Yuko Munakata: The science behind how parents affect child development | TED

Transcriber:

譯者: 佳芸 何 審譯者: 麗玲 辛

幾年前，

一位學生在「親職教育及兒童發展」 第二堂課後來找我。

她猶豫了一下，接著向我坦白：

A few years ago,

a student came up to me after the second day of my class

「我對課程內容真的很感興趣，

on parenting and child development.

但我期待您的課能教我，假如我哪天 也生了小孩，如何當個好媽媽。」

She hesitated for a second and then she confessed,

她很失望。

"I'm really interested in this material,

but I was hoping your class would help me to become a better parent

當時，我們在探討父母為何無法掌握

if I have kids someday."

孩子日後會成為什麼樣子，

She was disappointed.

但她直接斷定我的課無法幫助她。

We were going to talk about how parents do not have control

in shaping who their children become.

當下的我很錯愕。

難道，探討教養和兒童發展的科學

She jumped to the conclusion that my class wouldn't help her.

和成為好父母沒有關聯嗎？

I was caught off guard.

我希望我的課最後有讓她改觀。

Would confronting the science of parenting and child development,

父母總希望給孩子最好的，

not be relevant to being a good parent?

不論年紀、貧富、離婚與否。

I hope that my class changed her mind.

Parents want what's best for their children,

而育兒書籍保證告訴我們 如何教養子女成果最好，

young and old parents,

rich and poor,

如何應對每天都會碰到的棘手問題，

married and divorced.

And parenting books promise to show how to achieve the best outcomes,

並在過程中說明我們行為背後的成因。

to address the difficult decisions that parents face every day

不過，育兒書籍總有些矛盾的地方。

and in the process, to reveal why each of us turned out the way we did.

我們究竟該當虎爸虎媽， 還是該放牛吃草？

The problem is that parenting books send conflicting messages.

我們該像荷蘭父母 養育出世界上最快樂的小孩，

Tiger parenting or free-range parenting?

還是像德國父母 養育出獨立自主的小孩？

Parent like the Dutch to raise the happiest kids in the world

但這些書一致的觀念是， 如果你的小孩表現不佳，

or like the Germans, to raise self-reliant children?

那一定是因為你做錯了什麼。

不過，我有個好消息。

The one consistent message is that if your child isn't succeeding,

科學界提出了一個完全不一樣的觀點，

you're doing something wrong.

會讓父母更有自信。

There's good news, though.

單從父母所做的決定 來預測小孩日後的發展，

The science supports a totally different message

that is ultimately empowering.

就好比靠蝴蝶振翅來預測 龍捲風的生成一樣。

Trying to predict how a child will turn out

based on choices made by the parents

你知道那種常見的蝴蝶吧？

is like trying to predict a hurricane

一隻蝴蝶在中國振翅，

from the flap of a butterfly's wings.

造成空氣擾動，恰好改變氣流，

Do you know the butterfly,

the proverbial one, that flaps its wings in China,

到了熱帶沙灘上空形成對流，

perturbing the atmosphere just enough to shift wind currents

上升氣流增加海水蒸發，形成氣旋，

that make their way to the skies over tropical white beaches

在蝴蝶振翅的六週以後， 於加勒比海生成龍捲風。

intensifying the water evaporating from the ocean in a spiral of wind

身為父母的你，

就是那隻拍動翅膀的蝴蝶。

and fueling a hurricane in the Caribbean

six weeks after that flutter of wings.

你的孩子則是龍捲風， 大自然令人屏息的力量。

If you are a parent,

you are the butterfly flapping your wings.

你塑造孩子的過程，

好比蝴蝶引發龍捲風。

Your child is the hurricane, a breathtaking force of nature.

背後的成因很複雜， 難以預測，卻力量強大。

You will shape the person your child becomes

like the butterfly shapes the hurricane

沒有蝴蝶，就不會有龍捲風。

in complex, seemingly unpredictable but powerful ways.

但你可能問：「等等，

那成功的父母教出 優秀的孩子，又該怎麼說？

The hurricane wouldn't exist without the butterfly.

