Can we choose to fall out of love? | Dessa

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: SF Huang

Hello, my name is Dessa,

哈囉，我是黛莎，

and I'm a member of a hip-hop collective called Doomtree.

我是嘻哈團體 Doomtree 的一員。

I'm the one in the tank top.

我是穿背心的那位。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I make my living as a performing, touring rapper and singer.

我是說唱歌手， 靠表演及巡迴演出為生。

When we perform as a collective, this is what our shows look like.

當我們全體一起演出時， 我們的表演是像這樣子的。

I'm the one in the boots.

我是穿靴子的那位。

There's a lot of jumping. There's a lot of sweating.

有很多的跳躍，有很多的汗水。

It's loud. It's very high-energy.

我們的演出是很喧噪、很高耗能的。

Sometimes there are unintentional body checks onstage.

有時，在台上會有 非刻意的身體碰撞。

Sometimes there are completely intentional body checks onstage.

有時，在台上會有 完全刻意的身體碰撞。

It's kind of a hybrid between an intramural hockey game and a concert.

它就像是校內曲棍球比賽 和音樂會的混合。

However, when I perform my own music as a solo artist,

然而，當我獨自一人 表演自己的音樂時，

I tend to gravitate towards more melancholy sounds.

我會傾向較憂傷的音樂風格。

A few years ago, I gave my mom the rough mixes of a new album,

幾年前，我拿一張初步混音版的 新專輯給我媽聽，

and she said, "Baby, it's beautiful, but why is it always so sad?"

她說：「寶貝，它很美， 但為什麼總是那麼悲傷？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"You always make music to bleed out to."

「你的音樂總是讓人們的心淌血。」

And I thought, "Who are you hanging out with that you know that phrase?"

我心想：「你都和誰混在一起 才會學到這種說法啊？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But over the course of my career, I've written so many sad love songs

但，在我職涯中， 我寫過好多悲傷的愛情歌曲，

that I got messages like this from fans:

以至於有歌迷這樣跟我說：

"Release new music or a book. I need help with my breakup."

「請推出新的音樂或書籍。 我剛分手需要協助。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And after performing and recording and touring those songs for a long time,

在長時間演出、錄製、 巡迴表演那些歌曲之後，

I found myself in a position

我發現我的處境是，

in which my professional niche was essentially romantic devastation.

我最擅長的就是破壞浪漫。

What I hadn't been public about, however,

然而，我沒有公開說過，

was the fact that most of these songs had been written about the same guy.

這些歌曲大部分是為了 同一個傢伙而寫的。

And for two years, we tried to sort ourselves out,

兩年的時間，我們試著 理清我們的狀況，

and then for five

接著再五年的時間，

and on and off for 10.

然後又藕斷絲連的十年。

And I was not only heartbroken,

我不只是心碎，

but I was kind of embarrassed that I couldn't rebound

我也覺得有點尷尬，因為我 無法從這個狀態中恢復，

from what other people seemed to recover from so regularly.

明明其他人似乎都可以做到。

And even though I knew it wasn't doing either of us any good,

即使我知道那對我們 兩個人都沒好處，

I just couldn't figure out how to put the love down.

我就是沒辦法把愛放下來。

Then, drinking white wine one night,

接著，在喝著白酒的夜晚，

I saw a TED Talk by a woman named Dr. Helen Fisher,

我看了一場 TED 演說， 講者是海倫 ‧ 費雪博士，

and she said that in her work, she'd been able to map the coordinates of love

她說在她的研究中，

她可以標記出愛在人腦中的座標。

in the human brain.

And I thought, well, if I could find my love in my brain,

我心想，如果我能找到 我腦中的愛在哪裡，

maybe I could get it out.

也許我就能把它弄出來。 所以我上了推特。

So I went to Twitter.

"Anybody got access to an fMRI lab,

「誰能把我弄進功能性磁振造影 實驗室？在半夜之類的？

like at midnight or something?

I'll trade for backstage passes and whiskey."

我可以用後台通行證 和威士忌來交換。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And that's Dr. Cheryl Olman,

那是雪蘿 ‧ 歐曼博士，

who works at the University of Minnesota's Center for Magnetic Resonance Research.

她在明尼蘇達大學的 磁振研究中心工作。

She took me up on it.

她接受了我的提案。

I explained Dr. Fisher's protocol,

我解釋了費雪博士的實驗計畫，

and we decided to recreate it with a sample size of one, me.

