What it's like to be a transgender dad | LB Hannahs

113,399 views ・ 2018-06-01

TED


Please double-click on the English subtitles below to play the video.

00:12
So the other morning I went to the grocery store
0
12872
2255
00:15
and an employee greeted me
1
15151
1318
00:16
with a "Good morning, sir, can I help you with anything?"
2
16493
2697
00:19
I said, "No, thanks, I'm good."
3
19214
1936
00:21
The person smiled and we went our separate ways.
4
21576
2239
00:23
I grabbed Cheerios and I left the grocery store.
5
23839
2312
00:26
And I went through the drive-through of a local coffee shop.
6
26175
2735
00:28
After I placed my order, the voice on the other end said,
7
28934
2675
00:31
"Thank you, ma'am. Drive right around."
8
31633
1865
00:33
Now, in the span of less than an hour,
9
33522
1810
00:35
I was understood both as a "sir" and as a "ma'am."
10
35356
2962
00:38
But for me, neither of these people are wrong,
11
38762
2207
00:40
but they're also not completely right.
12
40993
2150
00:44
This cute little human is my almost-two-year-old Elliot.
13
44310
3424
00:48
Yeah, alright.
14
48362
1150
00:50
And over the past two years,
15
50529
1371
00:51
this kid has forced me to rethink the world
16
51924
2007
00:53
and how I participate in it.
17
53955
1476
00:55
I identify as transgender and as a parent, that makes me a transparent.
18
55455
4189
01:00
(Laughter)
19
60450
2461
01:02
(Applause)
20
62935
1426
01:04
(Cheering)
21
64385
1849
01:06
(Applause)
22
66258
5486
01:11
As you can see, I took this year's theme super literal.
23
71768
3580
01:15
(Laughter)
24
75372
1061
01:16
Like any good dad joke should.
25
76457
2095
01:19
More specifically, I identify as genderqueer.
26
79599
2327
01:21
And there are lots of ways to experience being genderqueer,
27
81950
2779
01:24
but for me that means I don't really identify as a man or a woman.
28
84753
3190
01:27
I feel in between and sometimes outside of this gender binary.
29
87967
3157
01:31
And being outside of this gender binary
30
91537
1858
01:33
means that sometimes I get "sired" and "ma'amed"
31
93419
2341
01:35
in the span of less than an hour when I'm out doing everyday things
32
95784
3159
01:38
like getting Cheerios.
33
98967
1158
01:40
But this in between lane is where I'm most comfortable.
34
100149
2572
01:42
This space where I can be both a sir and a ma'am
35
102745
2254
01:45
feels the most right and the most authentic.
36
105023
2292
01:47
But it doesn't mean that these interactions aren't uncomfortable.
37
107339
3056
01:50
Trust me, the discomfort can range from minor annoyance
38
110419
2579
01:53
to feeling physically unsafe.
39
113022
1412
01:54
Like the time at a bar in college
40
114458
1603
01:56
when a bouncer physically removed me by the back of the neck
41
116085
2841
01:58
and threw me out of a woman's restroom.
42
118950
1875
02:00
But for me, authenticity doesn't mean "comfortable."
43
120849
2753
02:03
It means managing and negotiating the discomfort of everyday life,
44
123626
3104
02:06
even at times when it's unsafe.
45
126754
1482
02:09
And it wasn't until my experience as a trans person
46
129093
2398
02:11
collided with my new identity as a parent
47
131515
1991
02:13
that I understood the depth of my vulnerabilities
48
133530
2316
02:15
and how they are preventing me from being my most authentic self.
49
135870
3089
02:20
Now, for most people, what their child will call them
50
140203
2477
02:22
is not something that they give much thought to
51
142704
2199
02:24
outside of culturally specific words
52
144927
1745
02:26
or variations on a gendered theme like "mama," "mommy," or "daddy," "papa."
53
146696
3546
02:30
But for me, the possibility is what this child,
54
150266
2404
02:32
who will grow to be a teenager and then a real-life adult,
55
152694
2914
02:35
will call me for the rest of our lives,
56
155632
1858
02:37
was both extremely scary and exciting.
57
157514
2737
02:41
And I spent nine months wrestling with the reality that being called "mama"
58
161185
3533
02:44
or something like it didn't feel like me at all.
