Ingrid Betancourt: What six years in captivity taught me about fear and faith (w/ subtitles) | TED

Translator: Camille Martínez

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

The first time

我第一次

I felt fear

感到恐懼

I was 41 years old.

是 41 歲的時候。

People have always said I was brave.

人們總是說我很勇敢。

When I was little, I'd climb the highest tree,

我小時候會去爬最高的樹，

and I'd approach any animal fearlessly.

我不害怕靠近任何動物。

I liked challenges.

我喜歡挑戰。

My father used to say,

我父親曾說：

"Good steel can withstand any temperature."

「好的鋼鐵能承受任何溫度。」

And when I entered into Colombian politics,

我踏進哥倫比亞政壇，

I thought I'd be able to withstand any temperature.

以為可以承受任何溫度。

I wanted to end corruption;

我想要終止腐化；

I wanted to cut ties between politicians and drug traffickers.

想切斷政客與毒品販子間的關係。

The first time I was elected,

我第一次當選，

it was because I called out, by name,

是因為我大聲點名

corrupt and untouchable politicians.

那些腐敗且碰不得的政客。

I also called out the president

我還點名總統，

for his ties to the cartels.

因為他涉入聯合壟斷。

That's when the threats started.

威脅就從那時開始了。

I had to send my very young children out of the country one morning,

一天早上，

我不得不把還很年幼的孩子送出國，

hidden, all the way to the airport, in the French ambassador's armored car.

他們躲藏在法國大使的武裝車裡

一路駛到機場。

Days later,

幾天後，

I was the victim of an attack, but emerged unharmed.

我遭受一次攻擊，但沒受傷。

The following year,

隔年，

the Colombian people elected me with the highest number of votes.

哥倫比亞人民以最高票數讓我當選。

I thought people applauded me because I was brave.

我以為人民贊同我是因為我很勇敢。

I, too, thought I was brave.

我也以為我很勇敢。

But I wasn't.

但其實不然。

I had simply never before experienced

我只是從不曾體驗過

true fear.

真正的恐懼。

That changed

在 2002 年 2 月 23日，

on February 23, 2002.

這狀況改變了。

At the time, I was a presidential candidate in Colombia

當時我是哥倫比亞的總統候選人，

promoting my campaign agenda,

在宣傳我的競選議程時，

when I was detained by a group of armed men.

我被一群武裝的人扣押。

They were wearing uniforms with military garments.

他們穿著軍隊制服，

I looked at their boots; they were rubber.

但我看見他們穿的是橡膠靴子，

And I knew

而我知道哥倫比亞軍隊穿的是皮靴。

that the Colombian army wore leather boots.

I knew that these were FARC guerrillas.

我知道這些人是 FARC （哥倫比亞革命武裝力量）游擊隊。

From that point on, everything happened very quickly.

從那時刻起，一切發生的飛快。

The commando leader ordered us to stop the vehicle.

突擊隊領導人命令我們停車。

Meanwhile, one of his men stepped on an antipersonnel mine

其間，他的一個手下 踩到具殺傷性的地雷，

and flew through the air.

被炸飛到空中。

He landed, sitting upright,

他落下來，直直坐著，

right in front of me.

就在我面前。

We made eye contact

我們眼神接觸，

and it was then that the young man understood:

那時，那個年輕人了解到：

his rubber boot with his leg still in it

他的橡膠靴子落在遠處，

had landed far away.

而他的腳還在靴中。

(Sighs)

（嘆氣）

He started

他開始

screaming like crazy.

瘋狂大叫。

And the truth is,

而事實是，

I felt -- as I feel right now, because I'm reliving these emotions --

我覺得……應該說我現在覺得， 因為我正再次體驗那些情緒，

I felt at that moment that something inside of me was breaking

我覺得在那一刻 內在有某樣東西被摧毀了，

and that I was being infected with his fear.

我被他的恐懼感染，

My mind went blank and couldn't think;

腦中一片空白，無法思考，

it was paralyzed.

