The truth about unwanted arousal | Emily Nagoski

Translator: Michelle Heegaard Reviewer: Anders Finn Jørgensen

[This talk contains mature content Viewer discretion is advised]

(Denne tale indeholder voksent materiale. Seer skønsbeføjelse anbefales.)

My specialty, as a sex educator, is I bring the science.

Mit rolle, som sex underviser, er at introducerer videnskaben.

But my first and most important job is that I stay neutral

Men min vigtigste opgave er at forblive neutral,

when I talk about anything sex-related,

når jeg taler om noget sex-relateret.

no embarrassment, no titillation, no judgment, no shame,

Ingen forlegenhed, ingen ophidselse, ingen fordømmelse, ingen skam.

no matter where I am.

Uanset hvor jeg er.

No matter what question you ask me.

Uanset hvilket spørgsmål du stiller mig.

At the end of a conference in a hotel lobby once,

Hen mod slutningen af en konference i en lobby.

I'm literally on my way out the door and a colleague chases me down.

Jeg er på vej ud af døren, da en kollega jagter mig ned.

"Emily, I just have a really quick question.

"Emily, jeg har et hurtigt spørgsmål.

A friend of mine --

En af mine venner -

(Laughter)

(Latter)

wants to know if it's possible to get addicted to her vibrator."

- vil gerne vide, om det er muligt at blive afhængig af sin vibrator".

The answer is no, but it is possible to get spoiled.

Svaret er nej, men det er muligt at blive forkælet.

A different conference, this one in an outdoor tropical paradise,

På en anden konference, denne i et udendørs tropisk paradis,

I'm at the breakfast buffet, and a couple approaches me.

er jeg til morgenmads buffet og et par kommer hen til mig.

"Hi, Emily, we're sorry to interrupt you

"Hej, Emily, vi er kede af at forstyrre,

but we just wanted to ask a quick question about premature ejaculation."

men vi ville bare stille dig et spørgsmål om tidlig ejakulation".

"Sure, let me tell you about the stop/start technique."

"Selvfølgelig, lad mig fortælle dig om stop/start teknikken".

That is my life.

Det er mit liv.

I stay neutral when other people might "squick."

Jeg forbliver neutral, når andre mennesker bliver "squick".

Squick is an emotion that combines surprise

'Squick' er en følelse, der er en kombination af overraskelse,

with embarrassment plus some disgust

skam og en smule afsky.

and like, not knowing what to do with your hands.

Og ligesom, ikke at vide hvad man skal gøre med sine hænder.

So, it's a product.

Så det er et produkt.

The reason you experience it

Grunden, til at du oplever det,

is because you spent the first two decades of your life

er fordi du brugte de første to årtier af dit liv

learning that sex is a dangerous and disgusting source of everlasting shame

på at lære, at sex er en farlig og afskyelig kilde for uendelig skam.

and if you're not really good at it, no one will ever love you.

Og hvis du ikke er god til det, så er der ingen der vil elske dig.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

So you might squick, hearing me talk about sex

Så, du bliver måske 'squick', når du hører mig tale om sex,

while you're sitting in a room full of strangers -- that is normal.

imens du sidder i det her rum fuld af fremmede - det er normalt.

I invite you to breathe.

Jeg beder dig trække vejret.

Feelings are tunnels.

Følelser er tunneler.

We make our way through the darkness to get to the light at the end.

Vi finder vej gennem mørket for at komme ud til lyset i enden.

And I promise it's worth it.

Og jeg lover det er det værd.

Because I want to share with you today a piece of science

For i dag vil jeg dele et stykke af videnskaben,

that has changed how I think about everything,

som har ændret den måde jeg tænker om alting på.

from the behavior of neurotransmitters in our emotional brain,

Fra neurotransmitterne i vores emotionelle hjerne

to the dynamics of our interpersonal relationships.

til dynamikken i vores interpersonelle forhold.

To our judicial system.

Til vores juridiske system.

And it starts with our brain.

Og det starter med vores hjerne.

