The beauty and complexity of finding common ground | Matt Trombley

Transcriber: Ivana Korom Reviewer: Krystian Aparta

翻译人员: Lu Liu 校对人员: Wanting Zhong

So our story started several years ago,

我们的故事开始于几年前。

when my wife and I got a complaint letter in the mail

我和妻子在邮箱里发现了一封

from an anonymous neighbor.

来自一位匿名邻居的投诉信。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I'll never forget the way my wife transformed before my eyes

我永远不会忘记当时 我妻子是如何在我眼前

from this graceful, peaceful, sweet woman

从一位优雅、恬静、甜美的女人

into just an angry mother grizzly bear whose cubs needed to be protected.

化身成为保护幼崽的 愤怒的灰熊妈妈。

It was intense.

当时的气氛非常紧张。

So here's what happened.

事情是这样的。

This is our family.

这是我们一家人的照片。

This is my wife and I and our five awesome kids.

我和妻子，还有五个可爱的孩子。

We're pretty loud, we're pretty rambunctious,

我们爱吵，我们爱闹，

we're us.

这就是我们。

You'll notice, though, that two of our children

不过你们会发现， 其中的两个孩子

look a little different than Mary and I,

看起来跟我和玛丽有点不一样，

and that's because they came to us through adoption.

那是因为他们是我们领养的孩子。

Our neighbor, though, saw two different-looking children

然而我们的邻居每天都看到

playing outside of our house every day

这两个“与众不同”的孩子 在我们家外面玩耍。

and came to the conclusion

他们因此认为

that we must have been running an illegal day care out of our home.

我们一定是在家里 开了一个非法的日托所。

(Murmuring)

（低语声）

We were really angry to have our children stereotyped like that,

我们的孩子被打上这样刻板的标签 让我们很生气，

but I know that's a relatively minor example of racial profiling.

但我知道这只是 “种族归纳”问题的冰山一角。

But isn't it sometimes what we all tend to do

但有时候，对待那些跟我们想法不同、

with people who think differently,

信仰不同，甚至投票意愿不同的人，

or believe differently or maybe even vote differently?

我们不也都有这么做的倾向吗？

Instead of engaging as true neighbors,

我们并未像真正的邻居那样相处，

we keep our distance

而是与他们保持距离，

and our actions towards those

而我们对他们采取的行为

are guided by who we think sees the world as we do

则取决于他们看待世界的方式

or who we think doesn't.

是否与我们相同。

See, what my neighbor suffered from is a condition called agonism.

我的邻居患了某种被称作 “争胜主义”（Agonism）的症状。

And sometimes we all suffer from the same condition.

有时候，我们都会受到 同样症状的困扰。

It's not a medical condition, but it is contagious.

这不是一种医学疾病， 但却具有传染性。

So let's talk a little bit about what agonism is.

接下来让我们来聊一聊 什么是争胜主义。

My favorite definition of agonism

我最喜欢的 “争胜主义” 的定义是

is taking a warlike stance in contexts that are not literally war.

“在非战争的情况下采取好战的姿态。” [ ——黛博拉·坦纳（Deborah Tannen） ]

Agonism comes from the same Greek root word "agon"

“争胜主义（agonism）” 与 “痛苦（agony）” 这两个词

都源自同一个希腊词根 “agon”。

from which we get "agony."

How very appropriate.

多么合适啊。

We all tend to show symptoms of agonism

当我们坚持两个根深蒂固的信念时，

when we hold on to two deeply held beliefs,

彼此都容易表现出争胜的症状。

first identified by author Rick Warren.

这个说法最早由作家 里克·沃伦（Rick Warren）提出。

The first one is that if love someone,

第一个信念是，如果我们深爱一个人，

we must agree with all they do or believe.

我们就必须赞成 他们所做的或所相信的一切。

And the second is the inverse,

而第二个信念则是相反的：

that if we disagree with someone,

如果我们和一个人意见不同，

it must mean that we fear or we hate them.