彷彿大腦癱瘓了。

When I finally reacted,

當我終於反應過來，

I said to myself,

對自己說：

"They're going to kill me,

「他們會殺了我，

and I didn't say goodbye to my children."

而我還沒跟我的孩子道別。」

As they took me into the deepest depths of the jungle,

他們把我帶到叢林的最深處，

the FARC soldiers announced

那些 FARC 士兵宣佈，

that if the government didn't negotiate,

如果政府不談判，

they'd kill me.

他們就會殺了我。

And I knew

而我知道

that the government wouldn't negotiate.

政府不會談判。

From that point on,

從那之後，

I went to sleep in fear every night --

我每晚都帶著恐懼入睡……

cold sweats,

冒著冷汗，

shaking,

發抖，

stomach ache,

胃痛，

insomnia.

失眠。

But worse than that was what was happening to my mind,

但比這些更糟的是大腦的遭遇，

because my memory was being erased: all the phone numbers,

因為我的記憶被抹除：

所有的電話號碼、

addresses,

地址、

names of very dear people,

親愛的人的名字、

even significant life events.

甚至重要的人生大事。

And so,

所以，

I began to doubt myself, to doubt my mental health.

我開始懷疑我自己， 懷疑我的心理健康。

And with doubt came desperation,

在懷疑之後接著是絕望，

and with desperation came depression.

而絕望帶來了沮喪。

I was suffering notorious behavioral changes

我遭遇惡名昭彰的行為改變，

and it wasn't just paranoia in moments of panic.

不僅是慌張時刻的偏執妄想，

It was distrust,

而且是不信任，

it was hatred,

是恨意，

and it was also the urge to kill.

是想要殺人的衝動。

This, I realized

我是在他們把我的脖子

when they had me chained by the neck to a tree.

用鍊子拴在一棵樹上時

了解到這一點的。

They kept me outside that day,

那天他們把我留在外面，

during a tropical downpour.

當時落下熱帶的傾盆大雨。

I remember feeling an urgent need to use the bathroom.

我還記得急著想要上廁所。

"Whatever you have to do,

「不論你得要做什麼，

you'll do in front of me,

你得在我面前做，

bitch,"

賤女人。」

the guard screamed at me.

守衛這樣對我吼叫。

And I

在那個時刻

decided at that moment

我決定

to kill him.

要殺了他。

And for days,

許多天我都在策畫，

I was planning, trying to find the right moment, the right way to do it,

試圖找對的時機、對的方式來下手，

filled with hatred,

我充滿了憤怒，

filled with fear.

充滿了恐懼。

Then suddenly,

接著，突然間，

I rose up,

我站起來，打斷這個念頭，

snapped out of it

and thought:

並心想：

"I'm not going to become one of them.

「我不要變成跟他們一樣。

I'm not going to become an assassin.

我不要變成殺人者。

I still have enough freedom

我還有足夠的自由

to decide

可以決定

who I want to be."

要做什麼樣的人。」

That's when I learned that fear

那時我學到

brought me face to face with myself.

恐懼讓我面對自己。

It forced me

它迫使我

to align my energies,

調整我的能量，

to align my meridians.

調整我的經絡。

I learned that facing fear

我學到

could become a pathway to growth.

面對恐懼可以變成通往成長的道路。

A lot of emotions arise when I talk about all of this,

我談這些的時候很多情緒再度浮現，

but when I think back,

但當我回想時，

I'm able to identify

我能夠辨識出

the steps I took to do it.

我走過的每一步。

I want to share three of them with you.

我想與各位分享其中的三步。

The first

第一

was to be guided by principles.

就是讓原則來引導。

Because I realized

因為我了解到

that in the midst of panic and mental block,

在慌張與思維阻隔的當下，

if I followed my principles,

如果我遵從我的原則，

I acted correctly.

