Ingrid Betancourt: What six years in captivity taught me about fear and faith (w/ subtitles) | TED

Translator: Camille Martínez

Prevodilac: Jovana Vulić Lektor: Tijana Mihajlović

The first time

Prvi put

I felt fear

kada sam osetila strah

I was 41 years old.

imala sam 41. godinu.

People have always said I was brave.

Uvek su mi govorili da sam hrabra.

When I was little, I'd climb the highest tree,

Od malena sam se uvek penjala na najviše drvo

and I'd approach any animal fearlessly.

i prilazila sam bilo kojoj životinji bez straha.

I liked challenges.

Volela sam izazove.

My father used to say,

Moj otac je govorio:

"Good steel can withstand any temperature."

„Dobar čelik izdrži sve temperature.“

And when I entered into Colombian politics,

A kada sam ušla u politiku u Kolumbiji,

I thought I'd be able to withstand any temperature.

mislila sam da ću podneti svaku temperaturu.

I wanted to end corruption;

Želela sam da prekinem sa korupcijom u zemlji;

I wanted to cut ties between politicians and drug traffickers.

želela sam da raskinem veze

između političara i dilovanja drogom.

The first time I was elected,

I prvi put kada sam bila izabrana

it was because I called out, by name,

bilo je zato što sam optužila, javno,

corrupt and untouchable politicians.

korumpirane političare

koji su bili nedodirljivi.

I also called out the president

Osim toga sam optužila predsednika republike

for his ties to the cartels.

da je povezan sa kartelima.

That's when the threats started.

Tada su otpočele pretnje.

I had to send my very young children out of the country one morning,

Morala sam da izvedem iz zemlje jednog jutra moju decu,

koja su bila mala tada,

hidden, all the way to the airport, in the French ambassador's armored car.

sakrivenu u blindiranom vozilu ambasadora Francuske

koji ih je odveo na aerodrom.

Days later,

A nekoliko dana kasnije,

I was the victim of an attack, but emerged unharmed.

bila sam žrtva atentata, ali sam ostala nepovređena.

The following year,

Sledeće godine,

the Colombian people elected me with the highest number of votes.

Kolumbijci su me izabrali sa najvećim brojem glasova.

I thought people applauded me because I was brave.

I osećala sam da su me veličali zbog hrabrosti.

I, too, thought I was brave.

I ja sam, takođe, mislila da sam hrabra.

But I wasn't.

Ali nisam bila.

I had simply never before experienced

Jednostavno nikada nisam iskusila

true fear.

ono što je bio istinski strah.

That changed

Ovo se promenilo

on February 23, 2002.

23. februara 2002. godine.

At the time, I was a presidential candidate in Colombia

U tom trenutku bila sam kandidat za predsednika Kolumbije

promoting my campaign agenda,

i vodila sam izbornu kampanju

when I was detained by a group of armed men.

kada me je zaustavila grupa naoružanih ljudi

They were wearing uniforms with military garments.

i uniformisanih,

u vojničkoj odeći.

I looked at their boots; they were rubber.

Tada sam pogledala njihove čizme. Bile su gumene.

And I knew

A znala sam

that the Colombian army wore leather boots.

da kolumbijska vojska nosi kožne čizme.

I knew that these were FARC guerrillas.

Znala sam da su to bili gerilci iz trupa ROSK-a.

From that point on, everything happened very quickly.

Od tog trenutka, sve se izdešavalo veoma brzo.

The commando leader ordered us to stop the vehicle.

Komandant je izdao naredbu da se vozilo zaustavi,

Meanwhile, one of his men stepped on an antipersonnel mine

a u tom trenutku je jedan od njegovih ljudi nagazio

na protivpešadijsku minu i poleteo u vazduh.

and flew through the air.

He landed, sitting upright,

Pao je na zemlju u sedećem položaju ispred mene

right in front of me.

We made eye contact

i naši pogledi su se ukrstili.

and it was then that the young man understood:

Tada je momak shvatio.

his rubber boot with his leg still in it

Njegova čizma zajedno sa nogom je odletela daleko.

had landed far away.

(Uzdiše)

(Sighs)

He started

Počeo je

screaming like crazy.

da viče kao lud.

And the truth is,

I stvarno,

I felt -- as I feel right now, because I'm reliving these emotions --

osetila sam, kao što i sada osećam, jer ponovo proživljam te emocije,

I felt at that moment that something inside of me was breaking

osetila sam u tom trenutku da se nešto u meni slomilo

and that I was being infected with his fear.

i da sam bila zaražena njegovim strahom;

My mind went blank and couldn't think;

razum mi se pomutio i nisam mogla da razmišljam.

it was paralyzed.

