Nina Westbrook: How to support yourself (and others) through grief | TED

Transcriber:

譯者: Camila Lin 審譯者: Amanda Zhu

Cloe Shasha Brooks: Hello, TED Community,

克洛伊‧莎夏‧布魯克斯： TED 社群的會員們，大家好。

you are watching a TED interview series

你現在正在觀看的是 TED 的系列訪談之一：

called How to Deal with Difficult Feelings.

「如何處理負面情緒」。

I’m your host, Cloe Shasha Brooks, and a curator at TED.

我是克洛伊‧莎夏‧布魯克斯，

今天的主持人， 也是 TED 的策展者。

This past year has been full of both personal and collective grief.

去年是充滿個人與集體悲傷的一年。

And this grief has taken many forms.

悲傷以很多形式出現。

And to dive deeper into the world of understanding and managing grief,

為了更深入理解與處理悲傷的世界，

I'll be speaking first with Nina Westbrook,

我會先訪談妮娜‧衛斯特布魯克。

a marriage and family therapist who has supported clients through loss.

她是婚姻與家庭治療師， 為經歷失去的個案提供支持。

Hi, Nina.

嗨，妮娜。

Nina Westbrook: Hi, Cloe, good to see you.

妮娜‧衛斯特布魯克： 嗨，克洛伊，很高興見到妳。

Thank you so much for having me.

很高興妳邀請我。

CSB: Thanks for joining us.

克：謝謝妳加入我們。

Nina, you have talked about how grief can be about the loss of people

妮娜，妳已經談過失去親人的悲傷，

and tangible things.

以及失去實物的悲傷，

But that it can also be about the loss of dreams,

但失去夢想也會導致悲傷，

something that many people have experienced over the past year.

而這是去年一年中，許多人曾經歷的。

Can you give me some examples of grieving for lost dreams

妳能不能給我們一些 因夢想破碎而悲傷的例子，

and talk about what it means to experience this kind of grief?

並告訴我們， 經歷這種悲傷的意義何在？

NW: Absolutely.

妮：當然。

I believe that grief can take so many different forms,

我相信悲傷有很多種形式，

and I think oftentimes when we think about grief,

而且我發現，當我們想到悲傷的時候，

we associate it with the emotional process

我們常將它與

因痛失親人產生的情感歷程相連結。

that takes place when we're coping with the death of a loved one.

I don't know.

該怎麼說呢？

It's just not as common to associate grief

我們不那麼常將悲傷

or correlate grief with the loss of a dream.

和失去夢想連結在一起。

So when you think about dreams and when they begin

夢想和夢想甚麼時候形成、

and how deeply they're rooted into our daily lives and our routines

它們有多麼深刻地 紮根在日常生活跟例行公事中、

and how much our dreams

我們的夢想

determine our decision-making process

對我們做決定的過程影響有多大，

and the choices that we make throughout the course of our lives,

以及我們在人生各階段裡做的選擇，

they hold a pretty significant amount of space

這些事對我們的情感與理智而言，

in our minds and in our hearts.

意義都非常深刻。

Imagine a child who,

想像有個小孩，

you know, from a young age, we begin to dream

就像我們都從很小的時候就開始做夢，

and they begin to dream about becoming an astronaut one day

他開始夢想有一天 能變成太空人在月球上漫步，

and walking on the moon or becoming a professional athlete.

或者變成一個職業運動員。

And then as we grow older,

但是，當我們漸漸長大，

we begin to focus in on what our needs are

我們開始專注思考 「我們到底需要甚麼」，

and what our wants are,

還有「我們想要甚麼」，

and our dreams begin to look more like acquiring our dream careers

我們的夢想也會逐漸改變：

像是得到心中夢想的事業、 工作職位、創業、

or job positions or opening businesses,

having children or finding love.

生小孩，或是找到真愛。

And the reality is that these dreams do not always work out

很現實的是，這些夢想 並不一定都能實現，

and manifest themselves in a way that we have imagined, right?

也不一定會以想像中的 那種樣子實現對吧？

And that can be so devastating for so many people.

這對很多人來說，是很大的打擊。

The loss of careers and jobs

職涯生活的結束、失業、

or our divorces, the loss of relationships,

離婚、分手

or infertility can all be extremely devastating things

或是不孕，都可以讓人心情盪到谷底。

and those types of devastating events

而這些毀滅性的事件，

propel you into the emotional process

會將你推進

陷入悲傷時的情緒歷程。

that takes place during grief.

CSB: Let's bring a question up from the audience.

克：我們先回答觀眾提出的一個問題：

What are comforting things to do or say when someone is grieving?

當一個人陷入哀傷時， 我們能說甚麼或做呢？

So I guess someone else in this case.

意思是說陷入哀傷的不是自己。

NW: That's a really amazing question.

妮：這是個很棒的問題。

A lot of the time, simply being present

大多時候，當你在努力 支持別人度過悲傷的時候，

and offering support and encouragement

只是在身邊陪伴他們，

is really going to be important

提供支持和鼓勵，

when you're trying to support someone else through their grief.

是非常重要的。

I think communication is also important,

溝通也是很重要的。

asking that person,

可以問問對方：

"What can I do,"

「我可以做甚麼？」

or "What do you need from me in this moment

或者「你現在需要我為你做甚麼？」

and how can I best support you,"

還有「我要怎麼做 才能給你最大的支持？」

is kind of going to be the best way to figure out how to support this person.

