Nina Westbrook: How to support yourself (and others) through grief | TED

Transcriber:

翻译人员: Meredith Law 校对人员: Yip Yan Yeung

Cloe Shasha Brooks: Hello, TED Community,

you are watching a TED interview series

克洛·莎莎·布鲁克斯 （Cloe Shasha Brooks）:

called How to Deal with Difficult Feelings.

TED社区你们好。

你正在收看TED访谈系列——

I’m your host, Cloe Shasha Brooks, and a curator at TED.

《如何处理难受的心情》。

This past year has been full of both personal and collective grief.

我是你的主持人，克洛伊·莎莎· 布鲁克斯，也是TED的策展人。

And this grief has taken many forms.

过去的一年充满了 个人和集体的哀伤。

And to dive deeper into the world of understanding and managing grief,

而这些哀伤有很多种。

I'll be speaking first with Nina Westbrook,

为了能更深入地进入 理解与调节哀伤的领域，

a marriage and family therapist who has supported clients through loss.

我会先和妮娜·威斯布鲁克 （Nina Westbrook）谈话，

她是一位婚姻与家庭治疗师， 帮助客户度过丧失之痛。

Hi, Nina.

Nina Westbrook: Hi, Cloe, good to see you.

妮娜你好。

Thank you so much for having me.

妮娜·威斯布鲁克： 克洛伊你好，很高兴见到你。

CSB: Thanks for joining us.

感谢你邀请我参加节目。

Nina, you have talked about how grief can be about the loss of people

克洛伊：谢谢你出席今天的访谈。

妮娜，你有说过哀伤可能是关于

and tangible things.

But that it can also be about the loss of dreams,

失去人或触手可及的东西。

something that many people have experienced over the past year.

但哀伤也可能是失去梦想，

Can you give me some examples of grieving for lost dreams

很多人在过去这一年里 都经历了这件事。

and talk about what it means to experience this kind of grief?

你能不能给几个因为 失去的梦想而哀伤的例子，

NW: Absolutely.

跟我们解释一下经历这种哀伤 是什么样的感受？

I believe that grief can take so many different forms,

妮娜：当然可以。

我相信哀伤有很多种，

and I think oftentimes when we think about grief,

we associate it with the emotional process

而我们讲到哀伤的时候，

通常把它联想成了

that takes place when we're coping with the death of a loved one.

我们为了应对失去挚爱 而经历的的情感过程。

I don't know.

It's just not as common to associate grief

我不知道为什么，

or correlate grief with the loss of a dream.

但是人们一般不会把失去梦想

So when you think about dreams and when they begin

和哀伤互相联系在一起。

当你想到梦想的时候， 思考梦想什么时候开始的、

and how deeply they're rooted into our daily lives and our routines

梦想如何在我们的 日常生活和定式中根深蒂固，

and how much our dreams

我们的梦想

determine our decision-making process

and the choices that we make throughout the course of our lives,

如何决定了我们的决策过程，

they hold a pretty significant amount of space

包括我们一生中所做的决定，

in our minds and in our hearts.

梦想在我们的脑海和心中

Imagine a child who,

有着很重要的地位。

you know, from a young age, we begin to dream

想象一个小孩，

and they begin to dream about becoming an astronaut one day

像我们一样，他从小

and walking on the moon or becoming a professional athlete.

开始梦想自己有一天 能成为一名宇航员，

And then as we grow older,

走在月球上，或者成为 一名职业运动员。

we begin to focus in on what our needs are

随着我们的成长，

我们开始专注于我们需要的事物

and what our wants are,

and our dreams begin to look more like acquiring our dream careers

和我们想要的的事物，

而我们的梦想变成了 追求理想的事业、

or job positions or opening businesses,

having children or finding love.

岗位或创业，

And the reality is that these dreams do not always work out

生育或谈恋爱。

但实际上这些梦想不一定能够实现

and manifest themselves in a way that we have imagined, right?

And that can be so devastating for so many people.

和表现得如我们想象的一样，对吧？

The loss of careers and jobs

这对很多人来说是毁灭性的。

or our divorces, the loss of relationships,

失去事业和工作

or infertility can all be extremely devastating things

或者离婚、失去感情，

或者不孕都可能对我们 是非常大的打击

and those types of devastating events

propel you into the emotional process

而这种毁灭性事件

会把你推入哀伤的

that takes place during grief.

CSB: Let's bring a question up from the audience.

情感过程中。

What are comforting things to do or say when someone is grieving?

克洛伊： 我们现在回答观众的问题吧。

So I guess someone else in this case.

当一个人在哀伤中， 我们能做或者说什么来安慰？

NW: That's a really amazing question.

指的是另一个人该怎么做。

A lot of the time, simply being present

妮娜：这是一个很棒的问题。

and offering support and encouragement

很多时候，陪伴、

给予支持和鼓励

is really going to be important

真的很重要。

when you're trying to support someone else through their grief.

I think communication is also important,

这是当你想要协助 一个悲痛的人可以做的。

asking that person,

我觉得沟通也重要，

"What can I do,"

or "What do you need from me in this moment

问那个人：

“我可以做什么？”

and how can I best support you,"

或者“这一刻你需要我做什么，

is kind of going to be the best way to figure out how to support this person.