59
164742
2287
02:47
And no matter how many times or versions of "mom" I tried,
60
167053
2728
02:49
it always felt forced and deeply uncomfortable.
61
169805
2380
02:52
I knew being called "mom" or "mommy" would be easier to digest for most people.
62
172901
3716
02:56
The idea of having two moms is not super novel,
63
176641
2341
02:59
especially where we live.
64
179006
1511
03:01
So I tried other words.
65
181743
1596
03:03
And when I played around with "daddy," it felt better.
66
183363
2904
03:06
Better, but not perfect.
67
186568
1698
03:09
It felt like a pair of shoes that you really liked
68
189124
2334
03:11
but you needed to wear and break in.
69
191482
1801
03:13
And I knew the idea of being a female-born person being called "daddy"
70
193720
3294
03:17
was going to be a harder road with a lot more uncomfortable moments.
71
197038
3326
03:20
But, before I knew it, the time had come
72
200388
2190
03:22
and Elliot came screaming into the world, like most babies do,
73
202602
2944
03:25
and my new identity as a parent began.
74
205570
2602
03:28
I decided on becoming a daddy, and our new family faced the world.
75
208196
3143
03:32
Now one of the most common things that happens when people meet us
76
212538
3103
03:35
is for people to "mom" me.
77
215665
1309
03:36
And when I get "momed", there are several ways the interaction can go,
78
216998
3293
03:40
and I've drawn this map to help illustrate my options.
79
220315
3413
03:43
(Laughter)
80
223752
1611
03:45
So, option one is to ignore the assumption
81
225387
2896
03:48
and allow folks to continue to refer to me as "mom,"
82
228307
2940
03:51
which is not awkward for the other party,
83
231271
1953
03:53
but is typically really awkward for us.
84
233248
2337
03:55
And it usually causes me to restrict my interaction with those people.
85
235609
3292
03:59
Option one.
86
239331
1349
04:00
Option two is to stop and correct them
87
240704
3270
04:03
and say something like,
88
243998
1173
04:05
"Actually, I'm Elliot's dad" or "Elliot calls me 'daddy.'"
89
245195
3120
04:08
And when I do this, one or two of the following things happen.
90
248339
2917
04:11
Folks take it in stride and say something like, "Oh, OK."
91
251624
3293
04:14
And move on.
92
254941
1277
04:16
Or they respond by apologizing profusely
93
256242
2573
04:18
because they feel bad or awkward or guilty or weird.
94
258839
2806
04:22
But more often, what happens is folks get really confused
95
262067
3518
04:25
and look up with an intense look and say something like,
96
265609
3499
04:29
"Does this mean you want to transition?
97
269132
1978
04:31
Do you want to be a man?"
98
271134
1515
04:32
Or say things like,
99
272673
1722
04:34
"How can she be a father?
100
274419
1484
04:35
Only men can be dads."
101
275927
1466
04:38
Well, option one is oftentimes the easier route.
102
278283
2263
04:40
Option two is always the more authentic one.
103
280570
2801
04:43
And all of these scenarios involve a level of discomfort,
104
283395
2682
04:46
even in the best case.
105
286101
1157
04:47
And I'll say that over time, my ability to navigate this complicated map
106
287282
3381
04:50
has gotten easier.
107
290687
1219
04:51
But the discomfort is still there.
108
291931
1643
04:53
Now, I won't stand here and pretend
109
293877
1676
04:55
like I've mastered this, it's pretty far from it.
110
295577
2389
04:57
And there are days when I still allow option one to take place
111
297990
2917
05:00
because option two is just too hard or too risky.
112
300931
2373
05:04
There's no way to be sure of anyone's reaction,
113
304141
3286
05:07
and I want to be sure that folks have good intentions,
114
307451
2721
05:10
that people are good.
115
310196
1318
05:11
But we live in a world where someone's opinion of my existence
116
311538
3134
05:14
can be met with serious threats to me
117
314696
1865
05:16
or even my family's emotional or physical safety.
118
316585
2468
05:19
So I weigh the costs against the risks
119
319498
4245
05:23
and sometimes the safety of my family comes before my own authenticity.
120
323767
3828
05:28
But despite this risk,
121
328934
1183
05:30
I know as Elliot gets older and grows into her consciousness and language skills,
122
330141
4206
05:34
if I don't correct people, she will.
