Joel Leon: The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting | TED

翻译人员: Jennifer Ge 校对人员: Yanyan Hong

My name is Joel,

我是乔尔，

and I'm a co-parent.

一名承担共同 抚养子女义务的父亲。

So, growing up, I never heard the term "co-parent."

在我的成长过程中， 我从未听说过“共同抚养”这个词，

I heard a lot of other things, though,

尽管对于新手而言， 我听说过其他的词，

for starters, "absentee father,"

“缺席父亲”，

"sperm donor" --

“精子捐献者”——

that's a good one --

听起来不错——

"deadbeat dad"

“老赖爹（deadbeat dad）”，

and, my personal favorite, "baby daddy."

还有我自己最喜欢的—— “宝爸（baby daddy）”。

"Baby daddy," for those not in the know,

给不知道的人科普一下，

refers to an individual who helps to conceive a child

“宝爸”是指一个帮助怀孕，

but does little else.

而却不对此负责的父亲。

Baby daddy is also someone who is not married by law

“宝爸”也是在法律上 没有与孩子的母亲

to the mother of said child.

结婚的人。

Growing up, I thought "co-parent" was reserved primarily for white families

成长过程中，我曾以为“共同抚养”一词 是针对在 Netflix 黄金档电视剧中

that starred in Netflix prime-time dramas.

那些白人家庭而言的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It still kind of does.

这似乎也说得通，

但“共同抚养”并不曾 用来解释父母的角色，对吧？

But it wasn't used to explain the role of a parent. Right?

Either you had kids or you didn't,

不管你是否有孩子，

and no one in my social circles or at our dinner table

在我的社交圈里 或在我们聚餐时，

was having complex conversations about the role fathers played

没有人会围绕父亲的角色

in that conversation, right?

进行复杂的讨论，不是吗？

A more balanced, open, loving approach to parenting

一种更公平、开放 且充满关爱的抚养方法

was not something we were discussing within our social circles.

不是我们在自己的 社交圈里涉猎的话题。

A majority of the time,

大部分时间里，

the fathers I knew of growing up were barely present

我所知道的父亲们 在他们孩子成长过程中

or just completely nonexistent.

几乎不出现，或者根本不存在。

"Co-parent" wasn't a term I heard or saw

在我出生和成长的地方，

我不曾听说过或见过“共同抚养”。

where I grew up, where I came from.

I come from the hood.

我来自“那个”街区，

That hood would be Creston Avenue, 188th in the Bronx.

布朗克斯（纽约以高犯罪率著称的贫民区） 克雷斯顿大街 188 号。

And for -- one person, that's what's up.

对，就是这么回事儿。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Appreciate that.

感谢。

For a lot of us in that hood,

在那个街区里，对许多人来说，

there was only one person you could already turn to

我们只能指望一个人，

去寻求食物、住处、 温暖、爱和训导：

for food, shelter, warmth, love, discipline:

our mothers.

我们的母亲。

My mother, who I playfully call "Linda T,"

我开玩笑地叫 我母亲“琳达· T（Linda T）”，

was my first example of real love

她为真正的爱做了表率，

and what showing up as a healthy co-parent looked like.

也有一个健康的 共同抚养者该有的样子。

She was a strong, determined single mother,

她是一个强大、坚定的单亲母亲。

a woman who would have benefited greatly from having a secure and stable partner

作为共同扶养人， 她本该拥有一个可靠稳重的伴侣，

as a co-parent.

以减轻她的负担。

So I vowed whenever I got married,

所以我发誓过无论我何时结婚，

my boo and I would be together forever.

我会和我的妻子永远在一起。

You know? (Laughs)

很好理解吧？ （笑声）

We'd share the same bed and home,

我们会分享同一张床，共享一个家。

we'd sleep under the same covers, we'd argue at IKEA -- normal stuff.

我们会睡在同一被窝里， 会为了琐事在宜家里争吵。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

My partner would feel seen and loved,

我的伴侣会感到被在乎、被疼爱，

and our children would grow up in a two-parent household.

我们的孩子会在 有双亲的家庭里长大。

However, things rarely ever end up how we plan them.

然而，到头来， 计划没有变化快。

Our daughter Lilah has never known a household with both of her parents

我们的女儿莱拉从来都不知道， 和父母住在一起的

living together under one roof.

家庭生活是什么样子。

Her mother and I were never married.

因为我和她的母亲从未结过婚。

We dated on and off for several months before we found out she was pregnant.

在发现她怀孕之前， 我们断断续续约会了几个月，

Up until then, my mother didn't even know she existed.

在那之前，我母亲甚至 不知道我女友的存在。

I was ashamed,

我感到羞愧，

I was embarrassed,

很尴尬，

and, at times, I was suicidal.

有时，我还想自杀。

I was asking myself, what was I doing? Where was I going wrong?

我问我自己，我在干什么？ 我哪里做错了？

I never wanted the stigma or label

我从不想被羞辱或被称为

of what some identified as the stereotypical "black father."

一些人刻板印象中的“黑人父亲”：

So: absentee, confrontational, combative, not present.