Bila sam kao paralizovana.

When I finally reacted,

A kada sam konačno odreagovala,

I said to myself,

rekla sam sebi:

"They're going to kill me,

„Ubiće me,

and I didn't say goodbye to my children."

a ja se nisam oprostila sa decom.“

As they took me into the deepest depths of the jungle,

Dok su me odvodili u najdublju džunglu,

the FARC soldiers announced

ROSK je objavio da će me ubiti

that if the government didn't negotiate,

they'd kill me.

ako Vlada ne bude pregovarala.

And I knew

A znala sam

that the government wouldn't negotiate.

da Vlada neće pregovarati.

From that point on,

Od tada,

I went to sleep in fear every night --

svake noći sam išla na spavanje sa strahom.

cold sweats,

Hladan znoj, drhtanje,

shaking,

stomach ache,

bol u stomaku, nesanica.

insomnia.

But worse than that was what was happening to my mind,

Ali najgore je prošao moj um

zato što su mi iz pamćenja bili izbrisani

because my memory was being erased: all the phone numbers,

svi brojevi telefona, adrese,

addresses,

names of very dear people,

imena veoma bliskih ljudi,

even significant life events.

čak i bitni životni događaji.

And so,

I tada sam počela da sumnjam u sebe samu, u svoje mentalno zdravlje.

I began to doubt myself, to doubt my mental health.

And with doubt came desperation,

A sa sumnjama došlo je i očajanje,

and with desperation came depression.

a sa njim i depresija.

I was suffering notorious behavioral changes

Imala sam vidljive promene u ponašanju

and it wasn't just paranoia in moments of panic.

i nije bila u pitanju samo paranoja u trenucima panike.

It was distrust,

Bilo je i nepoverenje,

it was hatred,

mržnja i potreba da ubijem nekog.

and it was also the urge to kill.

This, I realized

Postala sam svesna toga

when they had me chained by the neck to a tree.

kada sam bila vezana lancima oko vrata za jedno drvo.

They kept me outside that day,

Tog dana su me držali napolju

during a tropical downpour.

na tropskom pljusku.

I remember feeling an urgent need to use the bathroom.

Sećam se da sam imala veliku potrebu za toaletom.

"Whatever you have to do,

„Ono što moraš da uradiš

you'll do in front of me,

uradićes ispred mene,

bitch,"

kučko“,

the guard screamed at me.

viknuo mi je stražar.

And I

I ja sam donela odluku u tom trenutku

decided at that moment

to kill him.

da ga ubijem.

And for days,

Danima sam planirala,

I was planning, trying to find the right moment, the right way to do it,

tražila pravi momenat i način,

filled with hatred,

puna mržnje, puna straha.

filled with fear.

Then suddenly,

Dok odjednom nisam izašla,

I rose up,

snapped out of it

stresla se

and thought:

i pomislila:

"I'm not going to become one of them.

„Neće me pretvoriti u jednu od njih.

I'm not going to become an assassin.

Neću postati ubica.

I still have enough freedom

Još uvek mi je ostalo dovoljno slobode

to decide

da odlučim

who I want to be."

šta želim da budem.“

That's when I learned that fear

Tada sam shvatila da je strah

brought me face to face with myself.

učinio da se suočim sama sa sobom.

It forced me

Primoravao me je

to align my energies,

da usmerim svoju energiju,

to align my meridians.

da poravnam svoje vrednosti.

I learned that facing fear

Naučila sam da se suočavanje sa strahom

could become a pathway to growth.

može transformisati u put uzrastanja.

A lot of emotions arise when I talk about all of this,

Mnoga osećanja me obuzimaju kada govorim o ovome,

but when I think back,

ali kada pogledam unazad

I'm able to identify

mogu da prepoznam

the steps I took to do it.

korake koje sam preduzela da bih to uspela.

I want to share three of them with you.

I želim da podelim sa vama tri koraka.

The first

Prvi je bio

was to be guided by principles.

vođenje principima

Because I realized

zato što sam shvatila da usled panike i mentalne blokade,

that in the midst of panic and mental block,

if I followed my principles,

ako bih se vodila principima,

I acted correctly.

reagovala sam na dobar način.