我們決定要重現它， 樣本大小：一人，我。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So I got decked out in a pair of forest green scrubs,

我換上綠色的醫療服，

and I was laid on a gurney

我躺在輪床上，

and wheeled into an fMRI machine.

被推入功能性磁振造影機。

If you're unfamiliar with that technology,

如果你對這項技術不熟悉，基本上，

essentially, an fMRI machine is a big, tubular magnet

功能性磁振造影機 是一個很大的管狀磁鐵，

that tracks the progress of deoxygenated iron in your blood.

能追蹤你血液中缺氧鐵的移動。

So it's essentially figuring out what parts of your brain

所以，基本上它就是 找出你大腦中的哪個部分，

are making the biggest metabolic demand at any given moment.

在任何的特定時刻， 有著最大的新陳代謝需求。

And in that way, it can figure out

用那種方式，它就可以找出 何種結構和何種任務有關，

which structures are associated with a task,

like tapping your finger, for example, will always light up the same region,

比如彈手指這種任務， 總會讓腦部的同一個區域亮起來，

或者，在我的例子中，

or in my case,

looking at pictures of your ex-boyfriend

任務就是看著前男友的照片，

and then looking at pictures of a dude who just sort of resembled my ex-boyfriend

接著，再看一個像前男友的人的照片，

but for whom I had no strong feelings.

但我對這個人沒有強烈的感覺。

He was the control.

他是對照組。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And when I left the machine,

我離開機器之後，

we had these really high-resolution images of my brain.

我們得到了我大腦的高解析度影像。

We could cleave the two halves apart.

我們能把它切開成兩部分。

We could inflate the cortex to see inside all of the wrinkles, essentially,

我們能擴大皮質部分， 看到皺摺的內部，

in a view that Dr. Cheryl Olman called the "brain skin rug."

這種視角被雪蘿 ‧ 歐曼博士 稱為「大腦皮地毯」。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And we could see how my brain had behaved when I looked at images of both men.

我們可以看見，當我看著 兩個不同人的影像時，

我的大腦有什麼反應。

And this was important.

這很重要。

We could track all of the activity

我們能追蹤當我看著對照組

when I looked at the control and when I looked at my ex,

及看著前男友時的所有腦部活動，

and it was in comparing these data sets that we'd be able to find the love alone,

比較這些資料集， 讓我們可以單獨把愛找出來，

in the same way that, if I were to step on a scale fully dressed

這個方法就類似， 如果我穿著衣服站上磅秤，

and then step on it again naked,

接著再赤裸地站上去，

the difference between those numbers would be the weight of my clothing.

兩次測量的差值 就是我衣服的重量。

So when we did that data comparison, we subtracted one from the other,

所以，我們比較資料之後， 我們把兩者相減，

we found activity in exactly the regions that Dr. Fisher would have predicted.

我們發現腦部的活動正落在 費雪博士預測的那個區域。

That's me.

那是我。

And that's my brain in love.

那是我在戀愛時的大腦。

There was activity in that little orange dot, the ventral tegmental area,

在那橘色小點上有發現活動， 那是腹側被蓋區，

that kind of loop of red is the anterior cingulate

那個紅色的環形就是前扣帶回，

and that golden set of horns is the caudates.

那對金牛角就是尾狀核。

After she had had time to analyze the data with her team

在雪蘿有時間和她的團隊 以及兩位合作夥伴，

and a couple of partners, Andrea and Phil,

安卓亞和菲爾，一起分析資料後，

Cheryl sent me an image, a single slide.

雪蘿寄了一張影像給我， 只有一張投影片。

It was my brain in cross section,

圖中是我的大腦橫斷面，

with one bright dot of activity

那一個亮點代表有活動，

that represented my feelings for this dude.

也就是我對這個傢伙的感覺。

And I'd known I was in love,

我知道我在戀愛中，

and that's the whole reason I was going to these outrageous lengths.

那就是我有這麼多離譜行徑的原因。

But having an image that proved it felt like such a vindication,

但有影像來證實這一點， 感覺就像我被證明無辜，

like, "Yeah, it's all in my head, but now I know exactly where."

像是：「是啊，都是我的腦袋瓜 在作祟，但現在我知道它在哪裡了。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I also felt like an assassin who had her mark.

我也覺得自己像是有了目標的刺客。

That was what I had to annihilate.

