The birds and the bees are just the beginning | Carin Bondar

180,783 views ・ 2014-03-14

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00:12
Anyone in the room thought about sex today?
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(Laughter)
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Yeah, you did.
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Thank you for putting your hand up over there.
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Well, I'm here to provide you with
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some biological validation
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for your sordid daydreams.
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I'm here to tell you a few things
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that you might not have known about wild sex.
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Now, when humans think about sex,
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male and female forms
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are generally what come to mind,
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but for many millions of years,
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such specific categories didn't even exist.
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Sex was a mere fusion of bodies
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or a trickle of DNA
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shared between two or more beings.
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It wasn't until about 500 million years ago
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that we start to see structures akin to a penis
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or a thing that gives DNA out,
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and a vagina, something that receives it.
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Now invariably, you're probably thinking about
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what belongs to our own species,
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these very familiar structures,
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but the diversity that we see in sexual structures
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in the animal kingdom that has evolved
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in response to the multitude of factors
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surrounding reproduction
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is pretty mind-blowing.
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Penile diversity is especially profuse.
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So this is a paper nautilus.
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It's a close relative of squid and octopus,
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and males have a hectocotylus.
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Just what is a hectocotylus?
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A detachable, swimming penis.
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It leaves the [body of the male],
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finds the female through pheromonal cues in the water,
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attaches itself to her body
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and deposits the sperm.
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For many decades, biologists actually felt
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that the hectocotylus was a separate organism altogether.
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Now, the tapir is a mammal from South America.
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And the tapir has a prehensile penis.
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It actually has a level of dexterity in its penis
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much akin to what we have with our hands.
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And it uses this dexterity
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to bypass the vagina altogether
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and deposit sperm directly into the female's uterus,
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not to mention it's a pretty good size.
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The biggest penis in the animal kingdom,
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however, is not that of the tapir.
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The biggest penis-to-body-size ratio
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in the animal kingdom actually belongs
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to the meager beach barnacle,
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and this video is actually showing you
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what the human penis would look like
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if it were the same size as that of a barnacle.
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(Laughter)
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Mm-hm. (Laughter)
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So with all of this diversity in structure,
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one might think, then, that penises
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are fitting neatly into vaginas all over the place
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for the purposes of successful reproduction.
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Simply insert part A into slot B,
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and we should all be good to go.
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But of course, that doesn't exactly happen,
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and that's because we can't just take form into account.
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We have to think about function as well,
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and when it comes to sex,
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function relates to the contributions made
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by the gametes, or the sperm and the eggs.
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And these contributions are far from equal.
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Eggs are very expensive to make,
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so it makes sense for females to be very choosy
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about who she shares them with.
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Sperm, on the other hand, is abundant and cheap,
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so it makes more sense for males
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to have a more-sex-is-better strategy
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when it comes to siring members
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of future generations.
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So how do animals cope
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with these very incongruent needs between the sexes?
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I mean, if a female doesn't choose a particular male,
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or if she has the ability to store sperm
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and she simply has enough,
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then it makes more sense for her to spend her time
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doing other biologically relevant things:
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avoiding predators, taking care of offspring,
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gathering and ingesting food.
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This is, of course, bad news for any male
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who has yet to make a deposit in her sperm bank,
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and this sets the scene for some pretty drastic strategies
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for successful fertilization.
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This is bedbug sex,
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and it's aptly termed traumatic insemination.
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Males have a spiked, barbed penis
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that they literally stab into the female,
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and they don't stab it anywhere near her vagina.
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They stab it anywhere in her body,
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and the sperm simply migrates
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through her hemolymph to her ovaries.
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If a female gets too many stab wounds,
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or if a stab wound happens to become infected,
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she can actually die from it.
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Now if you've ever been out for a nice,
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peaceful walk by the lake
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and happened to see some ducks having sex,
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you've undoubtedly been alarmed,
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because it looks like gang rape.
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And quite frankly, that's exactly what it is.