There's an area of your brain you've probably heard referred to

Der er et område i hjenen, som du nok har hørt omtalt som

as the "reward center."

'belønningscenteret'.

I think calling it the reward center

Jeg synes, at kalde det et belønningscenter

is a little bit like calling your face your nose.

er lidt som at kalde dit ansigt for din næse.

That is one prominent feature,

Det er én fremtrædende funktion,

but it ignores some other parts and will leave you really confused

men det ignorer nogle andre dele og vil efterlade dig meget forvirret,

if you're trying to understand how faces work.

hvis du forsøger at forstår, hvordan ansigter virker.

It's actually three intertwined but separable systems.

Det er normalt tre sammenflettede men adskillelige systemer.

The first system is liking.

Det første system er 'kan lide',

Which is like reward,

hvilket er lige som belønning.

so this is the opioid hotspots in your emotional brain.

So dette er dit opium hotspot i din emotionelle hjerne.

It assesses hedonic impact --

Det vurderer hedonisk indvirkning.

"Does this stimulus feel good?

"Føles denne stimulus godt?

How good?

Hvor godt?

Does this stimulus feel bad?

Føles denne stimulus dårligt?

How bad?"

Hvor dårligt?"

If you drop sugar water on the tongue of a newborn infant,

Hvis du putter sukkervand på tungen af et nyfødt barn,

the opioid-liking system sets off fireworks.

så eksploderer opium systemet.

And then there's the wanting system.

Og så er der 'ønske-systemet'.

Wanting is mediated by this vast dopaminergic network

'Ønske' er formidlet af dette store dopamin netværk

in and beyond the emotional brain.

i og udover den emotionelle hjerne.

It motivates us to move toward or away from a stimulus.

Det motiverer os til at bevæge os mod eller væk fra stimuli.

Wanting is more like your toddler, following you around,

'Ønske' er mere som dit barn, der følger efter dig

asking for another cookie.

og beder om en mere småkage.

So wanting and liking are related.

Så 'ønske' og 'lide' er relaterede.

They are not identical.

De er ikke identiske

And the third system is learning.

Og det tredje system er 'indlæring'.

Learning is Pavlov's dogs.

'Indlæring' er Pavlov's hunde.

You remember Pavlov?

Husker du Pavlov?

He makes dogs salivate in response to a bell.

Han får hunde til at savle, når en klokke lyder.

It's easy, you give a dog food, salivates automatically,

Det er nemt; du giver en hund mad, den savler

and you ring a bell.

og du ringer med klokken.

Food, salivate, bell.

Mad, savl, klokke.

Food, bell, salivate.

Mad, klokke, savl.

Bell, salivate.

Klokke, savl.

Does that salivation mean that the dog wants to eat the bell?

Betyder den savlen, at hunden har lyst til at æde klokken?

Does it mean that the dog finds the bell delicious?

Betyder det, at hunden finder klokken lækker?

No.

Nej.

What Pavlov did was make the bell food-related.

Hvad Pavlov gjorde var at gøre klokken mad-relateret.

When we see this separateness of wanting, liking and learning,

Når vi ser denne adskillelse af 'ønske', 'lide' og 'indlæring'

this is where we find an explanatory framework

er det her vi finder den forklarende ramme

for understanding what researchers call arousal nonconcordance.

for forståelse af, hvad forskere kalder seksuel uoverenstemmelse.

Nonconcordance, very simply,

Uoverenstemmelse, meget simpelt,

is when there is a lack of predictive relationship

er, når der er mangel på et forudsigelig forhold

between your physiological response, like salivation,

mellem din fysiologiske respons, som at savle,

and your subjective experience of pleasure and desire.

og din subjektive oplevelse af nydelse og begær.

That happens in every emotional and motivational system that we have,

Det sker i alle emotionelle og motiverende systemer, vi har.

including sex.

Inklusiv sex.

