Can we choose to fall out of love? | Dessa

Translator: Polona Ramšak Reviewer: Klavdija Cernilogar

Hello, my name is Dessa,

Pozdravljeni. Moje ime je Dessa

and I'm a member of a hip-hop collective called Doomtree.

in sem članica hip-hop skupine po imenu Doomtree.

I'm the one in the tank top.

Jaz sem tista v majčki.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

And I make my living as a performing, touring rapper and singer.

Denar si služim kot raperka in pevka na turnejah.

When we perform as a collective, this is what our shows look like.

Ko nastopamo kot skupina, naš šov zgleda takole.

I'm the one in the boots.

Jaz sem tista v škornjih.

There's a lot of jumping. There's a lot of sweating.

Veliko je skakanja, veliko znojenja.

It's loud. It's very high-energy.

Glasno je, energično.

Sometimes there are unintentional body checks onstage.

Včasih pride na odru do nenamernih trkov.

Sometimes there are completely intentional body checks onstage.

Včasih pride na odru do popolnoma namernih trkov.

It's kind of a hybrid between an intramural hockey game and a concert.

Gre za neke vrste hibrid med šolsko hokejsko tekmo in koncertom.

However, when I perform my own music as a solo artist,

Ko pa izvajam lastno glasbo kot solo umetnica,

I tend to gravitate towards more melancholy sounds.

gravitiram proti bolj melanholičnim zvokom.

A few years ago, I gave my mom the rough mixes of a new album,

Pred nekaj leti sem dala mami grobo zmiksani novi album

and she said, "Baby, it's beautiful, but why is it always so sad?"

in rekla je: "Ljubica, prelepo je, ampak zakaj je vedno tako žalostno?"

(Laughter)

(smeh)

"You always make music to bleed out to."

"Vedno delaš glasbo, ob kateri človek izkrvavi."

And I thought, "Who are you hanging out with that you know that phrase?"

In pomislila sem: "S kom se družiš, da poznaš to besedno zvezo?"

(Laughter)

(smeh)

But over the course of my career, I've written so many sad love songs

A v svoji karieri sem napisala toliko žalostnih ljubezenskih pesmi,

that I got messages like this from fans:

da sem od oboževalcev dobivala taka sporočila:

"Release new music or a book. I need help with my breakup."

"Izdajte novo glasbo ali pa knjigo. Rabim pomoč ob razpadu moje zveze."

(Laughter)

(smeh)

And after performing and recording and touring those songs for a long time,

In po dolgem nastopanju in snemanju in turnejah s temi pesmimi

I found myself in a position

sem se znašla v položaju,

in which my professional niche was essentially romantic devastation.

v katerem je bila moja profesionalna niša v bistvu romantični obup.

What I hadn't been public about, however,

Vendar pa v javnosti nisem povedala,

was the fact that most of these songs had been written about the same guy.

da sem večino teh pesmi napisala o istem tipu.

And for two years, we tried to sort ourselves out,

In dve leti sem se skušala pobrati

and then for five

in potem pet

and on and off for 10.

in po malem deset.

And I was not only heartbroken,

In nisem imela le strtega srca,

but I was kind of embarrassed that I couldn't rebound

ampak mi je bilo tudi malo nerodno, da se ne morem pobrati

from what other people seemed to recover from so regularly.

od nečesa, kar ljudem očitno redno uspe.

And even though I knew it wasn't doing either of us any good,

In čeprav sem vedela, da nobenemu od naju to ne koristi,

I just couldn't figure out how to put the love down.

nisem mogla ugotoviti, kako naj pozabim ljubezen.

Then, drinking white wine one night,

Potem sem neke noči ob belem vinu

I saw a TED Talk by a woman named Dr. Helen Fisher,

videla TED govor neke ženske po imenu dr. Helen Fisher,

and she said that in her work, she'd been able to map the coordinates of love

ki je rekla, da ji je pri njenem delu uspelo zarisati koordinate ljubezni

in the human brain.

v človeških možganih.