那必然意味着我们害怕或者憎恶对方。

Not sure we really recognize the agony this way of thinking brings to us,

不知道我们是否真的意识到了 这种思维方式给我们带来的痛苦：

when our relationships die

由于我们认为无论如何

because we think we have to agree or disagree

都只能在同意与否之间两者择其一，

no matter what.

我们的人际关系必然就会走向破裂。

Think about the conversations we've had around Brexit,

回想一下我们围绕英国脱欧、

or Hong Kong,

香港暴乱、

maybe Israeli settlements or perhaps impeachment.

巴以冲突，或者弹劾案 进行过的对话。

I bet we could all think of at least one personal relationship

我敢打赌，我们都能想到 至少一段私人关系

that's been strained or maybe even ended because of these topics,

因这些话题而变得紧张， 甚至可能完全破裂。

or tragically,

或者更遗憾地，

over a topic much more trivial than those.

因为更加微不足道的话题而决裂。

The cure for agonism is not out of reach.

治愈争胜主义的方法并非遥不可及，

The question is how.

关键在于该怎么做。

So might I suggest two strategies

那么根据我的经验，

that my experience has taught me to start with.

我建议从以下两点策略入手。

First, cultivate common ground,

首先，培养共同点，

which means focusing on what we share.

也就是关注我们共有的东西。

I want you to know I'm using my words very, very deliberately.

我想让大家知道， 我的用词是非常谨慎的。

By "cultivate," I mean we have to intentionally work

我说的 “培养” 是指我们要有意识地

to find common ground with someone.

去努力寻找与他人的共同点，

Just like a farmer works to cultivate the soil.

就像农夫努力耕地一样。

And common ground is a common term,

由于“共同点”是一个常见的词，

so let me at least explain what I don't mean,

所以我要先解释一下我的意思，

which is I don't mean by common ground that we were exact,

我说的“共同点”并不是说 我们要完全相同，

or that we totally agree and approve.

或者完全赞同和认可对方。

All I mean is that we find one unifying thing

而是说，我们发现了一件

that we can have in a relationship in common with another person.

可以让我们在与他人的关系中 找到共同点的事物。

You know, sometimes that one thing is hard to find.

有时候这一件东西是很难找到的。

So I'd like to share a personal story,

所以我想跟大家分享 一个我自己的故事。

but before I do,

但在分享之前，

let me tell you a little bit more about myself.

我想简单介绍一下自己。

I'm Caucasian,

我是高加索人（白种人），

cisgender male,

顺性男，

middle class, evangelical Christian.

中产阶级，福音派基督徒。

And I know, as soon as some of those words came out of my mouth,

我知道，当我说出这些名词的时候，

你们中的一些人 就已经对我有了一些看法。

some of you had some perceptions about me.

And it's OK,

没关系。

I know that not all those perceptions are positive.

我知道并非所有人的看法 都是正面的。

But for those who share my faith,

但我想告诉和我信仰相同的人，

know that I'm about to cut across the grain.

接下来我说的将会违背常理。

And you may tune me out as well.

当然你们可以选择忽略。

So as we go,

接下来，

if you're having a hard time hearing me,

如果你觉得很难理解我说的内容，

I just gently ask that you reflect

那么请稍微反思一下，

and see if you're buying into agonism.

你是否相信 “争胜主义” 这个概念，

If you're rejecting me

是否仅仅因为你与我 看待世界的角度不同，

simply because you think you see the world differently than I do,

就对我加以否定。

because isn't that what we're here talking about?

这不就是我们现在 正在讨论的主题吗？

Alright, ready?

准备好了吗？

So I've been thinking a lot about how to find common ground

我一直在思考 作为一名福音派基督徒，

in the area of gender fluidity,

如何在性别流动的领域中

as an evangelical Christian.

找到共同点。

For Christians like me,

对于像我这样的基督徒而言，

we believe that God created us man and woman.

我们相信，上帝把人类 创造成了男性和女性。

So what do I do?

