Can we choose to fall out of love? | Dessa

翻译人员: psjmz mz 校对人员: Thomas Tam

Hello, my name is Dessa,

大家好，我叫黛莎，

and I'm a member of a hip-hop collective called Doomtree.

是一个名为Doomtree 的嘻哈团体的成员。

I'm the one in the tank top.

我是穿背心的那个。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And I make my living as a performing, touring rapper and singer.

以巡演表演为生—— 是一位独立歌手，也是说唱歌手。

When we perform as a collective, this is what our shows look like.

我们的集体表演就是这样子。

I'm the one in the boots.

我是其中一人着靴子的。

There's a lot of jumping. There's a lot of sweating.

表演中有很多地方要跳跃和出汗；

It's loud. It's very high-energy.

是非常高能量的消耗和喧闹。

Sometimes there are unintentional body checks onstage.

偶尔在舞台上身体会互相阻挡。

Sometimes there are completely intentional body checks onstage.

又有时候会有身体的故意互相碰撞。

It's kind of a hybrid between an intramural hockey game and a concert.

有点像校内音乐会 和曲棍球比赛的混合。

However, when I perform my own music as a solo artist,

然而当我作为一个独唱的艺术家，

I tend to gravitate towards more melancholy sounds.

更倾向于呈现忧郁的声音。

A few years ago, I gave my mom the rough mixes of a new album,

几年前，我给母亲 一张混音的新专辑，

and she said, "Baby, it's beautiful, but why is it always so sad?"

她说，“宝贝，歌很美， 但为什么总是那么忧伤？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"You always make music to bleed out to."

“你总是创作渗出悲凉的音乐。”

And I thought, "Who are you hanging out with that you know that phrase?"

我想，“你是和谁一起 学会用到这个词组？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But over the course of my career, I've written so many sad love songs

在我的职业生涯中， 写了非常多忧伤的爱情歌曲，

that I got messages like this from fans:

以致常常收到这样的信息：

"Release new music or a book. I need help with my breakup."

“尽快出新音乐或书籍， 帮助我渡过分手期。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And after performing and recording and touring those songs for a long time,

在演出，录制音像 和巡演了很长一段时间之后，

I found myself in a position

我发现自己的专业定位

in which my professional niche was essentially romantic devastation.

是达致完全摧毁浪漫的地步。

What I hadn't been public about, however,

然而我并没有公开，

was the fact that most of these songs had been written about the same guy.

这些歌曲大部分都是 和同一个人有关的。

And for two years, we tried to sort ourselves out,

有两年，我们两人试图 梳理我们之间的问题，

and then for five

然后是五年，

and on and off for 10.

并断断续续十年了。

And I was not only heartbroken,

我不只是心碎，

but I was kind of embarrassed that I couldn't rebound

而且还有点难为情，因为我没办法

from what other people seemed to recover from so regularly.

像其他人一样，从这个状态恢复过来。

And even though I knew it wasn't doing either of us any good,

我知道这对我俩都没有好处，

I just couldn't figure out how to put the love down.

我只是不知道如何把那爱放下。

Then, drinking white wine one night,

有一天，在喝了一夜的酒之后，

I saw a TED Talk by a woman named Dr. Helen Fisher,

我看了海伦· 费雪 女博士的TED演讲，

and she said that in her work, she'd been able to map the coordinates of love

她提到她已经能够绘制出人类大脑中

in the human brain.

恋爱的坐标。

And I thought, well, if I could find my love in my brain,

于是我想，如果我可以 在大脑中找到我的恋情所在，

maybe I could get it out.

也许可以把它拿出來。

So I went to Twitter.

所以我上了推特,

“无论是午夜或任何时候，

"Anybody got access to an fMRI lab,

谁有进入功能磁共振实验室的许可？

like at midnight or something?

I'll trade for backstage passes and whiskey."

我会用后台通行证和威士忌交换。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

那是谢丽尔·奥尔曼博士，

And that's Dr. Cheryl Olman,

who works at the University of Minnesota's Center for Magnetic Resonance Research.

她在明尼苏达大学的 磁共振研究中心工作。

She took me up on it.

她接受了我的邀请。

I explained Dr. Fisher's protocol,

我解释了费雪医生的治疗方案，

and we decided to recreate it with a sample size of one, me.

