Can we choose to fall out of love? | Dessa

Prevoditelj: Martina Peraic Recezent: Sanda L

Hello, my name is Dessa,

Bok, zovem se Dessa,

and I'm a member of a hip-hop collective called Doomtree.

članica sam hip-hop skupine Doomtree.

I'm the one in the tank top.

Ja sam ova u majici bez rukava.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And I make my living as a performing, touring rapper and singer.

Zarađujem za život putujući i nastupajući kao reperica i pjevačica.

When we perform as a collective, this is what our shows look like.

Kada nastupamo kao skupina, naši koncerti izgledaju ovako.

I'm the one in the boots.

Ja sam ova u čizmama.

There's a lot of jumping. There's a lot of sweating.

Ima puno skakanja, ima puno znojenja.

It's loud. It's very high-energy.

Glasno je, puno je energije.

Sometimes there are unintentional body checks onstage.

Ponekad dođe do nenamjernih tjelesnih dodira na sceni.

Sometimes there are completely intentional body checks onstage.

Ponekad dođe do sasvim namjernih tjelesnih dodira na sceni.

It's kind of a hybrid between an intramural hockey game and a concert.

To je nekakav spoj igre hokeja i koncerta.

However, when I perform my own music as a solo artist,

Međutim, kada izvodim svoju glazbu solo,

I tend to gravitate towards more melancholy sounds.

težim melankoličnim zvucima.

A few years ago, I gave my mom the rough mixes of a new album,

Prije par godina, dala sam majci nedovršen snimak novog albuma

and she said, "Baby, it's beautiful, but why is it always so sad?"

i rekla mi je, "Dušo, ovo je predivno, ali zašto je uvijek tako tužno?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"You always make music to bleed out to."

"Uvijek stvaraš glazbu prikladnu da se iskrvari uz nju."

And I thought, "Who are you hanging out with that you know that phrase?"

Pomislila sam, "S kim se to družiš da bi znala takvu frazu?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But over the course of my career, I've written so many sad love songs

Ali tijekom svoje karijere napisala sam toliko tužnih ljubavnih pjesama,

that I got messages like this from fans:

da sam dobivala ovakve poruke od fanova:

"Release new music or a book. I need help with my breakup."

"Objavi novu pjesmu ili knjigu. Treba mi pomoć oko prekida."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And after performing and recording and touring those songs for a long time,

I nakon što sam jako dugo snimala i putovala izvodeći te pjesme,

I found myself in a position

našla sam se u situaciji

in which my professional niche was essentially romantic devastation.

da je moje profesionalno područje rada bilo romantično uništenje.

What I hadn't been public about, however,

Ali ono što nije bilo javno, međutim,

was the fact that most of these songs had been written about the same guy.

jest da je većina tih pjesama bila napisana o istom tipu.

And for two years, we tried to sort ourselves out,

Dvije godine pokušavali smo raščistiti našu situaciju,

and then for five

zatim još pet

and on and off for 10.

i zatim sljedećih 10 godina.

And I was not only heartbroken,

Ne samo da mi je srce bilo slomljeno,

but I was kind of embarrassed that I couldn't rebound

nego sam se i sramila što se ne mogu oporaviti

from what other people seemed to recover from so regularly.

od nečega od čega se drugi ljudi toliko uobičajeno oporavljaju.

And even though I knew it wasn't doing either of us any good,

Iako sam znala kako ne činim dobro nijednome od nas,

I just couldn't figure out how to put the love down.

jednostavno nisam mogla odgonetnuti kako da se ostavim ljubavi.

Then, drinking white wine one night,

Onda, pijući bijelo vino jedne večeri,

I saw a TED Talk by a woman named Dr. Helen Fisher,

pogledala sam TED govor dr. Helen Fisher,

and she said that in her work, she'd been able to map the coordinates of love

koja je tvrdila da je u svom radu uspjela odrediti koordinate ljubavi

in the human brain.

u ljudskom mozgu.

