Talk about your death while you're still healthy | Michelle Knox

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Krystian Aparta

Translator: Solveig Vendelbo Reviewer: Jette Thrane

To kick the bucket,

At stille træskoene,

bite the dust,

tage billetten,

cash in your chips,

glemme at trække vejret,

check out, depart, expire,

tjekke ud, tage bort, udånde,

launch into eternity ...

rejse ind i evigheden...

These are all euphemisms we use in humor

Det er alle eufemismer vi bruger i spøg

to describe the one life event we are all going to experience:

til at beskrive den hændelse i livet, vi alle kommer til at opleve:

death.

Døden.

But most of us don't want to acknowledge death,

De fleste vil dog ikke anerkende døden,

we don't want to plan for it,

vi har ikke lyst til at planlægge den,

and we don't want to discuss it with the most important people in our lives.

vi har ikke lyst til at tale om den med de vigtigste mennesker i vores liv.

I grew up in an Australian community where people got old or sick

Jeg voksede op i Australien, og så at folk blev gamle eller syge

and passed away,

og døde,

and only the adults attended the funeral.

og kun de voksne deltog i begravelserne.

My parents would come home looking sad and drained,

Min forældre kom hjem, sørgmodige og trætte,

but they didn't discuss it with us.

men talte ikke med os om det.

So I was ignorant to death and of the grieving process.

Så jeg vidste intet om døden, eller hvordan man sørger.

At 15, I got my invitation.

Jeg var 15, da jeg fik en invitation.

A dear neighbor who was like an aunt to me

En elsket nabo, der var som en tante for mig,

died suddenly of a heart attack,

døde pludseligt af hjertestop,

and I attended my first funeral and did my first reading.

og jeg deltog i min første begravelse, og holdt min første gravtale.

I didn't know the tightness in my chest and the dryness in my mouth was normal.

Jeg vidste ikke, at knugen i brystet og tørhed i halsen er normalt.

The celebrant got some of the facts wrong, and it made me really angry.

Faktuelle fejl i prædikenen, gjorde mig virkelig vred.

He talked about how she loved knitting.

Det blev sagt, at hun elskede at strikke.

Knitting.

At strikke.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

He didn't mention that, at 75, she still mowed her own lawn,

Ingen nævnte, at hun som 75-årig stadig slog sin egen græsplæne,

built an amazing fish pond in her front yard

byggede en fantastisk fiskedam i sin forhave

and made her own ginger beer.

og bryggede sin egen ingefærøl.

I'm pretty sure "keen knitter"

"Strikkeglad" er helt sikkert

isn't what she would have chosen for her eulogy.

ikke det, hun ville have valgt til sin mindetale.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

I believe if we discuss death as part of day-to-day living,

Hvis vi taler om død som en del af dagligdagen,

we give ourselves the opportunity to reflect on our core values,

får vi mulighed for at overveje vores værdier,

share them with our loved ones,

og dele dem med vores kære;

and then our survivors can make informed decisions

og vores efterladte kan tage informerede beslutninger

without fear or regret of having failed to honor our legacy.

uden frygt eller fortrydelse for ikke at have gjort vores eftermæle ære.

I am blessed to lead a wonderful, culturally diverse team,

Jeg er heldig at lede et skønt, kulturelt mangfoldigt hold,

and in the last 12 months,

og i løbet af det sidste år

we've lost five parents,

har vi mistet fem forældre,

including my own father,

heriblandt min egen far,

and most recently, a former colleague who died at 41 from bowel cancer.

og senest en tidligere kollega, som døde af tarmkræft som 41-årig.

We started having open and frank conversations

Vi begyndte at tale åbent og ærligt

about what we were experiencing.

om vores oplevelser.

We talked about the practical stuff,

Vi talte om det praktiske,

the stuff no one prepares you for:

de ting, ingen forbereder dig på:

dealing with government agencies,

At håndtere myndighederne,

hospitals, nursing homes,

hospitalerne, plejehjemmene,

advanced care directives,

livstestamenter,

funeral directors

bedemænd

and extended family members,

og fjerne familiemedlemmer,

(Laughter)

(Latter)

making decisions about coffins,

beslutninger om kister,

headstones,

gravsten,

headstone wording,

teksten på gravstenen,

headstone font size,

størrelsen på teksten på gravstenen,

all while sleep-deprived.

altsammen med søvnunderskud.

