How to Do Laundry When You're Depressed | KC Davis | TED

翻译人员: Yip Yan Yeung 校对人员: Grace Man

Shortly after I published my book,

在我的书出版不久之后，

I got an email.

我收到了一封邮件。

It said,

邮件写道：

"Your book was the only thing that saved me from suicide.

“你的书是 让我放弃自杀的唯一救星。

You saved my life."

你救了我的命。”

Now, for a book about how to clean, that's sort of odd, yeah?

一本教你如何搞卫生的书， 很奇怪，对吧？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But what if a new approach to cleaning

但是，如果这种新的搞卫生方式

could teach us a better approach to treating mental health?

可以让我们学会一种 关爱心理健康的更佳方式呢？

I'm not an interior designer or a lifestyle influencer.

我不是个室内设计师 或者生活方式网红。

I'm just a therapist with ADHD.

我只是个治疗多动症的医师。

And in February of 2020, I had my second baby.

2020 年 2 月， 我生下了第二个宝宝。

Because with the first one, I had some postpartum anxiety

由于生第一个宝宝的时候， 我出现了一些产后焦虑，

and my husband had just taken a very demanding job

而且当时我先生 刚接下了一份很辛苦的工作，

that was going to keep him busy,

让他无暇顾及别的事，

I developed a meticulous postpartum plan for myself.

于是我为自己 精心设计了一份产后计划。

My family would rotate in in shifts for the first 60 days.

我的家人们会在 前 60 天里轮流上岗。

The cleaning crew would come once a month.

清洁人员每个月会来一次。

The new moms group would drop off dinners.

新生妈妈小组会送来餐食。

And my toddler would go to preschool.

我的大宝宝会去上学前班。

I was so proud of this plan,

我对这个计划非常自豪，

and it ended before it even began.

但是还没开始，计划就夭折了。

Because 2020 is when the COVID lockdowns happened

因为 2020 年， 新冠隔离开始了，

and all of that support disappeared overnight.

这些援助一夜间化为泡影。

In a blur, my days turned into breastfeeding difficulties,

我的日子稀里糊涂地充斥着 哺乳困难、

toddler meltdowns and depression.

宝宝撒泼打滚， 还有我的抑郁。

The dishes stayed in the sink for days.

没洗的碗堆在水槽里好几天。

The laundry pile reached impressive heights.

没洗的衣服堆成小山。

And there was often not a path to walk from room to room.

经常把房间之间堵得无路可走。

And when I should have been catching up on sleep,

到该补觉的时候，

I would lay in bed at night and think to myself,

我会晚上躺在床上， 脑海里思考：

"I'm failing.

“我太不合格了。

Maybe I'm not capable of being a good mom to two kids."

也许我没有能力 成为两个孩子的好妈妈。”

I decided to post a joke video on TikTok one day

有一天我决定发一条 搞笑抖音视频，

about my house-turned-disaster.

拍一拍我家一团乱麻的景象。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Some funny shots of my clutter and my dishes

拍我家东一摊西一摊、 一池子碗

and my enchilada pan to a nice beat.

和平底锅的搞笑片段， 配上酷炫的背景音乐。

Sort of a laugh to keep from cry situation, surely.

拍点搞笑的免得眼泪流下来。

And I got a comment.

然后有人给我留言。

"Lazy."

“懒鬼。”

Yeah, that stung.

扎心。

But I must be a glutton for punishment

但是我估计是觉得被骂很爽，

because I kept posting videos about my messy house.

所以还一直在发 我杂乱房间的视频。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Video after video of all of the weird tips and tricks that I was using

在一个个视频里， 我分享了奇怪小贴士和诀窍，

to try and get it back in order

让一切重回整洁，

while managing my feelings of being overwhelmed.

也在帮助我自己不被压垮。

And I braced myself for more criticism.

我让自己强大起来， 经受得住更多的批评。

But what happened was entirely different.

但是后来发生的 与我想象的截然不同。

In the comment sections of my videos,

在我视频的评论区里，

hundreds of stories came rolling in.

上百个故事一拥而入。

Stories like Amanda,

比如阿曼达 （Amanda）的故事，

who, after losing her baby in the second trimester,

她在孕中期失去了她的宝宝，

was standing frozen at her sink

面对水槽呆呆伫立，

because she forgot how to wash dishes.

因为她忘了该怎么洗碗。

Stories like Lula,

比如卢拉（Lula）的故事，

whose chronic health problems and depression

她的慢性疾病和抑郁症

made it difficult for her to brush her teeth.

让她连刷牙都有困难。

Story after story of people with depression, ADHD,

人们患有抑郁症、多动症、

autism, burnout, bereavement,

自闭症、职业倦怠、丧亲之痛，

all struggling with these daily tasks.