商议后决定用我， 这唯一一个样本做这个试验。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So I got decked out in a pair of forest green scrubs,

我穿了一身森林绿色的衣服，

and I was laid on a gurney

躺在轮床上，

and wheeled into an fMRI machine.

然后被推入功能磁共振仪里。

If you're unfamiliar with that technology,

如果你对那个技术不太熟悉，

essentially, an fMRI machine is a big, tubular magnet

功能磁共振仪基本上 是一个大型的管状磁铁，

that tracks the progress of deoxygenated iron in your blood.

可以跟踪血液中缺氧铁的变化。

So it's essentially figuring out what parts of your brain

它会弄清楚你大脑的哪一部分，

are making the biggest metabolic demand at any given moment.

在给定时刻有最大的新陈代谢需求。

And in that way, it can figure out

由此计算出

大脑哪个部分跟某一身体活动相关联，

which structures are associated with a task,

like tapping your finger, for example, will always light up the same region,

比如重复轻敲你的手指， 总能点亮同一的区域，

或者在我的例子中，

or in my case,

looking at pictures of your ex-boyfriend

望着我前男友的照片一段时间，

and then looking at pictures of a dude who just sort of resembled my ex-boyfriend

然后看一张有点像我前男友的照片，

but for whom I had no strong feelings.

但我对这人没有强烈的感情；

He was the control.

这是对照实验。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And when I left the machine,

当我离开仪器，

we had these really high-resolution images of my brain.

他们得到了我大脑 非常高解析度的图像。

We could cleave the two halves apart.

他们可以将我的大脑成像分成两半，

We could inflate the cortex to see inside all of the wrinkles, essentially,

可以使皮质膨胀，看到所有皱纹，

这就是谢丽尔·奥尔曼博士 所说的“大脑外皮地毯”。

in a view that Dr. Cheryl Olman called the "brain skin rug."

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And we could see how my brain had behaved when I looked at images of both men.

当我分别看这两个男人的照片时， 我的大脑有不同反应。

And this was important.

这点很重要。

We could track all of the activity

这样可以追踪我的所有脑部活动，

when I looked at the control and when I looked at my ex,

包括我看到前男友 及对照男士的情况，

and it was in comparing these data sets that we'd be able to find the love alone,

然后通过对比这两种情况的数据集， 就能够寻找我的所爱是谁；

in the same way that, if I were to step on a scale fully dressed

跟我穿着衣服站在体重秤上，

and then step on it again naked,

然后裸体站在秤上的道理类似，

the difference between those numbers would be the weight of my clothing.

这些数据的差异就是我衣服的重量。

So when we did that data comparison, we subtracted one from the other,

所以当做了那些数据比较之后， 我们找到了有用的结果，

we found activity in exactly the regions that Dr. Fisher would have predicted.

实验发现活跃的领域 正好就在费雪医生预测的地方。

That's me.

那是我。

And that's my brain in love.

那是我恋爱的大脑。

There was activity in that little orange dot, the ventral tegmental area,

那个小橘点是在中脑的活动， 位于腹侧被盖区，

that kind of loop of red is the anterior cingulate

那红色的环是前扣带，

and that golden set of horns is the caudates.

那对金色的角就是尾状核。

After she had had time to analyze the data with her team

她与团队成员，包括安德里亚和菲尔，

花了些时间分析了数据之后，

and a couple of partners, Andrea and Phil,

Cheryl sent me an image, a single slide.

谢丽尔给我发来一张图片。

It was my brain in cross section,

是我大脑的横截面，

with one bright dot of activity

这个亮点代表脑部活动，

that represented my feelings for this dude.

是我对这家伙的感情。

And I'd known I was in love,

我知道我仍陷入爱河，

and that's the whole reason I was going to these outrageous lengths.

这也是我为何花这么多心思的原因。

But having an image that proved it felt like such a vindication,

我感觉这张照片是一种确认，

就像，“一切都在我的脑海里， 现在找到正确的位置了。”

like, "Yeah, it's all in my head, but now I know exactly where."

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And I also felt like an assassin who had her mark.

我也觉得自己像个有了目标的刺客。

That was what I had to annihilate.