We also discussed some of the issues

Vi talte også om de ting,

triggered by our various cultural backgrounds,

vores forskellige kulturelle baggrunde udløste,

and we realized there can be some significant differences

og erkendte, at der kan være stor forskel på,

in how we honor the passing of a loved one.

hvordan man ærer en elsket efter døden.

A great example of this is "Sorry Business,"

Et glimrende eksempel er "sorgpraksis",

practiced by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people.

der bruges af den oprindelige befolkning i Australien og Torresstrædet.

During Sorry Business,

Under "sorgpraksis"

family members will take on specific roles and responsibilities,

påtager slægtninge sig bestemte roller og ansvar,

protocols such as limiting the use of photographs,

og handlinger såsom at begrænse fotografier,

saying the name of the deceased,

at undlade at sige den afdødes navn,

and holding a smoking ceremony

og at afholde en rygeceremoni

are all a sign of respect and allow for a peaceful transition of the spirit.

alt sammen tegn på respekt der giver ånden en fredelig overgang.

These customs can be a complete contrast

Disse skikke kan være i skarp kontrast

to those we might practice in Western cultures,

med de skikke, vi har i vestlige kulturer,

where we would honor the memory of a loved one

hvor vi ærer en elsket persons minde

by talking about them and sharing photographs.

ved at tale om vedkommende og dele billeder.

So my lesson from this last year is,

I det sidste år har jeg lært,

life would be a lot easier to live if we talked about death now,

at livet ville være langt lettere, hvis vi talte om døden nu,

while we're healthy.

mens vi er raske.

For most of us, we wait until we are too emotional,

De fleste af os venter, indtil vi er for berørte,

too ill

for syge

or too physically exhausted --

eller for fysisk udmattede -

and then it's too late.

og så er det for sent.

Isn't it time we started taking ownership of our finale on this earth?

Er det ikke på tide vi tager ejerskab af vores finale på jorden?

So let's get going.

Så lad os komme i gang.

Do you know what you want when you die?

Ved du, hvad du ønsker, når du dør?

Do you know how you want to be remembered?

Ved du, hvordan du ønsker at blive mindet?

Is location important?

Er stedet vigtigt?

Do you want to be near the ocean

Vil du være nær havet

or in the ocean?

eller i havet?

(Laughter)

(Latter)

Do you want a religious service or an informal party,

Ønsker du en religiøs ceremoni, eller en uformel fest,

or do you want to go out with a bang,

eller vil du gå ud med et brag,

literally, in a firework?

bogstaveligt talt, med fyrværkeri?

(Laughter)

(Latter)

When it comes to death, there's so much to discuss,

Der er så meget at tale om,

but I want to focus on two aspects:

men jeg vil fokusere på to aspekter:

why talking about and planning your death can help you experience a good death,

Hvorfor det at tale om og planlægge din død kan bidrage til en god død,

and then reduce the stress on your loved ones;

og mindske presset på dine elskede;

and how talking about death can help us support those who are grieving.

og hvordan det at tale om døden kan støtte dem, der sørger.

So let's start with planning.

Lad os begynde med planlægningen.

How many of you have a will?

Hvor mange af jer har et testamente?

Put your hand up.

Ræk hånden op.

Oh, this is fantastic.

Åh, det er fantastisk!

In Australia, 45 percent of adults over the age of 18

I Australien har 45% af dem over 18 år

do not have a legal will.

ikke et gyldigt testamente.

You're a little bit above average.

I er lidt over gennemsnittet.

This is a startling statistic

Det er en overraskende statistik,

given that writing a will can actually be quite simple and inexpensive.

fordi det kan være både enkelt og billigt at skrive testamente.

So I started asking my friends and neighbors

Jeg begyndte at spørge venner og naboer,

and was really surprised to learn many of them don't have a will,

og var overrasket over, at mange intet testamente har,

and some couples don't realize they need individual wills.

og nogle par ved ikke, at de bør have hver deres testamente.

The usual explanation was, well, it's all going to go to my partner anyway.

Sædvanligvis er forklaringen, at "min partner får alligevel det hele".

