Yuko Munakata: The science behind how parents affect child development | TED

Transcriber:

翻译人员: Xiaoxuan Zhao 校对人员: Cissy Yun

几年前，

一个学生在我的育儿和儿童发展课程 的第二课后找到我，

她犹豫了一下，承认道：

A few years ago,

a student came up to me after the second day of my class

“我对课堂内容非常感兴趣，

on parenting and child development.

但我其实是希望你的课程能够帮助我 在某天有了孩子之后

She hesitated for a second and then she confessed,

成为更好的父母。”

她对课的内容失望。

"I'm really interested in this material,

but I was hoping your class would help me to become a better parent

我本来要在课上谈谈 父母为何无法控制

if I have kids someday."

他们的孩子成为什么样的人。

She was disappointed.

她贸然断定我的课无法帮助她。

We were going to talk about how parents do not have control

in shaping who their children become.

我措手不及。

难道关注育儿和儿童发展的科学研究

She jumped to the conclusion that my class wouldn't help her.

跟成为好的父母毫无关系吗？

I was caught off guard.

我希望我的课改变了她的想法。

Would confronting the science of parenting and child development,

父母想要给孩子最好的，

not be relevant to being a good parent?

无论父母是年轻或年迈，

I hope that my class changed her mind.

富裕或贫穷，

已婚或离异。

Parents want what's best for their children,

育儿书籍自称会展示 如何获得最好的成果，

young and old parents,

rich and poor,

会探讨父母们每天都要面对的艰难抉择，

married and divorced.

And parenting books promise to show how to achieve the best outcomes,

也会在这个过程中揭示 我们是如何成为现在的自己。

to address the difficult decisions that parents face every day

但问题是， 育儿书籍中存在互相冲突的信息。

and in the process, to reveal why each of us turned out the way we did.

要虎式育儿还是散养式育儿？

The problem is that parenting books send conflicting messages.

像荷兰父母一样 养育世界上最幸福的孩子？

Tiger parenting or free-range parenting?

还是像德国父母一样 培养自力更生的孩子？

Parent like the Dutch to raise the happiest kids in the world

唯一不变的信息是： 如果你的孩子没有成功，

or like the Germans, to raise self-reliant children?

那么你一定做错了什么。

不过也有好消息。

The one consistent message is that if your child isn't succeeding,

科学支持一个完全不同的、 充满自主感的理论。

you're doing something wrong.

There's good news, though.

试图用父母做出的决定

The science supports a totally different message

来预测孩子会如何成长，

that is ultimately empowering.

就像试图从蝴蝶扇动翅膀

Trying to predict how a child will turn out

来预测一场飓风一样。

based on choices made by the parents

你们知道俗话里说的蝴蝶吗？

is like trying to predict a hurricane

一只蝴蝶在中国扇动了翅膀，

from the flap of a butterfly's wings.

扰乱大气，改变风流，

Do you know the butterfly,

the proverbial one, that flaps its wings in China,

至白色的热带沙滩，

perturbing the atmosphere just enough to shift wind currents

同时，旋风中加强了海水的蒸发，

that make their way to the skies over tropical white beaches

并在六周后助长了 加勒比海地区的飓风。

intensifying the water evaporating from the ocean in a spiral of wind

如果你是一位家长，

那么你就是扇动翅膀的蝴蝶。

and fueling a hurricane in the Caribbean

six weeks after that flutter of wings.

你的孩子是飓风， 拥有惊人的自然力量。

If you are a parent,

you are the butterfly flapping your wings.

你将会塑造你的孩子，

就像蝴蝶以一种复杂多变、

Your child is the hurricane, a breathtaking force of nature.

无法预测、而又强大的方式塑造了飓风。

You will shape the person your child becomes

like the butterfly shapes the hurricane

如果没有蝴蝶，那么飓风就不会存在。

in complex, seemingly unpredictable but powerful ways.

“等等，”你可能会问

“那么那些成功父母和成功小孩，

The hurricane wouldn't exist without the butterfly.

或苦苦挣扎的父母和 苦苦挣扎的小孩呢？”

"Wait," you might ask,

他们看起来像是展示了 育儿方式的力量。

what about all the successful parents with successful children

但孩子可以被许多 纵横交错的力量影响，

or the struggling parents with struggling children?"

They might seem to show the simple power of parenting.

比如优异的家长， 优异的基因，

优异的同伴，

But children can be shaped by many forces that are often intertwined,

和优异的成长环境。

分清究竟哪一点 影响过孩子的成长非常困难。

like successful parents, successful genes,

successful peers

“好吧，”你可能会想，

and a culture of success that they grow up in.

