What it's like to be a transgender dad | LB Hannahs

翻译人员: Hong Li 校对人员: jacks peng

So the other morning I went to the grocery store

一天早上，我走进一家杂货店，

and an employee greeted me

店员跟我打招呼：

with a "Good morning, sir, can I help you with anything?"

“早上好，先生，有什么可以帮您？”

I said, "No, thanks, I'm good."

我说，“不用了，谢谢。”

The person smiled and we went our separate ways.

他冲我笑了笑，然后我们就分开了。

I grabbed Cheerios and I left the grocery store.

我拿了一盒麦片，离开了杂货店。

然后我去了一家本地 汽车穿梭咖啡厅。

And I went through the drive-through of a local coffee shop.

After I placed my order, the voice on the other end said,

下单之后，另一头的声音说，

“谢谢您，女士。 请开到另一边。”

"Thank you, ma'am. Drive right around."

Now, in the span of less than an hour,

在不到一个小时内，

I was understood both as a "sir" and as a "ma'am."

我被人同时认作了 “先生”和“女士”。

But for me, neither of these people are wrong,

对我而言，他们都没错，

but they're also not completely right.

但是也不全对。

This cute little human is my almost-two-year-old Elliot.

这个可爱的小家伙 是我的埃利奥特，差不多2岁。

Yeah, alright.

是的，可爱吧。

And over the past two years,

在过去的2年里，

this kid has forced me to rethink the world

这个小家伙让我重新思考世界

and how I participate in it.

和如何生活。

I identify as transgender and as a parent, that makes me a transparent.

我既是跨性别人，也是父亲， 所以我是“夸父”。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（掌声）

(Cheering)

（欢呼声）

(Applause)

（掌声）

As you can see, I took this year's theme super literal.

如您所见，我这一年 比夸父还累。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Like any good dad joke should.

就像所有幽默的好父亲一样。

More specifically, I identify as genderqueer.

具体来说，我是一名性别酷儿。

And there are lots of ways to experience being genderqueer,

性别酷儿有许多种行为方式，

but for me that means I don't really identify as a man or a woman.

对我而言，它意味着 我不把自己认作男性或女性。

I feel in between and sometimes outside of this gender binary.

我觉得自己处于两者之间， 有时又游离于两者之外。

And being outside of this gender binary

游离在两者之外

means that sometimes I get "sired" and "ma'amed"

意味着我有时被认为是“先生”， 有时被认为是“女士”

in the span of less than an hour when I'm out doing everyday things

哪怕就在我日常生活中， 不到一个小时内，

like getting Cheerios.

比如去买一盒麦片。

但是这种位于两者之间的状态 是我感到最舒服的。

But this in between lane is where I'm most comfortable.

This space where I can be both a sir and a ma'am

这种既可以是先生 又可以是女士的中间地带

是感觉最正确也最真实的。

feels the most right and the most authentic.

But it doesn't mean that these interactions aren't uncomfortable.

但这并不意味着 所有的互动都令人舒服。

Trust me, the discomfort can range from minor annoyance

相信我，这种不舒服的程度 会从小小的讨厌

到感觉到危险。

to feeling physically unsafe.

有一次在大学的一个酒吧里，

Like the time at a bar in college

一个门卫拎着我的脖子后面

when a bouncer physically removed me by the back of the neck

and threw me out of a woman's restroom.

把我从女厕所里扔了出去。

But for me, authenticity doesn't mean "comfortable."

对我而言，真实并不意味着“舒适”。

It means managing and negotiating the discomfort of everyday life,

它意味着管理和解决 日常生活中的不舒适，

even at times when it's unsafe.

哪怕有时候会有危险。

And it wasn't until my experience as a trans person

直到我的跨性别身份

collided with my new identity as a parent

与我的父亲身份发生了碰撞，

that I understood the depth of my vulnerabilities

我才发现自己是多么脆弱，

and how they are preventing me from being my most authentic self.

这种脆弱会阻止我做最真实的自己。

Now, for most people, what their child will call them

对大多数人而言，孩子怎么称呼自己，

is not something that they give much thought to

是一件不需要思考太多的事情，

outside of culturally specific words

无非就是不同文化所用的词汇不同，

or variations on a gendered theme like "mama," "mommy," or "daddy," "papa."

