Can we choose to fall out of love? | Dessa

Prevodilac: Milenka Okuka Lektor: Ivana Krivokuća

Hello, my name is Dessa,

Zdravo, zovem se Desa

and I'm a member of a hip-hop collective called Doomtree.

i članica sam hip-hop kolektiva pod nazivom Doomtree.

I'm the one in the tank top.

Ja sam ona u majici na bretele.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And I make my living as a performing, touring rapper and singer.

Zarađujem za život kao izvođač, reperka i pevačica.

When we perform as a collective, this is what our shows look like.

Kada nastupamo kao kolektiv, ovako naši nastupi izgledaju.

I'm the one in the boots.

Ja sam ona u čizmama.

There's a lot of jumping. There's a lot of sweating.

Bude tu dosta skakanja, dosta znojenja.

It's loud. It's very high-energy.

Glasno je. Izuzetno energično.

Sometimes there are unintentional body checks onstage.

Ponekad bude nenamernih telesnih kontakata na sceni.

Sometimes there are completely intentional body checks onstage.

Ponekad bude skroz namernih telesnih kontakata na sceni.

It's kind of a hybrid between an intramural hockey game and a concert.

Radi se o hibridu između lokalnih mečeva u hokeju i koncerata.

However, when I perform my own music as a solo artist,

Međutim, kada izvodim sopstvenu muziku kao solista,

I tend to gravitate towards more melancholy sounds.

nekako više naginjem melanholičnijim zvucima.

A few years ago, I gave my mom the rough mixes of a new album,

Pre nekoliko godina, dala sam majci neobrađene mikseve novog albuma,

and she said, "Baby, it's beautiful, but why is it always so sad?"

a ona je rekla: „Dušo, prelepo je, ali zašto je uvek tako tužno?”

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"You always make music to bleed out to."

„Uvek praviš muziku na koju se seku vene.”

And I thought, "Who are you hanging out with that you know that phrase?"

I pomislila sam: „S kim se družiš pa znaš za taj izraz?”

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

But over the course of my career, I've written so many sad love songs

Međutim, tokom karijere, napisala sam toliko tužnih ljubavnih pesama

that I got messages like this from fans:

da sam dobijala sledeće poruke od fanova:

"Release new music or a book. I need help with my breakup."

„Objavi novu muziku ili knjigu. Treba mi pomoć zbog raskida.”

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And after performing and recording and touring those songs for a long time,

I izvodeći, snimajući i putujući sa tim pesmama dugo vremena,

I found myself in a position

zatekla sam se u situaciji

in which my professional niche was essentially romantic devastation.

u kojoj je moja profesionalna niša u suštini bio ljubavni očaj.

What I hadn't been public about, however,

Međutim, nisam javno govorila

was the fact that most of these songs had been written about the same guy.

o činjenici da je većina ovih pesama napisana o istom momku.

And for two years, we tried to sort ourselves out,

Dve godine smo pokušavali da izgladimo stvari,

and then for five

a onda pet,

and on and off for 10.

a onda još deset uz prekide.

And I was not only heartbroken,

I ne samo da mi je srce bilo slomljeno,

but I was kind of embarrassed that I couldn't rebound

već me je nekako bilo sramota što ne mogu da se oporavim

from what other people seemed to recover from so regularly.

od nečega od čega se čini da se ljudi redovno oporavljaju.

And even though I knew it wasn't doing either of us any good,

I iako sam znala da to nije dobro ni za jedno od nas,

I just couldn't figure out how to put the love down.

prosto nisam mogla da otkrijem kako da ugasim ljubav.

Then, drinking white wine one night,

A onda, ispijajući belo vino jedne noći,

I saw a TED Talk by a woman named Dr. Helen Fisher,

odgledala sam TED govor žene po imenu dr Helen Fišer,

and she said that in her work, she'd been able to map the coordinates of love

a ona je rekla kako je u njenom radu uspela da ocrta koordinate ljubavi

in the human brain.

u ljudskom mozgu.

