Why You Should Disappoint Your Parents | Desiree Akhavan | TED

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: 麗玲 辛

I was five years old when “The Little Mermaid” came out,

《小美人魚》推出時，我五歲，

and I was convinced it was a work of genius.

我深信它是天才傑作。

My mother did not agree.

我媽媽不認同。

To be fair, she had a point.

公平說，她是有理的。

In the film, the mermaid disobeys her father

在電影中，小美人魚違抗她的父親，

to chase some guy

去追某個傢伙，

and put her entire species at risk.

讓她的整個物種面臨風險。

And to my mom, she was the ungrateful,

對我媽而言，她代表的是美國 文化中最糟糕的產物，

spoiled product of the very worst in American culture.

被寵壞又不知感恩。

Mom wanted me to be like Belle, from "Beauty and the Beast."

媽媽希望我仿效的是 《美女與野獸》中的貝兒。

And in case you forgot,

如果各位忘了，

Belle volunteers to replace her father

貝兒自願代替她的父親，

as a prisoner to a bloodthirsty beast for the rest of her life.

成為一隻嗜血野獸的囚犯，

這樣度過餘生。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Which, to this day, remains the base level of sacrifice

至今，這仍然是移民家庭中

父母期待孩子做到的基本犧牲。

expected of you as a child of immigrants.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

When does your life get to be your own

何時開始，你的人生才屬於你自己，

and not your parents' or your community's?

而不是你父母或你所屬的群體？

As the daughter of Iranian immigrants,

我的父母都是伊朗移民，

I was raised to believe the answer is “never.”

成長過程中，我被教導的 答案是「沒有這一天」。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But I would like to argue that the immigrant parents of the world

但我想爭辯的是，世界上的移民父母

might have it wrong.

可能搞錯了。

In fact, I think you should disappoint your parents.

事實上，我認為你們 應該讓你們的父母失望。

I think that maybe disappointing your parents

我認為，也許，

讓你們的父母失望可能會是 發生在你們身上最棒的事。

could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

My parents were good, obedient Iranian children.

我的父母是聽話的伊朗好孩子。

Their marriage wasn't arranged, it was introduced

他們的婚姻不是安排的， 是媒人介紹的，

and they were married three months after meeting.

他們在見面後三個月就結婚了。

He was 26 and she was 19.

當時他二十六歲，她十九歲。

When I was 19,

我十九歲時，

我和我的父母 及他們的朋友同桌而坐，

I found myself seated at a table with my parents and their friends

when one of them said, "Honestly,

其中一人說：「老實說，

I would rather my children to have cancer than to be gay.

我寧願我的孩子得癌症 也不要是同性戀。

They say to me, 'mama, you are being the homophobia,'

他們對我說：『媽媽， 你是在恐同』，

but what can I say, it is the truth."

但我能說什麼，事實就是如此。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And everyone laughed because yeah, it was the truth.

大家都笑了，因為， 是的，事實就是如此。

And because none of them would ever have to worry

且因為他們全都不需要擔心 自己的孩子是同性戀。

about one of their kids being gay.

They had all raised good, obedient Iranian kids

他們養育的都是聽話的伊朗好孩子，

who would marry other good, obedient Iranian kids.

他們會和其他聽話的 伊朗好孩子結婚。

I told my parents I was in love with a woman

那次談話的六年後，我告訴 我的父母我愛上了一個女人。

six years after that conversation.

I did it with my eyes closed,

我是閉著眼睛講的，

like I was jumping off a skyscraper.

好像我要從摩天大樓跳下來一樣。

When my mom's upset, she wants all the information

當我媽心煩意亂時， 她會要得到所有資訊，

like she is a bad-news detective,

好像她是壞消息偵探似的，

and she's trying to sniff out the even worse betrayal

且她會試圖嗅出你背後 藏著什麼更糟糕的背叛。

that you're hiding behind your back.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

My dad is the complete opposite.

我爸則完全相反。

You can tell it's real bad when he goes completely silent.

當他不發一語時， 你就知道很不妙了。

It’s kind of like you flip his “off” switch.

就彷彿你打開了他的 「關閉」開關一樣。

"Why can't you keep your private life private?"

「你為什麼不能把你的 私生活保持私密就好？」

is what my brother wanted to know.

這是我哥哥想知道的。

He was born in Iran and left before he turned one,

他在伊朗出生，在一歲之前離開，

but those early days managed to infuse him

但那些早期的日子還是有辦法灌輸他

一種我難以理解的得體感。

with a sense of propriety that's always eluded me.

Because I was born in New York,

因為我在紐約出生，

which is why I am an entitled millennial cliché.

這就是為什麼我是個 很有資格的典型千禧世代。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I'm incapable of lying, and it is a character flaw.

我無法說謊，那是種性格缺陷。

It's gauche to be so straightforward.

這麼直接是很不圓融的。 一點也不優雅。

There's no elegance to it.

Iranians communicate their meaning in the spaces between their words.

