Why You Should Disappoint Your Parents | Desiree Akhavan | TED

翻译人员: Eleanor Luo 校对人员: Alvin Lee

I was five years old when “The Little Mermaid” came out,

《小美人鱼》上映那年，我五岁。

and I was convinced it was a work of genius.

当时我认为这是一部天才之作。

My mother did not agree.

我妈妈却不这么认为。

To be fair, she had a point.

说实话，她有理由这么想。

In the film, the mermaid disobeys her father

电影中，小美人鱼违抗父亲的命令

to chase some guy

去追求一名人类，

and put her entire species at risk.

让自己的同类深陷危险之中。

And to my mom, she was the ungrateful,

在我母亲看来， 小美人鱼是忘恩负义的，

spoiled product of the very worst in American culture.

是美国文化最糟糕的那部分产物。

Mom wanted me to be like Belle, from "Beauty and the Beast."

她希望我可以成为 《美女与野兽》里贝儿那样的人。

And in case you forgot,

假如你们忘记了剧情，

Belle volunteers to replace her father

贝儿为救父亲

as a prisoner to a bloodthirsty beast for the rest of her life.

甘愿一辈子做那个 嗜血如命的野兽的囚犯。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Which, to this day, remains the base level of sacrifice

而这一点，直到现在， 依然是对于一个移民的孩子来说，

expected of you as a child of immigrants.

关于要做出牺牲的最基本要求。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

When does your life get to be your own

什么时候才能为自己而活？

and not your parents' or your community's?

而不为父母或社群而活？

As the daughter of Iranian immigrants,

我的父母是伊朗移民，

I was raised to believe the answer is “never.”

他们从小就教育我， 这“绝不会发生”。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But I would like to argue that the immigrant parents of the world

但我要说的是，全世界的移民父母

might have it wrong.

可能想错了。

In fact, I think you should disappoint your parents.

事实上，你应该让父母失望。

I think that maybe disappointing your parents

我认为，让父母失望

could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

可能会是你做过的最好的事情。

My parents were good, obedient Iranian children.

我的父母从小善良、听话。

Their marriage wasn't arranged, it was introduced

他们那辈是包办婚姻，

and they were married three months after meeting.

见面 3 个月后就结婚了。

He was 26 and she was 19.

当年父亲 26 岁， 母亲 19 岁。

When I was 19,

我 19 岁的时候，

I found myself seated at a table with my parents and their friends

和父母还有他们的朋友坐在桌子前，

when one of them said, "Honestly,

其中一个人说：“说实话，

I would rather my children to have cancer than to be gay.

我宁愿自己的孩子得癌症， 也不希望他是同性恋。

They say to me, 'mama, you are being the homophobia,'

他们会说：‘妈妈， 你这是同性恋恐惧症。’

but what can I say, it is the truth."

但我能说什么，这是事实啊。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And everyone laughed because yeah, it was the truth.

每个人都笑了，因为这的确是事实。

And because none of them would ever have to worry

而且，他们都从来不用担心

about one of their kids being gay.

自己的孩子会成为同性恋。

They had all raised good, obedient Iranian kids

他们都培养了善良、 听话的伊朗孩子，

who would marry other good, obedient Iranian kids.

这些孩子会嫁给其他善良、 听话的伊朗孩子。

I told my parents I was in love with a woman

六年后，我告诉父母

six years after that conversation.

我爱上了一个女人。

I did it with my eyes closed,

我是闭着眼睛说的，

like I was jumping off a skyscraper.

怕得像要从高楼上跳下来。

When my mom's upset, she wants all the information

我妈很生气，她想知道所有细节，

like she is a bad-news detective,

像打探坏消息的侦探一样，

and she's trying to sniff out the even worse betrayal

想发现你在背地里做出的

that you're hiding behind your back.

更可怕的背叛行为。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

My dad is the complete opposite.

我爸却完全相反。

You can tell it's real bad when he goes completely silent.

如果他完全沉默， 就可以知道情况真的很糟糕。

It’s kind of like you flip his “off” switch.

像是把他的开关 “关” 了。

"Why can't you keep your private life private?"

“你为什么不保密自己的私生活？”

is what my brother wanted to know.

这是我哥想知道的。

He was born in Iran and left before he turned one,

他在伊朗出生，不到一岁就离开了，

but those early days managed to infuse him

但是那段时光让他恪守规矩，

with a sense of propriety that's always eluded me.

这种规矩感是我一直无法企及的。

Because I was born in New York,

因为我在纽约出生，

which is why I am an entitled millennial cliché.

这就是为什么 我是个名副其实的千禧一代。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I'm incapable of lying, and it is a character flaw.

我没法撒谎，这是我的性格缺陷。

It's gauche to be so straightforward.

有话直说是一种无礼的表现，

There's no elegance to it.