And I thought, well, if I could find my love in my brain,

Pomislila sam, pa ako bih mogla otkriti mjesto ljubavi u svome mozgu,

maybe I could get it out.

možda bih je mogla izvući.

So I went to Twitter.

Pa sam otišla na Twitter.

"Ima li tko pristup laboratoriju za magnetsku rezonanciju,

"Anybody got access to an fMRI lab,

like at midnight or something?

recimo oko ponoći?

I'll trade for backstage passes and whiskey."

Mijenjam za pristup backstageu i viski."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And that's Dr. Cheryl Olman,

Ovo je dr. Cheryl Olman,

who works at the University of Minnesota's Center for Magnetic Resonance Research.

koja radi u Centru za magnetsku rezonanciju na Sveučilištu Minnesota.

She took me up on it.

Prihvatila je moj izazov.

I explained Dr. Fisher's protocol,

Objasnila sam joj protokol dr. Fisher

and we decided to recreate it with a sample size of one, me.

i odlučile smo ga ponoviti na uzorku jedne osobe, mene.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

So I got decked out in a pair of forest green scrubs,

Pa su me obukli u šumskozelenu halju,

and I was laid on a gurney

polegli na podlogu

and wheeled into an fMRI machine.

i poslali u MR uređaj.

If you're unfamiliar with that technology,

Ako vam nije poznata ova tehnologija,

essentially, an fMRI machine is a big, tubular magnet

MR uređaj je veliki valjkasti magnet

that tracks the progress of deoxygenated iron in your blood.

koji prati protjecanje deoksigeniziranog željeza u vašoj krvi.

So it's essentially figuring out what parts of your brain

Zapravo procjenjuje koji dijelovi važeg mozga

are making the biggest metabolic demand at any given moment.

stvaraju najveće metaboličke zahtjeve u svakom pojedinom trenutku.

And in that way, it can figure out

Tako može odgonetnuti

which structures are associated with a task,

koje strukture su povezane s kojim zadatkom,

like tapping your finger, for example, will always light up the same region,

primjerice, tapkanje prstom će uvijek osvijetliti isto područje,

or in my case,

ili u mome slučaju,

looking at pictures of your ex-boyfriend

gledanje fotografija bivšeg dečka,

and then looking at pictures of a dude who just sort of resembled my ex-boyfriend

a zatim gledanje fotografija tipa koji liči na mog bivšeg dečka

but for whom I had no strong feelings.

ali za kog nemam snažnih osjećaja.

He was the control.

On je bio kontrolna grupa.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And when I left the machine,

Kada sam izašla iz uređaja,

we had these really high-resolution images of my brain.

dobili smo ove slike mog mozga u vrlo visokoj rezoluciji.

We could cleave the two halves apart.

Mogli smo razdvojiti polovice.

We could inflate the cortex to see inside all of the wrinkles, essentially,

Mogli smo uvećati moždanu koru i pogledati u svaki nabor,

in a view that Dr. Cheryl Olman called the "brain skin rug."

kroz pogled koji dr. Olman naziva "tepihom od moždane kože".

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And we could see how my brain had behaved when I looked at images of both men.

Mogli smo vidjeti kako se moj mozak ponašao gledajući slike oba muškarca.

And this was important.

Ovo je bilo važno.

We could track all of the activity

Mogli smo vidjeti svu aktivnost

when I looked at the control and when I looked at my ex,

kada sam gledala u kontrolnog tipa i kada sam gledala u svog bivšeg,

and it was in comparing these data sets that we'd be able to find the love alone,

a uspoređujući ta dva seta podataka pronaći ćemo samu ljubav,

in the same way that, if I were to step on a scale fully dressed

na isti način kao kada bih stala na vagu potpuno odjevena

and then step on it again naked,

i zatim ponovno bez odjeće,

the difference between those numbers would be the weight of my clothing.

razlika u tim brojevima bila bi težina moje odjeće.