Research over the last 30 years

Forskning over de seneste 30 år

has found that genital blood flow can increase

har vist at blodstrømingen til kønsorganer kan stige

in response to sex-related stimuli

som respons på sex-relaterede stimuli.

even if those sex-related stimuli are not also associated

Selv hvis de sex-relaterede stimuli ikke er associerede

with the subjective experience of wanting and liking.

med den subjektive oplevelse af 'ønske' og 'lide'.

In fact, the predictive relationship

Faktisk, så er det forudsigelige forhold

between genital response and subjective experience

mellem kønsorgan reaktion og den subjektive oplevelse

is between 10 and 50 percent.

omkring 10 til 15 procent.

Which is an enormous range.

Hvilken er en enorm rækkevidde.

You just can't predict necessarily

Du kan ikke bare nødvendigvis forudsige,

how a person feels about that sex-related stimulus

hvordan en person har det med en sex-relateret stimuli

just by looking at their genital blood flow.

ved at kigge på blodstrømning til deres kønsorganer.

When I explained this to my husband, he gave me the best possible example.

Da jeg forklarede det til min mand, så gav han mig det bedste eksempel.

He was like,

He sagde;

"So, that could explain this one time, when I was in high school, I ...

"Så det forklarer den her ene gang, da jeg gik i High School,

I got an erection in response to the phrase 'doughnut hole.'"

hvor jeg fik en erektion til ordene 'doughtnut hul'.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

Did he want to have sex with the doughnut?

Ønskede han at have sex med en doughnut?

No.

Nej.

He was a teenage boy flooded with testosterone,

Han var en teenage-dreng fuld af testeron,

which makes everything a little bit sex-related.

hvilket gør alting en lille smule sex-relateret.

And it can go in both directions.

Og det kan gå begge veje.

A person with a penis may struggle to get an erection one evening,

En person med en penis har måske svært ved at få en erektion en aften

and then wake up the very next morning with an erection,

og vågner så op næste morgen med en erektion,

when it's nothing but a hassle.

når det ikke er andet end irriterende.

I got a phone call from a 30-something friend, a woman,

Jeg fik et opkald fra en omkring 30-årig ven, en kvinde.

she said, "So, my partner and I were in the middle of doing some things

Hun sagde, "Så min partner og jeg var i gang med noget

and I was like, 'I want you right now.'

og jeg sagde; 'Jeg vil have dig'.

And he said, 'No, you're still dry, you're just being nice.'

Og han sagde; 'Nej, du er stadig tør. Du er bare sød'

And I was so ready.

Og jeg var så klar.

So what's the matter, is it hormonal, should I talk to a doctor,

Så, hvad er der i vejen? Er det hormonelt? Bør jeg tale med en læge?

what's going on?"

Hvad sker der?"

Answer?

Svar?

It's arousal nonconcordance.

Seksuel uoverestemmelse.

If you're experiencing unwanted pain, talk to a medical provider.

Hvis du oplever uønsket smerte, tal med en lægefaglig.

Otherwise -- arousal nonconcordance.

Hvis ikke - seksuel uoverenstemmelse.

Your genital behavior just doesn't necessarily predict

Dine kønsorganers opførelse forudsiger ikke

your subjective experience of liking and wanting.

din subjektive oplevelse af 'lide' og 'ønske'.

Another friend, back in college,

En anden ven, på universitetet,

told me about her first experiences of power play in a sexual relationship.

fortalte mig om hendes første oplevelse af 'magtkamp' i et seksuelt forhold.

She told me that her partner tied her up

Hun fortalte mig, at partneren bandt hende

with her arms over her head like this, she's standing up and he positions her

med hendes hænder over hovedet, sådan. Hun står op og han placerer hende,

so she's straddling a bar, presses up against her clitoris, like this.

så hun står mod en bar, presset op mod hendes klitoris, sådan.

So there's my friend, standing there, and the guy leaves.

Så, der står min ven og fyren går.

It's a power play.

Det er en magtkamp.

Leaves her alone.

Efterlader hende.

So there's my friend, and she goes,

Så der er min ven og hun tænker;

"I'm bored."

"Jeg keder mig"

(Laughter)

(Latter)

And the guy comes back and she says, "I am bored."