I remember the first night

Sećam se prve večeri

in a concentration camp that the guerrillas had built

u koncentracionom logoru koji je gerila napravila usred džungle,

in the middle of the jungle,

with 12-foot-high bars,

sa rešetkama visine 4 metra,

barbed wire,

bodljikavom žicom,

lookouts in the four corners

sa osmatračnicama na sve četiri strane

and armed men pointing guns at us 24 hours a day.

i naoružanim ljudima koji su nas držali na nišanu 24h.

That morning, the first morning,

Tog prvog jutra

some men arrived, yelling:

došli su neki ljudi vičući:

"Count off! Count off!"

„Prebrojte se, prebrojte se!“

My fellow hostages woke up, startled,

Moji prijatelji zatočenici su se probudili uplašeni

and began to identify themselves in numbered sequence.

i počeli su da se identifikuju prema rednim brojevima.

But when it was my turn,

Ali kada je došao red na mene,

I said,

rekla sam:

"Ingrid Betancourt.

„Ingrid Betankur.

If you want to know if I'm here, call me by my name."

Ako želite da znate da li sam tu, zovite me po imenu.“

The guards' fury

Bes stražara

was nothing compared to that of the other hostages,

nije bio toliki kao bes mojih prijatelja

because, obviously they were scared --

zato što, naravno, oni su bili uplašeni, svi smo to bili,

we were all scared --

a oni su se plašili da će zbog mene biti kažnjeni.

and they were afraid that, because of me, they would be punished.

But for me,

Ali za mene je iznad straha

beyond fear was the need to defend my identity,

postojala potreba da branim svoj identitet,

to not let them turn me into a thing or a number.

da ne dopustim da me pretvore u neku stvar ili broj.

That was one of the principles:

Ovo je bio početak;

to defend

bila je to odbrana

what I considered to be human dignity.

onoga što sam smatrala ljudskim dostojanstvom.

But make no mistake:

Ali, pazite,

the guerrillas had it all

gerila je sve to dobro proučila.

very well analyzed --

they had been kidnapping for years,

Bavili su se otmicama godinama

and they had developed a technique

i razvili su tehniku da...

to break us,

da nas slome,

to defeat us, to divide us.

da nas ponize i naprave razdor među nama.

And so,

Tako da je sledeći korak

the second step

was to learn how to build supportive trust,

bio da naučimo da uspostavimo međusobno poverenje,

to learn how to unite.

da naučimo da se ujedinimo.

The jungle is like a different planet.

Džungla je druga planeta.

It's a world

Ona je jedan svet

of shadows, of rain,

tame, vlažnosti,

with the hum of millions of bugs --

sa zujanjem miliona insekata,

majiña ants, bullet ants.

vinčuka, mrava.

I didn't stop scratching a single day while I was in the jungle.

Nisam prestajala da se češem nijedan dan dok sam bila u džungli.

And of course, there were tarantulas, scorpions, anacondas ...

I naravno, tarantule, škorpije, anakonde.

I once came face to face with a 24-foot long anaconda

Jednom sam se našla licem u lice

sa anakondom dugom osam metara

that could have swallowed me in one bite.

koja je mogla da me proguta u jednom zalogaju.

Jaguars ...

Jaguari...

But I want to tell you

Ali ono što sam htela da kažem je

that none of these animals did us as much harm

da nam nijedna od tih životinja nije toliko naudila

as the human beings.

kao što je to učinio čovek.

The guerrillas terrorized us.

Gerila nas je maltretirala.

They spread rumors.

I širila je glasine

i lažne dojave među zatočenicima,

Among the hostages, they sparked betrayals,

jealousy,

ljubomoru,

resentment,

mržnju,

mistrust.

nepoverenje.

The first time I escaped for a long time was with Lucho.

Prvi put kada sam pobegla na duže vreme

bilo je sa Lućom.

Lucho had been a hostage for two years longer than I had.

Lućo je bio dve godine duže u zatočeništvu nego ja.

We decided to tie ourselves up

I doneli smo odluku da se vežemo konopcima

with ropes

to have the strength to lower ourselves into that dark water

da bismo imali snage da uđemo u tu mutnu vodu

full of piranhas and alligators.

punu pirana i aligatora.

What we did was, during the day, we would hide in the mangroves.

Radili smo sledeće:

tokom dana krili bismo se među drvećem mangrova.

And at night,

A noću bismo izlazili da bismo potom ušli u vodu

we would leave, get in the water,

and we would swim and let the current carry us.

i plivali puštajući da nas struja nosi.