缺席者、挑衅者、 好斗的、“失踪”的家伙。

It took a lot of work, time, energy and effort

在花费大量的工作、 时间、精力和努力后，

for us to finally realize

我们终于意识到，

that maybe co-parenting for us didn't need to mean a shared household

也许共同抚养对我们来说 并不意味着一定要共享一个家庭，

and wedding bells,

或必须要谈婚论嫁。

that maybe, just maybe,

也许，仅仅是也许，

the way we showed up as co-parents

我们以共同抚养者的身份 出现的方式，

lay not only in the layered nuances of our partnership

不仅是存在于我们伴侣 关系中有层次的细微差别，

but the capacity within our hearts to tend to a human

更在于我们在内心深处 照顾一个人的能力，

that we helped create together.

而这个人是我们共同的结晶。

(Applause)

（掌声）

It would involve love in a nurturing and safe environment

一个安全的养育环境里若有了爱，

that would feed Lilah long after we both left this earth.

莱拉在我们都离开世界 很久以后也会感到满足。

Fast-forward four years,

快进四年，

and Lilah is now in pre-K.

莱拉现在在学前班，

She loves gummies,

她非常喜欢软糖，

and she says things like, "My heart is filled with love."

而且她会说类似 “我内心充满了爱”这样的话。

She's the most loving, compassionate, empathetic human being I know,

她是我知道的最可爱、 最有同情心、最有同理心的人，

and the reason I get to tell you all of this is because

而我之所以能把这一切告诉你们，

是因为她和她的母亲 回到了布朗克斯。

she's back in the Bronx with her mother.

这就是共同抚养。

You see, this is co-parenting,

在一个理想的世界里，

and in an ideal world,

my mother would have had a co-parent, too.

我的母亲本可以也有 一个共同抚养的伙伴，

She would have had support,

她本可以得到支持，

someone to show up and give her a break, a time off.

也有人本可以出现， 让她有休息的时间。

在一个理想的世界里，任何一个 父亲或母亲都是共同抚养者。

In an ideal world, every parent is a co-parent.

In an ideal world, both parents share the weight of the work appropriately.

在一个理想的世界里，父母双方 都能适当地分担抚养的重担。

Lilah's mother and I have a schedule.

我和莱拉的母亲有一个日程计划，

Some days, I leave work and pick Lilah up from school,

有时我会下班去接莱拉放学，

some days I don't.

有时我不会。

Lilah's mother gets to go rock climbing

这样莱拉的母亲可以去攀岩，

or study for the LSAT,

或者准备法学院入学考试，

and I get to stand in a room full of bold, dynamic and powerful women

而我也能在一个充满了勇气、 活力和强大的女性的房子里，

and talk about dad stuff.

讨论父亲那些事。

(Applause)

（掌声）

It is work, it is beautifully hard work

共同抚养是一种工作， 是艰辛而美好的工作。

dismantling the systems that would have us believe

它逐渐废除了一种家庭系统， 这种系统让我们认为

a woman's primary role is in the kitchen, tending to all things domestic,

女人的主要角色就是 呆在厨房里负担所有家务，

while the hapless dad fumbles all over himself

而可怜的父亲每当 不得不单独和孩子们

whenever he has to spend a weekend alone with the kids.

共度周末时，只会手忙脚乱。

It is work that needs to happen right now.

共同抚养是需要立刻执行的工作。

You see, far too often,

这种情况太普遍了，

what it seems like is when both parents are working,

当双方都在工作时，

one parent is typically tasked with organizing the household

一方通常要安排好家庭事务，

and keeping the home running.

让这个家正常运转。

That person is typically a woman or someone who identifies as such.

而这个人通常是女人 或者扮演此角色的人。

Far too often, those who identify as mothers and as women

那些作为母亲或女人的一方往往

have to sacrifice their dreams in order to appease the standard.

不得不牺牲她们的梦想 以达到这种标准。

They have to sacrifice their dreams

她们不得不牺牲自己的梦想，

in order to ensure that motherhood takes precedence over all else.

以保证母亲的身份 优于其他所有事请。

And I'm not here to say that it doesn't, but what I am here to say is,

我并不否认这点， 但我想说的是

作为平等的搭档 和共同抚养者，我们的责任是

as equal partners and co-parents, it is our duty to ensure

that our co-parenting partners don't have to put their passions,

保证我们的共同抚养搭档 不必把他们热衷的爱好、

their pursuits and their dreams

追求和理想

放在次要地位，

to the back burner

就因为我们自私地不愿共同承担。

just because we're too self-absorbed to show up as allies.

（掌声）

(Applause)

Co-parenting makes the space possible for everybody.

共同抚养让每个人 有自己的空间变成了可能。

As a co-parent,

作为承担共同抚养义务的人，

the time I've gotten to share and spend with Lilah

我很感激能拥有与莱拉

is time I appreciate,

共同度过的时光，

the time that has allowed me to be fully present for my child,

拥有能让我充分陪伴孩子的时光，

removing the notion that the emotional labor required to raise a child

它淘汰了养育孩子 所需要的情绪劳动

is a woman's work.