那就是我得要去摧毀的。

So I decided to embark on a course of treatment

所以我决定参加一项治疗课程，

called "neurofeedback."

称为“神经反馈”。

I worked with a woman named Penijean Gracefire,

我和佩尼琴·格雷斯菲尔女士合作，

and she explained that what we'd be doing was training my brain.

她解释道只需要做那些 用来训练我大脑的事情，

We're not lobotomizing anything.

无需进行脑叶切开术；

We're training it in the way that we would train a muscle,

用类似训练肌肉的方法 来训练我的大脑，

so that it would be flexible enough and resilient enough

让它有足够的灵活性和弹性，

to respond appropriately to my circumstances.

来应对我的处境，做出适当的反应。

So when we're on the treadmill, we would anticipate

当我们在跑步机上

that our heart would beat and pound,

会预期心脏砰砰跳动，

and when we're asleep, we would ask that that muscle slow.

而当我们睡觉时， 会让心跳慢下来。

Similarly, when I'm in a long-term, viable, loving romantic relationship,

同样，当我处于一段长期、 可维持、充满爱的浪漫关系中，

the emotional centers of my brain should engage,

我大脑的情感中心会参与其中，

and when I'm not in a long-term, viable, emotional, loving relationship,

而当我不处于一段长期、 可维持、激情的恋爱关系中时，

they should eventually chill out.

大脑的情感中心最终会冷静下来。

So she came over with a set of electrodes just smaller than a dime

佩尼琴带来了一套比 一角硬币还小的电极，

that were sensitive enough to detect my brainwaves

敏感度足以穿透头骨， 头发和头皮、

through my bone and hair and scalp.

侦测我的脑电波。

And when she rigged me up, I could see my brain working in real time.

当我佩戴上了电极， 就可以实时检测我的大脑活动。

And in another view that she showed me,

同时她给我看的另一幅图，

I could see exactly which parts of my brain were hyperactive,

可以清楚看到我大脑 哪些部分极度活跃，

here displayed in red;

就是红色的部分；

hypoactive, here displayed in blue;

不活跃的，用蓝色來表示；

and the healthy threshold of behavior,

以及健康的行为门槛，

the green zone, the Goldilocks zone,

就是绿色和金色的区域，

which is where I wanted to go.

那活跃区要改变的颜色。

And we can, in fact, isolate just those parts of my brain

事实上，在我大脑中可以识别出

that were associated with the romantic regulation

在费雪研究中发现

that we'd identified in the Fisher study.

与浪漫规则相关的部分。

So Penijean, several times,

有几次，佩尼琴

hooked me up with all her electrodes,

给我接上了所有的电极，

and she explained that I didn't have to do or think anything.

她指示我什么都不用做，不用想。

I just essentially had to hold pretty still

我只要保持安静，

and stay awake

保持清醒，

and watch.

只是观察着。

(Harp and vibraphone sounds play)

（竖琴和电颤音琴声音播放）

So I did.

我这样做了。

And every time my brain operated in that healthy threshold,

每次我的大脑 在那个健康的阈值中运行，

I got a little run of harp or vibraphone music.

都是听到一些竖琴或电颤琴音乐。

And I just watched my brain rotate at roughly the speed of a gyro machine

我总是从父亲的平板电视上看到

on my dad's flat-screen TV.

大脑在以陀螺的速度旋转。

And that was counterintuitive.

那是违反直觉的。

She said the learning would be essentially unconscious.

她说这种学习基本上是无意识的。

But then I thought about the other things I had learned

但后来我又想到， 我在没有意识的情况下

without actively engaging my conscious mind.

学到的其他东西。

When you ride a bike,

当你骑自行车时，

I don't really know what, like, my left calf muscle is doing,

我并不确切知道我的 左小腿肌肉在做什么，

or how my latissimus dorsi knows to engage when I wobble to the right.

或者我的背阔肌在我 向右摇晃时会如何配合。

The body just learns.

身体自然就学会了。

And similarly, Pavlov's dogs probably don't know a lot about, like,

同样，巴甫洛夫的狗可能不太了解

protein structures or the waveform of a ringing bell,

蛋白质结构或铃声的波形，

but they salivate nonetheless because the body paired the stimuli.