And I thought, well, if I could find my love in my brain,

In pomislila sem, dobro, če bi lahko v svojih možganih našla ljubezen,

maybe I could get it out.

bi jo morda lahko dobila ven.

So I went to Twitter.

In sem šla na Twitter.

"Anybody got access to an fMRI lab,

Ima kdo dostop do fMRI laboratorija,

like at midnight or something?

recimo opolnoči ali kaj takega?

I'll trade for backstage passes and whiskey."

Zamenjam za VIP karte in viski.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

And that's Dr. Cheryl Olman,

In tole je dr. Cheryl Olman,

who works at the University of Minnesota's Center for Magnetic Resonance Research.

ki dela na Centru za raziskave z magnetno resonanco na univerzi v Minnesoti.

She took me up on it.

Prijela me je za besedo.

I explained Dr. Fisher's protocol,

Razložila sem ji protokol dr. Fisherjeve

and we decided to recreate it with a sample size of one, me.

in odločili sva se poustvariti ga na enem samem primerku, meni.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

So I got decked out in a pair of forest green scrubs,

Tako so me zavili v zelena bolnišnična oblačila

and I was laid on a gurney

in me polegli na voziček

and wheeled into an fMRI machine.

ter me odpeljali v fMRI stroj.

If you're unfamiliar with that technology,

Če ne poznate te tehnologije,

essentially, an fMRI machine is a big, tubular magnet

je fMRI stroj v bistvu velik, cevast magnet,

that tracks the progress of deoxygenated iron in your blood.

ki spremlja pot deoksidiranega železa v vaši krvi.

So it's essentially figuring out what parts of your brain

V bistvu ugotavlja, kateri deli vaših možganov

are making the biggest metabolic demand at any given moment.

imajo v nekem trenutku največjo metabolno zahtevo.

And in that way, it can figure out

Na ta način lahko ugotovi,

which structures are associated with a task,

katere strukture so povezane z neko nalogo;

like tapping your finger, for example, will always light up the same region,

tapkanje s prsti bo na primer vedno osvetlilo isto območje,

or in my case,

v mojem primeru pa

looking at pictures of your ex-boyfriend

gledanje slik mojega bivšega fanta

and then looking at pictures of a dude who just sort of resembled my ex-boyfriend

in potem gledanje slik tipa, ki mu je na nek način podoben,

but for whom I had no strong feelings.

a do njega nimam močnih čustev.

He was the control.

On je bil kontrola.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

And when I left the machine,

In ko sem prišla iz stroja,

we had these really high-resolution images of my brain.

smo imeli res dobre slike mojih možganov.

We could cleave the two halves apart.

Dobro smo lahko ločili obe polovici.

We could inflate the cortex to see inside all of the wrinkles, essentially,

Lahko smo povečali korteks, da bi videli v vse gube

in a view that Dr. Cheryl Olman called the "brain skin rug."

na način, ki ga je dr. Cheryl Olman imenovala 'možganska kožna preproga'.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

And we could see how my brain had behaved when I looked at images of both men.

Videli smo lahko, kako se moji možgani obnašajo, ko gledam slike obeh moških.

And this was important.

In to je bilo pomembno.

We could track all of the activity

Lahko smo sledili vsej aktivnosti,

when I looked at the control and when I looked at my ex,

ko sem gledala kontrolo in ko sem gledala svojega bivšega,

and it was in comparing these data sets that we'd be able to find the love alone,

in s primerjavo teh podatkov smo lahko našli ljubezen samo

in the same way that, if I were to step on a scale fully dressed

na enak način, kot če bi oblečena stopila na tehtnico,

and then step on it again naked,

potem pa še enkrat gola,

the difference between those numbers would be the weight of my clothing.

bi razlika med tema številkama bila teža mojih oblačil.