伊朗人用字詞之間的空間 來傳達他們的意涵。

The implications.

言外之意。

You have to learn a second, silent language.

你必須學會第二種無聲的語言。

There’s even a word for it, “tarof,” the art of disingenuous generosity.

它甚至有個專門的詞：「tarof」，

意思是虛情假意的慷慨之道。

(Laughter and applause)

（笑聲和掌聲）

I can tell this room knows a thing or two about it.

我看得出來在座各位對此頗有心得。

We're raised to keep offering things we don't actually want to offer,

我們被教育要不斷給出 我們其實不想給出的東西，

and say things that we don't actually mean but must, out of mandatory,

說出我們非說不可 但違反自己心意的話，

因為要做到強制性的積極禮貌。

aggressive politeness.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

To this day, when you go to pay for a cab in Iran,

至今，在伊朗，當你 要支付計程車車錢時，

They’ll say, “No, no, no, no, no, for you it’s free.

他們會說：「不，不， 不，你有免費的待遇。

You are like a sister, a daughter, a mother to me.

你對我來說就像是個 妹妹、女兒、母親。

I could never charge you."

我怎麼可能向你收費。」

And then it's your job to convince them to charge you.

接著你就得花工夫， 說服他們向你收費。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And then once you've convinced them to charge you,

一旦你說服他們收費，你得 跟他們討價還價，才不會被敲竹槓。

you need to haggle them down so they don't rip you off.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Being the child of immigrants is like being born a widow.

身為移民父母的孩子，

就像生出來就是寡婦一樣。

The loss is baked into you.

「失去」本來就是你的一部分。

You grow up intrinsically homesick for a place that you've never known

成長過程中，你內心會為一個 你從未見過的地方感到鄉愁，

and that no longer exists the way your family remembers it.

那個地方已經不再如 你家人記憶中那樣存在。

Our home was a testament to an Iran locked in time.

我們的家是伊朗 被鎖在時間中的證明。

Qajar paintings of uni-browed women playing the sitar

卡扎爾風格畫作－ 單眉女子彈奏西塔琴，

及佔據 80% 廚房中島的煮茶大銅壺。

and a samovar that took 80 percent of the kitchen island.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

The music we listened to was Persian, dated

我們聽的音樂是波斯音樂， 很過時，特色是用太多電子琴。

and featured way too much electric keyboard.

Even the Farsi I was taught to speak is antiquated.

連我學會說的波斯語也很古老。

I say, "May your hands not hurt" when all I want to say is "thanks."

當我想說的只是「謝謝」時， 我要說「願你的手不會痛」。

We didn't go tailgating,

我們沒有車尾派對， 我們的是「mehmoonies」，

we went to “mehmoonies,”

parties where there were no fewer than 50 guests,

這種派對的客人至少有五十位，

dinner was never served before 11

十一點前不會上晚餐。

and you danced so hard, you left with pit stains.

你要賣力跳舞， 跳到離開時全身汗漬。

Being Iranian in the diaspora means gossip as your love language.

身為流落他鄉的伊朗人， 八卦是你的愛的語言。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

We dig into the messiest details of everyone's lives

我們會去挖每個人生活中 最亂糟糟的細節，

not because we're assholes, but because we care.

不是因為我們很渾蛋， 而是因為我們關心。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It's bringing the drama.

這會帶來戲劇性。

Like when I overheard my father planning a party screaming,

比如，我曾聽到我父親在規劃 派對時大叫：「他們想要烤肉串，

"They want kebab, we want filet.

我們想要牛排。這是場戰爭， 且我不打算輸。」

This is war and I do not intend to lose."

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It's being obsessed with status,

這是對地位的沉迷。

it’s suffocating your ugliest memories

這是扼抑你最醜陋的記憶， 且這深植在我體內。

and it's built into my bones.

How could I have the audacity to break free from the one rule

我怎麼有膽量擺脫們所有人 都默默盲目遵從的一條規則？

we all silently agreed to follow blindly?

The rule that you don't get to make the rules.

這條規則是：你不能制訂規則。

Your parents do.

你的父母才能。

There was no precedent to being gay and Iranian.

沒有任何同性戀伊朗人的先例存在。

So claiming it for myself felt ridiculous,

所以我自己做出 這樣的聲明感覺很荒謬，

like I was coming out as a leprechaun.

就好像我公開承認 我是個小妖精一樣。

In fact, the president of Iran at that time, Ahmadinejad,

事實上，當時的伊朗總統 阿赫瑪迪內賈德公開宣佈：

had publicly announced,

「在我的國家，我們沒有同性戀。」

“In my country, we don’t have homosexuals.”

He just failed to mention that that might have something to do

他只是沒提到這可能與 同性戀會被判處死刑有關。

with the fact that homosexuality is punishable by death.

But the moment that I brought the worst shame imaginable onto my family,

但，就在我把最糟糕的 恥辱帶給我的家庭時，

something incredible happened.