So when we did that data comparison, we subtracted one from the other,

Kada smo obavili tu usporedbu podataka, oduzeli smo jedne od drugih,

we found activity in exactly the regions that Dr. Fisher would have predicted.

pronašli smo aktivnost upravo u području koje je predvidjela dr. Fisher.

That's me.

Ovo sam ja.

And that's my brain in love.

A ovo je moj zaljubljeni mozak.

There was activity in that little orange dot, the ventral tegmental area,

Postojala je aktivnost u toj narančastoj točkici, ventralno-tegmentalnom području,

that kind of loop of red is the anterior cingulate

ova crvena zavojnica je prednji cingulum,

and that golden set of horns is the caudates.

a ovaj zlatni set rogova je repata jezgra.

After she had had time to analyze the data with her team

Nakon što je uzela vremena da analizira podatke sa svojim timom

and a couple of partners, Andrea and Phil,

i nekoliko suradnika, Andreom i Philom,

Cheryl sent me an image, a single slide.

Cheryl mi je poslala jednu sliku, presjek.

It was my brain in cross section,

To je bio presjek moga mozga,

with one bright dot of activity

s jednom točkom aktivnosti

that represented my feelings for this dude.

koja je predstavljala moje osjećaje za tog tipa.

And I'd known I was in love,

Znala sam da sam zaljubljena,

and that's the whole reason I was going to these outrageous lengths.

to je bio i razlog zašto sam otišla ovoliko daleko.

But having an image that proved it felt like such a vindication,

Ali imati sliku kao dokaz za to doimalo se kao oslobođenje.

like, "Yeah, it's all in my head, but now I know exactly where."

Bilo je, "Da, sve je to u mojoj glavi, ali sada znam točno gdje."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And I also felt like an assassin who had her mark.

A osjećala sam se i kao ubojica koji vidi svoju metu.

That was what I had to annihilate.

To je to što moram uništiti.

So I decided to embark on a course of treatment

Pa sam odlučila početi sa serijom tretmana

called "neurofeedback."

zvanih "neurofeedback".

I worked with a woman named Penijean Gracefire,

Radila sam sa Penijean Gracefire,

and she explained that what we'd be doing was training my brain.

koja mi je objasnila da ćemo trenirati moj mozak.

We're not lobotomizing anything.

Nema nikakve lobotomije.

We're training it in the way that we would train a muscle,

Treniramo ga baš kao što bismo trenirali mišić,

so that it would be flexible enough and resilient enough

kako bi bio dovoljno gibljiv i otporan

to respond appropriately to my circumstances.

da prikladno odgovori mojim okolnostima.

So when we're on the treadmill, we would anticipate

Kada smo na trkaćoj traci, predviđamo

that our heart would beat and pound,

da će nam srce snažno lupati,

and when we're asleep, we would ask that that muscle slow.

a dok spavamo, zatražit ćemo od tog mišića da uspori.

Similarly, when I'm in a long-term, viable, loving romantic relationship,

Slično tome, kada sam u dugoročnoj, održivoj, ispunjenoj ljubavnoj vezi,

the emotional centers of my brain should engage,

emocionalni centri u mom mozgu bi trebali biti aktivni,

and when I'm not in a long-term, viable, emotional, loving relationship,

a kada nisam u dugoročnoj, održivoj, ispunjenoj ljubavnoj vezi,

they should eventually chill out.

trebali bi se kad-tad opustiti.

So she came over with a set of electrodes just smaller than a dime

Došla je k meni sa setom elektroda manjih od novčića

that were sensitive enough to detect my brainwaves

koji su bili dovoljno osjetljivi da prepoznaju moje moždane valove

through my bone and hair and scalp.

kroz moje kosti, kosu i lubanju.

And when she rigged me up, I could see my brain working in real time.