And I thought, well, if I could find my love in my brain,

Pa sam pomislila, dakle, ako bih pronašla ljubav u mom mozgu,

maybe I could get it out.

možda bih uspela da je iščupam.

So I went to Twitter.

Pa sam se obratila Tviteru.

"Anybody got access to an fMRI lab,

„Da li neko ima pristup magnetnoj rezonanci,

like at midnight or something?

npr. usred noći ili slično?

I'll trade for backstage passes and whiskey."

Trampićemo se za prolaz iza scene i viski.”

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And that's Dr. Cheryl Olman,

A ovo je dr Šeril Olman,

who works at the University of Minnesota's Center for Magnetic Resonance Research.

ona radi na Univerzitetu Minesota

u Centru za istraživanja magnetnom rezonancom.

She took me up on it.

Prihvatila je moj zahtev.

I explained Dr. Fisher's protocol,

Objasnila sam dr Fišerin protokol

and we decided to recreate it with a sample size of one, me.

i odlučile smo da ga ponovimo na uzorku od jedne osobe: mene.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So I got decked out in a pair of forest green scrubs,

Navukli su mi bolničku uniformu šumskozelene boje,

and I was laid on a gurney

položili me na nosiljku

and wheeled into an fMRI machine.

i odgurali u magnetnu rezonancu.

If you're unfamiliar with that technology,

Ako niste upoznati sa tehnologijom,

essentially, an fMRI machine is a big, tubular magnet

u suštini, magnetna rezonanca je veliki magnet u obliku tube

that tracks the progress of deoxygenated iron in your blood.

koji prati kretanje deoksidizovanog železa u vašoj krvi.

So it's essentially figuring out what parts of your brain

Dakle, u suštini otkriva koji delovi vašeg mozga

are making the biggest metabolic demand at any given moment.

su metabolički najzahtevniji u bilo kom trenutku.

And in that way, it can figure out

I na taj način može da otkrije

which structures are associated with a task,

koje strukture su povezane sa određenim zadatkom,

like tapping your finger, for example, will always light up the same region,

na primer, lupkanje prstom će uvek da osvetli istu oblast,

ili u mom slučaju,

or in my case,

looking at pictures of your ex-boyfriend

posmatranje slika bivšeg momka,

and then looking at pictures of a dude who just sort of resembled my ex-boyfriend

a onda posmatranje slika nekog lika koji nekako liči na mog bivšeg,

but for whom I had no strong feelings.

ali prema kome nemam snažna osećanja.

He was the control.

On je bio kontrolni subjekt.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And when I left the machine,

A kad sam napustila mašinu,

we had these really high-resolution images of my brain.

imali smo slike mog mozga u izuzetno visokoj rezoluciji.

We could cleave the two halves apart.

Mogli smo da rascepimo dve polovine.

We could inflate the cortex to see inside all of the wrinkles, essentially,

Mogli smo da naduvamo korteks i u suštini pogledamo sve nabore u unutrašnjosti,

in a view that Dr. Cheryl Olman called the "brain skin rug."

u prizoru koji je dr Šeril Olman nazvala „krzneni tepih”.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And we could see how my brain had behaved when I looked at images of both men.

Mogli smo da vidimo kako se ponaša moj mozak kad gledam slike oba muškarca.

And this was important.

A ovo je bilo važno.

We could track all of the activity

Mogli smo da pratimo sve aktivnosti

when I looked at the control and when I looked at my ex,

kada sam posmatrala kontrolnog subjekta i kada sam posmatrala bivšeg,

and it was in comparing these data sets that we'd be able to find the love alone,

a upoređujući ove skupove podataka, mogli smo da otkrijemo samu ljubav,

in the same way that, if I were to step on a scale fully dressed

na isti način kao što bi, ako bih stala na vagu obučena,

and then step on it again naked,

a onda ponovo stala na nju gola,

the difference between those numbers would be the weight of my clothing.

razlika između tih brojki bi bila težina moje odeće.