是女人的工作这一观念。

As a co-parent, Lilah and I have built snowmen,

作为共同抚养孩子的人， 我和莱拉一起堆了雪人，

we've played with acorns,

一起玩了橡果，

we've rapped to the soundtrack of "Moana," I know you have, too.

还跟着《海洋奇缘》的原声练说唱， 我知道你们也干过这事。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

She's sat with me while I've led workshops at Columbia University,

当我在哥伦比亚大学主持讨论会，

谈论诗歌、 说唱和戏剧的交集时， 她就坐在我身旁。

when I talk about the intersections of poetry, hip-hop and theater.

We get to talk about her emotions and her feelings

我们会讨论她的情绪与情感，

because we have exclusive time together,

因为我们有 单独在一起的专属时光，

and that time is planned time,

这些时间都是计划好的。

it's organized around not just my schedule but her mother's.

不仅是根据我的行程， 还是根据他母亲的行程安排的。

Both of us, as co-parents, have unique parenting styles.

作为共同抚养者， 我们两人都有独特的养育方式。

And we may argue at times,

有时我们会发生争执，

but what we can always agree on is how to raise a human --

但我们总能在一件事上 意见一致：如何养育一个人

our human.

——我们的孩子。

I will never fully understand or comprehend

我永远不会完全理解或明白，

what it means to hold a child in my body for 10 months.

在身体里连续十个月 怀着一个孩子意味着什么。

I will never be able to understand

我永远不能理解

母乳喂养的艰辛和困难，

the trials and tribulations of breastfeeding,

背后的付出，

the work that it takes,

the emotional, physical, psychological and emotional toll

我也永远不能理解 怀孕在情绪、身体和心理上

that carrying a human can have on the female body.

对女性身体的影响。

What co-parenting does is say,

共同抚养的目的是

we can create balance,

让我们能创造平衡，

a more balanced home and work life for everyone involved.

让家庭中每个成员的 工作生活保持平衡。

Co-parenting says that while parenting may involve sacrifices, yes,

共同抚养中，虽然可能 会有牺牲，这是事实，

the weight of that sacrifice is not solely resting on one parent alone.

但牺牲的重担并不 只会由一方单独承担。

No matter your relational dynamic,

不论你的人际关系如何变化，

no matter how you identify as a human being --

不论你怎么定义人——

he, she, they, ze --

他，她，他们——

co-parenting says we can create space and equity,

共同抚养让我们能创造空间和平等，

better communication, empathy, I hear you, I see you,

更好的沟通、共鸣， 我能听到你、理解你，

how can I show up for you in ways that benefits our family?

我知道怎样以 利于家庭的方式出现。

My goal:

这是我的目标：

I want more fathers to embrace co-parenting as a model

我想让更多的父亲 接受共同抚养的模式，

for a better tomorrow, a better today for ourselves,

为了更好的明天， 为了我们自己更好的今天，

for our co-parenting partners, for our families, for our community.

为了我们共同抚养的搭档， 为了我们的家庭、社会。

我想要更多的父亲开放地、

I want more fathers talking about fatherhood openly,

candidly, honestly, lovingly.

坦白地、真诚地、亲切地讨论父性，

Right?

好吗?

I want more people to recognize that black fathers in particular

我想让更多人认识到， 黑人父亲，

are more than the court system, more than child support

他们不仅只与法院 和子女抚养费有关，

不仅只是媒体口中的我们。

and more than what the media might portray us to be.

（掌声）

(Applause)

Our role as fathers, our role as parents,

我们扮演的父亲角色 ，父母角色，

our value as parents

我们作为父母的价值，

is not dependent on the zeroes at the ends of our checks

并不取决于我们 支票上的数字后有几个零，

but the capacity within our hearts to show up for our families,

而是取决于我们内心中 为我们的家庭，

for the people we love, for our little ones.

为我们爱的人和我们的 孩子们站出来的能力，

Being a father is not only a responsibility, it's an opportunity.

成为父亲不只是 一种责任，还是一次机会，

This is for Dwain, this is for Kareem "Buc" Drayton, this is for Biggs,

这段演讲要献给达文（Dawin）， 卡里姆·德雷顿（Kareem“ Buc” Drayton）

比格斯（Biggs）， 布拉（Boola)，塔伦（Tyron）。

this is for Boola, this is for Tyron,

this is for all the black fathers who are showing up on a day-to-day basis.

献给所有每天都在 承担起责任的黑人父亲。

同样也要献给查尔斯·勒伦佐·丹尼尔斯 （Charles Lerenzo Daniels），

This is for Charles Lorenzo Daniels, my father, who didn't have the language

我的父亲，他没有语言和工具 来按照他想要的方式出现。

or the tools to show up in the ways that he wanted to.

Thank you.

谢谢。

My name is Joel.

我是乔尔。

Hi Bria, hi West.

嗨，布里亚，嗨，韦斯特。

(In Yoruba) Amen.

（约鲁巴语）阿门。

(Applause)

（掌声）