So when we did that data comparison, we subtracted one from the other,

Ko smo torej primerjali podatke, smo eno odšteli od drugega

we found activity in exactly the regions that Dr. Fisher would have predicted.

in našli aktivnost točno v predelih, ki jih je dr. Fisherjeva prej napovedala.

That's me.

To sem jaz.

And that's my brain in love.

In to so moji zaljubljeni možgani.

There was activity in that little orange dot, the ventral tegmental area,

Aktivnost se vidi v mali oranžni točki, v ventralno tegmentalnem območju,

that kind of loop of red is the anterior cingulate

tista rdeča zanka je anteriorna cingulatna skorja

and that golden set of horns is the caudates.

in tisti par zlatih rogov sta kavdata.

After she had had time to analyze the data with her team

Ko je utegnila analizirati podatke s svojo ekipo

and a couple of partners, Andrea and Phil,

in dvema partnerjema, Andreo in Philom,

Cheryl sent me an image, a single slide.

mi je Cheryl poslala sliko, en sam diapozitiv.

It was my brain in cross section,

Na njem so bili moji možgani v prerezu

with one bright dot of activity

z eno živahno točko aktivnosti,

that represented my feelings for this dude.

ki je predstavljala moja čustva do tega tipa.

And I'd known I was in love,

Vedela sem, da sem zaljubljena,

and that's the whole reason I was going to these outrageous lengths.

in to je edini razlog, zakaj sem se lotila vsega tega.

But having an image that proved it felt like such a vindication,

A slika kot dokaz tega je pomenila tako utemeljitev,

like, "Yeah, it's all in my head, but now I know exactly where."

kot: "Ja, vse je v moji glavi, a zdaj vem, kje točno."

(Laughter)

(smeh)

And I also felt like an assassin who had her mark.

Hkrati sem se počutila kot atentator, ki ima svojo tarčo.

That was what I had to annihilate.

To je tisto, kar moram premagati.

So I decided to embark on a course of treatment

Zato sem se odločila za serijo tretmajev,

called "neurofeedback."

ki se imenuje 'nevro feedback'.

I worked with a woman named Penijean Gracefire,

Delala sem z žensko po imenu Penijean Gracefire,

and she explained that what we'd be doing was training my brain.

ki mi je razložila, da bova trenirali moje možgane.

We're not lobotomizing anything.

Ničesar ne bova lobotomizirali.

We're training it in the way that we would train a muscle,

Trenirali jih bova tako, kot bi trenirali mišico,

so that it would be flexible enough and resilient enough

da bodo dovolj fleksibilni in odporni,

to respond appropriately to my circumstances.

da se bodo ustrezno odzvali na mojo situacijo.

So when we're on the treadmill, we would anticipate

Ko smo recimo na tekalni stezi, pričakujemo,

that our heart would beat and pound,

da nam bo srce močno bilo,

and when we're asleep, we would ask that that muscle slow.

ko spimo, pa želimo, da se ta mišica upočasni.

Similarly, when I'm in a long-term, viable, loving romantic relationship,

Podobno, ko sem v dolgem, uspešnem, ljubečem romantičnem razmerju,

the emotional centers of my brain should engage,

se morajo moji čustveni centri angažirati,

and when I'm not in a long-term, viable, emotional, loving relationship,

ko pa nisem v dolgem, uspešnem, ljubečem romantičnem razmerju,

they should eventually chill out.

pa bi se morali počasi umiriti.

So she came over with a set of electrodes just smaller than a dime

Tako se je pojavila s kompletom elektrod, majhnih kot kovanec za 5 centov,

that were sensitive enough to detect my brainwaves

in dovolj občutljive, da so zaznale moje možganske valove,

through my bone and hair and scalp.

skozi moje kosti in lase in skalp.

And when she rigged me up, I could see my brain working in real time.

In ko me je opremila, sem lahko videla možgane delovati v resničnem času.