Og fyren kommer tilbage og hun siger; "Jeg keder mig".

And he looks at her and he looks at the bar

Og han kigger på hende og kigger på baren

and he says, "Then why are you wet?"

og han spørger; "Hvorfor er du så våd?"

Why was she wet?

Hvorfor var hun våd?

Is it sex-related to have pressure directly against your clitoris?

Er det sex-relateret at have pres direkte mod din klitoris?

Yeah.

Ja.

Does that tell him whether she wants or likes what's happening?

Fortæller det ham, om hun vil have eller kan lide, hvad der sker?

Nope.

Nej.

What does tell him whether she wants or likes what's happening?

Hvad fortæller hende, om hun vil have eller kan lide hvad der sker?

She does!

Det gør hun!

She recognized and articulated what she wanted and liked.

Hun genkendte og sagde, hvad hun ville og hvad hun kunne lide.

All he had to do was listen to her words.

Alt hvad han skulle var at lytte til hende.

My friend on the phone -- what's the solution?

My ven på telefonen - hvad er hendes løsning?

You tell your partner, "Listen to your words."

Fortæl dit partner; "lyt til mine ord".

Also, buy some lube.

Og køb noget glidecreme.

(Laughter)

(Latter)

(Applause)

(Klapsalve)

Applause for lube, absolutely.

Klapsalve for glidecreme, så absolut.

(Applause)

(Klapsalve)

Everyone, everywhere.

Allesammen, alle steder.

But I want to tell you a darker listen-to-her-words story.

Men jeg vil fortælle en mørkere 'lyt-til-hendes-ord' historie.

This one comes from a note that a student sent me

Denne kommer fra en note, som en elev sendte mig

after I gave a lecture about arousal nonconcordance.

efter jeg gav en forelæsning om seksuel uoverenstemmelse.

She was with a partner, a new partner, glad to be doing things,

Hun var med en partner, ny partner, glad for at gøre ting

and they reached a point

og de ramte et punkt,

where that was as far as she was interested in going

hvor det var så vidt, som hun havde lyst til at gå

and so she said no.

og hun sagde 'nej'.

And the partner said, "No, you're wet, you're so ready, don't be shy."

Og hendes partner sagde; "Nej, du er våd. Du er så klar. Ikke være genert".

Shy?

Genert?

As if it hadn't taken all the courage and confidence she had

Som om det ikke havde taget alt hendes mod og selvtillid

to say no to someone she liked.

at sige nej til en, som hun kunne lide.

Whose feelings she did not want to hurt.

Hvis følelser, hun ikke havde lyst til at såre.

But she said it again.

Men hun sagde det igen.

She said no.

Hun sagde nej.

Did he listen to her words?

Lyttede han til hendes ord?

In the age of Me Too and Time's Up, people ask me,

I en tid med MeToo og Time's Up, spørger folk mig;

"How do I even know what my partner wants and likes?

"Hvordan ved jeg, hvad min partner vil have og kan lide?

Is all consent to be verbal and contractual now?"

Er alt samtykke verbalt og kontraktligt nu?"

There are times when consent is ambiguous

Der er tider, hvor samtykke er tvetydig

and we need a large-scale cultural conversation about that.

og vi har brug for en større kultural samtale omkring det.

But can we make sure we're noticing how clear consent is

Men kan vi være sikre på, at vi lægger mærke til klar samtykke,

if we eliminate this myth?

hvis vi eliminerer denne myte?

In every example I've described so far,

I hvert eksempel jeg har beskrevet indtil nu,

one partner recognized and articulated what they wanted and liked:

genkendte og sagde en partner, hvad de ville og kunne lide.

"I want you right now."

"Jeg vil have dig lige nu".

"No."

"Nej".

And their partner told them they were wrong.

Og deres partner sagde, at de tog fejl.

It's gaslighting.

Det er [manipulation].

Profound and degrading.

Dybtegående og nedværdigende.

You say you feel one way,

Du siger, du føler noget.

but your body proves that you feel something else.