“对，很难分清所有这些影响，

This can make it hard to know which forces influence who children become.

但我们很容易猜到家长有多重要。”

"OK," you might think,

或许吧。

"yes, it's hard to pull apart all these possible forces,

有多少人知道自行车如何运作？

but we can make pretty good guesses about the importance of parents."

对吧，你看过别人骑自行车，

Perhaps.

你可能自己也骑过，

Well, how many of you know how a bicycle works?

或者甚至教过别人怎么骑。

就像育儿一样——

Right, you've seen people riding bikes,

你见过别人做，

maybe you've ridden one yourself

可能自己也做过，

or even tried to teach someone else how to do it.

或许甚至试过教别人该怎么做。

Just like parenting --

我们很容易对我们所知道的有信心。

you've seen people doing it,

maybe you've done it yourself

当我们说知道自行车怎样运作，

or even tried to teach someone else how to do it.

我们认们脑中有这样一些知识，

We can feel confident about what we know.

像是踏板啊，链条啊，轮胎啊。

When we say we know how a bicycle works,

we think we have something in our heads like this.

但当你让人们解释自行车怎样运作，

Something that relates the pedals to the chain and to the wheels.

他们会画出一些像这样，

But when you ask people to explain how a bicycle works,

或者像这样的东西。

（笑声）

they produce drawings like this.

人们根本不懂自行车怎么运作。

也不懂拉链或者彩虹，

And like this.

(Laughter)

甚至不懂他们 充满激情地辩论的那些话题。

People have no idea how bicycles work.

当你迫使人们 解释这些事物的运作原理，

Or zippers or rainbows,

他们通常都做不到。

or even topics they argue passionately about.

只是关心某件事，比如育儿，

When you push people to explain how these things work,

或者对某件事感到自信，

并不代表我们懂得这件事。

they usually can't.

Just caring about something, like parenting,

关于育儿，大家的想法天差地别，

or feeling confident about it,

也不可能每个人都是对的。

doesn't guarantee that we understand it.

狩猎采集社会中的母亲

And everyone can't possibly be right about how parenting works,

在孩子玩刀切伤自己时感到懊恼，

given how wildly beliefs have varied.

但他们认为，为了探索世界的自由， 这伤是值得的。

Mothers in a hunter-gatherer society

regretted when their children cut themselves themselves

即便是在我们的社会里，

while playing with knives,

直到1970年代， “育儿法”都还不是一个常见的词汇。

but they thought the cuts were worth the freedom to explore.

在那之前，家长们并不被认为 是影响孩子未来的主要因素。

Even within one society like ours,

parenting wasn't a common term until the 1970s.

许多年之后，

人们可能会回看今天的观点，

Before then, parents weren't viewed as active shapers of children's futures.

像我们听说其他年代和地区的事情时 那样惊讶。

Years from now,

people may look back on today's views

科学可以帮助家长，

and feel just as amazed as we feel

或是像我学生那样 可能成为家长的人，

when hearing about other times and places.

来了解他们实际上是如何塑造孩子的。

The science could help parents,

千百万个孩子曾被研究过，

and potential parents like my student,

以解开所有交错的影响因素。

to understand how they actually shape who their children become.

这些研究追踪同卵和异卵双胞胎，

Millions of children have been studied to disentangle all those shaping forces

以及普通的兄弟姐妹，

that are usually intertwined.

有些一起长大，有些被分别领养。

These studies follow identical twins and fraternal twins

结果显示，在同一个家里长大

and plain old siblings

growing up together or adopted and raised apart.

并没有使孩子们在成就、幸福感、 自立性等方面

And it turns out that growing up in the same home

明显地更相近。

does not make children noticeably more alike in how successful they are,

想象你一出生就被带走，

在左边邻居家长大，

or how happy or self-reliant and so on.

而你的兄弟或姐妹 则被右边的邻居养大，

Imagine if you had been taken from birth

and raised next door by the family to the left

总的来讲，比起在同一屋檐下成长，

and your brother or sister had been raised next door

这并不会使你们更相近或更不同。

by the family to the right,

by and large, that would have made you no more similar or different

一方面，这些发现看似不可思议。

想想每家家长在方方面面的不同，

than growing up together under the same roof.

他们争论该不该 过度干预孩子的频率，

On the one hand, these findings seem unbelievable.

他们展现给孩子多少爱。

Think about all the ways that parents differ from home to home

你会认为它会非常影响

and how often they argue and whether they helicopter

一起长大的孩子比 分别养育的孩子更相似，

and how much they shower their children with love.