那么我该怎么做呢？

Do I throw up my hands and say,

我是不是要摊手说：

"I can't have a relationship with anybody who is transgender

“ 我不能和任何一个变性人

or LGBTQIA?"

或者 LGBTQIA（性少数群体）扯上关系？”

No.

不。

That would be giving into agonism.

这么做就等于向争胜主义屈服了。

So I started looking at the foundational aspects of my faith,

于是我开始审视 自己信仰中的基本理念，

the first of which

首先是

is that of the three billion genes that make us human --

造就我们人类的 30 亿个基因——

and by the way, we share 99.9 percent of those genes --

顺便说一下，这些基因中的 99.9％ 是我们共通的——

that I believe those three billion genes are the result of an intelligent designer.

而我相信这 30 亿个基因 是某一位智能设计者的杰作。

And that immediately gives me common ground with anybody.

这个说法让我立刻 找到了和任何人的共同点。

What it also gives me ...

它也同样让我相信……

is the belief that each and every one of us

我们每个人

have been given the right to life

都被同一个智能设计者

by that same intelligent designer.

赋予了生命权。

I dug deeper though.

不过，我又深入思考了一下。

I found that my faith didn't teach me

我发现，我的信仰并没有教我

to start relationships by arguing with somebody

在与他人开始相处时 要不断地争论，

until they believed what I believed,

直到他们相信我所相信的事情，

or I convinced them.

或者直到我说服了他们。

No, it taught me to start relationships

相反，它教我与人相处时，

by loving them as a coequal member of the human race.

要作为平等的人类去爱他们。

Honestly though,

不过老实说，

some who share my faith draw a line

一些和我有同样信仰的人 会定下一条界线，

and refuse to address somebody by their preferred gender pronoun.

并且拒绝采用对方偏好的 性别代名词来称呼他们。

But isn't that believing the lie that in order for me to honor you,

但这不就等于是相信了 “为了尊重你，

I have to give up what I believe?

我必须要放弃我的信仰” 这个谎言吗？

Come back in time with me --

接下来让我们回到过去，

let's say it's 20 years ago,

大概回到二十年前吧。

and Muhammad Ali comes to your doorstep.

穆罕默德·阿里来到你的家门口，

And you open the door.

你打开了门。

Would you address him as Muhammad Ali

你会称呼他为 穆罕默德·阿里（Muhammad Ali）？

or his former name of Cassius Clay?

还是他的曾用名 卡修斯·克莱（Cassius Clay）？

I'm guessing that most of you would say Muhammad Ali.

我猜大多数人都会 叫他穆罕默德·阿里。

And I'm also guessing that most of you

我猜大多数人也不会认为

wouldn't think we'd have to immediately convert to Islam,

只因叫了一声他的名字，

我们就要立马信奉伊斯兰教了吧？

just by using his name.

To honor him would cost me, would cost any of us

尊重他并不会让你我

absolutely nothing,

付出任何代价，

and it would give us the common ground to have a relationship.

反而能让我们找到共同点， 来展开一段人际关系。

And it's the relationship that cures agonism,

能够治愈争胜主义的 正是我们的关系，

not giving up what we believe.

而不是放弃我们的信仰。

So for me to honor my faith,

所以对我来说，尊重自己的信仰

it means rejecting these rigid symptoms of agonism.

就意味着要摈弃这些 争胜主义的死板症状。

Meaning, I can and I will love you.

也就是说，我能爱你，我也会爱你。

I can and I will accept you,

我能接受你，我也会接受你。

and I don't have to buy into the lie

我无需相信

“一旦我做了这些事情， 就必须放弃我的信仰”这样的谎言，

that if I do these things, I have to give up what I believe

or chose to fear and hate you.

也不会选择害怕或憎恨你。

Because I'm focusing on what we have in common.

因为我专注于我们的共同点。

When you can find even the smallest bit of common ground with somebody,

当你找到和他人的共同点时， 哪怕只有一点点，

it allows you to understand just the beautiful wonder

这个共同点都会让你领会到 这个人的美好、

and complexity

复杂

and majesty of the other person.

