Talk about your death while you're still healthy | Michelle Knox

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Krystian Aparta

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Thomas Tam

To kick the bucket,

踢開桶子、

bite the dust,

咬土、

cash in your chips,

把籌碼兌成錢、

check out, depart, expire,

退房、離去、過期、

launch into eternity ...

朝永恆出發…

These are all euphemisms we use in humor

這些都是我們使用的幽默婉轉說法，

to describe the one life event we are all going to experience:

用來描述所有人都將會 經歷的一項人生大事：

death.

死亡。

But most of us don't want to acknowledge death,

但我們大部分人都不想答理死亡，

we don't want to plan for it,

我們不想為死亡做規劃，

and we don't want to discuss it with the most important people in our lives.

我們不想和我們生命中 最重要的人討論死亡。

I grew up in an Australian community where people got old or sick

我在澳洲社區長大， 在那裡，人們變老或生病，

and passed away,

然後過世，

and only the adults attended the funeral.

只有成人會出席葬禮。

My parents would come home looking sad and drained,

我父母回家時， 看起來很悲傷、精疲力竭，

but they didn't discuss it with us.

但他們不會和我們談這些事。

So I was ignorant to death and of the grieving process.

所以我對於死亡以及 哀悼過程是很無知的。

At 15, I got my invitation.

在十五歲時，我收到了邀請。

A dear neighbor who was like an aunt to me

一個對我而言像是阿姨一樣親的鄰居

died suddenly of a heart attack,

因為心臟病發而突然過世，

and I attended my first funeral and did my first reading.

那是我第一次參加葬禮， 第一次朗讀。

I didn't know the tightness in my chest and the dryness in my mouth was normal.

我不知道胸口很緊、 嘴巴很乾的感覺是正常的。

The celebrant got some of the facts wrong, and it made me really angry.

主持儀式的人把一些事實 弄錯了，讓我很生氣。

He talked about how she loved knitting.

他談到她有多熱愛編織。

Knitting.

編織。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

He didn't mention that, at 75, she still mowed her own lawn,

他沒有提到，在 75 歲時， 她仍然自己刈自己的草坪，

built an amazing fish pond in her front yard

在她的前院建了個很了不起的魚池，

and made her own ginger beer.

她還會自己做薑汁汽水。

I'm pretty sure "keen knitter"

我很確定，「編織熱愛者」

isn't what she would have chosen for her eulogy.

不會是她想要的悼詞。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I believe if we discuss death as part of day-to-day living,

我相信，如果我們能 在日常中討論死亡，

we give ourselves the opportunity to reflect on our core values,

就能給自己機會來 反思我們的核心價值，

share them with our loved ones,

並和我們所愛的人分享這些，

and then our survivors can make informed decisions

然後我們尚在世的家人 就可以做出有根據的的決定，

without fear or regret of having failed to honor our legacy.

不會害怕或後悔 沒有尊重到自己的傳承。

I am blessed to lead a wonderful, culturally diverse team,

我很有福氣，能夠領導一個 美好且有著文化多樣性的團隊，

and in the last 12 months,

在過去十二個月中，

we've lost five parents,

我們失去了五個父母親，

including my own father,

包括我自己的父親，

and most recently, a former colleague who died at 41 from bowel cancer.

最近，一位前同事因為腸癌， 才 41 歲就過世了。

We started having open and frank conversations

我們開始進行開放且坦白的對談，

about what we were experiencing.

談我們所經歷的。

We talked about the practical stuff,

我們談到了實際的情況，

the stuff no one prepares you for:

沒有人幫你準備面對的事：

dealing with government agencies,

需打交道的包括政府機關、

hospitals, nursing homes,

醫院、療養院、

advanced care directives,

預後指示、

funeral directors

禮儀師，

and extended family members,

以及大家庭的成員；

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

making decisions about coffins,

決定用哪種棺材、

headstones,

墓碑、

headstone wording,

墓碑上的字、

headstone font size,

墓碑上的字體大小，

all while sleep-deprived.

