Talk about your death while you're still healthy | Michelle Knox

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Krystian Aparta

翻译人员: Jessica Chen 校对人员: Ying Yu

To kick the bucket,

翘辫子

bite the dust,

辞世

cash in your chips,

玩完了

check out, depart, expire,

离开，逝去，结束

launch into eternity ...

驾鹤西去

These are all euphemisms we use in humor

这些都是我们幽默的委婉语

to describe the one life event we are all going to experience:

来描述我们人生中终将经历的事

death.

死亡

But most of us don't want to acknowledge death,

但我们大多数人 不想承认死亡

we don't want to plan for it,

我们不想为它做计划

and we don't want to discuss it with the most important people in our lives.

而且我们不想和人生中 最重要的人们讨论它

I grew up in an Australian community where people got old or sick

我在一个澳大利亚团体中长大 其中人们老去或得病

and passed away,

然后去世

and only the adults attended the funeral.

然后只有成年人参加葬礼

My parents would come home looking sad and drained,

我的父母会回到家 看上去难过且精疲力尽

but they didn't discuss it with us.

但他们不和我们讨论这件事

So I was ignorant to death and of the grieving process.

所以我不了解死亡 还有吊唁流程

At 15, I got my invitation.

十五岁时，我收到了邀请

A dear neighbor who was like an aunt to me

一位亲爱的邻居 其于我就像一位阿姨

died suddenly of a heart attack,

突然死于了心脏病

and I attended my first funeral and did my first reading.

然后我参加了我的首个葬礼 并首次读了颂词

I didn't know the tightness in my chest and the dryness in my mouth was normal.

我并不知道我胸中的沉闷 和嘴中的干燥是正常的

The celebrant got some of the facts wrong, and it made me really angry.

司仪把一些事情弄错了 而这让我非常生气

He talked about how she loved knitting.

他谈到了她有多喜爱编织

Knitting.

编织

(Laughter)

（笑声）

He didn't mention that, at 75, she still mowed her own lawn,

他没有提到，75岁时 她还在自己修剪草坪

built an amazing fish pond in her front yard

在她的前院搭了一个惊人的鱼塘

and made her own ginger beer.

自制姜汁啤酒

I'm pretty sure "keen knitter"

我蛮确定“热衷于编织”

isn't what she would have chosen for her eulogy.

不是她会为自己的悼词选的话

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I believe if we discuss death as part of day-to-day living,

我相信如果我们讨论死亡 像是日常生活的一部分的话

we give ourselves the opportunity to reflect on our core values,

我们给自己机会反思我们的核心价值

share them with our loved ones,

和我们爱的人分享它们

and then our survivors can make informed decisions

然后我们中的幸存者 可以作出有依据的决定

without fear or regret of having failed to honor our legacy.

没有未能尊敬我们遗念 的恐惧和遗憾

I am blessed to lead a wonderful, culturally diverse team,

我很高兴能领导一个 了不起的、多元文化的团队

and in the last 12 months,

而在过去的12个月里

we've lost five parents,

我们失去了五位父母

including my own father,

包括我自己的父亲

and most recently, a former colleague who died at 41 from bowel cancer.

而不久前，一位前任同事 因大肠癌在41岁去世了

We started having open and frank conversations

我们开始坦诚地谈论

about what we were experiencing.

我们的经历

We talked about the practical stuff,

我们讨论实际的东西

the stuff no one prepares you for:

那些没人讨论的细节：

dealing with government agencies,

对付政府机关

hospitals, nursing homes,

医院、护理院

advanced care directives,

先进的护理指导

funeral directors

殡仪负责人

and extended family members,

和大家庭里的成员

(Laughter)

（笑声）

making decisions about coffins,

决定棺材

headstones,

墓碑

headstone wording,

墓志铭

headstone font size,

墓志铭字体大小

all while sleep-deprived.

并且一直都缺乏睡眠

We also discussed some of the issues

我们还讨论了一些

triggered by our various cultural backgrounds,

被我们不同的文化背景影响的事情

and we realized there can be some significant differences

然后我们意识到对于怎样缅怀逝者

in how we honor the passing of a loved one.

可能有非常大的区别

A great example of this is "Sorry Business,"

其中一个例子就是

practiced by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people.

土著人和托雷斯海峡岛居民的丧事

During Sorry Business,

在丧事过程中

family members will take on specific roles and responsibilities,

家人会担任特定的角色和责任

protocols such as limiting the use of photographs,

礼节比如说限制照片的使用

saying the name of the deceased,

说逝者的名字

and holding a smoking ceremony

并且举行吸烟仪式

are all a sign of respect and allow for a peaceful transition of the spirit.

都是尊敬的表现 并且允许灵魂的安详转移

These customs can be a complete contrast

这些习俗与西方习俗

to those we might practice in Western cultures,

大相径庭

where we would honor the memory of a loved one

其中我们会缅怀有关逝者的记忆

by talking about them and sharing photographs.