不可思議的事發生了。

Do you know what is scary

你知道在摧毀了 你最愛的人、創造你的人

after destroying the hopes and dreams of the people that you love the most,

心中的希望和夢想之後， 可怕的是什麼嗎？

the people that created you?

Literally nothing.

沒什麼可怕的。

In the wake of losing my family,

在失去了我的家人之後，

I lost my fear.

我失去了我的恐懼。

I had no idea that fear had been driving my life up until that point.

直到那個時刻，我才知道 恐懼一直在影響我的人生。

Fear of being strange, wrong, ugly, bad.

怕自己顯得奇怪、不對、醜陋、很壞。

I was always so afraid I was embarrassing myself.

我一直都很害怕我在讓自己丟臉。

But from the moment I came out, none of that really mattered anymore.

但從我出櫃的那一刻起， 這些其實都不再重要了。

There was no way to out-shame myself.

不可能讓我再更丟臉了。

So as we stopped talking, I started writing.

我們不說話後，我便開始寫作。

I'd wanted to be a filmmaker since I was nine years old

我從九歲起就想成為電影製作人，

and wrote my first script.

我寫了我的第一個劇本。

It was a sketch comedy show that featured a fake advert

它是一個喜劇短劇，

劇中有個「嘔姆蛋」 產品的虛構廣告，

for a product called “Vomelet,

the omelet made of vomit.”

用嘔吐物做的歐姆蛋。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I'd been desperate to find my voice ever since,

自始以往，我一直 非常渴望找到我的聲音，

but I was always writing at arms length from myself.

但我寫作的內容 總是和我自己有些距離。

After I came out,

我出櫃之後，

there was no reason to hold back, so I didn't.

再也沒有理由有所保留， 所以我就不保留了。

I co-created a web series with my girlfriend at the time.

我和我當時的女朋友 共同創作了一個網絡影集。

It was about a pair of superficial, homophobic lesbians,

內容是關於很膚淺 且恐同的一對女同性戀，

and for the first time in my life,

這是我人生中頭一回， 我的作品開始傳達訊息給別人。

my work started speaking to other people.

I let go of my idea of good

我放掉了我自己對於「好」的觀念，

and trying to fit into other people's notion of good,

也不再試圖配合別人 對於「好」的想法，

and I ended up finding my own.

結果最後，我找到了自己的想法。

那之後，我製作了我的首部電影， 身兼編劇、導演、演員，

After that, I wrote, directed, and starred in my first film,

which explored themes of being a self-indulgent,

探討的主題是身為一名

自我沉溺、隱藏身分的 典型伊朗千禧世代。

closeted Iranian millennial cliché.

That film premiered at Sundance.

這部電影在日舞影展首映。

My next film won Sundance.

我的下一部電影在日舞影展獲獎。

(Cheers and applause)

（歡呼和掌聲）

Eventually, my parents realized that being gay wasn't a death sentence,

最終，

我父母意識到同性戀並不是 死刑，我們找到了彼此。

and we found each other.

But on new terms.

但是是在新的條件下。

They are the heart of me.

他們是我的心。

They built me.

他們塑造了我。

But they don't get to determine the rules of my life.

但他們不能決定我人生的規則。

Nobody does.

沒有人能。

I challenge you to disappoint your parents

我給大家的挑戰是： 讓你們的父母失望，

and to take the rules

並找出他們從他們的父母 那裡一路傳下來的規則，

that they passed down from their own parents,

and ask if those are rules that you would choose for yourself.

然後問：你是否會 為你自己選擇那些規則。

I challenge you to be a little more honest and a little less obedient.

我給大家的挑戰是：更誠實一點，

別那麼聽話。

Not just with your parents, but with the world.

不只是對你的父母， 還有對這個世界。

My mother's high school yearbook quote says

我媽媽的高中畢業紀念冊上有句話說：

"One should live life like a duck.

「過人生應該要像鴨子一樣。

Calm and serene on the surface,

表面上很平靜和寧靜，

but paddling like hell underneath."

但在水面下拼命划水。」

I beg to differ.

我不敢茍同。

Calm and serene is for other people's benefit.

平靜和寧靜是為了別人的益處。

The paddling, it turns out, is the good bit.

事實證明，划水的部分才是好事。

The paddling is what it is to be alive.

划水就是活著的意義。

I once overheard my father tell someone,

我曾經聽到我爸爸跟別人說：

"I knew I had two choices.

「我知道我有兩個選擇：

Get over it or lose my daughter."

接受現實，或者失去我的女兒。」

I faced a similar choice.

我面臨了類似的選擇。

Live life according to my own standards

按照我自己的標準過生活，

and risk losing my family,

風險是會失去我家人，

or live according to their rules

或者按照他們的規則生活， 而永遠沒機會認識我自己。

and never get the opportunity to meet myself.

I took a calculated risk.

計算風險之後，我決定冒險一試。

And against all odds, I won.

突破重重困難，我贏了。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Cheers and applause)

（歡呼和掌聲）