或者性别不同所以称呼不同， “妈妈”、“妈咪”，或者“爸爸”、“爹地”。

But for me, the possibility is what this child,

但对我而言，一想到这个孩子

who will grow to be a teenager and then a real-life adult,

从十几岁再到成年，

will call me for the rest of our lives,

在剩下的岁月中 都会以某种称呼来叫我，

was both extremely scary and exciting.

这让我既恐惧又兴奋。

And I spent nine months wrestling with the reality that being called "mama"

我花了9个月的时间去纠结， 被叫做妈妈

or something like it didn't feel like me at all.

或者其它的称呼，一点都不像我。

无论我试过多少次， 或者多少个“妈妈”的版本，

And no matter how many times or versions of "mom" I tried,

it always felt forced and deeply uncomfortable.

总感觉是被逼的，而且极度不舒服。

I knew being called "mom" or "mommy" would be easier to digest for most people.

我知道被叫做“妈妈”或“妈咪” 对大部分人而言更容易理解。

The idea of having two moms is not super novel,

有两个妈妈并不十分新奇，

especially where we live.

尤其在我生活的地方。

So I tried other words.

于是我试了试其它的词。

And when I played around with "daddy," it felt better.

我试了试“爹地”，感觉好一点。

Better, but not perfect.

好一点，但也不完美。

It felt like a pair of shoes that you really liked

就感觉有一双鞋你很喜欢，

but you needed to wear and break in.

但是要弄破了才能穿进去一样。

And I knew the idea of being a female-born person being called "daddy"

我知道一个出生时是女性的人 被叫做“爹地”

是一条更难走的路， 会遇到许多不舒服的时刻。

was going to be a harder road with a lot more uncomfortable moments.

But, before I knew it, the time had come

但我还没意识到这一点， 这个时刻就来临了，

and Elliot came screaming into the world, like most babies do,

埃利奥特哭喊着降临到这个世界， 就像大多数婴儿一样，

and my new identity as a parent began.

我为人父母的身份开始了。

I decided on becoming a daddy, and our new family faced the world.

我决定做一名父亲， 与我的新家庭面对这个世界。

Now one of the most common things that happens when people meet us

最常发生的一件事， 就是当人们遇到我们

is for people to "mom" me.

他们会认为我是“妈妈”。

And when I get "momed", there are several ways the interaction can go,

这个时候，有几种互动方式，

我花了张地图来说明我的选择。

and I've drawn this map to help illustrate my options.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So, option one is to ignore the assumption

方案一就是无视这种假设，

and allow folks to continue to refer to me as "mom,"

让他们继续认为我是“妈妈”，

which is not awkward for the other party,

对他们而言没有问题，

but is typically really awkward for us.

但对我们而言就很尴尬。

And it usually causes me to restrict my interaction with those people.

而且这经常会让我 拒绝跟这些人交流。

Option one.

方案一。

Option two is to stop and correct them

方案二就是阻止并纠正他们，

and say something like,

告诉他们，

"Actually, I'm Elliot's dad" or "Elliot calls me 'daddy.'"

“其实，我是埃利奥特的父亲”， 或者“埃利奥特叫我爹地。”

And when I do this, one or two of the following things happen.

当我这么说之后， 接下来会有一到两种情况。

Folks take it in stride and say something like, "Oh, OK."

他们会接受我的说法， 说，“哦，好吧。”

And move on.

然后过去。

Or they respond by apologizing profusely

或者他们会不停地道歉，

because they feel bad or awkward or guilty or weird.

因为他们觉得不好、 尴尬、内疚或者奇怪。

But more often, what happens is folks get really confused

但更常见的一种情况是， 他们觉得很困惑

and look up with an intense look and say something like,

会抬头一脸紧张地看着我，

"Does this mean you want to transition?

“你是不是要去做变性手术？

Do you want to be a man?"

你想变成一个男人？”

Or say things like,

或者说，

"How can she be a father?

“她怎么能当父亲呢？

Only men can be dads."

只有男的可以当父亲啊。”

Well, option one is oftentimes the easier route.

好吧，方案一通常 是比较容易的选择。

Option two is always the more authentic one.

