

不然，我們的歷史就會不斷重演。

This is not a quick fix, and I know we all want one,

這並不是快速解決的方案， 我知道我們都希望快速解決，

but it's a slow wake-up.

但它其實是緩慢的覺醒。

This is another level of work.

這是另一個層級的工作了。

We have to go higher to get it,

我們得要爬更高才能得到它，

to get at it.

才能夠得著它。

So try this: follow your dollars.

所以，試試這樣做： 跟著你的錢走。

Your money will show you right away what you value.

你的金錢會馬上告訴你 你重視的是什麼。

Where's it going?

它被花到哪裡去了？

And then ask yourself: Do I really value all this stuff?

接著，問問你自己： 我真的重視所有這些東西嗎？

And get curious about what you're feeling when you're spending.

要好奇地去了解 當你花錢時的感受是什麼。

Are you lonely?

你寂寞嗎？

Are you bored?

你無聊嗎？

Or are you just excited?

或者你只是興奮？

But there's deeper work that needs to happen.

但還有更深的工作需要去做。

How did you get all these money beliefs to begin with?

你一開始是怎麼產生出 這些金錢信念的？

I call this your money autobiography,

我稱它為你的金錢自傳，

and as a money coach, this is the first step I take with my clients.

我是個金錢教練， 我帶客戶所做的第一步如下。

Think back to your earliest childhood money memory.

回想你孩童時期 最早的金錢相關記憶。

What did it feel like when you got money?

當你拿到錢的時候，感覺如何？

Were you excited, proud or confused?

你是很興奮、很驕傲， 還是很困惑？

And what did you do with the money?

你把錢用在哪裡？

Did you run with the candy store, or did you run to the bank?

你是跑去糖果店，還是跑去銀行？

And what did you hear your parents say,

你聽見你的父母說什麼？

and what did you see your parents do with the money?

你看到你的父母如何使用金錢？

My brother and I heard,

我哥哥和我聽到的是：

"More money will make us happy."

「更多的錢會讓我們快樂。」

Every day.

每天都聽到。

"More money will make us happy."

「更多的錢會讓我們快樂。」

And we internalized that into the money belief

我們就會把它內化成金錢信念，

that our self worth was equal to our net worth

相信我們的自我價值 等同於我們的淨值，

as we watched our mom live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.

同時看著我們的母親活在 一種長期都覺得不夠足的狀態中。

And she numbed the pain with sugar and shopping.

她用糖和購物來麻痹那痛苦。

So what did we do?

所以，我們做了什麼？

Keith played out my mother's life.

基斯重演了我母親的人生。

He was an underearner, longed to be financially rescued,

他賺的錢很少， 渴望在財務上被拯救，

and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.

他用酒精來麻木他的痛苦。

I did the opposite.

我做的相反。

I became a high earner,

我變成了高收入者，

rescuer,

拯救者，

and I numbed the pain out with self-help books.

我用自助書籍來麻目我的痛苦。

But what we had in common was our money belief.

但我們兩人的共通點 是我們的金錢信念。

We both believed that our bank account balance

我們都相信我們的銀行帳戶餘額

was equal to our self worth.

等同於我們的自我價值。

Looking back at the Starbucks meeting with my brother ...

回頭看我和我哥哥 在星巴克的會面……

he didn't need a budget and my judgment.

他並不需要生活費和我的評斷。

He needed a breakthrough from his suffering,

他需要的是從他的苦難突破出來，

and he needed my compassion.

他需要我的同理心。

Keith was not able to be the one to speak up

基斯無法成為說出來並且打破

and break our family money shame cycle,

我們家族金錢羞恥循環的那個人，

so he left me to do the work and share his legacy.

所以他把這個工作留給我， 並分享了他的遺產。

Change is difficult,

改變很難，

but in my family, not changing is fatal.

但在我的家庭中， 不改變反而會致命。

So I did the work,

所以我做了這項工作，

and I have experienced deep and profound forgiveness,

我已經經驗過了 深刻且深切的寬恕，

and as I stand here today,

且，今天我站在這裡，

I am living on purpose,

我活著是有目的的，

I serve, and money serves me.

我服務，而金錢也會服務我。

It only takes one person in your family

在你的家庭中，只需要有一個人

to break through the money-shame cycle.

來打破金錢羞恥的循環。

I want you to be the one.

我希望各位能當這個人。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）