That went on for several days.

Proveli smo tako nekoliko dana.

But Lucho

Ali Lućo

became sick.

se razboleo.

He was diabetic,

Bio je dijabetičar

and he fell into a diabetic coma.

i upao je u dijabetičku komu.

So the guerrillas captured us.

Tada nas je gerila uhvatila.

But after having lived through that with Lucho,

Ali posle toga što sam prošla sa Lućom,

after having faced fear together, united,

da se suočimo sa strahom zajedničkim snagama,

not punishment, not violence -- nothing --

ni kazne, ni nasilje,

ništa više

could ever again divide us.

nije moglo da nas razdvoji.

What's certain is,

Ali, tačno je da su nam sve te manipulacije gerile toliko naudile

all the guerrillas' manipulation was so damaging to us

that even today,

da čak i danas

among some of the hostages

između nekih zatočenika

from back then,

od tada

tensions linger,

postoje nesuglasice

passed down from all that poison

kao posledica svog tog trovanja

that the guerrillas created.

koje je prouzrokovala gerila.

The third step

Treći korak

is very important to me,

za mene je veoma bitan,

and it's a gift that I want to give to you.

a ujedno je i poklon koji želim da vam predam.

The third step is to learn how to develop faith.

Treći korak je da naučite da utvrdite veru.

I want to explain it like this:

Želim to da objasnim na ovaj način:

Jhon Frank Pinchao

Džon Frank Pinćao

was a police officer

bio je potporučnik u policiji

who had been a hostage for more than eight years.

koji je bio osam godina u zatočeništvu.

He was famous for being the biggest scaredy-cat of us all.

Bio je poznat po tome što je bio najplašljiviji od svih nas.

But Pincho -- I called him "Pincho" --

Ali Pinćo -

ja sam ga zvala Pinćo -

Pincho decided that he wanted to escape.

Pinćo je doneo odluku

da želi da pobegne.

And he asked me to help him.

I tražio je da mu pomognem.

By that point, I basically had a master's degree in escape attempts.

U tom trenutku, imala sam, takoreći, master iz pokušaja bekstva.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So

Tada smo počeli da planiramo,

we got started but we had a delay,

ali smo morali da odložimo sve

because first, Pincho had to learn how to swim.

jer je Pinćo prvo morao da nauči da pliva.

And we had to carry out all these preparations in total secrecy.

A sve pripreme smo morali da odradimo u potpunoj tajnosti.

Anyway, when we finally had everything ready,

No dobro,

kada smo imali konačno sve spremno,

Pincho came up to me one afternoon and said,

Pinćo mi je prišao jednog popodneva i pitao me:

"Ingrid, suppose I'm in the jungle,

„Ingrid, pretpostavimo da sam u džungli,

and I go around and around in circles, and I can't find the way out.

da se vrtim u krug iznova i iznova i ne mogu da nađem izlaz.

What do I do?"

Šta da radim?“

"Pincho,

„Pinćo,

you grab a phone,

uzmeš telefon

and you call the man upstairs."

i zoveš Onog odozgo.“

"Ingrid, you know I don't believe in God."

„Ingrid,

znaš da ne verujem u boga.“

"God doesn't care. He'll still help you."

„Bogu to nije bitno.

Svakako će ti pomoći.“

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

It rained all night that night.

Desilo se da je te noći kiša padala sve vreme.

The following morning,

A sledećeg jutra

the camp woke up to a big commotion,

logor je osvanuo u velikom nemiru zato što je Pinćo pobegao.

because Pincho had fled.

They made us dismantle the camp, and we started marching.

Naterali su nas da se razdvojimo i počeli smo da hodamo.

During the march,

A tokom tog marša

the head guerrillas told us that Pincho had died,

vođe gerile su nam saopštile da je Pinćo mrtav

and that they had found his remains

i da su našli njegove ostatke

koje su pojele anakonde.

eaten by an anaconda.

Seventeen days passed --

Prošlo je 17 dana

and believe me, I counted them, because they were torture for me.

i verujte mi da sam ih brojala

zato što je to bilo jedno mučenje za mene.

But on the seventeenth day,

Ali, 17. dana

the news exploded from the radio:

eksplodirala je vest na radiju:

Pincho was free and obviously alive.

Pinćo je bio slobodan i, naravno, živ.

And this was the first thing he said:

Ovo je bila prva izjava koju je dao za radio:

"I know my fellow hostages are listening.

„Znam da me moji prijatelji slušaju.