他们都挣扎于完成这些日常琐事。

And it might seem odd to some of you

对一些人来说，

that someone could struggle with tasks that are so simple.

有人连这么简单的事都做不到 真是太奇怪了。

But are they simple?

但是，真的简单吗？

Let's think about what really goes into something like laundry.

我们可以想一想 洗衣服有一些什么步骤。

Everyone picture your laundry pile right now, OK?

大家来想象一堆脏衣服。

How many clean clothes do you have left right now?

你还剩多少件干净的衣服？

Can you wash tomorrow, or must it be today?

明天洗可以吗？ 还是今天必须要洗掉？

Do you need to prioritize, presort pre-treat anything?

你需不需要排个序、理一理、 先特别处理一下哪件衣物？

Did you grow up with anybody that taught you how to do that?

在你长大的过程中，有没有人 教过你该怎么做？

家里没洗衣液了，

You're out of laundry detergent,

但是你要打三份工， 那什么时候去店里买呢？

if you work three jobs, when are you going to get to the store next?

你到了店里，买得起洗衣液吗？

If you get there, can you afford it?

买得起洗衣液，那买哪一款呢？

把洗衣液带回家，站在洗衣机前，

And if you can, which one you choose?

得选一个模式。选哪个呢？ 不知道。百度一下。

And you get it all home, get in there,

Now pick a setting. Which one? I don't know. Google it.

加上你记性不太好，

三天以后才想起来 洗了这锅衣服，

By the way, you have memory problems,

衣服已经在洗衣机里发霉了。

so you'll remember that wash in about three days,

when it's mildewed into the washer.

没关系，再洗一遍好了。 然后送入烘干机。

It's OK, just re-wash it, and get it into the dryer.

你又忘了你去烘干了， 于是衣服起皱了。那再烘一遍。

You'll forget that too, and it'll wrinkle. Now dry it again.

Now all you have to do is get it out and fold it.

然后你得把衣服拿出来，叠好。

但是你有三个年幼的孩子。

But also you have three small children.

三个年幼的孩子已经让你很久

And those three small children haven't given you a moment alone

没有独处的时间了。

in quite some time.

等你终于有了独处的时间， 你得决定

When you finally get that moment, you have to decide,

你是要把衣服洗完、 吃个三明治还是打个盹？

are you going to finish the laundry or eat a sandwich or take a nap?

没时间了，你啥也没做， 你直勾勾盯着墙。

Time's up, you didn't do any of it, you stared at the wall.

你已经到了决策疲劳，

You have decision fatigue

因为一个人拉扯一个家的重担 已经让你精疲力竭。

because the burden of carrying a home all by yourself has burnt you out.

You see, for some of you, all of the steps and the skills

对一些人来说， 这些家务的流程和技能

that go into care tasks run on autopilot.

都能自然而然地完成。

But for millions of people, the autopilot is broken.

但是有几百万人 根本做不到这种“自然而然”。

And what's worse, what if you had to do all of that when your mom just died

更糟糕的是，你有可能需要 在你母亲刚刚去世、

or your job just fired you

刚刚被炒鱿鱼、

or you’re using every ounce of strength that you have

或者竭尽每一分力气

to just not kill yourself today?

不让自己自杀的时候 完成这些任务。

If you have access to therapy,

如果你有机会接受心理治疗，

it's unlikely your therapist will ever ask you about your laundry.

你的医生也不太可能会问 你衣服洗得怎么样。

I've worked in mental health for about a decade.

我在心理健康领域 已经从业大约十年。

I've been in therapy even longer,

我从事心理治疗有更长的时间，

and the only time I ever had a provider talk to me

但是我唯一一次听到 一位医生提起

about things like cooking and cleaning and brushing my teeth

做饭、打扫卫生、刷牙，

was when I was in a psych hospital as a teenager.

是在一家精神病院， 那时我还是个孩子。

Yet here were hundreds of thousands of people

但是仍有成千上万的人

in my comment sections telling me

在我的评论区留言告诉我，

that these daily care tasks were a major pain point in their life.

这些日常照料工作就是他们生活中 最大的痛点。

And so I started to wonder, what if we started here?

所以我不禁想到， 我们就从这里开始如何？

What if we started with these care tasks?

我们就从日常家务开始如何？

Could making daily tasks easier improve mental health quicker?

让日常琐事变得更简单 能不能更快地改善心理健康呢？

In the two years that I've been posting and writing

我在过去两年里发表、撰写

about the intersection of mental health and care tasks,

关于心理健康和照料工作的交集，

I've come up with a philosophy that does just this.

由此想出了一个 可以做到这点的想法。

And it all starts with one simple idea.

一切源自一个很简单的点子。

Cooking, cleaning, laundry,

做饭、搞卫生、洗衣服，

it doesn't make you a good person.

这些都不能让你成为一个好人。

Or a bad person.

或者坏人。

Listen to me.