Kada me je prikopčala, mogla sam vidjeti rad svog mozga u realnom vremenu.

And in another view that she showed me,

U drugom prizoru koji mi je pokazala,

I could see exactly which parts of my brain were hyperactive,

mogla sam vidjeti točno one dijelove mozga koji su bili hiperaktivni,

here displayed in red;

ovdje obojane crveno;

hypoactive, here displayed in blue;

hipoaktivni, obojani u plavo;

and the healthy threshold of behavior,

i zdravi prag ponašanja,

the green zone, the Goldilocks zone,

zeleno područje, Zlatokosino područje,

which is where I wanted to go.

kamo sam željela ići.

And we can, in fact, isolate just those parts of my brain

Zapravo, možemo izdvojiti upravo te dijelove mog mozga

that were associated with the romantic regulation

koji su povezani s romantičnom regulacijom

that we'd identified in the Fisher study.

i koje je otkrila studija dr. Fisher.

So Penijean, several times,

Pa me je Penijean nekoliko puta

hooked me up with all her electrodes,

spojila na sve te elektrode

and she explained that I didn't have to do or think anything.

i objasnila mi je da ne moram ništa činiti niti misliti.

I just essentially had to hold pretty still

Trebala sam samo ostati mirna

and stay awake

i budna

and watch.

i gledati.

(Harp and vibraphone sounds play)

(Zvukovi harfe i vibrafona)

So I did.

To sam i učinila.

And every time my brain operated in that healthy threshold,

Svaki put kada bi moj mozak radio na zdravom pragu,

I got a little run of harp or vibraphone music.

dobila sam kratak zvuk glazbe harfe i vibrafona.

And I just watched my brain rotate at roughly the speed of a gyro machine

I samo sam promatrala svoj mozak kako se rotira brzinom zvrka

on my dad's flat-screen TV.

na televizoru moga oca.

And that was counterintuitive.

To nije vodilo u očekivanom smjeru.

She said the learning would be essentially unconscious.

Rekla je da će se učenje zapravo odvijati nesvjesno.

But then I thought about the other things I had learned

Ali tada sam razmišljala o drugim stvarima koje sam naučila

without actively engaging my conscious mind.

bez svjesnog korištenja svoje svijesti.

When you ride a bike,

Kada vozite bicikl,

I don't really know what, like, my left calf muscle is doing,

zapravo nemam pojma što, naprimjer, radi mišić moga lijevog bedra,

or how my latissimus dorsi knows to engage when I wobble to the right.

ili kako moj leđni mišić zna što činiti ako krenem udesno.

The body just learns.

Tijelo jednostavno nauči.

And similarly, Pavlov's dogs probably don't know a lot about, like,

Slično tome, Pavlovljevi psi vjerojatno ne znaju previše o, recimo,

protein structures or the waveform of a ringing bell,

proteinskim strukturama ili valovima zvuka zvona,

but they salivate nonetheless because the body paired the stimuli.

ali ipak otpuštaju slinu jer je tijelo uparilo ta dva podražaja.

Finished the sessions,

Završila sam seriju tretmana,

went back to Dr. Cheryl Olman's fMRI machine,

vratila sam se u MR uređaj dr. Cheryl Olman,

and we repeated the protocol,

ponovili smo protokol,

the same images --

iste fotografije --

of the ex, of the control and, in the interest of scientific rigor,

moj bivši, kontrolni tip, a za potrebe znanstvene nepristranosti,

Cheryl and her team didn't know who was who,

Cheryl i njezin tim nisu znali koji je koji,

so that they couldn't influence the results.

kako ne bi mogli utjecati na ishod.

And after she had time to analyze that second set of data,

Nakon što je analizirala drugi set podataka,

she sent me that image.

poslala mi je ovu sliku.

She said,

Rekla je,

"Dude A's dominance of your brain

"Prisutnost tipa A u tvome mozgu

seems to essentially have been eradicated.

izgleda osjetno izbrisanom.