So when we did that data comparison, we subtracted one from the other,

Pa kad smo uporedili podatke i oduzeli jedne od drugih,

we found activity in exactly the regions that Dr. Fisher would have predicted.

otkrili smo aktivnost baš u onim oblastima koje je dr Fišer predskazala.

That's me.

To sam ja.

And that's my brain in love.

A to je moj mozak kad je zaljubljen.

There was activity in that little orange dot, the ventral tegmental area,

Aktivnost se nalazila u toj malenoj narandžastoj tački,

ventralno-tegmentalnom području,

that kind of loop of red is the anterior cingulate

ta nekakva crvena petlja je anteriorni cingularni korteks,

and that golden set of horns is the caudates.

a taj zlatni par rogova je kaudat.

After she had had time to analyze the data with her team

Nakon što je analizirala podatke sa svojom ekipom

i partnerima, Andreom i Filom,

and a couple of partners, Andrea and Phil,

Cheryl sent me an image, a single slide.

Šeril mi je poslala sliku, samo jedan slajd.

It was my brain in cross section,

Radilo se o poprečnom preseku mog mozga,

with one bright dot of activity

sa svetlom aktivnom tačkom

that represented my feelings for this dude.

koja je predstavljala moja osećanja prema tom momku.

And I'd known I was in love,

Ja sam znala da sam zaljubljena,

and that's the whole reason I was going to these outrageous lengths.

to je čitav razlog zašto sam se zaputila ovoliko nečuveno daleko.

But having an image that proved it felt like such a vindication,

Ali to što sam imala sliku kao dokaz se činilo kao potvrda,

like, "Yeah, it's all in my head, but now I know exactly where."

kao: „Da, sve je u mojoj glavi, ali sad znam i tačno gde.”

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And I also felt like an assassin who had her mark.

I osećala sam se kao ubica koji je naciljao svoju metu.

That was what I had to annihilate.

To sam morala da uništim.

So I decided to embark on a course of treatment

Pa sam odlučila da se podvrgnem tretmanu

called "neurofeedback."

koji se naziva „neuroterapija”.

I worked with a woman named Penijean Gracefire,

Radila sam sa ženom po imenu Penidžin Grejsfajer

and she explained that what we'd be doing was training my brain.

i ona mi je objasnila da treniramo moj mozak.

We're not lobotomizing anything.

Ne radimo nikakvu lobotomiju.

We're training it in the way that we would train a muscle,

Treniramo ga na isti način kao što bismo trenirali mišić

so that it would be flexible enough and resilient enough

kako bi postao dovoljno fleksibilan i dovoljno otporan

to respond appropriately to my circumstances.

da odgovori na pravi način na moje okolnosti.

Dakle, kada smo na pokretnoj traci,

So when we're on the treadmill, we would anticipate

očekujemo da će srce da nam lupa i udara,

that our heart would beat and pound,

and when we're asleep, we would ask that that muscle slow.

a kada spavamo, zahtevamo da taj mišić uspori.

Similarly, when I'm in a long-term, viable, loving romantic relationship,

Slično, kada sam u dugoj, održivoj, privrženoj ljubavnoj vezi,

the emotional centers of my brain should engage,

centri za osećanja u mom mozgu bi trebalo da budu angažovani,

and when I'm not in a long-term, viable, emotional, loving relationship,

a kada nisam u dugoj, održivoj, privrženoj ljubavnoj vezi,

they should eventually chill out.

trebalo bi vremenom da se ugase.

So she came over with a set of electrodes just smaller than a dime

Pa je navratila sa kompletom elektroda nešto manjih od novčića,

that were sensitive enough to detect my brainwaves

dovoljno osetljivih da detektuju moždane talase

through my bone and hair and scalp.

kroz moje kosti, kosu i lobanju.