都在睡眠不足時要決定。

We also discussed some of the issues

我們也討論了一些議題，

triggered by our various cultural backgrounds,

我們各種文化背景所觸發的議題，

and we realized there can be some significant differences

我們發現，在我們如何對過世的愛人

in how we honor the passing of a loved one.

展現敬意上，可以造成明顯的不同。

A great example of this is "Sorry Business,"

一個很好的例子是「遺憾事業」，

practiced by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people.

它是原住民以及托雷斯 海峽群島人所用的儀式。

During Sorry Business,

在遺憾事業的過程中，

family members will take on specific roles and responsibilities,

家庭成員要承擔特定的角色和責任，

protocols such as limiting the use of photographs,

照片使用限制等等禮儀，

saying the name of the deceased,

說出死者的名字，

and holding a smoking ceremony

並舉辦一項煙儀式，

are all a sign of respect and allow for a peaceful transition of the spirit.

這些都是尊敬的象徵， 並讓亡靈能平靜地轉換。

These customs can be a complete contrast

這些習俗很可能

to those we might practice in Western cultures,

和西方文化的儀式完全相反，

where we would honor the memory of a loved one

在西方，我們對愛人的記憶 表示敬意的方式，

by talking about them and sharing photographs.

是談論他們、分享他們的照片。

So my lesson from this last year is,

過去一年我學到的是，

life would be a lot easier to live if we talked about death now,

如果我們現在就談論死亡， 生命就會容易許多，

while we're healthy.

當我們還健康時就談。

For most of us, we wait until we are too emotional,

我們大部分的人都會 等到太情緒化的時候，

too ill

太病的時候，

or too physically exhausted --

或身體太疲累的時候，

and then it's too late.

那就太晚了。

Isn't it time we started taking ownership of our finale on this earth?

該是我們開始掌控我們在地球上的 終曲的時候了，不是嗎？

So let's get going.

我們就開始吧。

Do you know what you want when you die?

你知道當你死時你想要什麼嗎？

Do you know how you want to be remembered?

你知道你希望人們 記得你是怎樣的嗎？

Is location important?

地點重要嗎？

Do you want to be near the ocean

你想要靠近海洋

or in the ocean?

或是在海洋中？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Do you want a religious service or an informal party,

你想要宗教儀式還是非正式的聚會？

or do you want to go out with a bang,

還是你想要轟轟烈烈地走，

literally, in a firework?

就是字面上的意思，放煙火？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

When it comes to death, there's so much to discuss,

說到死亡，有好多要討論的，

but I want to focus on two aspects:

但我想要把焦點放在兩個面向上：

why talking about and planning your death can help you experience a good death,

為什麼談論和規劃你的死亡， 能夠協助你體驗好的死亡，

and then reduce the stress on your loved ones;

並減輕你所愛的人的壓力；

and how talking about death can help us support those who are grieving.

以及談論死亡如何能 協助我們支持哀悼的人。

So let's start with planning.

所以，咱們從規劃開始。

How many of you have a will?

在座有哪些人有遺囑？

Put your hand up.

請舉手。

Oh, this is fantastic.

喔，真棒。

In Australia, 45 percent of adults over the age of 18

在澳洲，18 歲以上的成人，有 45%

do not have a legal will.

沒有法定遺囑。

You're a little bit above average.

你們比平均高一些。

This is a startling statistic

這個統計數字蠻驚人的，

given that writing a will can actually be quite simple and inexpensive.

因為寫遺囑其實 很簡單且不用花什麼錢。

So I started asking my friends and neighbors

所以我開始問我的朋友和鄰居，

and was really surprised to learn many of them don't have a will,

讓我驚訝的是，他們當中 好多人都沒有立遺囑，

and some couples don't realize they need individual wills.

有些夫妻不知道他們 需要立個別的遺囑。

The usual explanation was, well, it's all going to go to my partner anyway.

他們通常都這樣解釋：嗯， 反正遺產都會到我另一半那邊。

So keep in mind that laws vary

請牢記在心，每個州、

from state to state and country to country,

每個國家的法律都不一樣，

but this is what happens in New South Wales

在新南威爾斯州，

if you die without leaving a legal will.