方案二是更加真实的情况。

And all of these scenarios involve a level of discomfort,

所有这些场景都会导致 不同程度的不舒服。

即便在最好的情况下。

even in the best case.

随着时间的推移， 我在这幅复杂的地图中选择路线的能力

And I'll say that over time, my ability to navigate this complicated map

has gotten easier.

会越来越强。

But the discomfort is still there.

但那种不舒服仍然会在。

Now, I won't stand here and pretend

我不会站在这儿，假装自己

like I've mastered this, it's pretty far from it.

已经搞定这件事，其实还差得远呢。

And there are days when I still allow option one to take place

有时候我还是会选择方案一，

because option two is just too hard or too risky.

因为方案二实在太难或者太冒险。

There's no way to be sure of anyone's reaction,

我无法肯定每个人会如何反应，

and I want to be sure that folks have good intentions,

我想确定人们是心怀好意的，

他们是好人。

that people are good.

But we live in a world where someone's opinion of my existence

但当今世界，对于像我这种人的存在， 一些人的看法

can be met with serious threats to me

对我而言是严重的威胁，

or even my family's emotional or physical safety.

甚至会影响我家人 的情绪和人身安全。

So I weigh the costs against the risks

于是我权衡利弊，

and sometimes the safety of my family comes before my own authenticity.

有时候家人的安全 会比我自己的真实感更重要。

But despite this risk,

但是不管危险与否，

I know as Elliot gets older and grows into her consciousness and language skills,

我知道，埃利奥特慢慢长大， 会有自我意识，会学会说话，

if I don't correct people, she will.

如果我不纠正别人，她也会纠正。

I don't want my fears and insecurities to be placed on her,

我不想让自己的恐惧和不安全感 落到她头上，

to dampen her spirit or make her question her own voice.

抑制她的情绪，或者让她怀疑自己。

I need to model agency, authenticity and vulnerability,

我需要展示这种真实和脆弱，

and that means leaning into those uncomfortable moments of being "momed"

也就是说我不能逃避 这种被叫做“妈妈”的时刻，

and standing up and saying, "No, I'm a dad.

而是要挺身而出，说， “不，我是一名父亲。

And I even have the dad jokes to prove it."

我会讲许多爸爸的笑话 来证明这一点。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Now, there have already been plenty of uncomfortable moments

我已经经历过许多不舒服的时刻了，

甚至有些还很痛苦。

and even some painful ones.

但是在短短2年时间里，

But there's also been, in just two short years,

有一些富有成效与变革意义的时刻， 在我成为一名父亲

validating and at times transformative moments on my journey as a dad

and my path towards authenticity.

和通往真实的路上 起到了积极的作用。

When we got our first sonogram,

我们第一次去做超声波检查的时候，

we decided we wanted to know the sex of the baby.

我们想知道宝宝的性别。

The technician saw a vulva and slapped the words "It's a girl"

检查的技师看完， 在屏幕上敲出“是个女孩”

on the screen and gave us a copy and sent us on our way.

给我们打印了一张照片 就让我们离开了。

We shared the photo with our families like everyone does

像其他人一样， 我们把照片发给家里人看了，

and soon after, my mom showed up at our house with a bag filled --

很快，我妈妈拎着个大袋子 就到了我家，

一点也不夸张，

I'm not exaggerating,

it was like this high and it was filled, overflowing with pink clothes and toys.

那个袋子有这么高， 装满了粉色的衣服和玩具。

Now I was a little annoyed to be confronted with a lot of pink things,

看着那一大堆粉色的东西， 我其实有点不爽，

and having studied gender

研究了那么久性别

and spent countless hours teaching about it in workshops and classrooms,

花了无数时间 在工作室和教室教课，

I thought I was pretty well versed on the social construction of gender

我以为自己已经精通 社会的性别架构

and how sexism is a devaluing of the feminine

明白性别歧视会如何降低女性的价值

and how it manifests both explicitly and implicitly.

以及它如何表现得即明显又隐蔽。

But this situation, this aversion to a bag full of pink stuff,

但这种情况，这种 对一大袋子粉色东西的厌恶之情

forced me to explore my rejection of highly feminized things

让我对在孩子的世界里 出现极度女性化的东西

in my child's world.