And when she rigged me up, I could see my brain working in real time.

A kada me je priključila, videla sam kako moj mozak radi u realnom vremenu.

And in another view that she showed me,

A na drugom snimku koji mi je pokazala,

I could see exactly which parts of my brain were hyperactive,

mogla sam da vidim tačno koji delovi mog mozga su hiperaktivni,

here displayed in red;

ovde u crvenoj boji;

hypoactive, here displayed in blue;

hipoaktivni su prikazani u plavoj boji;

and the healthy threshold of behavior,

a zdravi prag ponašanja,

the green zone, the Goldilocks zone,

zelena zona je zona Zlatokose,

which is where I wanted to go.

gde sam želela da stignem.

And we can, in fact, isolate just those parts of my brain

I, zapravo, možemo da izolujemo samo one delove mozga

that were associated with the romantic regulation

koji su povezani sa regulacijom zaljubljenosti,

that we'd identified in the Fisher study.

koje smo identifikovali u Fišerinoj studiji.

So Penijean, several times,

Penidžin me je nekoliko puta

hooked me up with all her electrodes,

zakačila na elektrode

and she explained that I didn't have to do or think anything.

i objasnila mi je da ne moram da radim niti mislim o bilo čemu.

I just essentially had to hold pretty still

U suštini je trebalo da budem mirna,

and stay awake

ostanem budna

and watch.

i posmatram.

(Harp and vibraphone sounds play)

(Zvuk harfe i vibrafona)

So I did.

Tako sam i postupila.

And every time my brain operated in that healthy threshold,

A svaki put kad bi moj mozak radio u zdravim granicama,

I got a little run of harp or vibraphone music.

čula bih na kratko zvuk harfe ili vibrafona.

And I just watched my brain rotate at roughly the speed of a gyro machine

A ja sam prosto posmatrala svoj mozak kako se rotira otprilike brzinom žiroskopa

on my dad's flat-screen TV.

na ravnom TV ekranu mog oca.

And that was counterintuitive.

A to nije bilo logično.

She said the learning would be essentially unconscious.

Rekla je kako će učenje u suštini da bude nesvesno.

But then I thought about the other things I had learned

Međutim, onda sam mislila na druge stvari koje sam naučila

without actively engaging my conscious mind.

bez aktivnog učešća mog svesnog uma.

When you ride a bike,

Kada vozite bicikl,

I don't really know what, like, my left calf muscle is doing,

ne znam šta, na primer, mišić mog levog lista radi

or how my latissimus dorsi knows to engage when I wobble to the right.

ili kako moj leđni mišić zna kako da reaguje kada se nagnem desno.

The body just learns.

Telo prosto nauči.

And similarly, Pavlov's dogs probably don't know a lot about, like,

I slično, Pavlovljevi psi verovatno ne znaju mnogo, na primer,

protein structures or the waveform of a ringing bell,

o strukturi proteina ili obliku talasa zvuka zvona,

but they salivate nonetheless because the body paired the stimuli.

ali ipak luče pljuvačku jer je telo spojilo stimulanse.

Finished the sessions,

Završila sam seanse,

went back to Dr. Cheryl Olman's fMRI machine,

otišla do magnetne rezonance doktorice Šeril Olman,

and we repeated the protocol,

pa smo ponovili protokol,

the same images --

iste slike -

of the ex, of the control and, in the interest of scientific rigor,

bivšeg, kontrolnog i, zarad naučne verodostojnosti,

Cheryl and her team didn't know who was who,

Šeril i njena ekipa nisu znali koja je čija slika,

so that they couldn't influence the results.

kako ne bi mogli da utiču na rezultate.

And after she had time to analyze that second set of data,

I kada je našla vremena da izanalizira drugi skup podataka,

she sent me that image.

poslala mi je tu sliku.

She said,

Rekla je:

"Dude A's dominance of your brain

„Dominacija momka A u tvom mozgu

seems to essentially have been eradicated.

je u suštini iskorenjena.