但它们还是会分泌唾液， 因为那身体与刺激的配对。

Finished the sessions,

我完成了课程，

went back to Dr. Cheryl Olman's fMRI machine,

回到谢丽尔·欧曼博士的 功能磁共振仪器，

and we repeated the protocol,

继续之前的医疗实验计划，

the same images --

同样的照片——

of the ex, of the control and, in the interest of scientific rigor,

一张前男友，一张对照组的，

为了科学的严密性，谢丽尔 和她的团队不知道照片上分别是谁，

Cheryl and her team didn't know who was who,

so that they couldn't influence the results.

所以他们不能影响结果。

And after she had time to analyze that second set of data,

在她花时间分析了第二次数据后，

she sent me that image.

她送来了那张图像。

She said,

她说，

"Dude A's dominance of your brain

“主导你大脑的男子A

seems to essentially have been eradicated.

基本上被根除了。

I think this is the desired result," comma, yes, question mark.

我想这是我们希望的结果，是吗?” 事件告一阶段了，但为什么？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And that was the exactly the desired result.

那确实是我们预期的结果。

And finally, I allowed myself a moment to introspect,

最后，我让自己反省，

like, how did I feel?

比如，我当时是什么感觉？

And in one way, it felt like

在某种程度上，这感觉

it was the same inventory of feelings that I'd had at the outset.

和我一开始的感觉是一样的。

This isn't "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

这不是《美丽心灵的永恒阳光》。

The dude wasn't a stranger.

那家伙不是陌生人。

但是，他曾经激起过我的爱、 嫉妒、亲密、爱慕和尊重，

But I'd had love and jealousy and amity and attraction and respect

and all those complicated feelings that you amass after long-term love.

以及在长期的恋爱之后 所积累的所有那些复杂的情感。

But it felt like the benevolent feelings had risen to the surface,

然而我感觉仁慈的心已经浮出水面，

and the feelings of fixation and the less-generous feelings

那些依恋，负面的感情、

weren't quite so present.

已经没有那么明显了。

And that sounds like a small thing in some way,

听起来似乎没什么大不了，

this resequencing of feelings,

但这种情感的重新排序，

but to me it felt like the biggest thing.

对我而言，是天大的事情。

Like, if I told you,

就好像我告诉你，

"I'm going to anesthetize you,

“我要麻醉你，

and I'm also going to take out your wisdom teeth,"

并打算拔掉你的智齿，”

it would really matter to you the sequence in which I did those two things.

我做这两件事情的顺序 对你很重要。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And I also felt like

并且我也感觉到

I'd had this really unusual philosophical privilege

我有这种不同寻常的哲学特权

to understand love.

去理解爱情。

The lab offered to 3D-print my caudate.

实验室提供了我的 尾状核的 3D 打印模型，

I got to hold love in my hand.

我要把爱情握在手里。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

它已被涂成古铜色，

And then I bronzed it,

and I made it into a necklace and sold it at the merch table at my shows.

做成了一条项链， 在我演唱会的商品桌上卖掉了。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（掌声）

And then, with the help of a couple of friends back in Minneapolis,

然后，在明尼阿波利斯 几个朋友的帮助下，

one of them Becky,

其中之一是贝基，

we made an enormous disco ball of it --

我们参照它做了一个 巨大的迪斯科球——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

that could descend from the ceiling at my big shows.

可以在我的大型演出上 从天花板上掉下来。

And I felt like I'd had the opportunity to better understand love,

我感觉我借着这个机会 更好的理解了爱情，

even the compulsive parts.

即便是必须要经过苦恋的部分。

It isn't a neat, symmetrical Valentine's heart.

它不是一颗条理有序情人节的心。

It's bodily, it's systemic,

它是有身体的、系统的、

it is a hideous pair of ram's horns buried somewhere deep within your skull,

仿佛一对丑恶的公羊角， 埋在你的头骨深处，

and when that special boy walks by,

当那个特别的男孩经过时，

it lights up,

它就会亮起来，

and if he likes you back and you make each other happy,

如果他也喜欢你， 你们会让彼此快乐，

then you fan the flames.

那么你煽起火焰。

And if he doesn't,

如果他不喜欢你，

then you assemble a team of neuroscientists

就去召集一组神经科学家，

to snuff them out by force.

用武力将它们消灭。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Thanks.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）