感到非常抗拒。

I realized that I was reinforcing sexism

我意识到我恰恰在证实性别歧视

and the cultural norms I teach as problematic.

这种原本我在教学中 视作问题的文化规范。

No matter how much I believed in gender neutrality in theory,

无论在理论上我多么相信中性，

in practice, the absence of femininity is not neutrality, it's masculinity.

然而在实践中，女性气质的缺位 就不是中立，是男子主义。

If I only dress my baby in greens and blues and grays,

如果我只给自己的宝宝 穿绿色、蓝色和灰色，

the outside world doesn't think, "Oh, that's a cute gender-neutral baby."

其他人并不会认为， “哦，那是个可爱的性别中立的宝宝。”

They think, "Oh, what a cute boy."

他们会想， “哦，多可爱的一个男孩儿。”

So my theoretical understanding of gender and my parenting world collided hard.

因此，我对于性别的理论理解 和我作为家长的世界很难相融。

Yes, I want a diversity of colors and toys for my child to experience.

我想让我的孩子体会 各种颜色和玩具。

I want a balanced environment for her to explore

我想有一个平衡的环境让她去体验，

and make sense of in her own way.

让她自己体会。

我们甚至给我们的女宝宝 选了个中性的名字。

We even picked a gender-neutral name for our female-born child.

But gender neutrality is much easier as a theoretical endeavor

但是性别中立 作为一种理论尝试还可以，

than it is as a practice.

实践起来要难得多。

And in my attempts to create gender neutrality,

我在尝试做到性别中立的时候，

I was inadvertently privileging masculinity over femininity.

会在不经意间突出男子气概， 压制女性气质。

So, rather than toning down or eliminating femininity in our lives,

因此我们并没有减少或者消除 生活中的女性气质，

we make a concerted effort to celebrate it.

而是通过多种努力来拥抱它。

We have pinks among the variety of colors,

在众多颜色中我们也保留粉色，

we balance out the cutes with handsomes

我们寻找平衡，可爱中带点帅气

and the prettys with strongs and smarts

美丽中带点强壮和聪慧，

and work really hard not to associate any words with gender.

想方设法不把任何词汇 跟性别联系起来。

We value femininity and masculinity

我们重视女性气质和男子气概

while also being highly critical of it.

同时也会非常慎重地审视它们。

And do our best to not make her feel limited by gender roles.

我们竭尽所能让她不觉得 被自己的性别所限制。

And we do all this in hopes

做这一切

我们是希望能为孩子树立一个榜样， 建立一种健康而又自主的性别观。

that we model a healthy and empowered relationship with gender for our kid.

Now this work to develop a healthy relationship with gender for Elliot

帮助埃利奥特 发展健康的性别观的这一过程，

made me rethink and evaluate how I allowed sexism to manifest

让我重新思考和评价， 如何让性别歧视

in my own gender identity.

在我自己的性别认知中显现出来。

I began to reevaluate how I was rejecting femininity

我开始重新评估 自己是如何抗拒女性气质

in order to live up to a masculinity that was not healthy

来显示男子气概，其实这并不健康，

or something I wanted to pass on.

或者我想传递出去的一些东西。

Doing this self-work meant I had to reject option one.

进行这种自我思考 意味着我要放弃方案一。

I couldn't ignore and move on.

我不能选择无视，然后离开。

I had to choose option two.

我必须选择方案二。

I had to engage with some of my most uncomfortable parts

我必须要与面对那些 让我感到最不舒服的事情

to move towards my most authentic self.

才能离最真实的自己越来越近。

And that meant I had to get real about the discomfort I have with my body.

也就是说我要正视身体上的不适。

It's pretty common for trans people to feel uncomfortable in their body,

跨性别人的身体经常会感到不舒服，

这种不舒服的程度， 从虚弱无力到令人厌烦

and this discomfort can range from debilitating to annoying

and everywhere in between.

以及中间的某种程度。

And learning my body and how to be comfortable in it as a trans person

了解自己的身体，以及作为跨性别人 该如何让自己舒适，

has been a lifelong journey.