但没有。

You would think that would matter enough

2015年，一篇整合分析，

to make children growing up in the same home more alike

就是对其他研究的研究，

than if they had been raised apart.

在跨越39个国家，追踪 超过1400万双胞胎数千个实验中，

But it doesn't.

In 2015, a meta analysis,

a study of studies,

发现了一个规律。

found this pattern across thousands of studies

他们测量了1.7万结果。

following over 14 million twin pairs across 39 countries.

研究人员结语，

每一项研究结果 都具有遗传性。

They measured over 17,000 outcomes.

基因会影响 孩子成为什么样的人。

And the researchers concluded

但基因并不能解释一切。

that every single one of those outcomes is heritable.

环境也很重要。

只是环境中的一些因素

So genes influence who children become.

没有使一家的孩子成长得更为相似。

But genes didn't explain everything.

The environment mattered too,

有些人看到这些发现，

just something in the environment

下结论说育儿法毫无用处，

that didn't shape children growing up in the same home to be more alike.

不论当初谁养育了你，

Some people have looked at these findings

你最终都能变成现在的样子。

and concluded that parenting doesn't matter.

另一方面，

实际上，我应该说另几方面，

That you would have become the same person you are today,

因为这个故事还带来了许多警示，

regardless of who raised you.

但我重点要说其中一个。

On the other hand,

另一方面，

and really, I should say on the other hands,

这些发现其实并没有那么令人震惊。

because there are many caveats to that story,

你想想，同一对父母，

but I'll focus on one.

能够以不同的方式 养育出不同的孩子。

On the other hand,

these findings are not all that shocking.

一个孩子可能觉得 妈妈作出的安排很有帮助，

If you think about how the same parent

她的姐姐却会认为这令人窒息。

could shape different children in different ways.

一个孩子可能认为 父母询问关于他朋友的事

One child might find it helpful when her mother provides structure.

是关心他的表现，

他的兄弟却认为他们管得太宽。

Her sister might find it's stifling.

一个孩子认为父母离婚是一场悲剧，

One child might think his parents are caring

他的妹妹却如释重负。

when they ask questions about his friends.

His brother might think they're being nosy.

同样的事件，不同的体验。

One child might view a divorce as a tragedy,

while his sister sees it as a relief.

我和我丈夫20年前有过类似的经历。

Same event, different experience.

我们当时在大西洋上3万英尺，

从芝加哥飞往斯德哥尔摩， 去参与一项研究。

My husband and I experienced this concept 20 years ago

空乘人员正在清理晚餐托盘，

when we were 30,000 feet over the Atlantic,

人们正准备入睡。

flying from Chicago to Stockholm to work on a research project.

我们撞上了一阵颠簸气流，

一群青少年激动地叫起来。

The flight attendants were clearing the dinner trays,

people were getting ready to sleep.

突然，飞机向下垂直坠落，

We hit a patch of bumpy air

小孩和餐车都撞到天花板上。

and a bunch of teenagers whooped in excitement.

飞机暂时稳定住，

Then all of a sudden, the plane was plummeting,

但很快又坠落下去。

天花板的板格 因为力道飞起来，

children and food carts hit the ceiling.

露出内部的布线。

The plane seemed to stabilize,

but then plummeted again.

碎片纷纷落在我们身上。

The ceiling panels flew up into their compartments from the force,

人们有的尖叫，有的哭泣。

飞机又一次垂直下坠。

revealing wiring inside.

Debris came crumbling down on us.

像过了一辈子那么久， 机长发表通知：

People were screaming and sobbing.

“我们不知道刚刚那是什么。

The plane plummeted again.

我们不知道前面还有什么。 请在座位上坐好。”

After an eternity, the pilot came on and announced,

这次经历后， 我丈夫的感悟是飞机超级安全。

"We don't know what that was.

We don't know what's coming. Stay in your seats."

（笑声）

My husband came away from that experience feeling like planes are incredibly safe.

航空公司寄信给我们告知情况，

当时我们并非简单地 在晴空乱流中坠落数千英尺。

(Laughter)

The airline sent a letter informing us that we hadn't simply been falling

飞机受力超过2G。

我们知道了飞机可以承受 几倍于此的力。

across those thousands of feet of clear air turbulence.

The plane had been subjected to forces greater than 2G.

所以我丈夫觉得飞行很安全。

他好像不太理解 为什么有些人会有相反的感觉。

We learned that planes can withstand forces many times larger.

我理解飞机安全的概念， 但只是在抽象层面上。

So my husband feels safe flying.

He seems genuinely baffled by how anyone could feel otherwise.