我的行為就會正確。

I remember the first night

我記得第一晚。

in a concentration camp that the guerrillas had built

游擊隊在叢林裡建造的集中營

in the middle of the jungle,

with 12-foot-high bars,

有 12 呎高的圍欄，

barbed wire,

上有刺鐵絲網，

lookouts in the four corners

四個角落都有監視哨，

and armed men pointing guns at us 24 hours a day.

一天 24 小時有武裝的人 用槍指著我們。

That morning, the first morning,

那個早晨，第一個早晨，

some men arrived, yelling:

來了一些人，他們吼著：

"Count off! Count off!"

「報數！報數！」

My fellow hostages woke up, startled,

與我一起的人質們驚醒過來，

and began to identify themselves in numbered sequence.

開始依數字序列報出自己的號碼。

But when it was my turn,

但輪到我時，

I said,

我說：

"Ingrid Betancourt.

「英格麗德貝當古。

If you want to know if I'm here, call me by my name."

想要知道我是否在這裡， 叫我的名字。」

The guards' fury

守衛的狂怒

was nothing compared to that of the other hostages,

比起其他人質的狂怒，不算什麼，

because, obviously they were scared --

因為很顯然，人質很害怕，

we were all scared --

我們都很害怕，

and they were afraid that, because of me, they would be punished.

他們怕會因為我而被懲罰。

But for me,

但對我來說，

beyond fear was the need to defend my identity,

維護我自己身份的必要性

超越了恐懼，

to not let them turn me into a thing or a number.

不能讓他們把我變成

一樣東西或一個號碼。

That was one of the principles:

那就是原則之一。

to defend

要維護

what I considered to be human dignity.

我所認為的人類尊嚴。

But make no mistake:

但不要誤解了：

the guerrillas had it all

那些游擊隊早就

very well analyzed --

非常清楚地分析過這些了。

they had been kidnapping for years,

他們已經綁架很多年，

and they had developed a technique

他們發展出了一項技巧，

to break us,

用來擊垮我們、

to defeat us, to divide us.

打敗我們、分化我們。

And so,

所以，

the second step

第二步

was to learn how to build supportive trust,

是學習如何建立起支持性的信任，

to learn how to unite.

學習如何團結。

The jungle is like a different planet.

叢林就像是個不同的星球。

It's a world

它是一個黑影，

of shadows, of rain,

一個降雨的世界，

with the hum of millions of bugs --

有著上百萬隻蟲的嗡嗡聲、

majiña ants, bullet ants.

majiña 蟻、子彈蟻，

I didn't stop scratching a single day while I was in the jungle.

我在叢林中的每一天都不停地抓癢。

And of course, there were tarantulas, scorpions, anacondas ...

當然，還有毒蜘蛛、蝎子、蟒蛇……

I once came face to face with a 24-foot long anaconda

我曾有一次和一隻 24 呎長的蟒蛇面對面，

that could have swallowed me in one bite.

牠一口就可以把我吃下去。

Jaguars ...

還有黑豹。

But I want to tell you

但我想要告訴你們，

that none of these animals did us as much harm

這些動物對我們做出的傷害，

as the human beings.

遠不及人類做出的傷害大。

The guerrillas terrorized us.

游擊隊恐嚇我們。

They spread rumors.

他們散佈謠言。

Among the hostages, they sparked betrayals,

他們在人質當中煽動背叛、

jealousy,

嫉妒、

resentment,

怨恨、

mistrust.

不信任。

The first time I escaped for a long time was with Lucho.

我第一次逃離很長的一段時間，

是和 Lucho 在一起時。

Lucho had been a hostage for two years longer than I had.

Lucho 比我早兩年成為人質。

We decided to tie ourselves up

我們決定把自己

with ropes

用繩子綁起來，

to have the strength to lower ourselves into that dark water

這樣才能夠沉入黑暗的水中，

full of piranhas and alligators.

水中滿是水虎魚和鱷魚。

What we did was, during the day, we would hide in the mangroves.

我們的做法是，白天躲在紅樹林中。

And at night,

晚上離開樹林，游入水中，

we would leave, get in the water,

and we would swim and let the current carry us.

讓水帶著我們流走。

That went on for several days.