這些都是很棒的方法， 能幫助你了解如何支持對方。

Sometimes they just want someone to listen to.

有時候，他們只是想要有個傾聽者。

Sometimes they need someone to make them laugh or to help, you know,

有時候，他們需要一個能逗他們笑

keep them distracted for a moment

或幫他們暫時轉移注意力的人。

or sometimes they just need someone to be around them.

有時候他們只是需要有人在身邊。

It just really depends on the person,

這真的很看個人，

since grief is so subjective in the way that we go through it.

因為每個人經歷哀傷的歷程都不一樣。

CSB: Totally.

克：真的。

And let's go right into some strategies, too.

我們也來談談一些方法吧。

So I'm sure you have strategies for managing the grief of lost dreams.

我相信妳一定有些方法， 能調適夢想破碎的悲傷。

How do people pick themselves back up after that?

人們該怎麼在夢想破碎後， 慢慢拼湊回一個完整的自己？

NW: You want to give yourself permission to grieve, first off.

首先，你要允許自己擁有悲傷的權利。

And it's not a linear journey,

悲傷不會是直線般的旅程，

there is going to be lots of ups and downs that take place.

而會起起落落。

Some days you're going to be OK and some days you might cry

有時候你會沒事， 但有時候你可能會哭，

and sometimes you might go a month without crying.

有時候你可能整個月都沒哭，

And then one day everything comes crashing down all at once.

但有一天，一切都突然崩潰。

It's just a matter of giving yourself permission to go through these feelings

關鍵在於，允許自己經歷這些感受，

and knowing and reassuring yourself that this is OK and it's normal.

了解這是被允許且正常的， 並以此安慰自己。

And also keeping in mind

也要記得，

that it's OK to feel joy even in those moments of sadness

當你陷在悲傷中時， 就算你應該要難過，

that you're going to experience when you're grieving.

但卻感受到快樂，也沒有關係。

The other thing that I think is really important

另外一件我認為相當重要的事是，

is just to be proactive in the grieving process.

在悲傷歷程中，要積極主動。

Don't ignore your grief.

不要故意忽視自己的悲傷。

You can seek support.

你可以尋求支持。

You can't be afraid to ask for support

你不能害怕請求他人的支持，

or lean on others, people that you trust,

或是害怕依賴他人， 不論是你信任的人、

friends, family members, coworkers, whomever it may be for support.

朋友、家人、同事， 任何能提供你支持的人。

And then making a plan, making a new plan.

然後做一個計畫，一個新的計畫。

Mourning happens over time.

哀痛是逐漸發生的。

What it's doing, what we're doing,

在哀痛的歷程中，

and all of the emotions that were going through

哀痛所帶來的意義、 我們為哀痛所做的事，

during that mourning process

以及我們經歷的所有情緒，

is we're literally detaching ourselves emotionally from the dream

其實都是我們在與哀悼的夢想

that we are mourning

或哀悼的事物，

or from the object that we're mourning.

做出情感上的切割。

And what that's doing is opening yourself up

這能幫助你對自己 和自己的感情更坦率，

and making space for new dreams

同時為未來的新夢想、新經驗，

and new experiences and new opportunities in the future.

以及新機會預留空間。

So goal setting and planning is going to be key.

所以，設定目標跟制定計劃是關鍵。

A lot of the time we really focus on plan A.

有很多時候，我們太專注於主計畫，

So this is a great time to pivot

所以，這是個調適

and focus on planning for a new future and a new outcome.

並專注於計畫新未來 跟新結局的好機會。

CSB: Absolutely.

克：說的沒錯。

And just one final quick question for you,

最後還有個問題想請教妳：

which is that sometimes people get mad at themselves

有時候人們會因為無法跨越悲傷，

for not getting over their grief.

而對自己感到憤怒。

What would you say to those people?

妳會向這些人說甚麼？

NW: It's really important to keep healing at the forefront of your mind.

妮：將「治癒」銘記在心真的很重要。

And I think that understanding the grief process

而我也認為，了解悲傷歷程，

and going through the ups and downs

經歷高低起伏，

and knowing that that's all a part of it,

了解這都是悲傷歷程的一部分，

you have to be patient with yourself,

你需要耐心地對待自己，

you have to give yourself grace

允許自己犯錯，

and understand that you're going to have good days,

知道自己有時能一帆風順，

you're going to have bad days.

有時也會跌到谷底。

But when it all comes down to it,

但當它發生的時候，

if you're keeping the idea of healing in the forefront,

如果你還記得「治癒自己」這個想法，

then you can focus your energy and your time into that process

那麼在悲傷歷程裡， 你就能聚焦在自己的精力跟時間上，

and going through it in a way that is productive

而這也能對你未來的心理健康

to your emotional well-being in the future.

產生正面影響。

CSB: Wonderful.

克：太棒了。

Well, thank you so much for this conversation, Nina.

妮娜，真的很謝謝妳今天的訪談。

We have come to the end,

我們的訪談已經進到尾聲，

but really grateful to you for joining us.

真的很感謝妳願意加入我們。

Take care.

保重。

NW: Thank you so much for having me. Take care.

謝謝妳邀請我，妳也保重。