123
334371
2400
05:37
I don't want my fears and insecurities to be placed on her,
124
337727
2786
05:40
to dampen her spirit or make her question her own voice.
125
340537
2887
05:43
I need to model agency, authenticity and vulnerability,
126
343783
2786
05:46
and that means leaning into those uncomfortable moments of being "momed"
127
346593
3908
05:50
and standing up and saying, "No, I'm a dad.
128
350525
2857
05:53
And I even have the dad jokes to prove it."
129
353406
2048
05:55
(Laughter)
130
355478
1864
05:58
Now, there have already been plenty of uncomfortable moments
131
358188
2818
06:01
and even some painful ones.
132
361030
1341
06:02
But there's also been, in just two short years,
133
362395
2206
06:04
validating and at times transformative moments on my journey as a dad
134
364625
3239
06:07
and my path towards authenticity.
135
367888
1698
06:10
When we got our first sonogram,
136
370466
1508
06:11
we decided we wanted to know the sex of the baby.
137
371998
2555
06:14
The technician saw a vulva and slapped the words "It's a girl"
138
374577
3389
06:17
on the screen and gave us a copy and sent us on our way.
139
377990
2908
06:21
We shared the photo with our families like everyone does
140
381411
2650
06:24
and soon after, my mom showed up at our house with a bag filled --
141
384085
3103
06:27
I'm not exaggerating,
142
387212
1302
06:28
it was like this high and it was filled, overflowing with pink clothes and toys.
143
388538
5176
06:35
Now I was a little annoyed to be confronted with a lot of pink things,
144
395014
3304
06:38
and having studied gender
145
398362
1295
06:39
and spent countless hours teaching about it in workshops and classrooms,
146
399681
3627
06:43
I thought I was pretty well versed on the social construction of gender
147
403332
3348
06:46
and how sexism is a devaluing of the feminine
148
406704
2516
06:49
and how it manifests both explicitly and implicitly.
149
409244
3011
06:52
But this situation, this aversion to a bag full of pink stuff,
150
412883
4421
06:57
forced me to explore my rejection of highly feminized things
151
417328
3293
07:00
in my child's world.
152
420645
1334
07:03
I realized that I was reinforcing sexism
153
423466
2198
07:05
and the cultural norms I teach as problematic.
154
425688
2571
07:08
No matter how much I believed in gender neutrality in theory,
155
428657
3218
07:11
in practice, the absence of femininity is not neutrality, it's masculinity.
156
431899
5408
07:18
If I only dress my baby in greens and blues and grays,
157
438296
2821
07:21
the outside world doesn't think, "Oh, that's a cute gender-neutral baby."
158
441141
3738
07:25
They think, "Oh, what a cute boy."
159
445379
2267
07:28
So my theoretical understanding of gender and my parenting world collided hard.
160
448537
3715
07:32
Yes, I want a diversity of colors and toys for my child to experience.
161
452720
3595
07:36
I want a balanced environment for her to explore
162
456339
2239
07:38
and make sense of in her own way.
163
458602
1578
07:40
We even picked a gender-neutral name for our female-born child.
164
460204
3040
07:43
But gender neutrality is much easier as a theoretical endeavor
165
463268
3420
07:46
than it is as a practice.
166
466712
1498
07:48
And in my attempts to create gender neutrality,
167
468767
2576
07:51
I was inadvertently privileging masculinity over femininity.
168
471367
3496
07:55
So, rather than toning down or eliminating femininity in our lives,
169
475398
3429
07:58
we make a concerted effort to celebrate it.
170
478851
2205
08:01
We have pinks among the variety of colors,
171
481080
2675
08:03
we balance out the cutes with handsomes
172
483779
1858
08:05
and the prettys with strongs and smarts
173
485661
1876
08:07
and work really hard not to associate any words with gender.
174
487561
2992
08:10
We value femininity and masculinity
175
490577
2540
08:13
while also being highly critical of it.
176
493141
1983
08:15
And do our best to not make her feel limited by gender roles.
177
495148
3338
08:18
And we do all this in hopes
178
498879
1425
08:20
that we model a healthy and empowered relationship with gender for our kid.