那就是我得要去摧毀的。

So I decided to embark on a course of treatment

所以我決定開始進行治療，

called "neurofeedback."

這方式叫做「神經回饋」。

I worked with a woman named Penijean Gracefire,

和我合作的是一名叫做 潘妮珍 ‧ 葛雷斯佛爾的女子，

and she explained that what we'd be doing was training my brain.

她解釋說我們要做的是訓練我的大腦。

We're not lobotomizing anything.

我們並沒有要切開什麼。

We're training it in the way that we would train a muscle,

我們訓練大腦的方式 和訓練肌肉的方式一樣，

so that it would be flexible enough and resilient enough

讓大腦有足夠的彈性和恢復力，

to respond appropriately to my circumstances.

可以對我的狀況做出適當的反應。

So when we're on the treadmill, we would anticipate

所以在跑步機上時，我們會預期

that our heart would beat and pound,

我們的心跳會很快很明顯，

and when we're asleep, we would ask that that muscle slow.

睡眠時，我們需要那肌肉慢下來。

Similarly, when I'm in a long-term, viable, loving romantic relationship,

同樣的，當我身處在一段長期、 可行、有愛的愛情關係中時，

the emotional centers of my brain should engage,

我大腦的情緒中心應該要啟動，

and when I'm not in a long-term, viable, emotional, loving relationship,

當我不處在長期、可行、 有愛的愛情關係中時，

they should eventually chill out.

情緒中心最終應該要冷靜下來。

So she came over with a set of electrodes just smaller than a dime

所以，她拿來了比一角硬幣 小一點點的電極，

that were sensitive enough to detect my brainwaves

它們靈敏到可以穿透我的骨頭、

through my bone and hair and scalp.

頭髮、頭皮來偵測我的腦波。

And when she rigged me up, I could see my brain working in real time.

當她幫我裝配好之後， 我就能即時看見大腦的運作。

And in another view that she showed me,

她還給我看了另一個視角，

I could see exactly which parts of my brain were hyperactive,

我能看見我的大腦有哪些部分

超級活躍，用紅色表示；

here displayed in red;

hypoactive, here displayed in blue;

活動減退是用藍色表示；

and the healthy threshold of behavior,

而行為的健康門檻值，

the green zone, the Goldilocks zone,

是綠色區域，適居帶， 就是我想要達成的目標。

which is where I wanted to go.

And we can, in fact, isolate just those parts of my brain

事實上，我們可以把 我大腦的這些部分隔離出來，

that were associated with the romantic regulation

也就是和浪漫調節相關的部分，

that we'd identified in the Fisher study.

在費雪的研究中找出來的部分。

So Penijean, several times,

所以，

潘妮珍

好幾次

hooked me up with all her electrodes,

把我接上她的電極，

and she explained that I didn't have to do or think anything.

她解釋說，我不用 做什麼或想什麼。

I just essentially had to hold pretty still

基本上，我只要保持不動，

and stay awake

別睡著，

and watch.

然後看就好了。

(Harp and vibraphone sounds play)

（播放豎琴和電顫琴的聲音）

So I did.

我就照做了。

And every time my brain operated in that healthy threshold,

每當我的大腦在那健康的 門檻範圍之內運作時，

I got a little run of harp or vibraphone music.

我就會聽到一小段 豎琴或電顫琴的音樂。

And I just watched my brain rotate at roughly the speed of a gyro machine

我就這樣看著我的大腦轉動，

轉速和我爸的平面 電視上的陀螺儀差不多。

on my dad's flat-screen TV.

And that was counterintuitive.

那是違背直覺的。

She said the learning would be essentially unconscious.

她說，基本上學習是無意識的。

But then I thought about the other things I had learned

但我接著就去思考 我沒有刻意用意識大腦

without actively engaging my conscious mind.

就學會的其他事物。

When you ride a bike,

當你騎腳踏車時，

I don't really know what, like, my left calf muscle is doing,

我不會知道左小腿肌在做什麼，

or how my latissimus dorsi knows to engage when I wobble to the right.

也不會知道當我向右晃動時 我的背闊肌會做什麼。

The body just learns.

身體就是會學習。

And similarly, Pavlov's dogs probably don't know a lot about, like,

同樣的，巴甫洛夫的狗 （古典制約實驗）不會知道很多

protein structures or the waveform of a ringing bell,

蛋白質結構或者鈴聲的波形，

but they salivate nonetheless because the body paired the stimuli.