Men din krop beviser noget andet.

And we only do this around sexuality,

Og vi gør kun dette omkring seksualitet.

because arousal nonconcordance

For seksuel uovernestemmelse

happens with every emotional and motivational system we have.

sker ved hvert emotionelle og motiverende system, vi har.

If my mouth waters when I bite into a wormy apple,

Hvis min mund løber, når jeg bider i et ormet æble,

does anybody say to me,

er der så nogen der fortæller mig;

"You said no, but your body said yes?"

"Du sagde nej, men din krop sagde ja"?

(Laughter)

(Latter)

And it's not only our partners who get it wrong.

Og det er ikke kun vores partnere, som tager fejl.

The National Judicial Education Program published a document

Det nationale jurdiriske undervisningsprogram udgav et dokument

called "Judges Tell: What I Wish I Had Known Before I Presided

kaldet 'Dommere Fortæller: Hvad Jeg Ønsker, Jeg Havde Vidst Før Jeg Dømte

in a Case of an Adult Victim of Sexual Assault."

I en Sag om Voksent Offer for Seksuelt Overfald'.

Number 13:

Nummer 13:

On occasion, the victim, female or male, may experience a physical response,

Af og til kan offeret, kvinde eller mand, opleve en fysisk reaktion,

but this is not a sexual response in the sense of desire or mutuality."

men dette er ikke en seksuel reaktion med intention om begær eller gensidighed.

This brings me one step closer into the darkness,

Dette bringer mig et skridt videre ind i mørket,

and then I promise we will find our way into the light.

og så lover jeg, at vi vil finde vej ud i lyset.

I'm thinking of a recent court case involving multiple instances

Jeg tænker på en ny retssag, der involverede gentagne gange

of non-consensual sexual contact.

af ikke-gensidig seksuel kontakt.

Imagine you're on the jury

Forestil dig, at du er en jury

and you learn that the victim had orgasms.

og du lærer, at offeret havde orgasmer.

Does it change how your gut responds to the case?

Ændrer det din mavefornemmelse for sagen?

Let me remind you, orgasm is physiological;

Lad mig minde dig om, at orgasmer er fysiologiske;

it is a spontaneous, involuntary release of tension,

Det er en spontan, uvillig frigørelse af anspændelse

generated in response to sex-related stimuli.

skabt som reaktion på sex-relateret stimuli.

But the perpetrator’s lawyer made sure the jury knew about those orgasms

Men gerningsmandens advokat søregede for, at juryen kendte til orgasmerne,

because he thought the orgasms could be construed as consent.

fordi han troede, at orgasmerne kunne anses som udtryk for samtykke

I will also add that this was a child being abused by an adult in the family.

Jeg vil også tilføje, at dette var et barn misbrugt af en voksen i familien.

I invite you to breathe.

Jeg beder jer trække vejret.

That kind of story can give a person all kind of feelings,

Den slags historie kan give en person alle mulige følelser

from rage to shame to confused arousal

fra vrede til skam til forvirret seksuel ophidselse,

because it is sex-related,

fordi det er sex-relateret.

even though it is appalling.

Selvom det er rystende.

But even though I know it's difficult

Men selvom jeg ved, at det er svært

to sit with those feelings in a room full of strangers,

at sidde med de følelser i et rum fyldt med fremmede,

if we can find our way through all of the messy feelings,

hvis vi kan finde vej gennem de rodede følelser,

I believe we will find our way to the light of compassion

så tror jeg, at vi vil finde vej til lyset af medfølelse

for that child,

for det barn,

whose relationship with her body was damaged

hvis forhold til hendes krop var ødelagt

by an adult whose job it was to protect it.

af en voksen, hvis opgave det var at beskytte det.

And we'll find hope that there was a trustworthy adult

Og vi vil finde håb i, at der var en troværdig voksen

who could say, "Genital response

som sagde; "Kønsorganers reaktion

just means it was a sex-related stimulus; doesn't mean it was wanted or liked,

betyder blot, at det var sex-relateret stimuli; betyder ikke at det var ønsket,

certainly doesn't mean it was consented to.

betyder bestemt ikke, at der er samtykke.