Ingrid,

Ingrid,

I did what you told me.

uradio sam ono što si mi rekla.

I called the man upstairs,

Pozvao sam Onog odozgo

and he sent me the patrol that rescued me from the jungle."

i poslao mi je patrolu da me izbavi iz džungle.“

That was an extraordinary moment,

Ovo je bio neočekivani momenat

because ...

zato što je očigledno da je strah zarazan.

obviously fear is contagious.

But faith is, too.

Ali i vera isto tako.

Faith isn't rational or emotional.

A vera nije ni racionalna ni vezana za emocije.

Faith

Vera je vežbanje volje.

is an exercise of the will.

It's the discipline of the will.

To je disciplina volje.

It's what allows us to transform everything that we are --

Ono što nam dopušta da transformišemo sve ono što jesmo,

our weaknesses, our frailties,

naše mane, naše slabosti

into strength, into power.

u snagu, u moć.

It's truly a transformation.

U suštini, to je preobražaj.

It's what gives us the strength

To je ono što nam daje snagu da ustanemo

to stand up

in the face of fear

protiv straha

look above it,

i da pogledamo iznad njega, da vidimo još dalje.

and see beyond it.

I hope you remember that,

Nadam se da ćete ovo zapamtiti

because I know we all need

zato što znam da svi mi imamo potrebu

to connect with that strength we have inside of us

da se povežemo sa tom snagom unutar nas

for the times when there's a storm raging around our boat.

u momentima kada se podigne oluja oko naše barke.

Many, many, many, many years passed

Prošlo je mnogo, mnogo godina

before I could return to my house.

pre nego što sam mogla da se vratim kući.

But when they took us, handcuffed, into the helicopter

Ali kada su nas popeli vezane

that finally took us out of the jungle,

u helikopter koji nas je konačno izvukao iz džungle,

everything happened as quickly as when they kidnapped me.

sve se dogodilo tako brzo kao kada su me oteli.

In an instant,

U sekundi sam videla pod svojim nogama

I saw the guerrilla commander at my feet,

komandanta gerile

gagged,

sa povezom preko usta

and the rescue leader,

i vođu ekipe za spasavanje

yelling:

koji je vikao:

"We're the Colombian army!

„Mi smo vojska Kolumbije!

You are free!"

Slobodni ste!“

The shriek

Krik

that came out of all of us

koji nam se oteo

when we regained our freedom,

kada smo povratili našu slobodu

continues to vibrate in me to this day.

još uvek treperi u meni čak i u ovom trenutku.

Now,

Sada

I know they can divide all of us,

znam da sve mogu da nas zavade

they can manipulate us all with fear.

da mogu da manipulišu svima nama strahom.

The "No" vote on the peace referendum in Colombia;

„Ne“ na referendumu mira u Kolumbiji,

Brexit;

ili Bregzit,

the idea of a wall between Mexico and the United States;

ili ideja o zidu između Meksika i SAD,

Islamic terrorism --

ili islamski terorizam,

they're all examples of using fear politically

sve su to stvari

koje politika koristi da zaplaši,

to divide and recruit us.

da nas zavadi i da nas regrutuje.

We all feel fear.

Naravno, svi osećamo strah.

But we can all avoid being recruited

Ali svi možemo izbeći regrutaciju,

using the resources we have -- our principles, unity, faith.

koristeći ova sredstva koja posedujemo, naše principe, složnost, veru.

Yes, fear is part of the human condition,

Strah je, naravno, deo naše ljudske prirode

as well as being necessary for survival.

a i neophodan je da bismo preživeli.

But above all,

Ali povrh svega je osnova

it's the guide by which each of us builds

na kojoj svako od nas gradi

our identity, our personality.

svoj identitet, svoju ličnost.

It's true, I was 41 years old the first time I felt fear,

Tačno je,

imala sam 41. godinu kada sam prvi put osetila strah

and feeling fear was not my decision.

i osećanje straha nije bila moja odluka,

But it was my decision what to do with that fear.

ali bila je moja odluka šta ću da uradim sa tim strahom.

You can survive

Neko može da preživi puzeći

crawling along, fearful.

u strahu.

But you can also

Ali, neko takođe može

rise above the fear,

da se uzdigne iznad straha,

rise up, spread your wings,

da se uspravi šireći krila

and soar, fly high, high, high, high, until you reach the stars,

i uzleti visoko, visoko,

do zvezda,

where all of us want to go.

tamo gde svako od nas želi da stigne.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)