若你死時沒有遺囑，

Firstly, a suitable administrator must be appointed

首先，必須要指派 一個適合的遺產管理人，

by the Supreme Court of New South Wales.

新南威爾斯州最高法院會負責指派。

Chances are this is someone who would never have met the deceased.

有可能被指派的人是 完全沒見過死者的人。

That person is then responsible for arranging your funeral,

接著，那個人有責任 要安排你的葬禮，

collecting assets and distributing them after paying debts and taxes.

收集資產，付清了債務和 稅款之後，剩下的再做分配。

And one of those debts will be the bill for their services.

而其中一項債務， 就是他們的服務帳單。

This is not someone who would have known

這個人不會知道

you want the four-foot wooden giraffe in your living room

你希望你客廳中那隻 四呎高的木製長頸鹿

to go to the person who helped you carry it halfway across the world,

能留給當初協助你 把它搬過半個地球的人，

and yes, that's in my will.

是的，那寫在我的遺囑裡。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

If you die leaving a spouse or a domestic partner,

如果你死時還有留下 配偶或同居伴侶，

then chances are they will receive your estate,

有可能他們會得到你的遺產；

but if you are single, it's far more complicated,

但是如果你單身，情況就複雜許多，

as parents, siblings, half-siblings and dependents all come into play.

因為父母、手足、半手足、 受撫養者通通來參一腳。

And did you know that if you make a regular donation to charity,

你是否知道，如果你向 慈善機構做一般捐贈，

that charity may have grounds to make a claim on your estate?

那間慈善機構就可能 有理由索求你的遺產？

The most important thing to know is the bigger your estate,

最重要的是要知道，你的遺產越多，

the more complicated that will will be,

情況就會越複雜，

and the more expensive that bill.

帳單也會越貴。

So if you don't have a will, I ask you ...

所以如果你還沒立遺囑，那我問你，

when else in your life

你人生中除了在不得已的情況下，

have you willingly given money to the government

還有什麼時候你會願意

when you didn't have to?

把錢給政府？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I lost my father in February to a progressive lung disease.

我在二月失去了我的父親， 他因為進行性肺病而過世。

When dad knew his death was imminent,

當爸爸知道大限已到，

he had three clear wishes.

他有三項明確的願望。

He wanted to die at home;

他希望在家裡離開人世；

he wanted to die surrounded by family;

他希望離開時身邊圍繞著家人；

and he wanted to die peacefully, not choking or gasping for air.

他希望能平靜地離開， 不是窒息或缺氧。

And I'm pleased to say that my family were able to support dad's wishes,

我很高興能說，我的家人 能夠支持我爸爸的願望，

and he achieved his goals,

他達成了他的目標，

and in that sense, he had a good death.

就那方面來說，他有個很好的死亡。

He had the death he planned for.

他得到了他規劃的死亡。

Because dad wanted to die at home,

因為爸爸最後想待在家中，

we had to have some pretty tough conversations

我們得要進行一些很困難的談話，

and fill out a lot of paperwork.

還要填寫許多文書資料。

The questions on the forms cover everything from resuscitation to organ donation.

表格上的問題無所不包， 從急救到器官捐贈都有。

Dad said, "Take whatever organs you can use."

爸爸說：「能用的器官就拿去用。」

This was upsetting to my mum,

這讓我媽媽很沮喪，

as my dad's health was deteriorating rapidly,

隨著我爸爸的健康狀況急速惡化，

and it was no longer the right time to talk about organ donation.

已經不再是適合談論 器官捐贈的時間了。

I believe we need to discuss these issues when we are fit and healthy,

我相信，應該在我們還強健、 健康的時候就討論這些議題，

so we can take the emotion out of it,

我們才能不受情緒影響，

and then we can learn not just what is important,

我們不只能學到什麼才重要，

but why it's important.

還有它為什麼很重要。

So as part of my journey,

所以，我旅程的一部分是，

I started engaging my family and friends to find out their thoughts on death,

我開始和我的家人、朋友接觸， 了解他們對死亡的想法，

and how they wanted to be remembered.

