Joel Leon: The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting | TED

譯者: Yuwei Duan 審譯者: Lo Hsien Huang

My name is Joel,

我是喬爾，

and I'm a co-parent.

一位承擔共同撫養子女義務的父親。

So, growing up, I never heard the term "co-parent."

在成長過程中，我未聽過 「共同撫養」這個詞。

I heard a lot of other things, though,

但是我聽過許多其他的詞，

剛開始是「缺席的父親」、

for starters, "absentee father,"

"sperm donor" --

「捐精者」

that's a good one --

──聽起來還不錯──

"deadbeat dad"

「賴帳爹」，

and, my personal favorite, "baby daddy."

還有我個人的最愛──「播種的爹」。

"Baby daddy," for those not in the know,

給不知道這個詞的人解釋一下，

refers to an individual who helps to conceive a child

「播種的爹」指的是讓人家懷孕，

but does little else.

其他方面卻不負責任的父親。

Baby daddy is also someone who is not married by law

「播種的爹」也指和孩子的母親

to the mother of said child.

沒有法定婚姻關係的人。

Growing up, I thought "co-parent" was reserved primarily for white families

成長過程中，我一度以為 「共同撫養」是主要針對

網飛黃金時段電視劇中的白人家庭。

that starred in Netflix prime-time dramas.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It still kind of does.

現在還是差不多。

但「共同撫養」不是用來 解釋父母的角色，對吧？

But it wasn't used to explain the role of a parent. Right?

Either you had kids or you didn't,

無論你是否有孩子，

and no one in my social circles or at our dinner table

在我的社交圈中或餐桌上，

was having complex conversations about the role fathers played

沒有人會針對父親的角色

進行複雜的交談。

in that conversation, right?

A more balanced, open, loving approach to parenting

那種平衡、開放、慈愛的撫養方式

was not something we were discussing within our social circles.

並不是我們會在 社交圈中討論的話題。

A majority of the time,

大多數時候，

the fathers I knew of growing up were barely present

我所知道的父親都很少 參與孩子的成長過程，

or just completely nonexistent.

甚至根本不在這個過程中。

"Co-parent" wasn't a term I heard or saw

在我出生和長大的地方，

我沒有聽過或見過「共同撫養」。

where I grew up, where I came from.

I come from the hood.

我來自個很亂的街區，

That hood would be Creston Avenue, 188th in the Bronx.

那個街區在布朗克斯 克雷斯頓大道 188 號。

And for -- one person, that's what's up.

只有一個人有反應，就是這樣。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Appreciate that.

感謝。

For a lot of us in that hood,

對那個街區的許多人而言，

there was only one person you could already turn to

你只能向一個人索求

for food, shelter, warmth, love, discipline:

食物、庇護、溫暖、愛、紀律：

our mothers.

我們的母親。

My mother, who I playfully call "Linda T,"

我會開玩笑稱我母親為「琳達 T」，

was my first example of real love

她是我的第一個榜樣， 讓我見識真正的愛

and what showing up as a healthy co-parent looked like.

以及健康的共同撫養者是什麼樣子。

She was a strong, determined single mother,

她是個堅強又堅定的單親媽媽，

a woman who would have benefited greatly from having a secure and stable partner

若有個安全可靠的夥伴 作為另一位共同撫養者，

as a co-parent.

會減輕她很多負擔。

So I vowed whenever I got married,

所以我發誓，當我結婚了，

my boo and I would be together forever.

我要永遠和愛人在一起。

You know? (Laughs)

不難理解吧？ （笑）

We'd share the same bed and home,

我們要共睡一張床、同住一個家，

we'd sleep under the same covers, we'd argue at IKEA -- normal stuff.

睡在同一被窩裡， 為了瑣事在宜家爭吵。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

My partner would feel seen and loved,

我的伴侶會感到被受關注、被寵愛，

and our children would grow up in a two-parent household.

我們的孩子會在雙親家庭長大。

However, things rarely ever end up how we plan them.

然而，事情結果總是不如預期。

Our daughter Lilah has never known a household with both of her parents

我們的女兒萊拉從來都不知道

和父母住在一起的生活 是什麽樣子的。

living together under one roof.

Her mother and I were never married.

我始終沒有和她的母親結婚。

We dated on and off for several months before we found out she was pregnant.

我們斷斷續續約會了幾個月， 然後便發現她懷孕了。

Up until then, my mother didn't even know she existed.

在那之前，我母親 甚至不知道她的存在。

I was ashamed,

我那時感到羞恥、

I was embarrassed,

尷尬，

and, at times, I was suicidal.

有時，我甚至想自殺。

I was asking myself, what was I doing? Where was I going wrong?

我問自己到底在幹什麼？ 我哪裡做錯了？

I never wanted the stigma or label

我從來就不想要被貼上

of what some identified as the stereotypical "black father."

「黑人父親」的刻板標籤。

So: absentee, confrontational, combative, not present.