毫无优雅可言。

Iranians communicate their meaning in the spaces between their words.

伊朗人的交流充满言外之意。

The implications.

都是暗示。

You have to learn a second, silent language.

你必须学会第二种无声的语言。

There’s even a word for it, “tarof,” the art of disingenuous generosity.

这门语言叫做“Tarof”， 是一种客套的语言艺术。

(Laughter and applause)

（笑声和掌声）

I can tell this room knows a thing or two about it.

看来你们都听说过这种语言。

We're raised to keep offering things we don't actually want to offer,

父母从小教育我们要孔融让梨， 但实际上我们并不想让，

and say things that we don't actually mean but must, out of mandatory,

还要求我们必须出于礼貌。

aggressive politeness.

说一些违心的话。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

To this day, when you go to pay for a cab in Iran,

现在，你在伊朗付出租车费时，

They’ll say, “No, no, no, no, no, for you it’s free.

司机会说：“不用了不用了，免费。

You are like a sister, a daughter, a mother to me.

你就像我的姐姐、女儿、母亲。

I could never charge you."

我绝不能收你的钱。”

And then it's your job to convince them to charge you.

你反而要说服他们收下你的钱。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And then once you've convinced them to charge you,

一旦你说服了他们，

你还要跟他们讨价还价，以防被坑。

you need to haggle them down so they don't rip you off.

（笑声）

(Laughter)

Being the child of immigrants is like being born a widow.

移民孩子生来就像是寡妇。

The loss is baked into you.

这种观念根深蒂固。

You grow up intrinsically homesick for a place that you've never known

从小到大， 你渴望到一个陌生的地方，

and that no longer exists the way your family remembers it.

亲人在这个地方不再客套。

Our home was a testament to an Iran locked in time.

伊朗被困在了过去， 我的家庭就是一大证据。

Qajar paintings of uni-browed women playing the sitar

卡扎尔的画作 描绘了弹奏西塔琴的一字眉女性，

and a samovar that took 80 percent of the kitchen island.

茶壶占了厨房岛台八成的面积。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

The music we listened to was Persian, dated

听着过时的波斯语音乐，

and featured way too much electric keyboard.

满满的电子键盘音。

Even the Farsi I was taught to speak is antiquated.

连我学的波斯语也已经过时了。

I say, "May your hands not hurt" when all I want to say is "thanks."

我说，“愿你的双手不会受伤”， 其实我只是想说“谢谢”。

We didn't go tailgating,

我们不参加车尾派对，

we went to “mehmoonies,”

只参加“mehmoonies”，

parties where there were no fewer than 50 guests,

这种派对通常 不会少于 50 个人，

dinner was never served before 11

晚上 11 点前你别想吃到晚餐，

and you danced so hard, you left with pit stains.

你因为跳舞太猛，留下汗渍。

Being Iranian in the diaspora means gossip as your love language.

生活在异国的伊朗人热衷于聊八卦。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We dig into the messiest details of everyone's lives

我们深剖每个人生活的细节，

not because we're assholes, but because we care.

不是因为我们很八卦， 而是因为我们在乎。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It's bringing the drama.

这让生活充满戏剧性。

Like when I overheard my father planning a party screaming,

比如，我无意中听见 父亲在策划派对时大喊：

"They want kebab, we want filet.

“他们想吃烤肉串， 我们想吃菲力牛排。

This is war and I do not intend to lose."

这是场战争，我不打算输！”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It's being obsessed with status,

这种规则与地位息息相关，

it’s suffocating your ugliest memories

压得令人喘不过气，

and it's built into my bones.

深深扎根在我的骨子里。

How could I have the audacity to break free from the one rule

我何来勇气，摆脱这条规则，

we all silently agreed to follow blindly?

我们所有人都盲目遵循的规则？

The rule that you don't get to make the rules.

这条规则规定，你不能制定规则。

Your parents do.

父母可以制定规则。

There was no precedent to being gay and Iranian.

从来没有伊朗人是同性恋。

So claiming it for myself felt ridiculous,

所以，宣称自己出柜的感觉很荒谬，

like I was coming out as a leprechaun.

如同承认自己是妖精。

In fact, the president of Iran at that time, Ahmadinejad,

事实上，当时的伊朗总统 艾哈迈迪-内贾德

had publicly announced,

曾公开宣布：

“In my country, we don’t have homosexuals.”

“我们的国家没有同性恋者。”

He just failed to mention that that might have something to do

他只是没有提到

with the fact that homosexuality is punishable by death.

这也许跟同性恋可被判处死刑有关。

But the moment that I brought the worst shame imaginable onto my family,

但是，在我认为我会让家人 蒙受巨大耻辱的那一刻，

something incredible happened.