在这个经历之后， 我再也没法像从前一样飞行。

同样的事件，不同的体验。

I get that concept, but only in the abstract.

只是因为一个事件 不会给所有人造成相同的影响，

I've never been able to fly the same way since.

不代表它没有影响。

Same event, different experience.

你的育儿方法可能在影响你的孩子，

Just because an event doesn't shape people in the same way,

只是没有使他们彼此更相似。

that doesn't mean it had no effect.

你的育儿方法 可能使得长子更严肃认真，

Your parenting could be shaping your children,

却使次子更放松。

just not in ways that lead them to become more alike.

你的长子希望成为像你一样的人，

Your parenting could be leading your first child to become more serious,

你的次子希望成为和你截然不同的人。

your second child to become more relaxed.

你在朝着你的飓风孩子们扇动蝶翼。

Your first child to want to be like you,

your second child to want to be nothing like you.

这并非是我们通常对育儿的看法。

You are flapping your butterfly wings to your hurricane children.

它无法提供简单的建议。

育儿书籍该如何教导人们

This isn't how we typically think about parenting.

养育成功、快乐、自立的孩子，

It doesn't make for simple advice.

如果同样的育儿方法

How could parenting books tell people how to raise successful, happy,

会给同一家的孩子带来不同的结果？

现在，你可能在想，

self-reliant children,

就像我课上的学生有时候说的那样，

if the same parenting can lead to different outcomes

“好，我们明白了。

for children in the same home?

成长是复杂的。

At this point, you might be thinking,

或许不值得研究，因为它太复杂了。”

like students in my class sometimes say,

"OK, we get it.

但我们可以从混乱中找到意义。

development is complicated.

And maybe it's not worth studying because it's too complicated."

科学家已经明白 婴儿是如何从一小坨肉块

But meaning can be made from chaos.

变成能行走、说话、思考的 有社会能力的存在。

Scientists now understand how babies go from these apparent lumps

他们对这个过程的了解 足以使他们介入，

to become walking, talking, thinking, social independent beings.

比如说，测试新生儿，

并治疗曾会导致智力低下的遗传条件。

They understand this process well enough to intervene,

科学家们也逐渐对 家长如何影响孩子的未来

to test newborns, for example,

and treat them for a genetic condition that used to lead to mental retardation.

有了更深刻的理解。

科学研究可以告诉我们许多事，

Scientists are developing ever more sophisticated understanding

但它永远无法告诉我们所有事。

of how parents could shape their children's futures.

所以我们能用这些信息做什么呢？

第一，知道家长很重要。

Science can tell us a lot.

But it will never tell us everything.

这可能看起来显而易见，

但聪明人们有不同意见，

So what can we do with this?

而且正如我们所知， 我们认为显而易见的事并不总是对的。

First, know that parents matter.

第二， 知道家长的影响是复杂而难以预测的。

That might seem obvious,

but smart people are arguing otherwise,

and what seems obvious is not always true, as we've seen.

对已经做过家长的人来讲， 不要再责备自己了，

Second, know that how parents matter is complex and difficult to predict.

你无法控制孩子选择的路。

For anyone who has ever been a parent, stop blaming yourself,

你可以影响，

但你无法控制。

对所有曾经是孩子的人来讲，

as if you are in control of your child's path.

不要再责备你的家长了。

You have influence,

（笑声）

but you don't have control.

至少别觉得他们决定了你是谁。

For anyone who has ever been a child,

不要责备其他家长了。

stop blaming your parents.

(Laughter)

近期一项针对数千家长的调查显示，

At least for the idea that you are defined by them.

90%的母亲和85%的父亲 认为自己在被批判。

Stop blaming other parents.

A recent survey of thousands of parents revealed that 90 percent of mothers

接近一半人感觉自己时时刻刻 或几乎时时刻刻

受到身边人和陌生人的批判。

and 85 percent of fathers feel judged.

Close to half feel judged all the time or nearly all the time

这些评判大概反映不了 什么对孩子最好。

by people they know and by complete strangers.

毕竟，放眼世界，跨越时间，

育儿方法是那么多种多样。

These judgments probably don't reflect what's best for the kids.

而且同样的家长，

能培养出同一屋檐下 那么不同的孩子。

How could they, given how profoundly parenting has varied around the world

and across time?

即便家长已经尽力而为， 他们仍然无法满足所有人。

And given how the same parents can shape children

时间是有限的。

under the same roof in such different ways.

Even when parents try their best, they can't satisfy everybody.

这对“龙式家长”尤其适用。

There's only so much time.

作家埃米莉·拉普 在她的孩子被诊断为戴萨克斯症后

This is especially true for dragon parents.