持續了好幾天。

But Lucho

但 Lucho

became sick.

開始生病，

He was diabetic,

他有糖尿病，

and he fell into a diabetic coma.

陷入了糖尿病昏迷。

So the guerrillas captured us.

游擊隊抓到了我們。

But after having lived through that with Lucho,

但經歷過和 Lucho 一起

after having faced fear together, united,

團結起來共同面對恐懼之後，

not punishment, not violence -- nothing --

任何懲罰、暴力，沒有什麼

could ever again divide us.

能再分化我們。

What's certain is,

能確定的是，

all the guerrillas' manipulation was so damaging to us

游擊隊的操弄大大地傷害了我們，

that even today,

即使到現今，

among some of the hostages

在當年的

from back then,

一些人質當中

tensions linger,

還殘留著緊繃的張力，

passed down from all that poison

是游擊隊造成的傷害

that the guerrillas created.

所留下的遺毒。

The third step

第三步

is very important to me,

對我而言非常重要，

and it's a gift that I want to give to you.

它是我想要給予你們的禮物。

The third step is to learn how to develop faith.

第三步是學習如何發展出信仰。

I want to explain it like this:

我想要這樣解釋它：

Jhon Frank Pinchao

Jhon Frank Pinchao

was a police officer

是一名警員，

who had been a hostage for more than eight years.

他被綁架為人質超過八年之久。

He was famous for being the biggest scaredy-cat of us all.

他在我們當中，以最膽小出名。

But Pincho -- I called him "Pincho" --

但 Pincho， 我稱他為「Pincho」，

Pincho decided that he wanted to escape.

Pincho 決定要逃脫，

And he asked me to help him.

請我協助他。

By that point, I basically had a master's degree in escape attempts.

在那時，我基本上已有 試圖逃脫的碩士學位了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So

所以我們開始進行，

we got started but we had a delay,

但進度落後，

because first, Pincho had to learn how to swim.

因為首先 Pincho 得要學游泳。

And we had to carry out all these preparations in total secrecy.

我們得在完全保密前題下

進行所有的準備工作。

Anyway, when we finally had everything ready,

總之，當終於一切準備就緒，

Pincho came up to me one afternoon and said,

一天下午 Pincho 來找我，說：

"Ingrid, suppose I'm in the jungle,

「英格麗德，假設我在叢林中，

and I go around and around in circles, and I can't find the way out.

一直不斷地繞圈子，找不到出路，

What do I do?"

我該怎麼辦？」

"Pincho,

「Pincho，

you grab a phone,

你拿起一支電話，

and you call the man upstairs."

打給上面的那個人。」

"Ingrid, you know I don't believe in God."

「英格麗德，你知道我不信神的。」

"God doesn't care. He'll still help you."

「神不在乎這個， 祂仍然會幫助你的。」

(Applause)

（掌聲）

It rained all night that night.

那晚整晚都下著雨。

The following morning,

隔天早上，

the camp woke up to a big commotion,

一陣騷動讓整個營的人都醒來，

because Pincho had fled.

因為 Pincho 逃走了。

They made us dismantle the camp, and we started marching.

他們命令我們拆了營地，開始行軍。

During the march,

行軍過程中，

the head guerrillas told us that Pincho had died,

游擊隊的領頭告訴我們 Pincho 死了，

and that they had found his remains

他們找到他的遺體，

eaten by an anaconda.

被一隻蟒蛇吃了。

Seventeen days passed --

17 天過去了。

and believe me, I counted them, because they were torture for me.

相信我，我一直在數日子，

因為那是錐心刺骨的折磨。

But on the seventeenth day,

但在第 17 天，

the news exploded from the radio:

收音機傳來新聞：

Pincho was free and obviously alive.

Pincho 自由了，顯然還活著。

And this was the first thing he said:

他說的第一句話是：

"I know my fellow hostages are listening.

「我知道我的人質伙伴們聽得到。

Ingrid,

英格麗德，

I did what you told me.