通过谈论他们并且分享照片

So my lesson from this last year is,

于是我去年得到的教训是

life would be a lot easier to live if we talked about death now,

人生可以变得容易得多 如果我们现在就谈论死亡

while we're healthy.

在我们健康的时候

For most of us, we wait until we are too emotional,

对于我们大部分人来说 我们等到变得太感性的时候

too ill

病入膏肓

or too physically exhausted --

或是太精疲力尽的时候——

and then it's too late.

而那太晚了

Isn't it time we started taking ownership of our finale on this earth?

现在不是我们开始在世上 掌控自己结局的主权的时候吗？

So let's get going.

那么让我们开始吧

Do you know what you want when you die?

你知道你死的时候想要什么吗？

Do you know how you want to be remembered?

你知道你想要怎样被记住吗？

Is location important?

地点重要吗？

Do you want to be near the ocean

你是想要靠海

or in the ocean?

还是在海里

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Do you want a religious service or an informal party,

你想要一个宗教服务 还是非正式聚会

or do you want to go out with a bang,

或是想在巨响中离开

literally, in a firework?

真的，在烟花里？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

When it comes to death, there's so much to discuss,

当事情涉及死亡时 有那么多事情要讨论

but I want to focus on two aspects:

但是我想要集中在两个方面上：

why talking about and planning your death can help you experience a good death,

为什么谈论并计划死亡 可以帮助你死得其所

and then reduce the stress on your loved ones;

并且减少你所爱的人的压力

and how talking about death can help us support those who are grieving.

以及怎样讨论死亡可以 帮助我们安慰那些悼念者

So let's start with planning.

那么让我们开始计划吧

How many of you have a will?

在座多少人立了遗嘱

Put your hand up.

举手

Oh, this is fantastic.

哦，这很棒

In Australia, 45 percent of adults over the age of 18

在澳大利亚，百分之45 18岁以上的成年人

do not have a legal will.

没有一个法定的遗嘱

You're a little bit above average.

你们在平均以上一点

This is a startling statistic

这是一个起始数据

given that writing a will can actually be quite simple and inexpensive.

鉴于写遗嘱其实可以是 挺简单而且便宜的

So I started asking my friends and neighbors

所以我从询问朋友和邻居们开始

and was really surprised to learn many of them don't have a will,

然后非常惊讶地发现 他们许多人没有遗嘱

and some couples don't realize they need individual wills.

而且有些夫妻没有意识到 他们需要个人遗嘱

The usual explanation was, well, it's all going to go to my partner anyway.

通常的解释是，哎呀 那总归会是我配偶的

So keep in mind that laws vary

那么记住法律在不同的

from state to state and country to country,

州和国家之间都有区别

but this is what happens in New South Wales

但是这是新南威尔士的情况

if you die without leaving a legal will.

如果你没有留下法定遗嘱就死去

Firstly, a suitable administrator must be appointed

首先，一个合适的 遗产管理人必须由

by the Supreme Court of New South Wales.

新南威尔士的最高法院指定

Chances are this is someone who would never have met the deceased.

可能这是某个从未见过死者的人

That person is then responsible for arranging your funeral,

那个人就要负责安排你的葬礼

collecting assets and distributing them after paying debts and taxes.

收集资产并在付清 债款和税务之后分配它们

And one of those debts will be the bill for their services.

而其中一个债务就会是 他们的服务账单

This is not someone who would have known

这个人不会知道

you want the four-foot wooden giraffe in your living room

你想把客厅里 四脚木质长颈鹿

to go to the person who helped you carry it halfway across the world,

留送给那个帮助你 跨越半个世界运它过来的人

and yes, that's in my will.

是的，我的遗嘱里有这段

(Laughter)

（笑声）

If you die leaving a spouse or a domestic partner,

如果你死时有配偶或是同居者

then chances are they will receive your estate,

那么他们可能会得到你的遗产

but if you are single, it's far more complicated,

但是如果你单身 这就复杂的多

as parents, siblings, half-siblings and dependents all come into play.

因为父母、同胞、异父／异母同胞、 和受抚养者都会有影响

And did you know that if you make a regular donation to charity,

而且你知不知道如果 你定期向慈善机构捐款

that charity may have grounds to make a claim on your estate?

那个慈善机构会 有资格获得你的遗产？

The most important thing to know is the bigger your estate,

总重要的事就是 你的遗产越多

the more complicated that will will be,

那份遗嘱就越复杂

and the more expensive that bill.

而且账单就越昂贵

So if you don't have a will, I ask you ...

所以如果你没有遗嘱 我请问你

when else in your life

在你人生中有什么时候

have you willingly given money to the government

自愿的给政府钱

when you didn't have to?