179
500328
3594
08:25
Now this work to develop a healthy relationship with gender for Elliot
180
505490
3357
08:28
made me rethink and evaluate how I allowed sexism to manifest
181
508871
2865
08:31
in my own gender identity.
182
511760
1503
08:33
I began to reevaluate how I was rejecting femininity
183
513768
2635
08:36
in order to live up to a masculinity that was not healthy
184
516427
2698
08:39
or something I wanted to pass on.
185
519149
1801
08:41
Doing this self-work meant I had to reject option one.
186
521839
2952
08:44
I couldn't ignore and move on.
187
524815
1810
08:46
I had to choose option two.
188
526649
1706
08:48
I had to engage with some of my most uncomfortable parts
189
528895
2666
08:51
to move towards my most authentic self.
190
531585
1882
08:53
And that meant I had to get real about the discomfort I have with my body.
191
533491
3791
08:58
It's pretty common for trans people to feel uncomfortable in their body,
192
538460
3627
09:02
and this discomfort can range from debilitating to annoying
193
542111
2762
09:04
and everywhere in between.
194
544897
1325
09:06
And learning my body and how to be comfortable in it as a trans person
195
546246
3299
09:09
has been a lifelong journey.
196
549569
1667
09:11
I've always struggled with the parts of my body
197
551260
2198
09:13
that can be defined as more feminine --
198
553482
1889
09:15
my chest, my hips, my voice.
199
555395
2252
09:17
And I've made the sometimes hard, sometimes easy decision
200
557997
2667
09:20
to not take hormones or have any surgeries to change it
201
560688
2937
09:23
to make myself more masculine by society's standards.
202
563649
2721
09:27
And while I certainly haven't overcome all the feelings of dissatisfaction,
203
567276
3547
09:30
I realized that by not engaging with that discomfort
204
570847
2452
09:33
and coming to a positive and affirming place with my body,
205
573323
2723
09:36
I was reinforcing sexism, transphobia and modeling body shaming.
206
576070
3817
09:40
If I hate my body,
207
580823
1397
09:42
in particular, the parts society deems feminine or female,
208
582244
3214
09:45
I potentially damage how my kid can see the possibilities of her body
209
585482
3619
09:49
and her feminine and female parts.
210
589125
2111
09:51
If I hate or am uncomfortable with my body,
211
591653
2444
09:54
how can I expect my kid to love hers?
212
594121
2032
09:57
Now it would be easier for me to choose option one:
213
597517
2849
10:01
to ignore my kid when she asks me about my body or to hide it from her.
214
601077
3508
10:04
But I have to choose option two every day.
215
604609
2800
10:07
I have to confront my own assumptions about what a dad's body can and should be.
216
607760
4103
10:11
So I work every day to try and be more comfortable in this body
217
611887
3111
10:15
and in the ways I express femininity.
218
615022
1905
10:17
So I talk about it more,
219
617284
1492
10:18
I explore the depths of this discomfort
220
618800
1892
10:20
and find language that I feel comfortable with.
221
620716
2242
10:22
And this daily discomfort helps me build both agency and authenticity
222
622982
3254
10:26
in how I show up in my body and in my gender.
223
626260
2142
10:28
I'm working against limiting myself.
224
628982
2143
10:31
I want to show her that a dad can have hips,
225
631149
2103
10:33
a dad doesn't have to have a perfectly flat chest
226
633276
2365
10:35
or even be able to grow facial hair.
227
635665
1928
10:38
And when she's developmentally able to,
228
638291
1858
10:40
I want to talk to her about my journey with my body.
229
640173
2452
10:42
I want her to see my journey towards authenticity
230
642649
2334
10:45
even when it means showing her the messier parts.
231
645007
2840
10:49
We have a wonderful pediatrician
232
649346
1627
10:50
and have established a good relationship with our kid's doctor.
233
650997
2961
10:53
And as you all know, while your doctor stays the same,
234
653982
2539
10:56
your nurses and nurse practitioners change in and out.
235
656545
2715
10:59
And when Elliot was first born, we took her to the pediatrician
236
659284
2992
11:02
and we met our first nurse -- we'll call her Sarah.
237
662300
2381
11:04
Very early in in our time with Sarah,
238
664705
2000
11:06
we told her how I was going to be called "dad"
239
666729
2143
11:08
and my partner is "mama."