是一个一辈子的课题。

I've always struggled with the parts of my body

我一直纠结于自己身体中

that can be defined as more feminine --

那些被定义为更加女性化的部分，

my chest, my hips, my voice.

我的胸部，我的臀部，我的嗓音。

And I've made the sometimes hard, sometimes easy decision

我有时犹豫不决，有时又非常坚决，

to not take hormones or have any surgeries to change it

不去服用激素，或者动手术

to make myself more masculine by society's standards.

让自己按照社会的标准， 更加男性化一些。

And while I certainly haven't overcome all the feelings of dissatisfaction,

当然我没有完全克服 那些不满的感觉，

I realized that by not engaging with that discomfort

我意识到，如果我无视那些不舒服，

and coming to a positive and affirming place with my body,

对自己的身体 持一种积极的、肯定的态度，

我就是在加强性别歧视、跨性别歧视， 并且形成身体羞愧。

I was reinforcing sexism, transphobia and modeling body shaming.

If I hate my body,

如果我恨自己的身体，

in particular, the parts society deems feminine or female,

特别是，恨大众认为的 女性化的部分，

I potentially damage how my kid can see the possibilities of her body

对我的孩子而言， 她就可能看不到自己身体的可能性，

and her feminine and female parts.

看不到她身体中女性部分的可能性。

If I hate or am uncomfortable with my body,

如果我自己都恨或者说 不喜欢自己的身体，

how can I expect my kid to love hers?

我又怎么能期待 自己的孩子爱她的身体？

Now it would be easier for me to choose option one:

现在对我来说， 选择方案一会更容易一些：

to ignore my kid when she asks me about my body or to hide it from her.

无视她询问关于我身体的问题， 或者在她面前进行遮掩。

But I have to choose option two every day.

但我每天都必须选择方案二。

I have to confront my own assumptions about what a dad's body can and should be.

我要与自己的设定作斗争， 父亲的身体可以或应该是什么样。

So I work every day to try and be more comfortable in this body

因此我每天都在努力 让自己在这个身体中觉得舒适，

and in the ways I express femininity.

与我所谓的女性气质和平共处。

So I talk about it more,

于是我更加多地谈到它，

I explore the depths of this discomfort

我探索这种不舒适的程度，

and find language that I feel comfortable with.

寻找我觉得适合的语言。

And this daily discomfort helps me build both agency and authenticity

这种日常的不舒适帮助我在 如何展示自己身体和性别中

同时构建代理状态和真实自我。

in how I show up in my body and in my gender.

I'm working against limiting myself.

我努力不给自己加限制。

I want to show her that a dad can have hips,

我想告诉她爸爸也可以有 丰满的臀部，

a dad doesn't have to have a perfectly flat chest

爸爸不一定要有完全平坦的胸部，

or even be able to grow facial hair.

甚至可以不长胡子。

And when she's developmentally able to,

随着她慢慢能理解，

我想跟她讲自己探索身体的过程。

I want to talk to her about my journey with my body.

I want her to see my journey towards authenticity

我想让她了解我通往真实的旅程，

even when it means showing her the messier parts.

哪怕要给她看某些不美好的部分。

We have a wonderful pediatrician

我们有一个好的儿科医生，

and have established a good relationship with our kid's doctor.

建立了非常好的关系。

And as you all know, while your doctor stays the same,

大家都知道，医生不会变，

your nurses and nurse practitioners change in and out.

但是护士和执业护士会经常变。

And when Elliot was first born, we took her to the pediatrician

埃利奥特刚出生的时候， 我们带她去儿科医生那儿，

遇到了我们的第一位护士， 就叫她莎拉吧。

and we met our first nurse -- we'll call her Sarah.

Very early in in our time with Sarah,

我们从一开始接触莎拉，

we told her how I was going to be called "dad"

就告诉她，我会被叫“爸爸”，

and my partner is "mama."

而我的另一半会当“妈妈”。

Sarah was one of those folks that took it in stride,

莎拉属于对这种事很大度的那种人，

and our subsequent visits went pretty smoothly.

之后我们去看医生都很顺利。

大约1年后，莎拉换班了，

And about a year later, Sarah switched shifts

我们有了一位新护士， 就叫她贝琪吧。

and we started working with a new nurse -- we'll call her Becky.