我照你說的做了。

I called the man upstairs,

我打電話給了上面那個人，

and he sent me the patrol that rescued me from the jungle."

祂派來了一支巡邏隊， 把我從叢林救出來。」

That was an extraordinary moment,

那是個非凡的時刻，

because ...

因為很顯然，

obviously fear is contagious.

恐懼會傳染，

But faith is, too.

信仰也會。

Faith isn't rational or emotional.

信仰不是理性或情緒性的。

Faith

信仰

is an exercise of the will.

是意志的練習。

It's the discipline of the will.

它是意志的紀律。

It's what allows us to transform everything that we are --

它讓我們能夠轉化一切，

our weaknesses, our frailties,

把我們的弱點、我們的脆弱，

into strength, into power.

轉化成優點、轉化成力量。

It's truly a transformation.

它是真真實實的轉化，

It's what gives us the strength

給了我們力量，

to stand up

讓我們能夠站起來，

in the face of fear

面對恐懼，

look above it,

超脫恐懼之上

and see beyond it.

和恐懼之外。

I hope you remember that,

我希望你們能記得這點，

because I know we all need

因為我知道，我們都需要

to connect with that strength we have inside of us

在船隻遇到暴風雨時，

for the times when there's a storm raging around our boat.

與我們內在的那股力量連結。

Many, many, many, many years passed

許多、許多、許多年過去了，

before I could return to my house.

我才返回到我的家。

But when they took us, handcuffed, into the helicopter

他們把我們的手銬起來， 帶上直升機，

that finally took us out of the jungle,

終於把我們帶離叢林，

everything happened as quickly as when they kidnapped me.

一切發生得很快， 跟他們綁架我時一樣快。

In an instant,

隨即，

I saw the guerrilla commander at my feet,

我看到游擊隊指揮官在我腳下，

gagged,

窒息了，

and the rescue leader,

而救援的領隊

yelling:

大喊：

"We're the Colombian army!

「我們是哥倫比亞軍隊！

You are free!"

你們自由了！」

The shriek

那尖叫聲，

that came out of all of us

我們所有人

when we regained our freedom,

重獲自由時的尖叫聲，

continues to vibrate in me to this day.

至今仍然持續撼動著我。

Now,

現在，

I know they can divide all of us,

我知道他們能分化我們，

they can manipulate us all with fear.

他們能用恐懼來操弄我們。

The "No" vote on the peace referendum in Colombia;

哥倫比亞和平公投「不」的選票、

Brexit;

英國脫歐、

the idea of a wall between Mexico and the United States;

墨西哥和美國間築牆的想法，

Islamic terrorism --

或是伊斯蘭恐怖主義……

they're all examples of using fear politically

這些都是在政治上

to divide and recruit us.

用恐懼來分化和吸收我們的例子。

We all feel fear.

我們都會感到恐懼，

But we can all avoid being recruited

但我們可以避免被吸收，

using the resources we have -- our principles, unity, faith.

用我們擁有的資源來抗拒：

原則、團結，和信仰。

Yes, fear is part of the human condition,

是的，恐懼是人類狀態的一部份，

as well as being necessary for survival.

對於存活而言也是必要的。

But above all,

但最重要的是，

it's the guide by which each of us builds

它指引我們循著它建立我們的身份、

our identity, our personality.

我們的人格。

It's true, I was 41 years old the first time I felt fear,

真的，

我 41 歲時第一次感到恐懼。

and feeling fear was not my decision.

恐懼不恐懼非由我決定，

But it was my decision what to do with that fear.

但我能決定要如何處理恐懼。

You can survive

你可以偷生，

crawling along, fearful.

單獨爬行，感到恐懼。

But you can also

但你也可以

rise above the fear,

爬升到恐懼之上，

rise up, spread your wings,

升起來，展開你的翅膀，

and soar, fly high, high, high, high, until you reach the stars,

翱翔，飛得更高、更高、更高，

直到你能觸摸到星星，

where all of us want to go.

那是我們所有人都想去的地方。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）