和威严。

Our second strategy

第二个策略

gives us room to (Inhales)

给我们留出了（吸气）

breathe.

呼吸的空间。

To pause.

让我们停下脚步，

To calm down.

冷静下来，

To have the kind of relationships that cure agonism.

去建立能够治愈争胜主义的人际关系，

And how to keep those relationships alive.

并让这些关系保持鲜活。

Our second strategy is to exchange extravagant grace.

第二种策略是交换奢侈的恩典。

(Laughs)

（笑声）

Once again, I'm not mincing words --

再强调一下，我并不是玩弄文字。

by grace, I don't mean we should all go sign up for ballet,

我说的恩典（优雅） 并不是指去报名芭蕾舞班，

that would be weird.

那会显得很奇怪。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

What I mean is not canceling everything over one mistake.

我的意思是， 不要因为一次错误就否定一切，

Even if that mistake personally offended you.

即使那个错误冒犯到了你个人，

Maybe even deeply.

或许冒犯得很深。

Perhaps Holocaust survivor Corrie ten Boom put it best

我认为二战大屠杀幸存者彭柯丽 （Corrie ten Boom）的形容最为贴切，

when she said,

她说：

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free,

“宽恕就是释放囚徒，

only to realize that prisoner was me."

结果意识到那囚徒 不是别人，正是自己。”

My faith teaches me that we humans will never be perfect,

我的信仰告诉我， 人类永远不可能十全十美，

myself very much included.

当然，我自己也包括在内。

So we need the grace of a savior,

所以，我们需要救世主的恩典，

who for me is Jesus.

对于我来说，这个救世主就是耶稣。

And while I define grace in the context of my faith,

虽然我是根据我的信仰 来定义恩典的，

I know there's a lot of other people who have defined it differently

但是我知道还有很多人

对它有不同的理解和定义。

and in different ways.

One of my favorites is radio broadcaster Oswald Hoffmann, who said,

我最喜欢的一个定义是电台主播 奥斯瓦尔德·霍夫曼（Oswald Hoffmann）所说的：

"Grace is the love that loves the unlovely

“恩典就是去爱那些并不可爱的、

and the unlovable."

不受待见的人。”

And I just love that picture of grace.

我非常喜欢这个恩典的定义方式。

Because I know I am,

因为我知道我是如此，

and maybe a lot of you can think of a time

也许在座的各位 也能想到曾经有某一个时刻，

when we're just pretty dadgum unlovable.

我们很不受人待见。

So it would be the height of hypocrisy,

所以，伪善的极致——

dare I say repulsive to my faith,

我敢说我的信仰最厌弃的，

for me to accept

就是接受上帝无条件的、

the unconditional, unqualified grace and love from God

毫无保留的恩典和爱，

and then turn around

然后回过头来，

and put one precondition on the love I give you.

为我给予你的爱 加上一个前提条件。

What in the world would I be thinking?

我到底在想什么？

And by extravagant, I mean over the top,

我所说的 “奢侈”， 指的是做到极致，

not just checking a box.

而不是最低限度的敷衍。

We can all remember when we were kids

我们都记得小时候，

and our parents forced us to apologize to somebody

父母会强迫我们向别人道歉。

and we walked up to them and said, (Angrily) "I'm sorry."

这时我们会走到他们面前说 （生气地）：“对不起。”

We just got it over with, right?

完全是草草了事，对吧？

That's not what we're talking about.

但我们所说的并不是这种情况。

我们所说的不是 被迫给予某人恩典，

What we're talking about is not having to give someone grace

but choosing to and wanting to.

而是选择给予、想要给予。

That's how we exchange extravagant grace.

这就是我们交换奢侈恩典的方式。

Listen, I know this can sound really, really theoretical.

我知道这听起来非常的理论化，

So I'd like to tell you about a hero of mine.