(Applause)

(Klapsalve)

That compassion and that hope are why I travel all over,

Den medfølelse og det håb er grunden til, at jeg rejser rundt

talking about this to anyone who will listen.

og taler omkring det til alle der vil lytte.

I can see it helping people, even as I say the words.

Jeg kan se, at det hjælper folk, selv når jeg siger ordene.

I invite you to say the words.

Jeg inviterer jer til at sige ordene.

You don't have to say "clitoris" in front of 1000 strangers.

Du behøver ikke at sige 'klitoris' foran 1000 fremmede.

But do have one brave conversation.

Men hav en modig samtale.

Tell this to someone you know who has experienced sexual violence --

Fortæl det til nogen du kender, som har oplevet seksuelt vold -

you definitely know someone.

Du kender så aboslut nogen.

In the US it's one in three women.

I Amerika er det én ud af tre kvinder.

One in six men.

Én ud af seks mænd.

Almost half of transgender folks.

Næsten halvdelen af transseksuelle.

Say "Genital response means it's a sex-related stimulus.

Sig; "Kønsorganers reaktion betyder sex-relateret stimuli.

It doesn't mean it was wanted or liked."

Det betyder ikke, at det var ønsket"

Say it to a judge you know or a lawyer you know,

Sig det til en dommer, du kender, eller advokat, du kender

or a cop or anyone who might sit on a jury in a sexual assault case.

eller en politibejent eller en, som skal sidde i jury i en sag om seksuelt overfald.

Say "Some people think that your body doesn't respond

Sig; "Nogle mennesker tror, at din krop ikke reagerer,

if you don't want or like what's happening,

hvis du ikke kan lide eller vil have, hvad der sker med den.

if only that were true.

Hvis bare det var rigtigt.

Instead, arousal nonconcordance.

Istedet; seksuel uoverenstemmelse.

Say this to the confused teenager in your life

Sig det til den forvirrede teenager i dit liv,

who is just trying to figure out what, even, what?

som blot forsøger at finde ud af; 'hvad i al verden?'

Say, if you bite this moldy fruit and your mouth waters,

Sig, hvis du bider ned i et muggent æble og din mund løber i vand,

nobody would say to you,

da ville ingen sige til dig;

"Well, you just don't want to admit how much you like it."

"Tja, du vil bare ikke indrømme, hvor meget du vil have det".

Same goes for down below, arousal nonconcordance.

Det samme sker forneden; seksuel uoverenstemmelse.

Say it to your partner.

Sig det til din partner.

My genitals do not tell you what I want or like.

Mine kønsorganer fortæller dig ikke, hvad jeg har lyst til.

I do.

Det gør jeg.

(Applause)

(Klapsalve)

The roots of this myth are deep

Rødderne for denne myte er dybe

and they are entangled with some very dark forces in our culture.

og de er viklet ind i nogle meget mørke kræfter i vores kultur.

But with every brave conversation we have,

Men med hver modig samtale vi har,

we make the world that little bit better, a little simpler

gør vi verden til et lidt bedre sted, lidt simplere

for the confused teenager.

for den forvirrede teenager.

A little easier for your friend on the phone, worried that she's broken.

Lidt nemmere for din veninde på telefonen, bekymret for, at hun er ødelagt.

A little easier and safer

Lidt nemmere og sikrere

for the survivors, one in three women.

for overleverne; én ud af tre kvinder.

One in six men.

Én ud af seks mænd.

Half of trans folks.

Halvdelen af transseksuelle.

Me too.

Også mig.

So for every brave conversation you have,

Så for hver modige samtale du har,

thank you.

tak.

(Applause)

(Klapsalve)

Thank you.

Tak

Thanks.

Tak

(Applause)

(Klapsalve)

Helen Walters: Emily, come up here.

Helen Walters: Emily, kom herop.

Thank you so much.