And in another view that she showed me,

V nekem drugem pogledu

I could see exactly which parts of my brain were hyperactive,

sem lahko točno videla, kateri deli mojih možganov so bili hiperaktivni;

here displayed in red;

tu so prikazani z rdečo.

hypoactive, here displayed in blue;

Hipoaktivni so tu prikazani z modro,

and the healthy threshold of behavior,

zdrava mejna vrednost vedenja,

the green zone, the Goldilocks zone,

zeleno območje, območje Zlatolaske,

which is where I wanted to go.

ki je, kjer sem želela biti.

And we can, in fact, isolate just those parts of my brain

In dejansko lahko izoliramo samo tiste dele mojih možganov,

that were associated with the romantic regulation

ki so povezani z romantično regulacijo,

that we'd identified in the Fisher study.

ki smo jo identificirali v Fisherjevi študiji.

So Penijean, several times,

Tako me je Penijean nekajkrat

hooked me up with all her electrodes,

povezala s svojimi elektrodami

and she explained that I didn't have to do or think anything.

in mi razložila, da mi ni treba nič narediti in nič misliti.

I just essentially had to hold pretty still

V bistvu sem morala samo biti mirna

and stay awake

in ostati budna

and watch.

in gledati.

(Harp and vibraphone sounds play)

(zvoki harfe in vibrafona)

So I did.

In sem.

And every time my brain operated in that healthy threshold,

Vsakič, ko so moji možgani operirali v zdravi mejni vrednosti,

I got a little run of harp or vibraphone music.

sem slišala glasbo harfe ali vibrafona.

And I just watched my brain rotate at roughly the speed of a gyro machine

Gledala sem, kako moji možgani rotirajo s hitrostjo, podobno hitrosti

on my dad's flat-screen TV.

tuljave v televizorju mojega očeta.

And that was counterintuitive.

In bilo je v nasprotju z intuicijo.

She said the learning would be essentially unconscious.

Rekla mi je, da bo učenje v bistvu nezavedno.

But then I thought about the other things I had learned

Nato pa sem pomislila na vse drugo, česar sem se naučila,

without actively engaging my conscious mind.

ne da bi aktivno uporabljala svojo zavest.

When you ride a bike,

Ko vozim kolo,

I don't really know what, like, my left calf muscle is doing,

ne vem zares, kaj počnejo moja leva meča

or how my latissimus dorsi knows to engage when I wobble to the right.

ali kako moja hrbtna mišica ve, da naj ukrepa, ko se zamajam v desno.

The body just learns.

Telo se samo uči.

And similarly, Pavlov's dogs probably don't know a lot about, like,

In podobno Pavlovi psi verjetno niso vedeli veliko o, recimo,

protein structures or the waveform of a ringing bell,

proteinskih strukturah ali obliki valovanja zvoncev,

but they salivate nonetheless because the body paired the stimuli.

a so se kljub temu slinili, ker je telo reagiralo na spodbude.

Finished the sessions,

Končala sem seanse,

went back to Dr. Cheryl Olman's fMRI machine,

se vrnila k fMRI stroju dr. Olmanove

and we repeated the protocol,

in ponovili sva postopek.

the same images --

Iste slike

of the ex, of the control and, in the interest of scientific rigor,

bivšega in kontrole in v interesu znanstvene doslednosti

Cheryl and her team didn't know who was who,

Cheryl in njen tim niso vedeli, kdo je kdo,

so that they couldn't influence the results.

tako da ne bi mogli vplivati na rezultate.

And after she had time to analyze that second set of data,

In ko je imela čas analizirati drugi nabor podatkov,

she sent me that image.

mi je poslala tole sliko.

She said,

Rekla je:

"Dude A's dominance of your brain

"Izgleda, kot da je dominanca tipa A

seems to essentially have been eradicated.

v tvojih možganih izbrisana.

I think this is the desired result," comma, yes, question mark.

