Should you care what your parents think?

655,666 views ・ 2022-10-04

TED-Ed


Please double-click on the English subtitles below to play the video.

00:08
If I told you not to press this big red button,
0
8588
4880
00:14
what would you do?
1
14552
1293
00:16
For many people, there’s no greater motivation to do something
2
16345
3629
00:19
than being told they can’t.
3
19974
2127
00:22
So, what is it about being told “no” that triggers this response?
4
22351
5715
00:29
One of the most enduring explanations for this behavior
5
29067
3420
00:32
is what psychologists call reactance theory.
6
32487
3670
00:36
Reactance is a motivational state that occurs
7
36741
3420
00:40
when people feel their freedom is being threatened,
8
40161
3170
00:43
and it compels them to take actions they see as restoring that freedom.
9
43456
4796
00:48
Sometimes this emerges as general frustration or direct argument,
10
48795
4713
00:53
but the most straightforward response
11
53508
2127
00:55
is to simply do the thing they were told not to.
12
55635
3503
00:59
This behavior plays out in public spaces,
13
59722
2628
01:02
like when people ignore health campaigns they perceive as overbearing,
14
62350
3754
01:06
and in private spaces, like parent-child relationships.
15
66104
4004
01:10
However, there are situations where something being forbidden
16
70233
4129
01:14
actually makes it less tempting.
17
74362
2586
01:17
In 1972, psychologists at the University of Colorado
18
77782
4671
01:22
wanted to know if a romantic relationship facing parental disapproval
19
82453
4922
01:27
was more likely to strengthen or crumble under the pressure.
20
87375
4129
01:32
To answer this question, they surveyed 140 couples,
21
92004
4171
01:36
varying widely in measures of happiness,
22
96259
2460
01:38
but all fairly serious in terms of commitment.
23
98803
3086
01:42
Only some couples reported perceived parental opposition to their relationship
24
102640
4796
01:47
over the study’s six-month period.
25
107436
2086
01:49
But those that did also reported a steady increase in love for one another.
26
109730
5464
01:55
The researchers named this trend the Romeo and Juliet Effect
27
115862
4629
02:00
after literature’s most famous forbidden lovers
28
120491
2920
02:03
and concluded that the results were largely motivated by reactance.
29
123536
4087
02:07
But in the decades since this publication,
30
127707
2586
02:10
most follow-up studies have suggested the opposite is true.
31
130418
4171
02:15
In fact, the long-term success of a romantic relationship
32
135548
3754
02:19
can be predicted by the perceived approval or disapproval
33
139302
4212
02:23
of the couple’s friends and family.
34
143514
2127
02:26
This trend is known as the Social Network Effect.
35
146267
4296
02:31
So why doesn’t reactance win out over the Social Network Effect?
36
151272
4504
02:36
You might think it’s because we value our existing relationships
37
156027
3170
02:39
over our potential relationships.
38
159197
2544
02:41
But in most cases, disapproving friends and family
39
161741
3753
02:45
are just voicing negative opinions or passively not supporting a relationship.
40
165494
4922
02:50
It’s rarely a dramatic choice of us or them.
41
170750
3503
02:54
And when it comes to parents,
42
174545
1627
02:56
most people with good relationships with their parents
43
176172
2586
02:58
feel they can ignore their parent’s advice without serious consequences,
44
178758
4629
03:03
while people with bad parental relationships
45
183679
2628
03:06
often don’t care what they think anyway.
46
186307
2586
03:09
So if disapproved relationships are more likely to fail,
47
189393
3671
03:13
does this mean we’re not willing to fight to date who we want?
48
193397
3212
03:17
Well, it might vary from person to person.
49
197109
3170
03:20
One theory is that there’s actually two types of reactance:
50
200738
4213
03:24
defiant reactance, which is impulsively doing the opposite of what we’re told,
51
204951
4462
03:29
and independent reactance, which reflects our deeper desire to make our own choices.
52
209580
6048
03:35
For example, if you tell someone with high defiant reactance to lower their voice,
53
215920
5839
03:41
they’ll probably start shouting.
54
221759
1919
03:44
Whereas someone with high independent reactance is more likely
55
224387
3753
03:48
to simply ignore the request and do what they believe is appropriate.
56
228140
4338
03:53
So when it comes to relationship disapproval,
57
233271
2877
03:56
a defiant person might respond by pursuing their romance in secret,
58
236148
4630
04:00
but that doesn’t change how the group’s opinion
59
240987
2377
04:03
negatively impacts their relationship.
60
243364
2502
04:06
Conversely, someone with a particularly independent personality might be capable
61
246993
5588
04:12
of ignoring their friends’ concerns and loving whomever they want.
62
252581
3963
04:18
The idea of defiant and independent reactance is fairly new,
63
258087
4504
04:22
and researchers are still working to uncover all the motivations
64
262800
3295
04:26
behind the Social Network Effect.
65
266095
2336
04:28
But these theories help illuminate the important relationship
66
268848
3170
04:32
between reactance and our competing needs for independence and inclusion.
67
272018
5130
04:37
How we balance these desires varies across individuals and cultures.
68
277898
5005
04:43
But no matter how prone to reactance we may be,
69
283112
3420
04:46
our social networks are vital to our sense of identity and well-being.
70
286532
5130
04:52
This is especially true in our romantic relationships.
71
292580
3920
04:56
Studies have found that support from a few close companions
72
296709
3962
05:00
can help buffer against disapproval from others.
73
300671
3253
05:04
And most relationships do better once the individuals involved
74
304091
3337
05:07
find supportive social networks.
75
307428
2502
05:10
This outcome might not seem as romantic as a forbidden love affair,
76
310264
4171
05:14
but it’s actually in keeping with the story of Romeo and Juliet,
77
314685
4254
05:19
whose embattled relationship couldn't endure the threats of extreme disapproval.
78
319231
5923
About this website

This site will introduce you to YouTube videos that are useful for learning English. You will see English lessons taught by top-notch teachers from around the world. Double-click on the English subtitles displayed on each video page to play the video from there. The subtitles scroll in sync with the video playback. If you have any comments or requests, please contact us using this contact form.

https://forms.gle/WvT1wiN1qDtmnspy7