Nerdcore comedy | Ze Frank

You know, when Chris first approached me to speak at TED, I said no,

because I felt like I wasn't going to be able

to make that personal connection, you know, that I wanted to.

It's such a large conference.

But he explained to me that he was in a bind,

and that he was having trouble finding the kind of sex appeal

and star power that the conference was known for.

So I said fine, Ted -- I mean Chris.

I'll come on two conditions.

One: I want to speak as early in the morning as possible.

And two: I want to pick the theme for TED 2006.

And luckily he agreed.

And the theme, in two years, is going to be "Cute Pictures Of Puppies."

(Video) (Music)

[How to Dance Properly BASIC TWIRL]

[NEW SCHOOL]

[OLD SCHOOL]

[WHO'S YOUR DADDY?]

["RIDE THE PONY"]

[MAKE LOVE TO THE CROWD]

[SMACKING THAT ASS]

[STIR THE POT OF LOVE]

[HANGING OUT ... CASUAL]

[WORD.]

(Applause)

I invented the Placebo Camera.

(Laughter)

It doesn't actually take pictures, but it's a hell of a lot cheaper,

and you still feel like you were there.

(Laughter)

(Clears his throat)

(Laughter)

"Dear Sir, good day, compliments of the day,

and my best wishes to you and family.

(Breathes in)

I know this letter will come to you surprisingly,

but let it not be a surprise to you,

for nature has a way of arriving unannounced,

and, as an adage says, originals are very hard to find,

but their echoes sound ouder.

So I decided to contact you myself,

for you to assure me of safety and honesty,

if I have to entrust any amount of money under your custody.

I am Mr Micheal Bangura, the son of late Mr Thaimu Bangura

who was the Minister of Finance in Sierra Leone

but was killed during the civil war.

(Laughter)

Knowing your country to be economical conducive for investment,

and your people as transparent and trustworthy to engage in business,

on which premise I write you.

(Laughter)

Before my father death,

he had the sum of 23 million United States dollars,

which he kept away from the rebel leaders during the course of the war.

(Laughter)

This fund was supposed to be used

for the rehabilitation of water reserves all over the country,

before the outbreak of war.

When the war broke out,

the rebel leader demanded the fund be given to him,

my father insisted it was not in his possession,

and he was killed because of his refusal to release the fund.

Meanwhile, my mother and I

is the only person who knows about it because my father always confide in me.

(Sighs)

I made an arrangement with a Red Cross relief worker,

who used his official van to transport the money to Lungi Airport, Freetown,

although he did not know the real contents of the box.

(Laughter)

The fund was deposited as a family reasure,

in a safe, reliable security company in Dakar, Senegal,

where I was only given temporary asylum.

I do not wish to invest the money in Senegal

due to unfavorable economic climate, and so close to my country.

The only assistance I need from you, which I know you would do for me,

are the following: one, be a silent partner

and receive the funds in your account in trust;

two, provide a bank account under your control

to which the funds will be remitted;

three, receive the funds into your account in trust;

take out your commission; and leave the rest of the money

until I arrive, after the transfer is complete.

Sincerely, Mr Micheal Bangura."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

This is really embarrassing.

I was told backstage that I have 18 minutes.

I only prepared 15.

(Laughter)

So if it's cool, I'd like to just wait for three.

(Laughter)

(Laughter ends)

I'm really sorry.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

What's your name?

(Laughter)

Mark Surfas.

It's pretty cool, huh? Pursuing happiness.

(Laughter)

Are you a virgin? Virgin?

I mean -- no, I mean like in the TED sense?

(Laughter)

Are you? Oh, yeah?

So what are you, like, a thousand, two thousand, somewhere in there?

Huh? Oh?

You don't know what I'm talking about?

(Laughter)

Ah, Mark --

(Laughter)

Surfas.

(Laughter)

1,860 -- am I good?

And that's nothing to be ashamed of.

That's nothing to be ashamed of.

(Applause)

Yeah, I was hanging out with some Google guys last night.

Really cool, we were getting wasted.

(Laughter)

And they were telling me that Google software has gotten so advanced

that, based on your interaction with Google over your lifetime,

they can actually predict what you are going to say --

(Laughter)

next.

And I was like, "Get the fuck out of here. That's crazy."

(Laughter)

But they said, "No, but don't show anyone."

But they slipped up.

And they said that I could just type in "What was I going to say next?"

and my name, and it would tell me.