但你其实不需要这么做？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I lost my father in February to a progressive lung disease.

我二月时由于进行性肺病 失去了我的父亲

When dad knew his death was imminent,

当老爸知道死亡临近的时候

he had three clear wishes.

他有三个明确的愿望

He wanted to die at home;

他想要在家里去世

he wanted to die surrounded by family;

他想要被家人围绕着去世

and he wanted to die peacefully, not choking or gasping for air.

而且他想要安详地去世

And I'm pleased to say that my family were able to support dad's wishes,

而且我很高兴地说 我家能够支持老爸的愿望

and he achieved his goals,

他得偿所愿

and in that sense, he had a good death.

可以说，他得以好死

He had the death he planned for.

以自己想要的方式去世

Because dad wanted to die at home,

因为老爸想在家逝世

we had to have some pretty tough conversations

我们进行了不少艰难的对话

and fill out a lot of paperwork.

并且填了很多文件

The questions on the forms cover everything from resuscitation to organ donation.

表格上的问题应有尽有 从抢救到器官捐赠

Dad said, "Take whatever organs you can use."

老爸说，“拿走任何你能用的器官”

This was upsetting to my mum,

这让我妈妈很难过

as my dad's health was deteriorating rapidly,

因为我父亲的健康在急速下降

and it was no longer the right time to talk about organ donation.

而且这再也不是 讨论器官捐赠的正确时机

I believe we need to discuss these issues when we are fit and healthy,

我相信我们需要在 强壮且健康的时候讨论这些问题

so we can take the emotion out of it,

那样我们可以不带有那么多情感

and then we can learn not just what is important,

而且我们不仅可以发现 什么是重要的

but why it's important.

还能发现它为什么重要

So as part of my journey,

那么我经历中一部分就是

I started engaging my family and friends to find out their thoughts on death,

我开始让我的家人和朋友们 参与来发现他们对于死亡的想法

and how they wanted to be remembered.

以及他们想要怎样被记住

I discovered you can host a "Death Over Dinner,"

我发现你可以办一个“死亡晚餐”

or a "Death Cafe,"

或者“死亡咖啡”

which is a great, casual way to introduce the topic ...

会是很好的、随意的 方法来介绍主题

(Laughter)

（笑声）

and gain some wonderful insight.

然后得到一些很棒的想法

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Did you know that your body has to be legally disposed of,

你知不知道你的身体得 被合法地处理掉

and you can't just be shoved off a cliff

也就是说你不能直接被推下悬崖

or set fire to in the backyard?

或是在后院被烧掉？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

In Australia, you have three options.

在澳大利亚，你有三个选择

The two most common are burial and cremation,

最常见的两个是埋葬和火化

but you can also donate your body to science.

但是你还可以把身体捐献给科学

And I am pleased to report that innovation has touched

而且我很高兴地报告 创新已经拓展到了

the world of corpse disposal.

尸体处理的领域了

(Laughter)

（笑声）

You can now opt for an eco-funeral.

现在你可以选择生态葬礼

You can be buried at the base of a tree

你可以在回收的硬纸盒 或是柳条筐里

in recycled cardboard or a wicker basket,

被埋在一棵树的根部

and for those who love the ocean,

而对于那些热爱海洋的人

there are eco-friendly urns that will dissolve at sea.

也有环保的、可以在海里溶解的骨灰盒

Personally, I plan to be cremated,

个人来说，我打算被火花

but given that I get seasick,

但由于我晕船

I can think of nothing worse

我想不到有什么比

than having my ashes flung into a huge ocean swell.

我的骨灰被扔到巨浪里 更坏的事了

I've actually bought a plot in the rose garden next to my dad.

我其实在玫瑰园里 我老爸旁边买了个墓地

I call it my investment property.

我把它当作我的地产投资

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But sadly, there's no tax deduction.

但不幸的是，没能扣税

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So if you plan for your death,

所以如果你计划自己的死亡

then your survivors will know how to experience a healthy bereavement

那么你的未亡人能 妥善处理丧亲过程

without fear or guilt of having failed to honor your legacy.

没有恐惧或是 没能尊重你的遗愿的愧疚

As part of my research, I've been to seminars,

作为我研究的一部分 我曾经去过研讨会

read books and talked to palliative care nurses.

读过书并和姑息治疗的护工谈过话

And I've come to understand

而且我逐渐明白

as a consequence of not talking about death,

不谈论死亡的一个后果

we don't know how to be around grief.

就是我们不知道怎么面对悲痛

And on the flip side, if we talk about death more,

而在另一方面 如果我们更多地谈论死亡

we will become more comfortable with the emotions we experience around grief.

我们会变得更习惯于 经历悲痛的情感

I discovered, this year,

今年我发现

it's actually a privilege to help someone exit this life,

帮助别人走完人生最后一里 是一种荣幸

and although my heart is heavy with loss and sadness,

而且虽然我心中充斥着伤痛

it is not heavy with regret.