我们之前没有提叫爸爸这件事

We didn't get in front of the dad conversations

直到我们原来那位护士，莎拉

and it didn't actually come up until Sarah, our original nurse,

走进来跟我们打招呼。

walked in to say hi.

Sarah's warm and bubbly and said hi to Elliot and me and my wife

莎拉非常暖心又活泼地 跟埃利奥特、我和我的妻子打招呼

and when talking to Elliot said something like,

她跟埃利奥特说到，

"Is your daddy holding your toy?"

“是爸爸拿着你的玩具吗？”

Now out of the corner of my eye,

这时我的眼角瞟到，

I could see Becky swing around in her chair

贝琪在椅子上转向莎拉

and make daggers at Sarah.

还拿眼睛瞪莎拉。

And as the conversation shifted to our pediatrician,

后来我们跟医生说话去了，

I saw Sarah and Becky's interaction continue, and it went something like this.

我还看到莎拉和贝琪在继续互动， 看起来是这样的。

Becky, shaking her head "no" and mouthing the word "mom."

贝琪，摇着头“不”， 嘴型看起来在说“妈妈”。

Sarah, shaking her head "no" and mouthing the word "no, dad."

莎拉，摇着头“不”， 嘴型看起来在说“爸爸”。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Awkward, right?

尴尬吧？

So this went back and forth in total silence a few more times

这种沉默的交锋持续了好几轮，

until we walked away.

直到我们离开。

Now, this interaction has stuck with me.

这次交流给我的印象很深。

Sarah could have chosen option one,

莎拉本可以选择方案一，

ignored Becky, and let her refer to me as mom.

无视贝琪，任由她把我当作妈妈。

It would have been easier for Sarah.

这对莎拉来说会容易得多。

She could have put the responsibility back on me or not said anything at all.

她本可以把这个责任甩给我， 什么也不说。

But in that moment, she chose option two.

但在那一刻，她选择了方案二。

She chose to confront the assumptions and affirm my existence.

她选择面对我这种人的存在， 面对对于我的假设和断言。

She insisted that a person who looks and sounds like me

她坚持认为，像我这样的人，

实际上也可以当父亲。

can in fact be a dad.

And in a small but meaningful way,

她以一种很小但是很有意义的方式，

advocated for me, my authenticity and my family.

支持了真实的我， 支持了我和我的家人。

Unfortunately, we live in a world that refuses to acknowledge trans people

不幸的是，我们生活在一个 拒绝承认跨性别人，

and the diversity of trans people in general.

拒绝承认跨性别人 多样性的世界。

And my hope is that when confronted with an opportunity

我希望，当我们遇到一个机会，

需要为别人挺身而出的时候，

to stand up for someone else,

我们能像莎拉一样， 尽管可能会有风险。

we all take action like Sarah, even when there's risk involved.

So some days, the risk of being a genderqueer dad feels too much.

有时候，做一名性别酷儿父亲 所冒的风险太大。

And deciding to be a dad has been really hard.

决定做父亲真的很难。

And I'm sure it will continue to be the hardest,

我确信未来依然会是最难的事情，

但也是我人生最大的收获。

yet the most rewarding experience of my life.

But despite this challenge, every day has felt 100 percent worth it.

抛开这个挑战不谈， 我觉得度过的每一天都百分百值得。

So each day I affirm my promise to Elliot

每天我都会确认对埃利奥特的承诺，

and that same promise to myself.

这个承诺也是对我自己。

To love her and myself hard

努力去爱她和自己，

with forgiveness and compassion,

带着宽恕和同情，

with tough love and with generosity.

带着坚定的爱和慷慨。

To give room for growth, to push beyond comfort

给予成长的空间，走出舒适区，

in hopes of attaining and living a more meaningful life.

希望获得并度过更有意义的一生。

I know in my head and in my heart

我知道在记忆中，在心里，

that there are hard and painful and uncomfortable days ahead.

有以往的艰难、痛苦和不安。

My head and my heart also know

但我也同时知道，

that all of it will lead to a more rich, authentic life

这一切都会带我走向 更加丰富、真实的人生，

that I can look back on without regrets.

当我回首往事，不会后悔。

Thank you.

谢谢大家。

(Applause)

（掌声）