So keep in mind that laws vary

Husk, at loven er forskellig

from state to state and country to country,

fra stat til stat og land til land.

but this is what happens in New South Wales

Her er, hvad der sker i New South Wales,

if you die without leaving a legal will.

hvis du dør uden at efterlade et gyldigt testamente.

Firstly, a suitable administrator must be appointed

Først skal en passende bobestyrer udpeges

by the Supreme Court of New South Wales.

af højesteretten for New South Wales.

Chances are this is someone who would never have met the deceased.

Formentlig er dette en person, der aldrig har mødt den afdøde.

That person is then responsible for arranging your funeral,

Denne person er ansvarlig for at planlægge din begravelse,

collecting assets and distributing them after paying debts and taxes.

samle dine aktiver og fordele dem efter at have betalt gæld og skat.

And one of those debts will be the bill for their services.

En del af gælden er regningen for denne service.

This is not someone who would have known

Denne person ved ikke,

you want the four-foot wooden giraffe in your living room

at du vil efterlade den meter-høje træ-giraf i din stue

to go to the person who helped you carry it halfway across the world,

til den der hjalp dig med at slæbe den halvvejs om Jorden,

and yes, that's in my will.

og ja, det står der i mit testamente.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

If you die leaving a spouse or a domestic partner,

Hvis du efterlader en ægtefælle eller samlever,

then chances are they will receive your estate,

vil de sandsynligvis arve dig,

but if you are single, it's far more complicated,

men hvis du er alene, er det mere indviklet,

as parents, siblings, half-siblings and dependents all come into play.

fordi forældre, søskende, halvsøskende m.m alle kommer i spil.

And did you know that if you make a regular donation to charity,

Hvis du regelmæssigt har doneret til velgørenhed,

that charity may have grounds to make a claim on your estate?

har modtageren måske ret til en del af boet.

The most important thing to know is the bigger your estate,

Det vigtigste er, at jo større dit bo er,

the more complicated that will will be,

jo mere indviklet bliver testamentet -

and the more expensive that bill.

og dermed dyrere.

So if you don't have a will, I ask you ...

Så hvis du ikke har et testamente, beder jeg dig...

when else in your life

hvornår ellers i livet

have you willingly given money to the government

har du villigt givet penge til staten

when you didn't have to?

uden at være tvunget?

(Laughter)

(Latter)

I lost my father in February to a progressive lung disease.

Min far døde i februar af en lungesygdom.

When dad knew his death was imminent,

Da min far vidste, at han snart skulle dø,

he had three clear wishes.

havde han tre klare ønsker.

He wanted to die at home;

Han ville dø i sit hjem;

he wanted to die surrounded by family;

han ville dø omgivet af familie;

and he wanted to die peacefully, not choking or gasping for air.

og han ville dø fredeligt, uden at skulle gispe efter vejret.

And I'm pleased to say that my family were able to support dad's wishes,

Det var heldigvis muligt for os at opfylde hans ønsker,

and he achieved his goals,

og han nåede sine mål -

and in that sense, he had a good death.

og i den forstand var det en god død.

He had the death he planned for.

Den død, han havde planlagt.

Because dad wanted to die at home,

Fordi min far ønskede at dø hjemme,

we had to have some pretty tough conversations

var det nødvendigt at føre nogle meget svære samtaler

and fill out a lot of paperwork.

og lave meget papirarbejde.

The questions on the forms cover everything from resuscitation to organ donation.

Spørgsmålene dækkede alt fra genoplivning til organdonation.

Dad said, "Take whatever organs you can use."

Far sagde, "Tag de organer, der kan bruges".

This was upsetting to my mum,

Det blev min mor helt oprevet af,

as my dad's health was deteriorating rapidly,

fordi min fars helbred svækkedes,

and it was no longer the right time to talk about organ donation.

og det ikke længere gav mening at tale om organdonation.

I believe we need to discuss these issues when we are fit and healthy,

Vi skal tale om disse emner, når vi er raske og har det godt,

so we can take the emotion out of it,

så vi kan udelade følelserne

and then we can learn not just what is important,

og ikke bare finde ud af, hvad der er vigtigt,

but why it's important.

men hvorfor det er vigtigt.

So as part of my journey,

Som en del af min rejse

I started engaging my family and friends to find out their thoughts on death,

begyndte jeg at tale med mine nære for at høre deres tanker om døden,

and how they wanted to be remembered.

og hvordan de gerne vil huskes.