也就是：缺席孩子的成長過程、 挑釁、好鬥、該在的時候不在。

It took a lot of work, time, energy and effort

我們花費大量的工作、時間、 精力和努力才終於瞭解，

for us to finally realize

that maybe co-parenting for us didn't need to mean a shared household

對我們而言，也許共同撫養 不一定得在同一個家中，

and wedding bells,

不一定要結婚，

that maybe, just maybe,

也許，只是也許，

the way we showed up as co-parents

我們共同撫養的形式

lay not only in the layered nuances of our partnership

不僅在於夥伴關係的細微差別，

but the capacity within our hearts to tend to a human

而是讓我們發自內心幫助

that we helped create together.

我們共同創造的孩子。

（掌聲）

(Applause)

It would involve love in a nurturing and safe environment

一個安全的養育環境需要有愛

that would feed Lilah long after we both left this earth.

才能在我們兩人久離世間後 依然能滿足萊拉對愛的需求。

Fast-forward four years,

快轉四年後，

and Lilah is now in pre-K.

萊拉正在讀幼兒園。

She loves gummies,

她愛吃軟糖，

and she says things like, "My heart is filled with love."

也喜歡說一些像 「我的心滿滿都是愛」的話。

She's the most loving, compassionate, empathetic human being I know,

她是我認為最可愛、 最有同情心、最有同理心的人，

and the reason I get to tell you all of this is because

而我之所以把這一切告訴你們，

是因為她和她的母親 回到了布朗克斯。

she's back in the Bronx with her mother.

這就是共同撫養。

You see, this is co-parenting,

在一個理想的世界裡，

and in an ideal world,

my mother would have had a co-parent, too.

我的母親原本也可以有 一個共同撫養子女的夥伴，

She would have had support,

她本可以得到支持，

someone to show up and give her a break, a time off.

原本也有人可以出現 讓她有休息的時間。

在一個理想的世界， 每位父母都是共同撫養者。

In an ideal world, every parent is a co-parent.

In an ideal world, both parents share the weight of the work appropriately.

在一個理想的世界裡， 父母雙方都能適當分擔撫養的重任。

Lilah's mother and I have a schedule.

我和萊拉的母親有一個行程表，

Some days, I leave work and pick Lilah up from school,

有時我下班後會去學校接她，

some days I don't.

有時不是我去接她。

Lilah's mother gets to go rock climbing

這樣萊拉的母親可以去攀岩，

or study for the LSAT,

或者準備法學院入學考試，

and I get to stand in a room full of bold, dynamic and powerful women

而我也可以在一個空間裡 與那些大膽、有活力的女強人

and talk about dad stuff.

討論身為父親的事情。

(Applause)

（掌聲）

It is work, it is beautifully hard work

共同撫養是個艱辛而美好的工作。

dismantling the systems that would have us believe

它逐漸廢除了一種家庭系統， 這種系統讓我們認為

a woman's primary role is in the kitchen, tending to all things domestic,

女人的主要角色就是 待在廚房裡並照料所有家務，

while the hapless dad fumbles all over himself

而每當可憐的父親必須 單獨和孩子們度過周末時，

whenever he has to spend a weekend alone with the kids.

只會手忙腳亂。

It is work that needs to happen right now.

共同撫養是需要立即執行的工作。

You see, far too often,

這種情況十分普遍，

what it seems like is when both parents are working,

當雙方都在工作時，

one parent is typically tasked with organizing the household

一方通常需要安排好家庭事務，

and keeping the home running.

讓這個家正常運轉。

That person is typically a woman or someone who identifies as such.

扮演這個角色的通常是女人， 或是具有這類身份的人。

Far too often, those who identify as mothers and as women

身為母親或女性往往

have to sacrifice their dreams in order to appease the standard.

必須犧牲她們的夢想 以達到這種標準。

They have to sacrifice their dreams

她們必須犧牲自己的夢想，

in order to ensure that motherhood takes precedence over all else.

讓身為母親的責任優先於一切。

And I'm not here to say that it doesn't, but what I am here to say is,

我並不否認這一點，但我想說的是

作為平等的搭檔和共同撫養者，

as equal partners and co-parents, it is our duty to ensure

我們的責任是保證我們的搭檔 不必把他們的愛好、

that our co-parenting partners don't have to put their passions,

their pursuits and their dreams

追求的理想暫時放在一旁，

to the back burner

就因為我們自私地 不願共同承擔責任。

just because we're too self-absorbed to show up as allies.

（掌聲）

(Applause)

Co-parenting makes the space possible for everybody.

共同撫養讓每個人 有可能擁有自己的空間。

As a co-parent,

作為共同撫養者，

the time I've gotten to share and spend with Lilah

我很感激能與萊拉共度時光，

is time I appreciate,

the time that has allowed me to be fully present for my child,

這段時光讓我能充分陪伴孩子，

removing the notion that the emotional labor required to raise a child

它淘汰了這種觀點：

養育孩子所需要的 情感勞動是女人的工作。

is a woman's work.