它并没有悔恨

I knew what dad wanted,

我知道老爸想要什么

and I feel at peace knowing I could support his wishes.

而且我从容地知道 我可以支持他的愿望

My dad's last 24 hours were in a peaceful coma,

我父亲的最后24小时 在安详的昏迷中度过

and after days of around-the-clock care,

而在许多天昼夜不停的看护后

we had time to sit, hold his hand,

我们有时间坐下来 握住他的手

and say goodbye.

然后道别

He passed away on a Monday morning just before breakfast,

他在一个周一的早晨去世了 就在早餐之前

and after the doctor came

而在医生到来之后

and we waited for the funeral home,

我们等待着殡仪馆的到来

I went into the kitchen, and I ate a big bowl of porridge.

我走进了厨房 然后我吃了一大碗粥

When I told some of my friends this, they were really shocked.

当我告诉一些朋友这件事时 他们非常震惊

"How could you eat at a time like that?"

“你在那种时候怎么吃得下东西？”

Well, I was hungry.

呃，我很饿

(Laughter)

（笑声）

You see, grief impacted my sleep and my ability to concentrate,

你看，悲痛影响了我的睡眠 和我的集中注意能力

but it never impacted my stomach. I was always hungry.

但它从来没影响过我的胃 我一直都很饿

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It's different for all of us,

这对我们所有人都不同

and it's really important that we acknowledge that.

而且我们承认这点真的很重要

So if we don't talk about our death and the death of loved ones,

所以如果我们不谈论自己的死亡 和我们爱的人的死亡

how can we possibly support a friend, a colleague, a neighbor

我们怎么有可能支持 一位正在悲痛中的

who is grieving?

朋友、同事、邻居呢？

How do we support someone who has lost someone suddenly,

我们怎么支持某个 突然失去别人的人

like an accident or suicide?

比如一场意外或是自杀？

We tend to avoid them ...

我们尽量避开这些话题

not because we don't care,

不是因为我们不在乎

because we don't know what to say.

而是因为我们不知道说什么

We know as a friend we can't fix it,

我们知道作为一个朋友 我们解决不了这件事

we can't take away that pain,

我们不能带走那种伤痛

so we say things to fill that awkward silence,

所以我们说些什么 来填补那种尴尬的沉默

sometimes things we regret saying.

有时候是我们后悔说出的话

Examples would be:

比如说

"At least he isn't suffering anymore."

“至少他不再受折磨了”

"At least you've got your memories."

“至少你有你的回忆”

"At least you don't have to pay for hospital parking anymore."

“至少你不需要再付医院的停车费了”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Really, we don't need to say anything.

真的，我们什么都不需要说

We just need to be.

我们只需要在

Be patient,

有耐心

be understanding,

去体谅

and be a listener.

然后当个聆听者

And if you can't be any of those things,

而如果你这些都做不到

then please, be the person who makes the lasagna, the curry or the casserole,

那么请你，当那个做 千层面、咖喱或是炖菜的人

because your offerings will be greatly appreciated.

我保证大家会很感激

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I've been to 10 funerals in the last year,

我去年去过十场葬礼

one of which I helped arrange.

策划了其中一场

They ran the full gamut:

他们进行了全套过程

a very solemn Greek Orthodox service,

一个非常庄严的希腊东正教仪式

four Catholic requiem masses

四个天主教安魂弥撒曲

and a garden party

和一个花园聚会

where I made a toast while scattering my friend's ashes around her garden

我一边用汤勺把 朋友的骨灰洒在花园里

with a soup ladle.

一边致辞

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I have carried, kissed, written on and toasted coffins with a shot of ouzo.

我抬过、吻过、写过、 并用一杯茴香酒敬过棺材

I have worn all black,

我穿过全黑

all color and a party dress.

所有颜色和一条派对裙

Despite the vast differences in sendoff,

尽管送别会的巨大不同

despite me being at times out of my comfort zone

尽管我有时候在舒适区外

doing something I've never done before,

做着以前从没做过的事

I drew comfort from one thing --

我从一件事情得取安慰——

knowing that this is what each person would have wanted.

知道每个人都以他们想要的方式离世

So what do I want?

那么我想要什么？

Well, I like to be organized, so I have the will,

呃，我想要有条理 所以我有遗嘱

I'm a registered organ donor, and I have my investment property.

我是注册器官捐献者 还有我那块地产投资

All that is left is planning my sendoff,

剩下的就是策划我的送别会了

a big party, lots of champagne,

一个盛大的聚会，许多香槟

color, laughter, and of course, music to remember me by.

颜色、笑声、以及当然 记念我的音乐

Thank you.

谢谢

(Applause)

（掌声）