不可思议的事情发生了。

Do you know what is scary

你知道

after destroying the hopes and dreams of the people that you love the most,

在摧毁了你最爱的 父母亲的希望和梦想之后

the people that created you?

什么是最可怕的吗？

Literally nothing.

答案是“没有”。

In the wake of losing my family,

当我意识到自己失去家人之后，

I lost my fear.

我也失去了恐惧感。

I had no idea that fear had been driving my life up until that point.

在那之前，我没有意识到 恐惧一直在推动着我的生活。

Fear of being strange, wrong, ugly, bad.

我害怕自己变怪、 犯错、出丑、堕落。

I was always so afraid I was embarrassing myself.

我一直很害怕这会让自己尴尬。

But from the moment I came out, none of that really mattered anymore.

但是从我出柜的那一刻起， 这些都不重要了。

There was no way to out-shame myself.

我不会感到更加羞耻。

So as we stopped talking, I started writing.

所以跟父母停止说话后， 我开始写作。

I'd wanted to be a filmmaker since I was nine years old

我从 9 岁起就想成为 一名电影制片人，

and wrote my first script.

写出了我的第一部剧本。

It was a sketch comedy show that featured a fake advert

一部小品喜剧作品 ， 讲的是一则虚假广告，

for a product called “Vomelet,

产品名为“呕蛋卷”，

the omelet made of vomit.”

由呕吐物制成的煎蛋卷。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I'd been desperate to find my voice ever since,

从那以后， 我迫切希望找到自己的风格。

but I was always writing at arms length from myself.

但我写作时总与 真实的自己保持一定距离。

After I came out,

出柜后，

there was no reason to hold back, so I didn't.

我没有理由继续退缩， 所以开始大胆地干。

I co-created a web series with my girlfriend at the time.

当时我和我的女友 共同创作了一部网络连续剧。

It was about a pair of superficial, homophobic lesbians,

讲的是一对肤浅的、 仇视同性恋的女同性恋者。

and for the first time in my life,

这是我有生以来第一部

my work started speaking to other people.

与他人进行交流的作品。

I let go of my idea of good

我放弃了自己对“好”的定义，

and trying to fit into other people's notion of good,

不再试图迎合其他人 对“好”的概念，

and I ended up finding my own.

结果我找到了属于自己的定义。

之后，我自编、自导、 自演了我的第一部电影，

After that, I wrote, directed, and starred in my first film,

which explored themes of being a self-indulgent,

这部电影探讨了 身为一个沉溺于自我，

closeted Iranian millennial cliché.

未出柜的典型伊朗千禧一代的主题。

That film premiered at Sundance.

那部电影在圣丹斯电影节上首映。

My next film won Sundance.

我的下一部电影 在圣丹斯电影节上获奖了。

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼和掌声）

Eventually, my parents realized that being gay wasn't a death sentence,

最终我的父母意识到 同性恋并不意味着死刑，

and we found each other.

我们开始理解彼此。

But on new terms.

但是建立新的基础之上。

They are the heart of me.

他们是我的核心。

They built me.

他们塑造了我。

But they don't get to determine the rules of my life.

但他们不能决定我的人生规则。

Nobody does.

没有人可以决定。

I challenge you to disappoint your parents

我建议你让自己的父母失望，

and to take the rules

审视一下

that they passed down from their own parents,

他们从自己的父母那里 传承下来的规则，

and ask if those are rules that you would choose for yourself.

询问自己是否真的 想要遵循这些规则。

I challenge you to be a little more honest and a little less obedient.

我建议你更诚实一点，少听话。

Not just with your parents, but with the world.

不只是对父母，也对这个世界。

My mother's high school yearbook quote says

我母亲在高中年鉴中说：

"One should live life like a duck.

“一个人应该像鸭子一样生活。

Calm and serene on the surface,

表面看似优雅，

but paddling like hell underneath."

其实底下在拼命挣扎。”

I beg to differ.

我不同意这个观点。

Calm and serene is for other people's benefit.

优雅是做给别人看的。

The paddling, it turns out, is the good bit.

底下的拼命挣扎才是重要的部分。

The paddling is what it is to be alive.

这才是活着的本质。

I once overheard my father tell someone,

我无意中听见父亲告诉别人：

"I knew I had two choices.

“我知道我有两个选择。

Get over it or lose my daughter."

要么克服它，要么失去我的女儿。”

I faced a similar choice.

我面临着类似的选择。

Live life according to my own standards

按照我自己的标准生活，

and risk losing my family,

冒着失去家人的风险，

or live according to their rules

或者按照他们的规则生活，

and never get the opportunity to meet myself.

永远没有机会认识真正的自己。

I took a calculated risk.

我冒险赌了一把。

And against all odds, I won.

尽管困难重重，我还是赢了。

Thank you.

谢谢大家。

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼和掌声）