I discovered you can host a "Death Over Dinner,"

Jeg opdagede, at man kan være vært for "Døden til Middag",

or a "Death Cafe,"

eller en "Dødscafé",

which is a great, casual way to introduce the topic ...

hvilket er er herlig, uformel måde at tage emnet op på...

(Laughter)

(Latter)

and gain some wonderful insight.

og opnå stor indsigt.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

Did you know that your body has to be legally disposed of,

Vidste du, at din krop skal bortskaffes lovligt,

and you can't just be shoved off a cliff

og at du ikke bare må blive kastet ud over en klippe

or set fire to in the backyard?

eller brændt i baghaven?

(Laughter)

(Latter)

In Australia, you have three options.

I Australien er der tre muligheder.

The two most common are burial and cremation,

De mest almindelige er begravelse og kremering,

but you can also donate your body to science.

men man kan også donere sin krop til videnskaben.

And I am pleased to report that innovation has touched

Og det glæder mig at kunne meddele, at der nu er innovation i

the world of corpse disposal.

lig-bortskaffelses-branchen.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

You can now opt for an eco-funeral.

Nu er miljøvenlige begravelser en mulighed.

You can be buried at the base of a tree

Man kan blive begravet for foden af et træ

in recycled cardboard or a wicker basket,

i genbrugskarton eller en flettet kurv.

and for those who love the ocean,

For dem, der elsker havet,

there are eco-friendly urns that will dissolve at sea.

er der miljøvenlige urner, der opløses til søs.

Personally, I plan to be cremated,

Personligt vil jeg kremeres.

but given that I get seasick,

Fordi jeg let bliver søsyg,

I can think of nothing worse

kan jeg ikke forestille mig noget værre

than having my ashes flung into a huge ocean swell.

end at få min aske kastet i en kæmpe havdønning.

I've actually bought a plot in the rose garden next to my dad.

Jeg har faktisk købt plads i rosenhaven ved siden af min far.

I call it my investment property.

Jeg kalder det min investeringsejendom.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

But sadly, there's no tax deduction.

Men desværre er der intet skattefradrag.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

So if you plan for your death,

Hvis du planlægger din død,

then your survivors will know how to experience a healthy bereavement

ved dine efterladte, hvordan de gør det rigtig,

without fear or guilt of having failed to honor your legacy.

uden frygt eller dårlig samvittighed over ikke at have æret dit minde.

As part of my research, I've been to seminars,

Gennem min forskning har jeg deltaget i seminarer,

read books and talked to palliative care nurses.

læst bøger og talt med sygeplejersker med speciale i smertelindring.

And I've come to understand

Det er gået op for mig,

as a consequence of not talking about death,

at fordi vi ikke taler om døden,

we don't know how to be around grief.

ved vi ikke, hvordan vi skal håndtere sorg.

And on the flip side, if we talk about death more,

Og modsat, hvis vi taler mere om døden,

we will become more comfortable with the emotions we experience around grief.

bliver vi mere vant til de følelser, der hører sorgen til.

I discovered, this year,

I år opdagede jeg,

it's actually a privilege to help someone exit this life,

at det faktisk er et privilegie at hjælpe nogen forlade dette liv.

and although my heart is heavy with loss and sadness,

Mit hjerte er tungt af tab og sorg,

it is not heavy with regret.

men ikke af fortrydelse.

I knew what dad wanted,

Jeg vidste, hvad min far ønskede,

and I feel at peace knowing I could support his wishes.

og fandt fred i, at jeg kunne udføre hans ønsker.

My dad's last 24 hours were in a peaceful coma,

Min fars sidste døgn var i fredeligt koma,

and after days of around-the-clock care,

og efter dagevis af døgnpleje,

we had time to sit, hold his hand,

havde vi tid til at sidde og holde hans hånd,

and say goodbye.

og sige farvel.

He passed away on a Monday morning just before breakfast,

Han døde en mandag morgen lige før morgenmad,

and after the doctor came

og lægen kom.

and we waited for the funeral home,

Mens vi ventede på bedemanden,

I went into the kitchen, and I ate a big bowl of porridge.

gik jeg ud i køkkenet og spiste en stor skål havregrød.

When I told some of my friends this, they were really shocked.