Tusind tak

I know that you do this all the time,

Jeg ved, at du gør det her hele tiden

and yet, still, I'm so grateful to you for having the courage

og alligevel, jeg er så taknemmelig for, at du har modet

to come and talk about that on this stage.

til at komme og tale på denne her scene.

It really took a lot and we're very grateful to you.

Det tog virkelig meget, og vi er meget taknemmelige.

So thank you.

Så, tak.

Emily Nagoski: I am grateful to be here.

Emily Nagoski: Jeg er glad for at være her.

HW: So in your regular day job,

HW: Så, i dit normale arbejde.

I imagine, as you put at the top of the talk,

Jeg kan forestille mig, som du sagde i begyndelsen,

you get asked a lot of questions.

at du bliver spurgt en del spørgsmål.

But what's the one question that you get asked all the time

Men hvad er det ene spørgsmål, du altid bliver stillet,

that you can share with everyone here so you don't have to answer it 1000 times

som du kan dele med alle her, så du ikke behøver at svare 1000 gange,

throughout the rest of the week?

gennem den kommende uge?

EN: The question I get asked most often

EN: Spørgsmålet jeg bliver spurgt mest

is actually the question underneath pretty much all the other questions,

er faktisk spørgsmålet under alle de andre spørgsmål;

so, can you get addicted to your vibrator,

Så, kan jeg blive afhængig af min vibrator?

please help me with my erectile dysfunction?

Hjælp mig med min erektil dysfunktion.

Underneath every question is actually the question, "Am I normal?"

Under hvert spørgsmål er faktisk spørgsmålet; "Er jeg normal?"

To which my answer in my mind is,

Til hvilket mit svar i min hjerne er;

what even is normal and why is that what you want your sexuality to be?

Hvad er normalt og hvorfor er det det, du vil have din seksualitet til at blive?

Why do we only want to be normal around sexuality?

Hvorfor vil vi kun være normale omkring seksualitet?

Don't we want to be extraordinary?

Har vi ikke lyst til at være specielle?

Like, do you just want normal sex or do you want awesome sex in your life?

Vil du have almindelige eller fantastisk sex i dit liv?

I think, though, there's a lot of fear

Jeg tror, at der er meget frygt

around being too different sexually.

omkring det at være anderledens seksuelt.

When people are asking me,

Når folk spørger mig;

"Is this thing I'm experiencing normal,"

"Er denne her ting jeg oplever normal?"

what they're actually asking me is, "Do I belong?"

Hvad de faktisk spørger mig om er; "Hører jeg til?

Do I belong in this relationship,

Hører jeg til i det her forhold?

do I belong in this community of people,

Hører jeg til i det her fællesskab af mennesker?

do I belong on earth as a sexual person?

Hører jeg til på denne jord, som en seksuel person?"

To which the answer is always a resounding yes.

Til hvilket svaret altid er; "Ja".

The only barrier there is, the only limit there is, there are two:

Den eneste barriere der er, den eneste begrænsning, er to ting;

one, if you're experiencing unwanted sexual pain,

Ét, hvis du oplever uønsket seksuel smerte

talk to a medical provider.

snak med en lægefaglig.

And two: As along as everybody involved is free and glad to be there,

Og to; Så længe alle involverede er frie og glade for at være der

and free to leave whenever they want to,

og frie til at gå, hvornår de ønsker,

you're allowed to do anything that you want to.

så er det dig tilladt at gøre, hvad du har lyst til.

There is no script, there is no box you have to fit into,

Der er intet skrift, ingen boks du er nødt til at passe i.

you're allowed, as long as there is consent and no unwanted pain,

Det er dig tilladt, så længe der er samtykke og ingen uønsket smerte.

you're totally free to do whatever you want.

Du er fuldstændig fri til at gøre, hvad du vil.

HW: Amazing. Thank you so much.

HW: Fantastisk. Tusind tak.

EN: Thank you.

EN: Tak.

HW: Thank you, you're incredible.

HW: Tak, du er fantastisk.

(Applause)

(Klapsalve)