但牠們就是會分泌唾液，因為 身體對那刺激物有對應的反應。

Finished the sessions,

完成了這部分之後，

went back to Dr. Cheryl Olman's fMRI machine,

回到雪蘿博‧歐曼博士的 功能性磁振造影機中，

and we repeated the protocol,

我們再一次執行實驗計畫， 用同樣的影像——

the same images --

of the ex, of the control and, in the interest of scientific rigor,

有前男友、有對照組， 另外，為了科學精確的緣故，

Cheryl and her team didn't know who was who,

雪蘿和她的團隊當時並不知道 誰是誰，才不會影響到結果。

so that they couldn't influence the results.

And after she had time to analyze that second set of data,

在她找時間分析了第二組資料後，

she sent me that image.

她傳給我這張影像。

She said,

她說：

"Dude A's dominance of your brain

「A 男對你的大腦的主宰力

seems to essentially have been eradicated.

似乎已經被根絕。

I think this is the desired result," comma, yes, question mark.

我想這是我們希望的結果，是嗎？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And that was the exactly the desired result.

那的確是希望的結果。

And finally, I allowed myself a moment to introspect,

終於，我找了個時間來反思，

like, how did I feel?

比如，我感覺如何？

And in one way, it felt like

某方面，感覺就像

it was the same inventory of feelings that I'd had at the outset.

和我一開始時列出的感覺都一樣。

This isn't "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

這並不是《王牌冤家》（電影）。

The dude wasn't a stranger.

這個傢伙不是陌生人。

But I'd had love and jealousy and amity and attraction and respect

我先前有愛、嫉妒、

友善、吸引、尊重，

and all those complicated feelings that you amass after long-term love.

以及經過長時間戀愛 所累積出來的各種複雜感受。

But it felt like the benevolent feelings had risen to the surface,

但，感覺就像是 和善的感受浮上表面了，

and the feelings of fixation and the less-generous feelings

而異常依戀和較不寬容的感覺

weren't quite so present.

沒有這麼顯著了。

And that sounds like a small thing in some way,

某種程度上，將感受重新排序 聽起來沒什麼大不了，

this resequencing of feelings,

但，對我來說這感覺像是件大事。

but to me it felt like the biggest thing.

Like, if I told you,

就像，如果我告訴你：

"I'm going to anesthetize you,

「我要將你麻醉，

and I'm also going to take out your wisdom teeth,"

和我要把你的智齒拔掉，」

it would really matter to you the sequence in which I did those two things.

這兩件事的順序就真的很重要。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I also felt like

我也覺得，

I'd had this really unusual philosophical privilege

我擁有這種很不尋常的哲學特權，

to understand love.

可以去了解愛。

The lab offered to 3D-print my caudate.

實驗室說他們可以 立體列印出我的尾狀核。

I got to hold love in my hand.

我可以把我的愛握在手中。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And then I bronzed it,

接著，我把它鍍銅，製成項鍊，

and I made it into a necklace and sold it at the merch table at my shows.

在我表演場地的 商品販售桌上將它賣掉。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

And then, with the help of a couple of friends back in Minneapolis,

接著，在明尼亞波里斯的 幾位朋友協助下，

one of them Becky,

其中一位是貝琪，

we made an enormous disco ball of it --

我們還做了它的迪斯可舞廳版本——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

that could descend from the ceiling at my big shows.

在我的大型演出中，它可以從天而降。

And I felt like I'd had the opportunity to better understand love,

我覺得，我有機會能夠更了解愛，

even the compulsive parts.

甚至是強迫性的部分。

It isn't a neat, symmetrical Valentine's heart.

它並不是一個工整對稱的情人愛心。

It's bodily, it's systemic,

它是身體的、它是系統性的、

it is a hideous pair of ram's horns buried somewhere deep within your skull,

它是一對醜陋的公羊角， 深深埋在你的頭骨裡面，

and when that special boy walks by,

當那位特殊的男孩經過時，

it lights up,

它就會亮起來，

and if he likes you back and you make each other happy,

如果他也喜歡你， 你們就會讓彼此快樂，

then you fan the flames.

接著情緒被煽動。

And if he doesn't,

如果他不喜歡你，

then you assemble a team of neuroscientists

你就會組成神經科學家團隊 用力消滅它們。

to snuff them out by force.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Thanks.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）