還有那些辛苦掙扎的父母 和他們同樣痛苦的孩子呢？」

"Wait," you might ask,

從這些例子來看， 父母教養的方式顯然會影響子女。

what about all the successful parents with successful children

但影響孩子發展的因素 往往也錯綜複雜，

or the struggling parents with struggling children?"

They might seem to show the simple power of parenting.

像是成功的父母、優秀的基因、

卓越的同儕以及優渥的生活環境，

But children can be shaped by many forces that are often intertwined,

因此很難確認那些因素 影響了孩子的發展。

like successful parents, successful genes,

successful peers

你可能會說：「好吧，

and a culture of success that they grow up in.

要一一釐清所有的因素確實十分困難，

This can make it hard to know which forces influence who children become.

但我們還是可以推敲出 父母的重要性吧。」

"OK," you might think,

或許。

"yes, it's hard to pull apart all these possible forces,

這麼說好了，在場有幾個人知道 腳踏車是如何運作的？

but we can make pretty good guesses about the importance of parents."

好，你們可能是看過別人騎車，

Perhaps.

可能是自己騎過車，

Well, how many of you know how a bicycle works?

甚是嘗試過教別人騎車。

這就和教養子女是一樣的道理——

Right, you've seen people riding bikes,

你看過別人怎麼做，

maybe you've ridden one yourself

或許你自己就做過，

or even tried to teach someone else how to do it.

你甚至嘗試過要教別人。

Just like parenting --

面對已知的事物，我們自信十足。

you've seen people doing it,

maybe you've done it yourself

當我們說自己知道腳踏車如何運作時，

or even tried to teach someone else how to do it.

腦海中浮現的，是像這樣的東西。

We can feel confident about what we know.

某個將踏板和鏈條、 輪子連接起來的東西。

When we say we know how a bicycle works,

we think we have something in our heads like this.

但當你要別人解釋 腳踏車是如何運作的，

Something that relates the pedals to the chain and to the wheels.

他們可能會畫出這樣的東西。

But when you ask people to explain how a bicycle works,

還有這樣的。

（笑聲）

they produce drawings like this.

人們不知道怎麼解釋腳踏車、

拉鍊或彩虹背後的原理，

And like this.

(Laughter)

就算是自己熱愛的領域也一樣。

People have no idea how bicycles work.

當你要人們解釋 這些東西背後的原理時，

Or zippers or rainbows,

他們往往做不到。

or even topics they argue passionately about.

因為光是在乎一件事，好比教養子女、

When you push people to explain how these things work,

或對這件事很有信心，

不代表我們了解這門學問。

they usually can't.

Just caring about something, like parenting,

況且，養育子女的方法千百種，

or feeling confident about it,

不一定每個人的觀念都是正確的。

doesn't guarantee that we understand it.

在狩獵採集社會裡，

And everyone can't possibly be right about how parenting works,

如果小孩玩刀弄傷自己，

given how wildly beliefs have varied.

身為人母，雖然會感到十分懊悔，

但她們也認為這些傷 是探索世界所需付出的代價。

Mothers in a hunter-gatherer society

regretted when their children cut themselves themselves

即使是在我們身處的社會中，

while playing with knives,

親職教育的概念也是 到了 1970 年代才普及。

but they thought the cuts were worth the freedom to explore.

在這之前，社會並不認為父母 是影響小孩未來的重要角色。

Even within one society like ours,

parenting wasn't a common term until the 1970s.

再過個幾年，

當人們回頭檢視現在的價值觀念，

Before then, parents weren't viewed as active shapers of children's futures.

他們也會和我們一樣，對不同時代和 地區的觀念感到驚訝不已。

Years from now,

people may look back on today's views

科學能幫助父母，

and feel just as amazed as we feel

以及像我學生這樣的未來父母，

when hearing about other times and places.

了解他們是如何造就 孩子日後的模樣。

The science could help parents,

為了釐清影響孩童發展的 種種交錯因素，

and potential parents like my student,

to understand how they actually shape who their children become.