提出了这个术语。

The author, Emily Rapp, came up with this term

她知道罗南永远无法行走或说话。

after her baby was diagnosed with Tay-Sachs disease.

他很可能在四岁前死去。

She knew then that Ronan would never walk or talk.

从前我不知道

He would likely die before turning four.

这也将会是我第一个儿子的命运。

I did not know

他生来就有一种疾病，

让他的肠道无法吸收营养或水分。

that this could also be the fate of my firstborn son.

每五百万新生儿中 有一个有这种症状。

He was born with a condition

that prevents the intestine from absorbing nutrients

五百万分之一。

or water for the body.

如此罕见，

It affects one in five million babies.

以至于一个医生自信地告诉我们， 如果这是我们孩子的状况，

我们就彻底完了。

One in five million.

It is so rare

他也是之后不得不告知我们 这个坏消息的人。

that one doctor felt confident telling us that we would be screwed

“龙式家长”对育儿有很多见解，

if that's what our baby had.

即便他们知道他们的孩子将会夭折，

He was the one who had to break the news to us later.

或者像我这样，

全然不知孩子能否存活。

Dragon parents have a lot to say about parenting,

even though they know their children will die young,

埃米莉·拉普写道，

or in my case,

“我们无法将孩子 送进光明的未来，

even if we have no idea whether our babies will live.

Emily Rapp wrote,

只能看着他们早早进入坟墓。”

"We will not launch our children into a bright and promising future,

这需要全新的迅猛性，

全新的思考方式，一种新动物。

but see them into early graves."

我们是“龙式家长”，

This requires a new ferocity,

勇猛，忠诚，情深似海。

a new way of thinking, a new animal.

我们的经历告诉我们 如何活在当下，

We are dragon parents,

fierce and loyal and loving as hell.

只为养育而养育，

只为这过程中隐含的人性。

Our experiences have taught us how to parent for the here and now,

我逐渐明白，育儿，

for the sake of parenting,

就是在此时此刻 爱我的孩子。

for the humanity implicit in the act itself.

事实上，对所有家长来讲， 这就是全部。

Parenting, I've come to understand, is about loving my child today,

now.

我以为我在儿童发展领域的专业知识

In fact, for any parent anywhere, that's all there is.

能帮助我做好成为家长的准备。

实际上，成为家长才帮助我 以全新的眼光看待这门科学。

I had thought that my expertise in child development

would help prepare me for becoming a parent.

所以第三，体会每个时刻的重要性，

Instead, becoming a parent helped me to see the science in a whole new light.

为的是此时此刻 它们对你和孩子的意义，

So third, appreciate how powerful the moments can be

而不是它们对孩子的长久影响。

因为我们并不知道 那将会是什么。

because of what they mean for you and your child right now,

社会活动家 安德鲁·所罗门说，

not because of what they mean for your child long term,

“虽然许多人 为自己与父母的不同感到骄傲，

which you do not know.

我们同时也对孩子与自己的不同 感到极度悲伤。”

The activist Andrew Solomon noted,

"Though many of us take pride in how different we are from our parents,

如果我们可以更现实一点， 我们或许就不那么悲伤了。

we are endlessly sad at how different our children are from us."

如果我们可以放下

我们对孩子的未来 有控制权这个想法。

Maybe we could be less sad if we were more realistic,

如果我们可以接受儿童成长的复杂性，

if we let go of the notion

那将改变我们每天面对 育儿决定时的态度，

that our children's futures are in our control.

If we can embrace the complexity of our children's development

也让我们意识到养育孩子

that can transform how we approach those parenting decisions we face each day

并不只是为了达成某一特定成果。

还有很多，

and empower us to realize how much more there is to having a child

我很感恩 与我正茁壮成长的长子

than trying to shape a specific outcome.

度过的每分每秒，

So much more,

还有他的弟弟，

which I appreciate every day in moments with my firstborn son,

以及他们走上的这条特别的路。

我们不是彻底完了。

who is thriving

（笑声）

and with his younger brother

关于家长和孩子们的科学，

and the unique paths they are taking.

蝴蝶和他们的飓风，

We are not screwed.

能够给人们自由，

(Laughter)

让他们关注生命中 什么才是最重要和最有意义的。

The science of parents and children,

butterflies and their hurricanes,

这将使做家长和做孩子的体验

can free people to focus on what is most important

and meaningful in our lives.

变得更现实， 并满足每个参与其中的人。

This can make the experience of being a parent

我相信，那对成为一个好家长至关重要。

and the experience of having been a child

more realistic and satisfying for everyone involved.

And that, I think, is very relevant to being a good parent.