以及他們希望人們如何記得他們。

I discovered you can host a "Death Over Dinner,"

我發現，你可以主持 「晚餐談死亡」，

or a "Death Cafe,"

或是「死亡咖啡」，

which is a great, casual way to introduce the topic ...

這是一種很好很隨意的方式， 來帶入這個主題…

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

and gain some wonderful insight.

並得到些美好的洞見。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Did you know that your body has to be legally disposed of,

你們是否知道，你們的屍體 必須要依法處理，

and you can't just be shoved off a cliff

你們不能把屍體直接丟下懸崖，

or set fire to in the backyard?

或是在院子裡點火焚化？

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

In Australia, you have three options.

在澳洲，有三種選擇。

The two most common are burial and cremation,

其中兩種最普遍的，是埋葬和火化，

but you can also donate your body to science.

但你還可以把你的屍體 捐出做科學用途。

And I am pleased to report that innovation has touched

我很高興向各位報告， 創新已經觸及了

the world of corpse disposal.

屍體處理的世界。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

You can now opt for an eco-funeral.

你現在可以選擇環保葬禮。

You can be buried at the base of a tree

你可以被埋在一棵樹木的基部，

in recycled cardboard or a wicker basket,

放在可回收的紙板或柳條籃子中，

and for those who love the ocean,

至於熱愛海洋的人，

there are eco-friendly urns that will dissolve at sea.

也有環保骨灰甕，在海中會分解。

Personally, I plan to be cremated,

我個人的規劃是要被火化，

but given that I get seasick,

但因為我會暈船，

I can think of nothing worse

我想不出有什麼會比

than having my ashes flung into a huge ocean swell.

把我的骨灰丟入 洶湧大海中更糟的了。

I've actually bought a plot in the rose garden next to my dad.

我在埋葬我爸爸的玫瑰花園裡 買了一小塊他旁邊的土地。

I call it my investment property.

我稱它為我的地產投資。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But sadly, there's no tax deduction.

感傷的是，沒有辦法減稅。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So if you plan for your death,

如果你為你的死亡做規劃，

then your survivors will know how to experience a healthy bereavement

還存活的人就知道如何 度過一段健康的喪親／友之痛，

without fear or guilt of having failed to honor your legacy.

不用害怕或有罪惡感， 覺得沒有尊重你的傳承。

As part of my research, I've been to seminars,

為了我的研究，我會去參加研討會，

read books and talked to palliative care nurses.

閱讀書籍，並和安寧照護護士談談。

And I've come to understand

我漸漸了解到，

as a consequence of not talking about death,

不去談論死亡的一項後果，

we don't know how to be around grief.

就是我們不知道要如何處理悲痛。

And on the flip side, if we talk about death more,

反過來說，如果我們多談談死亡，

we will become more comfortable with the emotions we experience around grief.

對於在悲痛中所感受到的情緒， 我們會感到更舒適些。

I discovered, this year,

今年，我發現，

it's actually a privilege to help someone exit this life,

能夠協助一個人 離開此生，是一項殊榮，

and although my heart is heavy with loss and sadness,

雖然失去和悲傷會讓我的心很沉重，

it is not heavy with regret.

但不是悔恨讓它沉重。

I knew what dad wanted,

我知道我爸爸想要什麼，

and I feel at peace knowing I could support his wishes.

知道我可以支持他的願望， 讓我感到平靜。

My dad's last 24 hours were in a peaceful coma,

我爸爸人生中的最後 24 小時 是在平靜的昏迷中度過，

and after days of around-the-clock care,

經過幾天日以繼夜的照護，

we had time to sit, hold his hand,

我們有時間坐下來，握住他的手，

and say goodbye.

跟他道別。

He passed away on a Monday morning just before breakfast,

他在一個星期一早晨過世， 就在早餐之前，

and after the doctor came

醫生來了之後，

and we waited for the funeral home,

我們等待葬儀社過來，

I went into the kitchen, and I ate a big bowl of porridge.