And I have to tell you, this is an unadulterated piece of software,

this is a real Internet browser and this is the actual Google site,

and we're going to test it out live today.

What was I going to say next?

And "Ze Frank" -- that's me.

Am I feeling lucky?

(Laughter)

(Shouting) Am I feeling lucky?

Audience: Yes! Yeah!

(Sighs)

(Laughter)

Ze Frank: Oh! Amazing.

(Laughter)

In March of 2001 --

(Laughter)

I filmed myself dancing to Madonna's "Justify My Love."

On a Thursday, I sent out a link to a website that featured those clips

to 17 of my closest friends,

as part of an invitation to my -- an invitation to my th --

th -- 26th birthday party.

(Laughter)

(Clears throat)

By Monday, over a million people were coming to this site a day.

(Sighs)

(Laughter)

Within a week, I received a call from Earthlink that said,

due to a 10 cents per megabyte overage charge,

I owed them 30,000 dollars.

(Laughter)

Needless to say, I was able to leave my job.

[WAS LAID OFF]

(Laughter)

And, finally, you know, become freelance.

(Laughter)

[UNEMPLOYED]

But some people refer to me more as, like, an Internet guru or --

[JACKASS]

swami.

(Laughter)

I knew I had something.

I'd basically distilled a very difficult-to-explain

and complex philosophy, which I won't get into here,

because it's a little too deep for all of you, but --

(Laughter)

It's about what makes websites popular, and, you know, it's --

[DANCE LIKE AN IDIOT AND DON'T SELL ANYTHING]

It's unfortunate that I don't have more time.

Maybe I can come back next year, or something like that.

(Laughter)

I'm obsessed with email. I get a lot of it.

Four years later, I still get probably two or three hundred emails a day

from people I don't know,

and it's been an amazing opportunity

to kind of get to know different cultures, you know?

It's like a microscope to the rest of the world.

You can kind of peer into other people's lives.

And I also feel like I get a lot of inspiration from the average user.

For example, somebody wrote, "Hey Ze, if you ever come to Boulder,

you should rock out with us," and I said, "Why wait?"

[rocking out]

(Video) (Music)

And they said, "Hey Ze, thanks for rocking out,

but I meant the kind of rocking out where we'd be naked."

(Laughter)

And that was embarrassing.

But you know, it's kind of a collaboration between me and the fans,

so I said, "Sure."

[rocking out naked]

(Video) (Music)

(Laughter)

I hear a lot of you whispering.

(Laughter)

And I know what you're saying,

"Holy crap!

How is his presentation so smooth?"

(Laughter)

And I have to say that it's not all me this year.

I guess Chris has to take some credit here, because in years past,

I guess there's been some sort of subpar speakers at TED.

I don't know.

And so, this year, Chris sent us a TED conference simulator.

(Laughter)

Which really allowed us as speakers to get there, in the trenches,

and practice at home so that we would be ready for this experience.

And I've got to say that, you know, it's really, really great to be here.

(Pre-recorded applause)

I'd like to tell all of you a little joke.

(Pre-recorded applause and cheering)

Not just the good stuff, though.

You can do heckler mode.

Voice: Hey, moron, get off the stage!

ZF: You get off the stage.

(Laughter)

Voice: We want Malcolm Gladwell.

(Laughter)

(Baby cooing)

(Huge crowd applauding)

In case you run over time.

(Heroic music)

Just one last thing I'd like to say, I'd, really --

(Laughter)

I'd like to thank all of you for being here.

(Loud music)

(Laughter)

And frog mode.

(Singing)

(Sings) "Ah, the first time that I made love to a rock shrimp --"

(Laughter)

[Spam jokes are the new airplane jokes]

(Sighs)

It's true.

Some people say to me,

"Ze, you're doing all this stuff, this Internet stuff,

and you're not making any money."

(Laughter)

"Why?" And I say, "Mom, Dad --

(Laughter)

I'm trying."

I don't know if you're all aware of this,

but the video game market,

kids are playing these video games,

but, supposedly, there's tons of money.

I mean, like, I think, 100,000 dollars or so a year

is being spent on these things.

So I decided to try my hand.

I came up with a few games.

(Laughter)

This is called "Atheist."

I figured it would be popular with the young kids.

OK.

Look, I'll move around and say some things.

(Sighs)

[Game over. There is no replay.]