所以我想给你们介绍一位 我心目中的英雄。

A hero of grace.

恩典的英雄。

It's 2014.

那是 2014 年，

In Iran.

事情发生在伊朗。

And the mother of a murdered son is in a public square.

在公共广场上， 有一位谋杀受害者的母亲。

The man who murdered her son is also in that square,

而谋杀她儿子的那个人 也在那个广场上，

by a gallows,

他在绞刑架边，

on a chair of some kind,

站在一把椅子上，

a noose around his neck

脖子上套着绞索，

and a blindfold over his eyes.

眼睛上蒙着眼罩。

Samereh Alinejad

萨米雷·阿琳贾德（Samereh Alinejad）

had been given the sole right under the laws of her country

被祖国的法律 赋予了她独有的权利，

to either pardon this man

可以赦免此人，

or initiate his execution.

也可以决定行刑。

Put another way, she could pardon him

换种说法就是，她可以原谅他，

or literally push that chair out from underneath his feet.

也可以把他脚下的椅子推出去。

(Exhales)

（呼气声）

I just ...

我真的……

I can't picture the agony going through both Samereh and this man

无法想象那一刻

萨米雷和这名男子所承受的痛苦。

at the time.

Samereh with her choice to make,

萨米雷必须要做出选择，

and this man, in the account that I read, was just weeping,

而这名男子，根据我读到的描述， 则是在哭泣，

just begging for forgiveness.

乞求宽恕。

And Samereh had a choice.

而萨米雷有权做出选择。

And she chose in that moment to walk up to this man

那一刻，她选择走向这名男子，

and to slap him right across the face.

扇了他一记响亮的耳光。

And that signaled her pardon.

这意味着她选择了宽恕。

It gets better.

更棒的是，

Right afterwards, somebody asked her,

紧接着有人问她，

they interviewed her, and she was quoted as saying,

她接受采访时说：

"I felt as if rage vanished from within my heart

“我感觉我心中的愤怒消失了，

and the blood in my veins began to flow again."

我血管里的血液也再次开始流动了。”

Isn't that incredible?

简直不可思议，不是吗？

I mean, what a picture of grace, what a hero of grace.

真是一个恩典的典范， 一位给予恩典的英雄。

And there's a lesson in there for all of us.

这给我们所有人都上了一课。

That as theologian John Piper said,

这正如神学家约翰·派珀 （John Piper）所说的：

"Grace is power, not just pardon."

“恩典不只是宽恕，而是一股力量。 ”

And if you think about it,

仔细想来，

grace is the gift we give someone else in a relationship

恩典是我们在一段关系中 赠予别人的礼物，

that says our relationship is way more important

它告诉我们，我们的关系远比

那些割裂我们的东西更为重要。

than the things that separate us.

And if you really think about it some more,

如果你再细想一下，

we all have the power to execute in our relationships,

在我们的关系中，

其实我们每个人都有 处决或者宽恕的权利。

or to pardon.

We never did find out the identity of our anonymous neighbor.

我们始终都没发现 我们匿名邻居的身份。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But if we did, I'd hope we'd simply say,

但如果我们知道， 我希望我们可以简单问一句，

"Can we have coffee?"

“能一起喝杯咖啡吗？”

And maybe there's somebody you need to have coffee with

或许有这么一个人， 你需要和他一起喝杯咖啡

and find your common ground with them.

来找到你们之间的共同点。

Or maybe there's somebody you're in a relationship with

又或许你需要与某个正在交往的人

and you need to exchange extravagant grace.

交换那奢侈的恩典。

Maybe go first.

也许你要选择主动。

These two strategies have taught me

这两个策略教会了我

how to exchange extravagant grace in my relationships

如何在人际关系中交换奢侈的恩典，

and to enjoy the beautiful design of my neighbors.

以及如何欣赏我邻居们的美好。

I want to continue to choose relationships over agonism.

我会继续选择与人共处， 而非坚持与人相争。

Will you choose to join me?

你愿意加入我吗？

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）