我走進廚房，吃了一大碗的粥。

When I told some of my friends this, they were really shocked.

當我告訴一些朋友 這件事時，他們很吃驚。

"How could you eat at a time like that?"

「在這樣的時刻，你怎麼能吃？」

Well, I was hungry.

嗯，我那時餓了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

You see, grief impacted my sleep and my ability to concentrate,

悲痛會影響我的睡眠和專注力，

but it never impacted my stomach. I was always hungry.

但它從來沒有影響我的胃。 我總是很餓。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It's different for all of us,

每個人狀況都不一樣，

and it's really important that we acknowledge that.

很重要的是我們要承認這一點。

So if we don't talk about our death and the death of loved ones,

如果我們不談我們的死亡 以及我們所愛的人的死亡，

how can we possibly support a friend, a colleague, a neighbor

我們怎麼有可能支持 正在悲痛中的朋友、

who is grieving?

同事、鄰居？

How do we support someone who has lost someone suddenly,

我們要如何支持突然失去某人的人，

like an accident or suicide?

比如發生意外或自殺的情況？

We tend to avoid them ...

我們會傾向避開他們。

not because we don't care,

不是因為我們不在乎，

because we don't know what to say.

因為我們不知道要說什麼。

We know as a friend we can't fix it,

我們知道，身為朋友， 我們也無法修復這狀況，

we can't take away that pain,

我們無法消除痛苦，

so we say things to fill that awkward silence,

所以我們會說些話 來填補尷尬的寂靜，

sometimes things we regret saying.

有時會說出讓我們後悔的話。

Examples would be:

舉例來說：

"At least he isn't suffering anymore."

「至少他不會再受苦了。」

"At least you've got your memories."

「至少你還有你的記憶。」

"At least you don't have to pay for hospital parking anymore."

「至少你不用再付 醫院的停車費了。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Really, we don't need to say anything.

我們其實不用硬找話來說，

We just need to be.

我們只要在那裡。

Be patient,

有耐心、

be understanding,

善解人意，

and be a listener.

並當一個傾聽者。

And if you can't be any of those things,

如果以上的你都做不到，

then please, be the person who makes the lasagna, the curry or the casserole,

那麼，拜託，去當煮義大利麵、 咖哩、或砂鍋菜的人，

because your offerings will be greatly appreciated.

因為你的貢獻也會被大大感激。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I've been to 10 funerals in the last year,

去年我參加了十場葬禮，

one of which I helped arrange.

我協助安排了其中一場。

They ran the full gamut:

葬禮包羅萬象：

a very solemn Greek Orthodox service,

一個非常莊重的希臘正教儀式、

four Catholic requiem masses

四次天主教安魂彌撒，

and a garden party

還有一場花園派對，

where I made a toast while scattering my friend's ashes around her garden

在派對上，我舉杯敬酒，同時 把我朋友的骨灰灑在她的花園中，

with a soup ladle.

用長柄湯杓來灑。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I have carried, kissed, written on and toasted coffins with a shot of ouzo.

我抬舉棺木、親吻它、 用一小杯茴香烈酒向它敬酒。

I have worn all black,

我穿過全黑服裝、

all color and a party dress.

彩色服裝，以及一件派對禮服。

Despite the vast differences in sendoff,

儘管在送葬上有很大的差異，

despite me being at times out of my comfort zone

儘管我有時候會離開我的舒適圈，

doing something I've never done before,

做我以前從來沒有做過的事，

I drew comfort from one thing --

我取得慰藉的來源是

knowing that this is what each person would have wanted.

知道這是每個人會想要的。

So what do I want?

我想要什麼？

Well, I like to be organized, so I have the will,

我想要條理分明，所以我立有遺囑，

I'm a registered organ donor, and I have my investment property.

我是註冊的器官捐贈者， 我還有我的墓地。

All that is left is planning my sendoff,

剩下的只有規劃我的送葬，

a big party, lots of champagne,

一個大派對，很多香檳，

color, laughter, and of course, music to remember me by.

有色彩，有笑聲，當然 還有讓人們記得我的音樂。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）