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A group of males will grab a female,
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hold her down,
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and ballistically ejaculate their spiral-shaped penis
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into her corkscrew-shaped vagina
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over and over and over again.
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From flaccid to ejaculation in less than a second.
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Now the female actually gets the last laugh, though,
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because she can actually manipulate her posture
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so as to allow the sperm of certain suitors
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better access to her ovaries.
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Now, I like to share stories like this with my audiences
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because, yeah, we humans,
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we tend to think sex, sex is fun, sex is good,
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there's romance, and there's orgasm.
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But orgasm didn't actually evolve
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until about 65 million years ago
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with the advent of mammals.
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But some animals had it going on quite a bit before that.
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There are some more primitive ways
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of pleasing one's partner.
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Earwig males have either
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really large penile appendages
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or really small ones.
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It's a very simple genetically inherited trait
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and the males are not otherwise any different.
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Those that have long penile appendages
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are not bigger or stronger
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or otherwise any different at all.
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So going back to our biological minds, then,
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we might think that females should choose
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to have sex with the guys that have the shorter appendages,
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because she can use her time for other things:
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avoiding predators, taking care of young,
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finding and ingesting food.
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But biologists have repeatedly observed
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that females choose to have sex
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with the males that have the long appendages.
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Why do they do this?
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Well, according to the biological literature,
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"During copulation, the genitalia of certain males
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may elicit more favorable female responses
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through superior mechanical or stimulatory interaction
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with the female reproductive tract."
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Mm-hm.
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These are Mexican guppies,
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and what you see on their upper maxilla
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is an outgrowth of epidermal filaments,
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and these filaments basically form
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a fish mustache, if you will.
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Now males have been observed to prod
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the female's genital opening
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prior to copulating with her,
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and in what I have lovingly termed the Magnum, P.I. hypothesis,
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females are overwhelmingly more likely to be found
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with males that have these fish mustaches.
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A little guppy porn for you right there.
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So we've seen very different strategies
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that males are using when it comes to
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winning a female partner.
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We've seen a coercion strategy in which sexual structures are used in a forceful way
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to basically make a female have sex.
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We've also seen a titillation strategy
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where males are actually
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pleasing their female partners into choosing them
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as a sex partner.
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Now unfortunately, in the animal kingdom,
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it's the coercion strategy that we see
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time and time again.
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It's very common in many phyla,
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from invertebrates to avian species,
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mammals, and, of course, even in primates.
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Now interestingly, there are a few mammalian species
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in which females have evolved specialized genitalia
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that doesn't allow for sexual coercion to take place.
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Female elephants and female hyenas
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have a penile clitoris,
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or an enlarged clitoral tissue that hangs externally,
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much like a penis,
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and in fact it's very difficult to sex these animals
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by merely looking at their external morphology.
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So before a male can insert his penis into a female's vagina,
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she has to take this penile clitoris
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and basically inside-out it in her own body.
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I mean, imagine putting a penis into another penis.
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It's simply not going to happen
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unless the female is on board with the action.
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Now, even more interesting is the fact
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that elephant and hyena societies
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are entirely matriarchal:
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they're run by females, groups of females,
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sisters, aunts and offspring,
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and when young males attain sexual maturity,
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they're turfed out of the group.
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In hyena societies, adult males
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are actually the lowest on the social scale.
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They can take part in a kill only after
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everybody else, including the offspring.
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So it seems that when you take the penis power
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away from a male,
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you take away all the social power he has.
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So what are my take-home messages from my talk today?
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Well, sex is just so much more
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than insert part A into slot B
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and hope that the offspring run around everywhere.
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The sexual strategies and reproductive structures
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that we see in the animal kingdom basically
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dictate how males and females will react to each other,
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which then dictates how populations and societies
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form and evolve.
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So it may not be surprising to any of you
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that animals, including ourselves,
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spend a good amount of time thinking about sex,
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but what might surprise you is the extent to which
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so many other aspects of their lives and our lives
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are influenced by it.
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So thank you, and happy daydreaming.
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(Applause)
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