听我说。

Care tasks are morally neutral.

照料工作在道义上是中立的。

Now, I know that if you've been watching Martha Stewart for decades --

如果你看了好多年 玛莎·斯图尔特

（Martha Stewart， 家政女王）的节目，

(Laughter)

（笑声）

and scrolling the perfect Pinterest aesthetic every day,

每天刷一刷 Pinterest 上的美图，

that it can feel like struggling with these tasks is a moral failure.

你会觉得如果自己在这些工作上 有困难就是道德败坏。

Like, it's because we're lazy

都是因为我们懒惰、

or irresponsible or we're immature.

不负责、不成熟。

But having an organized closet doesn't make you a success.

但是，衣柜整洁 不代表你是成功人士。

And living out of a pile of laundry on the floor doesn't make you a failure.

地上堆着一大堆脏衣服 也不代表你是个失败者。

You know where the shirt you want to wear is, it just ...

你知道你想穿的衣服在哪儿， 只是……

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It might take you a bit of sifting to find it.

只是你得挖掘一番把它找出来。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

The truth is, it's not about morality.

事实上这与道德无关。

It's about functionality.

而是和实用性有关。

Does your home work for you?

你家适合你的日常起居吗？

Not some hypothetical houseguest that is coming to inspect your closet.

而不是某个假想的客人 来细细检查你的衣柜。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I mentioned Amanda, who had lost her baby

我刚提到了阿曼达， 她失去了宝宝，

and forgot how to wash dishes.

忘记了如何洗碗。

She told me that when her husband would go to work,

她说她先生去上班的时候，

she would lay on the floor next to the empty crib

她会躺在空空的婴儿床边的地上，

and say to herself,

告诉自己：

"What can I bring to my family if I can't even wash dishes?"

“如果我连碗都洗不了， 我还能为我的家带来什么呢？”

But that changed

但是当她把照料工作 与道德分开看待时，

when she began to see care tasks as morally neutral.

情况就发生了变化。

All of the sudden, the dishes in the sink

一瞬间，水槽里的碗

weren't representations of her failure as a wife,

不再代表她作为一名妻子的失败，

but instead she would look at the pile

她会看着这一大堆碗，

and think to herself, "What do I need to function tomorrow morning?"

问问自己：“我明天早上 需要完成哪些任务？”

And then pull two coffee cups out of the pile to wash.

然后从这堆脏碗里拿出 两个咖啡杯，洗一洗。

She had her coffee the next morning,

第二天早上，她喝了杯咖啡，

and it was a little bit easier to get up off the floor.

已经有点精神从地上爬起来了。

When we liberate ourselves from the idea that we are a good person or a bad person

如果我们将自己从由料理家务判断 是个好人还是坏人的想法中

with care tasks,

解放出来，

we can stop thinking about the right way to do things.

我们就能停止思考 做事的正确方式。

About the way that things should be done,

停止思考该怎么做事，

and instead start thinking about what we can do

而是去思考 在眼前的困难面前，

with our current barriers

我们能做些什么，

to improve our quality of life today.

让我们眼下的生活质量更高。

And this is the fun part.

有趣的部分来了。

Because you get to customize a life that works for you.

因为你可以定制一种 适合你自己的生活。

When Lula realized that her problems with brushing her teeth

当卢拉意识到她没法刷牙的问题

were not moral failings,

并不是道德败坏，

she gained the confidence to speak to her dental hygienist,

她就有了与洗牙师交流的自信，

and together they came up with solutions that work around her barriers.

一起想出克服困难的方法。

She now relies on pre-pasted disposable toothbrushes

她现在会使用 带牙膏的一次性牙刷，

that she keeps in her desk,

放在桌子抽屉里，

floss she keeps in the living room

在客厅放一些牙线

and a no-rinse prescription toothpaste.

和不需要漱口的处方牙膏。

Because by breaking down the component parts of a dental hygiene routine

通过分解牙齿清洁的任务，

and ensuring that each step was accessible to her mental and physical needs,

确保每一步都可以 满足她的心理和身体需求，

for the first time in a year, she's done every step in that routine

她在这一年里第一次 连续两周完成了

for two weeks straight.

牙齿清洁的每一步。

She says that now that her teeth are clean,

她说，现在她的牙齿 清洁干净了，

she's a little less stressed about tomorrow's problems.

对于接下来的问题 就没那么有压力了。

And this approach can work with any care task

这个方法适用于每一项

that you struggle with.

你有困难的日常照料工作。

Simply ask yourself,

就这么问问自己：

"What am I trying to achieve

“我想做到什么？

and how can I achieve it in my way?"

怎么用我自己的方式做到这点？”

In a rare moment of folding clothes ...

我难得叠一下衣服……

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I looked down at the baby onesie that I was folding,

我看了看我正在叠的 宝宝连体衣，

and I thought to myself,

对自己这么想到：

"Why am I folding this?"