數百萬的小孩成為了研究的對象。

這些研究追蹤了同卵及異卵雙胞胎，

Millions of children have been studied to disentangle all those shaping forces

以及年齡相仿的手足，

that are usually intertwined.

有些孩子在同一個家庭裡長大， 有些則被領養、在不同家庭中長大。

These studies follow identical twins and fraternal twins

結果顯示，在同一個家庭中長大

and plain old siblings

growing up together or adopted and raised apart.

並不會讓孩子更明顯地相像， 例如，有相同的成就，

And it turns out that growing up in the same home

快樂、自主程度相同，諸如此類。

does not make children noticeably more alike in how successful they are,

想像看看，如果你一出生

就被左邊那戶鄰居撫養長大，

or how happy or self-reliant and so on.

而你的兄弟或姐妹

Imagine if you had been taken from birth

則被右邊那戶鄰居撫養長大。

and raised next door by the family to the left

總體上，比起在同一個屋簷下長大，

and your brother or sister had been raised next door

這麼做不會讓你們更相像， 或更加不同。

by the family to the right,

by and large, that would have made you no more similar or different

一方面，這些發現看似難以置信。

試想，各個家庭父母各有不同，

than growing up together under the same roof.

吵架的頻率，是否過度保護管控，

On the one hand, these findings seem unbelievable.

有多寵愛孩子。

Think about all the ways that parents differ from home to home

你可能會認為，每個家庭間的差異性

and how often they argue and whether they helicopter

足以讓在同一個屋簷下長大的孩子

and how much they shower their children with love.

比來自其他家庭的孩子更為相像。

但事實並非如此。

You would think that would matter enough

二〇一五年，有份統合分析，

to make children growing up in the same home more alike

意即針對不同研究進行整合分析，

than if they had been raised apart.

該研究在數以千計的研究中 發現了一項規律。

But it doesn't.

研究的對象包括來自 39 個國家， 超過 1400 萬對雙胞胎。

In 2015, a meta analysis,

a study of studies,

found this pattern across thousands of studies

他們評估一萬七千份研究的結果。

following over 14 million twin pairs across 39 countries.

研究人員得出以下結論：

每一種結果都具有遺傳性。

They measured over 17,000 outcomes.

也就是說，基因影響了 孩子日後的發展。

And the researchers concluded

不過，光靠基因無法解釋一切。

that every single one of those outcomes is heritable.

環境也很重要，

單是成長環境中的某個因素

So genes influence who children become.

足以讓在同一環境下長大的 孩子各有不同。

But genes didn't explain everything.

The environment mattered too,

有些人在看完這份研究結果後，

just something in the environment

得出「親職教育並不重要」的結論。

that didn't shape children growing up in the same home to be more alike.

他們認為，不管是誰撫養你長大，

Some people have looked at these findings

你終究會長成現在的樣子。

and concluded that parenting doesn't matter.

另一方面，

說真的，應該是其中一個面向，

That you would have become the same person you are today,

因為這個看法還有很多限定條件，

regardless of who raised you.

但我只針對其中一個面向來討論。

On the other hand,

總之，另一方面，

and really, I should say on the other hands,

這些發現並不全然令人驚訝。

because there are many caveats to that story,

你可以想想，同一位家長

but I'll focus on one.

可能給予孩子們不同的影響。

On the other hand,

these findings are not all that shocking.

面對母親訂定的規範， 某個小孩覺得很有幫助，

If you think about how the same parent

但她的妹妹可能覺得很壓抑。

could shape different children in different ways.

當父母問及朋友的事情， 某個小孩覺得是關心的表現，

One child might find it helpful when her mother provides structure.

但他的哥哥可能覺得父母管太多。

Her sister might find it's stifling.

某位小孩可能覺得父母離異是災難，

One child might think his parents are caring

但他的姐妹卻視之為解脫。

when they ask questions about his friends.

His brother might think they're being nosy.

同一件事情，不同的體驗。

One child might view a divorce as a tragedy,

while his sister sees it as a relief.

我和我丈夫在二十年前 也體認到了這個道理。

Same event, different experience.