我怎样才能最好地支持你？”

这是搞明白如何 帮助这个人最好的方法。

Sometimes they just want someone to listen to.

Sometimes they need someone to make them laugh or to help, you know,

有时候他们想要有人可以倾诉。

有时他们需要一个 让他们笑或者帮助他们，

keep them distracted for a moment

让他们转移一会儿注意力的人，

or sometimes they just need someone to be around them.

It just really depends on the person,

或者他们只是需要有人在身边陪伴。

since grief is so subjective in the way that we go through it.

真的需要看个人情况，

CSB: Totally.

因为我们的哀伤的过程是很主观的。

And let's go right into some strategies, too.

So I'm sure you have strategies for managing the grief of lost dreams.

克洛伊：是的。

那我们现在也来说说一些策略吧。

我相信你肯定有一些应对 失去梦想而哀伤的策略。

How do people pick themselves back up after that?

NW: You want to give yourself permission to grieve, first off.

人们如何在经历这种 事情后重新站起来？

And it's not a linear journey,

妮娜：第一，你要 允许自己悲伤。

there is going to be lots of ups and downs that take place.

这不是一个直线的旅程，

Some days you're going to be OK and some days you might cry

会有很多起起伏伏。

有时候你会觉得还好， 而有时候你可能会哭。

and sometimes you might go a month without crying.

And then one day everything comes crashing down all at once.

有时候你可能一个月都不会哭，

然而最终一切在一瞬间都会垮掉。

It's just a matter of giving yourself permission to go through these feelings

这就是要允许 你自己经历那些情感，

and knowing and reassuring yourself that this is OK and it's normal.

理解、安抚你自己， 这没关系、是正常的。

And also keeping in mind

that it's OK to feel joy even in those moments of sadness

也要记得

即使在悲伤的过程中

that you're going to experience when you're grieving.

感到快乐也是没有错的。

The other thing that I think is really important

另外有一件非常重要的事情

is just to be proactive in the grieving process.

Don't ignore your grief.

是在哀伤的过程中要主动。

You can seek support.

You can't be afraid to ask for support

不要忽视你的哀伤。

你可以寻求援助。

or lean on others, people that you trust,

不要害怕寻求援助

friends, family members, coworkers, whomever it may be for support.

或依靠别人，那些你信任的人，

朋友、家人、同事、 无论是谁，能支持你的就好了。

And then making a plan, making a new plan.

Mourning happens over time.

然后做一个计划，一个全新的计划。

What it's doing, what we're doing,

哀伤总是会发生。

and all of the emotions that were going through

它的作用、我们所做的、

during that mourning process

所有我们在哀伤过程中

is we're literally detaching ourselves emotionally from the dream

所经历的情绪

就是在把自己的情感

that we are mourning

和我们在悼念的梦想

or from the object that we're mourning.

And what that's doing is opening yourself up

或事物分离。

and making space for new dreams

这么做的作用是让自己敞开心扉，

and new experiences and new opportunities in the future.

为新的梦想和体验

以及未来的新机遇腾出空间。

So goal setting and planning is going to be key.

所以制定目标和计划会是关键的。

A lot of the time we really focus on plan A.

So this is a great time to pivot

很多时候我们会把焦点 放在原定的计划上。

and focus on planning for a new future and a new outcome.

所以这是个转移焦点、

着手计划新的未来 和新的结果的好时机。

CSB: Absolutely.

And just one final quick question for you,

which is that sometimes people get mad at themselves

克洛伊：绝对是的。

还有最后一个简短的问题要问你，

for not getting over their grief.

What would you say to those people?

就是有时候人们会生自己的气

NW: It's really important to keep healing at the forefront of your mind.

因为他们没法走出哀伤。

你会跟那些人说什么呢？

妮娜：把疗伤放在 第一位是很重要的。

And I think that understanding the grief process

我觉得要理解哀伤的过程、

and going through the ups and downs

and knowing that that's all a part of it,

you have to be patient with yourself,

经历波折、

you have to give yourself grace

了解那些都是哀伤的一部分，

and understand that you're going to have good days,

你要对自己有耐心，

you're going to have bad days.

对自己仁慈一些，

But when it all comes down to it,

要懂得你会经历好日子，

if you're keeping the idea of healing in the forefront,

也会有坏日子。

但当这一切归结起来时，

如果你把疗伤放在第一位，

then you can focus your energy and your time into that process

你就可以把精力和 时间投入那个过程，

and going through it in a way that is productive

to your emotional well-being in the future.

而你需要一个对 你未来的情绪健康有益的

CSB: Wonderful.

方式来度过这个过程。

Well, thank you so much for this conversation, Nina.

We have come to the end,

克洛伊：太好了。

那么，妮娜，非常感谢你 参加这次的谈话。

but really grateful to you for joining us.

Take care.

我们已经结束了，

NW: Thank you so much for having me. Take care.

很开心你今天能来参加。

保重。

妮娜：谢谢你们 邀请我来。保重。