I think this is the desired result," comma, yes, question mark.

Verujem da je ovo željeni rezultat”, zarez, da, upitnik.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And that was the exactly the desired result.

A to je upravo bio željeni rezultat.

And finally, I allowed myself a moment to introspect,

Naposletku, dozvolila sam sebi trenutak introspekcije,

like, how did I feel?

na primer, kako sam se osećala.

And in one way, it felt like

A na neki način, osećala sam

it was the same inventory of feelings that I'd had at the outset.

kao da imam isti dijapazon osećanja koja sam imala na početku.

This isn't "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

Ne radi se o „Večnom sjaju besprekornog uma”.

The dude wasn't a stranger.

Momak nije sad bio stranac.

But I'd had love and jealousy and amity and attraction and respect

Međutim, gajila sam ljubav, ljubomoru, naklonost, privlačnost, poštovanje

and all those complicated feelings that you amass after long-term love.

i sva ta složena osećanja koja se nagomilaju nakon duge veze.

But it felt like the benevolent feelings had risen to the surface,

Međutim, činilo se kao da su pozitivna osećanja isplivala na površinu,

and the feelings of fixation and the less-generous feelings

a da osećanja opsednutosti, kao i ona manje zahvalna osećanja

weren't quite so present.

nisu više toliko prisutna.

And that sounds like a small thing in some way,

A to se čini kao sitnica na neki način,

this resequencing of feelings,

ovaj novi poredak osećanja,

but to me it felt like the biggest thing.

ali meni se činilo kao ogromna stvar.

Like, if I told you,

Kao, ako bih vam rekla:

"I'm going to anesthetize you,

„Daću vam anesteziju,

and I'm also going to take out your wisdom teeth,"

ali ću vam takođe izvaditi umnjake."

it would really matter to you the sequence in which I did those two things.

Zaista bi vam bio važan redosled po kom ću da obavim te dve stvari.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And I also felt like

Takođe sam osećala

I'd had this really unusual philosophical privilege

da sam imala krajnje neuobičajenu filozofsku privilegiju

to understand love.

da razumem ljubav.

The lab offered to 3D-print my caudate.

Laboratorija je ponudila da mi u 3D odštampaju kaudatu.

I got to hold love in my hand.

Mogla sam u ruci da držim ljubav.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And then I bronzed it,

Pa sam je izlila u bronzi,

and I made it into a necklace and sold it at the merch table at my shows.

napravila ogrlicu od nje i prodavala je na štandovima za suvenire na nastupima.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

And then, with the help of a couple of friends back in Minneapolis,

Onda, uz pomoć par prijatelja iz Mineapolisa,

one of them Becky,

jedna od njih je Beki,

we made an enormous disco ball of it --

napravili smo od toga ogromnu disko kuglu -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

that could descend from the ceiling at my big shows.

koja se spuštala sa plafona na mojim većim nastupima.

And I felt like I'd had the opportunity to better understand love,

Osećala sam da mi je pružena prilika da bolje razumem ljubav,

even the compulsive parts.

čak i njene kompulzivne delove.

It isn't a neat, symmetrical Valentine's heart.

Ljubav nije uredno, simetrično Valentinovo srce.

It's bodily, it's systemic,

Telesna je, sistemska,

it is a hideous pair of ram's horns buried somewhere deep within your skull,

ona je odvratni par ovnovih rogova zakopanih negde duboko u vašoj lobanji.

and when that special boy walks by,

A kada pravi dečko prođe pored vas,

it lights up,

zasvetli.

and if he likes you back and you make each other happy,

Ako se i vi sviđate njemu i usrećujete jedno drugo,

then you fan the flames.

onda rasplamsate vatru.

And if he doesn't,

U suprotnom,

then you assemble a team of neuroscientists

okupite ekipu neuronaučnika

to snuff them out by force.

da je silom iščupaju.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Thanks.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)