240
668896
1427
11:10
Sarah was one of those folks that took it in stride,
241
670347
2435
11:12
and our subsequent visits went pretty smoothly.
242
672796
2210
11:15
And about a year later, Sarah switched shifts
243
675030
2103
11:17
and we started working with a new nurse -- we'll call her Becky.
244
677157
3028
11:20
We didn't get in front of the dad conversations
245
680209
2214
11:22
and it didn't actually come up until Sarah, our original nurse,
246
682447
2993
11:25
walked in to say hi.
247
685464
1224
11:26
Sarah's warm and bubbly and said hi to Elliot and me and my wife
248
686712
3001
11:29
and when talking to Elliot said something like,
249
689737
2206
11:31
"Is your daddy holding your toy?"
250
691967
1753
11:33
Now out of the corner of my eye,
251
693744
1635
11:35
I could see Becky swing around in her chair
252
695403
2056
11:37
and make daggers at Sarah.
253
697483
1733
11:40
And as the conversation shifted to our pediatrician,
254
700244
2444
11:42
I saw Sarah and Becky's interaction continue, and it went something like this.
255
702712
3698
11:46
Becky, shaking her head "no" and mouthing the word "mom."
256
706434
3978
11:50
Sarah, shaking her head "no" and mouthing the word "no, dad."
257
710902
4397
11:55
(Laughter)
258
715323
1540
11:57
Awkward, right?
259
717657
1150
11:58
So this went back and forth in total silence a few more times
260
718831
2881
12:01
until we walked away.
261
721736
1400
12:03
Now, this interaction has stuck with me.
262
723617
2024
12:05
Sarah could have chosen option one,
263
725665
2150
12:07
ignored Becky, and let her refer to me as mom.
264
727839
3067
12:11
It would have been easier for Sarah.
265
731228
2024
12:13
She could have put the responsibility back on me or not said anything at all.
266
733276
3634
12:16
But in that moment, she chose option two.
267
736934
2579
12:19
She chose to confront the assumptions and affirm my existence.
268
739815
3172
12:23
She insisted that a person who looks and sounds like me
269
743356
2627
12:26
can in fact be a dad.
270
746007
1254
12:27
And in a small but meaningful way,
271
747285
1793
12:29
advocated for me, my authenticity and my family.
272
749102
3357
12:33
Unfortunately, we live in a world that refuses to acknowledge trans people
273
753962
4469
12:38
and the diversity of trans people in general.
274
758455
2840
12:41
And my hope is that when confronted with an opportunity
275
761760
2666
12:44
to stand up for someone else,
276
764450
1810
12:46
we all take action like Sarah, even when there's risk involved.
277
766284
3126
12:50
So some days, the risk of being a genderqueer dad feels too much.
278
770608
4203
12:55
And deciding to be a dad has been really hard.
279
775244
2269
12:57
And I'm sure it will continue to be the hardest,
280
777878
2247
13:00
yet the most rewarding experience of my life.
281
780149
2150
13:02
But despite this challenge, every day has felt 100 percent worth it.
282
782617
3687
13:06
So each day I affirm my promise to Elliot
283
786815
2738
13:09
and that same promise to myself.
284
789577
2134
13:12
To love her and myself hard
285
792045
2413
13:14
with forgiveness and compassion,
286
794482
2032
13:16
with tough love and with generosity.
287
796538
2400
13:19
To give room for growth, to push beyond comfort
288
799466
3087
13:22
in hopes of attaining and living a more meaningful life.
289
802577
2746
13:26
I know in my head and in my heart
290
806306
1652
13:27
that there are hard and painful and uncomfortable days ahead.
291
807982
3285
13:31
My head and my heart also know
292
811291
1440
13:32
that all of it will lead to a more rich, authentic life
293
812755
2911
13:35
that I can look back on without regrets.
294
815690
2556
13:38
Thank you.
295
818270
1150
13:39
(Applause)
296
819444
3175
About this website

This site will introduce you to YouTube videos that are useful for learning English. You will see English lessons taught by top-notch teachers from around the world. Double-click on the English subtitles displayed on each video page to play the video from there. The subtitles scroll in sync with the video playback. If you have any comments or requests, please contact us using this contact form.

https://forms.gle/WvT1wiN1qDtmnspy7