Mislim, da je to željeni rezultat," vejica, "ja?", vprašaj.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

And that was the exactly the desired result.

In točno to je bil željeni rezultat.

And finally, I allowed myself a moment to introspect,

Končno sem si dovolila trenutek, da sem se zazrla sama vase,

like, how did I feel?

češ kako se počutim.

And in one way, it felt like

Na nek način sem se počutila,

it was the same inventory of feelings that I'd had at the outset.

kot da imam isti nabor čustev, ki sem jih imela na začetku.

This isn't "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

To ni Večno sonce brezmadežnega uma.

The dude wasn't a stranger.

Tip ni bil tujec.

But I'd had love and jealousy and amity and attraction and respect

A imela sem ljubezen in ljubosumje, prijateljstvo, privlačnost in spoštovanje

and all those complicated feelings that you amass after long-term love.

in vsa tista zakomplicirana čustva, ki se nakopičijo po dolgotrajni ljubezni.

But it felt like the benevolent feelings had risen to the surface,

A občutila sem, da so se na površino dvignila dobrohotna čustva

and the feelings of fixation and the less-generous feelings

in čustva obsedenosti in manj prijazna čustva

weren't quite so present.

niso bila več tako prisotna.

And that sounds like a small thing in some way,

In to na nek način zveni malo,

this resequencing of feelings,

to spremenjeno zaporedje čustev,

but to me it felt like the biggest thing.

a zame je bilo največ.

Like, if I told you,

Kot če bi vam rekla:

"I'm going to anesthetize you,

"Anestetizirala vas bom

and I'm also going to take out your wisdom teeth,"

in vam izpulila modrostne zobe."

it would really matter to you the sequence in which I did those two things.

Zaporedje, v katerem bom opravila ti dve stvari, bi bilo res pomembno.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

And I also felt like

In počutila sem se tudi,

I'd had this really unusual philosophical privilege

kot da imam ta res nenavadni filozofski privilegij,

to understand love.

kako razumeti ljubezen.

The lab offered to 3D-print my caudate.

Laboratorij mi je ponudil, da bo moj kavdat natisnil s 3D tiskalnikom.

I got to hold love in my hand.

Ljubezen sem lahko držala v roki.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

And then I bronzed it,

Dala sem ga vliti v bron

and I made it into a necklace and sold it at the merch table at my shows.

in ga predelala v ogrlico in jo prodajala na svojih nastopih.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

(Applause)

(aplavz)

And then, with the help of a couple of friends back in Minneapolis,

In potem sem s pomočjo dveh prijateljic iz Minneapolisa,

one of them Becky,

ena od njiju je Becky,

we made an enormous disco ball of it --

iz njega naredila ogromno disko kroglo,

(Laughter)

(smeh)

that could descend from the ceiling at my big shows.

ki se je spustila s stropa na mojih velikih nastopih.

And I felt like I'd had the opportunity to better understand love,

In čutila sem, da sem dobila priložnost bolje razumeti ljubezen,

even the compulsive parts.

celo kompulzivne dele.

It isn't a neat, symmetrical Valentine's heart.

To ni čedno, simetrično Valentinovo srce.

It's bodily, it's systemic,

Je telesno, sistemsko,

it is a hideous pair of ram's horns buried somewhere deep within your skull,

je grd par ovnovih rogov, pokopan nekje globoko v tvoji lobanji

and when that special boy walks by,

in ko pride mimo tisti posebni fant,

it lights up,

se osvetli,

and if he likes you back and you make each other happy,

in če si mu tudi ti všeč in drug drugega osrečujeta,

then you fan the flames.

potem podpihuješ plamene.

And if he doesn't,

Če pa ne,

then you assemble a team of neuroscientists

potem zbereš tim nevroznanstvenikov,

to snuff them out by force.

da jih izbriseš na silo.

(Laughter)

(smeh)

Thanks.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(aplavz)