當時，我們人在三萬英尺高的 大西洋上空。

我們從芝加哥起飛，準備前往 斯德哥爾摩從事研究計畫。

My husband and I experienced this concept 20 years ago

當時，空服員正在收拾晚餐餐盤，

when we were 30,000 feet over the Atlantic,

乘客正準備休息。

flying from Chicago to Stockholm to work on a research project.

就在此時，我們遇上了亂流，

一幫年輕人卻興奮地歡呼。

The flight attendants were clearing the dinner trays,

people were getting ready to sleep.

突然，飛機驟降，

We hit a patch of bumpy air

孩童和餐車都砸向了天花板。

and a bunch of teenagers whooped in excitement.

正當飛機看似回復平穩，

Then all of a sudden, the plane was plummeting,

轉瞬間又再次下墜。

下墜的力道讓頭頂上的隔板 砸向了上方的隔間，

children and food carts hit the ceiling.

隔間裡的管線畢露，

The plane seemed to stabilize,

but then plummeted again.

裡頭的碎片殘骸落到了我們身上，

The ceiling panels flew up into their compartments from the force,

嚇得乘客紛紛尖叫、哭泣了起來。

接著，飛機又再次下墜。

revealing wiring inside.

Debris came crumbling down on us.

過了漫長的一段時間， 機長終於說話了：

People were screaming and sobbing.

「我們不知道剛剛怎麼了，

The plane plummeted again.

也不知道等一下會碰上什麼。 請在座位上坐好。」

After an eternity, the pilot came on and announced,

然而，有了那次飛行經驗以後， 我丈夫居然覺得搭飛機非常安全。

"We don't know what that was.

We don't know what's coming. Stay in your seats."

（笑聲）

My husband came away from that experience feeling like planes are incredibly safe.

後來，航空公司來信告知我們，

當時，我們並不只是因為氣流 在數千英尺高的地方下墜而已，

(Laughter)

The airline sent a letter informing us that we hadn't simply been falling

飛機甚至承受了超過 2G 力的力道。

那次經驗讓我們知道， 飛機可以承受好幾倍以上的力道。

across those thousands of feet of clear air turbulence.

The plane had been subjected to forces greater than 2G.

我丈夫因而覺得搭飛機很安全。

只要任何人與他的看法相左， 他都一副百思不得其解的樣子。

We learned that planes can withstand forces many times larger.

我也因此體認到了那個概念， 但只是一種抽象的概念。

So my husband feels safe flying.

He seems genuinely baffled by how anyone could feel otherwise.

我沒辦法再經歷一次那種航程了。

同一件事情，不同的體驗。

I get that concept, but only in the abstract.

不過，即便同一件事 對不同人有不同影響，

I've never been able to fly the same way since.

不代表這件事就沒有影響力。

Same event, different experience.

你教養子女的方式 還是會影響孩子的成長，

Just because an event doesn't shape people in the same way,

不過不會讓他們變得一樣。

that doesn't mean it had no effect.

你教養子女的方式 可能讓第一個小孩性格嚴肅，

Your parenting could be shaping your children,

第二個小孩卻處事泰然；

just not in ways that lead them to become more alike.

可能讓第一個小孩想變得跟你一樣，

Your parenting could be leading your first child to become more serious,

第二個小孩卻想變得跟你完全不一樣。

your second child to become more relaxed.

你正在對你的龍捲風小孩 拍動蝴蝶的翅膀。

Your first child to want to be like you,

your second child to want to be nothing like you.

這不是我們一般認知中 教養子女的觀念。

You are flapping your butterfly wings to your hurricane children.

這種觀念無法簡單而論。

不然，育兒書籍難道要告訴人們

有個方法，能教出成功、 快樂、獨立自主的小孩，

This isn't how we typically think about parenting.

It doesn't make for simple advice.

但這個方法在同一個家庭中， 不同孩子身上，卻有不同的效果？

How could parenting books tell people how to raise successful, happy,

到這裡，你可能會覺得，

self-reliant children,

如同我課堂上學生有時候會說：

if the same parenting can lead to different outcomes

「好吧，我們明白了。

for children in the same home?