As a co-parent, Lilah and I have built snowmen,

作為共同撫養孩子的人， 我和萊拉一起堆雪人，

we've played with acorns,

一起玩橡果，

we've rapped to the soundtrack of "Moana," I know you have, too.

還一起翻唱「海洋奇緣」的配樂， 我知道你們也幹過這種事。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

She's sat with me while I've led workshops at Columbia University,

當我在哥倫比亞大學主持討論會，

談論詩歌、說唱和戲劇的交集時， 她就坐在我的邊上。

when I talk about the intersections of poetry, hip-hop and theater.

We get to talk about her emotions and her feelings

我們會討論她的情感和情緒，

because we have exclusive time together,

因為我們有單獨相處的專屬時光，

and that time is planned time,

這些時間都是計劃好的。

it's organized around not just my schedule but her mother's.

不僅是根據我的行程， 還是根據她母親的行程安排的。

Both of us, as co-parents, have unique parenting styles.

作為共同撫養者， 我們都有獨特的教育方式，

And we may argue at times,

有時我們會發生爭執，

but what we can always agree on is how to raise a human --

但我們總能同意一件事情： 如何養育一個人

our human.

──我們的孩子。

I will never fully understand or comprehend

我永遠不會完全理解或明白，

what it means to hold a child in my body for 10 months.

懷胎十個月意味著什麽。

I will never be able to understand

我永遠不能理解

餵母乳的艱辛與困難，

the trials and tribulations of breastfeeding,

以及背後所付出的代價，

the work that it takes,

the emotional, physical, psychological and emotional toll

我永遠也不能理解 懷孕在情緒、身體和心理上

that carrying a human can have on the female body.

對女性的影響。

What co-parenting does is say,

共同撫養的目的是

we can create balance,

讓我們能創造出一種平衡，

a more balanced home and work life for everyone involved.

讓家庭中每個成員的 工作生活保持平衡。

Co-parenting says that while parenting may involve sacrifices, yes,

雖然過程中會有犧牲，這是事實。

the weight of that sacrifice is not solely resting on one parent alone.

但犧牲的重擔不只由單獨一方承攬。

No matter your relational dynamic,

不論你的人際關係如何變化，

no matter how you identify as a human being --

不論你如何定義人──

he, she, they, ze --

他、她、他們──

co-parenting says we can create space and equity,

共同撫養讓我們能創造空間和平等，

better communication, empathy, I hear you, I see you,

更好的溝通、同理心， 我能聽到你、看見你，

how can I show up for you in ways that benefits our family?

我知道怎樣以利於家庭的方式付出。

My goal:

這是我的目標：

I want more fathers to embrace co-parenting as a model

我想讓更多的父親 接受共同撫養的模式，

for a better tomorrow, a better today for ourselves,

為了更好的明天， 為了我們更好的今天，

for our co-parenting partners, for our families, for our community.

為了我們共同撫養的搭檔， 為了我們的家庭、社會。

我想要更多的父親

I want more fathers talking about fatherhood openly,

開放、坦率、真誠、 親切地討論父親的角色，

candidly, honestly, lovingly.

Right?

好嗎？

I want more people to recognize that black fathers in particular

我想讓更多人認識到， 尤其是黑人父親，

are more than the court system, more than child support

他們不僅只與法院 和子女撫養費有關，

不僅只是媒體所描繪的我們。

and more than what the media might portray us to be.

（掌聲）

(Applause)

Our role as fathers, our role as parents,

我們扮演的父親角色、父母角色，

our value as parents

我們作為父母的價值，

is not dependent on the zeroes at the ends of our checks

並不取決於我們 支票上的數字後有幾個零，

but the capacity within our hearts to show up for our families,

而是在於我們為了家庭、

for the people we love, for our little ones.

為所愛的人和孩子付出多少心力。

Being a father is not only a responsibility, it's an opportunity.

成為父親不只是一種責任， 還是一次機會，

This is for Dwain, this is for Kareem "Buc" Drayton, this is for Biggs,

這段演講要獻給達文、 卡里姆·德雷頓、

比格斯、布拉、塔倫。

this is for Boola, this is for Tyron,

this is for all the black fathers who are showing up on a day-to-day basis.

獻給所有每天都在 承擔起責任的黑人父親。

同樣獻給查爾斯·羅倫佐·丹尼爾斯，

This is for Charles Lorenzo Daniels, my father, who didn't have the language

也就是我的父親，他沒有語言和工具 來按照他想要的方式付出。

or the tools to show up in the ways that he wanted to.

Thank you.

謝謝。

My name is Joel.

我是喬爾。

Hi Bria, hi West.

嗨，布里亞；嗨，韋斯特。

(In Yoruba) Amen.

（約魯巴語）阿門。

(Applause)

（掌聲）