I think this is the desired result," comma, yes, question mark.

Mislim da je to poželjan ishod", zarez, da, upitnik.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And that was the exactly the desired result.

To i jest bio upravo željeni ishod.

And finally, I allowed myself a moment to introspect,

Konačno sam si dozvolila trenutak introspekcije,

like, how did I feel?

kako sam se osjećala?

And in one way, it felt like

S jedne strane, bilo je kao

it was the same inventory of feelings that I'd had at the outset.

da imam isti raspon osjećaja koje sam imala i ranije.

This isn't "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

Ovo nije film "Vječni sjaj nepobjedivog uma."

The dude wasn't a stranger.

Tip nije bio stranac.

But I'd had love and jealousy and amity and attraction and respect

Ali imala sam ljubav i ljubomoru i prijateljstvo i privlačnost i poštovanje

and all those complicated feelings that you amass after long-term love.

i sve te zamršene osjećaje koje nakupite nakon dugotrajne ljubavi.

But it felt like the benevolent feelings had risen to the surface,

Ali osjetila sam kao da su dobroćudni osjećaji isplivali na površinu,

and the feelings of fixation and the less-generous feelings

a osjećaji ovisnosti i manje velikodušni osjećaji

weren't quite so present.

više nisu bili prisutni.

And that sounds like a small thing in some way,

To nekako zvuči kao mala stvar,

this resequencing of feelings,

to preraspodjeljivanje osjećaja,

but to me it felt like the biggest thing.

ali za mene je to bila ogromna stvar.

Like, if I told you,

Ako bih vam rekla,

"I'm going to anesthetize you,

"Dat ću ti anesteziju

and I'm also going to take out your wisdom teeth,"

i izvadit ću ti umnjake",

it would really matter to you the sequence in which I did those two things.

stvarno bi vam bio bitan redoslijed tih dviju stvari.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And I also felt like

Također sam se osjećala

I'd had this really unusual philosophical privilege

kao da imam tu neobičnu filozofsku povlasticu

to understand love.

da razumijem ljubav.

The lab offered to 3D-print my caudate.

Laboratorij mi je ponudio 3D ispis moje repate jezgre.

I got to hold love in my hand.

Mogla sam držati ljubav u ruci.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And then I bronzed it,

Obavila sam je broncom

and I made it into a necklace and sold it at the merch table at my shows.

i pretvorila u ogrlicu koju sam prodala na štandu tijekom koncerata.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Applause)

(Pljesak)

And then, with the help of a couple of friends back in Minneapolis,

A zatim, uz pomoć nekoliko prijatelja iz Minneapolisa,

one of them Becky,

jedna od njih je Becky,

we made an enormous disco ball of it --

napravili smo od nje ogromnu disko kuglu

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

that could descend from the ceiling at my big shows.

koja se spuštala sa stropa na mojim većim koncertima.

And I felt like I'd had the opportunity to better understand love,

Osjećala sam da imam priliku bolje razumjeti ljubav,

even the compulsive parts.

čak i ovisničke dijelove.

It isn't a neat, symmetrical Valentine's heart.

To nije uredno, simetrično, valentinsko srce.

It's bodily, it's systemic,

Ona je tjelesna, sustavna,

it is a hideous pair of ram's horns buried somewhere deep within your skull,

ona je grozomoran par ovčjih rogova utisnutih duboko u vašoj lubanji,

and when that special boy walks by,

i kada taj poseban momak prođe pored vas,

it lights up,

upali se,

and if he likes you back and you make each other happy,

a ako se i vi njemu sviđate i usrećujete jedno drugo,

then you fan the flames.

onda se raspiruju plamenovi.

And if he doesn't,

A ako mu se ne sviđate,

then you assemble a team of neuroscientists

onda skupite tim neuroznanstvenika

to snuff them out by force.

da ga silom istjerate.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Thanks.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)