人類發展是一個複雜的過程。

At this point, you might be thinking,

或許正因為太過複雜， 這不值得我們去研究。」

like students in my class sometimes say,

"OK, we get it.

但混亂中是可以創造出意義的。

development is complicated.

And maybe it's not worth studying because it's too complicated."

現在，科學家已經知道 嬰兒是怎麼從奇形怪狀的肉團，

But meaning can be made from chaos.

長成會走路、說話、思考、 社交的，獨立的個體。

Scientists now understand how babies go from these apparent lumps

他們對成長過程有深度了解， 因此可以介入，

to become walking, talking, thinking, social independent beings.

例如，檢測新生兒，以治療 過去會導致智能障礙的遺傳疾病。

They understand this process well enough to intervene,

對於父母如何影響孩子的發展， 科學家也有更深入的認識。

to test newborns, for example,

and treat them for a genetic condition that used to lead to mental retardation.

科學能告訴我們很多事，

Scientists are developing ever more sophisticated understanding

但科學不可能告訴我們一切。

of how parents could shape their children's futures.

所以，我們怎麼辦？

首先，明瞭父母很重要。

Science can tell us a lot.

But it will never tell us everything.

這看似顯而易見，

但聰明的人總能提出反駁，

So what can we do with this?

而看似理所當然的事情， 往往不如我們想得單純。

First, know that parents matter.

再者，明瞭父母的重要性 既複雜又難以預測。

That might seem obvious,

but smart people are arguing otherwise,

and what seems obvious is not always true, as we've seen.

當過父母的人，請不要再自責了，

Second, know that how parents matter is complex and difficult to predict.

不要以為自己能掌控孩子的未來。

For anyone who has ever been a parent, stop blaming yourself,

你確實對孩子有影響力，

但你並不能掌控孩子。

至於當過子女的你，

as if you are in control of your child's path.

不要再怪罪父母了。

You have influence,

（笑聲）

but you don't have control.

至少你今日的模樣， 不全然是他們造成的。

For anyone who has ever been a child,

也不要再批判其他父母了。

stop blaming your parents.

(Laughter)

一項調查指出，一千名 受試者中，有九成的母親

At least for the idea that you are defined by them.

以及八成五的父親覺得自己被評判。

Stop blaming other parents.

A recent survey of thousands of parents revealed that 90 percent of mothers

近乎一半的人覺得自己總是或經常

被身邊的人或陌生人批判，

and 85 percent of fathers feel judged.

Close to half feel judged all the time or nearly all the time

而這些評判不一定 反映出對孩子最好的方式。

by people they know and by complete strangers.

隨著地區和時代的不同， 教養子女的方式千百種，

人們豈能批判任何一種方式的優劣？

These judgments probably don't reflect what's best for the kids.

況且，同一種教養方式

也能讓同一個屋簷下 長大的孩子各有不同。

How could they, given how profoundly parenting has varied around the world

and across time?

儘管父母竭盡所能， 沒人能滿足所有人。

And given how the same parents can shape children

畢竟，時間有限，

under the same roof in such different ways.

Even when parents try their best, they can't satisfy everybody.

對「火龍家長」而言尤是如此。

There's only so much time.

作家艾蜜莉・瑞普在她的寶寶被診斷 患有不正常的脂質新陳代謝症後，

This is especially true for dragon parents.

創造了「火龍家長」這個名詞。

The author, Emily Rapp, came up with this term

她知道兒子羅南 永遠無法正常走路和說話。

after her baby was diagnosed with Tay-Sachs disease.

他很可能在四歲之前死亡。

She knew then that Ronan would never walk or talk.

我沒有預料到的是，

He would likely die before turning four.

自己的第一個兒子 也碰上了相同的命運。

I did not know

他一出生，

腸道便無法吸收養分以及水分。

that this could also be the fate of my firstborn son.

發生這種情況的機率為五百萬分之一。

He was born with a condition

that prevents the intestine from absorbing nutrients

五百萬分之一。

or water for the body.

這種疾病極為罕見，

It affects one in five million babies.

一位醫生甚至堅定地告訴我們， 如果我們的寶寶患有這種疾病，

我們的天就要塌下來了。

One in five million.