Det blev nogle af mine venner, virkelig chokeret over.

"How could you eat at a time like that?"

"Hvordan kunne du spise i den situation?"

Well, I was hungry.

Jamen, jeg var sulten.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

You see, grief impacted my sleep and my ability to concentrate,

Forstår I, sorgen påvirkede min søvn og koncentrationsevne,

but it never impacted my stomach. I was always hungry.

men aldrig min mave. Jeg var hele tiden sulten.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

It's different for all of us,

Det er forskelligt for os alle,

and it's really important that we acknowledge that.

og det er meget vigtigt at anerkende.

So if we don't talk about our death and the death of loved ones,

Hvis vi ikke taler om vores død, og vores næres død,

how can we possibly support a friend, a colleague, a neighbor

hvordan skal vi så kunne støtte en ven, en kollega, en nabo,

who is grieving?

der sørger?

How do we support someone who has lost someone suddenly,

Hvordan støtter man en person, der pludselig har mistet nogen,

like an accident or suicide?

i en ulykke eller et selvmord?

We tend to avoid them ...

Vi plejer at undgå dem...

not because we don't care,

ikke fordi vi er ligeglade,

because we don't know what to say.

fordi vi ikke ved, hvad vi skal sige.

We know as a friend we can't fix it,

Vi kan ikke gøre det godt igen,

we can't take away that pain,

vi kan ikke fjerne smerten,

so we say things to fill that awkward silence,

så vi forsøger at fylde den akavede tavshed,

sometimes things we regret saying.

og siger nogle gange noget, vi fortryder.

Examples would be:

For eksempel:

"At least he isn't suffering anymore."

"I det mindste lider han ikke længere."

"At least you've got your memories."

"Du har da minderne."

"At least you don't have to pay for hospital parking anymore."

"Du slipper i det mindste for betaling af hospitalsparkering"

(Laughter)

(Latter)

Really, we don't need to say anything.

I virkeligheden behøver vi ikke at sige noget.

We just need to be.

Vi skal bare være.

Be patient,

Være tålmodige,

be understanding,

være forstående,

and be a listener.

og lytte.

And if you can't be any of those things,

Hvis du ikke kan nogen af de ting,

then please, be the person who makes the lasagna, the curry or the casserole,

så vær i det mindste den, der laver lasagnen, karryen eller gryderetten,

because your offerings will be greatly appreciated.

for dit bidrag vil blive værdsat.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

I've been to 10 funerals in the last year,

Jeg har deltaget i 10 begravelser det seneste år,

one of which I helped arrange.

og hjulpet med at arrangere en af dem.

They ran the full gamut:

Der var alle slags:

a very solemn Greek Orthodox service,

En meget højtidelig græsk ortodoks gudstjeneste,

four Catholic requiem masses

fire katolske rekviemmer

and a garden party

og en havefest,

where I made a toast while scattering my friend's ashes around her garden

hvor jeg holdt tale, mens jeg strøede hendes aske i haven

with a soup ladle.

med en suppeske.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

I have carried, kissed, written on and toasted coffins with a shot of ouzo.

Jeg har båret, kysset, skrevet på og skålet for kister med et shot ouzo.

I have worn all black,

Jeg har været klædt helt i sort,

all color and a party dress.

farverigt og i en festkjole.

Despite the vast differences in sendoff,

På trods af de store forskelle,

despite me being at times out of my comfort zone

på trods af, at jeg måske har været utilpas,

doing something I've never done before,

når jeg gjorde noget, jeg aldrig havde gjort før,

I drew comfort from one thing --

fandt jeg styrke i en ting -

knowing that this is what each person would have wanted.

jeg vidste, at det var, hvad hver person ville have ønsket.

So what do I want?

Hvad ønsker jeg så?

Well, I like to be organized, so I have the will,

Jeg kan lide at være velforberedt, så jeg har testamentet,

I'm a registered organ donor, and I have my investment property.

jeg er registreret organdonor, og jeg har min investeringsejendom.

All that is left is planning my sendoff,

Det eneste, der mangler, er at planlægge afskeden,

a big party, lots of champagne,

en stor fest, masser af champagne,

color, laughter, and of course, music to remember me by.

farver, grin og selvfølgelig musik at mindes mig til.

Thank you.

Mange tak.

(Applause)

(Klapsalve)