(Laughter)

So that didn't go over so well.

(Laughter)

I don't really understand why you're laughing.

(Laughter)

Should have done this before I tried to pitch it.

"Buddhist," of course, looks very, very similar to "Atheist."

(Laughter)

But you come back as a duck.

(Laughter)

And this is great because, you know, for a quarter,

you can play this for a long time.

(Laughter)

And Chris had said in an email

that we should really bring something new to TED,

something that we haven't shown anyone.

So, I made this for TED. It's "Christian."

It's the third in the series.

I'm hoping it's going to do well this year.

(Sighs)

(Laughter)

Do you have a preference?

(Laughter)

Good choice.

(Laughter)

So you can wait for the Second Coming,

which is a random number between one and 500 million.

(Laughter)

So really, what are we talking about here?

Oh, tech joy.

(Laughter)

Tech joy, to me, means something, because I get a lot of joy out of tech.

And in fact, making things using technology --

and I'm being serious here,

even though I'm using my sarcastic voice -- I won't -- hold on.

Making things, you know --

making things actually does give me a lot of joy.

It's the process of creation that keeps me

sort of a bubble and a half above perpetual anxiety in my life,

and it's that feeling of being about 80 percent complete on a project --

where you know you still have something to do,

but it's not finished, and you're not starting something --

that really fills my entire life.

And so, what I've done is,

I started getting interested in creating online social spaces

to share that feeling

with people who don't consider themselves artists.

We're in a culture of guru-ship.

It's so hard to use some software because, you know, it's unapproachable,

people feel like they have to read the manual.

So I try to create these very minimal activities

that allow people to express themselves, and, hopefully --

("The End" by The Doors)

Whoa! I'm like -- on the page, but it doesn't exist.

(Laughter)

It's, like -- seriously, though --

(Laughter)

I try to create meaningful environments for people to express themselves.

(Laughter)

Here I created a contest called, "When Office Supplies Attack,"

which, I think, really resonated with the working population.

(Laughter)

Over 500 entries in three weeks.

Toilet paper fashion.

(Laughter)

Again, people from all over the country.

The watch is particularly incredible.

(Laughter)

Online drawing tools -- you've probably seen a lot of them.

I think they're wonderful.

It's a chance for people to get to play with crayons

and all that kind of stuff.

But I'm interested in the process of creating,

as the real event that I'm interested in.

And the problem is that a lot of people suck at drawing,

and they get bummed out at this, sort of, you know, stick figure,

awful little thing that they created.

And eventually, it just makes them stop playing with it,

or they draw penises and things like that.

(Laughter)

So, the Scribbler is an attempt to create a generative tool.

In other words, it's a helping tool.

You can draw your simple stick figure,

and it collaborates with you to create sort of a post-war German etching.

(Laughter)

In fact, it's tuned to be better at drawing things that look worse.

So, we go ahead, and we start scribbling.

So the idea is that you can really,

you know, partake in this process,

but watch something really crappy look beautiful.

And here are some of my favorites.

This is the little trap marionette that was submitted to me.

Very cool.

(Laughter)

Darling.

Beautiful stuff.

I mean this is incredible.

An 11-year-old girl drew this and submitted it.

It's just gorgeous.

(Laughter)

I'm dead serious here.

This is not a joke.

(Laughter)

But, I think it's a really fun and wonderful thing.

So this is called the "Fiction Project."

This is an online space,

which is basically a refurbished message board

that encourages collaborative fiction writing.

These are haikus.

None of the haikus were written by the same person.

In fact, each line is contributed by a different person

at a different time.

I think that the "now tied up, tied down,

mistress cruel approaches me, now tied down, it's up."

It's an amazing way, and I'll tell you,

if you come home, and your spouse, or whoever it is,

says, "Let's talk" --

That, like, chills you to the very core.

(Laughter)

But it's peripheral activities like these

that allow people to get together, doing fun things.

They actually get to know each other,

and it's sort of like low-threshold peripheral activities

that I think are the key to bringing up

some of our bonding social capital that we're lacking.

And very, very quickly -- I love puppets.

Here's a puppet.

It dances to music.

Lotte Reiniger, an amazing shadow puppeteer in the 20s,

that started doing more elaborate things.

I became interested in puppets,

and I just want to show one last thing to you.

Oh, this is how you make puppets.

(Applause)

Chris Anderson: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ze Frank.

(Applause)