“我干嘛叠这个啊？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Baby onesies don't really wrinkle.

宝宝连体衣不怎么会起皱。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And even if they did, nobody cares if a baby's in a wrinkly onesie.

就算它会起皱，也无人在意 宝宝穿着一件皱巴巴的连体衣。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Furthermore, I was probably going to change her

而且说不定在午餐前

four times before lunch.

我还要给她换四次衣服。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

This doesn't need to be folded.

根本不需要叠啊。

I said it out loud

我大声说出了口，

and literally braced myself

让自己振作起来，

for the laundry police?

面对洗衣服警察？

I don't know.

不知道啊。

There are rules to laundry.

洗衣服要守规矩。

But for the first time,

但是这是我第一次

I stopped thinking about the way that laundry should be done.

停止思考该怎么洗衣服。

And instead, started thinking

而是开始思考

about how I could make laundry functional for me.

如何让洗衣服服务于我。

And I looked down at the fleece pajamas

我看了看毛绒睡衣、

and the underwear and the athletic shorts

内裤、运动短裤、

and the tank tops

背心，

and realized almost none of my clothes actually needed to be folded.

发现几乎没有一件我的衣服 是需要被叠起来的。

And I haven't folded any of it since.

从那以后我再也没叠过这些衣服。

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼声、掌声）

I moved all of my family's clothes into one closet off the laundry room,

我把家人的衣服都挪到了 洗衣房边上的一个衣柜里，

and now I just toss things into organized bins unfolded.

然后就把衣服叠都不叠地 丢进一个个筐里。

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼声、掌声）

My new motto is: “Good enough is perfect.”

我的新座右铭是： “不错就是完美。”

(Laughter and applause)

（笑声、掌声）

And everything worth doing is worth doing half-assed.

该做的事情随便做做就得了。

(Laughter and applause)

（笑声、掌声）

You have to give yourself permission to do a little.

你得允许自己 做一点点就足够了。

To do it with shortcuts.

巧妙地偷偷懒。

To do it while breaking all of the rules.

不守规矩地乱做。

And replace that inner voice that says,

不要再对自己说：

“I’m failing,”

“我做得不够好”，

with one that says, "I'm having a hard time right now.

而是说： “我现在遇到了点困难。

And people who are having a hard time deserve compassion."

遇到困难的人值得别人同情。”

If it's too hard to shower today,

如果今天没精力洗澡，

grab the baby wipes.

就拿宝宝湿巾擦一擦。

It may not be the normal way to do it,

虽然这不是正常的做法，

but you deserve to be clean.

但是你把自己弄干净 没有任何错。

If it's too hard to cook dinner,

如果没精力做饭，

get paper plates,

那就拿个纸盘，

heat up something frozen.

热一热速冻食品。

You’ll go back to cooking and washing another day,

你可以改日再做饭洗碗，

but the day is not today.

但不是今天。

And in the meantime,

但是眼下，

you deserve to eat.

你就该填饱肚子。

If you're too depressed to do your dishes,

如果你很抑郁，不想洗碗，

get a two-gallon Ziploc bag and keep it in your bedroom.

那就拿个两加仑的密封袋， 把它们扔在卧室里。

Because if you put a dirty plate into a two-gallon Ziploc bag and seal it,

因为如果你把脏碗 扔进两加仑的密封袋再封起来，

it will keep the bugs away.

就不会有虫子了。

And it'll be there for you

等你想回到厨房的时候，

when you're ready to go back to the kitchen.

它们还是那样。

Because you deserve a sanitary environment

就算你不想从床上爬起来，

even if you can't get out of bed.

你也配拥有一个卫生的环境。

I could share with you hundreds of other genius solutions

我有几百个天才小妙招 可以与大家分享，

that people have come up with

它们都来源于人们接受了

once they embraced the idea that care tasks are morally neutral.

照料工作与道义无关的这一想法。

In my experience, people will exhibit mind-blowing creativity

根据我的经验，人们在学会

如何与自己宽容地对话时， 会爆发出惊人的创造力。

when they are only taught

how to speak compassionately to themselves.

So what if mental health treatment started here?

心理治疗就从此处开始怎么样？

By shifting the idea of care tasks

不要再把料理家务

as these external measurements of your worthiness

当作衡量你价值的外界量尺，

to just being morally-neutral tasks

而是把它看作与品行无关的任务，

that you can customize to care for yourself.

你可以自行决定该怎么做 给予自己关爱。

Because if it's true

因为如果无论 你在什么家务上有困难，

that regardless of what you struggle with,

you are worthy of a functional space,

你都值得一个实用的空间，

what else might you be worthy of?

你还值得拥有一些 什么别的东西呢？

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause and cheers)

（掌声、欢呼声）