It is so rare

後來也是由這位醫生 向我們證實這項診斷。

that one doctor felt confident telling us that we would be screwed

談到養育子女， 火龍家長有很多話想說，

if that's what our baby had.

即便他們知道 自己的孩子很可能夭折。

He was the one who had to break the news to us later.

拿我的案例來說，

我們甚至不知道我們的寶寶能活多久。

Dragon parents have a lot to say about parenting,

even though they know their children will die young,

艾蜜莉 ‧ 瑞普曾寫道：

or in my case,

「我們給不了孩子 一個光明美好的未來，

even if we have no idea whether our babies will live.

Emily Rapp wrote,

只能眼睜睜看他們幼年就進了墳墓。」

"We will not launch our children into a bright and promising future,

身為火龍家長， 我們必須承受前所未有的衝擊、

換一種方式思考，進入一種新的狀態。

but see them into early graves."

我們是火龍家長，

This requires a new ferocity,

強壯而火爆，對孩子的愛 如地獄般堅定而炙熱。

a new way of thinking, a new animal.

我們的經驗教會我們， 養育子女重在當下，

We are dragon parents,

fierce and loyal and loving as hell.

應當為了子女而養育子女，

為了背後的人性價值而付出。

Our experiences have taught us how to parent for the here and now,

對我而言，養育子女 就是及時去愛我的孩子，

for the sake of parenting,

for the humanity implicit in the act itself.

把握當下。

事實上，對於所有家長而言皆是如此。

Parenting, I've come to understand, is about loving my child today,

now.

我曾以為自己在兒童發展方面的專業

In fact, for any parent anywhere, that's all there is.

能幫助我成為一位稱職的母親。

然而，反倒是成為了一位母親， 讓我能以不同的眼光看待科學。

I had thought that my expertise in child development

would help prepare me for becoming a parent.

因此，第三點， 珍惜每個有力量的當下，

Instead, becoming a parent helped me to see the science in a whole new light.

當下的可貴在於 你和孩子相處的此時此刻，

So third, appreciate how powerful the moments can be

而非不可預期的，長遠的以後。

because of what they mean for you and your child right now,

改革人士安德魯・索羅門曾說：

not because of what they mean for your child long term,

「我們以自己與父母的不同為傲，

which you do not know.

卻為孩子與我們的不同哀傷。」

The activist Andrew Solomon noted,

"Though many of us take pride in how different we are from our parents,

如果能更務實一點， 或許我們就不會那麼悲傷，

we are endlessly sad at how different our children are from us."

放下執念，不再認為 孩子的未來操控在我們手中。

Maybe we could be less sad if we were more realistic,

倘若我們能接受孩子的發展是複雜的，

if we let go of the notion

每天面對親職的決定時， 我們的心態便會改變，

that our children's futures are in our control.

If we can embrace the complexity of our children's development

也更能體認到，養育孩子 不是把孩子塑造成某個特定的樣子。

that can transform how we approach those parenting decisions we face each day

遠遠不只如此，

and empower us to realize how much more there is to having a child

因此，陪伴大兒子的 每一天我都心存感激。

than trying to shape a specific outcome.

他現在還健康地活著，

So much more,

和他弟弟一起

which I appreciate every day in moments with my firstborn son,

走在一條與眾不同的成長路途上。

我們的天沒有塌下來。

who is thriving

（笑聲）

and with his younger brother

這門親子關係的科學，

and the unique paths they are taking.

好比蝴蝶與龍捲風的理論，

We are not screwed.

讓人們得以專注於生命中 最重要也最有意義的價值。

(Laughter)

The science of parents and children,

butterflies and their hurricanes,

這門學問也讓為人父母的歷程

can free people to focus on what is most important

以及自身成長的經歷，

and meaningful in our lives.

對每個人而言，更為真切且滿足。

This can make the experience of being a parent

而這也是為什麼這門科學 與成為好父母息息相關。

and the experience of having been a child

more realistic and satisfying for everyone involved.

And that, I think, is very relevant to being a good parent.